How Does it Feel?

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I have been asked by Andrea if one can exist without pain or joy?

The question presupposes that I am without pain or joy and therefore can I exist? The starting point must be therefore do I feel pain? Do I feel joy ? I shall deal with the latter first .Joy is defined as ” a feeling of great pleasure and happiness”. Now, I feel pleasure. I know that. Happiness? I have had to think about that and I have come to the conclusion that happiness is a lighter version a somewhat fluffy and amorphous sensation of what I truly feel. I feel power and elation. Happiness is lower on the scale. I don’t feel happiness. I leap from a neutral state straight to feeling powerful, infused and elated. Since I do not feel happiness and I see that happiness is regarded as a constituent part of joy, I can only conclude therefore that I do not feel joy.

What about pain? Of course we know two types of pain. Physical and emotional. If I hit my thumb with a hammer, boy it hurts, so that is that confirmed. As for emotional pain, well yes I feel that also.  In fact I feel it more than you. The pain I experience is visceral, gut-wrenching and agonising. It sears through me and is most debilitating. Such is its intensity I am forced to take immediate action to remedy the hurt that I experience. The agony that I endure is total and vast. My world collapses in on itself, I am shrunken, withered and wounded. This state is brought about by your unnecessary criticism of me or your failure to engage with me. I must act promptly and with every resource I can muster to push through this pain and end it. It is a superhuman feat but by dint of rage or evasion I achieve it.

Thus I feel pain. Every single day. Imagine having to deal with that.

If the original hypothesis is that one does not exist unless one experiences pain or joy, then given that I experience pain then one can only conclude that I exist. But you knew I existed all right didn’t you? The damage and prescriptions confirm that.

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12 thoughts on “How Does it Feel?”

  1. It is a very interesting blog to read. I often felt that underneath all of the “bravado” of my narcissistic ex, existed a sort of constant emotional pain, although he didn’t like to talk about that very much. Although sometimes he would seem genuinely low, and say: “Well help me then, maybe you can help me”. I explained that I wanted him to go to therapy but he declared that “they’re all charlatans” or something like that. After he treated me horribly, I felt I had no choice but to talk about leaving him. That most often led to him clinging to me (physically), like a small boy.. I think there was a “wounded child” within him, that’s what made me stay, fighting for him for 4 years, despite enormous amounts of emotional pain inflicted on me. This last year has only consisted of him hoovering me, and me trying not to reply… Recently I expressed in a quite harsh way that I am giving up on him, for good this time. This seems to have made him very anxious indeed, he has proclaimed that he really does love me etc. His hoovers are more intense now, filled with “regret”… I am certain he does not “love” the way other people do, but still… there is some element in his “despair” at losing me for good, that actually seems genuine. It’s probably just an act on his part.. and wish ful thinking on my part. It’s just hard for me to relate. For me it is not logical to hang on to a person for 4 years if you feel “nothing” for them.. but I know we’re wired differently, and it was probably flattering to him to see someone “fight so hard” for him.. he seemed genuinely surprised though, when I told him I had him all figured out, the narcissism, the attention-seeking. I basically told him “all about himself”, and to my surprise he then seemed quite impressed with me in a way…

    But. The question still haunts me to this day: Did he have any genuine affection for me at all, or was I only an object, a tool? What are your thoughts on this, has there ever been a person in your life that made you feel sad when they went away? Or is it always rather shallow affection within you? I’ll keep reading your blog, it is very fascinating. Best regards//LifeInAshes

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    1. You observations are accurate and insightful. To answer your question and this is what people struggle with all the time, no he did not have any genuine affection for you at all. He had genuine affection for the way you made him feel. You made him feel admired and powerful. His recent proclamations about loving you are his type of love, that is the love for the way you make him feel, it is not the same as the love you feel. He does not want to lose you because he does not want to lose what is a potent source of fuel for him. You are correct; it is not logical to hang on to a person for four years if you feel “nothing” for them. In our logic, what we feel for you is the need for your admiration, your affection, your attention – your fuel. That is what we are hanging on for. We do not hang on because we love who you are. When you told him that you had him all figure out his seeming impressed with you is just a ruse to make you stay with him. Inside he is furious you know what he is and have him worked out. He will pretend to be impressed so that you think you have gained the upper hand and therefore you may stay in order to maintain this upper hand and also because you may then try to fix him and this will provide more fuel. It is akin to us wanting something to happen but we let you think you have made the decision so you feel better about it. All we care about is the outcome, not how we got there.
      I don’t really know what sad is, although I have people describe it. The closest I think I come to what you feel as sad is emptiness. I touch on this in one of the chapters of Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist when I write about my interaction with my sister. Yes, there was a person who made me feel empty when they went away, I have blogged about her in Angel of My Creation and will be writing more about her in the fullness of time Thank you for reading and for contributing, it is much appreciated.

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      1. Thank you for your response! 🙂 Your words ring very true. It has happened a few times that the ex has admitted to me that there is something “wrong” with him emotionally. But he doesn’t seek therapy or make any real changes, so I just told him that I’ve given up on him, that the price of staying is too high. Oh, and I made a small “threat” also, not a real threat, but I told him that if he keeps hoovering me I will have to call his mother, and tell her to ask him to stop with the pointless e-mails.. cause I read somewhere that narcs hate the idea of being exposed.. maybe it will work, maybe not.

        I read your blog post about your first love. It was very touching and hope that you write a bit more about that. You have a great talent in your writing. 🙂

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      2. You are correct. We do not like to be exposed but it is often rather difficult to achieve because we have others held in our thrall also. We convince other people that you are the problem and we are very good at doing so. He won’t seek therapy as there is nothing (in his mind) wrong with him. Do you think calling his mother (assuming she believes you) will work? I would just regard that as good fuel from you because you are reacting to the e-mails. Would you not be better served by blocking the e-mails or changing accounts? It is being ignored that gets to us. Thank you for your kind comments about my writing, it is appreciated. Yes, there will be more about my angel in due course. Thank you for getting in touch.

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      3. Thanks for your reply 🙂 I think calling his mother would have some effect on him, because he has told me about a time that some ex of his exposed his bad behaviour to his family in some way, and the memory of that really did seem to sting.. Anyway I wouldn’t say anything bad about him to the mother, simply ask her to ask him to stop contacting me.. and I’d only do it as a last resort. I have blocked his e-mail adresses, but he creates new e-mail accounts to get around that. And if he for some reason can’t reach me by e-mail, he drives by my house and put letters in my mail box… which is hard to “block” 😉

        Oh well I will struggle on with No Contact. And will keep reading your blog, it is very helpful. 🙂

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  2. You refer to people as either ‘healthy’ or ‘my kind’.

    Do you think that your kind is not healthy? Do you know that this is not healthy behaviour? If you do know, why do you not seek to become ‘healthy’? Do you feel you need therapy and do you think that therapy is helping you?

    I’m sorry for all the questions. This is really interesting for me. I’m trying to understand why my mother acts as she does. Thanks a lot for this blog.

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    1. My kind are referred to as unhealthy by your kind so I’m using the label to facilitate understanding. I know I’m regarded as disordered but that again is another label. I am effective, I thrive and I do as I’m required. If that means I’m unhealthy judged by others, well that’s a matter for them. I don’t agree but I use the label to assist reader understanding. I see no reason therefore to become healthy. I am not designed to be your “healthy”. I don’t need therapy but I need to do it. Is it helping? Depends what you mean by help. Is it increasing my awareness and understanding of what I am? Then yes, very much. Feel free to ask questions I will always answer.

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  3. I wished I could know how the power feels..but I’m not desperate for it..not at others costs…
    You pain…well that’s something I think about all the time (yes ALL the time) and I just wished I had a magic wand to make it dissappear permanently. ..xxx

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