The First Picture of You

thV6PJJ06DI love the first picture that I ever saw of you. It was not one taken by me although there will be hundreds of those in due course. A multiplicity of snapshots which have been taken to show the world how wonderful you and me are together. Each one carefully configured on my part to send a message. See who I am now taking to your favourite restaurant? Look how we went to Rome when you always wanted to go? How about that? I have gone to the theatre when I told you I hated watching plays. See how we get on with my family? Go on, look at how happy she is making me, far more than you ever did. No, those pictures, whilst valuable to me and my machinations do not come close to how I marvel over that first picture of you.

Was it instead a picture you sent me? One of the hundreds I asked for, begged for and demanded? At first I wanted them to show to you how you were always in my mind ( thus ensuring I became a fixture in your mind). I also wanted those racier photographs that I persuaded you to take for me. Initially I used them for titillation although the real motive was to store them away and use them as a method of forceful coercion further down the line. You know me, always thinking of the next move. Later I requested you send me photos under the guise of wanting to look on your beauty when the reality was that I wanted to ensure you were where you said you were (you never really noticed how I asked for you to stand under the sign of the bars you went in or the name of the store you were shopping in or next to the friends you had told me you had gone to visit)

No, the first picture of you, the one I love the most is the one I first came upon when I searched for you online. It might have been your profile picture from an internet dating sight, your twitter banner picture or one you posted on Facebook. It could have been in the local press or a still from a youtube video. Either way, it was not one I had taken and it was not one that I had requested you take for me. I love that picture as I look on your engaging smile, the radiance emanating from it like solar flares from the sun, illuminating and bringing warmth all around you. Your skin is flawless and healthy, blooming with effervescence. Those long tresses of hair swinging to one side, or the bounce of your bob, or the neat rigidity of that fringe, all conveying that message of freedom and having been chosen by you. Your eyes shine, happiness exploding from them, the colour vibrant and elation searing from your gaze. I look on that picture that is burgeoning with potential, laden with possibility and exuding hope. You are a beacon of purity, decency and affection. Your caring nature cascades from that picture. You are that virgin empath, unsullied by my toxicity and untouched by my polluting influence.

Whenever I look on that first picture of you as the surge begins inside me and soars fast and fierce. I must have you. I remember again why I had to have you.

I see fresh prey.

15 thoughts on “The First Picture of You

  1. i am trying. if you have a moment i posted a hurtful story on my first post blog. i would love to hear your opinion on whether you believe this is indeed a narcissist I am dealing with here, x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello DDS, I have a lot of message to work through but I will get to yours and will give you my opinion.

  2. samantha Barrett says:

    I’m 2 days into my break up and I feel completely overwhelmed by all your podcasts. How did 4 years go by where I took every emotional beating he gave me, along with every beautiful promise he made me… Only to read a post after post about his character by his maker.
    Because you must have made him to be so accurate about him. I’m heartbroken.
    Yet stronger.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Samantha, you will no doubt be awash with emotion. Keep reading. It is the key to understanding.

    2. sea Shell says:

      “…Heartbroken. Yet stronger”.
      I feel your pain Samantha and hope your new found strength is delivering you a more authentic life. Mine is, but it’s just so difficult at first. This information is akin to waking up one morning to find that the world is actually flat and that everyone speaks a foreign language. It’s a little surreal but then in another way… everything finally makes sense and with that I am gaining a new found peace.

      1. I let him back in and it was beautiful… for a while. But he gets drunk and starts an argument then threatens to burn my letters I wrote him or leave me unless I APOLOGISE. I left him again a few days ago. I’m going to be strong this time. He’s good at making me feel sorry for him and forgive him because he had a bad childhood ” narcissist parents” I lost my mum to cancer, I raise 2 children alone. I had a bad childhood too.. he is the only one I let in. He’s all I have. He was all I had. 😞

  3. Alice says:

    You seem to be him (the narc that crossed my paths)!

    I so wonder: what would happen if he read your blog? Would he recognise himself in you? Would it make any difference (except from sharpening his narc sword even more)?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Only one way to find out.

      1. Alice says:

        No. NEVER! That would put me back to Square One.

        The truth is: the day I won’t feel the need to read your blog anymore and won’t wonder whether he could ever change if reading it (or a specific book or narc site or whatever) will be the day I am truly over it all and healed.

        That being said, I sent him a link to Sam Vaknin’s Youtube Video “The Narcissist’s fantasy sex life” when I broke up with him a year ago, alongside with “The Narcissist’s cycles of mania and depression” and “The idealization-devaluation-discard cycles”. All of them from Sam Vaknin. Narc A (the one that crossed my paths) is highly intelligent and educated. I am certain he has watched and UNDERSTOOD those videos, and probably many others. He replied with a narcissistic rage: “I too have fond memories of moments with you”, [note the word “of moments” here -sic!], “but by sending me all those links from shady, pretended ‘experts’, you’ve just destroyed EVERTHING.”

        Whohooo, strike! 😛

        That was a year ago. Since then, he has tried to established contact again every other month. 5 months passed while I did not react at all. I once “cracked” because he sent me a message the day before his own birthday, saying how often he still thinks of me, and that losing me entirely hurt him so much…

        [Translation: “I am now messing around with fresh supply, but they are currently not doing what I want so I would like to hook you back up onto my shelf of victims, so that I can dust you off and play you every now and then when I am bored, which is very often.”]

        Thank God I cut off contact a few days immediately later, and returned to no contact for another 5 months. I blocked him from all channels so no idea if he tried. Then last months, he managed to send me a message from a new number and we had that 45 minutes phone conversation. I used the opportunity to discard HIM in the sweetest and most friendly way (because I know that losing auch excellent ‘fuel’ is what would affect him the most). So I got my voice back, and the closure I needed! YAY:-))

  4. MLA - Clarece says:

    Can you explain how you used “forceful coercion” with photos? I’m assuming as emotional blackmail when someone tried to move on with a new relationship?


    1. malignnarc says:

      Bingo, you’ve got it.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        I’m assuming this then is solely saved for sexual submission and humiliation giving a high octane surge of power for you?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Your assumption is correct.

  5. MLA (Clarece) says:

    What type of “forceful coercion” did you use with photos?
    Looking forward to hearing your response to this and my other questions if you please…


    1. malignnarc says:

      You answered this one yourself.

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