Here Comes The Rain Again

I love the rain. I have a lodge in the countryside and like to sit on its veranda and gaze across the lake as the rain lashes down. I hear it drumming on the roof, a steady, reliable rhythm. I can see the large droplets cascading down into the lake, striking the foliage that grows on the edge of the water, the splashes and rivulets visible from my vantage point. After a time I am always compelled to leave my seat and walk the short distance from my lodge to the lakeside. I have brought most of my girlfriends here. It is tranquil and beautiful. The lake is about a two miles long and half a mile wide and is rather deep. Excellent for fishing. One can walk all the way around the lake and I have done so with my girlfriends as we strolled through the woodland, isolated from the rest of the world.

I like to stand on the edge of the water and stretch my arms out wide and tilt my head upwards and feel the heavy drops of rain pelt against my face causing me to blink as they land on my eyes. The cold water trickles down my cheeks and over my chin as the steady patter continues, eventually soaking into my clothing. I often lose track of how long I stand there, feeling the water striking me and then running off me. I never feel cold and I don’t notice the wet, not really. I feel clean though, the cleanest I’ve been as the edifying pluvial downpour continues. Each drop that hits me seems to take with it the dirt and disease, casting it down onto the ground beneath me. The impurities are washed away, the droplets scouring the contamination from my skin. The water strikes me and the spray that rises dashes the filth away, the mire rinsed from me. It feels to me as if God has sent his purity to scrub away the muck, grime and pollution that clings me to me for far too long. I am soon soaked as the water dilutes the sin and flushes away the stains.

There is innocence in the rain. For however so long it is that I embrace the downpour, I am divested of my cynicism and just for a while everything I have ever done, everything I have ever said no longer matters. I have been stripped of it all. I would stand like this with Karen. She would adopt the same pose. I would hear her gentle laugh as she opened her mouth to let the rain get inside of her and she held my hand, both of us arms outstretched as if we were being crucified. Even now as I close my eyes against the deluge I hear that soft laugh but I know she is not besides me anymore. She knew what the rain did and does for me. She understood.

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14 thoughts on “Here Comes The Rain Again”

  1. Are you sure Karen didn’t replace your Angel Amanda? Third blog with Karen, but who’s counting? I don’t believe you used “Karen” as the name drop to Lesley from the TV in the other room either. Interesting how you associate a blog incorporating God, having sin / muck / grime / pollution washed away from you, tranquility and a beautiful memory with Karen all together. Could there be traces of remorse with whatever happened to her with her outcome?

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    1. Hello Clarece, I see you are keeping a careful eye on me. Nobody could ever replace Amanda, Karen gave me what I yearned for in a different way. I note your scepticism concerning the name drop. That’s not like you, you are normally so accepting of what I write!! Could there be traces of remorse? No. I miss what Karen did for me, that’s what I mourn for. All about me again.

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      1. Indeed I am following and making mental notes. I’ll question when I see a gap. Remember… if you were following closely, my Narc called me “feisty”. You’re admitting you “mourn” her, of course being what she gave to you but nonetheless, any kind of “fuel” can fill a void. You “mourn” her. That is a very human element when one cares deeply for another.

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      2. Thanks for having my back Clarece! Yes I know you are the fiery-headed feisty one. I am pleased you recognise that I am human after all. I keep telling people this but they won’t believe me.

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  2. Maybe you should live in Mawsynram to feel that way more often! This is an especially beautiful post. The meloncholia you describe is palatable. I love the rain and can relate to the cleansing feeling it brings.

    MLA-I enjoy your insightful comments. I’m curious to see the response from M myself! My hope is that you can get the answers you seek to heal and move on from the pain you’ve endured from your narc. Blessings to you!

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    1. MAGPIE884 – I appreciate that! That means a lot and it was very kind of you to mention! I hope good things happen to you!

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  3. Went back to read this post as somebody mentioned it. Its a beautiful one. Everything your write is fascinanting. As I finished reading I remembered we did the same infront of the lake or wherever we were, even in the middle of the city when it would rain we would get soaking wet and laugh until we wondered if we looked like idiots… Its bittersweet to read this, but I did not break up in tears. This with me means im almost through with letting go.

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  4. Since reading what has gone before, what a “refreshing” post! I agree with Dan. Your writing is quite captivating. It’s hard to read something beautiful like this and how you “seem” in my mind to how you portray yourself in some of your more maligned posts. You certainly are complex.

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  5. I like your writing from the early days. It was raw, less cynical. There is more of you in there. Not as many masks as you wear now. Less prescriptive. I wonder if the new style of writing is the outcome of the many many hours with the good doctors.

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