Here Comes The Rain Again

I love the rain. I have a lodge in the countryside and like to sit on its veranda and gaze across the lake as the rain lashes down. I hear it drumming on the roof, a steady, reliable rhythm. I can see the large droplets cascading down into the lake, striking the foliage that grows on the edge of the water, the splashes and rivulets visible from my vantage point. After a time I am always compelled to leave my seat and walk the short distance from my lodge to the lakeside. I have brought most of my girlfriends here. It is tranquil and beautiful. The lake is about a two miles long and half a mile wide and is rather deep. Excellent for fishing. One can walk all the way around the lake and I have done so with my girlfriends as we strolled through the woodland, isolated from the rest of the world.

I like to stand on the edge of the water and stretch my arms out wide and tilt my head upwards and feel the heavy drops of rain pelt against my face causing me to blink as they land on my eyes. The cold water trickles down my cheeks and over my chin as the steady patter continues, eventually soaking into my clothing. I often lose track of how long I stand there, feeling the water striking me and then running off me. I never feel cold and I don’t notice the wet, not really. I feel clean though, the cleanest I’ve been as the edifying pluvial downpour continues. Each drop that hits me seems to take with it the dirt and disease, casting it down onto the ground beneath me. The impurities are washed away, the droplets scouring the contamination from my skin. The water strikes me and the spray that rises dashes the filth away, the mire rinsed from me. It feels to me as if God has sent his purity to scrub away the muck, grime and pollution that clings me to me for far too long. I am soon soaked as the water dilutes the sin and flushes away the stains.

There is innocence in the rain. For however so long it is that I embrace the downpour, I am divested of my cynicism and just for a while everything I have ever done, everything I have ever said no longer matters. I have been stripped of it all. I would stand like this with Karen. She would adopt the same pose. I would hear her gentle laugh as she opened her mouth to let the rain get inside of her and she held my hand, both of us arms outstretched as if we were being crucified. Even now as I close my eyes against the deluge I hear that soft laugh but I know she is not besides me anymore. She knew what the rain did and does for me. She understood.

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43 thoughts on “Here Comes The Rain Again”

  1. I had difficulty reading this one in your book.

    Experiences in the rain were some of the last memories I had of being playful with my narc.

  2. This “chapter” is so beautiful, a glimpse of your true self, in my opinion.

    If Karen understood you, why didn’t you keep her near?

  3. What a beautiful poignant post. I think my favourite of your posts, HG.

    Your writing is beautiful. I feel the same way about rain. At times, I like to run during a rainstorm.

  4. Sigh. Can’t deny it’s evocative writing. Now imagine the same mind penning something specifically tailored to you and you’re a goner. No empath stands a chance against such aching poignancy. A glimpse of weary tortured soul mixed with the childlike delight at a rain shower as that super-special Supply takes it all in. How the fuck can that be staged and contrived? And yet it is. That intermittent reward of seeing you in the rain that makes all the pain worthwhile…

    1. Sandra
      Wow…very well stated! Like the added curse word….sometimes that’s the only word that fits! And expresses the true emotion one is feeling? How the fuck!…..? I like it….

  5. Or maybe you prefer a carol
    O Holy Grail, O Holy grail,
    How silent are you lately
    O Handsome Greater, O Handsome Greater,
    Lala lala, la, la la
    Are you ok? I hope you are
    Coz if you are not, I will be sad.

      1. Ha, ha…. Glad you found it good. And good to “see” you back, HG. All my best wishes for 2018.

  6. Deepsigh, I like that song too but it always puts me in a melancholic mood. Another song I lofted have in my mind is Sweet dreams
    ,Sweet dreams are made of this
    Who am I to disagree?
    I travel the world
    And the seven seas,
    Everybody’s looking for something.
    Some of them want to use you
    Some of them want to get used by you
    Some of them want to abuse you
    Some of them want to be abused.

    1. Yes Lou…I see your view and here is another set of lyrics that I think perfectly describes the empathy vs narcissistic love affair….it’s also by Eurythmics…

      Love is a Stranger
      Love is a stranger
      In an open car
      To tempt you in
      And drive you far away

      And I want you
      And I want you
      And I want you so
      It’s an obsession

      Love is a danger
      Of a different kind
      To take you away
      And leave you far behind
      And love love love
      Is a dangerous drug
      You have to receive it
      And you still can’t
      Get enough of the stuff

      It’s savage and it’s cruel
      And it shines like destruction
      Comes in like the flood
      And it seems like religion
      It’s noble and it’s brutal
      It distorts and deranges
      And it wrenches you up
      And you’re left like a zombie

      And I want you
      And I want you
      And I want you so
      It’s an obsession

      It’s guilt edged
      Glamorous and sleek by design
      You know it’s jealous by nature
      False and unkind
      It’s hard and restrained
      And it’s totally cool
      It touches and it teases
      As you stumble in the debris

      And I want you
      And I want you
      And I want you so
      It’s an obsession

      Eurythmics….

      ….and you still can’t get enough of the stuffffffff……..crazy huh?

  7. Here comes the rain again
    Falling on my head like a memory
    Falling on my head like a new emotion
    I want to walk in the open wind
    I want to talk like lovers do
    I want to dive into your ocean
    Is it raining with you
    So baby talk to me
    Like lovers do
    Walk with me
    Like lovers do
    Talk to me
    Like lovers do
    Here comes the rain again
    Raining in my head like a tragedy
    Tearing me apart like a new emotion
    Oh
    I want to breathe in the open wind
    I want to kiss like lovers do
    I want to dive into your ocean
    Is it raining with you
    So baby talk to me
    Like lovers do!!!!!!!

    Sorry H.G. I couldn’t make it past the title on this one…,that song blaring through my head….however the words are quite fitting..,,maybe that’s what you were going for..with that title……yes I am crazy!
    Love that song and group….Eurythmics!!!! Sorry I know this is serious…I’m stopping…

    1. Here it comes again…..
      Here it comes again….I just couldn’t leave that part out! Now I’m stopping lol

  8. Ok, maybe I got possessed by the Christmas spirit and jumped into conclusions too fast. Apologies Mr Tudor, I did not mean to blame you for someone’s death. I actually think there must be other factors for someone to take their own life after narcissistic abuse….
    I think I better wait to read the whole story about Karen before I go all Inspector Goole here😉
    Beregii sebia

      1. seaShell

        Do you see something wrong in asking permission to print off an article one likes?

  9. I. am sure that narcissistic abuse can push a fragile person to commit suicide. I am supposing this was Karen’s case. Tragic.

    1. Lou
      I read that Jim Carey’s ex-girlfriend, Cat White, committed suicide after their breakup. Carey was accused of giving Cat multiple STDs and their relationship was quite tumultuous. I think he is a narcissist.

      1. Hi K! I have been thinking about the question of suicide and narcissistic abuse since yesterday and I can only speak from my own experience. There have been two moments in my life when I have thought death would be a relief and a statement. Narc abuse was present in both situations but was not the only reason for such thoughts. In reality, I had been through a series of very hard situations where my ego and self esteem had been eroded seriously by both the narcs in my life but also by other factors. I was exhausted at all levels. I never attempted anything and the thoughts just made me realized that something was wrong and that I needed to react. Did I put myself in these situations as a result of my upbringing by my Darth Moeder? Yes, but not entirely.
        Biology may play a big role too.
        Also whether or not there was substance abuse during the relationship with the narc, I suppose. In my case, there wasn’t.

      2. Hello Lou
        Suicide is such a serious and emotionally fraught subject and many people do not like to talk about it. I am sorry you were put in a position where you felt so exhausted and eroded, but I understand you all too well. When I was a child, I wished I were dead many times, so I understand that helpless feeling of wanting the pain to end and I do think our parents are responsible for causing some of the circumstances that bring about suicidal thoughts. I think you are correct: biology plays a strong role in our lives regarding suicide and drug use. Like you I never attempted anything and I feel bad for people who do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

      3. I don’t cling to this life and if I had HG’s world view I would have killed myself a long time ago. But my beliefs forbid it. 🙁
        I will never understand why people regard it as such a tragedy and crime, while they don’t care about other people while they are alive. Very sad HG couldn’t value his ex girlfriend and did not care, same as at present.

  10. I like your writing from the early days. It was raw, less cynical. There is more of you in there. Not as many masks as you wear now. Less prescriptive. I wonder if the new style of writing is the outcome of the many many hours with the good doctors.

  11. Since reading what has gone before, what a “refreshing” post! I agree with Dan. Your writing is quite captivating. It’s hard to read something beautiful like this and how you “seem” in my mind to how you portray yourself in some of your more maligned posts. You certainly are complex.

  12. Went back to read this post as somebody mentioned it. Its a beautiful one. Everything your write is fascinanting. As I finished reading I remembered we did the same infront of the lake or wherever we were, even in the middle of the city when it would rain we would get soaking wet and laugh until we wondered if we looked like idiots… Its bittersweet to read this, but I did not break up in tears. This with me means im almost through with letting go.

  13. Maybe you should live in Mawsynram to feel that way more often! This is an especially beautiful post. The meloncholia you describe is palatable. I love the rain and can relate to the cleansing feeling it brings.

    MLA-I enjoy your insightful comments. I’m curious to see the response from M myself! My hope is that you can get the answers you seek to heal and move on from the pain you’ve endured from your narc. Blessings to you!

    1. MAGPIE884 – I appreciate that! That means a lot and it was very kind of you to mention! I hope good things happen to you!

  14. Are you sure Karen didn’t replace your Angel Amanda? Third blog with Karen, but who’s counting? I don’t believe you used “Karen” as the name drop to Lesley from the TV in the other room either. Interesting how you associate a blog incorporating God, having sin / muck / grime / pollution washed away from you, tranquility and a beautiful memory with Karen all together. Could there be traces of remorse with whatever happened to her with her outcome?

    1. Hello Clarece, I see you are keeping a careful eye on me. Nobody could ever replace Amanda, Karen gave me what I yearned for in a different way. I note your scepticism concerning the name drop. That’s not like you, you are normally so accepting of what I write!! Could there be traces of remorse? No. I miss what Karen did for me, that’s what I mourn for. All about me again.

      1. Indeed I am following and making mental notes. I’ll question when I see a gap. Remember… if you were following closely, my Narc called me “feisty”. You’re admitting you “mourn” her, of course being what she gave to you but nonetheless, any kind of “fuel” can fill a void. You “mourn” her. That is a very human element when one cares deeply for another.

      2. Thanks for having my back Clarece! Yes I know you are the fiery-headed feisty one. I am pleased you recognise that I am human after all. I keep telling people this but they won’t believe me.

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