Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.

“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.

“No,” I answered promptly.

“I see. What do you understand by regret?”

“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”

“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.

“I haven’t.”

“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”

“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.

“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”

I nodded.

“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”

“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”

“Why is that?”

“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”

If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.

“The latter.”

“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”

“How about some examples?”

“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”

“No, that is sufficient.”

“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time.  They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me. Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance? It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down. It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated. Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this? I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”

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10 thoughts on “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien”

  1. That’s exactly what I’ve gotten. Man .. I would have expected regret at actions to cause marriage failure. Its my fault because I left. Amazing though how everything that lead up to that never considered. This explains the thought pattern.

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  2. Hi there,
    I found your blog 3 days ago and am absolutely loving it.
    You are a remarkably insightful, eloquent and fascinating creature.

    It is also surprising just how alike you and I behave, even if we do so for different reasons.

    For example, I am not materialistic. Big houses, flashy cars and designer clothes mean nothing to me.
    In fact, I view them as a form of slavery. Something designed to keep those who worship them perpetually dissatisfied and seeking validation.
    Caused my exes a lot of frustration when I would feel more enthusiastic about being presented with a wild flower than I would an expensive gift or jewellery.
    I am not so cheaply bought…

    I also don’t give a flying rat’s ass what people think of me, unless they are useful to me, but I do love playing with them.
    Get enormous pleasure out of hurting others and causing strife. Manipulating, triangulating…it really is fun watching people dance, turn on each other. Relationships crumble, families war, hostility in workplace…me on the sidelines looking like an angel.

    My husband, who is also my wonderful confidante, used to ask me why. Simple: because I can 🙂

    Another difference between us is that I don’t lie very much to potential partners or close friends. My narcissism dictates that I want them to love ME, not a lie.
    Of course I carefully craft myself, in some aspects, into what they want to see and know just what you mean about every word being thought through, but mainly they will get the real me.
    Hooks people, but with much less effort for me and more trust and understanding on their part.

    Also, I know exactly what you mean about people disappointing you. They try to sell the false image they have of themselves. Fair enough. But we are naturally intuitive and can easily see past the facade.
    As I say, you need far better material to bullshit a bullshitter.

    Now, I have no problems with people admitting their lies and dealing with obvious delusions. Admire it, even.
    But when they promised me a mint condition vintage Mustang and deliver a slightly rusty Ford Festiva…well, I will not be happy. Nor will I pretend to be.

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  3. Hi there,
    I found your blog 3 days ago and am absolutely loving it.
    You are a remarkably insightful, eloquent and fascinating creature.

    It is also surprising just how alike you and I behave, even if we do so for different reasons.

    For example, I am not materialistic. Big houses, flashy cars and designer clothes mean nothing to me.
    In fact, I view them as a form of slavery. Something designed to keep those who worship them perpetually dissatisfied and seeking validation.
    Caused my exes a lot of frustration when I would feel more enthusiastic about being presented with a wild flower than I would an expensive gift or jewellery.
    I am not so cheaply bought…

    I also don’t give a flying rat’s ass what people think of me, unless they are useful to me, but I do love playing with them.
    Get enormous pleasure out of hurting others and causing strife. Manipulating, triangulating…it really is fun watching people dance, turn on each other. Relationships crumble, families war, hostility in workplace…me on the sidelines looking like an angel.

    My husband, who is also my wonderful confidante, used to ask me why. Simple: because I can 🙂

    Another difference between us is that I don’t lie very much to potential partners or close friends. My narcissism dictates that I want them to love ME, not a lie.
    Of course I carefully craft myself, in some aspects, into what they want to see and know just what you mean about every word being thought through, but mainly they will get the real me.
    Hooks people, but with much less effort for me and more trust and understanding on their part.

    Also, I know exactly what you mean about people disappointing you. They try to sell the false image they have of themselves. Fair enough. But we are naturally intuitive and can easily see past the facade.
    As I say, you need far better material to bullshit a bullshitter.

    Now, I have no problems with people admitting their lies and dealing with obvious delusions. Admire it, even.
    But when they promised me a mint condition vintage Mustang and deliver a slightly rusty Ford Festiva…well, I will not be happy. Nor will I pretend to be.

    Non, rien de rien…

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  4. Thank you.

    I have been swimming in chaos for more than a decade. I poured love and kindness into my marriage, and was baffled by the…unpleasant results.

    Your insight and, truly, your courage in sharing it, has given me clarity for the first time since my wedding day. I know it doesn’t matter to you, but for all your claims of dark-hearted villainy, you are making a tremendous impact for good in my life.

    You’re like the Sherlock of broken-hearted empaths.

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