My God

I know a number of you have been curious as to what I look like so I thought it was high time I posted a picture so there you are. Just my little joke. I don’t have a beard. No, the question of spirituality is one that occasionally surfaces. I know of several of my kind who embed themselves in religious groups and congregations because there is a surfeit of care givers and do-gooders available to target. Not only are those who attend worship more likely to be empaths they are also beholden to a set of rules that exhorts them to behave in a thoroughly empathic manner. It is a double whammy of delicious goodness and evidently too good for some of my brethren to pass up.

Where does religion enter to elsewhere into our lives? I was asked recently whether I believed in God. I asked why and the questioner suggested (with fair reasoning I will admit) that she suspected that most narcissists are atheists. The reason for this is that we could not stand to believe that anything more powerful than ourselves exists. It is a good point and I know that it is an applicable one to some of my kind. But not me.

I attended church in my youth at the instruction of my parents. I found it tedious, although I did like the idea of having a pulpit and a captive audience. The history of organised religion interests me – now there were some master manipulators. I should imagine even I could learn something from the archbishops of yesteryear. I also attended a church school. I enjoyed school. It was where I first began to practise my craft and it also provided me the necessary interface with lots of different people, enabling me to study them and gauge their behaviours and reactions. You might regard this as being ahead of my time but I had a good teacher and of course daddy dearest was the headmaster as I have explained way back somewhere on this blog. I had no option to avoid religion. It flowed through the house and school and consequently my life. I was brought up to believe in God and complied with that, for the consequence of rejection was not one I wanted to suffer.

That explains my foundation in my belief but what of now? Has the passage of time and the progression of adulthood eradicated those beliefs? Not at all. If there was no God then how is it that I have been chosen to be as special as I am. Who else would lead and create and test. His power flows through me, I am his instrument and I am blessed with his power of judgement. He chooses many people to further his works and he invests each of them with a fraction of his might appertaining to different facets of his glorious being. The surgeons, nurses and charity workers are chosen to extend his tender caress across the world. The clergy are his mouthpiece, spreading the word and organising those that follow. The brilliant authors, artists, entertainers, inventors, sports stars and musicians have been blessed with an element of his almighty talent and power of creation and they are charged with bringing joy and enlightenment to the masses. For me, my role is to dispense with those who are not of his exacting standard, to challenge the impure, to test those who proclaim to be unblemished and loving and root out those that are the charlatans who do not deserve His perfect love. So yes, I believe in God for his power flows through me and I undertake his works.

18 thoughts on “My God

  1. annaamel says:

    HG, thankyou for your answers to my questions. I don’t want to clog up the ‘The One’ thread with all this so will move it here, if that’s alright.

    Your last answer to my question about your statement that you were God’s instrument was ‘No, I was demonstrating through that writing how the narcissist will adopt religion in that manner for the Prime Aims’.

    I can understand that. And I get that narcissists can be loose with the truth in pursuit of the PAs. (I personally think a narcissist who believes they do God’s work is a much scarier prospect so I am glad you say that it’s something you say not something you really believe.)

    But your replies to commenters in this and the complex God thread make it seem like this is personal for you – and not you speaking on behalf of the club. I can understand dramatic licence being taken with the posts. But the comments leave me confused.

    From the other thread – this reply to Lil One: ‘He has issued me with a particular mandate which I apply through my dealings’

    And to Me who suggests you do not truly know God: ‘But I do, he instructs me regularly.’

    On this thread, you respond to Byoung’s query about why you consider yourself a chosen one: ‘What evidence do I base this on? The way I am means I am special and above many other people’.

    And this to magpie who worries you’ll be smited: ‘I won’t incite God’s fury because I am his instrument doing what he wants. There are other instruments fulfilling different roles as I explained. It is not so much about earning or losing His Love but rather carrying out his mission through the talents I have been given.’

    (I notice you didn’t capitalise ‘h’ on a couple of hes and hims. But the rest is very definite.)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. A deity is an instrument which a narcissist will utilise in pursuit of the prime aims, as I did so in the answers that I gave.
      2. The absence of a deity is an instrument which a narcissist will utilise in pursuit of the prime aims, as I did so in the answers that I gave.
      3. The presence of some kind of “higher power” is an instrument which a narcissist will utilise in pursuit of the prime aims.

      Some narcissists stick to 1, 2 or 3 and are consistent in that regard. Others will move between 1,2 and 3 as the pursuit of the prime aims dictates.

  2. D says:

    he was not always an atheist. he dutifully attended Sunday service and the odd church function when we first met. I, on the other hand, had just recently escaped the clutches of the cult I was raised. one in which my world could end at any moment. my sense of reality was already skewed.

  3. Elaine says:

    I’m an atheist by the way…

  4. Elaine says:


  5. Peaceful says:

    The reference to God as the rest of us relate is humorous. Here’s a funny story…. my Nex told me when I met him that, in his garage ( where he kept his Audi A7 and bumble bee yellow ’04 corvette) that he would “speak to God” . God resided in the upper corner of the garage according to him. And they’d converse about financial matters. What move to make at work etc… He kept this facade for about a year or 2. Then blamed me for not being able to access this God, for he had told me about it. I assumed this was fictitious. And I’d ask him about this connection every so often (fun for me) just to get his reply.

  6. Michelle says:

    I have just recently found this site and am finding it very enlightening in my quest to understand who the hell I spent the last 8 years of my life with. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he is the exact opposite of everything I believed (everything he sold himself as) and how blind I was. Thank you for the honesty, it is something I could never get from him.
    I have wondered how “your kind” rationalized your behavior and treatment of others with your belief in God. My narc never struck me as very religious but, he claims that he is a Christian. Religion was not discussed much and he does not attend church but, he claims to pray every night and has referred to himself as “God fearing”. What I have never understood is how you justify doing things you know are wrong and hurtful to others if you believe in God? How do you claim to be a good person, a God fearing person, and think it’s okay to cause pain and suffering to anyone, let alone someone that’s bending over backwards to please you because they truly care for you? Do you believe God has granted you special privilege to cast judgement and dole out punishments? The Golden Rule (or any other rule) doesn’t apply to you, I suppose? I just don’t get it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Michelle, welcome and thank you for reading. I am pleased you are finding what is written of use to you. No, the Golden Rule does not apply to us. We should be treated the way we want to be treated and we can do as we please because we have no concept of accountability. The causing of suffering is collateral to our needs. Our need to be the best and provide leadership, be pioneers, the top of our class, the head of our field, means that we bring many benefits to the world (or perceive that we do) and therefore this is a “good thing” which more than outweighs the collateral damage that is caused. We are an instrument of God and even he recognises that people must be tested to deem they are worthy. We provide that test.

  7. magpie884 says:

    Interesting. If you don’t mind, which specific post did you mention your father being the headmaster? I don’t remember reading that tidbit.

    We are all meant to fulfill God’s purpose if we choose to be guided by him. We are ALL deserving of His love. There is nothing we can do to “earn” more of His love. There is nothing we can do that will make Him love us less. There ARE things we can do to ignite His anger and we will be judged by HIM accordingly. I understand you like to incite a strong reaction out of people…do you really want to incite God’s wrath & fury?

    I understand your desire for perfection, not only in others, but also in yourself. This is futile because perfection in humans doesn’t exist!! It’s an oxymoron…perfect human?? Impossible!! I won’t even try to comprehend what God’s purpose for you is, but we both know it’s not what you wrote here. I can’t begin to know what particular chain of events came together to make you who you are today, although you’ve made a few cryptic comments that are very telling. I assume you had some major trauma in your childhood and it’s sad that happened to you. I think if you confront that honestly, then maybe there’s a chance things may be better for you…which in turn could make things better for those around you! I believe you will find an answer if you truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly ALLOW yourself to find it.

    byoung, the scripture reference is chilling! Kudos!

    1. malignnarc says:

      The Headmaster reference is in Confessions of a Narcissist, you will like that article I should think (plus quite a few others there).
      I won’t incite God’s fury because I am his instrument doing what he wants. There are other instruments fulfilling different roles as I explained. It is not so much about earning or losing His Love but rather carrying out his mission through the talents I have been given. I know what my purpose is and whilst I appreciate you are entitled to your opinion and indeed I invite you to share it, I have my purpose and I will fulfil it.
      Dr E and Dr O enjoy referencing the childhood issue and they keep scratching at it. Maybe it will be addressed, maybe it won’t, but in the meanwhile I understand the kindness in your words as that is how you are. Thank you.

      1. Jennie says:

        What if you discover that you were wrong about God’s intent and preferences? What does a narcissist do when facing a being that’s unequivocally better and more powerful than himself, whom he cannot charm or lie to successfully, and who has absolute control over what’s going to happen to him from now on?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have yet to meet such a person but if for the sake of example I did, I would just switch to someone who would submit to my control and provide me with what i needed,

    2. Eowyn says:

      Ah, this desire – need, really – for perfection does make sense. Traumatic childhood events or relationships can teach a person that imperfection isn’t just a side effect of humanity, it’s lethal. Thus, in order to stay alive, one must be perfect, and demand the same from everyone else one comes in contact with.

      The huge problem being, embracing imperfections, acknowledging and owning them, and growing from the experience, is the only way to become healthy and safe.

      It’s a vicious paradox I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

  8. Suzanne says:

    How ironic. A religious narcissist and me, an atheist empath.

    I’m afraid to say that your ‘talents’ are actually a damaged mind and possibly bad genes. Isn’t anything holy about it.

    Those who are religious actually believe you’re the work of the devil, but as I do not believe in him either, I will stick with the scientific answer!

    1. malignnarc says:

      There’s plenty that is holy about me. (I am teeing this one up for you).

  9. byoung19963 says:

    Wow!!! Yep and you think that you have everlasting access to the mercy seat ….let me ask you this …what evidence do you base this on? Is there something in the bible you correlate to your special status? Or are you above all in your mind? I link your existence back to 2 Timothy 3:1-7

    1. malignnarc says:

      I don’t link this to anything in the bible but if I wanted to I daresay I could find something that would fit my purpose. That is the beauty of the Bible, it lends itself to various interpretations. What evidence do I base this on? The way I am means I am special and above many other people.

    2. sea Shell says:

      Wow! byoung19963… you really nailed it with that text from the bible! I had to look it up and it is though it is written specifically for Narcs.

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