My God

I know a number of you have been curious as to what I look like so I thought it was high time I posted a picture so there you are. Just my little joke. I don’t have a beard. No, the question of spirituality is one that occasionally surfaces. I know of several of my kind who embed themselves in religious groups and congregations because there is a surfeit of care givers and do-gooders available to target. Not only are those who attend worship more likely to be empaths they are also beholden to a set of rules that exhorts them to behave in a thoroughly empathic manner. It is a double whammy of delicious goodness and evidently too good for some of my brethren to pass up.

Where does religion enter to elsewhere into our lives? I was asked recently whether I believed in God. I asked why and the questioner suggested (with fair reasoning I will admit) that she suspected that most narcissists are atheists. The reason for this is that we could not stand to believe that anything more powerful than ourselves exists. It is a good point and I know that it is an applicable one to some of my kind. But not me.

I attended church in my youth at the instruction of my parents. I found it tedious, although I did like the idea of having a pulpit and a captive audience. The history of organised religion interests me – now there were some master manipulators. I should imagine even I could learn something from the archbishops of yesteryear. I also attended a church school. I enjoyed school. It was where I first began to practise my craft and it also provided me the necessary interface with lots of different people, enabling me to study them and gauge their behaviours and reactions. You might regard this as being ahead of my time but I had a good teacher and of course daddy dearest was the headmaster as I have explained way back somewhere on this blog. I had no option to avoid religion. It flowed through the house and school and consequently my life. I was brought up to believe in God and complied with that, for the consequence of rejection was not one I wanted to suffer.

That explains my foundation in my belief but what of now? Has the passage of time and the progression of adulthood eradicated those beliefs? Not at all. If there was no God then how is it that I have been chosen to be as special as I am. Who else would lead and create and test. His power flows through me, I am his instrument and I am blessed with his power of judgement. He chooses many people to further his works and he invests each of them with a fraction of his might appertaining to different facets of his glorious being. The surgeons, nurses and charity workers are chosen to extend his tender caress across the world. The clergy are his mouthpiece, spreading the word and organising those that follow. The brilliant authors, artists, entertainers, inventors, sports stars and musicians have been blessed with an element of his almighty talent and power of creation and they are charged with bringing joy and enlightenment to the masses. For me, my role is to dispense with those who are not of his exacting standard, to challenge the impure, to test those who proclaim to be unblemished and loving and root out those that are the charlatans who do not deserve His perfect love. So yes, I believe in God for his power flows through me and I undertake his works.

45 thoughts on “My God

  1. Joa says:

    A well-known theme.

    N2 once sent me a photo of the statue of Zeus – as a photo of himself of course.

    There were more of these kinds of “jokes”.

    Asshole 🙂

    1. Joa says:

      I forgot to add, that the statue was half-naked and reclining, covering what was most interesting 🙂

    2. alexissmith2016 says:

      Hahha wow that is hilarious Joa! I want to hear all of these. It’s crazy how some Ns perceive themselves

  2. annaamel says:

    HG, thankyou for your answers to my questions. I don’t want to clog up the ‘The One’ thread with all this so will move it here, if that’s alright.

    Your last answer to my question about your statement that you were God’s instrument was ‘No, I was demonstrating through that writing how the narcissist will adopt religion in that manner for the Prime Aims’.

    I can understand that. And I get that narcissists can be loose with the truth in pursuit of the PAs. (I personally think a narcissist who believes they do God’s work is a much scarier prospect so I am glad you say that it’s something you say not something you really believe.)

    But your replies to commenters in this and the complex God thread make it seem like this is personal for you – and not you speaking on behalf of the club. I can understand dramatic licence being taken with the posts. But the comments leave me confused.

    From the other thread – this reply to Lil One: ‘He has issued me with a particular mandate which I apply through my dealings’

    And to Me who suggests you do not truly know God: ‘But I do, he instructs me regularly.’

    On this thread, you respond to Byoung’s query about why you consider yourself a chosen one: ‘What evidence do I base this on? The way I am means I am special and above many other people’.

    And this to magpie who worries you’ll be smited: ‘I won’t incite God’s fury because I am his instrument doing what he wants. There are other instruments fulfilling different roles as I explained. It is not so much about earning or losing His Love but rather carrying out his mission through the talents I have been given.’

    (I notice you didn’t capitalise ‘h’ on a couple of hes and hims. But the rest is very definite.)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. A deity is an instrument which a narcissist will utilise in pursuit of the prime aims, as I did so in the answers that I gave.
      2. The absence of a deity is an instrument which a narcissist will utilise in pursuit of the prime aims, as I did so in the answers that I gave.
      3. The presence of some kind of “higher power” is an instrument which a narcissist will utilise in pursuit of the prime aims.

      Some narcissists stick to 1, 2 or 3 and are consistent in that regard. Others will move between 1,2 and 3 as the pursuit of the prime aims dictates.

      1. annaamel says:

        You are God-fluid.

        I listened to your interview with Doug today and luckily this was one your topics of discussion with him. I think you like Doug. I am assuming you can like people because you are able to dislike some of them: James Corden (cunt), Ed Sheeran (creator of bland cheese).

        Would you claim to like James Cordon if it got you the Prime Aims? Would you buy Ed Sheeran and Celine Dion’s whole catalogue and play their songs on a loop at 11 if it got you your prime aims?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If necessary I could do that, although given my vast repertoire of skills I would be able to secure the Prime Aims without having to engage in such activity.

        2. WhoCares says:


          “Would you claim to like James Cordon if it got you the Prime Aims? Would you buy Ed Sheeran and Celine Dion’s whole catalogue and play their songs on a loop at 11 if it got you your prime aims?”

          Too funny.

        3. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Hahaha love your questions Anna!

          Imagine HG locked in a room for hours with no one to talk to but JC and the only way he can drown out his sounds is by turning up the volume on celine Dion.
          That would literally be the best carpool karaoke ever hahhaha oh my god – commission it someone please!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I would drive my thumbs into his piggy little eyes so his screams would cover up Celine. Then as he stumbled around blindly, I would intermittently punch him, sending him to the floor. Thereafter, I would tear one ear off his head and then the other. Those ears would be stuffed into his mouth. I would indulge in occasional assaults upon his person until tired of doing so I would expire him. His bulk would then be used to smother the speaker playing Dion.

            I can sit in an empty room for several hours awaiting the appointed release time.

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Personally I’d have taken his tongue out rather than his ears off. Probably just me.

          3. alexissmith2016 says:

            Hahahahaah oh wow! Love that response HG! I’m definitely tuning in for that.

          4. Joa says:

            It was hard for me, to read what HG wrote. Even if it’s a joke, I understand the concept and have heard similar a thousand times.


            Sometimes I think, I don’t fit in this world. And then I remember my sister, who is even “worse” in this respect (+ immediate terrorism) and I console myself, that it is not that bad with me 🙂

          5. @joa “Sometimes I think, I don’t fit in this world”, your comment made me feel really sad for you Joa. What was it about HG’s response that you didn’t like?

            I think as Es all of us feel we don’t fit in at times.

          6. jasmin says:

            My mind visualise everything and what HG wrote sickens me.

            It’s scary to me that he is perfectly capable of doing it and be completely indifferent.

            I don’t fit in this word either but I don’t care about fitting in anymore. I create my own world.
            Nature is calling!🌳🐿🌊

          7. Joa says:

            Alex, I was ashamed and used mental self-flagellation, that you felt sad because I felt sad 🙂

            I can answer your question by concealing part of the truth, so as not to offend anyone, or to answer honestly – risking the possibility of sticking a splinter to someone (if there is not enough distance) and at the same time revealing my disgusting feeling of superiority, which I try to blunt, but is part of me and sometimes stands out to the surface (self-flagellation again).

            I will answer honestly. I felt sad because:

            1. HG’s statement is too brutal for me. Would you say that to a child? In part of my personality, I have retained a childlike sensitivity (love, good). As if I have made up my mind, that I do not want to and do not intend to grow up. I do not want and do not intend to see, what the world insistently shows. I enclosed these parts of me in a flexible soap bubble, to protect them. The walls of this bubble are as sensitive as a spider’s web, a slight nudge causes alertness, stiffness, and inside bells ring the alarm. This is exactly, what was caused by HG’s statement. The reaction is disproportionate to the seemingly trivial statement. Incomprehensible for most people (except my sister, who in this situation would already electrocute the interlocutors with an electric shock, ha ha ha, I am more understanding and calmer than she – until the time). This bubble protects me even… from me, because sometimes I disappoint this child myself. Hence my sadness.

            2. The second shade of this case is ugly, but fortunately smaller. These are the remains of my stepfather’s upbringing and remains of the status of the family facade. Unfortunately, they are deep. Idiotic pride and the feeling of standing a little higher on a stool:
            I am above these kinds of statements, too common, too coarse, too simplet…
            Oops 🙂
            Sadness for people and myself.

            I should have titled it:
            A long statement about a short, like-shot, emotional state 🙂

  3. D says:

    he was not always an atheist. he dutifully attended Sunday service and the odd church function when we first met. I, on the other hand, had just recently escaped the clutches of the cult I was raised. one in which my world could end at any moment. my sense of reality was already skewed.

  4. Elaine says:

    I’m an atheist by the way…

    1. Joa says:

      I don’t like labels, but neither, I don’t believe in God.

      Unfortunately, I was also forced to attend mass in the church weekly, I had to attend religion lessons, take the sacraments, etc. I was rebellious already as a 7-year-old child, but I managed to finish this circus 100% effectively, when I was around 13-14 years old.


      Initially, I didn’t want to go to church and religion lessons, because it bored me. Later, I realized that nothing, in the teachings of the Scriptures, corresponded to reality.

      It got stuck in my head, when the priest expelled my mother and us (me and my sister – aged 6 and 5) from the church, in front of all the people, because she had married a divorcee.
      Or… when the priest dragged me and my sister to the altar, holding our ear tightly, because we whispered something to each other and smiled at each other.
      Or… when nuns locked my best friend from the Orphanage, in a dark cell for 3 days or beat her with a cable from the iron.

      Lie. Hypocrisy. A pile of imaginary stories. This is religion.

      I keep my distance from the Church – just so as not to offend the feelings of people, who need it.

      1. Joa says:

        I must add one more thing. Even as children, me and my sister were disgusted with the wafer, that the priest putting in ours mouth. It was humiliating.

        Why, some old man, who welcomed ladies of light manners in the presbytery at night (I lived opposite the church), dressed in a cassock always smelling musty, probably not washing his hands after leaving the toilet, stuffed a piece of waffle in my mouth, calling it ” The Body of God “?
        A line of girls and boys, humble servants, standing open-mouthed… Sometimes his dirty, salty, rough fingers touched my tongue and I felt sick.

        Were children’s hands, was too dirty, to be unable to reach for the wafer?

        Fortunately, I quickly “mixed” myself out of this forced practice.

        Only I can decide, what and when to put in my mouth.


        Now please lynch me 🙂

        1. njfilly says:

          Ha ha!! “Ladies of light manners”. I love that. I can’t wait to use this line in conversation somewhere!

          1. Joa says:

            njfilly, indeed, I can’t call another woman a “whore”, “bitch”, etc. It doesn’t go down my throat.

            I can’t name like this a person, who sells shis body and shis heat for money. It is an agreement between persons (as long as there is no compulsion).

            But, for example, I could, in a state of great indignation and pain, call these epithets a woman, who was unable to protect her child from abuse by her partner (!).

            And I like these kinds of epithets in bed – in the right situation, at the right moment, and with a man I trust.

      2. I haven’t shared the same experiences you did re the church Joa, but I also had to attend church each Sunday. I found it dull, and like you realised that many of the congregation were not as ‘nice’ as they tried to portray themselves to be. It just didn’t match in my head at all because as a young child at least, I tried my best to be kind to others and do the right thing but something was a miss that other (not all) church goers did not appear to do the same. As a rebellious teen I quit church and my mother wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. I don’t think it was an ST as such (there was a time when I thought it may have been), but more she was desperate hurt that I didn’t want to go and whilst perhaps not an N (and again there was a stage I questioned this heavily), she was very concerned with the facade. Portraying a perfect family image when we most definitely were not, was of the utmost importance to her. Yet she didn’t seem to care so much about how we actually felt or what experiences we went through, just as long as nobody knew.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Me too, I also was required to go to Sunday school then church. I was in the church choir, the only kid with a group of retired women. They asked me to do a solo once but when I practiced with the organist she told me I sounded like Mickey Mouse. I refused to go back after that. In fairness I probably did sound a bit like Mickey.

        2. Joa says:

          Alex, it was the same for me. Family facade.

          In my family, only my grandmother was truly religious and practicing – it was charming and gave her strength, but also a certain “stiffness”.

          My stepfather was above religion.

          My mother believes what she wants – she recognizes, tribute only the Mother of God 🙂

          My sister believes in God and prays to him, but she never goes to church and stays away from that institution. It is her private God for prayers for all loved ones, their relatives and their relatives, as well as for birds and animals 🙂 I’m sure, that she even prays for “my” N1, for the black soul and the conversion of “my” N2 and for my pets 🙂

          I – keep my distance from the church and beliefs, so as not to offend someone with my sarcasm, irony and not to explode 🙂

  5. Elaine says:


    1. Anna says:


  6. Peaceful says:

    The reference to God as the rest of us relate is humorous. Here’s a funny story…. my Nex told me when I met him that, in his garage ( where he kept his Audi A7 and bumble bee yellow ’04 corvette) that he would “speak to God” . God resided in the upper corner of the garage according to him. And they’d converse about financial matters. What move to make at work etc… He kept this facade for about a year or 2. Then blamed me for not being able to access this God, for he had told me about it. I assumed this was fictitious. And I’d ask him about this connection every so often (fun for me) just to get his reply.

  7. Michelle says:

    I have just recently found this site and am finding it very enlightening in my quest to understand who the hell I spent the last 8 years of my life with. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he is the exact opposite of everything I believed (everything he sold himself as) and how blind I was. Thank you for the honesty, it is something I could never get from him.
    I have wondered how “your kind” rationalized your behavior and treatment of others with your belief in God. My narc never struck me as very religious but, he claims that he is a Christian. Religion was not discussed much and he does not attend church but, he claims to pray every night and has referred to himself as “God fearing”. What I have never understood is how you justify doing things you know are wrong and hurtful to others if you believe in God? How do you claim to be a good person, a God fearing person, and think it’s okay to cause pain and suffering to anyone, let alone someone that’s bending over backwards to please you because they truly care for you? Do you believe God has granted you special privilege to cast judgement and dole out punishments? The Golden Rule (or any other rule) doesn’t apply to you, I suppose? I just don’t get it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Michelle, welcome and thank you for reading. I am pleased you are finding what is written of use to you. No, the Golden Rule does not apply to us. We should be treated the way we want to be treated and we can do as we please because we have no concept of accountability. The causing of suffering is collateral to our needs. Our need to be the best and provide leadership, be pioneers, the top of our class, the head of our field, means that we bring many benefits to the world (or perceive that we do) and therefore this is a “good thing” which more than outweighs the collateral damage that is caused. We are an instrument of God and even he recognises that people must be tested to deem they are worthy. We provide that test.

  8. magpie884 says:

    Interesting. If you don’t mind, which specific post did you mention your father being the headmaster? I don’t remember reading that tidbit.

    We are all meant to fulfill God’s purpose if we choose to be guided by him. We are ALL deserving of His love. There is nothing we can do to “earn” more of His love. There is nothing we can do that will make Him love us less. There ARE things we can do to ignite His anger and we will be judged by HIM accordingly. I understand you like to incite a strong reaction out of people…do you really want to incite God’s wrath & fury?

    I understand your desire for perfection, not only in others, but also in yourself. This is futile because perfection in humans doesn’t exist!! It’s an oxymoron…perfect human?? Impossible!! I won’t even try to comprehend what God’s purpose for you is, but we both know it’s not what you wrote here. I can’t begin to know what particular chain of events came together to make you who you are today, although you’ve made a few cryptic comments that are very telling. I assume you had some major trauma in your childhood and it’s sad that happened to you. I think if you confront that honestly, then maybe there’s a chance things may be better for you…which in turn could make things better for those around you! I believe you will find an answer if you truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly ALLOW yourself to find it.

    byoung, the scripture reference is chilling! Kudos!

    1. malignnarc says:

      The Headmaster reference is in Confessions of a Narcissist, you will like that article I should think (plus quite a few others there).
      I won’t incite God’s fury because I am his instrument doing what he wants. There are other instruments fulfilling different roles as I explained. It is not so much about earning or losing His Love but rather carrying out his mission through the talents I have been given. I know what my purpose is and whilst I appreciate you are entitled to your opinion and indeed I invite you to share it, I have my purpose and I will fulfil it.
      Dr E and Dr O enjoy referencing the childhood issue and they keep scratching at it. Maybe it will be addressed, maybe it won’t, but in the meanwhile I understand the kindness in your words as that is how you are. Thank you.

      1. Jennie says:

        What if you discover that you were wrong about God’s intent and preferences? What does a narcissist do when facing a being that’s unequivocally better and more powerful than himself, whom he cannot charm or lie to successfully, and who has absolute control over what’s going to happen to him from now on?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have yet to meet such a person but if for the sake of example I did, I would just switch to someone who would submit to my control and provide me with what i needed,

      2. Joa says:

        Mission, hmm…
        The worst and most dangerous compulsion.

    2. Eowyn says:

      Ah, this desire – need, really – for perfection does make sense. Traumatic childhood events or relationships can teach a person that imperfection isn’t just a side effect of humanity, it’s lethal. Thus, in order to stay alive, one must be perfect, and demand the same from everyone else one comes in contact with.

      The huge problem being, embracing imperfections, acknowledging and owning them, and growing from the experience, is the only way to become healthy and safe.

      It’s a vicious paradox I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

  9. Suzanne says:

    How ironic. A religious narcissist and me, an atheist empath.

    I’m afraid to say that your ‘talents’ are actually a damaged mind and possibly bad genes. Isn’t anything holy about it.

    Those who are religious actually believe you’re the work of the devil, but as I do not believe in him either, I will stick with the scientific answer!

    1. malignnarc says:

      There’s plenty that is holy about me. (I am teeing this one up for you).

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Brilliant! 🙂

      2. Joa says:

        Indeed, sometimes I had the feeling, that the goal of N1 and N2 was to get me to do something wrong.

        As if nothing else interested them, as if they were wearing flaps over their eyes like horses; one goal to derail me from the line on which I am walking.

        As if they wanted to console themselves, feel better.


        I always felt it, so I never gave them that satisfaction. I have not done anything against myself. Yes, I am proud of it.

      3. Viol. says:

        Yet no-one has putted so far.

    2. Truthseeker6157 says:

      “There is plenty that is holy about me.”

      Wholly astute?
      Wholly recalcitrant?
      Wholly addictive?
      Wholly indomitable?


  10. byoung19963 says:

    Wow!!! Yep and you think that you have everlasting access to the mercy seat ….let me ask you this …what evidence do you base this on? Is there something in the bible you correlate to your special status? Or are you above all in your mind? I link your existence back to 2 Timothy 3:1-7

    1. malignnarc says:

      I don’t link this to anything in the bible but if I wanted to I daresay I could find something that would fit my purpose. That is the beauty of the Bible, it lends itself to various interpretations. What evidence do I base this on? The way I am means I am special and above many other people.

    2. sea Shell says:

      Wow! byoung19963… you really nailed it with that text from the bible! I had to look it up and it is though it is written specifically for Narcs.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Wounded Creature

Next article

Money Matters