Random Control

API to get a roll of the dice

Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules. People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice. That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one. Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage. There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.

7 thoughts on “Random Control

  1. Kasia says:

    I think that many bosses use this tactic,
    They say do this and you start doing this. A few minutes later they say no don’t do this. Do that it is more important.
    It is all about control.

  2. Gary Spotts says:

    I have difficulty understanding how people can be conditioned to do this. My ex tried this crap.

    For a short period of time (months) I assumed her capriciousness was due to the crap she had dealt with in her previous marriage where she was the one being abused (she says). So I accomodated her.

    After I determined that was not the case, I had no trouble in beginning to call her out about the randomness of her “rules.” She didn’t seem to fare well after that.

    Maybe that’s why she devalued me so quickly and hasn’t tried to hoover me. I proved to be useless as a source of supply. 😉

  3. Hurt says:

    So what happens when the narcissist feel that you are slipping away or that he is losing control over you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Different manipulations, increased application of manipulations, preventative hoovers, shift to alternative fuel supplies.

  4. Hurt says:

    HG, does a narcissist lose interest if they can fully control you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It can appear that way but it is actually governed by the provision and the potency of the fuel. We want complete control.

  5. Margaux says:

    Yes, yes, and yes! 🙌🏼 It is insane how well and exact you describe it! But of course for it is you. Still to hear the hell I live with explained so well from a complete stranger is astounding.

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