Why so Personal?

I do find it fascinating that you take everything so personally. You complain about the amount of time which I spend playing a strategy game on my laptop or fiddling with my iphone. I am enjoying playing that game or connecting with people through social media on my Iphone, it is nothing against you. Just because I spend an entire afternoon cleaning, waxing and polishing my car, you go into a sulk. Why? The fact I really like my new car and take pride in keeping it looking good is surely a good thing isn’t it? You automatically assume that it is some kind of slur against you because I am outside buffing the bodywork and not sitting talking to you. I choose to go to the match with a few friends rather than go shopping with you and there is an almighty bust-up. Why is that? I like watching sport and shopping does not really interest me. In fact, I prefer to do my shopping online or if I do go to the stores, I go alone. That way I know what I want, I can go and buy it and then leave. In and out. The best method and preferable to dawdling along behind slow-walking people in a mall. Yet you seem to regard this choice of mine as some kind of stain against your character. It is not.

Even when we have one of our frequent arguments and I hurl insults at you, you always take them to heart. You should not do so. I may criticise your haircut or the jumper you are wearing, I may seize on a character trait and make that a source of a scathing remark against you and you go to pieces. There is no need. I do not actually see you. You are but an object to me and I insult everybody. I have no prejudices, I hate everybody equally. You happen to bear the brunt of these remarks because you spend more time with me. I do the same in the workplace or amongst certain friends. It is not personal to you at all, I am merely pressing the button on the relevant appliance to ensure that I am getting my fix of fuel. For some reason, you descend into a spiral of despair and question your self-esteem and worry about your self-worth. You sit with a trusted circle and recount the torments and insults (why do that? You are just pulling the scab off the wound) as you question why is it you that I am so awful to. It isn’t you. I have no concept of you. You and all the other appliances blur into one. You are machines for the production and provision of fuel. Perhaps if you started to remember that that is the case you would feel less troubled by my behaviour and remarks in the future. Try it, you never know you might just for once stop thinking that it is all about you.

25 thoughts on “Why so Personal?

  1. Kasia says:

    I understood that when narcissists blame me and criticise me I should not take it personal because they only want to gain fuel from me and it doesn’t mean that all they say is true.
    For example if somebody says that I’m ugly or stupid I should not believe what they say because they only want to make a reaction from me and gain fuel.
    Knowledge is everything ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. AJ Donovan says:

    I belong to a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Often people, usually women, will lament and ask what they did wrong? Why the new supply? We blame ourselves for your actions. It gave me a measure of peace to know that it’s not personal because you treat everyone the same way eventually. As you said, we’re appliances not people. So how could it be personal? It helped me to detach and look at it from the standpoint where I’m a research assistant studying a lab rat.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Sensible and demonstrates the application of logic.

  3. Bret says:

    The hypocrisy within this article โ€œWhy So Personalโ€ is almost laughable. Are you not the type to take any sort of criticism or insult in the same, or worse, personal manner? Are you not the type that can โ€œdish it out, but not take itโ€? The simple fact that you feel โ€œentitledโ€ to speak to anyone in the manner in which you may, gives permission to anyone else to do the same to you. There is no superiority, it only exists in the mind of you and people like you. Viewing yourself that way and above others, actually positions you in a place of being lower than everyone else. Anyone that has to resort to attempting to exert some sort of control over another, is only admitting they have absolutely no control over their own life. That in itself is shameful.

  4. IJ says:

    He keeps saying, “It’s not personal. Stop making it such.”. More and more pieces keep falling into place. I don’t know why it even matters, but part of me wanted for him to not know what he is or what he’s doing, but the more I read, the more I think he’s a Greater or Elite.

  5. MissGecko says:

    “Try it, you never know you might just for once stop thinking that it is all about you.”

    Well, that’s exactly the point why we are hurt, though – because in your world precisely nothing is about us.

  6. Magic says:

    My ex narc (whom I found out after 15 months was married) disengaged then malign hoovered to tell me his wife was pregnant … I duly said congratulations and wished him happy days .. he said ‘not a chance, my life is over ‘ – probably the only truthful thing he’s ever told me. New baby – less attention, less freedom, more domestication, less potential interest from other victims ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

  7. Miss Evelyn says:

    I wonder do you hate your own children as equally?

    1. malignnarc says:

      I don’t have any children.I made a conscious decision not to have any as it would mean sharing the limelight too much.

      1. Miss Evelyn says:

        If you don’t have any children, your continual limelight will end as there isn’t an extension of yourself. Have you thought of that ?

        1. malignnarc says:

          I will secure fuel until I draw my last breath. After that, there is nothing. My legacy will live on in those I have influenced in the many spheres within which I operate. Children will drain me now and steal fuel but I know I will have my legacy without them.

          1. Miss Evelyn says:

            How can you be so sure your legacy will live onto those that surround you ? I find it fascinating you wouldn’t want clones of yourself.

  8. Beth says:

    Sounds as though you are writing about a narc I know. So textbook. Wow. Thank you for writing this. I thought I was the only one.

    1. Stacey says:

      Beth, sounds like my narc also. Wonder if he is the same one ….???

      1. malignnarc says:

        Or maybe we are more than one person.

    2. malignnarc says:

      Hi Beth and thanks for posting. You will experience the feeling that I am writing about a narc you know because we act in such similar fashion. Glad you found it of interest.

  9. Sidney says:

    A fine challenge….

  10. MLA - Clarece says:

    Before I realized what I was dealing with, and thought I could “reason” with my Narc, he would tell me consistently, “stop overthinking”, “don’t take it personal”, and the best as of recently, “not my style” (as in to be sentimental or to explain his millionth apology to me). If I push or give examples of down and out lies, then the insults start with me being “creepy” or “be a woman I’d actually be attracted to being with”.
    You say for us not to fill with despair, but we, desperately wanting to have your affectionate attention and please you, cannot help it. And if we didn’t, you would not get your fuel. So you do want the downward spiral into despair. You make it as personal as you can dig which is why in the golden period you mimic us to understand every nuance we have.

    1. malignnarc says:


  11. I’ve just finished reading your Escape book. Nicely done – had me wondering if you were Prince Harry for a while with the animals you support here and there. You say several times in this particular book though, that you don’t wish to dwell on why you’ve become what you are, but I’m really keen to know your opinion on that exact thing. Sam Vaknin is just too drawn out, meandering, and convoluted for me specifically to really understand – no offense to him, again, if he’s watching, as he does. I’ve been wondering if the whole narcissism disease is actually a form of singular cognitive dissonance, except trapped in only one particular age, experience, or decision. Many sites offering help for cd suggest that the way out is to re-parent the various ages of children stuck in your mind and holding you back with the fears and terrors that stopped them where they where. Is it possible that the narcissist was stopped fully with one only? Or is it a deal with the devil kind of thing? I mean no offense to you with these questions – just interested to know if evil really is truly born as a black soul, or simply a defense mechanism of a hurt child.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Jo and thank you for your thoughtful post. Please excuse my tardiness in replying. I am pleased you found Escape of interest. No I am not Prince Harry. I have met him and he is a smashing chap. Takes a real interest in people and puts them in the centre of things, much like our kind, albeit Harry does it for benign reasons. I don’t like to dwell on why I have become what I am, although I do know why. The work that is being undertaken with me by Dr E and Dr O is designed,in part, to cause me to address this why and confront it. You are certainly at the right tree with regard to the concept of being trapped in one particular age, experience or decision. As I have just written in an answer to a question about what would have had to be different to prevent the creature from within from having been created, in my case, there are three experiences which created that beast. I do not know if the re-parent proposal would be effective, I do not want to be parented again.
      As to Sam Vaknin he provides useful observations in his own style but I appreciate the points you make. I prefer to be more direct and leave out much of the science and give you my viewpoint. I am blessed with the level of my intellect to be able to articulate this is a particular fashion and also through the work of Drs O and E I have been able to gain insight and reflect on what my behaviour might stem from. They have actually been helpful in enabling me to reflect without looking into the eyes of the creature. I suspect many of my kind do not reflect as this means we have to lock our gaze with the creature and that fills us with horror, so reflection is avoided. I have managed to do it to a degree. I do think that providing my viewpoint in a simple, direct fashion provides people with a different way of understanding what has happened and is happening. It my not be comfortable reading but Imake no apology for that. No offence taken with your questions by the way, I am pleased you felt moved to ask.

      1. Thank you for answering me. You’re kind of hard not to like even though you’re so thoroughly honest about what you are, and I’m really enjoying reading your books – sometimes my blood runs a little cold, but other times the difficulty of being what you are makes me kind of understand it a little. Either way – you are – so far, unique for helping me personally to understand this disorder just a tiny bit better. In some ways victims arrive at the narcissists table already horribly damaged, and sometimes – only sometimes, the narcissist is instrumental with his/her very abuse in helping that victim overcome much bigger hurts and learn to deal and heal rather than living a life of avoidance. So while not good – sometimes just bad enough to do good. All the best to you and thanks once again.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Hello Jo, thank you for your post and the compliment, it is appreciated. I am pleased you are enjoying reading the books and that they are providing you with some understanding. Yes, the blood will run cold but it serves no purpose to dress up what the reality is. I agree that some victims arrive already damaged. Sometimes it is because they have already been mauled by one of our kind. Sometimes they are damaged in a way they do not realise. There are those who stop at nothing to try and heal, to fix and to soothe. They go beyond anything the usual victim endures and I do think that this is a form of damage, it is almost as if they have no register of pain to tell them to stop. All marvellous fuel of course but is akin to someone continuing to run despite a broken leg because the pain is not registering. We would all agree that someone who cannot feel a broken leg is damaged despite the fact they continue to run. In the same way, I regard some people as damaged despite their astonishing capacity to continue to heal others. Then there are those who are damaged in some other way – they have not been burned by our kind and they are not programmed to keep going and trying to fix and heal – those people can be “jolted” almost into addressing things rather than avoid as you suggest. I can never claim to be a healer, I am not. Nor can I ever claim to feel the way to heal (although I read the texts about how this can be achieved so I know how it can be done – as ever I am sponge for knowledge even if I cannot feel the way healing can take place) . It is rare to come across situations where our abuse helps move the victim overcome some other hurt, but it does happen. I am pleased you have picked up on that, at last I can jab my detractors in the eye and say, “See, we do do good!”. I am always telling those I ensnare that I have their bests interests at heart, perhaps a few more people will believe that after your astute observation.

          1. Narcster says:

            My last and final dark empath/emotionally avoidant/relationship phobic/covert narcissist ended up healing me more than damaging me.. I was already damaged and primed for his tricks.. it was too easy for him and I never tired.. I was a dream.. Finally it is he who lead me to see myself and all the places I was lacking and lying to myself and my delusions and own narsistic traits.. I finally saw it all and understood life in a way I never understood before.. I.am.not.glad for what I went through emotionally, but I am glad what the journey was all about and for that I am very grateful for the exact narcist I fell in love with and no other.. None other will do.. ๐Ÿ™‚

            HG.. I am your fan. A fan of your honesty and writing skills and knowledge.. No one could touch Jason Silva in my mind for an idol and Paulo Calho as an author.. You take the cake.. I am in awe of you…

            Truly a Narcistic Empath.. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        2. Joa says:

          Indeed, once I used to be very close to myself and it was easy to get hurt by such bland words.

          I have never been jealous of someone’s interests, hobbies or passion (!). On the contrary, I helped, strengthened, encouraged and nurtured.
          I do it all the time, I support someone, I mobilize, lift someone; I am bursting with pride, when people triumph and when they are successful when they are proud of themselves ๐Ÿ™‚ Then I am happy.

          This is a great text, HG. I’m sure he helped many people.

          The conversation and comments between Jorobinson and HG are wonderful!

          Jorobinson – I agree, all the N., that stood in my way had an impact on my self-development (except the rapist!). I have never regretted meeting them and having loved or befriended (despite the wounds, that are indispensable…). Every wound and every weakness is transformed into strength. The things, that hurt me in the past, seem funny, superficial to me today. It’s like taming reality.

          HG – yes, I could call you a healer, for sure. Thank you.

          I have always argued that N2 is the best psychologist (not professionally). “And you know… many people have already told me that” – he confirmed – “It’s a pity, that I can’t fix myself”.

          Yes… N2 also told me, that my best interests lie in his heart, that the most important thing is that I should be happy… He said it almost from the very beginning, very quickly, too quickly – I remember, that I was surprised, but also delighted and I swam in this side.


          I do not want to say goodbye to him… I do not want to leave him… but I am moving away ๐Ÿ™ There is nothing else I can do for him… ๐Ÿ™ My memory of him will last until the end of my days. And I will certainly cry… I will despair internally, when he dies. He has become a part of me.


          PS I also hate shopping. Fast and efficient – this is the main rule. But I prefer to choose, what I buy myself, then I am sure of the quality. I stopped shopping online many years ago.

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