Try Walking in My Shoes Too

I am sat in a meeting and I am having to endure a colleague droning on about his ideas for increasing market share. He is stood at the front of the room holding everybody’s attention. I am not enjoying this. I feel unsettled and slightly queasy knowing that people are listening to what he has to say and not paying me any heed. I can hear the whispers from my personal tormentor as she reminds me of how nobody is looking to me. I fight the urge to hurl a laptop though the plate-glass screen behind me in order to create some drama, but it is hard. If the Chief Executive was not sat two seats away to my left I may well have done it. With him there however I need to focus on my A game. I write that my colleague has everyone’s attention. That is not true. Well, almost everybody’s attention. He does not have my full attention. Fortunately for me, I am able to triple track and I am listening to his dull diatribe, whilst I formulate my questions for him and I am always casting occasional glances at the recently promoted Lucy who is sat directly across the boardroom table from me. I have spoken to her a few times but her recent elevation makes her of greater interest to me. Her recent success has grabbed my attention. I like to be surrounded by the successful, just so long as they are not more successful than me. Very few are, I always identify some of their faults and weaknesses, it is a skill I possess. I glance down and tap in a text message to Lucy.

“I like your blouse, is it T M Lewin?” and send it to her. I see her move slightly as her ‘phone vibrates in her pocket and her eyes catches mine (again). I cock my head indicating for her to check her pocket. She gives me a slightly quizzical look but the smile is there and her arm moves indicating that she has reached for her mobile. She looks down and I wait, feeling  slight surge inside of me as I wonder what she will write in reply.Notice how I know that she will reply. That is not in question. I see her head remain looking downwards and after a few seconds my phone vibrates in my hand as she replies.

“Yes it is, thanks for noticing. Great tie by the way x”

She is right about the tie and I notice the kiss. The door is open. I feel the satisfying surge of power at having acquired her attention and simultaneously revel in the fact that now two of us are not paying full attention to Monroe as he stands pontificating and spouting his corporate claptrap. The moron. The texts ping back and forth between Lucy and I as we exchange mutual compliments and my charm begins to have its effect on her. The whispering ghost has not been silenced as she continues to mutter in my ear, trying to point out that more people are listening to Monroe than are paying attention to me and that is because I am insignificant and uninteresting. I have this battle on a daily basis. The never-ending tug of war between my own personal tormentors who seek to paralyse me with fear and self-loathing and my need to keep them at bay as I drink deep from the fuel that I find around me. I look up and see that Lucy, beautiful, sensual Lucy is texting again but what is that over her shoulder? There in the window that overlooks the city beyond I see a reflection. It is a thin-faced, leering and insipid looking thing. The creature is back trying to unsettle me and unnerve me, His wan smile plays about those thin lips and he begins mouthing something at me. I do not try to decipher it as the phone buzzes and I smile at Lucy’s response.

“HG, what is your view on that point?” asks Monroe. I can tell from his tone that he is both irritated and sensing the opportunity to point score. He has noticed that Lucy and me have apparently disengaged from his presentation and this has got under his skin. That is good. I can feel the flames rising inside and then they surge higher as faces turn to me. Monroe thinks that he is going to show me up. He thinks I have not been listening. You have under-estimated me again you dough-faced cookie cutter. You are not equipped to deal with the likes of me and whilst I have been texting Lucy I have continued to listen to his words. That is the skill I have and he does not. That is why I am soon to be promoted again, leaving him in my wake. I purposefully do not reply immediately as I finish the text to Lucy and fire it off. I look up and fix my gaze on Monroe, who I notice has unbuttoned his top button behind his tie, not professional or smart Monroe when you are addressing us. I can see from the position of his mouth that he is waiting to add some sardonic comment. He thinks my hesitation in answering is a mark of having caught me out. He is wrong. I am savouring having everyone’s attention on me. He is on the side of my tormentors wanting to do me down. His face seems to shift as it becomes the creature that stalks me, but it is not working. I smile and fire back my carefully constructed point in a succinct sentence. The creature fades leaving the panicked expression of Monroe as the forensic brilliance of my comment hits home.

“An excellent point, ” adds our Chief Executive and I cannot help but smile as the power rages through me. There are murmurs of assent as the lily-livered hangers-on around the table curry favour by supporting the Chief Exec’s appreciation of my point. I do not care for their flip-flopping since it has given me further attention. As Monroe hesitates I throw another verbal grenade at him. Foolishly, he catches it and it explodes in his face as the Chief Exec presses him to respond to my point. I look to Lucy and she is returning my gaze with admiration writ large. My phone buzzes and I look down

Yes drinks at 6pm will be great, I will come to your office first x’

Another surge and the whispering ghost has been silenced. The beast tries over and over again to drag me into the abyss but so long as I draw breath I have the means and the skills to tame it. My destruction of Monroe who has now gone bright red as he stammers an ineffectual response and the knowledge that I will be with Lucy this evening, in a bar of colleagues who will be all congratulating me on my performance today fills me with an amazing sense of strength and power. Perhaps I will win this war with the creature within after all?

22 thoughts on “Try Walking in My Shoes Too

  1. Kasia says:

    I think that it may be tiring when you feel rage, jealousy and envy all the time.

  2. Who Knows says:

    This is the apple of my life, literally! Love it

  3. Castiel says:

    The empathic optimist in me wants to say there is always hope, but I don’t want to invalidate your experience. I was wondering whether your talking with Dr’s O and E…is that to try and find another way to be or to impart knowledge about how it is to live in your shoes?

    1. malignnarc says:

      My talking with them is to provide me with insight, to give me a platform and enable them to understand how a high-functioning individual like me operates. I know there is more to come with the good doctors, but what that is remains to be seen.

  4. Castiel says:

    Hey…It is sad that you feel there is no hope to change. In your blog you sound like you are tormented…This must be a horrible experience. But…your writings help others to understand how to free themselves from a narcissists hook…it’s such a deep hook!

    Do you ever hope to feel differently? To not care if you’re not the best…to be less empty.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Castiel, no I cannot be different, there is no hope for another way. This is the all.

      1. Jaya says:

        Greetings and salutations HG.
        I have been following you for a while now. Your posts and the responses allowed me to understand what I was dealing with, escape the situation and begin the path to healing – thank you sincerely. I’m finding your books very useful aids, I have read those you recommended and am now making my way through the rest. Thank you for making these so accessible, insightful and affordable. (I’ve got a friend buying them now too and she’s told a friend who is doing the same, the ripples spread).
        I have some questions if you have the time to answer them please?
        1. Is this still the way you feel? I know your emotional range is limited to the “dark” emotions and the power you feel from gathering fuel is your “happy”. You function efficiently as you are and have no desire to exchange your power to feel those emotions which you consider to be weaknesses (love, compassion, empathy, joy).
        2. Would you be more motivated to make that exchange if it meant the creature no longer existed? The creature that manifests so grotesquely and frequently is your self loathing? What our kind consider a conscience?
        3. Does the creature make an appearance when you are doing something “weak” (decent)? ie You express “liking” your brother and agreeing to see the good doctors partly to please him. In Cherished and Chastised; Forever Wrong Upon the Throne you write wistfully about someone you care for and miss (sister?). In these ‘soft’ moments, do you notice an absence from that dread beast?
        4. You explain you can’t love as we perceive it to be, do you think the feelings for your brother and sister (or whoever you were missing) are just that? Love, fondness, affection?
        5. The creature fascinates me. Is it easier to keep it contained when you are gathering positive fuel than negative or do your actions have no bearing on its appearance?
        Thank you again for shining a light for us to follow.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Jaya, welcome and I am pleased my work has given you such understanding.

          1. It is.
          2. What would I be exchanging it for?
          3. No it does not. It is kept in place by the maintenance of the construct which is in turn, maintained by fuel.
          4. No, it is the protection of assets for my own personal gain.
          5. Fuel of either kind is required and is effective.

  5. Freedom says:

    I feel so sad that for whatever events have occurred in a narcs life to create the monster within there is no rewind and erase.
    So much hurt and pain for the rest of the narcs life and anyone’s life which happens to cross paths.
    My ex narcs parents said he gets bored very easily, likes to change jobs for a challenge. He got wirse when he partner of 11 yrs left him.They were sad to as they said when he was me its the happiest they’d ever seen him.
    I also remember him making a comment one Christmas when asked had he enjoyed the staff Xmas party saying ‘ it was average, but he felt he didn’t fit in or have anything in common with them. They spent all night talking to John. He’s a good looking bloke but thinks he knows everything! ‘
    Mmmm another missed red flag I fear
    So sad😓

  6. Nikita says:

    Hey HG
    Thanks for the explanation!!! Feel powerful…. Interesting. Its a good sentence.
    I emjoy so much this blog 😃
    Nice weekend

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome, thank you as ever for your input. Enjoy your weekend, I know I am doing so.

  7. Nikita says:

    You have to? Because of fuel? And because you get bored easily? Or to keep the hook??
    I read and read your blogs and books but domt get it some times. Would be so easy to accept love and not hate love. At the end that is what all Narcs look for… Called fuel… Its really love and care…

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Nikita, yes, it is because of the fuel. I do get bored easily, not by everyone, although I seem to tire of them eventually. Some people lose my interest fairly quickly, although that may just be because they are not giving me what I want. I do accept love but I prefer admiration. I accept all the love that you send in my direction as it forms part of the fuel I require. Fuel is not just love and care, it is emotional reaction. Your love and care provides me with positive fuel and your tears, anger, frustration and hurt provide me with negative fuel, but they all make me feel powerful.

  8. Nikita says:

    Yes I really like reading you.
    Om the other side Im sorry there is no hope anymore 😢…..this narc condition hurts so much. The narc itself and the people around.

    1. malignnarc says:

      It does but there is no hope for anything else. we do what we do because we have to.

      1. Web says:

        You are a good writer.
        And this is a great idea by the way , congrats
        My next comment you might not enjoy.
        What a waste to spend your waking hours obsessed in others people’s fleeting attention span.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Web, from your perspective, yes, from ours, no. Thank you for your compliments.

  9. Nikita says:

    Your blog is by far the best blog ever on the subject.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Nikita, thank you for your compliment, that is much appreciated.

  10. Nikita says:

    What would have had to be different in your life so that the creature would have not been created?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hi Nikita, well that is a heart-of-the-matter question if I ever saw one.
      1. He should not have gone.
      2. She should not have left.
      3. They should not have done what they did.
      I will be expanding on these three items over time.
      I am pleased that you wrote “Would have had” rather than “has”. There is no hope that anything can change it now.

      1. Who Knows says:

        I prefer shouldn’t, the other identifies lying. Just something I read once about figuring out how to spot a liar.

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