A Sense of Detachment

The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.

Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.

I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.

“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience alongwith fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.

I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve  a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.

13 thoughts on “A Sense of Detachment

  1. Magda says:

    that is very sad that You cannot experience this. ..but on the other hand You experience it YOUR way…like blind person can’t see but his sense of touch will be overdeveloped. ..You are just different. .. everone is.. but You are the only one of You

  2. Freedom says:

    I take it from what you’re saying about the fuel waning that my discard was probably tantamount to not being in India with him and when I saw a few cracks ( the other sources / possibly sources) and confronting him with if you’ve cheating that’s it. Btw he replied with even if I did they’d soon give me back in a joking manner and then said stop being silly I’m all yours like it that way there’s no one but you for me. I said well I wouldn’t want you back if you cheated. His reply was ‘ really ‘ in a very shocked voice. When he gave me the last silent treatment I messaged saying fine I’m not messaging again now balls in your court I’ve had enough. If or when you decide to contact me I’ll see where we are at. I was under a lot of pressure with my MSc so wasn’t in the mood for games. 2 weeks later no apology just my discard via whatsapp and he was engaged 5 weeks later. I’m under no illusions he’s been carrying on cheating throughout the whole of our relationship.

    I’m planning on downloading a kindle edition of one of your books which do you suggest I start with ?

  3. alexis2015s says:

    That actually made feel a little sympathy for you HG. Only a little bit though, so don’t let it go to your head 😉

    1. malignnarc says:

      Oh go on Alexis, show me some love!

  4. v says:

    Hungry for fuel? But what happens when the fuel has run low? What if you can’t find anything new?

    1. malignnarc says:

      It does not need to be anything new, just as long as it provides fuel. Yes, hungry for fuel. When the fuel runs low bad things happen…..

      1. V says:

        So fuel could simply be your wife or existing partner? What type of bad things happen when your low on fuel? Doesn’t it get tiring having to socialize or mingle to get fuel outside of a partner?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Yes it could be from the existing partner but it always wanes, that is how I am repeatedly let down and thus brings about the need to find fuel elsewhere. Yes, sometimes it is tiring but it is so invigorating tapping into a new source of potent fuel. It makes the hunt worthwhile. What are the bad things? Have you read fuel?

      2. Nikita says:

        What for example?

  5. V says:

    How do experience joy, or do you? Does anything make you happy?

    1. malignnarc says:

      One thing that I have learned V is I experience a different concept of what you regard as happiness. To me it is a feeling of power that uplifts me, with you it is the concept of happiness. I may listen to a record and like it but that is it. You may find it makes you happy. If I made the record and someone says how good it is, I feel uplifted and powerful. If you made the record and someone says how good it is, you feel happy. I did quite a bit of work with Dr E around this.

      1. V says:

        So what then is your prevailing feeling, emotion or thought in day to day life? It seems you would like be empty and depressed mostly?

        1. malignnarc says:

          No, I am not empty and depressed. I do feel empty first thing in the morning until the first dollop of fuel lands. What is my prevailing feeling? I am hungry. Always hungry.

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