Utopia

Utopia. You want it. We give it to you. What you may not realise is that you are the spark of inspiration for this utopia, we are not. We allow you to design this ideal world. Interestingly, your utopias are strikingly similar. It is a place where you are loved, protected and made to feel safe. For some of you it involves the trappings of comfort and prestige. The impressive residence which has been tastefully furnished inside and is laden with the benefit of society’s technological advances. It may manifest as a wardrobe that is bursting with the beautiful and eye-catching. It may hold the sensational from the art world or the most luxurious materials that the world has created over millions of years. In other instances it may be the presentation of a cup of tea on your night stand each morning that forms part of their perfect world.

 Some of you reject the material and prefer to build this utopia on a foundation which you regard as more fulfilling, more deep-seated and nourishing. A land where mutual respect is a given, the simple pleasure of a stunning sunset evoking more delight and satisfaction than anything made by Bvlgari or Bentley. You want to be cherished, desired and listened to. For some it might be the intense passion of athletic love-making before the caress of soft hands lulls you into an all-encompassing slumber. Your utopia is a place where there is no anger, no tears and peace of mind. A place where one hand fits perfectly into another and will never let it go, a hand hold that says that it is okay to be frightened but you need not be because I will always be here. It is the knowledge that if you start to fall you will be caught. The wolf will always be kept from the door and nothing lurks in the darkness.  It is a halcyon world where the scent of dill onion bread, or bacon or pancakes signifies that we are together and you never want that fragrance to ever diffuse. So many of you offer different interpretations of what constitutes your utopia yet so many themes remain the same. Love, happiness, smiles, warmth, contentment, caring, laughter and passion are recurrent.

You build this utopia. The bricks are in the words that you say when you first meet us. Those sentences over dinner become walls that create these magnificent buildings that rise upwards into the azure sky. Those whispered desires the metal girders that criss cross as the monument to our relationship takes form. The desire in your eyes creates the undulating countryside and crafts the clear rivers that run through the beautiful meadows and fields that form in  your utopia. Your touch causes ripples across the landscape, creating and nurturing as the idyll forms. Everything you say and do, every expression and every glance, every thought and act is charged with such massive potential and it is all for the greater good. It is all to build utopia. You provide us with the plans and the materials and we set to, building this perfect world. You direct us and explain what utopia looks like, smells like and feels like. We are beholden to your instruction as we merely reflect what you want. You want to be called sweetheart every time we kiss you on the cheek? We do it. You want to dance through the night to the slowest of ballads? It is done. You want to receive a loving note through your letterbox? Consider it achieved. Each and every constituent part of this utopia is created by you, all we do is take what you want and make it happen. This is what we do. We are the facilitators of your dreams. We pay such close attention to the way you design this world, taking note of what should be excluded, what must be included and ensuring that every detail is executed.

We are so dedicated in our desire to build this perfect world for you that we spend as much time as we can with you, watching and observing, so that even your mannerisms begin to be included in this grand design. We are so skilled that we absorb everything about you, every hope, every desire and every dream and weave them into this utopia so that soon it begins to form and you marvel with an open mouth at how wonderful it is. It as if every breath you exhale creates another segment of this amazing place. Each heart beat thrusts life into it, every step you take transfers energy into this wonderland, your thoughts appear as if they were being written down as we somehow interpret them and cause them to become reality. You are the architect and we are merely the construction workers who endeavour to give you what you want and boy do we deliver. Nobody can create your utopia like us. Nobody has the skill or the dedication to bring this paradise to life. Does it matter that it is a construct, made from thoughts, dreams and wishes? Of course not, it is as real to you as the screen you now stare at and the fluttering sensation in your stomach. You can see it, taste, smell it, hear it and touch it. You are amazed at how perfect it is, it almost seems too incredible but it is not because you inspired it. You provided the drawings and plans and we brought it to life.

This is utopia.

This is all that you have ever wanted.

Now we have built it for you.

Does it matter that it is an illusion?

If so, well, you started it.

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25 thoughts on “Utopia”

    1. Leaving aside whether I would tell them or not, if I did, I suspect many would still want it. It is so very powerful and goes to the core of what people want.

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      1. I don’t care either way silly. I’m not invested. And I didn’t suggest it, you did lol. But I agree with u. A little predictable 🙂

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      2. and that is true. .. I’d still want it…once You taste it You can’t get enough… I’ll sign the contract with You HG. ..

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  1. This is an impressive posting , and of all your posting is the one that has most touched me .. I mean make me think.
    Since I found your blog I was invaded by a certain fear that my utopia world that I have at the moment will break down and appear as it would have never existed, so this posting put me to think a lot.
    31.12.014 I met R in a party and since then we have never lost really contact.. Ive broken up with him several times and implemented NC that never lasts more than 2 weeks.
    What I can say about my relationship with R ( also a master Narc like you HG, totally aware of what he is ( made psychotherapy after his 14 year marriage broke up leaving him on the border of the abyss) but I suppose not as young as you and also in difference to you, realizing that fuel with the years get scarce, even if you are one of the most handsome men, and to your difference, R is even selective to whom gives him fuel, I mean what type of person. Im reading fuel at the moment and I do realize that he also gets fuel where he can (negative and positive) but this superficial fuel does not seem to have the “ beat the beast effects” he is picky with everything in his life and the fuel that really helps him beat the beast comes from certain kind of people as he says. Also with the years he seems only to enjoy positive fuel and I can also say this from another narc who was very close to me ( my dad who is one of the loves of life) who could not stand anymore at a certain age, negative fuel. R nor my dad has never mentioned the word fuel though but I make the connection from my knowledge. I think my dad passed away not knowing he was narc.
    So here it goes the story which seems to be upside down of what you post. I can say the beg Of the relationship with R, was yes this lovebombing as to make me feel admired for what I have achieved and not achieved in life. I never had material lovebombing because I guess I must have disclosed some when in all the hours and hours I spent answering his questions, that I escaped my hometown and my crystal Swarovski palace full of luxury and comfort to a place where I could be myself and I would not have to see with the way my dad treated my mom, which was also a crystal palace but that she had to pay back emotionally. I settled down for being a babysitter during my studies to be able to pay a room and food.. 16 years have gone by.

    So yes I don’t believe that Bentleys, LV, and expensive restaurants bring more happiness than normal, ecological and cooking together at home. The home you describe is something different though LOL. I do like this a lot.
    So his Utopia was my utopia in a way….. I feel he did not construct it for me but we rather found it together.
    His fascination for the sunset and the sunrise is also my fascination for the sunset and the sunrise. We realized this strong connection once after a breakup that we decided to go and sleep on the top of a hill of a 75 meter tour where the winds shook the floor the whole night to be able to see the sunrise better and before everybody else . It was for both a dream experience. Or when we decided to sleep outside in a deserted place of the lake of Zurich to see the sunrise before everybody else and fall asleep to the sounds of nature and crickets. He proposed and followed fascinated. Not because I am a codependant but because for me was a dream come true. He told me no girl ever would do this for me, I would not even dare propose….. and I told him I don’t do it for you I do it for me 
    Same story sexually ( no details :-))

    More advanced in the relationship and after again some other breakups … he has told me Nikita what you see is what you get. You accept me like I am “ Im a mean guy” sometimes when I talk I do give a lot of pain….. to that we listed and learned from a psy speaker on non violent communication … and I see he really makes an effort when he gets his need for conflict or just letting me know all what I have done wrong and not to the standards.
    “I cant love you like you love me but I will try and maybe one day I can who knows” .
    “ spending less time with me can be more convenient for you rather than spending more time with me”.
    “ I have very high standards” “ I am very picky with things in my life”. Please stand up to my standards.
    “ I know I am dominant and I know you will tend to say yes to all I say but please don’t do it, don’t say yes to me just to please me because if you do so one day you will hate me for that” … and he even makes tests to see if I am in the yes mode or not.
    “ Please treat me as an equal I am not superior to you” maybe this one he says because he knows he will always be superior. Im used to the image of a man that can do it all which is above me.
    “ I cant write I love you all the time because I don’t feel this same love that you feel all the time because love with me comes and goes but I know that I do love you” and the love messages do come always preceded by “ in this moment I feel I love you very much”..
    He knows that when he does not answer the phone it drives me crazy so since then none of my calls nor messages go unanswered.
    “ Be independent, Im not here to be your mentor “ I can gladly help you with things you have difficulties with but please dont put me in this role. “
    And to finish this long story before you get bored. Today a whatsapp message had exactly the your words “ thanks for making me feel “ It is a place where you are loved, protected and made to feel safe.” Exactly these 3 words…. funny what you wrote today.
    Maybe this is what you are really looking with fuel ?? closeness, being accepted like you are ? that you don’t have to pretend and build up utopias ?

    So I don’t think in this case to answer your question HG that he has made my utopia but rather that the really knows what his utopia is and he is transparent about it, which I believe have enabled him to try follow this non violent way of speaking, to answer the phone…. And I have never ever in the year we have been together seen the slightest signal of a sadistic inclination….. which I think is the most enabling feature of a NARC. I believe there can be devaluation and sadistic devaluation which makes it much worse and rather unsustainable

    So what do you think then, is he faking my utopia ?

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    1. Hi Nikita, there does seem to be a tendency as age advance that there is a move towards more positive fuel and less negative fuel. I have been engaged in a few discussions privately with some people who have relationships with a narc of advanced years and whilst they adopt certain moves to garner negative fuel they tend to be of a more passive-aggressive nature and overall they opt more for positive fuel. I am some way off that age and therefore the negative variety suits me as I find it more potent. I sense that the advancement of age means less energy and therefore those narcs seek the positive fuel as the negative variety may require more energy and causes more disruption. The aged narc still needs fuel but seemingly is less inclined to create as much chaos, therefore the positive variety is preferred. This appears to be borne out by your comments as well.
      Thank you for sharing your experience which was interesting. I agree that not all narc demonstrate sadistic tendencies. Lesser narcs, as I lable them, need the fuel and will gather it any way they can, though there is a preference for positive fuel. The golden period provides this and then when that wanes, they go and create it with someone else to get more positive fuel. There will be some negative fuel but that is not pursued in the way a greater of malign narc will, since they adopt more sadistic behaviours to harvest fuel. The impression I gain from what you have written is that your narc is trying to demonstrate that he is a certain way and you must accept this. (He has high standards, he cannot love you the way you love him and so on). He is not doing this to be kind to you. He is doing this so you think he is trying to be a better person, that he is taking you into account when he explains these things to you. What he is doing is trying to make you try harder. He is saying to you, “Look, I have these faults, aren’t I good for admitting them, but I am not going to do much about them (he will do some token things to keep you interested) but since I have admitted these aspects to my character I now expect you to accept them and try harder to please me because I have been “honest” with you. Is he faking your utopia? He is going along with it because it serves a purpose for him.

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      1. Thanks for your answer HG. concerning just accepting his honesty its not all the way like that. We find a corrective action for each one of his or my flaws… Exactly I should not accept some of his behaviour like bieng mean, dominant, talking too much, as he does not accept my lack of standards being those exactly : punctuality, forgetfulness and organization …. But as he is close to perfection in this aspects 😟😧😳 then I think this gives him superiority… But even here im being coached in an objective way 😃.
        What do you mean lesser narc? Not so malignant? Im now sure that its a spectrum but i have always wondered if all of you by the fact of being narcs could all be capable of all kinds of damage? I had joined some narc abuse recovery groups in FB where some ladies told horrible stories of extreme cruelty …i left them because the stories did not apply to what I had.. But mevertheless you can destroy a person just by being critical all the time…
        I had two other relationships with NARCS one of them my exhusband… But they did show remorse in some aspects of their attitude… So this part ill really never understand.. I guess this doubt I will always have if all can reach the same scale of cruelty…. I still cant get over the IT girl. 😔😞😨
        On the other side i imagine from your books and your posts that you are either at the end of your 30s or beg. Of 40s.
        R is 53 and Im 42 but I can still hang out and party with the ones who just turned 30 and people would see no difference.👍🏻. I do agree with you that age plays a role in the fuel… Just like it does in every single person in terms of likes and dislikes. For example I would not join a techno party the whole nite like I did in my 20s. I think its the same with fuel but the problem is that the choices of fuel also get scarcer with the age…do this makes fullfillement much more difficult… (My humble opinion). I tell you that every single narc I know has much less sources of fuel than 10 years ago… If not towards ending up alone. I hope its different for you as you seem to be very sure on it.
        Last but not least let me tell you that you are the only person describing narcissistic supply who has been able to explain in real life what this is. It became so crystal clear with your book and the example of your day and my day 😃😃. I look forward for more books.

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      2. Hi Nikita, yes by lesser narc I mean one that is less malign in his or her behaviour. The manner and level of cruelty will vary from person to person, but it will be there in some form. With regard to them showing remorse, they may well have shown it but they will not have meant it. Anything we do in that regard is purely designed to draw more fuel by getting you to stay, engage with us or show sympathy and understanding. Yes, as narcs age the potential available appliances does diminish alongwith the energy available to secure the fuel. Consequently there is a clear tendency to ensure a reliable source of fuel and occasionally to try to obtain it from elsewhere also. Thank you for the compliment about describing narcissistic supply, that is one of the benefits of being able to interact with someone like me.

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  2. If I’d known it was an illusion and not a mutual future and had seen the true person and his goals I’m certain I would have said jog on mate. My ex when trying to hook me kept asking why I would only be friends not have a relationship, my reply was ‘ you all say what we want to hear, give it a few years and you’ll change your mind’, he replied ‘at our ages (at the time late 30’s ) we know what we want done the silly things. I want a serious relationship, I’m not your ex husband. Believe me unless you flaunt other men in my face or cheat I’m going nowhere’
    In hindsight he was saying what he was going to do irony eh.

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  3. If told the truth up front, I would have disappeared and quickly… I may still want it, but only an authentic version … I actually never needed a perfect fairy tale and would have been very happy with a more realistic scenario … The ” want” is very powerful, I agree, but the truth, much more enticing… Real, can be beautiful as well….

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    1. I still struggle comprehending the truth! Reading these blogs, I’m still baffled how it seems so fresh and I’m seeing it for the first time. It is that hard to wrap my brain around a different functioning human who operates this way through their life.

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  4. Can I ask malignarc form my posts would you categorise my ex as a lesser narc?
    As Nikita has written my utopia was the same as my exs hence I thought it was the real deal.
    He is 42 is that still classed as a young narc where do you start classing them as old ?

    Thanks

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    1. Your utopia was never the same as the ex’s. He just makes you think it was. Is he a lesser narc? From what you have posted, most likely. 42 is still within the young spectrum. I regard post 60 as being an old narc.

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  5. Hello HG!! I’ve been following you for awhile now & this is among my very favorites. In an attempted Hoover I decided to address the illusion of my 10 years in utopia. I told my ex N that I wasn’t sure if I should be angry or flattered that he had created someone just for me. His response was- I thought that’s what you wanted me to be, isn’t it? This was the only time he has ever responded in a manner that admits he was anything but genuine. I thanked him graciously for finally being honest to the best of his ability. I told him that i could be nothing but flattered that he loved me so much & I was that important to him that he created the man of my dreams just so he could be with me. Needless to say, I was punished with a lengthy silent treatment.

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  6. Don’t create utopia for me as I won’t do it either… it’s real what is real…x and what isn’t is not.

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