That’s No Moon!

Few people are unfamiliar with the Star Wars franchise. In the first film, A New Hope, Han Solo, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca have emerged from hyperspace in the millennium falcon only to find an imperial tie fighter and an absence of the planet that they had hope to reach. Instead as a perplexed Han Solo tries to figure out what is going on, the tie fighter is seen racing towards a small moon that Luke has identified. As the sphere comes into view, Obi-Wan states with a calm dread,

“That’s no moon.”

Indeed it is not. It is in fact a space station and specifically the machine of mass destruction that is the death star. Once recognition has dawned on the quartet along with the fearful consequence of being near to such a powerful weapon, they try to escape but it is too late. The millennium falcon has been caught in the death star’s tractor beam and they hare slowly dragged towards the waiting death star.

We are that death star. We glide along appearing at first to be something benign or at least neutral, our true purpose masked to those we seek to pull into our sphere of influence. Our tractor beam is powerful, unceasing and almost impossible to resist as it attaches to our victims and with our legendary seductive ability hauls them into our world. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights you are unable to escape as we pull you closer and closer to us. By the time you realise what has happened and that we are indeed ‘no moon’ it is too late, you have been caught and escape is extremely difficult.  Our true purpose is hidden from and if you ever do realise that is a ‘death star’ you are sailing towards you will find it so very difficult to escape the iron hold we have over you.

There are those, through the intervention of others and the application of learned knowledge, who do manage to free themselves from the tractor beam’s hold. It is rarely immediate. The escape that might occur usually only takes place after a long period of time subjected to our burning lasers of hurt and our photon torpedoes of misery. If you manage to escape you know by now that you must stay away and keep away. We will continue to drift along, like that death star cruising through space as we take hold of fresh victims along our route and drag them towards us. Occasionally we will shift our path and make towards you once again. You remain in one place at your peril as we will approach you and once more seek to suck you in with our mighty tractor beam. We may plot a course which takes us to pastures new where we busy ourselves with fresh and shiny new victims who provide us with delicious and exciting fuel. This will occupy us but we will never forget about you. You will similarly never forget about us because of what we have done to you and the way we have conditioned you. This conditioning engenders a sense of curiousity in you. You need to know what we are doing, you want to know who we are interacting with now and thus you decide to fly past our death star, just for a distant view of the edifice that once nearly destroyed you. You feel safe watching from a distance as you fly by but be warned. Fly too close and that tractor beam will take hold of you again. If you give us any opportunity to hoover you back in once again we will seize it. You appear on our sensors and we will increase the power of the tractor beam in a bid to capture you once again. It may have been years since there was any interaction between us but if you fly too close to our death star then you will be sucked back into it and subjected to our machinations once again.

When you first try and escape we apply the tractor beam to keep you where we want you, but if you are determined and manage to depart then we set a course for new horizons and new fuel. We may at a later date decide to alter our trajectory again and move back to your solar system in the hope of grabbing you once more. Should you see us coming you need to jump in your space ship and fly somewhere else quick. If you wish to flirt with danger, feel free to follow us to the new galaxy where we are destroying new planets, but if you come too close, we will detect you and we will apply that tractor beam once again. The passage of time does not matter. It might just be a few months since you made your escape or it could be a decade, either way, if you come close to our sphere of influence our tractor beam will take a hold of you and pull you back towards us. You will always be of interest to us, it may be in a week’s time, a year or ten years but if there is a window of opportunity to take hold of you again we will gladly take it because the fuel to be gained is exquisite.

So, if you manage to escape our grip, fly to the other side of space from us and keep that distance otherwise our tractor beam will draw you in once again. That is the only hope you have to remain free of our grip. Unless of course you somehow manage to fire that photon torpedo down that exhaust chute but we both know you are never going to be able to manage that, right?

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68 thoughts on “That’s No Moon!”

  1. Love your Star Wars analogy HG lol Great advice for those of us that are just beginning to break free of our N’s Some of us already know the benefit of removing ourselves to a different galaxy and staying there. I was married and had children with the first N who captivated me and spent 12 years with before realizing I’d never be free (exception of sharing children with him) until I moved 3000 kms away. Alas, moving away only removed me from his galaxy and brought me into the gravity well of others. Another 12 years have passed and I think I’ve finally acquired enough resources and skills to enhance and improve my N-sheild to it’s maximum and unbreakable strength.

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    1. Hi Sheila, am I right in reading that you escaped one N and was then ensnared by another? Were you aware of N’s at this point or were you seeking to escape an abusive set-up only to blunder into another?

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      1. Young and naive, I was 17 when captured by my first N. I had no idea at the time or even after I finally summoned the courage to leave him and get as far away as possible that he was an N. I just knew that his abuse would never stop unless I put distance between us. It took a few years after the first attempt to leave him to realize I’d never be free if I stayed too close. It’s hindsight now that I realize he was an N. Shell-shock from recent tragedies and job loss is what blinded me to what was happening with the recent relationship. Two months in I woke up and began to see the same patterns. That’s about when I started shutting off my fuel and standing up for myself and my boundaries.

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  2. Great post yes… And perfect for me just perfect. Ill follow every sentence.
    Me too like Sheila have passed from Narc to Narc (married 1 and almost married a second one) to realize this personality disorder only one year ago with the last one I have been. I first found Sam Vaknin whose theory is great but its just that.. Theory. It went into my brain and life with you and the books and the blog. Your blog came from heaven it seems because although he was being very nice to me now after two breakups, I am pretty sure the bad times of before were going to return somewhen.
    We ladies we should get together and make a statue of you 😃
    By the way I think I found your blog on a codependency article… Or reblogged at the elephant journal but funny enough I found it linked to codependency.
    Ross rosemberg has also been a clue to my recovery.

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  3. Malignnarc
    This is off topic but I need to ask. What might happen if I came right out and asked my N if he is an N? Do they all know what they are or are some oblivious to it? Do you think he would be honest with me considering I have in the past accused him of being a narcissist. ( which he ignored) do you think it will anger him? I just want to ask him. I need to know for sure. I’m not even sure why I doubt that he is.

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    1. If you ask him he will deny it even if he some awareness (although many do not) and he will regard this as a criticism which will ignite his fury so expect that he will either walk off, hunker down or most likely lash out at you with some rage. You will not get the confirmation through an admission from him. Your confirmation comes from considering his actions, words and behaviour and then cross-referencing them with publications such as mine and the experiences of those who post her to gain your confirmation. Even though I know what I am, if one of my targets told me I was a narcissist I would go on the attack against them and deny it.

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  4. Careful Nikita, you’re giving HG fuel with the statue comment 😉

    Had to HG, although I know perfectly well you gather fuel from all our comments lol

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  5. You are awesome, not for your evil but for helping us/me understand the mind of an ex-husband who was so cruel to me. I don’t know why (because it’s over) but I have this desire to know and try to understand what made him tick. Would you in the future share your thoughts on ghosting? Me ex-husband ghosted me, after all the abuse and 32 years of marriage. Why? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

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    1. Hi Joicelizsabeth thanks for the compliment. I am well acquainted with your need to understand. That is something I regularly hear because when viewed through your world lens our actions and words make no sense. By having the proponent of this behaviour explain it to you then your understanding increases massively. Nobody likes it because it is uncomfortable reading but it is the only way to truly understand what we are and do. Once you gain understanding, as with anything in life, progress becomes much easier. Yes I can write about ghosting, I have made a note. To answer your question for now though, the answer comes in two parts. One, because he could. Two, for fuel.

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  6. Really we’ll explained thanks HG !!

    it is so spot on its quite scary !!

    I love the way you write, it all makes so much sense.

    I’m interested tho HG, many of the Ns I know love star wars and superheroes etc ? Is there anything in that ?

    Also conspiracy theories, a few have been really into this.

    Id love to know what you think HG, you know everything 😉

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    1. Thanks Alexis. I am a huge fan of Star Wars and I collected all the figures with a religious fervour when I was a child (I still have them actually) although all the vehicles were sold by my mother to prove a point (but that is another story). I am not as partial to superheroes but still enjoy the films. Such fantastic creations are very attractive to us because invariably the characters involved are viewed as flawed but they have some supreme ability which invariably saves the day. They are often complex and misunderstood individuals who have been given both a blessing and a curse and have to use this often against the backdrop of a mistrusting world. Sound familiar to anyone you might know? As for conspiracy theories well we know more than most and of course the elite manipulate the world in order to maintain their supremacy. Who do you think is amongst the elite that carry out such acts inorder to further their own lofty ambitions?

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      1. Who do I think is amongst the elite and carry out such acts ? Bloody all of them !!
        Apart from the odd few. It would likely be easier to answer that question I think.

        I don’t see how anyone with normal feelings and emotions could be in such a powerful position. Craving such power and seeing off anyone who gets in their way ?

        What do you think HG ?

        Thanks for your response re starwars, superheroes and conspiracy. I’ve googled everywhere to link that to Ns but was unable to find anything of any interest.

        So you’ve answered it all for me!!

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      2. It is our kind, equipped in the way we are that get to the top. You are correct that someone with normal feelings and emotions is unlikely to get to the top.

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  7. Totally off topic HG, but is it more common in N’s lives that there has been trauma with their mothers in their adolescent lives as opposed to with their fathers? Curious, most of the N’s I’ve known have had issues with their mothers.

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    1. I don’t have an empirical evidence in support of that proposition, only anecdotal based on my own experience and that which I have come across. My view is that traditionally it is the mother who is expected to provide the nurturing and caring role (or perhaps more compared to fathers who engage in such a role more readily than in the past) and therefore that seems to generate a reaction in male offspring more than female offspring. Whilst we know there are female narcissists, my own view is that those females subjected to the influence that creates narcissists are more likely to become co-dependents than narcissists, although some of course do become narcissists. Read Chained for more on that. There is evidently something about the mother- son dynamic which has a greater propensity to create the narcissist. I think it arises from the caring role ascribed to the mother (which is then too great or too little) and the expectation placed on the son to achieve (which even with today’s equality I think the expectation is greater of boys than girls). I daresay an academic has looked into this further somewhere.

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      1. Thank you for your insight HG. In my own experience it holds up as very true. The dynamics of my family in that my stepfather was most definitely an N, my mother a co-dependent, I think it was quite natural for me to be drawn into the same type of relationship.

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      2. Same for me but I had no stepfather. But my father was a very good father but a bad husband to my mother.
        Ross rossemberg explains this pretty well in one of his videos and names some kind of abuse that you are surprised to realize this is abuse.
        Something that touched me alot was that he says a father working the whole day which you barely see and is emotionally absent from tiredness is abuse.. So I had this abuse my whole life as my father was the director of a bank. In exchange I got to have a nanny, expensive toys and vacations every year in Florida and disneyworld… So this abuse and many others ( Also I had to deliver very high standards in many aspects) that you would not see as abusive rendered me as a codependant… Well I can say a codependant in recovery, 😃😃thanks to R. Rossemberg. HGs book Chained gave me good insights of what role we play in the Narcs life… And the story of Rachel and her recovery is inspiring.

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  8. With regards to the CD do you think these women (as you say they usually are). Have the capability to switch between the two ?

    I know of two such females who were both always very dominant in their relationships and always selected more docile male partners. Until the day they got selected by a bigger make N.

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    1. I would be surprised if a CD picked a docile partner because the docile partner is less likely to make decisions for them, assume responsibility for their choices and so on. A CD will couple with a narc and will usually only move (unless there is professional help) is a greater narc comes along and ensnares them. In your example are the docile male partners also narcs? I would find that unlikely. It may be the case that the women are dominant with a non-narc and are then subjugated by the narc. Subjugation is key to our machinations.

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      1. Yes that makes sense HG.

        So both these women have narc like tendencies themselves so more than just a bit dominant.

        So maybe then they’re just a lower level narc. The previous long line of different males were ‘weak’. That’s why I was supriaed these women has been ‘taken in’ by a bigger N.

        I know you don’t mix with others of your kind.

        But I see many who do and I wonder how? How do they fuel each other when they’re essentially all playing the same game ?? Are they not then just being filled with an empty fuel ?

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      2. Yes if they have narc tendencies then that would explain the dominance of the weaker males and how they would be subjugated when a true narc came along. I rub shoulders with a number of my kind but only in the sense of ‘this is our club’ and never ever for the purposes of obtaining fuel. I have extracted it from my kind in the past but only did so for the sense of challenge. It is a little like finding someone who is known as an expert seducer and seducing them, just to show you can, because the fuel obtained is nowhere near as decent as that which is obtained from an empath. Thus I fraternise with my kind in order to observe more about behaviours and also to ensure they know who is the daddy of course. I do not use them for fuel and therefore my engagement with them is intermittent and never for a long period of time.
        With regard to the scenario you describe where you see a number of our kind habitually mixing then they will be vying to outdo one another and extract fuel usually by engendering envy and jealousy through bragging contests and put downs. The fuel they will obtain from this will not be satisfying and they will need to drink elsewhere. These gatherings do happen because our kind are invariably successful and therefore we like the company of others who are successful (but not as successful as ourselves of course) and if an empath or two should fly too close then there is the joy of ensnaring that victim to the detriment of other narcs who are trying as well, that affords prestige, but ultimately a gathering of narcs is not something that can persist for too long because they will turn on one another and they will need more potent fuel from elsewhere.

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      3. Sheila 😓 sorry to hear. Yes making a kid the head of a house is very abusive. But I also suffered alot by being put to very high standards even on how I should smile. But do read and watch Ross Rosemberg. This helped me alot. Like HG commented and explains in Chained. Until you recover you are bound to stick to narcs. We dont deserve that. We suffered enough as kids.
        What is this term red-head?? Im not native english speaker 😖😖. Thanks for explaining.

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      4. A red-head is someone who has red (ginger, strawberry blonde, auburn, titian) coloured hair. I see a red haired female and I whisper a prayer to myself, “Let her be an empath.”

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      5. LOL 😂😂😂 HG thanks for the explanation.. I thought it would mean something else related to abuse. Well know you have the red hair.

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  9. Nikita, clearly we (the CD) all suffer from abuse of one sort or another in childhood. I would have to classify mine as being pretty much every sort there is (mental/emotional/physical/sexual) as well as complete neglect and apathy from my mother. She knew what was going on, but chose to ignore it and in fact made me the ‘head of the household’ regarding care of my half siblings, keeping house and taking physical abuse away from her. That was (in her convoluted reasoning) the payment I should make for having her husband take her bastard child into his house. I am of course the proverbial and literal red-headed stepchild 😉

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      1. Your comment about meeting a red head and hoping she’s an empath stuck with me last night. Is that something common with most N’s? I’ve been thinking back over my relationships and yes, there have been more then the two N’s I’ve previously mentioned and it’s a common sentiment among them. Or perhaps just tailored to the fact their current fuel is from me, a redhead and part of the love-bombing in the beginning?

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  10. Thanks for sharing. This post, inclusive of the comments, has triggered me greatly. Far too many home truths and a little too much overall resonation for my liking, with my current frame of mind, particularly at this hour. I am as grateful for the original posts as I am for the many shared questions and comments from your readers. It is sometimes just so hard to live and learn such lessons simultaneously. It is not in my nature to give up; hence my repeated predicament….so it seems is all I had ever known.
    I have tried to write and share on another occasion, but once I started putting pen to paper (so to speak) I ended up writing a short novel. I guessed the exercise helped me to see my story from a third party perspective, and in any case, I no longer felt the need to share, as so much of your books and blog/comments came flooding back to me, as every step of the senseless reality presented itself as I read over my emotional tale.
    I fear I am the worst kind of co dependent…or dare I say, the “greatest” supply of fuel. In any case, thanks for the blog and everyone’s input and insight. I will continue to read and hopefully grow.

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    1. I dont think crystal empath you are worse than me 😓😓… But Im recovering… Lots of hardwork and mainly alone because of work I dont have time to do therapy but with Ross Rosembergs online material and books I did alot to recover from this disorder.
      And the knowledge on Narcistic modus operandi from this blog and HG’s books is truly the key.

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      1. Dear Nikita,
        I hope you find all that you need to heal yourself (you sound like you are well on your way with knowledge in any case) and the horrible things that have been the experience known as your life to date. May you bloom into the whole individual you most prefer to be, free from the absolute need to seek anything outside of yourself.

        I didnt share details about my childhood, but I dare say we each only know the pain we have personally experienced and I believe it cannot be measured as worse, better or the same in truth. We each only know the conditioning/reality we have endured. We only are able to begin to recognize abuse as others that have “healthy boundaries” share their ‘normal’, and if we dare to compare our own life experiences to question why once we understand it as toxic behaviour, we continue to engage or perhaps worse, feel lost without it whenever we do.
        Blessed Be

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      2. Crystalempath
        Thanks for your words. Indeed yes I think I have finally found the entrance to the healing and recovery path but I dont feel as strong as I would like but I know it will come the day I feel completely strong and sure to be where I am.
        When I referred to worse I meant not in terms of abuse but being such an empath with little boundaries, lots of patience and feeling for the others but I am everyday learning how to balance it.
        Lets keep learning here and there until we are at the point where it feels not only ok but good 😃

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      3. Sorry nikita. I was interrupted during my writing a response and it seems to have posted on “a book inside” not sure how this happened. Sorry for any confusion it may have caused. ❤

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  11. Thank you Nikita and I’m sorry for the abuse you suffered in your childhood too.
    As HG explained my hair colouring already (Thanks HG) I’ll explain the reference to ‘red headed step child’.

    The origin of the phrase “red haired step child” dates to the 1830’s & 40’s when Irish emigrants began arriving in America. The newly arrived Irish were somewhere below free blacks on the social scale at the time, and lived in segregated communities. Then, like now, young men were having sexual relations with young women before marriage. Sometimes the men were Irish and the girls were not. This resulted in many out of wedlock children with that red Irish hair. When these young women did finally marry, usually to a young man not of Irish descent, the new husband was not particularly patient or sympathetic to the red haired step child and treated them harshly. The phrase is derogatory although many do not know its origin, it is still considered an insult to knowledgeable people of Irish descent, and should be avoided in polite conversation.

    My origins are actually Irish/Scottish/English: a war within myself so to speak. Thank God I’m Canadian by birth and don’t give a rat’s ass 😉

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      1. Although I can’t claim blood relation to James Wolfe (missing half of my family genealogy) I thank you for the compliment HG

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    1. Thanks for the explanation!!!! I knew it had a meaning 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻. Can it be HG that I understood it better than you?? 😂😂😂 by the way Sheila I love Canada ❤️❤️ And its people. Lived in Montreal back in 1990 where I learned “french”.
      Wish you the best and that you keep learning and that we finally are one day free from abuse and the sad memories and we find true good love 😍

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      1. You’re very welcome Nikita 🙂 I have only been to Montreal a few times and my ‘frenglish’ is horrible, but worked well enough to ask directions when I got lost! lol I wish you the best as well, keep learning and putting into practice the things that work best for you. I’ve learned that my sad memories are just that, memories; they don’t define who I am know. As for love, I poured it into myself and don’t feel the need to find it within someone else. I love me, all of me, light and dark. My search is for someone that can love themselves just the same. If it happens, it happens, if not… c’est la vie, n’est pas?

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      2. “Mais ouie ma chear” 😂. I totally love the French-English I learned. My heart beats faster when I think about it. I watch youtube just to listen to it .
        So Im starting the process you have accomplished and you are so right. It starts with letting the memories be just that memories..
        I lool forward with time for me alone. The challange is that I will do the things I most like to do, snowboard and scubadiving, alone 👍🏻👍🏻 and im looking so much forward. 😃😃. It should be now okay to face life “alone” . Thanks for your words 💝 and yes if it happens it happens. I will more think towards that direction.

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  12. This is a perfect analogy only I like a few others escaped my death star only to be met by a better narc…who is more like Jabba the Hut… yes I am Princess Leia and he has me chained to him…. well ever since I have taken a stand against him. As I have stated quiet a few times on here he knows our days are numbered BUT I have kept peace in order to break free from his chains. He has been ever so sweet but definitely keeping that grip ray on me. Once I am free I can only hope that I will be able to spot a narc from first conversation.

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  13. I just might have to reconsider the statue to HG that Nikita proposed. As much as I thought I knew before, I am definitely still gathering more insight from your openness in your blogs and comments. Knowlegde = power. Thanks HG 🙂

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