Shoot You Down, Bang Bang
A plaintive wail which I often hear is along the lines of,
“Why do you always have to shoot me down? I give you everything you could ever want. Why can’t you just be happy with that?”
As usual you delude yourself with such a statement. You do not give me everything I could ever want. You think that you do, but that is the self-centredness that you often exhibit creeping in once again. You certainly care, I will grant you that, but you make the mistake of assuming what you do is what we want. What we want is fuel. I know what comes next.
“I always told you how much I loved you, I admired and complimented you often and frequently. How much more could I make you feel good about yourself?”
Therein lies the problem. No matter how good your intentions and how frequent your worship of me, my kind and me will always grow tired of it. We have heard your kind words and seen your appreciative gestures too many times and it, well, it just does not do it for us anymore. I am sure that you emotionally in touch people would be the first to complain if a long established partner engages in the same routine in the bedroom. It does not hit the spot anymore does it? Well, it is just the same for us. You may ultimately accept that things cool somewhat in the bedroom and I know from what I have seen and heard that you trade this passion off (although not always, there are some sexual thrill seekers amongst your kind) for other qualities that you find attractive – humour, companionship, security, warmth, good parental skills, intelligence and such like. There is no hope for any such trade with us. We only want one thing from our relationship. Fuel. We do not care (ultimately) how good-looking you are, how much of a whore you are between the sheets, how wonderful a mother you may be, what a raconteur you are or how much you earn. We will never accept those things or anything else as a substitute for fuel. True enough, the more aged of our kind sometimes accept these things when their need for fuel diminishes but that need never goes away. They may decide to accept these attributes alongside largely positive fuel, but they will still need to stir things up from time to time.
That is not going to happen with me. I am at the peak of my powers and therefore my need for fuel remains substantial. There can be no substitute for it at all and nor can there be any co-existence between the provision of fuel and other attributes. It is fuel or nothing. In order to achieve this I have to shoot you down because once that is done you start to flow with the potent negative fuel and my cravings start to be addressed. You can beg and plead with me, you can point out how you will always only ever have eyes for me, you can express your love, desire, adoration and admiration on an hourly basis but there comes a point when it just does not have that sweetness anymore. It is then that I pull the handgun from my jacket, attach the silencer and fire several vitriolic bullets into you. Your pain from these wounding bullets gives me the fuel that I need and therefore your shooting is necessary. Moreover, it is your punishment for letting me down. You really ought to be capable of pleasing me the whole time but so far, all that I have chosen have failed. That is why I now expect you to fail and have that gun to hand at all times.
When I shoot you down, I become more powerful as the fuel flows from you. Moreover, it is easy to get someone to admire and adore. Those reactions come naturally to your kind. It is far harder to extract tears, anger, frustration and regret from the empath. Managing to do so imbues your emotional reaction with greater potency, your fuel becomes supercharged and this is what we want. We cannot shoot you down from the beginning, we need you stood on a pedestal first, after all, you present as such an inviting target then and your toppling as the bullets slam into you becomes all the more satisfying.
I sense your dismay as you read this. You had hoped that by keeping me sweet and onside through a dazzling and tireless display of love, affection and admiration you had hoped to avoid such an attack. Your concerns should not be absolute. There is an upside you know. Firstly, when we find someone else after we have shot you down, keep in mind they will eventually be riddled with bullet holes no matter how happy we both appear at first. It is coming to them as it came to you. I am sure that makes you feel a little better doesn’t it? Secondly, there is a huge saving grace.
We never shoot you dead.
We need you alive so we can raise you up again as we re-load.
26 thoughts on “Shoot You Down, Bang Bang”
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Maybe HG will hate me for this, but because he seems to only write from a lover’s perspective, I want to continually interject the child’s perspective.
It seems to me that HG and the commenters only see abuse towards the lover, but I believe the one that suffers most is the child. The lover at least began with feeling immersed in love. A child of a narc never experiences this. From the womb the child is failing the parent maybe it is by causing morning sickness, weight gain, backache, tiredness, etc. The pregnancy is supposed to just bring the mother attention not sickness or inconvenience. For the male narc, the baby is taking attention away from him as people give gifts to the mom for the baby and dote over her growing stomach and ask how the mom is doing, not him. So by the time the baby is born, the baby isn’t loved. The baby has already let the parent down. The baby is devalued from birth.
The baby only further lets the parent down by expecting its needs met rather than meeting the parent’s needs. It keeps the parent up at night. It cries. It has to have its dirty diaper changed. People look at the baby not the parent. The baby becomes the center of attention and that has to end. The parent will end it ASAP. Some just put the child in daycare or with a baby sitter so they don’t have to deal with all the demands. Some put the child on a strict schedule and ignore cries. The newborn infant is not loved, and the good parent can’t pick up the child without invoking jealousy from the narc so the narc will contrive ways to get the good parent to focus on them.
As the child grows, the child will be trained to worship and serve the narc. Both the narc and good parent do this. The child will do everything in his power to please the narc parent, but it is impossible. The narc parent can never be pleased so the child is continually rejected, devalued and left to feel unloved.
Don’t forget the child!!!!
all of you that read this bullshit are fucking left wing activists that need to be shot. Serious. You all need to get a fucking job, get off the internet and prosper in life. Money is everything and you fucking idiots don’t have any. I know that just by seeing who looks at this shit
I know where I would place a substantial amount of my money on who is the idiot. I will provide a clue. First name Robert. Second name rhymes with ‘dope’.
I need a break from this.
tigertiger, this is amazing, super self-aware, and brave. Thank you for sharing. <3
you are a fucking idiot
I’ve been in a relationship with a couple of narcissists. It’s very interesting reading this blog….thanks to the author for the honesty. Of course, I am an empath, co-dependant…but also I am a narcissist too. In among the latest fuel providing showdown with my dear beloved, we admitted that we both have a love for cruelty. He loved to be cruel, whilst I loved to receive it. The masochist said hit me, and the sadist said no. Do I miss him? No, not really….what used to miss was the need for the fix, the fuel of the drama, the tortuous emotions I thought were love of course, otherwise I’d have left long ago! Do I like him, despite my protestations of love? No, beyond the false charm there’s little to like. I wanted to bend him to my will, he wanted to bend me to his. Of course, I think I’m far more virtuous than he is…I was trying to get him to be a better person of course, to save him. Which really means that I was too weak to save myself…so I blamed him for being how he is and played the victim. Because it’s so unfair that he wouldn’t play my game dammit, and be kind enough to release me from the misery one way or another!
After seeing my own inner narcissist at play, it’s taken a while, but it’s a lot easier. To some it may seem that I’m taking the blame on his behalf (and we all know how they love that game)…but it’s taking responsibility. And taking that responsibility hurt…hurt more than he ever did, even with my ability to self-pity. It was my own inner-narcissist that was drawn to him, masquerading as some noble crusade to improve my self-worth by loving another who could not love themselves, and inflicting pain upon myself. Because I had no love for myself at all….or him really…just my idea of what he could be….with myself as some martyred saint that would prove love would win out, despite the odds! I pitied him, and that isn’t love.
My ability to see this in myself was hidden under great shame. Because to admit it meant that I was the same as him, albeit it with a different method. There was also guilt at admitting that my love wasn’t what I thought….I held that love up like a bloody altar to worship, that demanded sacrifice to be worthy of it. To feel means to feel shame….and it is not pleasant at all. I don’t know what the author would say about this, but I would suggest that all narcissists can feel, they just prefer not to because they lack the courage. When something is controlling us, that is a very frightening place. We can either admit that we are being puppeteered by something dark in our psyche, or we can go along with it and convince ourselves that it is us..rather than attempt to conquer it. It often seems that narcissists have fallen into the trap of their own lies…their most secret, hidden shame isn’t that they won’t change…it’s that they can’t. To admit that makes them prey too.
My narcissist lover has buggered off for now…not sure he’ll be back this time. I’m okay with that. The game no longer works the same. The part of me that needed the fix doesn’t rule the show….and therefore I no longer supply his needs….and he doesn’t supply mine, because they’re different now. I love him in truth nowadays, but won’t lie to myself. With who we are our knowing each other is based on something that satisfies on one level, but robs my ability to generate my own energy…that of joy within. Which is like a sumptuous banquet compared to that second-hand toxic fuel.
So yeah, turned out that we were no better or worse than each other. Neither of us were good or all bad. He taught me things about myself no-one else could have….I’ll always be thankful for that.
I couldnt have written this better myself.. Thank you for your words.. I have been searching for this.. My journey exactly..
I did notice some bullets coming… But less and less but true as soon as I deviated my attentiom somewhere else or was late? Or forgot something…. Then it came…less and less… Anyway hopefully its soon past and just in my memories.
Thanks to you. Its very funny. You have helped so many people with your book and blog its like the other side of the moon. One of your sides its pretty dark but at the other end it shines for all of us. You can be proud of yourself. Really proud. For something good.
Your moon comparison is rather apt and after all I do like to try and keep the dark side of the moon hidden from view.
I am a pink floyd fan and all together thinking about you as the dark side of the moon inspired me on this because for me you are the very bright side of it.
Ah good old Dave Gilmour
Hiya HG and happy new year
You keep saying your kind returns but I beg to differ as X cannot in my case as he withheld sex from me for 5 years while getting his everywhere. His new ns (not so new affair of 18 months) lives around the corner. A year before my discard I caught him getting a bj outside her house (stupid me I forgave him as he said it was one off ) then a few months after I surprised in the pub he was sitting with her (I didn’t recognise her ) he knows a lot of women as he works in a school. He had the mistress and I sharing a bottle of wine while us 3 talked for an hour. How could he Hoover after that ? Also do you think that she living so close was a thrill for him ?
I am a digger for information and before my discard I knew nothing. I uncovered some of what he got up to. To my horror there was loads of stuff. The dating sites, the porn the other women and he knows I know. He hates me because of all the women I uncovered the most. I know what he’s about. So there I think I’m free of him even though the smearing and lying about me is out there
As for me it’s been hard but with reading ( your books are very good) and accepting my role in this situation. Learning about boundaries and red flags I feel that not only will I heal. I have acquired enough knowledge that if presented to me again. I’ll run like the wind 👌🏾😊
Hi Tonia, thanks for your post. The fuel your N obtained when he shared a bottle of wine with you and the mistress will have been significant. Her living so close will have provided him with a thrill indeed, the thrill of having a potent appliance supplying fuel so close to where he was getting fuel from you. You seem to suggest that you are shut of him because you have uncovered all his infidelities and secrets. He will hate you for disrupting those sources of fuel as opposed to the fact that you uncovered them. Your reaction (if emotional) on discovering all of this will have given him further fuel. Just because he might be getting serviced sexually by someone else does not mean he will not return to you – see ‘That’s No Moon’ posted today for why that will be the case.
Malignnarc, I think I have a bullet proof vest now, it is called No Contact! 🙂 I wish I could see the look on his face when he tries to reach out in future with flattery, or with bullets of evil, and gets no response. Bullets fall to the ground. Maybe he must go take a class for you, re-training his skills, cause he loses one woman after the other…
On a again fabulous writing and great metaphors. I’d like to ask you HG, if you could give us an example of positive fuel? Meaning, what does that look like to you? Could you paint us a picture of that in motion?
I’m clear on the negative image.
Admiration.
“Why do you want to keep standing up just so I can knock you back down?” That was a line from Loser. Ha.
I got the last laugh when I wrote letters to all of his friends and co-workers and told them exactly what he was and what he had done. It was the only thing I did that ever made an impression on him…and IT REALLY MADE AN IMPRESSION ON HIM. He was embarrassed and absolutely stupefied that little me had pulled that one off.
Fighting talk there laurel. If you had sent letters to my friends and colleagues they would returned them to sender since they would all regard you as the unhinged one. I am putting your narc down for some re-training for two courses. The Art of the Smear Campaign and Organising Your Coterie and Lieutenants. He is letting the side down !
Ah, but all of his friends and co-workers hate/hated him. They were just afraid of him. I’m beginning to think he’s not a narcissist at all….just has a “God” complex.
Oh there will always be a few jealous, misguided individuals who do not like us, but that is their problem.
He was one of the most hated newspaper people who ever darkened the doorway.
Answer this…does he really sound like a narcissist to you? I’m not thinking so.
Hiya HG and happy new year
You keep saying that your kind will return and I have to disagree on that front as X will never return as he punished me by withholding sex for 5 years. I found out he’d been having sex all over the place. That’s pretty done dusted as he discarded me for woman around the corner.
Do you think that he was getting off on the fact she lived so near could that been an attraction? Plus the split with woman before me ( yes I was OW for 2 months so karma struck) was relatively clean. With me though it was messy and he did not come out in clean at all. He’s busy smearing and lying. He positively hates me you can see it So no I’m lucky I will never experience an Hoover. Btw keep up the work. I’m glad to say with lots of reading about narcissism plus working on myself I’m healing well. You’ve had a part to play in that so thank you. ( is this fuel?😀 being cheeky
Tonia
Ah ha! That is exactly what my narc must be holding on to… too lazy to find a new female fuel source or I give him exactly what he requires… must be really hard to hold back the fury when you are trying to hold on to your empath. I’ve been shot down so many times and the first time I said no more was the first time I’ve ever seen him so frustrated, like a balloon he fills with air more and more….eventually he will pop and it will be our end. I must say, I enjoy watching him expand with frustration, after all I’ve had to hold everything in all these years. It’s bittersweet!
“I sense your dismay as you read this.”
You are right about that! This is evil.
Thank you TW, I tell it as it is.