You Said We’d Always Be Together

You told me that we would always be together.Do you remember that? I certainly do. We did so much together didn’t we? I would call on you or you would call on me and just the two of us would fill our days together. Nothing concerned us. We had one another. We liked the same things and the same things made us laugh. We used to laugh a lot didn’t we? Great big laughs which shook our bodies and made it hard to breathe. We would set one another off and the more you laughed the more you made me laugh and vice versa. We would collapse to the ground pointing and laughing as the tears rolled down our faces. People used to look at us and wonder what has got into those two again? We found humour in so many things and whatever one pointed out the other understood straight away. We worked together too we were a true team. Each knew what the other wanted and we never argued about it. You had your role and I had mine and together we got along just fine. I did not want anyone else apart from you. I did not need anyone other than you. Every day I would wonder what it would have in store for us as we explored and investigated the world together. There was never any disagreement about what we wanted to do. I made a suggestion and you agreed with it. You came up with an idea and I liked it.

The summer was the best time. Those long days. We would be up and away as the first rind of dawn broke on the horizon as the world was not even waking up. How we enjoyed the silence as we made our way to seek out the day’s adventure. We would explore and find something new even if we had been down that path on a previous occasion. Sometimes there would be a scrape and we would have that moment of panic, that sudden uncertainty until we helped one another and then we would halt, free of the danger and stand panting until the laughter took us.

“You should have seen your face,” you would laugh.

“You should have seen yours,” I would respond.

We would break into paroxysms of laughter once again but this time there would be nobody to hear us. Many times we would follow the old rutted and meandering path into the forest to spend time at that lake. The water cool and inviting, an ideal antidote to the heat of the day. The clearing would echo to our shouts as we embarked on some new escapade but there was only ever us there. Nobody knew about this place or if they did, they never chose to visit it. It was a secret place. It was our secret place. Although we loved it most during the summer for it offered so many possibilities for excitement, we did not abandon our haven in the other seasons. Autumn would see us attend there amidst the blustery wind and the swirling leaves to collect and forage. Winter would be a spectacular vision of sparkling whites. The lake frozen and unyielding, a beautiful yet deadly spectacle out before us. Spring brought the smell of life and rejuvenation as the pouring rain woke the forest once again. We loved it all but best of all we loved it together.

We were inseparable and even though the march of time had cast others asunder it had not even shown the first inkling of doing the same to us. We had something different, something that was forever, something real. It was something forged from such similarity that we really were two halves of the same thing. We often looked at one another stood beside that silent pool, the birds silent, too tired from the heat to fly or sing. We stared at our reflections in the tranquil water and without speaking recognised our similarities. It might not have ever come to happen. I sometimes made reference to this serendipity that we had enjoyed but you preferred not to talk about it. I did not mind. It was admittedly easier that way. Sometimes as we crouched beneath the shielding canopy of a tree as the rain lashed down around us, the drumming noise so great that it filled our ears with sound, I would ask if this would always be the way it would be. Without fail you always reassured me.

“We will always be together, I promise.”

You would tell me and I knew you meant it. I knew you stood by your promises.

I know you did not choose to break that promise. Somebody else did. They broke it and then you were gone. It was not the only thing that broke that day.

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54 thoughts on “You Said We’d Always Be Together”

      1. I know he wouldn’t (and couldn’t) feel sorry for any of us, but I can’t help but feel the pain, real pain behind this post.

        Life for HG might have been completely different had things gone differently at this point in his life. Broken promise (unintentional as it was) = broken heart 🙁

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  1. HG, I have power read 4 of your books via Amazon over the weekend. This post does hit close to home for me…..
    My ex (I’m almost 100% sure he is a narc, I had no idea until the recent discard….cruel).
    We were a great couple for the first 4 months. He lost his professional job (he has lost a few because of his temper), although he has savings and rental homes…this really stressed him out and he took out his stress on me. The seduction stage was beautiful…and he professed his love within the second month. He talked up a future, marriage, a family…only to devalue me in the 4 month and discard me at 6 months over a spat about going to the movies ( I wanted to go–he didn’t). He then started a 2 day silent treatment(first time to me–but he does that to his family all of the time)…broke up with me via text and then gave me a 6 week silent treatment?!!!!
    When we finally did talk he said the stress of going back to school after his job loss was so stressful he couldn’t handle a real relationship right now….I felt if he really loved me we’d work through it…so I gave him his space and 10 days later he pulled that “spinning game”….that really upset me…..he only wanted to be sure I was still taking his calls.
    He told me he never called and his phone was acting up?! I kept my distance and my father died a month later. He was kind and helpful to my family and me. Although, when I suggested we meet for coffee as friends he refused to answer my texts again?! I decided we probably couldn’t be “just friends”, and I sent him an email asking what his opinion was about friendship…was it too soon….should we try in a year? He never answered. I decided to stop contact….but my stepmom died (from a broken heart over my father) 6 weeks later. I called to give him funeral details. He was nice and sweet….and then flipped out and started ignoring me again?!!!! He refused ANY CONTACT! Was he mad because I stopped contacting him before that? I don’t know?
    We met on a popular dating site. My profile was hidden since our breakup…but I still got “new member” emails from that dating site. He was back on it at that time. That was 3 months ago. He knew I would get that email?! I decided to start dating again after that…..he has been active for 3 months and he logs on everyday….I think now he does it just to hurt me….if he wanted a steady he could find one in 2 months!!
    Why is he being so cruel when I was an awesome girlfriend to him?! He told me he’d NEVER LEAVE…because I had everything he wanted in a woman. Buxom, beautiful, brainy, and a great personality! I’m not bragging…but I’m head and shoulders above the competition on that dating site. I’ve been on a date every night since I joined back…and I can move on…but I just seem to be stuck and confused about what happened between me and the narc….it makes NO SENSE!
    I emailed him and asked him never to contact me again! I did nothing wrong…so I won’t apologize. He owes me an apology!
    HG, is he a narc?

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    1. Hi T, thanks for reading some of my books, which ones have you read? Yes he is a narc. You are no doubt a catch in terms of looks, personality etc but that does not matter to him. What matters to him is your capacity to respond in an emotional fashion to his manipulations and give him fuel. That is all he cares about. If you have not read Fuel yet, make it a priority and then work your way through the rest as they will help you understand why he does as he does. Of course it makes no sense to you, because you are looking at it through your reality. View it through ours and it makes perfect sense. You need to adopt our viewpoint in order to understand and reading is the key to doing so. He will contact you again if the chance arises in order to obtain more fuel. Don’t hold your breath for an apology either!

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      1. Thanks so much for responding so soon, HG! The first book I read was Escape–after reading that all of the pieces to this puzzle came together! Brilliantly written! Manipulated was second…great tips on how to recognize the red flags! Confessions was third! I was gripped from start to finish! You are very introspective….my narc NEVER looked inside of himself….(I blamed it on him being a scientist). Evil, Fuel, and Fury are in my library and I will devour them all this week!

        My ex narc was just awful to his family…rages, silent treatments, mind games….(not that I met any of them…he was big on compartmentalization..he always had excuses…but he always told me what was going on with them. His last relationship ended 3 years before me because he put in 16 hour days at work…7 days a week! (He just had brief affairs in the interim…I think he got most of his fuel from being a star at the office…and abusing his family)

        I gave him lots of fuel after the break up/silent treatment…..but once I had him on the phone and got answers…I respected his decision…and gave him space. I think he is upset that I’m not begging him back..

        He has lost 2 great women because of his childish behavior….that’s still not enough reason for him to stop all of these games….

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      2. Hi glad you are finding the books interesting, do keep reading! Thanks for sharing your experiences too. You are absolutely right; it is still not enough for the games to be stopped. They never stop.

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      3. Hi HG! I just finished FUEL! Fuel was brilliant…I think I get it now…I would have NEVER guessed FIP’s had any value in the eyes of your kind…after all we were devalued and discarded?! Now my ex narcs behavior is beginning to make sense to me…somewhat…
        I had went no contact with him a month before notifying about my stepmothers death. I gave him an opportunity for friendship in the near future….but he just ignored me….I figured he had moved on….but I had to call him (and other friends) about the funeral arrangements…. He gave his sympathies and then started the silent treatment again within minutes?! Was he punishing me for going no contact the month before? He couldn’t understand after losing both my father and my stepmom in 6 WEEKS that I needed him (and others)….but he refused to stop his games after my dad’s funeral…so I took a step back and left the ball in his court. He never called me…..so I figured he really didn’t want me around anymore….but when I suffered another loss 6 weeks later…he took that time to punish me because I had not contacted him. Like he didn’t realize the phone works both ways….and I would have talked to him had he called me (I didn’t know he was a narc then).
        Do you think he will hoover? I have got calls from blocked and spoofed numbers that I refuse to answer….I think it’s him. I’m not sure why he’s angry at me. He wanted out…I didn’t fight it–I agreed with him. He’s back online dating….why is he holding a grudge against me? I was nothing but an awesome girlfriend to him….and we were a beautiful couple….(?!)

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      4. Glad you found it useful T. Yes he will hoover. He is punishing you for not fighting to keep him (and in turn provide the fuel he demands) . He will be angry because you have been focussed on your grief (how dare you?!) rather than him and thus he will lash out. The small matter of two people dying means nothing to him when it comes to his demand for your attention and fuel. It matters not how awesome you were, it is all about the fuel.

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    1. I think not a twin, but his disabled brother- I think he was always the protector of HG, and some sort of accident happened…. The place by the lake is the family country house he writes about several times

      I almost erased this post , it doesn’t feel right analyzing this one

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  2. The whole time I’m reading it- it seemed like it was referring to your Dad or Mom. The similarity in the reflection in the water…. And just the general feeling that you were cleaved to this person. Then my thought changed to a younger person- since your Summer’s had longer days. But I’m having trouble “reading deep” into the two breaks. Especially with reference to your brother in the post regarding Lesley.

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  3. This entry is very powerful indeed, I read it as a tribute. It is incredibly poetic in writing style and obviously a lot of thought was put into the expression of words. At the risk of being lambasted, I found the highly visual and descriptive nature of the words quite lovely. I appreciate all things poetic.
    It reads to me as almost a memorial, not to say such depth of emotion cannot be faked, as obviously it can, but there in lies something real within these words.
    Isn’t strange, how words, especially Those of another can take us back into our past, distant or near.
    I can only suppose who those words were written for will remain unnamed. But, I dare say, In What I read, there was most definitely some form of emotion or love involved, regardless of fuel obtained.

    It struck a huge cord within me and I immediately recalled this poem.

    I chanced upon the castle at the earliest light of Dawn,

    the air charged full of hope and ice;

    through scattered leaves its image was born

    A golden turreted phantom, spectacular and high.

    The walls were worn but blessed by sun

    I trembled awestruck by the sight.

    This is where I saw you first, gazing from the stony towers

    our search began for everything

    oceans, fields and tiny flowers, decades, days and long lost hours.

    Then came the winter days, and sleeping summer forests wake

    hands entwined we ventured in

    Ice melting across the frozen lake.

    We lost ourselves in that great wood, yet stumbled out to greet the spring

    the sun upon the daffodils,

    small birds upon their graceful wing.

    Brighter still the morning sun each passing day ignites our hearts

    the song of summer sings and is sung

    everything we share is one, the lambs, the fields, the horses’ cart.

    The hope, the journey and the end are all complete within each new start.

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      1. I apologize for all three comments that posted, I didn’t realize the other two went through as they showed they had not at the time. Then viola, magic. I requested the other two be removed for sake of redundancy.

        Thank you for reply and comment on the poem. I included the poem as your words made me remember it, I will add it is a most pleasant memory you created. If the time you wrote of above is a time of sadness for you, I read it differently. I felt immense and deep emotions mean emanating from your words.
        Not that I would ever forget the first poem he wrote me over three years ago. He wrote this poem weeks after he told me he loved me and in what I know now from your writings to be the love bombing phase. My question is why did he continue to write me poetry continuously, long after my status of fuel changed for him. He has many poems I have written him as well. He said I am his muse and to be honest I have written more poetry with him then I had in years prior to knowing and loving him.

        I have bought six of your books and have recommended them to others, as they have been so helpful to me in understanding him. Perhaps, Giving me the needed closure he will most likely never give me.
        As you know, empaths need to know why, the reasons and the causes.
        As well this blog where you answer questions to ease the hurt and harm, even if mandated for you, is a tremendous blessing to myself and others.

        I know the ideal is to escape the narcissist, to move on and forget they exist. That their behaviour will never change for the better or back to the golden time.
        But, I question this, even In The words you stated. You felt let down, perhaps betrayed by others and hence you then devalued their fuel and replaced them.
        What if you were never really let down fully, perhaps only disappointed that expectations didn’t match the reality. That you wrongly perceived being let down because your expectations for love, admiration and continuity were unrealistic. Yes, we deserve what we feel we need to maintain happiness, lifestyle, love et cetera. Can you explain how others have let you down, if possible. I ask because I think this is the key to the dynamic I seek.
        I wonder if he devalued me based on Feeling disappointed. Such as he felt I didn’t miss him as much as time went on when we returned from ignoring me, that I didn’t try to contact him enough. When I did always , then stopped as it was verging on obsessive. I stopped not because I didn’t miss him or love him, but because I felt silly or embarrassed to keep trying in vain. His perception versus the reality. That he only saw what he wanted and had blinders on to all else, the reality, I did miss him, do love him, always support him, praise him for incredible work ethic. Maybe he felt I would leave him, even though I assured him I would not abandon him, maybe part of him hoped when gone so long I would just leave him and another part hoped I wouldn’t and that conflict of thinking tormented him. So if happy I was still here, another part was angry I wasn’t gone. The jealousy, which never uspet me, I found it reassuring. The fact I nevr negatively reacted to his rages or name calling and continued to allow him To express himself , reassuring he was loved.
        Maybe he just wanted me to call him A worthless piece of shit and be angry at him for ignoring me, lying, et cetera maybe the fact I nevr did, incensed him. It is funny, he has nevr angered me, I would have happily called him down if he needed that, I just nevr felt it, but I could fake it if required. Passion comes in all forms.
        In these thoughts, can you see any familiarities for yourself, to ascertain his reasoning. He told me, I have lasted longer then any of the others, he has only ever said twice he didn’t love me, wished he never met me, when in rages and always retracts such words after. In our last time communicating months ago, he still maintained he loved me, only me.
        Then. Disappeared yet again with no word or communication, complete radio silence.
        I think as much as he doesn’t want to be abandoned, he also expects to be abandoned, that it is inevitable and thusly, there is no way to win In Such a situation. Even when I do not abandon him, he will create a scenario to disprove my love and loyalty. Other then refuse to play by his same rules. I prefer to maintain my position despite his behaviour. Sure I could give up. But I would rather understand then give up. I do not see my entire time with him as negative, instead I see that he is compelled to be this way, that in essence it isn’t personal. Unless I chose to make it so. He is not a bad person, he is just different to me In the way he reacts and perceives things. As I am different from Someone else.
        Thank you for reading and any thoughts would be appreciated.

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  4. HG that was beautiful! You do know what it feels like to be hurt! But yet you still choose to hurt others? Why? Because you feel if you hurt them first they won’t hurt you? Or maybe it’s your safety to never love you can’t be hurt or let down!! No more broken promises?

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      1. It saddens me to hear this truth. I know others that have shown they have felt this. I have felt it to be true within them. Once your kind is “let down” nothing can ever truly be the same. It seems when your kind hurts; others must hurt endlessly. My heart bleeds for the senseless pain that runs so much deeper than the perceived “let down”. It seems a snowball effect, leaving your kind with lots of damaged others surrounding you to play with. I guess it distracts you from feeling your pain and protects yourself from others getting “too close”.

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      2. If they never cheat on you or lie to you and are always there for you then how are they the ones letting you down ?

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      3. They let us down because this is a necessary act of blame-shifting which we engage in to preserve our own sense of superiority. We cannot admit that any failing is down to us. Also keep in mind that so much of this is about perspectives. You may well think that you have not done anything wrong, but from our perspective you will have done. add the blame-shifting as well and you can see why it ends up where it does.

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      4. So in a way you know that it is not really their fault . You automatically go into defense mode and deliberately hurt others without Rhyme or reason . Do you think you feel like you have to hurt them before they hurt you ? Like you have to beat them to it .

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      5. The Lesser and the Mid-Range always regard it as your fault because of their perspective and lack of awareness. I understand how it could be regarded as not your fault when looked at from your perspective, because I have a greater level of awareness, but I know that accepting that it is not your fault is hazardous and will lead to a loss of control, which will lead to a loss of fuel, therefore it serves me well not to admit fault. Sometimes it is done to draw fuel, sometimes it is done to defend us from your challenges, it depends on the situation.

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  5. This is my charm time, hence tried to comment unsuccessfully twice before.
    I have read other blog entries, but when I read this entry it struck a huge cord in me. Call it the poetic nature of your wording, the theme, the thoughts I had whilst reading.
    I think this blog entry is a tribute, written in the other persons voice, but translated and scripted by you. It is steeped in emotion, or I am bias and merely reading it as such.
    I am sure to be lambasted in This statement , but I found the way it was written most lovely. Rather contradictory in nature. I would fathom it was written from the prescriptive of something other then merely fuel.

    It reminded me so much of my poem, that these words skipped through my thoughts immediately. Then I wondered, what was the basis, if emotional, of your words, if mine were based in love.
    Words are power- ful.

    I chanced upon the castle at the earliest light of Dawn,

    the air charged full of hope and ice;

    through scattered leaves its image was born

    A golden turreted phantom, spectacular and high.

    The walls were worn but blessed by sun

    I trembled awestruck by the sight.

    This is where I saw you first, gazing from the stony towers

    our search began for everything

    oceans, fields and tiny flowers, decades, days and long lost hours.

    Then came the winter days, and sleeping summer forests wake

    hands entwined we ventured in

    Ice melting across the frozen lake.

    We lost ourselves in that great wood, yet stumbled out to greet the spring

    the sun upon the daffodils,

    small birds upon their graceful wing.

    Brighter still the morning sun each passing day ignites our hearts

    the song of summer sings and is sung

    everything we share is one, the lambs, the fields, the horses’ cart.

    The hope, the journey and the end are all complete within each new start.

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  6. Like a merry go round. One more try. For some reason I am having a devil of a time posting.
    I am persistent though.
    This entry connected with me, on several levels, the nature of the entry, the poetic way it was worded and the ambiguous meaning behind the words.
    Upon reading It made me recall words from One of my poems and therein lies my connection. A poem born of love, a deep, connected emotion. Thusly, it made me wonder where your words were born. They read of tribute to me, as spoken by another and transcribed by you. Of a person, with more meaningful designation then only fuel.
    I doubt you will disclose whom you are referring to, or we may found out soon enough. At the risk of being lambasted, I found this entry quite lovely in The way it was written and the words chosen to convey its meaning.
    Here is my poem,I referred to:

    I chanced upon the castle at the earliest light of Dawn,

    the air charged full of hope and ice;

    through scattered leaves its image was born

    A golden turreted phantom, spectacular and high.

    The walls were worn but blessed by sun

    I trembled awestruck by the sight.

    This is where I saw you first, gazing from the stony towers

    our search began for everything

    oceans, fields and tiny flowers, decades, days and long lost hours.

    Then came the winter days, and sleeping summer forests wake

    hands entwined we ventured in

    Ice melting across the frozen lake.

    We lost ourselves in that great wood, yet stumbled out to greet the spring

    the sun upon the daffodils,

    small birds upon their graceful wing.

    Brighter still the morning sun each passing day ignites our hearts

    the song of summer sings and is sung

    everything we share is one, the lambs, the fields, the horses’ cart.

    The hope, the journey and the end are all complete within each new start.

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  7. Since it was never about the fuel then, could it be your other self? The person that you were before the ‘creature’ made its presence? And also, how old were you when the need for fuel became all consuming? Or when you realized that is what keeps ‘it’ contained?

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    1. I had an awareness of the power I felt from (what I later learned was the fuel) around university. It was around this time that I also recognised that this power kept it under control although it has not been until much later in my life that I have realised why.

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      1. So, in a sense, the only way to keep it under control is to be more or less out of control (towards others)…? This insatiable need for fuel sends two distinct messages out. One, that you believe this fuel makes you more powerful. And two, all the while being power-less to it.
        You do realize you won’t physically die without fuel? Unless its by your own hand, I assume.

        I’m not sure what it is you’ve realized later on. An epiphany of sorts? Like the old bumper sticker says “Do unto others, then split.”
        It’s either do that to them (deflect), or whats the alternative? To admit that it’s really a weakness that forces narcs to seek out strength on the blood, sweat and tears of others.

        I’ll give you your props, HG. Before I stumbled upon this blog of yours, I had read all your books. Several times for a few of them. Nobody else has the balls to go into detail regarding their narcissism like you’ve done. It’s highly frustrating, and yet, equally fascinating reading about the depths a narc will sink to just for a fix. The epitome of a villain. The ones we love to hate.

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      2. Thanks for the observations. You are right ; we are empowered by the very thing that chains us and thus by turns we are both magnificent in our power and furious at how we are beholden to it. I am pleased you have found reading interesting and thank you for commenting, please continue to do so.

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  8. HG,
    I’m sure this major life event caused you emotional damage that went unrecognized or noticed because others in the family were too wrapped up in their own pain to meet your emotional needs. BTW…that’s no excuse.
    Even though I don’t agree with your kind and the tactics you use to dump your pain on others…I feel a sense of great sorrow for you because had your needs been met you wouldn’t be cruel. It’s much easier to raise a normal and loving child than it is to repair a damaged adult.

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  9. HG
    I am elite. :). I have bought all of your books and follow you and your posters daily. It is only fair to say I may not post much because I have an issue with reading responses to my posts that dates back to another blog where I was flamed in a very painful way. It just seems unfair to anyone who would need a response from me. I so appreciate what you do here.

    I think this separation sounds like father’s reaction to mom. But time will tell. Looking forward and thank you as always.
    DD

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    1. DD, feel free to air your thoughts. My commentators here are intelligent, insightful, supportive and blessed with humour – sure they occasionally rail against me but that is what I am used to and I am a fan of debate. You will certainly find them empaths one and all in their responses and I say more power to their empathic elbows, so please do not hold back just because you have been flamed elsewhere, besides, after all, I like to hear from my audience.

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  10. DD, I would say respond and question and reply, regardless. It is important to be heard and to air ones thoughts. I tend to over think and that translates in what and how I write, but I still do it. Mind you, this is new for me, I have only ever posed my thoughts privately in the past to my family and friends and never on this topic. To air them publicly is a bit daunting, but so worthwhile. Almost empowering. Why, because it helps me and what if it happens to help someone else who may think similarly.

    I want answers, others have them. HG has them. These answers to my questions are invaluable to me right now. Maybe we all need fuel, in different forms. As different as we are, we are as similar.

    Interestingly, HG, this is an excellent sequey to your latest blog entry, Gamechanger. This blog is an example of a win win situation. You win through an attentive audience, through your readers seeking Information that only you can impart. Your readers win by recovering knowledge. You gain fuel here, we gain Information. We all win. Not exactly your ideal, but it is mine. Vive le difference !!

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  11. Perhaps a friend or childhood sweatheart or a beloved family member. I can see many similarities to different stories that others have shared with me about such a connection and subsequent loss.
    I myself have felt this for my childhood sweetheart. Our time together lasted 6 cherished years. I too felt I needed no one else. He gave me such a sense of belonging and of simply being totally understood. He gave me all I ever longed for (and such happiness I never knew existed) and filled all my “cracks” with love.

    I n retrospect I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, but I believe and fear it’s affects on me never subsided either.
    Regardless of whoever you shared this with H G I hope you can hold on to the joy it brought you, above all else. I believe It is better to have loved and lost than to have never had such a precious gift as such a connection at all.
    I’m deeply saddened to hear this loss affected you so negatively afterwards. My hope is that perhaps in time you may recall its worth and have your faith somehow “restored” somewhat in humanity. I guess, all things considered that you have since become one of your kind…perhaps that ship has sailed. My hope, nonetheless is that you find peace. ❤

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  12. Read it again and again tears to my eyes but less… This sounds like a childhood friend who you were very close to and this person somehow left.. I can feel the pain in your text…. Sad for you… 😢… This leaves an emptiness inside to loose somebody who fills you up like that…And letting go is complicated… 😓…. Hugs

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  13. Will you tell us what “might not have ever come to happen”? And why it was serendipitious for you, but the other person would not talk about it, but it made it easier for you? It is so beautifully written. Your writing transports the reader with great clarity. You communicate feelings through your keyboard (I sound like Jane Campion now)…

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  14. I’m not sure why, but it’s heartbreaking to know there was a before.

    A point at which you could have been free.

    Are you happy now? Does happy even matter, or is, fueled the closest you come?

    Would an unbroken HG have been happy?

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