Do You Feel the Darkness?

Do you feel the darkness as it coils about you? Do you see those midnight black tendrils as they slither towards you? Do you recognise that encroaching cloak of nothingness as it begins to wrap around you? Do you see how the inky murk blots out parts of your life as your friends become obscured by the gathering darkness? Have you any idea what is waiting for you in the shade as the pools of despair begin to form at your feet? Can you feel the icy embrace as the levels of gloom start to rise, swallowing you up bit by bit? Are you aware of the advancing chasm as it swallows up your family, wrenching them away from you consigning them to oblivion? The engulfing darkness causes them to vanish and even their desperate cries and shouts become muffled and then extinguished. Do you remember what held your interest before this fog arrived? Can you recall those hobbies and past times that entertained you and gave you a sense of who you were as you enjoyed engaging in them and with other people? Can you or is the fog too thick so that you doubt if you ever did undertake them at all? Have you noticed how the air has become thicker and cloyed with poison or do you breathe it in oblivious to the toxicity that comes with it? Are you aware how the twilight has percolated into your ears so that everything you hear has become twisted and distorted? Do you recognise what is patently before you or do the shadowy shapes and figures make little sense when they once did? Have you realised that your words have become dust in your mouth as the fur of the darkness fills your mouth and slides down your throat, strangling the sounds you try to make? Do you feel the icy embrace of this impenetrable wall of darkness which advances to you and over you? Do you recognise this glacier of despair as it slides over you, subsuming you and sucking you deep inside, preserving you in a dark, icy tomb? Do you even see your reflection in the mirror anymore or has that become masked in darkness too, the glass dulled so that everything becomes obscured and shows something else entirely? Do you see those shades which come and torment you, their sinewy fingers pulling at you as they strip you piece by piece of what you are? Do you observe these wraiths as they devour you, sucking what you are into their dark maws? How does it feel as this corrupting night brings permanent darkness to your world? Do you see how nothing grows anymore when touched by the gloomy taint? Do you smell that foul stench which accompanies this unending blanket of murk? The acrid fumes which waft into your nostrils and eradicate anything sweet and pleasant. Do you notice how your tongue lies flat and useless in your mouth, little more than a cold slab? Do you even acknowledge how everything tastes like ash? Do you feel the leaden weight of this darkness pulling at you, slowing you and seeking to engulf you? Do you recognise how it prevents you from breaking free, this glue-like morass which has fastened on to you and will not yield? Do you notice the fatigue that now wraps around you, leeching at your energy and vitality? Do you hear anything other than the whispers of malevolent control that rattle about your beleaguered brain? Do you know who you are or has this vast amorphous darkness eradicated your sense of being? Do you remember what it was to feel uplifted, joyous and happy or have you become accustomed to the flat, perilous embrace of this total darkness? Do you even feel anything any more other or has the cosseting black cloud anaesthetised you, numbing and freezing? Do you feel the darkness? No, you ever do. You never see the darkness until you have seen the light.

30 thoughts on “Do You Feel the Darkness?

  1. Asp Amp says:

    The image here reminded me of 2 videos:
    The Contagion Empath (the thumbnail used)
    The Contagion Empath Senses Darkness (the story)

  2. D says:

    in absentia lucis, tenebrae vincunt

  3. Noname says:

    I read your posts from the beginning, in the chronological order. Earlier, I told about darkness my ex-narc-husband had witnessed. I’m familiar with this darkness too. I know exactly what are you talking about.

    But the big irony is that this darkness is a mirage. This darkness is absolutely harmless to your inner self. Its promises to kill you are empty. When you once realize that, it stops to be so frightening.

    This darkness hides the maze which walls are made from your memories. You can follow them and find the exit, the chance to change yourself, the chance to heal yourself, the chance to be free.

  4. Dan says:

    Thank you for this.

  5. TimeWasted says:

    The last time I saw him, the negative energy permeated the room.
    He said something ridiculous. I calmly disagreed with him. He turned and walked away. We haven’t seen or talked to each other since. He hasn’t called me. I haven’t tried to call him.
    I felt profound sadness for a few months. I’m on the upswing now. Doing very well. 🙂

  6. “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift” – unknown

  7. Jax55 says:

    Powerful words indeed HG. I’ve experienced the darkness of deep depression, but what you are so eloquently describing is more visceral and malevolent.

    I have to confess that a small part of the draw to your writings is that a major part of my “relationship” with my ex N was the copious emails we sent to each other, the sharing of thoughts, dreams and fantasies. He released my creative juices and re-awoke the passion I once had as young woman for the written word. I miss the daily word jousts.

    Yes there were many positives I derived from this relationship, that is why I was so bewildered when he could write off something that I thought we both considered special and unique as nothing more than “dating”.

    The major reason I’m here is I find your writings cathartic, I now fully understand it wasn’t about me, it was never personal, for that I thank you.

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome.

    2. Alice says:

      “I have to confess that a small part of the draw to your writings is that a major part of my “relationship” with my ex N was the copious emails we sent to each other, the sharing of thoughts, dreams and fantasies. He released my creative juices and re-awoke the passion I once had as young woman for the written word. I miss the daily word jousts.”

      Exactly the same for me, Jax55. But I realized that words without consistent actions matching them are just… well, words. Emptiness. I also realized that what I loved about the daily word jousts was the game, the mirroring, the projection, the fantasies, the entaglement… to be honest, I spent more time selecting and savouring my own writings and words that on what he wrote or replied… so when it stoppend, I lost a part of myself that I had to replace or rather: find again in a different way. That´s a strange thing to admit I guess, but it is the truth.

      1. Jax55 says:

        I understand that perfectly Alice, no not strange. I suspect in part I have to admit that maybe, there is a small part of the narcissist in me and that is what he had tapped into too. Although I certainly don’t consider my self entitled and I would never play the games that a full blown N indulges in.
        As I’ve said in a reply to another post here, he made me feel audacious, devil may care…

  8. fool me 1 time says:

    HG you take everything I felt ( or still feel) and absolutely capture it all with your writings! I am so glad I found you! You are an extraordinary gifted and talented writer! Thank you do very much. Xo

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Fool Me.

  9. Nikita says:

    HG came across this article in a codep group and had to think about you when you were saying some of your exes were crazy :
    Seems their attitude is fully normal 😃👍🏻
    People can be hurt. Women especially react to hurt in ways that may not seem rational to the male. That is normal and not cause for automatic assumption that she is damaged goods.
    There is a universe of identifiable difference between a person who is hurt, and lashing out in pain – and a person who enters into encounters with evil purpose, and who drives engagements toward cruel and sadistic dominance.

  10. Nikita says:

    Well written. Its fascinating how you write. A pleasure to read you. Always!!!
    And what you write seems true and familiar.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thanks Nikita.

  11. Sheila says:

    Very powerfully written, HG. I can’t help but wonder if this is how you felt after the event that made you into an N?

  12. GG says:

    God, those were dark days…. And you’re right, I didn’t see it until I got out.
    Haunting piece.

  13. karaa34 says:

    Well I cannot fault that, words are meaningful to me. I imagine it didn’t take you long to write what you did above. i imagine it flowed from within you quite readily and steadily.
    Words are a tremendous weapon in all facets of life. If one is so blessed to be talented In the wielding of words, then so begins the slaying.
    Foes, hearts…the list is endless….he who masters words. Masters all.
    It is no wonder you learned this and honed this skill.

  14. survivednarc says:

    You know, this gives me associations to Mordor, Salmon and the ring of power.. (Lord of the rings)… do you think Sauron the dark lord was a narcissist? 🙂 He wants everyone to kneel to him and to rule them all (absolute power)… On a more serious note, well described about the darkness, this is exactly what it felt like when I was in the darkness… utter despair. Thanks for sharing this.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thanks Survivednarc. Was Sauron a narc, I would say so. Not sure about Salmon though?!!

      1. survivednarc says:

        I agree Sauron must be narc… maybe your dark King? 😊Although I am guessing you and your kind wouldn’t much like the idea of having to be ruled by someone…😉

        1. malignnarc says:

          Nobody rules me.

          1. survivednarc says:

            I suspected you would say something like that… see I am getting to know you pretty well.. 😊

  15. karaa34 says:

    I prefer the darkness and all it’s haunting beauty, the light gleams too brightly for my eyes.
    Brilliantly written, the imagery builds like a crescendo or a crashing wave furious to touch the sand and break upon the stony shore.
    Do I feel the darkness, of course, I embrace it as it envelopes me. Do I see it coming, of course, I was the one who beckoned it.
    Once again. Incredibly poetic.
    Do you feel the darkness inside you, can you embrace it warmly or only unleash it?
    What often appears as one thing, in reality is quite often something entirely different. Often we see more through listening.
    Words are power.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Karaa, words are indeed power. I have made them such instruments ever since I realised their potency.

      1. Starr says:

        When you compare food to ash I can understand so well . After I found out he cheated on me and after the breakup the taste of food was gone . I couldn’t enjoy it. He took my life from me yet somehow I was still breathing . All I could feel was cold and frightened . I was paranoid filled with dread and anxiety . Simple Noises and people chatting were to much for me. I was dead . Nothing more than a walking corpse .

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed Starr. How about now?

          1. Starr says:

            It’s been almost a year since the breakup and now I have leftover chills . I can eat and tend to overindulge now . I still have nightmares but not as frequently . I’m unable to go no contact because my ex is one of my bosses at work . At my lowest point I contemplated suicide by carbon monoxide or just going out into the woods and laying down until I died . I did nothing wrong never hurt or lied to him . I loved him so much and I told him I would always be there for him and as long as long as we were together he would never be lonely . You would think that kind of love would be enough .

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Familiar sentiments Starr, thank you for expanding.

  16. DD says:

    Beautiful. So dark and beautifully written. And so true.
    Cannot help but say so.

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