On Your Marks,Get Set, Stay!

How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explaim how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us, some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again. I know that you will stay. Again.

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210 thoughts on “On Your Marks,Get Set, Stay!”

  1. Its a very good article. Its very scary because once more and like it happens to all the others, this story reflects 90% me. Again you could be my ex 😱. Sometimes the words, and happenings match 100%. But in the whole I say 90% because The last part is not going to happen. I am not going to fall again like I have done 4 times the last year. I dont want . There is an end to everything.
    Ive spent the last month of my life reading and implementing about love, relationships, self love and how learning to love my self and setting boundaries will lead to a loving and happy relationship.
    This posts reminds me of what I dont have to do.
    have a nice day at the coast 💋

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    1. Curses, again. Yes. Nikita, damn these Hallmark moments. Should, we invest in bulk packages of tissues for times, such as this. I feel the same as you, HG you really must reassure us, pronto 😊
      Yes, I the month and a half since he instituted his last silent treatment, I have been well Informed. Never give up on a loving relationship, I agree. Mind you I chose not to be In a relationship and am good in that decision. Rebounds can lead back to the same road. N’s seek vulnerable women, must be the pheromones or the tears. Wolf like tendencies to hunt prey.

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      1. Karaa. I also chose to be single and stay single for some time but hopefully not forever . 🙏🏻
        And yes for the pack of tissues. I think the last year of my life I cried more than my entire whole life.
        Have you read the Devils tool kit?? Also a movie of parts of my relationship but with one of those tools I had not at all noticed that was mamipulation!!! If you read it let me know if you had the same experience.

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      2. I just bought the Devils tool kit started it the other day, it has a welcome to my medieval torture chamber feel to it. Takes a whole new meaning to I like a man who’s good with his hands or mind.
        Yes, I found as reading that one, I need to really absorb longer. I will let you know in few days, Nikita. I see much in just the early parts I have read.

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    2. Been reading this with morbid fascination these last two days.
      I am in a place where I can.
      The narcissistic species is so alien and yet everyone of us has traits.
      I am not going into a long boring spiel about the past and how I got out.
      The amazing thing is that once out, we come home to ourselves.
      Apologies for not mentioning you sooner in my post Mr Tudor? But you know how it is…….
      Everything you write I have known at a “soul” level for a long time.
      I guess we just cannot believe what our intuition is screaming at us early into the relationship.
      We only have ourselves to blame here.
      No other.
      I love how this serves you. I really do.
      Very clever.
      You get our milkshake and keep the inheritance.
      Brilliant.
      If I still had ten ounces of your savvy I would have been more successful materially I am sure.
      I chose not to draw on that which was in me as a younger man.
      Thank you for your writings.
      You know as well as I do that there is one born every minute and they will keep stepping up to the mantle.
      It’s a long road with many casualties until the human race learns to negotiate the narcissistic bends.
      Thanks again.
      Mike.

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      1. Hello Mike and thank you for posting. Yes you are correct, your intuition may warn you but because of our insidious charm you rarely pay heed to it and that is the way we like it. Yes,they will keep stepping up to the mantle as there are so many people who will fall for our illusion over and over again. We have been designed a certain way for maximum effectiveness and with that comes considerable carnage for those caught up in our malevolent maelstrom.

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  2. HG, how is it that you can describe a situation in my life as if you were there personally… 👀wow. I recognize the speech so very well… he was going to go to therapy, he promised (never went), he didn’t know what was wrong with him but he was sure this time around he could change things… Sigh. This happened so many times to me that I lost count eventually. But I agree with Nikita here. The ending is changed for me, too… no more staying there!

    I like your comment about Karen, I remember that Rain blog post, it was beautiful. Be well 🌸🌼

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  3. Yes, I can see myself standing there, saying such things. Feeling such things. I do not hate him, I knew I couldn’t heal him. I do not feel sorry for him. We make choices in life …in who we are and how we behave. My childhood was difficult, I turned it Inwardly, Not outwardly to harm others. I prepare speeches in My mind, that I never get to say or choose not to say. Many of them are vile and it feels righteous to think them and want to say them. Will I say them, most likely not. not because they may be hurtful to him, but because how they will make me feel following.
    That I refuse to allow him to goad me to stoop so low. I would rather write such feelings to him.Then verbally express it. If he chooses not to read it, is of no consequence to me, the validity for me is In the stating alone. Writing feelings, for me, offers a more permanent validation. If I can see it , read it,, it increases it’s Potency for me, more then verbalizing it.
    The last paragraph was highly visual to me. Like a scene from a film. Only I envisioned as he grasped her hands and face ever so lovingly. That as her eyes smiled upon him. She then tightly pushed a revolver against his chest and fired off one precise shot. Then, returning it to her coat pocket, turned on her four inch heels and exited the room. I do not condone violence. Only In a theatrical sense.
    Do you enjoy film noire, HG ? As I felt like, I was in a Hitchcock film whilst reading, did his enjoy Rebecca, the film, that is 😏
    Film noire, is a Narcissists and a romantics cinema graphic playground. I enjoy the dark psychological romance of it all.
    As an aside, what are your top three favourite films?

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      1. I know your comment was in response to karaa34’s question.
        Im just guessing your response is not altogether unlike loving to talk about books I’d imagine. I share such a love, as I have expressed previously of both sources, as a means of connection and intimacy with others. It also opens the arena to the interpretation of others, as we often see, feel and experience things through what seems to be a different set of eyes. Sharing this, I feel, is simply wonderful and a learning experience at worst.

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      2. Me too for hours and hours hours and I have a long list:
        The shawshank redemption
        Hachiko
        The notebook too!!!
        The English patient
        Don Juan

        Im movie addicted anway 😜

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      3. Wuthering Heights is my favourite novel and
        Second favourite movie 😊 I always fancied a Healthcliff type, moody and passionate, not predictable, but loved me to death.
        I love the Notebook too, Crystal ❤️ Bridges of Madison County is another that always makes me cry.
        Yes HG, I Love film, it is an excellent conversation to have. So many wonderful films. Christian Bale was brilliant In American Psycho..

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      4. Christian Bale is a formidable actor. He was sensational in the Machinist and then went and bulked up for Batman. I am pleased he gets the credit he deserves after doing a lot of indie film work.

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      5. Not sure if my replies are sending either Crystal, I hate repeated posts..so much. I love Wuthering Heights, my favourite novel and second favourite film. I always fancied myself with a Heathcliff type, well my N was more then anyone I ever knew. I prefer the Broody, passionate types, I do not mind a temper or jealousy or impassioned argument . I just despise abusive behaviour.
        I really like The Notebook too, Crystal. Always makes me cry, same as bridges of Madison County, A Beautiful Life, is up there for me as well, for emotional response.

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      6. All those films are wonderful, the Notebook makes me cry, In a good way. I do enjoy a good romance, Wuthering Heights is my second favourite film, but Only the Olivier version. Departed and American psycho, both very. Good. I agree. I run the gambit on film, I enjoy so many from The Man who knew too Little with Bill Murray, to Young Frankenstein, to Lucky Number Slevin to Fight Club to Bridges of Madison Country, to Life is Beautiful to Rear Window to an endless list…there are Some things that people cannot really fake, films, books and music they enjoy 😀

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      7. Yes excellent film, I enjoy older movies too , Alexis. Faye Dunaway, was such a fabulous actress. Did you ever see, Body Heat or Sea of Love….

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      8. I have posting issues so cannot reply separately, but all those films are fantastic. I replied last night to each response, but I don’t think any of my posts went through.
        I agree Crystal, books for me too, along with music. It was in Those three areas, my N and I connected the most genuinely. As Love, was merely an illusion of connection.
        Where, Wuthering Heights is not my favourite film( my second fave ). It is my most favourite novel, along with Picture of Dorian Grey, castle of Otranto, Jane Eyre, all things Bronte and Wilde…the Lady in White, I enjoy romance and mystery, gothic horror is my favourite. Black Beauty, Wally Lamb and Mitch Albom novels..,..poetry of all types…. as in film and music, the list is gloriously endless. In Film, I always hope that when adapted from A novel the transition is seemless. I felt that way, with The lovely Bones, I prefer to read the novel ,before ever seeing it as film.
        I agree, Crystal, they are connecting points to others, in all forms of relationship. All three also help ease hurt and sadness from relationships of all types.

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      9. I apologize I don’t think any of my replies from yesterday or today have or will post. They do not even show up as awaiting moderation , as they did previously. I think they are being absorbed into a cyber black hole when I hit send . if this goes through, HG can see if if you received any of the replies I posted last night and today. None were there from Last night that I can see. I replied to everyone, I wouldn’t want anyone thinks I ignored their responses ❤️

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    1. Another scary point there my ex bought a box set of film noir to watch when he joined me on my 2 week hol he came only for a week 😱😱😱

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      1. Hi KARAA34

        It was a British film noir collection

        It included

        Turn the key softly
        Hunted
        Sapphire
        So long at the fair
        21 days

        I only watched turn the key softly and sapphire.

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  4. Me too I ❤️ Rain…. And mostly when I am on my own.
    Maybe the rain inspires you to think where it went wrong with her and how not to repeat that… ……
    Here its very very cold. Your ears would freeze outside 😃

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  5. I recognize this in my initial break ups years ago, yes…over time such things somehow change you. Til you no longer recognize who you are and what you, yourself, have become. I daresay neither does the long term partner for quite some time either after such a personality change.

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  6. What makes empaths so beautiful is our ability to love unconditionally…and to forgive immediately. God made us this way…and we shine brilliantly when we show grace under pressure/humiliation (Melanie from “Gone with the Wind”, when Scarlett’s crush on her husband was made public is a good example of this). God also gave us sensitive types extra doses of discernment….(for our protection). BUT, OUR hearts can’t shake the disease that takes hold of our tongues in these situations…we MUST express ourselves….
    I think we empaths struggle in matters of the heart…..our hearts trump our heads in said situations….we were just made this way.

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      1. Shake The Disease….of course….

        ‘I’m not going down on my knees begging you to adore me….’

        DM always sells out like in 30 minutes or less when they play anywhere in Cali…. Sadly….

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  7. This was four years of insanity, of push and pull. I said goodbye a dozen times, always sucked back in. Until, I finally meant it. And then the real guy showed up. Like a bloody game of tug of war…he finally let the rope go…and watched me careen off a cliff clutching my broken heart. Smirking all the while. Replacement in place. there were a few conversations…muffled in confusion…following the discard. Why do we feel discarded even when we leave? Having read several of your books, everything is beginning to fall into place…but will never make sense.

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  8. Just went through a similar situation that has been nothing short of chaos for the past few days. I’ll be blogging about it on my own site once I finish wrapping my head around the events of today.
    How thoroughly our loved ones can manipulate us by igniting that spark of hope that things will change.

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  9. Bethany, your story sounds so similar to mine, however I was discarded after he’d hoovered me back after I had said I’d had enough. He convinced me of how much he loved me. 5 weeks later a what’s app discarded. He then married another 14 weeks later.😔

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    1. Bastard indeed, he wanted to be the one to do it, to outdo you. Have the last word , so to speak. It really is outstanding to me, that my mind would never consider harming someone in such ways, especially through the guise of love. It is well beyond tugging on The heart strings, it is plucking them out one by one. As they sever the heart strings, we can cut the cords to our connection to them.

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      1. Yes KARAA34
        He was very cruel, all the time I was unaware of the pending marriage he was still replying to my messages and saying how he wanted us to stay friends. I was the best friend he’d ever had. Then when I found out there was someone else he stopped replying but he did read my messages. I was providing him with his fuel wish I’d known what he was.

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      2. Maybe HG but this fuel station is close to him.little does he know that a mar superior narc has my attention now. 😊

        BTW that’s you HG

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    2. Freedom……he wanted to have the last word! He wanted to “win”!
      Mine did something similar…..He went silent after the deaths of my father and stepmom…..When I needed him the most.!..I then started No Contact a few weeks later….but I doubt he’ll be back. He says he NEVER looks/goes backward–only forward! I must admit…I do want the ego victory of him calling and me ignoring him!!! *hugs*

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      1. Hi T
        They are predictable in everything, when it was the anniversary of my dads sudden death I was very low. I was struggling with my MSc dissertation and just wanted some support … He either didn’t answer my messages or I got a cold reply of yes I’m having a bad day too. I was always there for him he was just never there for me. Oh I tell a lie he made a big effort in the early days the days I now know as love bombing and the golden period.
        He also whatsapped my discard whilst I was very ill classic narc. Xx

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      2. Yes we don’t do support, why would we when it takes the spotlight off us and places it on you. In addition, caring and empathy are your traits not ours.

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      3. Yes empathy and caring are traits of ours but how about if you did do them. Think of all the positive fuel of admiration from others seeing how kind you are and the gratitude we would show you in return. 😊

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      4. Hi Freedom!
        They are all so typical! Do they all go to “Narc” school?! lol!
        After the “golden stage”….everything/favor he did for me ended with ‘you owe me, T’……

        I’m so sorry you had to suffer with such a callous discard….I’m not sure what Whatssapp is….but it sounds very juvenile and casual….not sure how these narcs feel that they’re winning in the end….9 times out of 10 all they do is downgrade and burn bridges with the people that loved them to pieces and always had their back! How is that “coming up”?! I just don’t understand…..*smh*

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      5. Hi T
        Whatsapp is an app which allows you to text, send pics and talk on the phone for free around the world. But yes a very childish way of ending a relationship or conducting s serious matter. He was never one who liked face to face or telephone calls. Prob didn’t like face to face in case I could see he was a liar or phone calls in case he was with another supply.
        I don’t think he’s downgraded but I can’t be sure. Career wise she’s very successful very high up in an e-commerce, communication role and is an entrepreneur ( he always saw himself as one). I work in healthcare as a scientist and team manager so equally good in our careers. I think the main part was she was in India I wasn’t and I think he wants to stay there playing the rich man. My family came before anything else and I couldn’t have lived in India seeing all those people suffer whilst I lived like a queen.

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      6. Freedom,
        I was dumped via text message…..then he avoided me and went silent for 6 weeks! All because I asked to go to the movies and he didn’t want to go?! He got so angry–(he got laid off and was stressed) and took everything out on me….after I finally got a hold of him and got the answers I needed-I accepted the break up. He then started phone games (calling and hanging up…then not answering?!). He got angry I wasn’t chasing him?! My dad and stepmom died shortly after our break up-and I called him for support-big mistake!!! He chose that time to pull a callous discard-and silent treatment!!! I decided then and there I’d NEVER take him back or speak w him again. I started no contact on January 6, 2016! I figured he was a narc-HG confirmed it!
        I could never be w a man so cruel! He hid it so well!
        Freedom, just because your guy has a “successful” wife does not mean he didn’t downgrade! Can any other woman love him the way you did?! Does she have his back like you did?! I bet the answer is no to both questions…..so yes….he did downgrade! *hugs*~
        T.

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      7. Thanks T

        I’m so sad to hear he also performed the discard on you at such a traumatic time for you. I’ve read somewhere along the lines of HGs blogs/ books that they pick times to have the most impact to harvest the most fuel ( sick I know).
        I can’t answer if my exes new wife will love as I did as I do t know her. All I can say is I loved him with all my heart and was always there for him, I was even considering a career break and leaving my family to go and be with him for awhile. It makes me so sad to know on his part it was just one big lie. I know this sounds very unsympathetic but I do hope either his wife leaves him and see him for what he is before he hurts her. My biggest fear though is they will be happy together and it was just me he no longer wanted.

        Hope you find your peace T xxx

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      8. I doubt Freedom that he is happy with his new wife. How you describe him, he sounds pretty emotionally unstable and inmature. Besides HG has told you, it wont be different.

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      9. Freedom,

        Thank you so much for your words of sympathy regarding my folks❤️!
        I think your ex will publicly pretend to be happier on “fakebook” and other social media sites….but you know the truth!
        I had another ex that I am sure was a narc and he married the next woman after me and gave her everything I wanted from him(marriage by end of 2012-they married NYE 2012!!)…I left him because he was so demanding and mean!(he didn’t like me wearing make up, dressing cute, and insisted I wear my hair “natural”)…..I knew he’d leave me if I didn’t comply-so I left him first. She’s everything I wasn’t. She wears no make up (and wouldn’t attract any other men). She worships him…and posts nothing but a life of bliss online….
        But I can see the pain and confusion in her eyes…because the eyes don’t lie….
        *hugs*

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      10. Hi Nikita and T , I’m sorry not sure if I replied to your comments on my ex and his wife being happy.
        Nikita you say he sounds very emotionally unstable and immature, he sure is, hence that is where my empathy nature took over trying to love and nurture him.
        T my ex never told me how to dress etc as he probably knew I’d rebel.His new wife however is very plain, doesn’t wear makeup and dresses very frumpy. Not like most of the beautiful asian ladies I’m used to seeing at all. She’s not poor she’s far from that she obviously just happy as she is which is fair enough.
        I do think though that when my ex came home on leave and we were out for the day he claimed a female colleague had asked him to purchase a dress in the UK for them. I thought this very strange and said OK what has she asked for? E.g. style, colour,size etc he just said something you would wear. I said I’m not getting something for another woman without her being more specific. He got angry for a split second till I looked him in the face and he put his fake mask back on again.
        I obviously now presume it was to be a gift for her.

        I have no idea what she posts on FB I try not to look at her page.

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      11. But why freedom? Is this guy worth all your pain? I would say NO. Be thankful that he left. Werent you already suffering enough in thag relationship? I left mine and it was still okay, altghouh after reading manipulated and devils kit I recognized I was being manipulated

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      12. Yes I see it wasn’t great NikitaLondon but my mind is constantly battling some days I’m ok other days feel low. I think it’s I just want to see for myself him repeating his track record so I can see its not all in my mind.
        I’m glad you escaped before he messed your head too much xx

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      13. Freedom here the link to the book. I know this will help you.
        I cant paste the link because I already did once in a conversation with Karas but you can look for it in kindle

        what is love from Thomas G Fiffer.
        Hugs

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      14. HG–lol! It was a chick flick!! However, by that stage nothing I did or said was right….he was at the devalue stage with me….such a shame-we really did Have a great relationship and sex life (it’s still hard to believe it was all fake).
        HG, please tell me… Does all no contact hurt narcs? Does it only hurt if you reach out first and get ignored? Will it hurt him that I’m not reaching out to him?
        Last week my Facebook account was hacked…2 days later my gmail was hacked too …I think it’s him….I’ve always broke down and reached out to him… I have never made it past a month. I’ve made it 6 and a half weeks now! I still see his active dating profile on Match……I know he can’t replace me…..so it doesn’t even bother me anymore. I’m done w him! But, I want him to hurt like he hurt me! That’s not very Christ like….and I have been praying for him…. But I feel the only way he’ll learn from this is to hurt from this….

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      15. Ha ha I thought so. Which one was it ? You are a terrible person for trying to make someone watch one!! Ah yes the brilliant sex life, so familiar – have you read Sex and the Narcissist yet? No Contact is the stake through the heart for us and if you want the definitive view on why it hurts us so much alongwith lots more compelling reading then you only have to wait a couple of days to read my next book which is “No Contact : How to Beat the Narcissist” I think you will find it very insightful and if you want to wound him then you can implement No Contact or wait a week and go one further by using what I write in “Revenge : How to Beat the Narcissist Again”. Yes it will be him hacking your accounts and you are not doing yourself any favours by looking at his Match profile, No Contact will explain why. Seems like I have the timing spot on with these forthcoming books!

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      16. lol! It was Paper Towns….I never did see that darn movie! Lol
        I have most of your books. I just read Sex and The Narcissist last week! It was chilling…..I know it was manipulation on his part….but we both enjoyed it….everybody feels joy, right? It’s hard for empaths to put our heads around throwing away love and all of the lies….it all seemed so real…

        I want to block him on Match, but then he’ll know I am still hurt. I could just remove him from my searches and he’d be none the wiser….
        Perhaps I will…

        Will your new books be available in the US next week via Amazon? I just love your work! I can finish you books in one sitting-your writing engages me-completely!

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      17. Hi T, I don’t know Paper Towns but then since it is a chick flick that is no surprise. Yes it all seemed so real and we make it seem that way otherwise you will not fall for the con. If you want to escape him you need to block him. As for the new books, No Contact will be available across all countries on Amazon either tomorrow or Friday. Revenge will be similarly available but around Wednesday or Thursday next week.

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      18. I can’t wait to devour “No Contact” tomorrow!
        HG, you are right about blocking him on Match. It’s more for me than for him. I’m sure he was the one to hack into my Facebook and email….so that means he might be up to no good on Match as well. I did have 2 great dates and the guys immediately fell off the grid afterwards….I did have a feeling he was behind that….
        Thanks, HG and Nikita! I appreciate all your help!

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      19. Hi T.
        Do buy no contact from HG as I doubt there will be something better on the subject that what we find from him, but just please let me tell you. Implement NC with the purpose of of healing and protecting yourself and not to wound somebody. When you do things to hurt others you also hurt yourself.
        I hope HG agrees with me?

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      20. I am not a healer but I would advocate that when you have been to hell and back you need to look to your own defences rather than striking out and NC is the most effective way of achieving that.

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      21. Yes that sounds good. Look for our own defenses but feeling peace in the heart.
        I know your book revenge is coming out soon and I have been wondering if I will be the first one to buy it 😃, but I just decided yes as I would never implement a revenge but Im very curious to find out what you will write in there.
        No contact I will for sure buy and by the way today I bought the third confessions althought im still only 10% on the other one.
        I just love reading you. Was nice again coming back from a tough day in the office and sit to read your new posting and the interesting discussion on the blog. 😃
        Sleep well HG

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      22. Nikita, I have most of HG’s books-I will buy the new ones too!
        Nikita, I know you’re right. In all honesty….I could never really hurt him….
        I just want him to realize that there is a way to exit a woman’s life without taking her dignity and self respect….and that it is possible to be civil to ones exes after the breakup.
        Let’s be honest-people only remember lessons that hurt them❤️. I want him to learn from this….

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      1. You’re not the first to use the analogy of dodging a bullet. One day soon I hope I can feel it was for the best. Till then I will keep reading and educating myself 😊

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  10. Ok…HG…Please tell me there is a teeny part of you that does not want to cause this pain to another; that there is a part of you that wants to stop, to not feel the need to stay on this merry-go-round or roller coaster.

    I have been following posts, reading comments and your replies…reading your books, there is this malevolent tone in your writings where I imagine you smiling to yourself as you type, drinking red wine (blood)…with a coldness in the air…it’s like a boasting (whilst hugely educational) and I know you gain lots of fuel…but…is there not, somewhere within you that wants…’normal’…?

    Your writing about the darkness was captivating by the way…sinister…cold…engulfing…

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  11. Not quite sure what happened with my post but you obviously got the idea of what I was referring to HG 😊

    HG what saddens me the most is you sound such an intelligent and humourous man just a shame due to life events it has made you into the narc you are 😓😓😓

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      1. I’m sure you are HG, because its all about you, as long as you’re ok what the hell with others. Maybe I just take a leaf out of your book.

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      2. Sure HG. Be happy with your nice sides and youre doing a very good work. Understanding your past, how you act and how this affects people and sharing with us readers your findings💋

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  12. Even as lots of time went by, when i read how you and youre kind operate it still disgusts me to the core. You all are so so sick inhuman bloodsucking ass#### . I can tell you one thing i will never ever be snarred like an Animal by your kind again. Ever. And that my ” friend” is FREEDOM YOU WILL NEVER HAVE. lots of love and hugs…. oh shit i nearly puked.

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  13. Yes indeed a masterpiece and thanks for the info on the 26 years.
    So I was 16 when it was released and have loved it since then 😃

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  14. The video of this song is fascinating, the guy sitting infront of the water, the rocks, the ocean reefs and the snowed alps could be me… And since he has a crown and feels king then it could be you 😃 blue eyes.
    I ❤️ Also the video.

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  15. Ironically when my ex used to hug me and cuddle me he would sometimes sing the lines all I’ve ever wanted all I’ve ever needed is here in my arms. I shod have had air raid sirens going off in my head.

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    1. Me too Freedom I had the humming. I wonder what is with the humming. Part of the machinations I suppose. My last ex used to humm from brian adams this song have you ever loved a woman…

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  16. I also used to get him humming songs from the carpenters and he sang that song somebody I used to know by Goyte ( I always disliked that song it’s very depressing)

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  17. Wuthering Heights looks great. Will look in netflix or else buy it..
    i did look on the trailers of American Psycho but does not look like my kind of movie…. And I remember having seen those trailers many years ago because of the sentence ” im defined as a human being” or sometjing like that.
    Maybe Ill watch it because HG has mentioned it several times during the time I have been following this blog, so something must be good in this movie.
    HG why do you like it so much. What is what you most like in this movie?

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    1. In terms of Wuthering Heights watch the Fiennes/Binoche one from the early 1990s. I like American Psycho because of the black humour involved and the fascination with inanimate objects over people (evidenced by the elaborate descriptions). I do think that the film would have benefitted from a larger budget though as some of the sets look a little cheap.

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      1. American psycho I am still watching and its a bit bloody 😖 but I like to analyse movies so I will make the effort to watch such bloody scenes ( turn away 😃) and the other I still have to watch or ask my daughter to hack it from another country in Netflix from her computer. Teens know how to do that 👍🏻. I still have sever packed movies that I did not watch yet…

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      2. 👍🏻👍🏻 ok if it continues like with the ax and the death of the handsome young bussiness man with the best business card then its okay 😃
        But when it got to the dog in the street i did stop for a while. Nothing with animals. Zero tolerance. Hope that was the only scene as animal cruelty is so familiar to me It brings me real scenes in mind.

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  18. Found american psycho on Netflix and started watching. I know now why you so much like it. Just watched how he peels away the facial mask on his face as he explains the void in himself…

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  19. I have all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don’t know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
    I guess the producer or the script writter or Both are narcissists and let their fantasy flow because if I am not wrong I heard in one of Sam V ‘s videos that fury comes with a strong desire to kill someone.. But that it does not go further than that. Just a desire.
    I will look for the business card scene 😃

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  20. Just saw the business card scene. Very cool and even funny I think. Comparison of business cards filling up the ego. The movie is much funner because Of what I have learned from your books. .. I hope I can stand the bloody parts and watch until the end because usually I cant stand those scenes.
    Good nite 😴😴

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  21. Sorry. I clogged up post with so many repetitive comments 😕 when I had posting issues.
    Christian Bale, yes, I enjoyed him the fighter, as well. Al Pacino,one of fave actors, sadly his films in past years have been disappointing. Dog Day afternoon, Scarface, Heat, Serpico….he was always my ideal of sexy, well next to Olivier.
    I recommend sea of love first , Alexis. Yes, the Fiennes version of Wuthering Heights is very good, I agree. I prefer the bleak romanticism of the black and white version with Olivier and Oberon.
    I really enjoy Depeche mode, but I love the Smiths 😊

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  22. HG Would you know briefly what is the difference in between pyschopath, sociopath and narcissist? I thought sociopath is a narcissist who exploits the others… But Im not sure… After watching the movie…

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    1. I think a sociopath is essentially devoid of any empathy for anyone else. Accordingly a narcissist can be both a narc and sociopath but it does not mean that a sociopath will necessarily be a narcissist. As for a psychopath, I would suspect that by the use of psycho the term is referring to psychosis which are episodes of departure from reality. Accordingly, I would think that a psychopath combines the traits of a sociopath (unfeeling etc) with episodes of being detached from reality (hallucinations, delusions and so forth). If I remember I will ask Dr O what the difference is.

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      1. Hey thanks for the explanation 😃. I have tried to look up but there are so many different theories that I gave up. Would be nice if you could ask one of your good doctors. Cool if you do that. Thanks.

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      2. I sometimes think psychopath and sociopath might actually be interchangeable. I do know a narcissist can exhibit sociopathic tendencies (even psychopathic) but not necessarily the other way around. It is my educated comment. A specialist in the field is likely to have a better idea.

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    1. One of my most favourite songs, is New Order’s, Bizarre Love Triangle…think I will listen to cd now, actually. ..in case anyone is unfamiliar with the song…here are lyrics

      Every time I think of you
      I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
      It’s no problem of mine
      But it’s a problem I find
      Living a life that I can’t leave behind
      But there’s no sense in telling me
      The wisdom of the fool won’t set you free
      But that’s the way that it goes
      And it’s what nobody knows
      well every day my confusion grows

      Every time I see you falling
      I get down on my knees and pray
      I’m waiting for that final moment
      You say the words that I can’t say

      I feel fine and I feel good
      I’m feeling like I never should
      Whenever I get this way
      I just don’t know what to say
      Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday
      I’m not sure what this could mean
      I don’t think you’re what you seem
      I do admit to myself
      That if I hurt someone else
      Then I’ll never see just what we’re meant to be

      Every time I see you falling
      I get down on my knees and pray
      I’m waiting for that final moment
      You say the words that I can’t s

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      1. Karaa I love this group and this song and video are great. Loved the horses ❤️. Thanks for posting.
        Did you know they found the singer through facebook. I read it somewhere two years ago. My favorite is wasting my young years. Do you know it?

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      1. Clever, it was In His youth, I didn’t know him then.but true I couldn’t get enough of him because of the silent treatment he imposed 😏 Dave Gahan, himself doesn’t even look like he did in his youth lol

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  23. Is the Hoover part of all narcissists playbook? I feel perhaps, my recent ex will not Hoover, as he will be too full of anger that I left during his last silent treatment. That he knows I missed him, love him and still his pride and ego will disallow him to reach out to me. I think he will wait till I do it and I will,not do it, I hope.
    As you know HG, as many, I vascilate between loss and freedom over him. It has only been less then two months.
    These thoughts have been flooding my mind of late. Maybe upon reading them HG you could offer me some wisdom of yours based on what I have said and any gage you have of who I am from your blog, to how he may react to me In the Near future. What I should be wary of?

    My N said this to me numerous times in defence of his absences, beginning with only days In the First years, moving to weeks in the Second year and then months in Our third year. He justified it this way. That he needs to go away to recharge, I thought he was referring to his SAD and introversion, as I didn’t know he was an N, and thusly what he meant was to gather fuel from others. He stated that in order for him to maintain our relationship and remain healthy himself, he needed to go away at times, so that he could always return to me and we could maintain our relationship for all time. Which was perfect for him, there was no consideration about how long I had to wait until he decided to make contact with me, when it came to months In the last year, it was more difficult to hold on to the idea he loved me. As men who love women want to be with them, not away for them. Well. Now I know through your writing HG. He didn’t love me.

    Then there was the time we discussed love and its meaning and he said this….I think I did love you, I think sometimes you also needed to feel and hear I loved you and it was far less cruel to allow you to feel that then tell you otherwise. He said I was in a different league from the others, which I assume he meant his appliances and fuel sources. I am the only one he can truly say he felt love for, but he knew he couldn’t maintain it. So when he said he would happily tell me he loved me, if that was what I wanted, stating they are only words anyways. My reply was, maybe to you, but I attach emotions to that word. He then said , okay no more I love your then. I said fine, don’t tell if it is insincere. But I will infinite to tell you as I feel it the same .

    So, in those statements, HG can you tell me why he continued to tell me he loved me, was in love with me, often saying it before me. If I supposedly knew by his admission, he didn’t feel love that way. A lot of times, he would say these things when he was angry at me, for asking where he was, why he ignored me, et cetera.
    Please recall, I very much loved this man, I didn’t know he was a N, but I knew he was being deceptive, I also knew about his childhood trauma, so in that I often allowed him. Time away and expression of emotion. I wonder why he felt the need to be selective with me with the truth, when he knew I was receptive to the truth. You can never hurt me with the truth, only with a lie …that I discover.

    Do you think he will Hoover me or stay away? Once he told me if I decided I didn’t want to be with him anymore to just tell him and he would respect that and I would never hear from him again. I never told him that when I left. I won’t tell him that either. I miss him, regardless of what he is or what he did, I loved him. I am never too proud to admit such things. It serves me no good to deny my feelings and pretend. I need to be real. But, I have resisted any contact with him.

    A good friend who is highly intuitive and psychic,whom I trust in what he thinks …in an email he said this to me after we had discussed my disillusionment on certain facets of life. I hope maybe it might help others who feel similarily to me. There is something very valid in the recognition of how you are, even if you might question your purpose. We all have a purpose in this life, we all are teachers and we all have lessons to learn. It is In the openness to receive that we may learn. He pushes me to stop denying my true nature, accept the things I feel, see and know, trust my intuition, dreams and guides. I often ignore such things despite knowing, maybe because I fear them, doubt them or wish them otherwise.

    “I don’t think you will ever lose these emotions that you have. The reason is because you are a sensitive and when you’re a sensitive, you will always be one. So, we have made a choice with our lives to be kind and caring to others, yet accepting nothing back or receiving nothing but hard times so it seems. We are effectively victims.

    People are nasty and this is something that seems to be increasing rather than reducing. The world is very miss-placed and unsympathetic. We don’t have a choice, but to live the best we can.

    It all seems very dismal and negative, but you also need to remember that you are special and one day you will be rewarded. There are too few of people like you which is sad, but also makes you very unique.

    The trials of life will always be hard, but one day, when your time comes to leave Earth, you will fully see your potential and then you will understand why you were that person on Earth.

    You’re a higher spirit to most, that I do know, and for that reason, living in a physical, hostile environment does not work well with higher spirits. We try hard, very hard but can only do so much.

    Please go with it. Accept you for who you are and believe that helping others and not necessarily receiving anything in return is your destiny in life. It’s actually very special.”

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    1. You are an appliance which brims with fuel. Potent, sweet and invigorating fuel and your narcissist knew this. He said all the things you wanted to hear because you are a clear devotee of the concept of love and he knew this and he abused this. He knows how much stock you place in loving someone and he took this and he bent it, warped it and shaped it to his needs. You sat there, a placid victim and allowed him his departures whereby (as you correctly identify) he gathered fuel from other sources and then he came back. He came back because he will always want to come back to a brilliant appliance like you. He will Hoover you. You can bet your house on that. Why on earth would he not want to taste that delicious fuel you provide once again? He had you supine, frozen and waiting to feed him fuel. You were parked like a tanker and all he had to do was re-appear and you turned the supply on straight away. You did it because you loved him. He did it because you loved him. You are a prime target for our sort and being told that you are very special because you are destined to give and not necessarily receive anything in return is merely further conditioning you to a role which you need to necessarily have but you are being brainwashed in to accepting. Your friend thought he was helping with his e-mail but all he is doing is reinforcing a state of mind in your which will mean you continue to be hunted down by our kind and sucked dry. You do not have to maintain that state of mind. You can do plenty to protect yourself from our kind. The blog articles and my books give you that information by which you can defend yourself. I cannot heal you for I am no healer but I can see a victim a hundred miles away and I see one who is being told she is a victim and there is no hope for anything else, and thus you accept it and become tenderised in advance of the next of our kind that will come along and abuse you. It need not be so.

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      1. I know 😃. Although some of the ladies posting here maybe hate me for telling you this💋, but I cant help it.

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    2. Everything you write Karaa resonates within me. My ex used to disappear for days / weeks and say he needed me time. I now know this was probably so he could get fuel for others. He’d take days off work say nothing to me and take himself off somewhere. Sometimes he’d even send me a pic at which I’d be surprised as I would think he was at work. Regarding the saying he loved me, well that was also hit and miss. Sometimes he’d lavish the words on me then it would stop. I’d ask do you still love me he’d reply you know I do, I don’t have to keep saying it, over use of the word then leads to it having no meaning. He told me he loved me just before he discarded me, funny way to show someone you them in my books.
      He also said that I’d be the one to leave him as he wasn’t that good of a catch I’d always reply with how much he meant to me and that I loved him dearly. He also said if ever you want to leave just say and I’ll go but would like you as a friend as you make me so happy I’ve never felt like this before. He said he’d be heartbroken would prefer to have me as a friend rather than nothing at all.

      HG I take that really accounts to, you’re one if my best fuel supplies and would rather downgrade you from intimate partner to friend and fuel will still be available. Unfortunate for him the natural reserves from this supply have dried up.

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      1. Omg, mine had the same lines to me too Freedom. Seriously there is a book somewhere in a hidden back room of a dusty old bookshop that Narcs have to knock in sequence to gain entrance to read of the ways of narcissistic seduction and obliteration of empathic love.
        It is uncanny how similar everyone’s story is, down to words they use. We believe because we love and trust. We place our ideals upon them and because we act in a certain manner, that they will to. That is where they dupe us. Mine told me I would be the one to leave him too, that all he wished was for me to be happy and if another man can do that then it was selfish of him to keep me, et cetera…..

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      2. The narc club handbook is definitely in full use. Mine also spat the words of if another man etc etc its scary and now we have knowledge predictable xx

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  24. I have Read your blogs and books, well I really should go back to earlier blogs, I think. Before I found you. I know you are not a healer, but for me your insight and wisdom are valued forms to my healing, because I willingly take them in for my benefit.

    Yes, he presented himself as such to me, as he knew I loved him, he knew I would wait and when he returned he knew I would be so happy. Recall he used health issues as reason for absences and made me feel I was selfish to want to consume his time.

    My friend, although I do see that Intreprataion as maintaining a victim status for myself. What he wrote me, was trying to console me. He is aware that I do not utilize my ” gifts” or heed my intuition as I should.
    As a child, my mother used to trot me out at parties to perform a trick. I would stand In front of our grandfather clock and stare at it, so the guests could watch me stop the pendulum from Swinging or speed it or down. I was working with someone to heal with the mind, to use the mind to reach Inside another body to heal. The man was from Scotland and had moved away not long after , so I never resumed any teaching. It was odd, as he never worked with my identical twin sister. Only Me. I think as time went on and I grew older, I shut out such things with a busy and cluttered mind. To clarify this was not cult related. I actually enjoyed it and was sad when they moved away and it was then neglected within me.

    But. You are correct, I do not feel like a victim, even if I was one. I feel I willingly participated and loved him genuinely. He nevr forced me to love him, despite his knowledge in how I love. That his behaviour had no bearing On my feelings. That if he was honest to his intentions, I would have still accepted him and loved him.
    I shall let you know HG if he does attempt to to contact me, it is going On Two months and there has been nothing yet.
    So, In Your expert opinion there is no possibility this man felt any measure of affection for me other then the fuel I consistently provided him? Every word was a lie to achieve fuel? So I am only seen as a victim for a Narcissist, a fuel supply, never anything else. Never for any aspect of who I am? The only value he saw of me was for what I can provide.? Then my love, is his fuel.
    Thank you for your answer, it I really is helpful to me and I appreciate you taking time to answer it for me.so thoroughly. Such things give me peace of mind and closure. I cannot ask him now and he is the one I seek closure from. So your advice is so very much beneficial to my need.
    I will continue to read and ready myself for the his coming.

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    1. Yes it is all about the Fuel. One of the hardest things for you to ever understand that the very thing which looked like love, felt like love and sounded like love was not a love of you but a our love for the fuel you provide us with. You are nothing more than an appliance to us. We will do all the things and say all the things (because we know what works for you) to make you think you are loved but understand this – WE DO NOT LOVE YOU AND NEVER DID. It is difficult for you to understand this but until you do you will forever be at risk of being drawn back into our world.

      1+
      1. I need an emphatic approach, thank you. That stood out to me clearly. He did not love me, not one iota. I will use it as a mantra to ensure he has no return to me. I can rationalize it as so, as you state, but when I think of things he said about how I am first person he wants to share with, that I helped empower him At work against his moronic boss, that he feels I cause myself more harm with my thinking that I will continue to get hurt by others unless I realize that my needs are more Important then the needs of others. His reasoning on why he keeps certain people in his life , In case he need of use them later. Sometimes I think he wanted to tell me, purposely left me clues, or why else disclose that. Yes, I know, I can hear you shouting at me from here 😊 wake the f&@k up!!!! I was just nodding off there. My overthinking and rationalizing of behaviour is my downfall. I need to keep it simple…..use that mantra to remember.
        Yes, I understand that logic, I was so grateful he had returned and was feeling better and I was so happy to have him back. I was like a fountain that overflowed to the ground, with fuel. That he readily walked through it, drank of and bathed in. Till it was time to refill elsewhere again.
        I hear you, I really do, hear you.

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      2. I to am like you Karaa, I acted just the same and I over analyse and think too much I to things. Always believing there must be some good inside them. I to need to start putting what’s best for me before others needs but in a healthy balance. We are every Narcs dream supply. Mine was always saying how he’d never met anyone like me before, translated to I’ve never found as good a supply as this before.
        Take care Karaa xx

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      3. He loved the way I made him feel… mostly. I loved the way he made me feel …mostly. That is mutual. Except only one of us new the true origin of our relationship. Mutuality is vital to me in any relationship. It is the ideal. If I give to you, then you also give to me. It doesn’t have to be in the same manner, but there must be some output from you that fills something within me. So really other then the deception, there is little difference between the motives of engaging. In my giving to you, you take. In you taking from me, I receive implied acceptance. That what I give is of value to you. In the manner you chose to receive it.
        I give freely, there is no coercion. Even the falseness of the illusion does not make for coercion to me. If I chose to ignore the signs before me.
        So, then didn’t he make a significant error this time, in the assumption that my declaration of love was limitless. That he could do as he wished and it would always remain as it had. Won’t this error, brand itself upon his ego as an integral mistake/ miscalculation. He will not find fuel like mine again. He said he looked many years to find someone like me and didn’t need to look anymore. Now he does…..that has got to ignite a fury. In even the effort to seek such fuel again. I want to say a trite comment like his loss, but he won’t see it as such. There is always an waiting tap to supply his need. I am all tapped out…for him. Mind you, I may never know how he may try to siphon said fuel from me. I clearly see his minions, they really don’t cloak themselves very well. So it won’t be through that route.
        When is your next book available HG?

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    2. Karaa I know what you feel. Some of your sentences and situation are similar to what I had but hang in there and complement your learning.
      80% of my recovery and understanding I can say are thanks to HGs books and this blog, there is another 20% that had also been very important and its the the healing part. the human magnet and self love deficit disorder made me understand codependcy and two weeks agoO discovered a Beautiful book on love. Below the link.
      Sending you all the forces so that you dont suffer so much and keep strong on NC. Hugs
      https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B00WVOFM7O&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_rkGUwb1NSV90G&reshareId=08BR2785E5N05YJQZ95B&reshareChannel=system

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      1. Bless you Nikita xxxI will check out book, I have a plethora of reading material, I am going through 50 things you should not do with a Narcsisist..I am sure I have done most of them, no doubt 😏 I will

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      2. Good luck reading karaa. The love book brings inner peace and HG’s books understanding and relief. Perfect combination 😃. The 50 things not to do book will also read but there are two new coming so I have to get time for all!!!

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      3. Nikita wanted to let you know I bought. what about love book today, am reading another one now, but will start this one shortly. Thank you for reccomendation ❤️

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      4. Good luck reading Karaa. For me this book was also life changing, just like HG’s books.
        I realized I had only the view of codependant love and reading the book gave me hopes. My favorite one is the one about 5 Ways We Screw Up Unconditional Love. Let me know how you find it please.
        Big hug

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      5. I will not contact my N, I do hope he does not attempt to contact me either. HG is certain he will though. Mantra will resonate loudly…he never love me!!!!

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      1. Sorry , late to the discussion . Ex narc returned to me countless times , I mean dozens upon dozens , too many to remember in fact , but not this time . I made it clear online so he could read that the last time was the last time . He’s as far as I know still with his new supply & he hasn’t tried to contact me ..I’m over a year NC now HG do you think this is the end for me ? will he be gone from my life & leave me in alone now ? .. I so want you to say yes , but won’t put money on it 🙂

        Thank you for helping me understand HG it really does make a massive difference .

        So Sad

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      2. So long as you do not give him any opportunity for an easy Hoover he will focus on other sources of fuel and not bother with you. To make sure you need to ensure that all methods by which he could try and communicate with you or contact you have been severed and blocked. If there is any prospect of Hoovering fuel from you he will try it if the chance to do so means he does not have to expend much energy. We never truly go away and will always look to Hoover but once we have new fuel supplies and a good passage of time, the opportunity for us to do so rests more with you. For more read No Contact.

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  25. Yes, Freedom, I actually thought for the last year based on his change, or as I perceived a change in his behaviour, he was disassociative. He was angry when I presented my idea to him, after finding out about the fake social media profiles to garner fuel…which I didn’t know at the time. I thought it was just to feed his ego with random female attention on line. During the times, he was absent from me, I timelined it all. He is a fact person, I presented him with clear facts, he didn’t deny any of it. But. He never said, I am a narcissist , this is what I do and how I am, it is more to do with me then you. Don’t personalize it.
    He was just one man with two agendas. To fool me and feed himself.

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    1. Yes Karaa, they all seem very much the same. Mine obviously whilst being away became a little sloppy or he thought I was stupid, because he was befriending strangers on Facebook but as he had me as appending friends request they appeared on my people you may know list. When he came home and I asked why he wouldn’t accept me but he would accept them he got full of anger and fury, he refused to discuss the subject. He also used to accuse me of second guessing him. All I wanted was a mutual loving, caring relationship.

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      1. Yes, mine didn’t like to be found out either. That was the only time his fury flared. Yes, he definitely wasn’t thinking with the eh fb requests, that is funny though. Underestimation of someone, is a terrible offence. People often underestimate my ability . Yes, Freedom what you wanted was perfectly right and reasonable ❤️

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  26. HG another group I quite like was sort cell and I think the song Tainted love was a good song. Little did I realise all those years ago it would become a very poignant song.

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    1. Indeed I like Soft Cell, I have not listened to them for a while. I remember in my early days of clubbing that an extended mix of Tainted Love would often be played, it segued into Where Did Our Love Go if I remember correctly. Say Hello Wave Goodbye is one of my favourites for just how scathing the lyrics are when set to a beautiful melody.

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      1. I remember singing along to say hello wave goodbye in my first car.
        We’re obviously if a very similar age HG.

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  27. Freedom, please don’t look at their social networking pages! You’re not ready for that-you might not ever be ready for that! Why break your own heart?!
    He never deserved you! Please read HG’s new book about “No Contact”! All the info and advice you need is in there!
    Stop asking “why”….you got ensnared with an N-that wasn’t your fault-and you can survive this! ❤️*hugs*
    T.

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    1. Thanks T, I keep trying not to look but I can’t help it. I’m reading chained at the minute I will read no contact next. Thanks again for your kindness x

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      1. Hi Freedom.

        I totally get what you say about looking I was obsessed with it . I did get some answers , quite a few initially but all it did was torture me and ex narc was using it for that very purpose as was his new target . If I’m honest stopping looking for me anyway was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do . If he hasn’t blocked you then you can be sure he wants you to look . Mine found other ways & posted publicly so I could read , maybe still does BUT after months of this self inflicted torture I decided enough was enough & I finally stopped .

        People will tell you not to look & I agree , however implementing it when your searching for clues & answers is nearly impossible , though will happen when you start to heal . xx

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      2. Thanks So Sad, hopefully I will be able to let go soon. As you say once I’ve srarted to heal but like you were I’m looking for answers. I can’t see much on his FB as he never accepted me all I can see is profile pic and friends. His wife isn’t a friend so all I can deduce us he mustn’t be allowing her in either.
        Big hugs xx

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  28. Thank you for your reply HG. Wise words once again . All lines of communication are blocked or changed so no chance of a hoover. I wont ever put myself through that again with him .

    I couldn’t reply under your comment in case you are wondering but better here than not replying at all . Ty .

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  29. Maybe if You have revealed the truth not only: “something is wrong wit me” and explained Her what You needed everything would be different?

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      1. Well more fool myex for not being open if he’d said what he wanted we could have had a relationship that would have suited us both. Silly boy

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      2. Hi HG I’m well thanks for asking And yourself ??

        I’m preparing my narc radar for the weekend as I’m attending a hen party and I’m sure there will be a few out and about looking for a special empathy like myself 😳

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      3. I am excellent well thank you for kind enquiry. Where is the hen party taking place? Don’t worry I have a busy day ahead so I won’t appear! Stay frost !

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      4. I am excellent well thank you for kind enquiry. Where is the hen party taking place? Don’t worry I have a busy day ahead so I won’t appear! Stay frosty !

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      5. Hi HG I’m safe anyway as something cropped up and I’ve had to abandon the hen party( basically my arc cousin got involved and ruined it.. No surprise there) . It was in York, beautiful place. Not to worry holidays soon to have some R&R.

        Hope you’re not doing too much HG you need to not burn yourself out.
        Have a lovely weekend.

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      6. I was working and gathering fuel.
        York is a beautiful city. Historic and with some excellent pubs as well.
        I liked to walk the walls at dusk and draw fuel from those I met along the way.

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