Hiding from Yourself

Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me. I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions ; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence. I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to  now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being, I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”

“No.”

“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”

“No.”

I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.

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49 thoughts on “Hiding from Yourself”

  1. I wish you would talk to the doctor about that topic, hiding from yourself, and that you could drop your defenses and let the doctor in. That way you could both fight off the inner beast/creature, together. You have already said yourself that they want to help you, so what do you have to lose.. 😉 Take care, cheers.

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  2. I would say that is a very important part of your treatment isnt it ?
    I know its difficutl to speak about things that hurt. Its the same for codependants that have to go through childhood trauma. Super difficult to speak about . Takes mental preparation of months to be able to face those issues hard to talk about.
    For many people, I have noticed that its very difficult to speak about their flaws. We all have parts we dont like about ourselves and of course this is not nice to hear. As I have been in relationships with Narcissits the last 16 years of my life, I have heard over and over and over again the 3 of them seemed to agree on how forgetful I am, hyperactive on the weekends and in general inpuctual. After having read about personal growth when I separated from my 14 year long N marriage, One day I decided to really change the last two.
    Stop the excuses on being always late, blaming it on my full agenda, on my cultural background which is world wide know to be inpuctual ” mañana”…. accept how this annoyed the people and even how the people felt disrespected with this and thought about really how to change it.
    What I want to tell you is that until you dont accept the flaws in yourself you wont be able to change them. Its all over in every theory of personal growth and change. Can I encourage you to follow the good Dr.s intentions ?
    Is there not a way where you can talk about that without your construct being affected ? Is this the reason ? I suppose this is the reason ? Even if you know you have some very nice wonderful sides 🙂 🙂 . Like being so charming, so fascinating, such a good perfect writter, so funny, so elegant …….. etc etc etc etc ?
    .

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  3. It is good on your part to recognize they do indeed wish to help you, serve you, albeit they profit from doing such. In essence, you can profit as well, in knowledge of your self and ways to maintain and control certain aspects of self when required. See the signs within yourself and heed them. All the while obtaining glorious fuel.
    Does it matter, if others know who you are, or what their perception of you is? Does it not only matter what you know of yourself.

    Everything thing is based on perception, even of ourselves. If you asked anyone who I was they would said, sweet, kind , caring, compassionate, honest, loyal, faithful, supportive, just.and so forth. But do I see only these things in my self. No, not always. I see the other side of self as well. The sadness, that I can hide from others view. The frustration or anger at expectations and lack of appreciation placed on me. The worry and doubt that can consume me. The nightmares and inability to sleep most often.

    They see my smile, but not my sorrow. Because I can hide it. It is mine, it serves no purpose to show them, as it will only bring them worry, doubt and sadness too. Some in my inner circle know all this, but I am speaking of the masses. So, who others perceive us to be, is Simply who we show them we are. No one else has the true picture, but us.

    When becoming angry at what others perceive you to be, perhaps, release all that negative emotion you feel and recognize, what others think can only harm you, if you allow it to. Think on who you know yourself to be. No one can change us. But ourselves. If we perceive no reason to change, then so be it. I seek change always, if I recognize a need in myself that would benefit from change. But, I seek to change no other person. I strive to accept them as they are. If they hurt me, then I must remove myself from them. But, that doesn’t change my perception of them through my hurt. If I have the understanding to know why they hurt me. To separate a person from their behaviour. That is the key. We are not out illness or our behaviour. We are simply the all encompassing knowledge of self. Whether we live in denial of self or acceptance of self.
    Anyways, that is my philosophy on the topic.
    Btw what was the photo you chose to look at in your doctors office, to distract your mind from questioning?

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  4. The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not abe to be treated. I always wonder if my ex’s Psychotherapist can see what I saw and knows just what he has sitting in front of him playing the victim. I would soooo love to know. He is a very experienced professional but she is a very, very experienced Narc.

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    1. That is correct Mandy, it is untreatable. Only through willingness to understand oneself and a genuine desire to change behaviours, can something be gained.
      HG you are not there for treatment Persay, you are there as a means to collect a greater goal for yourself. Correct?

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      1. Would you really cease to exist or transform? Seems like you’re more afraid of yourself than your victims, maybe? 😛

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  5. Who you are is just a narc, a con artist, a fraudster etc if that changes you are nothing? Or do you not have the courage to be anything else?

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      1. Heeyy now!! I thought you loved talking about yourself? Would you really, REALLY cease to exist? Logically? Do you believe you do not have the strength to survive the good docs questions about who you are?

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      2. Of course I like talking about myself D but I do not like to contemplate the very thing that would cause me to cease to exist. I can handle the good doctors, they are just trying to push me to deal with things that I do not want to deal with because I do not have to deal with them.

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  6. So in other words, the answer is no, you do not have the strength to survive the good docs questions about who you are. Wow, some god you are… :/

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  7. Unpleasant? You’re staring to sound regular H G! Just when I thought you could face anything 😛

    What would be unpleasant about it? Is it coming to terms with guilt? Accepting you’re human? Do you have a fear of abandonment?

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    1. Guilt? What’s that? I know I am human albeit an ubermensch. Do I fear abandonment, no I do the abandoning although I am mightily offended if someone gets in first. It would be unpleasant having to contemplate in such a discussion my eradication. For someone like me that is not something I find easy to do.

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  8. I was wondering if the little monster/beast/dragon inside yourself that you’re afraid of, has anything to do with facing guilt?
    I wonder why you would be eradicated instead of transformed?
    Is it because you don’t have a strong sense of who you are, due to being completely dependant on other people’s reactions/fuel?

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  9. Question (I’m inquisitive as you may have gathered.)
    Picture this scenario.
    Alone at home for 24 hours, no phone, no internet connection, no contact from the outside world, you can not leave the house (we don’t need to think of why you can’t leave the house, you just can’t because I say so! It’s my hypothetical.)
    How do you make it through the day? What thoughts would be running through your mind?

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      1. …..so now that we have established it’s a “yes.”
        You’re butt hurt and in need of fuel.
        I offer exactly a 5 second hug. No more no less.

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  10. You may be a narcissist, but I think you are doing something very good here with your blog and helping a lot of people. I do not think you are a bad person at all, although I can’t get too many others in the narc-abuse community to read your stuff. I wish people would be more open-minded. I’ve learned as much if not more from you, Sam Vaknin, and the folks on the NPD board at psychforums than I have from some people in the victim community, who don’t recognize that narcissists became that way because to not do so hurt too much. I see NPD as a emotional prison, not a one way ticket to hell.

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    1. Your phrase “emotional prison” is completely apt.
      Thank you for your kind comments and your endeavours to spread the word. It is understandable that some people will close their minds to what is on offer. Some people remain raw and hurt and reading my brutal truths would most likely do more harm than good. They need to advance further before embracing my writings. I understand that and others have commented as such. Others fail to see the true value they gain from reading the perpetrator’s perspective and instead would rather engage in ad hominem attacks or just not be interested because of who I am. Again, that is understandable if narrow-minded and they are denying themselves some useful knowledge but so be it, their issue, not mine. You can learn about crime from a criminal, a victim or a police officer. The most effective approach would be to engage with all three, but some people would rather spend their time flinging mud than engaging with somebody who might offer knowledge that can help them. Yes I do terrible things, we all know that, feel free to remind me and tell me again how despicable I am, I have heard it all before and will again and it is all fuel, but then move beyond that and see what use you can make of such interaction. I am pleased to write that the vast majority of commenters here engage in an open-minded manner, sharing their experiences, wanting to ask questions to aid their understanding, engage in some good-natured jousting and sometimes to get things off their chest. I like that and I respect such commenters here, such as yourself, for embracing it in that manner. I actually (with the help of the good doctors) wrote down, when I started this work, 5 rules I would adhere to in respect of the work that I do, in order to make it worthwhile for me and for the commenters. I have abided by those rules (sometimes it has been hard) but I do recognise that such adherence has been constructive. Thanks for your post.

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      1. It hurts to read many of your posts HG because of the truth behind them, BUT as mixed up as my head still is every single one takes me a step closer to understanding why I’m so mixed up That can only be a good thing . It is a good thing .. Ty as always.

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  11. I would cut you off from everything for one week in solitary confindment. Would you end up a crazed man. Beyond the place of no return? Would you scratch out your eyes? Perhaps you would fight the demon all by yourself. Don’t you think you would be considered a coward to use others to fight the demon.
    Do you think that you and your kind are soul serial killers?
    I am so fascinated that you know what you are and you know it isn’t right but yet you continue. Wired wrong, short circuit brainwaves, a lemon in a beautiful body. You write about the monster you are compared to “normal”.
    Can you could still be a narcissist and not destroy others?
    You prey on the weak. I am weak, I admit this. But the factors that played into my being vulnerable at the time of my encounter with one of your kind was not the norm for me. This is why it was short lived and he

    So perhaps you do not have any control of anything. As everything else in your life, you are a lie to yourself. Hmmm

    You know I am in like with your nerve to smile in thinking I have no clue. Perhaps. But then again I buy your books, I read your blogs. I am your fan.

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    1. Hello Stephanie, being cut off for a week in such circumstances would be a tortuous experience indeed. Would I end up crazed? I do not know for sure. I do not think so but I would be severely weakened and subjected to the torments of the creature which would push me to a place I would rather not go near. I wouldn’t scratch out my eyes, no.
      Am I a coward to use others to fight the demon. I am sure some will say yes, but I regard it as simply playing to my strengths. If there are means of achieving my aims which utilise others then I shall avail myself of that opportunity.
      Am I a soul serial killer, yes I suppose I am.
      I continue because I have no option other than to do so.
      Can I still be what I am and not destroy others? That remains to be seen but past performance indicates the chances are slim. I would point out that I do not destroy because we always want to be able to come back to you.
      The question of control is indeed an interesting one. I exert control over everything around me yet I am subject to the control of what I am which drives me in the way that it does. I suppose however this raises the question of are we all just a product of our environment or do we actually exert free will?
      Thank you for continuing to read and raise your questions, it is appreciated.

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  12. What people tend to forget is Narcissists have brain deficits. They can’t be healed or cured. This is why they lack empathy and conscience.

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  13. “Who are you?” is very hard question to anyone. It invites to swim in a deep water and this isn’t a pleasant journey at all. Deep water deals with very deep emotional level. Deep water means “time of truth”. Deep water means pain. People are afraid of this question, because they are afraid of pain.

    Narcs have a lot of hidden pain, plus they operate with painful emotions on a constant base (jealous, envy, abandonment, neglect, etc), and that’s why they avoid to swim in a deep water with you. They fight with their pain every single day, they are fed up with it, and now you invite them with your “who are you” question to meet this pain again! They want a painkiller from you (admiration, adoration, etc.), not an additional pain. Of course, the painkiller is not a problem solver. To get rid of pain, you have to deal with its cause.

    But the “swimming in a deep water” tactic is the best detector of Narc personality. I would dare say, it is the single reliable tactic to detect a Narc for sure. Invite them to swim there and then watch the fascinating performance of evasiveness. Of course, you have to be familiar with this “deep water” personally, but I guess that many empaths have this quality due to the constant self-analyze and self-blame.

    It doesn’t matter whether your blog story real or not, but what you are doing with yourself publicly deserves profound respect and admiration. You definitely have a steel balls, Tudor.

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