Love Thieves

Our victims have many things in common. Those shared traits are why they are chosen and why they become subjected to our incessant manipulations. The evidence of considerable empathic traits is of course one of the pre-requisites to gaining the attention of the narcissist. Exhibit a tendency to care, an ability to see another person’s point of view and a desire to help and you are issuing a neon-lit “Come and get me” to our kind. Your high-scoring on the empathic scale is naturally of considerable value to us. There is, however, another core principle that you all share which is irresistibly attractive to us. This is your devotion to love. You believe in love, you are advocates of the act of loving, you give love and (although not always) you want to be loved in return. Love is all you need, love conquers all and love is a many splendored thing. Love matters. You see that the world can and will be a better place if more love is exhibited. You love with a depth that is beyond many people. You truly give your all. Your love is perfect, selfless and based on a deep-seated notion that loving someone is the best and most wonderful thing one person can do for another. Such noble and laudable sentiments. Your status as a devotee to love means that you will strive to maintain that love once it has been gained. Love may give the appearance of having departed but you know, you believe, you always believe that it can be found and resurrected. That which has become dulled and blunted will be polished and returned to sharpness. That beautiful golden glow will shine again and you are the person to make it happen. You are the healer and the fixer. That which is broken shall be mended by the application of your burgeoning heart. You are a disciple of love and as such there is nothing you can do but act in accordance with the principles of loving. It is second nature to you. You are so full of love you must find ways of allowing it to manifest in the world and of course the pinnacle of doing so is to find that special someone. You want to find the one so that all of this marvellous love can find its true home. You are compelled to find your soul mate, your life partner and your best friend. Only then can your obligation to provide this amazing love be fulfilled and we thank you for being this way. On a daily basis we give thanks that you delicious and beautiful empathic individuals are committed to the promotion, promulgation and practice of love.

We come with the appearance of being that one special person who you can lay all your love upon. That person who will readily accept all of the love you have to offer and we will return it. Some of you would happily give this love in order to ensure there is an elated recipient and amazingly it would not matter to you whether that love was returned or not. Your sacrificial nature is stunning yet even more welcome. We are of course content to reflect your love in order to bring about yet more from you. We understand the transaction and we are happy to oblige because we are giving you absolutely nothing. We have come to take. We have descended on you ready to strip you of every ounce of love that you can provide. We will slurp it from you, nibble it from your straining frame and gulp it down as we devour your love. We will take it away from you time and time again. Do not be mistaken and think that you are providing this love based on a reality. You are doing so on a false premise. You have been conned into giving this love to us because we make you think we are the very thing you want when in reality we are anything but. We are fraudsters and we have come to take your love. If you knew what we truly were you would not offer your perfect love to us but we want it. We want it so much and we always take it. We make you unknown martyrs to the provision of love. We come without warning even though we appear with an explosion, all of it aimed to distract and misdirect so that we may pilfer your love. Our thieving knows no limits or bounds as we take what does not belong to us and use it for our own warped purposes. We keep on stealing your love until you are left spent and wretched, sat amidst the ruins of the relationship which once seemed impregnable and infinite and now is little more than ash streaked across blunted stone. We gorge on your love, gluttons that feed at the banqueting table as you slowly realise that the sumptuous love we appeared to return to you is in fact empty, a puff of air and without any substance. Yet this realisation comes far too late for by then the damage is done. Not only have we helped ourselves to all of your love we have, invariably ripped away and stolen your capacity for further love. Once you finally extricate yourself from our grip and eventually make sense of what has happened to you, even though it may take some considerable time, how often have your kind uttered the sentence,

“I do not think I will ever love any again, how can I after that?”

Words similar to such a question are regularly uttered by those who have been sucked into our malevolent maelstrom. We are the love thieves. We come and take the love to which we are not entitled but we are not done with that. Oh no. We rip out your heart in order to leave you so bereft that you can never love again. We steal your love. We are the love thieves of your past, your present and your future love.

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67 thoughts on “Love Thieves”

  1. ” The Prince of darkness, is a gentleman” ….William Shakespeare

    ” Love is merely a madness ” Willima Shakepeare

    Love makes the world go round, love makes my heart sing…..the references are limitless. Like love, itself.
    I actually think accepting someone is even better then loving them. Well, acceptance , respect and love…..a perfect triangle for an empath.
    Yes, for me it was the ideal of finding a love that matched my own. To have spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical synchronicity. It was the spiritual Union I most sought. He is of me and I am of him.
    ” What ever are souls are made of, his and mine are the same” Emily Bronte
    The ying and the yang. The twin flame, two beings and one soul. The one who will be teach me the lesson I need to learn In this lifetime. Or the lesson I need to teach him to ascend this worldly realm. It isn’t always about the romance, it is about the pureness of connection in spirit. Love is a wonderful bonus to such a connection. I do not solicit love, it comes to me and I embrace the wounded, the passionate, the dreamers, the ones with love to sell. The lesson are all the same, I am failing to learn.

    If such love, as it is not and is presented to me, was given as it really is, I would have still welcomed him. Because he was honest with me and yes, it wouldn’t be my perfect love , but it would be real In What it was, and what we shared …. would it not? Instead of fake, In the pretense of what it isn’t. It wouldn’t then be romance, or mutually love based, but to say I couldn’t accept someone different then me is false. If that someone is honest In their intentions and I choose to accept that condition then so be it. Mutuality is established. A relationship is forged on mutual needs. I can meet the needs of another if they allow me to do so honestly. It is when it is falsely taken from me under the guise of love and honor and trust. The dynamic becomes troublesome for me.

    My capacity to love is endless, it can never be destroyed by someone , other then myself. Same goes for the other end of emotion, hate. No one but myself can fuel a hate within me. I do not hate, I will always love. If the goal is to rob the empath of her capacity to love , so that she can experience the depth of emotional despair, you feel inside. It may work, in the short term, while she rationalizes the maelstrom that has hit her. But, her beacon for love is ever shining, even when she feels the light has dimmed.
    This is a timely post for me today, it has been weighing heavily upon my mind and soul.
    I still chose love, regardless of the from it takes. To not do so, deprives me even more so. Maybe I should now question what actually is my need in love? I know where it stems from. I know where my acceptance of others comes from. I know what I want. Is he out there? that I do not know. But, If he isn’t then I am happy to wait. I will wait till the end of this life and well Into the next. Time is of and then not of the essence.
    Wonderful food for thought HG.

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    1. As it is still very early in my own recovery, I am left feeling at this moment in time that I don’t really know what ‘normal’ love is. How do I love less and not give so much. I don’t feel that I want to.

      I can only love with my heart, body and soul. My connection to my ex Narc felt so right. For me it was a total bonding – an unconditional love that nothing she did could ever break – and like you all I mean NOTHING! I have no boundaries at all.

      I know why I feel like this but it is still early days for me. The Co-dependant me does not really know anything else at all and I am still in love with what I thought I had and who i thought she was. She was the love of my life. My darling and ‘my chicken’.

      Knowing now that nothing was real at all is the hardest and most bitter pill to swallow, but swallow it I will – one day (sometimes one minute) at a time.

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      1. It is almost dizzying feeling, akin to exiting a roller coaster. Just because the other person didn’t love us, doesn’t mean our love as wasted. If we loved genuinely. It just want appreciated by the other person as we were not to know they did not value love as we do.
        You mean much, just not to that one person. Do not allow their inability to love you back define your worth in love. They are a mismeasurement on the love scale. I agree, it is very difficult to rationalize all this. I cannot express how much HG s books and this blog and the other readers have opened up my eyes and mind to a new reality for me. I wish my N had the courage to reveal all that HG does here, imagine the relationship dynamics then.

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      2. Mandy there is an e book. What is love by Thomas G Fiffer I found has a very good insight about what normal love is.

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  2. By all accounts this should be true for many that suffer a discard from your…and if I was not forged in such a dichotomy of love during my childhood, I may not be able to ever wish to believe in such a notion again. To those of us with childhood trauma (aka as co dependency and your ultimate fuel) Your kind give us a taste of what real unconditional love can be. I realize it is false, but once we have experienced such a connection and support as you initially, and intermittently give, we know it exists. The love we have always longed for.
    We recognize that someone with such pain in their past may not be able to consent to give of such an emotion, but we know that, in truth, you seek it just as we do. To be adored, loved, honoured, respected and cherished unconditionally..just as a healthy emotionally intelligent parent would have given us.
    We are indeed spent, and broken often, throughout the toxic dance, we call our relationship. Many of us in different ways.
    I found love after such intense love and heartache from my son. He filled me with something that I had never experienced. I wanted nothing more than to share this feeling with him as he grew. It far surpassed any love, inclusive of that during the “dance” that I had ever known. It gave me hope. It gave me strength and worth. I found my heart again, as I fell in love with him as he grew inside me and I felt consumed by my ability to cherish this little precious being I had created.
    In time, I ventured out again. Only to be hurt many more times. Each time I get back up and decide that eventually I’d like to try again. I still wish, for that which I have always wished for. To give and receive love from a partner. I have always longed to grow old together surrounded by loved ones. Many of the things stated in this post.
    I have found that the problem does not truly lie with your kind. It is within myself, that I must heal my own wounds and deep seated traumas. To learn to love myself and seek that which brings me joy. For I have the ability and true desire to love others, this I have proven 10 fold to myself, it is simply myself that I lack the love for. This lack has been and will remain until I seek help from others; also something I am unaccustomed to doing.
    Loving my son has helped me to learn to make better choices for myself and for him.
    My lessons and healing, truly will not be completed until I learn to choose me and release the love I have for the broken other “little boys” I grew to know that I have had in my life; aka my partners.
    This extends to other n’s in my life, that I have loved their inner child, as well as their “ideal adult” they struggle to maintain with ease. The adult I seldom see, for once I have witnessed the child within and it’s pain, it is what I hold on to, every time the needs of the beast appear. I’m working on letting go of all of this, so that I may work on my inner child and slowly, with hope in my heart, find the love I have found to exist within myself, but this time it will be for me. Then and only then will I be free to seek it outwardly, once more. I cannot think of a better pure motivation than for my son to learn that he is loved and deserves it unconditionally, without fear of giving of himself fully. Just as it should be.
    Your teachings help more than you can ever imagine ❤

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    1. Unconditional love for a child and for ones self, are paramount. You have succeeded, Crystal. I too see and love and Hold the child within another. It is one of many reasons why I didn’t leave my N. Your love will raise a boy to a man who understands the value of love, giving and receiving it.

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  3. Absolutely perfect description of the dynamic. Thank you for another insightful post. The rawness that I initially felt reading your material is slowly subsiding and bringing me toward an acceptance I’ve longed for. For that, I thank you.

    When it was all over…I told him as such, his taking and thieving of a heart given so freely under false pretenses. He gave me an answer that amounted to word salad but insisted he did, in fact, love me. Why? Of course, everything he did in those few interactions before I went NC was brutal and confusing…and ice cold.

    What does the N think when the empath calls him out for all of the fraud? You admit fraud freely…so you CAN see it? Do all N’s consciencely perpetuate this fraud?

    What about “tells”? Those seemingly purposeful hints dropped throughout the relationship that provide clues of malevolent intentions and evil nature. What’s the purpose behind that?

    I will love again. I am love.

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    1. Hi Bethany, thanks for letting me know you found the post insightful. We know we are fraudsters but you had better not say as such to us. If you do then you are criticising us and this will ignite our fury with consequences for you. With regard to the tells, well, these are instances where less developed narcs are struggling to keep the construct in place and their true nature appears if only for an instant. In more developed narcs this part of the game playing in order to provoke a reaction from you. Do not think that this is some attempt at seeking absolution by telling the truth for once. We know the truth but we always twist and deny it.

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      1. The levels of awareness vary. So of the lesser of our brethren just act because that is what they are programmed to do. They have no awareness of what they are really doing nor why but they know they must act in this way. Those of us who have a greater awareness know full well what we do and eventually, as I have, we begin to understand why we do these things and why we must do those things. Certain acts are instinctive to me although I now know why I do them.

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  4. Its a very very good post as always HG. the first part resonates totally with me. Love is everything to me. I think I can even compare it to your fuel. ❤️⛽️. I cant imagine a life without giving love. Not only romantically but to the meaningful people in my life and even to those in need and who have nothing.
    Its true when you say we thought we received love. i also have to work those words into my mind ” we never loved you 😢”.
    i still think I can fall in love again and love with all my heart again… Im still hoping to find somebody I can love with all my heart but this time who also love me back…
    One thought does still turn in my head
    If I will be ever able to love somebody so much and so intensely like I loved him… And if there will ever be somebody that will make me feel that joy and that high like I felt with him,combined with love.
    The love book I recently read says that the euphoria and the high is not love but the feeling that will helplessly turn into being decieved and dissapointed. I really askmyself if both true love and euphoria and high are exclusive and I will have to sacrifice one to get the other one 2.
    Whtever the answer to my last question is, I do dream about finding true love. If I have to choose I believe true love is more rewarding.
    Time will tell .

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    1. All things are possible if we maintain hope and faith. Well, not the love of a narc, but forgiveness is an important step to healing and receiving love. You will find true love, Nikita, it is In you to give and to have.

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      1. Thank you karaa. You too. Hope we all will somewhen ❤️👍🏻
        I strongly believe that HG’s books plus self love will bring us further like crystalempath mentioned.

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    2. You are so right Nikkita, thank you. The penny has finally dropped for me. Being two halves of the same coin, I have a yearning need inside of me to give as much as HG needs to take. I need to love as desperately, and to the point of total insanity, as hard and as much as HG needs to fill
      himself with my luscious, high calibre fuel.

      I have no boundaries at all and certainly no boundary called self-respect that will save me from this and force me to stop giving this love. There is no mountain that I would not have climbed in order to have done so. It does not matter at all if it is not reciprocated, it does not matter if I am told I am hated, I will continue to love unconditionally, because I cannot change how I feel under any circumstances. I have a need, and it is as great a need as HG and his kind have, but for a very different ‘supply’.

      I need as much therapy as HG – maybe more. My need to continue to love unconditionally in a war zone, where I am being torn to shreds, my mental health is suffering, my emotions and the pain I am in is heightened to the point where I do things that I have done and said made me feel that I didn’t know who I was or what the hell I had become any longer. When the screws were tightened really hard on me, to the point of bursting, and every form of provocation was being paraded in front of me in order to get a response from me, I continued to love -unconditionally!

      Is that love? It’s more than love and If HG has a personality disorder, then I, the other side of the same coin, have one too.

      Empath / Co-dependent me needs to get some good professional help
      for my addiction (disease) and wake up and smell the roses before I am too old for gardening.

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  5. But in my heart I do still believe that I will be able to love a man and also feel that euphoria while my needs will also be met (true love).
    I wonder if I ask too much. The author of the love book says that at 48 he found true love and hapiness but I deduce it does not include the high and euphoria felt in a relationship with an N like his two ex wives.
    HG would a book of love be of your interest? Im curious… Just like a book of revenge will be of mine although I dont feel revenge and hate?

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    1. Do you mean would I be interested in reading a book about love or writing one? I am content to read one about love as then it will give me further ammunition to enable me to mimic what it is. As for writing one, well, I can do that too although it really ought to be called Love Fraud.

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      1. 😂😂😂 reading it I meant. I dont think you can fake true love.. You could but not for long. It would not be anymore all about you then.
        Maybe its a good idea. You write a book on how narcissist fake love. We would all find our exes in your book I suppose.

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      2. I guess both. You write how you faked love with each one of your exes and we find it to be the same how our exes faked love with us. Its always the same as you follow the same book. I still remember when you wrote about the scented scarf followed by the poem. I had exactly the same. And in many ocassions that I read you… Was exactly the same at my side. You did not mention what came after the poem.. For me was a steiff teddy bear
        By the way you said once to somebody on the blog you would write a book about all your exes. So love Fraud could be it.

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      3. Pseudo Love, the forgery and the imposter. Narcissistic love, the other side of the mirror. Breaking the Looking Glass. The titles are endless on this one. When do you title your books, before you write them or following?

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      4. Hello darkness, my old friend,
        I’ve come to talk with you again,
        Because a vision softly creeping,
        Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
        And the vision that was planted in my brain
        Still remains
        Within the sound of silence.

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  6. Your writing brings about so much closure. My EXN told me, “If a shark bites you once, he will bite again…” and it was last I recall…little things you say…that tells an entire story. Keep writing. Whether to claim your own fuel, you do provide others a sense of relief. It’s kinder than you can ever imagine. – S

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  7. ……HG’S writing has brought me so much closure….and a HUGE sense of relief! Keep writing, HG! I do believe you have saved many lives!

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  8. I had a similar thought when you posted CATFISH … I recently posted a profile online…. Not because I necessarily wanted or thought I am ready to date, but I needed a “mindshift” if you will, to get my N out of my head….
    While the first date didn’t warrant a second, for a whole afternoon, N was nowhere to be found in my head…. As the weeks have gone on, I realized the second thing this profile has provided me with is HOPE. It feels amazing to be able to HOPE for a future with someone, to HOPE that there is someone out there who will feel what I feel, HOPE that I will find love again…
    My exact parting words to my N were: ” i truly hope you can find love one day, because it’s f’ing amazing and everyone should be able to experience it.”

    I doubt he ever will, but you know what? I can. And will.

    Thank you HG, I’m ready to move on 🙂
    Xx
    Lisa

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  9. May I ask….Do you believe through therapy you can understand the cognitive techniques on transferring your need for fuel into other platforms, such as your writing? And do you ever believe that you will want to experience love, vs fuel or adrenline-rush love, which of course, weathers pretty quickly? Would you ever consider a Q & A book written jointly? You have caught my attention and I actually wanted my ExN to do it, but he thought I was out of my mind to ask….bc I had the problem…he didnt…of course…but we both did…at least I admitted it.

    Anyhow, if ever interested in this. Please do let me know. Royalties etc can be discussed. It’s just something I’ve wanted to do. Its just hard to find someone who is as honest as you…

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    1. The issue of my need for fuel being replaced by other means is something that some readers have posed to me privately. It has been touched on by the good doctors also. I do not see how it can happen. I have been created to gather fuel. I have been made in a way whereby not only do I need fuel, I have been created so that I am in the optimum position to harvest it. That is what I have been built for and if I was to even try to change that I would no longer be who I am.
      With regards to a book, I do have a book addressing FAQs about the narcissist in progress which not only will prove interesting but will also save me repeating myself! As you know, I am always looking for ways of efficiency. I am of course amenable to hearing about any platform whereby I can broadcast my views and therefore perhaps you would expand on the intended subject matter of the book and what you would write about and what I would write about.

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  10. “And it feels like I am just too close to love you. There is nothing I can really say. I can’t lie no more. I can’t hide no more. Got to be true to myself..” (Too Close by Alex Clare).

    I believe that song is about a discard. I really dig it, but it hurts too. Not for myself. For the target.

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  11. I enjoy the image that was used for this piece, the T cup ready for the left hand and the symbolism of the bird – free and able to perch on minute edges, fully knowing by nature, that in an instance they have the ability and need to traverse the skies. At first glance the small drip underneath the heart can give life to the illusion that the love has been taken from the cup, theived, robbed, stolen — however, when the trajectory is in itself unconditional love, freedom, one can see the abundance of such dripping from the heart, to which the morning bird is giving to and leaving with the T. I have noticed over the last week that your writing has evolved, has taken on a gentler tone and is shining light on a more authentic self.

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    1. Do you think that ‘real love’ for whatever it is, is what an Empath or a Co-dependant feels HG? I question this and do wonder if I know the answer.

      The strength and depth of the love I felt for my ex Narc felt like some addicts describe their addiction. If an N does not know love, do we, as opposite sides of the same coin, know it either?

      I think back and remember only loving her harder and deeper with every passing day.
      If I was asked why, and what it was that was soooo wonderful about her that I so admired and cherished, my honest answer is nothing. It was the first six months of our relationship that I always yearned to return to and the person I thought that she was back then, before I learned differently.

      I feel like an alcoholic, battling to leave the bottle of brandy in the cupboard alone. An addiction that has only brought me financial ruin, pain and misery. But I still ‘love’ her. Do l? What the hell do I miss? I just don’t know. It does feel like an addiction to me.

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      1. I don’t know because my concept of love is different from yours. You of course have been conditioned to regard love in a certain way. This is done mainly to sell movies, flowers, chocolates and Valentine’s cards. What I can say is that we create an addiction in you when you become entangled with us. You think you are in love with us but truly what you have done is become addicted to us.

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  12. Nikita, mine sent me poetry all the time and teddy bears, the first one was a small white steiff bear too, to replace the one I lost when I was a child. To be honest it was the best gift he gave me, as he based it on sentimentality xx

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  13. We become in love with the idea of being in love. We become addicted to the false ideal of love that the N represents themselves to be. We happily, helplessly and haplessly fall into that love…that spell…that web.

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  14. My ex narc is definitely a love thief. He allowed me to believe his intentions were true even when I said let’s just keep it friends he pushed those boundaries, promising his intentions were nothing but true.
    I still love, but bestow my caring empathic love on people and animals who truly need it and would never fake it. Romantic love well I’m not too sure on that at the moment.

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  15. HG yes we do fall in love and its called codependant love where I submitt to you and put my needs behind yours. Its not the classical definition of love but its “love”. It either becomes an attachment where the relationship becomes then really unhealthy, hurtful towards both sides until it breaks apart or it ends up by the codependant partner leaving with a broken heart before it becomes turbulent. Both very unhealthy.
    This is why codependants we first need to learn to love ourselves and then involve in healthy love.
    The book I read describes it as
    Giving inner peace, where you can be yourself and feel accepted, where you can easily accept your partners flaws and commitment. Love creates a sense of peace, security, and stability. Love is sustainable. Intensity is not.

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    1. We do accept people like they are Freedom but the author refers that it is love when it comes from the two people and all together. So feel in peace, accept flaws and that yours are accepted, both commit.
      Its only love when it involves both else its not love but something else.
      Hugs

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  16. When I read HG’s books, ‘Seduction’ and then ‘Ensnared’ I was cold
    with horror and deja vu. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. Some of the lines the narc says in Seduction, I actually remember hearing from my ex. Also so much of what poor Peter says and does in Ensnared I did too. The part where Peter and his reputation has gone through the mill and back, but is still trying to hold on to his lovely wife, the narc, even after they have separated and she has ensnared another empath she likes to goad him with, was me! Even after everything Peter said ‘lets go on holiday’ Just like I did.
    This horror story if ever there was one.

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  17. “If you knew what we truly were you would not offer your perfect love to us but we want it”.

    Perhaps, the initial knowledge of who you TRULY are (provided personally by Narc in the beginning of relationship) might have the quite opposite effect. Don’t underestimate empaths… In that case, your chance to meet the “one” becomes more real.

    “We come and take the love to which we are not entitled…”.

    Why on earth not entitled, Tudor?
    Do you know what hides inside of Narc? I bet, you do. Human with a lot of painful and bleeding wounds…

    What are the first questions do you have in mind seeing those wounds? “How could he/she live having all of this? Why did he/she not give up having all of this?”

    And answers are very simple – because of his/her internal strength, because of his/her powerful desire to live, because he/she is a warior. Someone weak would end his/her life (alcohol, narcotics, suicide), but not this person standing in front of you. Not this warior.

    And this is very enough entitlement to get respect and love. For who you really are. Not for various achievements, but for THAT amazing strength and desire to continue to live no matter what. But you have to show these wounds and then empath will do his/her job. It will be absolutely different level of relationship, based on truth and trust, and at this time the empath’s admiration and love will be genuine.

    Easy to say, but hard to do. Alas.

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