After the Storm Has Passed

After the storm has passed you will no doubt be sat one hand raised to your head, still numb with shock and a bewildered expression on your face. Where on earth did that come from? You were experiencing blue skies and a golden hot sun which blazed brilliantly in the sky. All was calm, no wind, not even a breeze as you enjoyed this beautiful weather. Everyone was happy and seemingly content. You had only minutes earlier checked to see if you could see dark clouds on the horizon, a gathering storm, but there was nothing to be seen in whichever direction you happened to look. Out of nowhere it arrived. Now as you sit amidst the destruction you play back in your mind what happened which appeared to cause the storm to appear with terrifying ferocity. Enjoying the warmth of the golden sunshine you suggested that you would cook a steak since we enjoyed the one you cooked this time last week so much. You enjoy making delicious meals for us. You are good at it and you like to show how you care about us by ensuring we enjoy our food. It was a simple and innocuous suggestion and surely a fair and logical one. We commented about how good that steak was when we sat down to dine last week so it made sense to do it again surely? Yet as soon as you made the suggestion you heard the words which signalled that the storm was about to erupt.

“I don’t like steak. I don’t want steak. You should know this by now. I want lasagne. I told you that earlier on but you never listen to what I have to say do you? Oh no, what I say is not important enough for you to pay attention to. You never do what I want, always what you want to do. I am sick of it. You are so damn selfish and I have had enough.”

None of this made any sense but you were not given any time to consider the veracity or otherwise of what we had said. Already the wind had got up and was whipping around you, pulling at your clothes and sweeping through your hair. The sky darkened as it became filled with ominous black clouds. You felt the first heavy drop of rain on your face,or was it a tear, you somehow cannot seem to remember. This always happens. You feel punch drunk afterwards and your ability to recall the precise detail of what happened seems to have been affected. The deluge began as a torrent of rain lashed down, driven by the powerful gusts of wind that now tore through your environment. Lightning flashed, great jagged forks which rent apart the churning black clouds followed by the terrifyingly loud thunderclaps which made the ground shake. You seem to recall us continuing to shout at you but you cannot remember what was said for the noise of the whirling wind was too great or was that us making such galeforce winds. Again,although it was only moments ago you find yourself struggling to remember exactly. Hailstones the size of golfballs began to hammer down on to you, forcing you to curl up into a ball inorder to try and shield yourself from the onslaught.You had no time to run to a shelter. You never do. The unpredictable and sudden nature of these storms always meant you were caught in the open, exposed to the full range of elements. The temperature dropped and you remained curled up, shivering with cold or was it fear? Sodden and frightened as the whirlwind continued. You lifted your head and through the sheets of rain you saw the destruction raging through your home as the whirlwind began to smash and destroy. Holes were punched in walls, crockery smashed, books ripped open, curtains torn down as this violent vortex damaged and demolished. You cried out begging the storm to stop but your pleas were like those of a child and could not be heard over the furious storm which raged about you. You curled up tighter, willing it to pass, as the sounds of destruction continued, mixed with the howling wind, the lashing of the rain and your own fearful sobs.

Suddenly it stopped. The noise and the fury was gone. You waited lest it was just the eye of the storm, a brief respite before the raging continued but nothing more came. Slowly you unfurled yourself, water trickling down your face as you felt the soreness on your arms and back from where the hailstones had slammed against you. You sat up and in dismay looked at the carnage around you. Destruction and damage meets you wherever you look. The suddenness by which the storm arrived and departed might cause you to question that it ever happened, yet the broken possessions and damaged furnishings confirm that it was too horribly true. You raise a hand to your mouth to stifle the cry of alarm which is trying to sound. You know better than to invigorate the storm to return when it has just passed. The wind has died down, the rain has stopped and the fearsome dark clouds have rolled away towards the horizon leaving behind blue sky once more. The sun is there yet you feel no warmth from it as you sit amongst the debris from the storm which rampaged around you only a few moments ago. It arrived without warning and did so with great fury, as it always does. Then it was gone. We are nowhere to be seen having left the room and you know better than to seek us out. Instead you rise unsteadily to your feet, the nervousness and anxiety caused by the arrival of such sudden violence having left its mark on you. You begin to try and tidy up the aftermath of the storm as you wonder to yourself how long this break in the clouds will last.

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128 thoughts on “After the Storm Has Passed”

  1. The Mr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde persona! Fire & then ice. I take it it’s one of your power plays when you’ve switched to devalue? I’m curious, in this post you used the example of her offering to cook a steak which you previously enjoyed. Is that what really sets the Narc off? Or is it that a new source of fuel is on the horizon so he’s picking a fight over nothing to balance the flow of incoming negative fuel? Or did something else set him off about her and that was the path of least resistance to hurt her?

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    1. Good questions Clarece. The issue of the steak is meaningless. We feel a need for fuel and therefore we will find anything to seize on in order to launch an attack and extract negative fuel. The need for fuel arises and therefore the slightest thing will be picked on, usually it makes no sense but that does not matter to us. The random behaviour keeps you puzzled, allows us to launch an attack and receive the negative fuel. It may also be used to create in our mind a rationale for going to the new prospect. “You pissed me off so much I had to go out and seek solace in the arms of another.” Thus a double dosage of fuel, we get to tell the new prospect how awful you have been to us and bind them closer whilst you are left perplexed and bewildered.

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      1. I still feel at times it is partly me, as I am non compliant, speak my mind and the truth, I don’t do it to be hurtful, but I do it as a need. Not unlike your need to gather fuel. I need to be who I am as well. But the fact, is nothing I can ever do or say, can effect someone so much they desire to kill me, unless that desire is already apart of who they truly are. I do not create, a narcsisist , a sociopath or a psychopath, they are unleased upon us. The trusting, the unsuspecting, the nurturing, the truth tellers and healers. We are the mirror that reflects the beast back to them.

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      1. Early bird gets the worm! Had to purchase Revenge! You can thank me on our “date”! Lol

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      2. Meowwww! Lol. I discovered HG with his very first blog last summer. We go back a ways is all!

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    1. The need for fuel can arise in many instances, some where I am being criticised require more fuel than other instances. The need for fuel is always there. It is the first thing I think of when I rise. The need is best described as an unease, a sense of forboding which is then removed on receipt of the fuel. If the provision of fuel is delayed then this unease grows and becomes agitation, concern and a sensation of weakness that is trying to maim me. This generates an urgency and later a desperation to achieve fuel. Once that has been done those feelings recede, I feel powerful and invigorated and this remains so long as I can keep accessing fuel.

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      1. Hmm, mine said at times, he felt an unease, an over all anxious feeling, need to reenergize, …could have been communicating the need for fuel. Often it was after a harried day at the office.
        He said these statements in the years we were together: it was unfair of me to entangle you, I don’t deserve you, I am only a shadow of a man, you are too good for me, I can’t give you what you need and deserve, et cetera…..now they sound like warnings, then they sounded like self esteem issues.

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  2. Wow I finally get it!! It never had anything to do with what I did or didn’t do! You’ve said it so many times and always have it in
    your books but for some reason it never sank in until now!! Always about the fuel!! Thank you HG! Sorry it took me so long! Xo

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  3. My immediate thought…was fine, make your own supper then, you piece of shit !!! Leave the room, grab my car keys, leave the house and the impending storm. Sure it will be brewing while I am gone, it will still seek its wrath when I return. But. Whilst I am gone and he continues to drink himself from fury to sedation. I can hope, he is passed out on sofa or bed when I return and the. Deal with the next day.

    My second narc didn’t fury, he only moved about like a breeze, before the actual storm. The first one , however swirled into a whirling dervish of cyclonic destruction.
    He lived with me only six months prior to these incidents. Golden period quickly turned to devalue and discard.
    Not long before he attacked me, there was a time I had to take my daughter to the city for a doctor appointment . He said he didn’t want to come with us previously. He also refused to do anything with my daughter, saying he had done all that with his children in the past, that included. Watching a movie with her, pushing her on the swing, etc He did give her piggy back rides, which she loved.
    He also was very clear, when I ended relationship, that the only thing I was good for was sex and if it had not been for how I looked and how good I was between the sheets. He would nevr have chosen me. Hmm. Guess he didn’t like my empathic qualities.

    On this day, as we were about to leave in the Car, he came outside and opened passenger door and held it. Saying that we couldn’t go. I told him to close the car door, we need to leave. This continued for five minutes, while he stood there smirking. I told him unhand the door now, or I will reverse the car. He didn’t, so I did.
    He later claimed , In divorce proceedings, I tried to run him over. After which, in his rage that I defied him. He stood in front of my car and threw a rock directly at windscreen in front of me, cracking it. I had to drive to city and appointment and back and then have windscreen repaired once home.
    Of course, it was all my fault, as he was debating whether he wanted to come with us or not and I so rudely moved the car while he was still holding the door. How dare, I defy him, I made him Crack my windshield. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to the city , like he asked and stayed at home instead.

    That was first incidence of violence, he attacked me weeks later and was thusly arrested and deported. After which, I received a barrage of harassment on social media, email, through the phone. I traced and tracked calls for recorded purposes of his sister, himself and others as they insulted and blamed me for being such a heartless bitch. After which, all numbers blocked, social media deactivated and so forth.

    I can recall that storm like it was yesterday, ever choreographed detail of my movement and his. As I ran from the den where he grabbed me by the throat and lifted me high against the wall, to me kicking him repeatedly as I couldn’t breathe, till he dropped me, running to the phone, to see the wires had been cut. Then running to the living room, at which point I heard him punch three huge holes in the den wall. To where the other phone lines were cut then to the kitchen where I knew my cell phone was charging . I yanked it from the wall , he entered room from the other side and grabbed me and threw me onthe floor, throwing everyhting on counter on floor too, microwave, coffee maker, toaster, etc repeatedly calling me all sorts of names. I crawled across kitchen floor, kicked him into counter and stood up. I saw a flashlight on top of the fridge and grabbed it, as he moved towards me, I cracked it heavily over his head and then ran quickly through the room and up the stairs to my bedroom. Which thankfully, the door opened outwardly, so he could not kick it in. I quickly dialled the authorities, while he banged repeatedly on my bedroom door. I yelled at him, stop it, I am calling my mother. You have uspet me, so just calm down. He then proceeded to say, make sure you tell your mum, you provoked this. I knew he wouldn’t like me telling my family he was faulted. I yelled back, leave me alone for five miinutes while I talk to her and then I will come out of the room.
    I knew that authorities would be there by then, I told them I wasn’t planning opening the door at all or leaving room till they arrived. They did, he was downstairs at that time, he had destroyed my house like a tornado ripped through it. They arrested him for assault.

    I only saw twice after that. When authorities escorted him to my home to retrieve his belonging and in court, when I had him formally charged and restraining order put in place and deportation confirmed. He threatened in messages after to burn my house down and worse, he posted intimate videos of us on line, sending me the links , in an effort to humiliate me. He used social media to tell my friends lies about me stating I intentionally had him removed from home and deported because I was engaging in an affair. His barrage of tactics continued for six months. Until, he found his next victim, which I am sure he had in place, prior to me removing him.

    To be clear this rage for. Him only occurred twice, the rock incident then the one provocateur attack. I recall that morning vividly, he was sat on the sofa, just staring when I came downstairs. I asked him Why he was just sat there and I was going to make breakfast. He nevr said a word to me, just stared. I went to den to turn computer on, to check emails, when I turned around to return to kitchen. He was standing behind me, I could see the look in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong, are you okay. He then shoved me against me against wall and the above occurred. My daughter was not home at the time, she was at her fathers house. After he was arrested, family came over and helped me tidy up the house before she came home. Other then the rock incident she nevr saw any incidents of violence, or arguments.

    To me it all came out of the blue, but we all know it didn’t. This storm was brewing for months, it was calculated. The only miscalculation, was he didn’t kill me as planned. He misjudged my strength and determination to fight back and win. He lost in the divorce settlement as well. Evil may think it triumphs, but sometimes it is only temporary glory, that is snuffed out by karmic delight. Another valid point, never underestimate the victims you choose.

    HG, this article had tremendous emotional impact on me, Memory wise. But, I am detached in its retelling now, almost as if I watched it occur to someone else or it was a movie I once watched. He holds no power over me, no fear, no anger or revenge in me, his hoovers never worked and he was gone from My life, finally. He is a non entity to me. This storm, blew out to sea and the skies cleared and the birds sang once again.
    Here is a comment I have heard many a time about men, you sure know how to pick them. I have only chosen two men in my life, the ones I didn’t chose, as in they found or chose or targeted me.

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    1. Interesting to read that Karaa and shows a further example of the destructive tornado which appears. Did you know what he was or did you just regard him as abusive and learn later about his true nature?

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    2. Ohh karaa. As I was reading this article, I was wondering if somebody in the blog would come with such an escalated situation, sad to hear it was you Karaa 😢.
      XX

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      1. That one was years ago, he was evil and calculating. Why I warned the next victim, she nevr believed me. My last N was nothing like that, predominantly sweet and loving for entire time together, why I am seeking closure for him.

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  4. HG, what is the worst thing you did to someone in the devaluation and discard stages? Have you ever resorted to physical violence, property destruction, public humiliation, financial ruin of another, et cetera?

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    1. I don’t go in for physical violence, yes I will push and prod but I don’t punch and kick, not my style and likely to bring unnecessary interference. I prefer to flex my mind and let the damage be done in other less noticeable but just as effective ways. As to property destruction well that has been described in my books along with financial warfare. Much more of this will be revealed in my forthcoming writing as well.

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      1. I didn’t think you would be involved with the physicality of things, more the emotional abuse side of it all. The ever present manipulative mind gams are more akin to your intellect.

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      2. In response to Karaa34, my intuition also feels H.G. even has a threshold when it comes to physical violence. Not to impune on his other unspeakable Devil’s Toolkit of emotional pain he can induce but just as he never wants someone to be pushed to commit suicide, I don’t think he’d relish the negative fuel produced by the brutality of physical harm on another human being…just guessing.

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      3. I would still take the fuel Clarece but it would not be as satisfying as that induced by my psychological machinations. The inflicting of brutish physical pain is the hall mark of the Lesser Narcissist and I am not he. I regard punching and kicking as rather base and lacking the sophistication and finesse of utilising other means of obtaining fuel. Furthermore, I am no fool and have no desire to provide an ace to my opponent to use against me with the authorities. True I could probably explain it away but why bother with that when the time could be better spent elsewhere in gathering fuel.

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      4. Ha ha, I don’t physically fight with my intimate partners but if a tear up is required in other situations, well that is a different proposition. I know how to defend myself.

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  5. The meat and the potatoes (no pun intended, lol) is in your opening statement in picking the fight – “but you never listen to what I have to say do you? Oh no, what I say is not important enough for you to pay attention to. You never do what I want, always what you want to do. I am sick of it. You are so damn selfish and I have had enough.”

    The game of smoke and mirrors of the narc perpetually projecting their exact actions on their victim who is too blind-sighted and emotional to dissect what is actually being said. If one were to take the emotion out of it, the Narc is bored and he is the one who never listens, pays attention and is selfish. Because he doesn’t care anymore about that appliance.

    Correct?

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  6. There have been no storms in my home for 3 weeks now. It feels strange in a way, peace and quiet is so foreign that I’ve forgotten what it’s like. The destruction from the last storm has been cleaned up, patched and cleared from the house. I still wake up some days and immediately start wondering what sort of tempest will reign today until I remember that the house is now solely mine for the next 6 months. I’m hopeful that things will have changed by the time my reprieve is over. I may even get a chance to read your books during this ‘holiday’ of mine, HG.

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    1. Hello NoNarcLife. Has your narcissist been sent somewhere else I wonder for six months? Yes, this will give you a window of opportunity to increase your knowledge and understanding ahead of what will come.

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      1. Hello HG, it’s Sheila… I hadn’t realized I didn’t sign out of my ‘blog’ persona… my child N has gone somewhere else for treatment, finally. I’m hopeful, although not convinced that treatment will work for her. Thanks to a judge, she will now get access to doctors and resources I couldn’t provide for her. Yes, I’m still learning all that I can to be prepared for her return. Better to be prepared for the worst, but still hoping for the best.

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      2. Hello Sheila, you rascal sneaking up on me in a different guise. Not something I would od of course. Your post reads as if you have had to force the health providers to give treatment or do you just mean that the judge has ordered your child to receive treatment. Who decided on six months?

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      3. Sorry for the confusion lol I’ve tried to force the issue of treatment through different avenues for several years now, but it was always a circuitous round of passing me off to a different organisation with waiting lists of minimum 6 months up to 3 years. My daughter’s behaviour escalated more and more as time passed, narrowly avoiding prosecution over several of her episodes. I knew things were going to get even worse, if not deadly if I didn’t take things into hand. In fact an incident happened not a week later wherein a girl her same age went on a stabbing spree at school not far from here – it could have easily been my own daughter’s fate had I not intervened when I did and had her arrested for assault. My daughter’s case came before the courts and was so well represented by the agencies we’ve been involved with, as well as compelling reports from several officers on the police force that the case was sent to adult court to a judge that ordered her treatment immediately through the agencies that kept passing us over. It’s been a long and winding road, but she’s now under watch 24/7 in a place where she can get treatment.

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      1. Thank you, Kara. I’m spending a lot of my newly found free time either engaged in therapy myself, participating in the treatment plans for my daughter and slowly putting my home back in order. It feels strange to be able to unlock rooms, cupboards and leave my personal items in plain sight. My home over the course of time and the institution of ‘safety plans’ by various agencies has become a literal prison to keep myself, due to thefts and vandalism and attempts on my life, and my daughter, in her suicidal attempts, safe. Yes, this is far more then N behaviour. It was previous relationships with N’s that brought me to HG’s blog.

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  7. Have you experience this same scenario done to you? I mean, have you ever been exsited about giving something to someone(a steak) who ended up devaluating you?

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    1. I have been excited about giving something to somebody because I know it will bind them closer to me and provide me with fuel. Nobody devalues me in the same way though. If they name call they invariably do with emotion attached and thus I gain negative fuel. I have not been subjected to a prolonged campaign of devaluation since during the golden period there is no need for such treatment and when I devalue my victims are not strong enough (because of my manipulation) to impose a campaign of devaluation against me.

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      1. Err I have no idea. You have a Soft Cell and nut obsession perhaps?! The uncle of one of my longstanding friends used to be the boyfriend of the sister of the keyboard player from Soft Cell, Dave Ball. How about that for a tenuous link?!

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      2. Wow! How cool is that, HG!!
        You Brit’s had the monopoly on the coolest music in the 80’s! I wanted to run away from California and move to London as a teenager back then!
        The 80’s rocked! 🇬🇧🇺🇸🎹🎤🎸❤️!

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    1. So many signs of my N, all the songs he enjoyed and bands we both love. The coincidences never seem to end, do they? The blessing and curse, that resonates in music. Play on, indeed ❤

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  8. So well written HG. i love about reading you is that you are so descriptive and detailed one can easily live the story.
    And then one can rapidly go back in time to stormy memories 💦⚡️
    My ex-husband ( we married with 26 ) was for the first 3 years of marriage under stress ( crying baby, time constraint, traffic jam etc) very explosive. Not like described above but a mini storm. Punch in the wall but special at smashing things. Crockery, food, or whatever he had in his hands at that moment would end up whirled up into the air.
    Unable to cope with such a behaviour I one day left. Surprsingly this did not infuriate him at all but he played the victim which convinved me of being his friend for the 3 years that we were separated. If I would have only known the words hoover and Fuel….
    In those 3 years he did some kind of therapy and he did change alot. never again did he exhibit such agressive behaviour intil today. In addition he became calmer, more paused and somehow a little more conscious of his sourroundings and the people he intereacts with.
    The hoover did work as I came back to 7 more years of marriage where he did give me silent treatment and when he could destroyed my property that he knew was special to me. In the perfect crime way, but somehow he managed to transform his fury, but if I compare it 1:1, he also had lost alot of it. If where before it was a ticking above that would explode for anything, afterwards he could even discuss on something without screaming and the turn to silent treatment. I think I can say where before the fury would erupt like a volcano,afterwards it was more like building up and stopping before eruption.
    I dont know if it was that alternative medicine therapy that helped him, he will not talk about it but whatever it is, was good for him and everybody around him.

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  9. Sorry, Nikita, my reply disappeared 😕 it is hard in marriage that long and with children involved as well ❤️ that is good therapy worked for Him to diminish his anger issues, but then he instituted the silent treatments, which is far worse psychosocial abuse 😞 you never know, what they are thinking or why or when they might explode at you, it keeps you anxious and on alert always xx
    It is best we all stay away from these types, they always have a motive and an agenda, even the ones who appear docile and even tempered. We are but pawns in the game they play, or puppets in their theatrical show…right HG?

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  10. Yes, HG, I agree , the first one wasn’t especially brilliant,so he only had that brute force, mind you I never saw it in him till then. The last one, is very much so brilliant, he would not resort to violence. He is too intelligent for such a pedestrian approach.

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  11. For me it is the violence in the form of psychological and emotional abuse that has a longer lasting, more detrimental impact that can lead to someone feeling suicidal or committing suicide, or feeling hopelessness, experiencing dissociation and trauma…It is all abuse…the behaviour is no better than someone being physically violent! To see someone cower in a corner curled up…frightened…like a child being abused! To enjoy the denigrating of another person is sick! It’s mean!

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    1. Yes. It is all abuse….I have had both physical and emotional abuse at the hands and minds of loved ones. Ones trust in others becomes eroded. People, are cruel and we must work together to stand up and speak out against such cruelty, in order to stop it and them. Xx
      Through education, information, communication, therapy and support systems of like minded people.

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  12. MLA and Alexis, you both made me laugh. You can fawn and fight over HG. I will happily devalue him, if he desires some negative fuel. It would be cathartic for me to do so. Mind I couldn’t come close to some of the written tongue lashings On here In that department.
    Allow me to crack the whip😏 Just let me fetch my Cat o nine tails and heretics fork for you HG.
    My ex wanted to fit me for a scolds bridal, how dare he, the mere suggestion offended me 😏
    HG you can chant….Cibus est in regula….as you simultaneously smile from their kisses and wince from my pain.
    Pleasure, not vengeance, shall be mine.

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    1. Hi Karaa34! I’m very brave with H.G. because I know there is an ocean between us. If I was actually in his presence ID be shaking like a leaf! But last summer before discovering this blog, I was pretty despondent after a horribly cruel discard and having no clue what narcissism to this extent even is. So I must be healing since I’m finally coming out of my shell again! Love following your posts too!

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      1. Hi, MLA….I just want to beat the Narcsisist, literally 😏 I am glad you are coming out of your shell, that is empowering and a huge victory for you over your tormentor ❤️ thank you, I enjoy your posts as well.

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  13. Karaa , we have so many similar experiences. I was married for 13 yrs to my husband he was lovely to start with, but then he started drinking over the years things went from bad to worse and he subjected me to severe violence, tried to suffocate me and slept with prostitutes. when I left as I couldn’t take anymore he rang my mum saying when I moved back into the house (when he moved out) he would one day come back and set fire to me and my dog and she’d be able to hear my screams. This was all very upsetting. I stayed on my own for a few years then met my last narc. He to was always saying, I’d leave him he was no catch. I’d find someone who was better than him and who could give me everything I deserved as he wasn’t in a position to give me what I deserved. Like you I took it as low self esteem now I know different. X

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    1. Hi Freedom xx
      Yes, sounds like we had the same type of sick bastard for husbands 😞 thank goodness they are long gone from our lives xxx if he had of called my mum, she would have taken his side, I could never do any right by her, a stranger would have been more in the right then me.
      Yes, both our second narcs sound similar too, he didn’t have the initials DC did he 😕
      Personally for me, I am happy to be on my own. I felt much in my own I last year with my second narc anyways. So it isn’t a huge transition, really. I am going to avoid men and dating as they easily attach to me. So, I have decided to limit social outings as well and just focus on my work, friends and family, my dad and daughter.
      I know several wonderful men, who have always been caring and supportive of me in my life. They are true blessings, even if not romantic relationships. They restore my faith in good, honest, loving and selfless men. Men, who care without agenda.
      Wish you much love and healing, Freedom. We have and will continue to survive and thrive ❤️

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      1. Hi Karaa,
        No my last narcs initials where PS, so looks like they just confirm how predictable their kind really are exhibiting such similar nasty traits.
        I’m lucky at least my mum wasn’t like yours. I was never blessed with children both my narcs saw to that. My last used it as a manipulation tool always promising we could start a family but would never commit to it. when I would bring the subject up later in our relationship thinking back it’s as HG describes he denied ever saying the things he did about wanting a family and would then use his son by saying look what a disappointment he is why would I want another one.
        Yes I to am not doing the dating game as I still obviously emit the beacon for narcs so I will also concentrate on my career and my close family and friends.
        We will continue to grow Karaa and our souls will shine again xxx

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  14. Yes, wouldn’t be interesting to find a narc who is original in his thinking and approach? Well, I wouldn’t want to find him and who is to say he even exists. I wonder if any of us share the same narc on this blog, I have given the names of both mine in here and no one has claimed to know them.
    That was unfair of them to promise a family together and then renigging on it and deny the promise altogether. My first was much more nasty then the last one. His weapon seemed to be try to hide things from Me finding it out and then lie lie lie , when I did and his ever increasing silent treatments.

    Yes, that was a lovely sentiment, our souls will shine. A beautiful thought, Freedom xx

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    1. Karaa yes it would be interesting to see if any of us have shared the same Narc. I suspect however that as there are so many of them the probability is slim.
      My husband used to blatantly lie even when the evidence was in black and white. I chose to leave him he only got nasty again after his new supply obviously dumped him when she realised the money, car and house where mine. My last narc was different in his delivery of manipulation tools he was never physically violent towards me, I just got the moods, silent treatment and of course the I couldn’t get anything right. But then on the other hand he would tell me how good I was pushing me to do further exams as he said he’d always wanted to date someone with a PhD. He was just extremely cold and callous with his discard. He was living a double life from what I’ve discovered maybe he thought he was a super hero, by day mild mannered immigration office by night the dark destroyer ha ha.

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      1. Freedom, I often wondered what “our” narcs all look like. I’d be willing to temporarily post a pic of my last ex narc.
        I doubt we share the same one….it seems like most of us are literally from different parts of the world. I’m from the Central Valley of California….100 miles north of Los Angeles🌞

        What does amaze me are the default pictures of all of the survivors on the page!
        We are all such beautiful women (and men) Intelligent too by all of the writing on here. Gorgeous hearts to boot! ❤️

        Ladies and Gentlemen, please don’t let the narc rob you of the qualities that attracted them to you.
        I looked into the mirror yesterday and I couldn’t find the beautiful, witty, and confident T there anymore….and that bothered me!!!
        I got to my hairdresser and got a makeover last night…I was forgetting what a catch I had always been and that I still am….but it was slipping away….
        Please don’t let this happen to you, my friends!

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      2. Yes, they seem to be everywhere Freedom. The super hero part made me smile, I am sure he fancied himself more a Captain America type..they are the bringers of joy. Are they not? 😏

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      3. Karaa yes you’re correct they would see themselves as a super hero delivering joy to the world shame it’s a distorted view of the real truth.

        So sad my husband was like that the violence intensified as the years rolled on, I became numb to it all. whilst cowering in a corner he kicked and hit me. The final straw for me was when he threatened my dog and pushed my face over a boiling kettle I just couldn’t take anymore. They are sad excuses for men and a disgrace to mankind in general.

        I’m sure all our ex narcs are completely different to look at on the surface but I’m sure their inner creatures are very much alike. I’m not disclosing where I live other than its in the uk I have to protect myself as the king of all narcs are superb HG is also on this tiny island. 😱😱

        T yes we must not forget who we are and what good people we are. I’m sure there are some other good souls out there who deserve us but I’m not in a mindset to let anyone that close again to find out.

        Hope you enjoyed a good pamper.

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      4. I wouldn’t disclose my full locations either Freedom, suffice to say, UK and Canada. But , both my narcs were English. Curiously, I wonder which country has the higher incidence of Narcissism, I would imagine the United States, maybe the UK, not long after. HG do you have those stats? I doubt Canada rates high on that list. These men were cowards to brutalize women the way they did, life has a way of turning itself around in such violators. The day will come, have patience.

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      5. I don’t have such statistics although it is an interesting question. Of course the incidence will rely on two things ; the fact those narcissists exist and awareness of what they are by others to compile such a statistic. I should imagine that there are more narcissists than reported as existing purely because some of our kind do not know what they are and most people have no idea of what we are until after the event. I think that the incidence and awareness will be higher in developed nations owing to advances in recognition but primarily because those types of nations are breeding grounds for narcissistic behaviour as a whole (which is invariably going to lead to more narcissists existing). Countries which have a more communal approach to socialising, family and society as a whole would, to my mind have lower incidences. Developed nations where individualism is lauded along with the gods of sex and money, will fuel the traits of entitlement, grandiosity, lack of empathy and so forth. By sheer dint of population size I should imagine the US has more narcissists but as a percentage of population I would imagine many developed nations to have similar percentages. Just out of interest in terms of those who read my blog I have visitors from 94 different countries including the likes of China, Japan, Greenland, Madagascar, Chile and Vietnam. It seems my kind are truly international in nature!

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      6. Nice to have you back, HG. Thank you for such a quick and thorough answer in this question. So you know where each one of us is located, without any one disclosing it to you. Hello, BIg brother 😏 yes, obviously developed and countries focused on materialism, vanity and commercialism and ego will fare the highest in incidence. I wonder, say how Greenland would rate per capita ?

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      7. There is nothing which tells me where a specific reader comes from before you all worry I am tracking your locations! It merely tells me where visitors are from by number, not linked to each individual visitor. I don’t know about Greenland but a Greater Elite Narcissist or five could traumatise the entire population between them!

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      8. Think of the possibilities, are you planning to relocate, soon? Something wicked, this way comes 😏 I didn’t think you were tracking our whereabouts btw, just a general question.

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      9. As you know Karaa empaths are brimming over with patience 😊

        Well I know India has at least one narc now Karaa x

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      10. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule HG.
        I can be impatient but then will accept that I must wait. I do hope I get front row seats to see what I’m waiting for 😊

        Hope you’ve bought your mum something nice for Mother’s Day HG.

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      11. I am slowly losing my patience……in some respects…..while other brim over, other need to be refilled. Yes, freedom…India can handle him I am sure 😏.

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      12. I’m sure India can handle him 😊
        But I wonder if its virgin territory for a narc. I’m thinking not as the majority of things he said when last here were they all want to be F#%^*ng entrepreneurs. Funny that as he’s married one of them. Hopefully she’ll be a little more savvy a cut herself free unlike me. X

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  15. It makes me sad to read some of the comments here . So tragic & unnecessary . x

    I can’t actually remember the day of the storm it was a long time ago & every month or week there was another bigger than the last , they’re all jumbled up now too many to recall .

    Over the years the violence gradually became worse . My property was smashed. Pictures , photographs , TV , washing machine , oven, mobile phones to name a few . Laptop & pc stolen from me .
    Food thrown at the walls or into the garden .When I rebelled he’d loom in front of my face shouting me down, if that failed he’d hit me . Towards the end I was so worn down with it all that I stopped caring about the blows, though I secretly enjoyed watching him in pain when he broke his hand after I managed to dodge one 🙂

    I was woken up when he was drunk in the early hours one morning and told to drink from what appeared to be a glass of water, it transpired later that day that it was laced with liquid nicotine . Of course there was no apology , in fact he said there wasn’t enough in there to do me ” any harm ” like it was an everyday occurrence . Nothing to report .

    My car tires have been slashed & the breaks damaged ..

    The night he smashed my head into a leaded window his first words were ” I’m going to prison for this .. NOT a care in the world that I might have been injured .
    The list goes on and on ..and on ..

    Perhaps that’s why I cant remember the first time, I don’t know if it’s my minds coping mechanism but I prefer it this way .
    The damaged things have all been replaced but it’s the emotional baggage that takes it’s toll .

    Time changes us , we can move on , but sometimes I wish I could speed it up a little as I imagine we all do x

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    1. Yes, so much drama and trauma to endure, no wonder you have blocked sone of it out. I wish it all could be erased for you. It sounded truly horrific. I couldn’t imagine such ongoing violence and destruction. I am astounded by the cruelty of people in this world, I feel their evil presence in the air, the room and whirling within my mind. Sending you much love to heal xx

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      1. Thank you Karaa. I took nearly 15 years of it . Every time I pulled away he hoovered me back & the whole cycle started again . I knew something was terribly wrong , but at the same time I will still under the distorted illusion that he stayed because he loved me . I had no idea he was a narcissist .
        When we met I was confident & outgoing ,I had a great group of friends and an active social life at the end all of that was gone . He drained every bit of my confidence & has left me with severe anxiety .
        I’m very slowly rebuilding my life, but I trust no one accept my immediate family .
        The thing that hurts me most ( or used to ) is when people ask why you didn’t leave sooner .. If only it was THAT simple 🙂

        Sending that love right back at you Karra , we’ll get there x

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      2. Yes, So Sad, people do not fully comprehend a situation unless they are in it, the blame the victim mentality quite incenses me. Why didn’t he just leave or stop his abusiver behaviour too xx yes, we stay because we love them and believe they love us and you try to rationalize how someone who claims they love you can do this to you at the same time. The mental abuse is almost paralyzing. I dint know either So Sad, but I have know that on,y a certain type of men seems attracted to me…when such things continue to occur. This last one, whose I dearly loved and supported and defended. Is the one has has truly broken my heart, as I gave hi so many oppurtunity to be honest with me, knowing I would support what he needed from me. I often get blamed for attracting or choosing these men. As if , I could only change how I am then I wouldn’t have these men flocking to me. That isn’t so easy , either.

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  16. As I slept two fables/ tales sprang to my mind. Both involving wolves. This is one of them:

    The Wolf and the Lamb( or the Narcsisist and the Empath)

    Once upon a time a Wolf was lapping at a spring on a hillside, when, looking up, what should he see but a Lamb just beginning to drink a little lower down. “There’s my supper,” thought he, “if only I can find some excuse to seize it.” Then he called out to the Lamb, “How dare you muddle the water from which I am drinking?”

    “Nay, master, nay,” said Lambikin; “if the water be muddy up there, I cannot be the cause of it, for it runs down from you to me.”

    “Well, then,” said the Wolf, “why did you call me bad names this time last year?”

    “That cannot be,” said the Lamb; “I am only six months old.”

    “I don’t care,” snarled the Wolf; “if it was not you it was your father;” and with that he rushed upon the poor little Lamb and ate her all up. But before she died she gasped out:

    Moral of Aesops Fable: “Any excuse will serve a tyrant.”

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  17. Yes, T, we must not allow then to steal the essence of who we are. We must fight to keep that intact within ourselves. Perhaps we may crack, but in strength of character and being, we will not crumble or shatter.
    I don’t know how to post an image on here….even if we do as I did , post their first names or initials..but yes, they have so many aliases. Mine wouldn’t use his real name or photo. So, that makes it all the more tricky.

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  18. Hope you are okay, Nikita…you were absent yesterday, and you are usually here each day. Hope it was because you were enjoying a most fabulous day. Same with Alexis too. HG for that matter was absent as well. I miss Crystals input on the blog as well. Just wanted to mention those people. A shout out Of sorts. Hope you all had a beautiful Saturday In the Park( Chicago song) . You were missed xx

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  19. HG, I laughed so hard, at that headstone comment…..it brought me much joy. Thinking of your mums after life, any ideas for the where the plot should be located? What is the inscription on the headstone, if I may ask ? My mums ashes sit still In the urn upon the mantle piece. She is not to be buried till my dad passes and then they will be buried together. No matter how my mum was In life, my dad loved her dearly, he was devoted to her and still is. Such is a devotion I shall never truly know in this lifetime.

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  20. Impatient empaths, are well meaning, just caught up In the desire to know and the inability to contain that desire with time constraints. I need to work on this, says she ten years ago 😏

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