Do I Think of You?

I know that when I subject you to a silent treatment or I have discarded you that you will think of me more than anything else. This is all by design. Your mind becomes a whirling thought engine as the questions loom and dart about your mind like swooping spirits. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? Where has he gone? Why won’t he talk to me? Is he with someone else now? How could he treat me like this? These questions and many of a similar nature remain at the forefront of your mind. They are exhausting as you grapple to find the answers, always achieving an unsuccessful outcome.

I cast you to one side, you did not leave me and cause me to apply a Grand Hoover in order to bring you back under my spell. I saw no need for you anymore and therefore I was content to throw you on the scrapΒ  heap, broken and spent, a broken appliance left to its own considerations and dwelling heavily on this cruel treatment.Β One of the questions which charges around your mind as you try to sleep is does he think about me? You wonder whether I am lying on my bed in a similar state of anxiety, mulling over what has happening. Your thoughts spill and tumble and whilst you want to dispel these memories you cannot help but want to embrace them, experiencing that bitter sweet sensation of both delight and agony. You try to get into a comfortable position hoping that slumber will soon drag you into unconsciousness so that the pain will evaporate, if just for a few hours. Yet, even the place you now lie in evokes the image of you and I coupled together, wrapped up in one another as we made love through the night, or at least you felt we made love. Did you make love to on another? Yet again a question leaps into your mind. I am everywhere. You consider whether I think about the treatment that you have received and do I feel guilty for behaving that way? Do I have a reason for hurling you to one side so callously and am I wondering whether you are all right? Just as you hold onto the precious memories of the golden period you wonder whether I am similarly replaying them through my mind, recalling the wonderful times, the delicious things we did together. You can summon it all in such detail. The places we went to, the other people there, what day of the week it was, even the exact date. You remember what we wore, what we ate and what was said as the memories tumble through head. As the clock shows it is now closer to morning than it was to the evening, you wonder whether we are thinking about you in a similar fashion?

While you toss and turn in your bed which resembles a place to be endured rather than a place of comfort, I am fast asleep. From the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep free from thoughts about you. No imp sits on my shoulder jabbing me with a precious memory and keeping me from sleeping. Whilst you ruminate, cogitate, fathom and review, I am oblivious to everything. During my waking hours you do not invade my consciousness. There is too much to be done, too much fuel to extract as I deal with looking after and nurturing the new primary source of my fuel which replaced you. Truth be told it was more of an overlap with both you and her supplying me fuel until the old stale trickle was switched off and dumped. In my mind you never existed. My fixation with the new prospect and her golden, delicious, potent fuel means that everything is focussed on her. Her seduction and the maintenance of supply dominates my mind save when I am extracting my fuel from the range of supplementary sources that I interact with throughout the day. I may drink from the mug you once bought me to recognise I support a particular football team but there is no flicker of recognition about you. I do not halt, cup in hand, halfway to my mouth and smile at that trip to the stadium when you insisted on buying half the contents in order to please me. It is just a mug to me but the coffee contained in it and prepared by my new prospect is delicious and I tell her so. Her beaming smile provides me with that dollop of fuel as expected. To me it is just a mug bearing the crest of my football team. The link you had to that piece of ceramic has been severed and cast into the abyss.

I may still wear the jumper you bought me but I never consider that weekend away in the highlands when I complained about being cold so you purchased it for me. I may walk past someone who wears the same fragrance as you. I do not remember you as I smell it, not the way you remember me when you smell my cologne and you remember me next to you and that emptiness washes over you once again. I just think that it is a pleasant scent and carry on walking by. It is as if I have pressed delete and you have been erased. You never existed, your thoughts, words and actions all melt away. Your connections to me are severed, your presence eradicated and your memory denied. I have switched off that appliance and everything associated with it has been obliterated. We do not think of you because at this point we have no need to think of you. You serve no purpose to us and therefore remembering you and I is a redundant exercise and a waste of our time and energy.

There is of course one sure fire method however to make us think of you once again. A failsafe way of resurrecting all those memories again for us. It is almost as if you are a memory stick and you have been plugged into us, causing the flood of recollections to pour into us, strong and distinct. You can be assured that doing this will make us remember everything about you. Show yourself to us in some way, contact us or walk into our view and in doing so you will fire up those memories in an instant as our eyes lock on you and we recover those deleted thoughts in readiness to use them once again to Hoover you back into our grasp in readiness to extract that Hoover fuel from you. Do that and you can guarantee that I will be thinking about you.

45 thoughts on “Do I Think of You?

  1. marija says:

    hi HG,I just love your blog,I’m fascinated with the things I read here.
    I would ask you a few questions if I can.
    So it is about my friend who is narcissistic.
    We are in a no contact for a month.He is sitting every day in this cafΓ© with our colleagues.I go there after work and talk to everyone, and ignoring him , even when he asks me something, I do not even look at him.Others know why I do it.Last 2 times he did not even try to talk. Do you know what’s in his mind now? Is there not enough energy to go hoovering me since there are only tertiary sources of fuel? He now has often been sitting with a common friend who then calls me to come.Does he hoovering threw him? At our desk there is a common image of ours. Can it get fuel over the picture, and if he almost every day has a picture in front his eyes is it possible that he did not try to get in touch with me.I dont know does he have another NISS (I was that),maybe one of ours female colleague,but he has wife(by the way his wife looks unhappy-does he get fuel devalueiting her?)
    I m looking forward to read your answer.I cant wait.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Assuming your friends is a narcissist, this means you are a Non Intimate Secondary Source. Your ignoring him will wound him. You are not tertiary, you are secondary. He may be hoovering by proxy using the friend. This is likely since this will avoid the risk of being wounded by trying to speak to you direct and you ignoring him.
      He will have numerous NISSs as these are friends.
      Yes he gain negative fuel from devaluing his wife who will be his IPPS.

  2. twinkletoes says:

    I know you said lesser narcissists cannot be elite, somatic or cerebral BUT mine really does possess a hodgepodge of each category. He is low functioning (i.e.: eccentric, poor personal hygiene, can’t hold a job) but grandiose and obsessed with appearances at the same time. While not a genius he certainly can hold his own and is a college graduate. He is lazy but also litigious and malignant; also morally rigid and paranoid. He wants to be admired yet seeks fuel by way of martrydom. His life is presented as one big downer, along with a myriad of fake injuries and illnesses.

    Aren’t most narcissists actually successful and accomplished? Where exactly, would you classify this? If I want to make him drink drano (happened before, yes …but for attention not suicide attempt) whats my strategy?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Sounds like a victim narcissist on the cusp of being lesser/mid-range. Many of our kind are successful and accomplished but then there are those who are not. I have little doubt that a straw poll amongst the readership here would provide a range of responses from high flyers to useless layabouts. There is no empirical evidence available. I would suggest that amongst the successful though our kind is over-represented being either narcissists or having several strong narcissistic traits even if not an actual narcissist.

  3. Em says:

    Okay so… If I understand well… as I long as I respond emotionally and give attention to his malign FUHs and discard actions, he’ll keep acting that way because I’m giving him fuel to him, and to his new Relationship right?
    What happen if I go totally no contact and disappear from social media and everything (wich is something i have never did, since i was always making myself available to him… even though he was really mean…) how does this will affect him? If he treats me like he don’t give a shit about me anymore, make me feel unworthy of his attention, and keep making this in place with malign FUHs… if I totally withdraw, Is it gonna affecting in one way?

    1. malignnarc says:

      1. Correct. 2. Going No Contact will deprive him of fuel. He will apply FUHs still so you need to organise yourself not to succumb to them. Depriving him of this negative fuel he has been obtaining him will leave him feeling weaker, thus he will seek it elsewhere and/or he may switch to Benign FUHs to try and draw you back in and lash out at his new primary source instead.

  4. Em says:

    Hey HG!

    I read the black hole, really helpful by the way thank you!
    I would like to understand more about the maligne FUH? I’ve been discarded like I was trash. Every attempt I made to contact him, always sweet comments, he either ignored or being really mean. After few months I stopped all the attempts and 3 weeks later he sent me a mean message again about his girlfriend and a place we used to go.
    Why is this maligne FUH for if he is clear that he don’t want me back. Could it possibly change to benign FUH in the future or am I now officially dedicated to his malign side permanently. Or is he using the malign manipulations until his new primary source is giving him enough fuel and the second he will go into devaluation with her he will start benign follow-up hoovers on me? How does it work exactly?
    Thank you πŸ™‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Em,I am pleased you found the book helpful.
      He does not want you back but the Malign FUH is to triangulate you with his new primary source so you (and possibly she) provide fuel. He will be making you out (to her) to be a problem so she worships him, soothes him and draws closer to him. He may continue these intermittent Malign FUHs for some time as he continues to get positive fuel from the new primary source. Once he deems her fuel to be less that satisfactory he will commence devaluation and will either draw in a new prospect for positive fuel or use a Benign FUH to get you back as his positive fuel and then triangulate again, but this time she provides the negative fuel and you the positive.

  5. T. says:

    HG, Once again this is a timely post!!! I’m sure I was just Hoovered on Saturday night while I was out on a date. I got a phone call from an unfamiliar number. I did not pick up. However, I used reverse directory when I got home, and found out it was the landline of the mother of one of my ex’s friends…..
    The timing of that phone call was strange. It was at one of “our” restaurants. I am very friendly with the waitstaff there. One waitress in particular….this phone call happened 30 minutes after my date and I left the bar to be seated in the dining room for dinner.
    This waitress is MY FRIEND!!! But, I can’t shake the feeling that she might have let him know I was there?
    I don’t believe in coincidences…

    1. malignnarc says:

      You’ve uncovered a member of his coterie of possibly a Lieutenant. Dine elsewhere in future! How was the date? Did I look good and smell good?!

      1. T. says:

        Hi HG! The date was ok….I don’t think he is one of your kind….I didn’t have any fireworks or excitement…..that’s usually a clue, right?

        That restaurant has sentimental value…my mom and dad went there on their first date. They took us kids there….I had my first legal drink in their cocktail lounge…..they are a fine local establishment and I hold many fond memories there….best Mai Tai’s in California! lol! …..
        I am not sure how he got to the staff….but he knew I was friendly with that waitress and he always tipped her well…and could have played up the victim card….*smh*

        1. malignnarc says:

          Oh there will be many ways he could have got to her. Sounds like quite a bit of history there with that restaurant.

      2. T. says:

        HG…yes there is lots of history for me and my family at that restaurant…..I’ve just recently started going back there since our breakup last August. I can see him paying $ to some of the waitstaff there to get info….I don’t believe it was the waitress. I would hope she’d be loyal to me….but don’t rule it out….

        My facebook was hacked into successfully yesterday for about 2 hours. FB notified me because it was from an unfamiliar device to my account. There wasn’t any activity during those 2 hours….I am sure it was my exN! Why is he doing this? I don’t think he is dangerous…but why does he want to get into my facebook so badly? He wouldn’t dare “lose” by phoning me directly…..he’d rather just play these games….*smh*

        1. malignnarc says:

          He wants to access your FB to gather information, show you that he can do so and he knows you are reacting to this so even though he cannot see your reaction, he will be getting fuel.

      3. T. says:

        I don’t know how he could possibly figure out my new passwords…
        He underestimated me….he never thought I could go no contact for over 2 months and it’s driving him crazy.

        I can forgive his cruel behavior/discard after my dad and stepmom’s deaths…but I will never forget it…….that was beyond cruel….
        Unless I catch him physically stalking me…I will not involve the authorities….he wants my attention for fuel–and I’ll be damned if he gets an ounce of it! Thanks, HG!

  6. survivednarc says:

    Hello HG. A truly great blog post you wrote here. It is so cruel, so dark, yet, so true. I honestly don’t know how you do it. Perhaps you just “write what’s in your heart”, huh? πŸ˜‰
    Now, to my question. You in all your clarity and wisdom about your kind… One thing, I could never quite understand. Why in Heaven’s name, must ex narc keep hoovering me? When I know he has other sources? I mean, he always manages to find several other sources. But still, it is like he always has to come back to me. Now, to make things clearer: I was forced by curiosity in this question, to snoop a bit when his phone was open, in the past… Sure, I found some flirty comments and so on. But I have never, ever, found anything similar to what he shows to me… you know, the “Please, please, I will do anything, blah blah”. It seems he has rarely, or never, put on that show for anyone…

    Do you think it is possible that your kind needs to have a constant that they return to? Why that person, if so? I just don’t get it… if there are no feelings, why must he then cling to me like a scared child to a teddybear, if you get my meaning? When there are so many others. He always says that they are nothing, that there has never been anyone like me, that I am the only one he has ever trusted. (Cause I am the only one who ever talked to him about “the creature/beast”, inside him). *Sigh*

    I do appreciate any answer and wisdom on this, it is truly maddening. And I do thank you on an amazing blog post. Be well. Take care of your heart, aswell as others’. πŸ™‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello SN and thank you for your compliments. To answer your question 1. There is nothing like the fuel obtained from a successful Grand Hoover or Benign Follow-up Hoover. That is why we do not ever leave you completely alone. 2. You may be providing some form of definition for him, there are traits you have he wishes to keep taking for himself. 3. You are probably used for the purposes of Triangulation 4. Read Black Hole – it is all about the hoovers and will give you an expanded answer to your situation that space and aching fingers will not permit here!

      1. survivednarc says:

        Thanks HG! I will simply comment a quick on no. 2 that you wrote: traits… It is as if he always, always, since he met me, is in some kind of “need” to hear what a “real conscience” would have to say abouth the state of his mind. I frankly feel like he has used me as some sort of “therapist”, as he frequently has asked me to “help” him, to guide his conscience, and so on. I know you may think that is a charade, and I assure you, I know that many times it is. But.. there has been some times when it is not. When he truly needs a “stand in conscience”, he needs to feel “real”, or something. I don’t know. I just can’t… do it, anymore.. I thank you for your answers. I will keep away, as much as possible. He has shown me already, the depths of his cruelty, and I am not prepared to go there again. I am only now worried, cause he knows I am starting to date other guys, and I know how he hates that, and always tries to jump in and ruin it, somehow… I will just ignore it.
        Thank you, and be well! I am so curious about the therapy sessions, please write more of those if you have the time. πŸ™‚ Take care. Love/Survived

        1. malignnarc says:

          Interesting SN, it will be a charade to gain fuel but with it he will be acquiring this trait to use as his own with other people. By seeing how you exhibit a conscience then he will take that and portray it as one of his traits to make him more attractive to a new prospect. There will be more on the good doctors. The sessions continue. I do not write as soon as they happen but rather as and when I feel appropriate to do so in conjunction with other works, but rest assured, more is in the pipeline, they know a gravy train when they see one!

          1. survivednarc says:

            Interesting indeed! I will always wonder if there was even 1 % of him that was real and wanted to change, wanted to be a real and honest person. I only saw him cry once in 4 years, and that was when he sort of broke down about himself, how broken he truly is. Now, I have seen his glorified, perfect facade a thousand times, but that was something else… almost scary. Like a broken little boy. He never ever wanted to talk about that again. Oh well. Perhaps that was just a game aswell. Who cares right. πŸ™‚ I am moving on and starting to date others now, so he will never find me again. πŸ˜€
            I am so looking forward to the doctor posts, I find them truly intriguing. But this post was amazing aswell. Take care. Sending lots of empathy and caring your way! πŸ˜‰ /Survived

  7. Cara Ivens says:

    I’ve been in contact with one of my Narc’s sister in laws to subtly communicate and compare the Narc’s story as she pretends shes suicidal to get her (daddy problems) father who is a Narc to feel guilty and pay for everything for her (shopping, travel etc.). in another state. She obviously doesn’t want us communicating because she tells different stories. She has no real interest in being with me or her the other side of her family at the moment, because shes living the life until her dad decides to discard her. She uses me as a source when she feels like it – will switch up her tactic if i don’t take to one well. Shes paranoid about me talking to her family. threatens me (even though she used them so they know now, she told me a different story) Somehow got the sister in law to admit that there was contact, but that i only text her and she didn’t respond. I was like ah No! she tricked you i told you i didn’t say anything!

    so then i had to use an app to make a fake text so she wouldn’t get mad at her family or murder me haha. Anyway,I told her i accidentally forwarded because i didnt have her named saved since she told me to “delete” her – which it was her fault i didnt delete the entire number because i needed the convo as evidence that i did try to get ahold of her through her family during her discard/silent treatment period. (after she came back to hoover and i wasn’t having it she said she was going to sue me, even though she abandoned the apartment and left me to figure out what to do) So, after i showed her the “screen shot” she blocked me when she was so concerned that i was going to block her..

    so i emailed her this :
    “I got too much going on- relationship, school work and 4 dogs to take care of now because once again you are so irresponsible and a child everyone’s gotta take care of your shit and baggage. i feel like I’m a god damn kindergarten teacher trying to inspire a bad little girl into a bright future so she’ll be a good person. You’re really not that special, the extra attention and encouragement required just makes it seem like you are and I just like to bring out of the best in everyone and I tend to do that. I can’t help I get attached to things I care for. if you honestly had any remorse for all the bad things you’ve done you wouldn’t be continuing to do them, fucking people over and treating them like trash, being a user and Feeling entitled that you be treated like gods gift. U keeping me up pissing me off. Tired of being so fucking understanding because your stuck in a child’s emotional regulation and don’t want to be a damn adult. Go play Peter Pan the rest of your life I don’t give 2 fucks anymore I’m not your family, I am not your friend I am nothing to you. You feel entitled to determining that so I’m giving you it finally.

    U want me to delete ur families contacts and never accidentally contact them? then don’t fucking act like we were ever about to get married and I knew them. Take off she’s a *maiden name* now not *my last name* !! Want me to stop bringing up the past? Take my fucking name off your Facebook and anything that has to do with me or us or even any event I was at or photo. Take my fucking dogs pictures off (any and all of them) of your Facebook they are not yours and I will never utter the words mother of my children and think of you again. So it’s just fucking creepy u have them up. do not refer to me as an ex or *my name* or nothing. We don’t know each other we never met and thank fucking God. I will never mention u to new people I meet and I will delete any hint you ever existed in my life so others will soon are nothing to me and I am nothing to you. Do not call me for comfort, when ur hurting or when you need someone to talk to. U can’t pick and choose. This is what you begged me for I’ll give it to you. If you want me to never contact your family and that’s your demand then this is my demand. If you don’t want to do it then I’m not doing what you want.”
    I think shes probably going to ignore me for now. Even though she plays the game according to reaction, I am pretty sure she only stays in contact with me so i do not move on in case she hits rock bottom (always does eventually). We are 28 now. I have an extensive education, good job, served in the military and i put up with bs from people i love until i have enough. it just takes awhile. She left,her source doesn’t supply her like she wanted, she realized how hard it is to pay bills and live and work so she lost her job there… now she has nothing besides her suicide threats bringing her father around – not forever.. I think i’ve had enough of her for awhile. Shes making horrible choices she told me she wanted to avoid the rest of her life. Been figuring too much stuff out. When i see her face my stomach churns and my lip curls in disgust. this is the first time i’ve talked down to her in such a way to really make her feel like she is nothing special so i am not sure how shes going to react. When i first met her, we were 21…i was not accomplished or confident and i was very shy and naive. It was easy for her to charm, I didn’t know people fabricate their lives like that, especially that young. Now i think what is there so special about her? she wants to think i’m boring haha? Does she really think she can mess with me like she used to and i would still want her? Sorry princess, the thrown is mine now…. You can sit beside me, beneath me or GTFO my kingdom. Gone are the days where the tyrant ruled.

  8. alexis2015s says:

    Just in case my point got lost Hahahha I could understand how that may have happened πŸ™‚

    Why does he even bother when he got nothing out of it to begin with and still doesn’t ?

    1. malignnarc says:

      But he does my dear Alexis, he does.

      1. alexis2015s says:

        Haha well thanks HG. Hmmm a part of me thinks I will have to change tact, because I don’t want him to have any fuel from me even if he has no affect on me.

        But then I remind myself that is of benefit to me, to be friendly.

        Yes I guess it would be outer circle friend. When he ‘bombed’ me, I’ve omitted the love word because he is probably the least sexual/ sexy person I’ve ever met, likely more on the cerebral side of things. He’s incredibly dull, although thinks he’s fun ! And he had good fuel from me during the bombing because I laughed at his ‘jokes’ and made him feel good about himself (that’s just me) even though I found him somewhat tedious.

        I’ll re read your reply. Thanks again HG !

        1. malignnarc says:

          You are welcome.

  9. mlaclarece says:

    Oh H.G….excuse me now while I go in my basement closet and scream! Sooooo frustrating! I can’t imagine a day I won’t think about Narc. Whether happy I’m maintaining no contact, having a memory, feeling down about the time and love wasted. Always something! Aaaarrrggghhhh!

    1. malignnarc says:

      I can hear your scream all the way over here.

  10. alexis2015s says:

    HG so the N whom I was friend with but in no way intimate with. Discarded me, but I did not care, I made no effort to engage with him, he’d served my purpose as I had his and i had no feeling for him anywya.

    He tried to Hoover (I’m not NC with him and never have been as he does not affect me and is almost like a research project to me as it helps me understand and then apply what ice learned with others, Ns are everywhere and so we need to learn how to ‘get along’) I replied but made sure it was in a way that would require no response back from him.

    He has sent the odd Hoover message since and again I reply so k cannot be accused of ignoring him and so j maintain being a pleasant person even if he chooses not to be. He does not send a follow up reply. Which does not bother me and I find amusing.

    When we meet in person, I am always pleasant but decline any offer from him of a coffee or a lift but accept these things from others so that he can see. As I do to the MN also.

    But I do get these occasional hoovers which as I say, I politely reply to and he then does not continue, but not have I left it open for him to.

    Are these hoovers from him malign attempts ? And what is his purpose when he never gets anything much from me and in person as I reject any offer of perceived kindness from him ? I am always friendly and flirty with him as I always was and I’ve never changed this, even when he ‘discarded’ me ? So I don’t really understand what he achieves from these hoovers ? I know he looks at me with complete and utter hatred as I have not fallen for any of his games, but he still tries to play them which I don’t really understand. He is intelligent, but an N rather than an MN, I think ? Although his wife and children certainly look very subdued all of the time.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Your N friend has you as secondary source in the supplemental grouping. I suspect you are an Outer Circle Friend. His Follow-Up Hoovers are designed to check you are still there (and you always do respond) lest he needs to call on your as a source of fuel at some point beyond the extent that he already does. Your flirty and friendly manner with him is providing positive fuel. His FUHs are not malign. He may also be using you presence to triangulate with his wife (and provoke negative fuel from her). He may also look to gain traits from you for his construct. Accordingly,whilst you may think he is not getting anything from it, he is.

  11. Sheila says:

    Very eye-opening post for those that haven’t been through it enough times to see the pattern. Doesn’t say much for me, that I’ve been through it enough times to finally see it with eyes wide open. The relationship I was in before T ended a little over a year ago after being with him for 6 years. When R walked out the door and into the apartment of his new fuel source (of course he already had that lined up) he never gave a backwards glance. Of course he knew that he was better off to keep his distance. I could have ruined his life, as he had ruined my daughter’s, given the slightest reason to.

  12. fool me 1 time says:

    You never fail to provide the answers that some of us so desperately seek! Thank you! Reading this just enforces my decision to stay no contact!!! Have a fuel filled day!!! πŸ˜‰ xo

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome and thank you, I shall.

  13. Yessica says:

    It is very interesting to read about this, because even though I don’t consider my ex partner a narcissist (a sociopath, maybe? but it’s difficult yet to come up with a potential explanation), I couldn’t help but notice that me, myself, was never attached to objects. It’s objects, songs and places. I know people who stop listening to songs, or get rid of objects, just because it reminds them of someone. I hope this new-found characteristic of mine is not too concerning… I know all of us can display traits of narcissism even not being narcissist. Thanks for the deeply informative blog.

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome Yessica. It may be the case that you place greater emphasis on different things to objects and channel that empathic trait onto something else.

      1. Cmay says:

        Yessica’s post brings up a question I have, HG. Do you make any distinction between the narcissist and the sociopath/psychopath?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Hello Cmay, no I don’t. I am aware a distinction exists but it is not something I have commented on previously.

  14. mlaclarece says:

    I still find it confusing to know the difference of a silent treatment because one has been fully discarded due to replacement with new primary fuel vs. a silent treatment as a ploy to the “attention seeking pillar” (as written in Revenge). By reading this blog, it would appear hearing from us after a hiatus provides positive fuel by flooding you with memories. But you’ve also written it provides negative fuel to have us keep reaching out for answers (even if we are positively reinforcing it’s because we love you). It’s getting confusing…

    1. malignnarc says:

      I shall endeavour to help. Once discarded there will be a period of a silent treatment because we are letting you know what we really think of you and we do not want you interfering with our work with the new primary source.
      After a suitable period of time we will decide to apply a Follow-up Hoover. This may be benign because we want you to return and provide positive fuel, thus we contact you,you respond and we get positive fuel, we apply a silent treatment to get you to try harder to contact us and say good things, thus providing us with more positive fuel and telling us you are desperate to connect.
      The FUH may be malign. We contact you (this may be a savage form of contact or a pleasant contact to lure you back in) and then apply silent treatment. You clamour for our attention again, you want answers as to why wehave contacted you again, why are we torturing you etc? You get a silent treatment to increase your upset and frustration and we get negative fuel.

      The two silent treatments you mention at the outset of your post are two different things. The first silent treatment you mention post discard is instigated by us. I don’t specifically mention a silent treatment when toppling the attention seeking pillar but some of the steps you take may be akin to you doling out a silent treatment and there in lies the difference, you administer it, not us.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Thank you H.G. I guess in the end you’re always showing us what you really think of us, which is the real closure.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Well put Clarece.

  15. Megan says:

    Ouch! But the truth is better than comforting ourselves with a lie.

    I’m curious though…where does Facebook fit into this? If the narcissist doesn’t think us as he goes about his business, what about when he logs into FB and sees photos we’ve been tagged in, status updates about what we’re doing etc? And then…. if he chooses to let us know that he’s seen aforementioned items by Liking them….? Low-key virtual hoovering?

    1. malignnarc says:

      If he has no interest in extracting fuel from you at the present time, if he sees a photo of you on FB he will just ignore it and press on with looking at the FB profile of a new target. If he lets you know he has seen the FB entry then he is performing a follow-up Hoover.

      1. Megan says:

        Thanks. That explains why the Likes are inconsistent. There can be days / weeks with nothing, and then suddenly he’ll go on a ‘Like-fest’.

        I observed my own reaction to this; it would trigger missing him and so I’d send a quick text “Hi, how are you?”…which of course he’d ignore.

        Clever. Very clever.

        1. malignnarc says:


  16. nikitalondon says:

    Hmmm harsh words…
    We agreed no contact with N3, and I have not broken it nevertheless I receive pictures every week from the exotic places he has been through his friend which is in fact my friend..(leutenant ?)….,

    But this means if you respond immediatly to an ex-partner that you still have “feelings” for this person?

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