The Controlled Application of Chaos

One of the defining features of our behaviour is the association with chaos. Our arrival into somebody’s life is described as a whirlwind. We are regarded as tempestuous, a tornado and a flailing dervish. People describe how we leave a trail of destruction behind us. Reference is made to the drama and the rollercoaster ride that people experience when they become sucked into our sphere of influence. The honest amongst them admit that at the time they found this intoxicating, the excitement of wondering what was going to happen next, the thrill of the unpredictable and the allure of the heightened activity that surrounds us. Others bemoan the mayhem that occurs, the random behaviour and the lack of certainty, never mind from one day to the next, but hour to hour. People conclude that we are creatures of chaos. That conclusion is wrong.

We are ordered and methodical in everything that we do. We ascertain on a daily basis our need for fuel. We establish which sources will provide that fuel and how this will be achieved. We regulate our network of supply like a technician overseeing the electricity grid of a country. Where there is a risk of disruption to that supply we organise a contingency. Should we apply our energies to solving the disruption or should we replace it as quickly as possible? We monitor and observe to ensure that our lifeblood is supplied effectively and efficiently. We identify our fresh targets and then assiduously plan how that person will be seduced. We gather intelligence about that individual, what they like and dislike, who they socialise with, how strong their family connections are as we build up a dossier all about them. There is no random selection of our targets. We cannot leave such important matters to chance. We must undertake keen preparatory work so that when we strike we succeed and our target is ensnared. Once that person has been lured into our grasp we then structure our treatment of him or her. How might we best extract the juiciest fuel from them during the golden period? How long do we anticipate that period will last? Where else should we be obtaining fuel from during this time? What threats exist to affecting or interrupting the supply of fuel from this appliance? These thoughts and many others filter through our minds as we plan, plot and scheme.

You may think that we suddenly flip from pleasant to nasty. Yes, I will admit that that is the appearance we give when we engage such a volte face. The reality is that such a change has been carefully considered and orchestrated to achieve the maximum impact. The apparent sudden shift from calm to volcanic eruption has been calculated to bring about the assertion of our superiority, control and the provision of fuel. Our rage will spiral out of control but the unleashing of that rage was a considered act. Once the spark has ignited the flames it however there may be no telling how hot the flames will burn and for how long, but we decided to create the spark. Each word and gesture has been considered and reflected upon in order to ascertain how effective it will be in furthering our aims. We plan an onslaught of affection which appears like a sudden storm, yet we planned this dizzying and disorientating display. The sudden appearance of silent treatment and its duration has all been worked out beforehand.

The difference is that we plan everything we do before we unleash the chaos that exists inside us. The effect of our careful scheming is chaotic in nature, that is entirely true. The outcome of our love bombing is a torrent of whirling and tumbling affection. Our campaigns of mistreatment seem to burst out of nowhere, assailing you from random directions like staccato machine gun fire. We lift you up, spin you around, turn you upside down and shake you all about. It is a chaotic process but it is the outcome that contains the chaos as we unleash it from within. As Friedrich Nietzsche put it, “One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”

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21 thoughts on “The Controlled Application of Chaos”

  1. When I read this post I have to say that I dont identify my exNs with this word chaos, but rather with sadness lots of sadness, and lies and tons of egoism. Rather egoism is the top word for them. N1 and N3 really or even extremely structured men like you say, and yes of course after a breakup any relationship goes through chaos… But I dont think I can associate chaos like a generalized word for my relationships with N.
    Yes its true that there are moments where you are very confused, but then you realize this person is really egoistic and just thinks about himself… And that explains alot then.. But not real chaos… I think…

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    1. I like that you mention sadness. When I first discovered I had psychopathy / narcissism in my family, it shocked the hell out of me to read they do not feel depression or anxiety. Because, if you had never given me a label, I would say their life is driven by sadness. Since I could remember, my mother’s decisions were always driven by sadness and loneliness. Now it seems her sadness was just for herself. She could empathise but only if that person looked like her and had her problems (hence why I was shaped to be a sadness carrier). In my boyfriends I have recognsed this too but they deny it or say it doesn’t rule their lives. but any attempt at joy always fell back to that anger, contempt and depression. I would be interested to read a narcissist’s thoughts on this as ’emptiness’ seems to be a catalyst for all decisions however I’m not sure it would be the same emptiness an empath might feel.

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      1. Hello Violet, if our fuel goes too low we enter a depressed state. A restlessness which is akin to anxiety is experienced when fuel stocks start to dwindle.

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  2. Sounds like a human league song !

    My dance with my ex in hindsight was full of chaos, I just didn’t realise that’s what it was till it was over and started to educate myself.

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    1. Usually the case Freedom. I think you are invariably left asking Don’t You Want Me after a devaluation that is akin to Being Boiled alive. It is hard for you because you are only Human but we cause you to (Keep Feelin’) Fascination owing to the fact that you want some Love Action but you only realise too late that we are a Mirror Man. You will Open Your Heart but wonder if you would be better facing Life On Your Own and whilst we plead the we Need Your Loving you are probably better off going to live in The Lebanon.

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  3. wow I like the order and logic presented by You as usually. ..and indeed, the star can be born only from chaos. .. thats a paradox but beautiful ..You and Your blog… G. You are my drug..

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  4. Would you go so far as to fake post traumatic stress disorder? or would this creep up on you without you realising it because of your condtion?
    I planned a major move overseas and my narc mother went into stress overdrive, doing a lot for me and was unrelenting in her overstimulation, which without even diagnosing her I knew at a subconscious level was her “insurance policy” with me. I don’t even think it’s that abnormal to other mothers.
    But when I snapped at her for it she broke down into tears and said “don’t yell at me” like a tiny baby and isolated herself. She seemed to flip back and forth into baby mode as if she was living in another time. She went to a psychiatrist for help (well, so she said) and the story was told to me she’d been on a beach holiday as a child and left alone with a strange man in a toilet block, and after this holiday she was reportedly not the same little girl.
    What I am wondering is whether you have seen this happen to narcissists (a kind of onset post trauma and loss of adult behaviour) or whether in fact she might have been mirroring me and telling me my story.
    I later went overseas and had to return from suppressed trauma from the violence of my home.

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    1. I could not rule it out if it really would secure something I wanted to achieve but I would regard doing something like that as a matter of last resort because that is not my style. A Victim Narcissist would do so readily (he may even have it) but I would not. It would not creep up on me. I am too robust for that to happen and I cause it, I don’t have it happen to me. If my fuel levels dropped too low I would slump into a depression. Such behaviour as you describe with your mother, where the child parents the parent can happen. It may arise from fuel levels dropping too low or may be a co-modrbid sign of BPD, I have seen BPD sufferers exhibit this reaction.

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  5. I have another question.. HG would you rather someone who loved you and would stick around for life or someone who was a fuel source but did whatever they wanted?

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    1. Somebody who loved me is providing me with fuel. It does not matter if they stick around for life or not. I will go after them for fuel if circumstances permitted. If not, I find somebody else for my fuel needs.

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  6. Thanks for this explanation for my mother. I suppose I won’t ever know what happened to her or if the whole thing was an act. While I did cut my trip short, I was glad to be home anyway so it worked out. All I know is that my family is a failure in the normal sense and do not care if I’m dead.
    I’d like to comment on your view of professions. You mention empaths are in caring ones. Every narc in my family is a nurse or a teacher. Charity workers and social workers I know are narcissists. I find they often look for a good cover.
    I’m a television journalist and have worked at five networks around the world. Not once did I meet an empath working in TV.

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    1. You are welcome Violet. Yes it is entirely right that our kind do lurk in the caring professions because why not embed yourself in your particular hunting ground? I often say that if I need to be nursed better, I would want an empath to care for me, if I was at death’s door and needed urgent medical intervention give me Dr Narcissist as he will be focused and get the job done of saving HG.

      An interesting observation concerning the networks. It would be a less likely place to find empathic people, but were the people mainly ‘normals’ with a few of my kind in the mix?

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  7. Nope. They love the gore of world news and animal kingdom hierarchy of newsrooms. I’ve seen the worst of the worst and have always done it in my little empath bubble. I would never trust a journalist.

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  8. Make it all about you, again! 😛
    Seriously – it is a scary thought that those we trust to uphold the values of the community have none of their own.
    I feel like I have been working in morgues for ten years. I got ahead because they are constantly worrying about me outing them or noticing them. But one gave the game up when he yelled “we’re not covering those sicko paedophiles!!!!” in a completely out of the blue and inappropriate manner.
    Er – someone into kiddy porn?

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    1. But of course, it’s great talking about me because I am great!
      Yes, it is a troubling thought for those troubled by such things.
      I suspect that person probably was, Steel.

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