Eye Spy Sanctuary

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

21 thoughts on “Eye Spy Sanctuary

  1. Alissa says:

    Wow this is absolutely amazing. It’s almost shamanic as your dealing with two worlds , explains so much.

  2. Maddie says:

    did You see all that in my eyes? Look closer… can You see it?

  3. tkothoughts says:

    What are the things in your past that torment you? Specifically. You write very well but for spreading understanding, artful descriptions can create ambiguity and misinterpretation. I am intrigued by this side of your motivations. The dark things you fear. So much of your descriptions of yourself are as confidently superior. What are the things feared that you direct so much effort into avoiding? You even mention insanity. And how can you seem to be so intimately aware of their impact on you and yet not capable of simply facing them? Instead you seak such an intangible impermanent protection in the form of someone else’s perceived adoration.

    1. malignnarc says:

      The things in my past will be disclosed in tandem with my ongoing treatment. The things that I fear are very few in number but there are one or two and to face them is harder than being able to avoid them which is what I am able to do expertly well. I choose that option. I know however that I will be turned to face them. When that point is, I know not, but I will write further as it happens.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 very brave HG… Its hard But you will see the freedom afterwards.
        We all have that. Narcissists and CODs and even normal people….
        Good luck with that when the time comes 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

  4. mihaylovam says:

    This article answered so many question…to the T. For every next supply, do you put more effort? My ex seems to do what the previous woman was asking for, with the new one.

    1. malignnarc says:

      I daresay there are fluctuations in the amount of effort applied, some targets are easier than others.

    2. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome.

      1. Tamasha says:

        Who are you? We need to talk.. You can have some of my fuel. But I need some personalized answers..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          By all means, please see the consultations.

  5. nikitalondon says:

    Good morning HG
    What a beautiful piece. Very well expressed to describe the forms of adoration a N needs and desires and what comes up in their mind if they dont receive it..
    I suppose that it is a also a big part of the failure in the dance… The non narcissistic person enters the dance without knowing this, the narcissist expects it but never says… And like in any other relationship. Lack of communicatiom.
    Your feelings come across im such a nice way in this posting.
    Im fact Narcissists do express the need of their adoratiom, but since it is something completely strange to other peoples mind which are not narcissistic, then it comes across either as very arrogant, or not making sense.
    As you have it so clear and can tell it in such a nice way, as above, I am sure there is this girl for you to ensure the adoration sanctuary for you to make you feel secure and sheltered and protected and conmected and accompanied and loved ❤️.
    Have a very nice day and start of the week. ☀️

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Nikita.

  6. Debbie says:

    If we could maintain that perfect relationship for you and give you all the fuel you needed, would that be enough? Or do you always intentionally sabatoge a relationship when you think you have found someone else? Do you require both types of fuel from us? I enjoy being someone that can take care of you and others but when I start to see gaps in your stories and lies then I get upset. If I had never gotten upset and let you do what you wanted, would that have been enough to maintain a relationship with me? My ex told me at the end that he should get to do what he wanted when he wanted with no questions asked. I belive that a relationship should not work that way and it was not that way the first 3 years. I saw signs of things but nothing so bad that I could not stand it. But the last 2 years were horrible and I know his work was stressful and the hours were not good and he started spending his days off fine with friends drinking and leaving me with his girls. Promising them and I we would do stuff but he would never follow thru. If I had stuck it out and gave him lots of positive praise would he have went back to who he was or was he in self destruct mode already with the relationship? He also quit his job of 3 years where he made 25$ an hour and was a supervisor…he just quit showing up and they fired him! We were bringing in good money with our combined income and now he is making half of what he did before plus lost my income when I left. It is like he intentionally did this to himself but I’m sure he has blamed me but everyone sees now that is not the case. So how does all that fit into his game? Everyone said I was the best thing to happen to him and his girls and now he has moved some girl 12 years younger in a week after me…she’s 22 and is so dumb and has a bad relationship track record but of course she thinks he is a sugar daddy! So I guess I wised up to his game and he had to get rid of me???

    1. malignnarc says:

      The provision of fuel at the right level, frequency and potency is what is required and having this would be preferable. I do not intentionally sabotage a relationship when I have found someone else. I am forced to put in place a contingency in light of the likelihood of the primary source letting me down.If this did not happen, I would have no need to seek it from another. The negative fuel is stronger because gaining that from someone who is usually all about “light and love” makes it more potent but if the fuel was at the right level, frequency and potency then positive fuel alone would suffice I should imagine. IN your example the shift to negative fuel had already happened and in his eyes you had let him down. This meant that a return to positive fuel would not work as the negative flow had begun. He might shift things so positive fuel flows from you, when he allows a brief return to the golden period, but you choosing to do this would not be enough in itself. You let him down in his eyes with the supply of fuel, thus he shifted to taking negative fuel from you, dismayed that he every chose you (even though you would think to the contrary) and he selected a new primary source who is now supplying him with positive fuel and admiring and adoring this, as you say, sugar daddy.

  7. Freedom says:

    It’s a story of the chicken and the egg, which came first.
    Who key who down first ??
    My admiration, desire, longing where all still there until the other women started to bubble to the top. I don’t stay with cheaters no matter what the reason is for them. In your kinds case additional fuel. In my case I didn’t create the distance he did. I would have waited and been loving and true all I required in return was honesty, love, loyalty and respect.

    1. malignnarc says:

      You admiration, desire and longing may well have still been there from your perspective Freedom, but they were not from his. Hence he did what he did.

      1. Freedom says:

        HG you say they weren’t there from his perspective then I’m not sure what he wanted I had not changed only our locations. I could only say one thing had altered and that was I was beginning to see cracks in his stories, could that have been why he’d done what he did or just he’d found a supply closer to hand and no other reason than that.

        1. malignnarc says:

          The fact you found cracks meant that you were not providing the fuel to the level and potency he wanted and this caused him to seek out (or engage with fully the new source which he had already lined up as a contingency)

          1. Freedom says:

            How could I have maintained it to said level he desired if he’d introduced the location gap. I was the same person it was just when he came home for a visit he seemed different.

          2. malignnarc says:

            You could not and that was not your fault but in his eyes it was.

          3. Freedom says:

            Thanks HG 😊

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