Surely He Meant Some of It?




When we cast you aside in our callous manner and leave you despairing and devastated in the dirt, the smouldering ruins of the fabricated world now laid bare and razed to the ground, all around you, you will spend many hours dissecting, analysing and reviewing what has happened. The questions that form as a consequence of our magnificent seduction, our brutal abuse and our reckless discard come thick, fast and often. Did he love me? How could he have treated me this way? How did the happiness turn so sour and so quickly? Is he with someone else? How will he treat her? What if she makes him happy? How could he treat me like this after everything that I have done? How does he sleep at night? How can he look at himself in the mirror? Has he done this to other people? Maybe his ex-wife was right about him and tried to warn me? Did I do something wrong? Did I bring it on myself? What if I had tried harder to please him? Why did he not say he was unhappy with me, I would have done something about it? Why won’t he speak to me? Will I ever see him again?  What have I done to deserve this? Was he ever happy? Why was he so angry? Surely he meant some of it?

This last question is the refuge of the deluded. A place where you attempt to gain some solace and relief from the wounds that you still bear after becoming entangled with us. You look to any shred that may give you some comfort from the hurt, some piece of the jigsaw that will make everything click into place and some consolation that he really did love something about you and he showed that to you. You might seize upon all those times you and I attended those classical music concerts, when we sat holding hands and listen to the philharmonic orchestra as they played Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade. You remember looking across and smiling at how content I looked. I certainly seemed to be enjoying the performance and indeed I spoke about it in glowing terms in the bar afterwards. I may have enjoyed the performance and appreciated the skill and dedication of the musicians but I enjoyed more making you think that this was something I really enjoyed so that you poured admiration and positive fuel my way.

How about the excitement I exhibited when you organised for us to attend a wine tasting course led by that television personality? That must have been true appreciation of what you had organised for me. I appreciated how you had committed such a loving gesture and fuelled me as I became excited at the prospect of showing off in front of the other attendees about my knowledge of wine and outshining the personality. That is what motivated me.

You look back through the love letters, the elegant copper plate handwriting which conveyed such deep and heartfelt emotions. The words were so moving and now as you re-read them the tears form in your eyes as the memory of hearing me reading to them cuts through you. Surely I must have meant those words, they are so passionate and meaningful. I meant those words as a way to gain more fuel from you, to make you want me all the more and your tearful appreciation made me feel powerful and fuelled as I read to you.

You recall your favourite restaurant and the numerous times that I took you there. Surely I enjoyed that? I always complimented the chef and on several times I booked it as a surprise. I found the food mediocre but your reaction to knowing that you were going there and your gushing appreciation when we dined at this restaurant meant that enduring the bland cuisine and irritating maitre’d was entirely worth it.

How about then the times we danced cheek to cheek to Sade or Dido. You felt so close to me then and hadn’t I said that I felt as if time had stood still and the rest of the world had melted away. Surely I must have meant that? Not so, I hated those artists and I wiled away the tedious minutes drinking in your fuel and plotting my further machinations.

There are occasions when we do certain things for you, or behave in a certain way, or do things with you which may coincide with things that we like. I will admit that, but to say that we loved them and to say that we loved them because of you is erroneous. What we loved more than anything was the fuel that you provided to us as a consequence of your reaction to dining at that restaurant, or dancing cheek to cheek or attending the basketball together. The outings with friends, the gardening together, the sex, the holding hands, the playing of computer games, the films, the television shows and on and on, all of it was love because of the fuel you gave when we did those things together and you deemed them to be special. It was the fuel. You may delude yourself and feel free to do so, it will just make hoovering you at a later stage easier. Convince yourself some of it was real. Convince yourself that some of it was worthwhile and not wasted. That is your choice and one which makes you all the more susceptible to me sinking my teeth into you again and drawing yet more fuel from you. So, when you ask yourself yet again that surely he meant some of it when I did as I did and said as I said, you know the answer is that the only thing I meant was that I loved the fuel you gave me.



59 thoughts on “Surely He Meant Some of It?

  1. Empath Extraordinaire (EE) says:

    Hi HG!
    In the past few days, after having discovered this site, thanks to you, I have gone from a crying, non-functioning heap on my bed to going about my day gleefully literally laughing out loud to myself, many times throughout the day, due to your very humorous style of writing!

    One of my favorites is, “I wiled away the tedious minutes drinking in your fuel and plotting my further machinations.” I love it! I find your portrayal of the N’s thoughts hilarious – despite that I myself am a victim of one.

    The first night I found this site, I stayed up almost the whole entire night reading post after post after post. Learning a lot & also laughing until my stomach hurts!

    I just booked a consultation with u! I do not want to GOSO, no way. I love my N, I don’t care what happens. I need your help in excruciating hellish predicament tho. Can’t wait to get your insight into my own life circumstances, can’t believe this service is even available, it’s awesome! Thank u for existing, HG! ❤️😊

    I love u & I am wishing u lots & lots of high-grade, top-quality, premium F U E L…!!! 👍😬😘

  2. Freedom says:

    BTW Hi HG 😊😊

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Freedom.

    2. Sherry Mitcham says:

      Wow really?

  3. red says:

    This, is exactly why i rather just not be alive, its something i can not face.

    1. Freedom says:

      I to thought I couldn’t get through the pain. But after reading this blog and seeing how others had made it along with hearing others stories I got started to live again. I still have bad days but far fewer than in the early days post discard. Just keep learning and soon you will turn a corner. 😊

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are seizing the power Freedom.

      2. red says:

        Thank you, i think it was Ice T that sang the lyrics this isnt a race, its a marathon.
        …i intend to run it, and run it well. But like you said, eventually you turn the corner, i just hope its soon, it will be a year in march i was discarded ( no more us in the sense of togetherness, but promises of a us if i kept beleving him and trusting) and ive been sucked back in a few times since. I work with him, 10 years now, and he has made threats and involved people at work and smeared me. It often feels hopeless, and toxic. How do you overcome this…i guess i just give it my very best.

  4. Kerri says:

    I’m far from deluded . when I first started my research into the narcassist after a physically brutal discard a few months ago I immediately accepted nothing was REAL … Nothing!!! …..Hard but true! It hurts……But When you know this , you know you will never go back . So EVIL can hoover away whenever he likes, but he will never get another drop of fuel out of me . Bastard!

  5. Maddie says:

    so shall I assume that every word from You is just a manipulation? You have no need to manipulate me…at all…

  6. FA says:


    I read ” what to come will be better than what has passed you by ” I thought if I want situation to get better than old has to go .

    HG writing such eye opener and answered many questions and in a way helped made the long coming decision . I get strong urge to hurt him back or revenge . I want to him to feel the pain he made me feel. He will lay beside me and not even kiss/hug. Or make excuses he has cold and next day he will drive 5 hours journey with that cold .. how stupid was I. I asked him are you not sexually attracted you me anymore. He replied with laughing I’m only attracted to myself …..
    Only thing give me comfort is everytime he had “cold” I laughed at him saying ” o offcourse sky has fallen ” I never looked after him

  7. FA says:


    These question go through in my head literally all the time . I finished with my ex , I went no contact after reading all your blogs without giving him any warning. I blocked him . He can’t contact me . And he has too bigger ego or no need of me to come to my work . But I got all these questions in my mind . Why me ?? Will he change for someone else ? How do I get him out of my mind . Any tips??

    1. malignnarc says:

      Why you? Because you fitted the traits he requires – read Sitting Target to understand what those are. Will he change for someone else? Not a chance. It may look that way if you happen to see him, look at his social media etc but that is just the golden period for your replacement. How do you get him out of your mind? This is the hardest part but there is much you can do. You need to take steps to remove him from your mind as much as possible, then discipline yourself to keep him out and then fill your mind with other things so you in effect “train” yourself to diminish the effects of our manipulations which are designed to keep us in your heads, occupying the space, even when we have been subjected to no contact. Apply the content of Escape and No Contact in terms of purging the ever presence as far as you can, distracting yourself and discipline yourself not to think about him. There is plenty there to assist you in neutralising or at least diminishing the effect of our manipulations. It is hard because we make it hard but it is achievable. Keep reading so you understand what has happened and what may happen so you are prepared. You need to be governed by logic and not emotion and that is one of the hardest things for people such as yourself because emotions a re very much part of your constitution. You need to look to your own defences as detailed in Escape and No Contact, you have taken a significant step in ensuring he cannot contact you. Now you need to allow the emotion to process out. This can take weeks or months. I can tell you how to counter our manipulative techniques which are applied when we are present and absent. I am not someone who is able to offer you anything in terms of the emotional healing as that is alien to me, although there a re plenty of resources out there which deal with that side of things. I detail how to address those things we have done, continue to do and will do next so you can guard against the, time plays its part as well.

    2. T says:


      I’m impressed at your will to go no contact the right way! Pretty awesome, FA!
      I recommend HG’s book Escape! I was in a dark place when I found HG’s books…..Eacape really helped me pull myself out!

      Come to this blog anytime for support! Welcome!

  8. Confused2.o says:

    Thank you both for your insight. You are right, I am new to this, just learning that my life of 22 years has been a lie. I so appreciate the suggestions of how to get through from one single mother to another.
    Yes, I’m reading every spare moment that I have. I want to learn so I don’t repeat.
    I did have to see my ex today at my sons school. He has been threatening me all week about visitation with the kids. I’ve just ignored. I refuse to give him one more minute of my thoughts… Or at least I’m TRYING!! He tried continuously to catch my gaze this morning. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. It was strictly to intimidate me.. It’s so true that when I have to see him it stirs my brain. On the way home tonight from work, I pass right by the house of one of the women that he is USING NOW.. He was driving the car of the OTHER WOMAN that he is now using. One is in AA and the other a nurse. BOTH VERY NEEDY, unattractive, and both have been in terrible marriages and now are divorced. They know nothing of each other. My ex, during one of our “back sleeping together times” in December, told me that the only reason he sees either is because I won’t come back permanently… So, you see, THAT is my fault too. I made him see other women. He is taking money and possessions from both. I know that one of them has been paying for his attorney to continue to dance with me in the courtroom. Your post on “the courtroom” I would have SWORN was about my ex.
    He told me “surely you don’t think I have anything going on with….., have you seen her? What he meant was she is extremely overweight, he was saying he would not be seen with her, she is FAT… HIS WORDS! The other one is butch, she is a landscaper… Drives a truck, BOTH soo opposite of me.,however they both offer him sympathy and most of all MONEY and obviously FUEL… It used to make me CRAZY, questioning my own self worth and appearance. NOW I KNOW, it makes no difference what they LOOK like.., it’s what he gets from them that matters., again, they have no idea of each other… And absolutely NO IDEA OF WHO MY EX TRULY IS.., just grateful it’s NOT ME. Is this behavior typical of other NARCS?
    Question, last one… For now.. Can I expect him to be done with me now? He has 2 other sources of fuel, isn’t that enough? Am I safe? I know that I probably delayed this by going back in December, he told me that the only reason he was over at the landscapers house was because 1. He works for her on the side of his primary job, and 2. He was lonely and I wouldn’t come back to him..
    Now that I have changed courses and I refuse to communicate with him verbally, won’t he turn his attention to them, or her, or the other her? What can I expect next… Just NEED TO BE PREPARED. Thank you for your responses back to me… I can’t tell you how grateful that I am!!!

    1. malignnarc says:

      With regard to your question you will have a hiatus because he has other sources of fuel but he will not leave you alone. He will want to hoover you. The extent of this will depend on what type of narcissist he is and also the extent to which you give him the opportunity to do so by sailing close to this sphere of influence. Read No Contact and this will tell you more about this and also read Black Hole as both will prepare you for what is to come in considerable detail.

  9. Confused2.O says:

    That was a scary statement. I have some eyeopeners ahead? Sounds like something he would have thrown out there to make me loose my mind with FEAR of how he was planning to toture me next. He had this sick demented grin, when he was lying, which was every time he opened his mouth. He has had me arrested for things that I NEVER DID. His mother worked for victim witness in the county courthouse.. He was ALWAYS believed. He would charm a SNAKE out of a hole. ANYTHING to scare me, to keep me in my place. He was always sick, unable to help with kids, he talked in circles, round and round.. ESPECIALLY if I was on to his lies. Good lord, I’d just give up and agree.. Anything to SHUT HIM UP and make it stop! He took pride in upsetting me. I should have known on our wedding day, he is in the wedding video telling his groomsmen how to get me upset, he was in the delivery room having our first child telling the nurses how to get a good vein on me, he would say ” watch this” I can make her so mad that her vein pops out of her forehead. You can put the IV there. Who does that? I mean he was always laughing, as if he were kidding… HE WASNT! They all thought he was so witty and funny.
    Should have known?? I am a DUMBASS. Ohh and I not only stayed, I even went back EVERY TIME, thinking my kids needed a father. After all, mine left when I was 15. I was a smart, somewhat attractive, and an independent woman. I went to college, was in a sorority, was presented at cotillion, had countless friends.. Hell, I had 12 bridesmaids at our wedding. The groomsmen were my friends too, he didn’t have any… I Am not stupid, Or at least I used to not be. I have a great job, lots of responsibility and I am well respected… Not if they KNEW! I’ve worked so hard, and at every turn, he has tried to sabotage me. He has tried to turn my family against me, sabotage my career, however, he LOVES MY MONEY, and KILLS any self esteem that I EVER HAD! I wake up with one eye open, wondering what he is planning every day. I have been reading ALL that I can about all that you say. I’ve refrained from contact, however, we have 3 children. And we will have to “share” custody of my middle child for the rest of my lifetime to his special needs. The other 2, LOATHE HIM. In the end, they BEGGED me to leave him. They knew BEFORE ME. They are only 17 and 12??? However, my dumb ass had signed over custody of my kids because he threatened me so severely.. I am proud to say that with thousands of dollars and countless hours in a courtroom, I have rectified that mistake. I took my children and GOT OUT. Got custody back.. But due to our child’s lifelong diagnosis, it is recommended that BOTH parents be involved in his care. 1 week on, 1 week off. Hardest thing I have EVER had to accept. So, you see, I will FOREVER have to deal with this SICKO! What to do in my situation? I have stopped ALL VERBAL COMMUNICATION, only thru email or texts. He LOST IT when I put this in place. Has tried to find ANY REASON to HAVE TO TALK TO ME. Going so far as to call me at 4:30am, worried that something had happened to my child, OF COURSE, I answered. There was NOTHING WRONG WITH MY CHILD. He was calling me to tell me that he thought he needed to go to the hospital. That he had been diagnosed with something terminal.. To this moment, I still have no idea what his diagnosis was…. Sure I do…. THERE IS NOT ONE!
    Tomorrow morning, I have to attend a special education meeting and he will be there also. I am DOOMED for life. I can’t get away from him. I am doing all that you recommend that I possibly CAN do. I don’t react to his crazy emails or text anymore with crazier responses..he only took those to his attorney and said look, see how crazy she behaves… I GET IT, I BELIEVE YOU, I AGREE WITH YOU, but how they hell do I “beat the N” if I can’t get away from the N??? Sorry so much. It just POURED OUT. I’ve been so removed from talking to anyone, no one would believe me anyway… RIGHT?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Confused, it is evident you are very much in his grip both in terms of interaction and emotionally.All of this is by design of course. I see your need to justify your good traits, which again is something we bring out in our victims as we make you justify that you are not the bad person. There is no shame in being duped. It happens to many,many people and will continue to do so because we are so hard to spot and we charm you before you know anything is wrong. We charm everybody. You have seen it yourself repeatedly with your examples about being at hospital. He is saying something horrible about you but everyone thinks it is amusing. You need to keep on in the manner you are, keep reading so you keep understanding and reminding yourself of why you are fighting this battle. At present, because you are caught in the emotional grip, it feels hard but this will process out of your system and so long as you keep applying the principles too starve him of fuel it will become easier. He will still have a connection with you owing to the children but as he realises this connection yields less and less fuel, he will use it less. Right now you are on the back foot, tired, emotional and worn down but as time goes on the pendulum will start to move.He gets less fuel, you feel less emotional, you start to feel stronger so you exert more control to remove the fuel, he gets even less fuel, you find an equilibrium, you feel stronger and on it goes. You are pushing a boulder up a hill and at this juncture the effort required to get it moving is immense but once it gets going it will become easier. Read Escape so you can counter his manipulations, read Fuel so you understand what drives him and then keep on reading. Talk to the other posters here, they are intelligent and constructive people who will also offer you help beyond that which I can because they are caring and compassionate. Work your way through to Revenge. Remember, our kind needs fuel. If someone stops supplying it we have to go elsewhere. That is what you must do. It may take time but it will eventually happen. It always does.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Hi Confused.
      I am sorry to hear the troubles you had with your ex-husband and with your kid and his medical needs.
      He seems to very difficult and taking away your energies rather than contributing to something positive.
      I am also single mother who works and although my children dont have special needs and are very good students and very disciplined, ( which I still cant believe as I was the contrary in school 😂😂)arranging myself to find someone who could pick them up from school and take them to afterschool activities was a challenge to find somebody that I could trust, as their dad is a career man and did not offer help if its during work hours and anyway he lives too far.
      So I do pay for everything, for a cleaning lady, for a nanny, and I have an insurance that will send me a nanny if they are sick one morning and cant go to school. and even if this means less money at the end of the month, i dont have to deal with energy draining interactions.
      My ex and me get along well and he helps when He feels like it and its even a gratyfting help. Which is now pretty often I have to say… So just try to arrange yourself with paid services or family or friends or other institutions but let him out. Even if he is the dad. Look out for yourself and your mental balance and your energy.
      Of course its no fun to have all the responsability but when you make the balance it seems you loose less energy by doing alone than by interacting with him.
      Good luck 🙏🏻. And all the best.

  10. Freedom says:

    Bethany, he’s the loser, I have to keep telling myself that ever day that I start to doubt myself.

    I want to feel sorry for my exes new wife who he could have only know just under a year max to 12 weeks min.

    I don’t think she could love him or give him any better fuel than I did. So I tell myself she’ll meet the same fate.

    Stay strong xx

    1. T says:

      N1 married someone else and never forgave me for ending the relationship the last time. He was so cruel post breakup, that I am the one that actually FELT discarded…(nevermind HE broke up w me numerous times during our on/off 25 year relationship)…he never spoke to me again.

      To look at his wife’s social media accounts you’d think that she was in Heaven being married to him…..but we all know the truth…they’ve been married over 3 years now.

      My advice is to move on, Freedom. Starting dating casually again and learn a new hobby….waiting for the failure of his marriage is a waste of your life….and neither he or she will let on that there is trouble in paradise to the public….and that is just going to break your heart each time you see it. *hugs*

      1. Freedom says:

        Thanks T

        Don’t think I want to do any sort of dating my heart is broken beyond repair. I’ll never trust or love anyone as a partner ever again.

  11. T says:

    ….what I meant to ask is this?: Are you 100% sure our time with you meant nothing? Because the “punishment” for disappointing you is over the top…and a very wise man once said…

    “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.”
    ― Martin Luther King Jr.


    1. malignnarc says:

      Hard to accept isn’t it? The sole purpose was to gain fuel. If we happened to enjoy doing similar things to you that was a coincidence, it was always about the fuel.

    2. mlaclarece says:

      It is crazy T. My relationship was different in that there was a large age gap thus happy ever after forever was not going to be in the cards but definitely a good run could have been had with some amazing memories for the 3 years or more he was in my life instead of 100 stops and starts with mentally abusive silent treatments. Except my rationale was giving him a free pass that his feelings are scaring him or the age gap is holding him back. I would pull away and not reach out. He would always resurface in 2-3 weeks and we’d have another couple month run. I never could have imagined someone being wired like this as the reason. I would always have that rush of relief drown over me when he’s get in touch and I would think I was under his skin because he had real feelings. Plus he is a family friend of my employer who I socialize frequently with. For that sake I always wanted a peaceful ending. But constant red flags came with medical emergencies or personal life issues and he lacked any compassion and turned to an iceberg bigger than the Titanic’s.

  12. T says:

    The devalue and discard come from us disappointing you kind, HG?
    I, for one; could never be hurt by someone whom I did not love….and once I end a relationship with someone incapable of making me happy…I have zero desire to revisit that relationship outside of civility or platonic friendship. Narc’s are wired differently…because you all put a great deal of effort into someone you see as flawed or wrong for you. It takes a HUGE effort for an empath to give someone the silent treatment and ignore them…’s easier just to answer the question(s) and be done with an issue. At first, we take your silence for being too hurt or emotional to deal with us and the situation…

    Before the last N I was involved with, I had a relationship with a normal guy. We parted civilly, and when my dad died he was there for me and my family. He proposed to me shortly after that…..I had zero desire to reunite with him because he couldn’t make me happy in a relationship.
    The difference between an N and a normal guy is that we’d NEVER Hoover someone we were not happy with…..

    HG, does that make sense to you? You wonder why we think it’s true love? It’s because your type returns….and usually with a grand gesture….a normal guy that was unhappy with a woman wouldn’t do that….that’s why we keep getting duped by you all I guess….

    1. mlaclarece says:

      T, I relate completely with everything you’re saying. Especially hoovering someone repeatedly if they don’t make you happy. It was driving me to sheer madness. Ever hear the saying, “divorce can bring the ugly out in people”? My divorce did not. Our mediator actually complimented us saying she wished she could have had other clients sit in on our sessions because we were very considerate especially of our child’s time between us.
      The Narc however, post my divorce, omg, each discard would make me methodically choose to get nastier with him thinking I’d push him away for good. Not like me characteristically, but with him, what I evolved into. Always came back. However this last time, he went silent on Feb 1, I was really trying to give positive, adoring fuel in testing out some of H.G.’s theories, but he is staying away. Maybe it’s because I didn’t pull the crazy card this time.
      H.G. will probably tell you the hoovers happen because their logic and world view is different and it makes complete sense to them.

      1. T says:

        Mla…..It’s crazy, right?! In normal breakups, when exes come back it’s because they love you and they want to try again.
        We should never feel bad about being duped by the N, but we all do….
        my last ex set the pace of our relationship…wanted marriage…a life together…and swore his undying love.
        When he broke up with me….it seemed to come out of nowhere….when I finally accepted it and agreed to a friendship he got ugly again….so I stopped being his friend and moved on….and he got mad at me again.

        I just wanted things to end on good terms…why couldn’t he just be cool about it? He kicked me in the teeth with a discard after my parents passed away within 5 weeks of each other….WHO DOES THAT?!

        HG, where does hate like that come from? He had everything he wanted…..

        1. malignnarc says:

          The hate comes from the need to gather fuel and the fact you failed (not in your eyes, in his) to provide it. The hate is required to further his machinations to gather the fuel. You think he had everything he wanted when looked at from your view point, but from his view point he did not. Hence the way you were treated.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            And there on out lays the groundwork for continual punishment. You keep hoovering when you can so you can sweep us up then push us off the cliff even farther for disappointing you the first time?

      2. T says:

        HG, I know you are 100% right…but as an empath being a failure in our relationships (intimate,friends,family,work), is devastating to us. Keeping the peace and being helpful is our “fuel”. I wish he had told me something was missing…I would have fixed it..he expected me to read his mind. He only said that I had everything he wanted….he didn’t like opinionated women…but he seemed to enjoy the political debates we had….I wonder now if that made him feel criticized? I just know I had his back and I loved him. If he feels he can “do” better….I’d sure like to see it….

  13. bethany7337 says:

    And P. Fucking. S. I was the best fuel that beast will EvER hope to extract from anywhere or any one! He may be able to distract himsekf into eternity with knock off versions but mine was the sweetest, kindest, hottest, smartest and most loving fuel that clown will ever experience.

    1. T says:

      EXACTLY! Bethany, I know you are right about that!!!
      My ex can’t replace me….I can’t see him finding a better, kinder, loving woman….but I will let him find that out himself…

      1. malignnarc says:

        But he will find that because viewed through our outlook on the world you failed. The new primary source is superior in so many ways. We re-write history because of course the winner always gets to write the history.

      2. T says:

        well…that is probably why it is taking him so long to find another gf…..he’s been at it since December……
        and in our world “winners” don’t hack into “losers” emails or facebook accounts….we end things civilly and move on…
        We really do have a different worldview, HG….Thanks….

      3. bethany7337 says:

        I wonder HG…does the N ever think of us in such terms “she was best fuel I ever had” Or is the N mind so compartmentalized that there is no room to consider/compare once there is a replacement?

        1. malignnarc says:

          We do think it. Most of the time however our thoughts are ” she IS the best fuel I have ever had” as what is in front of us is regarded as the best and what went before is old hat.

          1. bethany7337 says:

            when that is not the case, does the N delude himself?

  14. bethany7337 says:

    So amazing that literally EVERY person involved with an N experiences the same feeling of being “tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage”…my words to him after I ended the relationship but responded to a Hoover where he made sure I got to experience the first (and last) full expression and disclosure of his cold and callous regard for me.

    I reacted …for a minute or two…by telling him that he had done so and his response was that he had not thrown me away…reminding ne of how many times I had ended the relationship.

    I am sure, in his mind, I’m the one who was cold and callous for leaving. I wasn’t about to rage and flip out for too long…I sensed he had lived for this moment for a long time. To see my hurt and bewilderment at his total lack of emotion. I knew he had latched on to someone else at that point and I finally KNEW everything I had feared about him was true.

    I crawled into a metaphorical cave for many seasons and licked my wounds and slowly came back to life. A butterfly emerged from the cave. But, I do still wonder HG…

    Did he remind me that it was I that had ended the relationship to escape blame and accountability for his horrible post relationship behavoir?
    Was he punishing me?

  15. Confused2.0 says:

    What about our children? We have 3.. One with special needs, autism. This N is CLASSIC. Together for 22 years. Break up and make up.. He lived for it.. CHAOS. All the time. Met in AA… 22 years ago.. YOUNG. Been through his relapses, and mine, HE DROVE ME TO KNOW I AM CRAZY. I totally believe he liked me better using. The control he had. I’ve been sober over 8 years now. I would get sober for 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, relapse.., it was the only way I could cope. Break up and make up, he filed for divorce 4 times, LOVED to serve me papers in public. Then we would get back together right before signing the papers, oh, never living separate, ate dinner at the same table every night. NEVER knew what was coming next. I thought I was staying for our children. OMG. Does he even care for them? Can they survive this? Only out 2 months. Just realized 4 weeks ago that he truly is an N! Omg!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Keep reading Confused, you have some eye openers ahead but it will enable you to understand and make sense of what you have endured.

  16. nikitalondon says:

    I know HG , I know. It has all come to place now, to gain an understanding.
    From our side of the world it means to put in much more effort into the relationship “ high mantainance” like a friend of mine said many many years ago to one of her boyfriends.
    This guy needs attention all the time, my life has to revolve around him …. They are now married. I don’t know if happily but married. I will ask around just for curiosity  how it is going.
    I see your point that nobody has the right to say that it is wrong, the problem is that the hurt that comes out when you don’t put in the right effort and in the right way, can leave devastating scars ( the aftermath), so I guess this is why all the groups on codependency and narcissitic abuse there are. And this is why so many people see it as wrong.
    In my empathic mind its also difficult to think about that if a person is born a narcissist then he is denied automatically the right, to be happy, to have a happy life, a happy partnership….
    I guess every single piece has to fit perfectly for the puzzle to be formed and I still think if there is understanding and effort from both parts the first pieces of the puzzle can be put together…..

  17. Nikitalondon says:

    I also spent 14 years with my ex-husband but our lives revolved mainly around the kids rather than us and his life revolves still around the kids, so it’s a funny feeling . I see the kids are fuel for him so we were fuel for him. Family for fuel.
    Last ex, we did so many wonderful things together, and its difficult to believe it was just for fuel, of course the last I heard from him some months ago was how special everything with me had been… but I do believe you because once during a conversation he said “ every woman I have been with will remember me as the guy who made it really special for them”. “ I am not at all like the other men”
    So planned and programmed I suppose and then he got the fuel and tons of it from our reactions that he could really make life special. Made him feel divine ….
    Anyway I don’t think in any negative way. If it was fuel it was fuel .That is how narcissists feel because they cant feel differently. We fall in love , they drink fuel. We give love, they give golden period. Just take it in an objective way. I will put it into my mind like this.
    A different logic, a different way of seeing the world, a different way of feeling. But the difference to love ( here I list only the negative part) fuel takes more efforts, fuel is more risky, fuel can hurt more, fuel confuses…..
    The positive part : the golden period

    1. malignnarc says:

      Indeed Nikita, we look at things in a different way to the manner in which you do and who is to say which is right or wrong?

  18. mlaclarece says:

    I guess I’m becoming more accepting of this concept. I’m not in shock and denial like last fall when I would first read this.
    I believe 1 of the reasons we are so befuddled with these questions and analyzing every detail is because there is a disbelief you are really gone this time. We become so conditioned to the push/pull, the silent treatments lasting longer and longer, the starts / stops and when it’s started back up with a Hoover it feels so amazing. I heard a term called arousal jag where our brains are actually getting excited for the eventual Hoover with that rush.
    But there is the connection on your side. You can’t survive without that fuel which is pure excitement to you. It’s not absolute nothing.

    1. alexis2015s says:

      Haha thanks so sad. 💋

  19. alexis2015s says:

    I think you’ve got this one wrong HG because mine told me I was beautiful, sexy, funny and modest with it.

    And he was damn right !!

    1. malignnarc says:

      Ha ha, I think he was talking to himself.

      1. alexis2015s says:

        Hahha if that’s the case then he was clearly deluded !!

        Are trying to D&D me now HG ? They’re coming to take me away haha

        1. malignnarc says:

          I could never d and d you Alexis, you amuse me too much.

          1. alexis2015s says:

            I’m not sure – do you really mean that though 😉

          2. malignnarc says:

            Ha ha but of course. I mean everything I say,you know that.

    2. Kerri says:

      Love it! 👌👌

  20. So Sad says:

    Good morning HG ,

    Wow .. !

    I mean I understand it now , accepted it was all fake but boy it hurts to the core to read it .

    Over a year on & I still find it difficult to come to terms that it was all about him & never about me . We laughed & joked , spent every second in each others company , couldn’t bare to be apart . I spent 14 years with this man , how could I have not known?

    I’m an intelligent woman . I pride myself on the fact that I can spot a bad apple within minutes , but 14 years and I was blind to it all..
    To read it meant nothing to him when he was my world still fills me with emotion . He’d like that though wouldn’t he , that he can still have that last drop of fuel without even thinking about me . Ba%$ard !
    Note to oneself .. DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN ANYMORE HEAD SPACE . If only it was that easy . Such a bitter pill to swallow .

    I’m going to go for a long walk in the spring sunshine today and Narc can carry on doing well , what narc does best . I won’t be thinking about him . Not today anyway .

    Thank you once again for the virtual kick up the backside . Very much appreciated HG . I hope you have the sunshine too . Enjoy 🙂

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome So Sad and your reactions are exactly what we expect but notice how now you are gaining understanding and reaching the conclusions yourself?

      1. So Sad says:

        Thanks HG . It takes an awful long time though .

        You shine a light where the professionals don’t. They can make the coffee , sit and nod in the right places , say a prayer , pretend to understand how we feel , read all the text books know to man, whatever . BUT unless you’ve lived it , experienced it in real time I don’t think anyone can say they truly know the mind of a narc unless they are of course one themselves . I wonder if your doctors actually know what they’re dealing with . ( said in the nicest possible way )

        Sometimes I wish I could completely blank him out of my memory or fast forward to the time where I wake up one day & realise that I haven’t thought about him for a few days . I don’t miss him, in fact the thought of him ever trying to get back into my life fills me with horror.

        I remember when we met , it all seemed so innocent , he was just being kind , even that wasn’t real . Little did I know that the kind stranger would eventually ” Love ” me so much he would try to kill me …

        Alrighty . I’m off for that walk , going to put my headphones on . stride out & think positive thoughts 🙂 .. Have a nice afternoon HG.

  21. Freedom says:

    Those questions have been going round and round in my head. Wish I’d never danced with your kind !

    My ex is still posing as the happily married newly wed. It has definitely opened my wound again, I need to get out of the pool before the other narcs start circling.

  22. Sheila says:

    Too true, you can’t think anything that happened in the relationship was ‘real’ on the part of the N. No matter what was said, done or hinted at during the love-bombing it was all designed to provide the fuel. You are, after all no more then an appliance.

    Gee 4 am makes me cynical and harsh lol

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