Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me

I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.

Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.

“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”

“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”

“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”

“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”

Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or beggin me to stop, so long as it id directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.

When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone of something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.

Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.

I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full or woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.

Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?

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42 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me”

  1. “That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”
    I did hear a version of that on the rare occasions that I got 98 or 99%.
    “Well now…looks like someone isn’t interested in their future now, doesn’t it?
    Or…
    “I knew your mother shouldn’t have let you go horse riding (first time in 6 mths) on the weekend, with that boy. You’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t knuckle down”
    I once protested my annoyance at the teacher (in the middle of an exam), as I had never seen a particular exam question topic, in biology. I had no understanding of the subject it questioned. They told me that not everyone does know every answer. (I had studied hard and did know all of it, off by heart!) As they had photocopied some of our course notes as handouts, turns out that 8 of us in the class had 5 pages missing! I got my notes out to prove it. Others timidly protested too. I was ordinarily a shy, timid girl, unless injustice occured. The teacher said “it was only worth 2% anyway!” I was devastated. (I knew the possible short and long term consequences to come. There was nothing I could do) I told my mum when I got home and she said “that’s bad luck, but 98% was a pretty good mark.” She said “I’d be pleased if I was ever lucky enough to get that.” My father walked in, on the tail end of my concerns, and asked me why I only received 98%. (He had no idea what it was for etc, as he was only randomly home and didn’t care to actually engage with me. He just cared about my results on my report) I explained. He looked at me with disgust and said, “it is clear you just have no interest in doing well and are trying to blame others for your lack of effort.” I simply said that I was sorry, that I’d make sure I did better. He walked off and commented that, I never listened to his advice anyway and that my mother was too lenient on me…He was in a rather good mood, so it seemed.
    I decided to count my blessings and I went to my room.
    Despite my mum’s efforts to console me and understand my concerns earlier, all I felt was failure. I knew better than to cry, or argue in my father’s presence. I was not allowed to do either; period. Especially, if he became angry and punished me…nothing ever changed. I could never cry, even if he’d given me something to cry about; actually especially or he’d threaten to REALLY give me something to cry about. On the somewhat better times where i was grounded and had hours of chores to do each day; making studying and homework near impossible.

    My results were most often 100%.
    So mostly it was…
    “Mmm…I guess you can apply yourself when you want to now. Can’t you?” And walked off saying. “Make sure you keep it up. I doubt if you’ll be able to”.
    The best (worst) I found was that my sisters had terrible grades and he never said anything to them?!
    If they did wrong (fighting, breaking things, being too loud etc) I was reprimanded for not making sure they behaved; as i knew better. Even if I was in my room studying. (They are only a couple of years younger than me!)
    Etc, etc, etc.
    I truly see all you say HG. I guess it just makes us who we are…you did say co dependents and N’s were forged under similar circumstances. Perhaps you have a very valid point…

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  2. I can imagine you were withheld to such standards with your mom mainly, judging by what I have read. Then you get used to having these standards and this is why the people who are with you also have to stand up to these standards.
    The story over and over again…. Not being loved for what we are but for what we can do and this is how we become Cod or narcissists. Much in common.
    Very good writing to explain why you cant be ignored HG.
    Seems to come out of your heart.
    You are to me what you are here and in your books….and what I sense… U R the 🌔 The bright side of the moon and 👀 BBE (💓)….
    Like you are 😘

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  3. Oh yeah, “90 is good, but it’s not 100” (on the New York State Regents Exam in high school American History)…the school & the state said I did just fine, gave me the credit to move ahead to the next course, but my mother wanted me to go to summer school & take the American History exam again because SHE FELT that 90 wasn’t good enough. Not that anything was ever good enough.

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  4. H.G…this is a lot of powerful insights packed into this blog. Very telling. You do acknowledge knowing your behavior when seeking the negative fuel is bad and wrong although that can’t be altered because you have to win in order to maintain feeling powerful.
    On the other hand, nobody wants to be ignored. Everyone on some level wants to feel as though someone would love them enough that they would rather be miserable with that person in their life, (hopefully not indefinitely but at least thru the curve balls life throws at us) than happy and alone. Ignored = being forgotten.
    I have written before I was painfully shy growing up. I had one close girlfriend in grade school who I would get scheduled play dates with about once a week. My brother didn’t come along until I was 10. I was mostly just around parents and relatives. So I wasn’t out getting rough and tumbled in sports or playing a lot with other kids. It always made me more mature for my age because, well, I interacted mostly with adults outside of school. In the 7th grade, my one close friend moved away and I struggled that year shifting with the other groups of girls who all established their best friend(s). So I was usually 3rd, 4th, or 5th wheel. At the end of the year, this one boy, Nick, looked at me and out of the blue said, “Nothing you think or say matters. You don’t matter. Why are you even here?”. I still remember that clear as a bell. He wasn’t even popular himself and I couldn’t understand why he said that to me but it affected me profoundly. I found out many years later, “Nick” committed suicide in his mid-thirties. At 12 years old I had no clue about transferring feelings. I’m sure he was projecting whatever rotten mood he was in or what was happening in his life and targeting me to unleash. But back then, it was like he was named spokesperson for the class letting me in on the secret handshake that everyone felt about me and I finally got clued in on.
    That is why as an adult, I absolutely become unglued and my temper will flare profusely if I’m ignored. Being ignored proves you don’t matter.
    Lastly, do you think your subconscious is trying to force your intimate partner who is being pulled in both positive and negative manipulations by your cognitive self to confront The Creature so you don’t have to? If an intimate partner was exposed to it which is at the very core of your being and the crux of the childhood wound never healed and still loves you stays with you, wouldn’t that finally be someone giving you their absolute all?

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    1. Thank you for your post MLA and it is interesting to read how being ignored affects you, even though you are not one of us, or are you?! NIck was indeed projecting on to you. There was no basis for his comments but he wanted to offload how he felt onto you.
      With regard to your final paragraph I do not think it is because I am able to avoid confronting the creature through other methods so I do not need to use that intimate partner in that way. I of course use their fuel to preserve the construct and thus the shield, so they are used in that sense. I dare not expose them to the creature for if they rejected it, all would be lost. I need to go and find some fuel now.

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      1. Me, one of you? Wired with some empathy, compassion and a moral compass? Now that would make me a handful for sure then.
        But what if you found someone you could dare to show the creature because they wouldn’t reject you??? The creature is in essence you, not a separate entity in reality. The seed is planted now… what if?… what if?…what if?

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      2. I can only find out by exposure, there is no guarantee and it is not a risk I can take. The seed may have been planted but it is not going to get any water or sunshine.

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      3. Yes HG what if? What if they knew and didn’t care ? What if they had a beast of there own to keep at bay? Staying with someone through all of it, the good the bad and the ugly isn’t that what real love is?? Wouldn’t that be the ultimate fuel supply? Xx

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      4. So HG even knowing and accepting the beast as a part of you still wanting to be with you and love you no matter how rough the road may get is still not the ultimate fuel for you? 😢

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      5. That is acceptance and understanding Fool Me which whilst desirable with reference to the creature, it is the fuel that is ultimately required.

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      6. So you deny the creature thereby perpetuating the internal conflict making the need for fuel spike off the charts.

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    2. MLA.,

      Nick had issues. He tuned into your feelings of wanting to “fit in”, and he went in for the kill because he was a self loathing jerk!

      When people ignore others it’s rude. Period. It speaks volumes about their lack of character…..how does that make YOU not matter? *hugs*

      “Before you diagnose yourself with low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ~ William Gibson

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      1. T – Where have you been my whole life? lol I sure needed you around in the 7th grade. That Gibson quote almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard.

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      2. We needed each other in 7th grade, M.! That quote is so appropriate in your situation with that idiot, Nick!

        God rest his soul….he must have been in real pain…and my heart breaks for him in that regard. However, hurting others is just plain wrong. I’m sorry that happened to you, M.

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      1. Unless…they remove themselves from your sphere of influence and remove all means for you to contact. Then even a passing reminder is redundant. So, it is reasonably possible. You wrote that to me the other day.

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      2. In that instance there is no chance of fuel and you will be left alone. But if there is a chance (i.e. there is a means of contact and/or you move into our sphere of influence) and thus this is a chance of fuel you will not be left alone. That risk always remain forever, the risk of allowing an opportunity for contact, the risk of moving into our sphere of influence.

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  5. I have been no contact since 1/6/16 with N3. My 5 month mark is approaching…and I a very proud of myself.

    However, I am sure I am being Hoovered. 2 Sunday’s ago I got a hang up call on my cell phone from a blocked number. This call came at the same time he used to call me after church EVERY SUNDAY when we were dating. There was no voicemail. Three days later I got an anonymous call on my landline…..soft breathing only.

    Last night, a large pickup with a diesel engine parked in front of my home. I heard it pull up without peeking through my blinds…those trucks are so loud. The engined kept revving up….and I heard a door open and shut. The only person I know that has a diesel engine truck that loud is N3. I was upstairs in my room..by the time I peeked through my blinds that face the street…the truck took off. I suppose that could be a LAME ATTEMPT at a Hoover? What was the point?

    I think he underestimated me. He never thought I’d be strong enough to cut him off completely…..but I have. I never wish to see or contact him again.

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      1. He ruined everything….he had 100% of my heart, body, and soul. He chose to throw it all away….it’s too late for him. Stick a fork in me…I’m done.

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      1. Alexis…I do believe that is partly true…the other part is that I think they fear being abandoned…even if they initiate it. N3 told me (not sure if it’s true) that his ex fiance left him…..he was still angry at her after 3 years when I met him. I wasn’t keen on getting involved with him…because he seemed so mad at her still….but I reasoned that he had proposed to her…and they were together 6 years…so he would be hurt. He forgot all about her when we became exclusive.
        She may have left….he told me she got cold feet at first…then he told me that he was working his way up the ladder at work, and he’d put in 7 day work weeks and 12-16 hour work days…HE CHOSE WORK OVER HER. LIKE HE CHOSE SCHOOL OVER ME. He’s able to do both…but he feels once he’s secured a woman…that’s enough.We went from 5 dates per week to 1 per week. His calls and texts decreased too. I called him on it…and he hit the roof?!
        He can’t maintain past the idealization stage with any woman…after that he devalues and treats her like a dog. She should obey, stay put, shut up until he’s ready to “play”. I would have left HIM given a few more weeks of that….

        Alexis…N’s are incapable of compromise…their idea of love is us putting up with whatever they choose to give. Even if we believed something else entirely was on offer…..

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    1. I am very proud of you T! I know how hard this can be . You are a lot stronger then you think dear. Xx

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  6. Ah, yes – this is what I grew up with. All A’s on my report card…but that one damned ‘B’ in math would sink me every time! Didn’t matter that I was on the honour roll and had perfect attendance, and made the varsity volleyball team in junior high…no, that ‘B’ was always the albatross around my neck and the thing to be pounced on by my “Mommie Dearest!”
    XD

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      1. Yeppers – that was it, exactly! Well, for me, at least…apparently, darling sons had lower expectations than darling daughters – part of the triangulation / “divide & conquer” method amongst the siblings!

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  7. “Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.”
    ~ William Shakespeare This was his favorite quote. Now I understand why.

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  8. I’m curious…if you ignore the narcissist, cut off all contact and means of communication, is the narc likely to amp up their game with their next supply? For instance, my ex narc was very reluctant to commit. After I became wise to his ways I cut all contact, blocked all numbers and social media channels. I’ve basically gone into hiding for the last 3 months. I recently learnt (through mutual friends) that he has a new supply who he is love bombing to extreme lengths. Where he refused to commit to me, he has wasted no time in introducing his new girlfriend to the world (apparently there are endless pictures of them on social media) and that they became an official couple after only 2 weeks of dating. My question is, is it possible that he has upped his intensity with his new supply because I became wise to his behaviour? Someone once told me that narcs don’t learn from their behaviour, they just learn new tactics.

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    1. You are correct that with lesser and mid-range narcissists they learn new tactics because they do not think or know that there is anything incorrect in what they do, given their sense of entitlement and superiority. When you say he was reluctant to commit, what do you mean? Call you his partner? Get engaged? Move in together? His level of commitment to you and her is the same – none. The appearance of commitment may differ. His parading of the new gf is a relationship bulletin and is designed to get at you, which enables him to draw fuel as he considers your reaction to it. It isn’t necessarily the case that he has upped his intensity because you became wise to his behaviour, but rather the upping of the intensity is being used to draw negative fuel from you.

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      1. Thanks for replyiny malignnarc.
        He refused to call me his girlfriend. He was happy with all the trappings of a relationship but didnt want the label. Then called me crazy for saying I would not accept such behaviour. After going back and forth, breaking up and getting back together, I had enough. Called him out on his behaviour and walked away. No contact for 3 months.
        Now he is happy to show the world he has a girlfriend. Its shoved in peoples faces that he is now in a relationship. He is ‘happier’ than he has ever been before, hopes to marry the girl, and is happy for the world to know it.

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  9. Almost 3 weeks out of the emotional and psychological abuse. Everything with us happened so fast. We met, i moved 1800 miles to be with him, we married 5 months later, then everything switched. Things got bad quick. I left once and let myself be sucked back in. Now that I’ve left again I still feel the pull. I am struggling with the no contact, he’s my husband and I love him…but why does he continue this? Then start counseling again just like last time and swear on his mothers grave it will never happen again. I guess maybe I’m deaf dumb blind and stupid for ever thinking he would or for that matter could change.

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    1. Hello G, he does it because he can get fuel from you. You will still feel the pull as it has only been three weeks and you are mired in emotion still. You need to read so you understand what has happened and you process out the emotion. One, it was all an illusion. Two, you fell in love with an illusion not him. Three, he never loved you, only your fuel. Four, he will say anything to hoover you back in. I recommend you read No Contact, Black Hole and Exorcism to start with and find the series of blog articles called the Emotional Battles as this will put into perspective what you are dealing with.

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