You Fill Up My Senses – Part One


When I look at you and see the delight cross your face as you spot me across the room, I feel the flame of attention ignite inside me as the first sensation of power booms into life. I have learned that your smile, the widening of your eyes and your hurrying towards me is indicative of delight and happiness on your part. I feed from this allowing my eyes to drink in the fuel that emanates from your expressions. When I gaze at you beneath me, writhing against me, mouth open and flush of sensual desire spreading across your chest, the flames burn fiercer as I watch with such attentiveness the flaring of your orgasm. I study your reaction to our coupling, noting the detail of the way you twist your head, the slight flare of your nostrils, the flailing limbs. I watch and I absorb, committing your reaction to my memory as I avail myself of the fuel that you are providing for me. When I stand and stare at you, that baleful glare piercing you from my darkened ink-like eyes, I am savouring your trembling stance, the fear that you are trying to hide cannot be hidden as you clutch at the arm of the chair to steady yourself, your eyes welling with tears. I stand and I stare,my stare generating your fearfulness and at the same time absorbing the fuel that flows from your frightened state.

When I hear you call my name, that upwards lilt in your voice, the light inflection which denotes that you are pleased to see me, I feel the fuel embracing the fire inside me, allowing the flames to burn a little brighter and stoking the engine that provides me with my sensation of power. I do not feel delight,I do not feel joy, I will replicate the way you look in order to make you think that I feel them, but as I hear your fuel-laden words as they break upon my ears, all that I feel is power. Power than I cause you to feel so elated when you call out to me from another room or speak down the telephone to me on repeated occasions throughout the day. When I hear your shouted insults, the waves of fuel wash against my ears, emotion-laden labels which do not perturb me, unless I choose to feign that I do, in order to provoke you further. I hear the sound of birdsong, I hear the sounds of a cheering crowd and I hear the first strains of a piece of music that appeals to me, yet none of those things comes to close to making me feel the way I do when you shout, cry, laugh, scream, moan and sigh because of me. Your words of praise move me through the gracing of power far more than the strings of a famous orchestra. Your words of scorn generate a far greater reaction for me than the roar of a crowd as my team scores the winning goal.

When I taste, I taste so much more than the food in my mouth or the drink I have just taken a swig of. You bought me that drink and imbued within that mug of coffee or glass of beer I can taste your interest, your appreciation and your affection. Your empathic print is on all that you say and do, your actions and words are embodied in the cake that you baked for me. I tell you the slice you have cut for me is delicious and of course it is, you are an excellent baker, but what I really taste is the care and attention you dedicated to me as you made that cake for me. Every meal you place before me may taste of different ingredients but the one which always tastes finest to me is the emotion that you have imbued it with. Whether it is a lovingly prepared three course dinner or a slammed down plate of spaghetti bolognaise, the emotion you imbue into those meals always tastes better than the meals themselves.

When I smell that delightful fragrance I feel once more the power rising inside me as I latch on to the fuel that you provide to me. Your action in putting on that scent which I have told you is my favourite goes far beyond the pleasant smell of jasmine or sandalwood. The fragrance tells me how you want me to be please by your wearing it, how you wish to smell attractive for me and thus I am empowered by your action as my nose senses the fragrance. The smell of freshly laundered clothing or bedding, that clean scent is imbued with you caring for me, attending to my washing and the housework and once again the smell of this act of kindness, of affection and of caring provides me with the fuel that I crave. Even when I tell you that I no longer like a certain perfume you wear, in order to provoke a reaction from you, when you wear it as an act of defiance, you provide me with yet more fuel from this act which is encapsulated in the scent. When you stand fuming, cigarette in hand, the smell of the smoke contains your anger, your irritation and it smells as sweet to me as a blossoming rose might to you.

When I hold your hand and I feel you pleasure in me taking your hand in mine, the fuel flows once again. As I feel your skin beneath my fingers, I know that the emotions that erupt as I do so will fuel me further. From my lips against your lips through to moving inside of you, I feel as anyone would, but I feel so much more because I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me. The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me. When I feel your touch upon me, the fuel flows once again and you allow the simmering flames to rise higher because of the light application of your fingers on the nape of my neck. The pressure of your arms about me as you hug me tightly signifies the deep-seated love and affection which you have for me. It powers through me, invigorating and awakening, providing me with the power that I need to keep on doing that which I must do. The sting of your hand as it slaps my face, punishment for another of my transgressions as I sought out the touch of another outside our relationship, will hurt my face, I am after all human in the physical sense at least. The sting that you have left however is readily dwarfed by the surge of power I feel inside me at your emotion-filled violence towards me. Touch me, stroke me, hold me, strike me, push me and pull me, it all amounts to a connection between you and I that sends the fuel flowing from you to me. When I no longer tolerate the affectionate and intimate touches, I crave instead for the terrified grab of my arm or the defensive shove to keep me away from you. I may no longer want you to hold my hand, kiss me or place a delicate hand upon my brow, instead I will welcome the physical manifestation of your anger, your frustration and your fear.

     Everything that you say and do will be absorbed through my senses, what I see in you, what I hear you say, what I taste, what I smell and what I feel from your touch, they all provide conduits for me to gather fuel. I am a vast machine which is sucking the emotion from you through all of my five senses in order to try to fill this immense emptiness inside me. You make my senses come alive, albeit it for one purpose and this happens in a way that causes the sensations you feel from the use of your senses to pale by comparison. You truly fill up my senses.

32 thoughts on “You Fill Up My Senses – Part One

  1. Noname says:

    Very insightful, as everything you write on this blog, Tudor. You are very sensitive and perceptive person. It is a bless and a curse at the same time. The tender inner world is compensated by thick and tough outer layer for sake of survival. It is understandable. But it is not I want to say.

    Your need of “fuel” explains your behavior perfectly, but it doesn’t clear why you do need this “fuel”.

    Presence of “beast”, “emptiness”, “black hole” feelings aren’t the causes for needing the “fuel”. They are the artificial and conscious mind “creations”, but at the same time they are the evidences of more deep processes you have inside of you.

    So, I have a question. Have you ever digged inside of you so deeply to see what is going on there? What hides behind the “beast” face?

    If you don’t want to answer to that question, I’ll understand.

  2. Alice says:

    “The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me.”

    That’s what it all boils down to.

    Not being able to GIVE is very unmanly. A feminine woman likes to receive from a man, and it’s when he gives to her that she welcomes him inside of her. I am not speaking about material things here, I am speaking about the emotional, spiritual and intellectual gifts. Things the narc portions and withholds for no other reason than manipulation and power games.

    But this is so predictable and coward that it gets boring after a while, even for an empathic co-dependent! It equals repetition (of the toxic cycle), stagnation and resistance (of genuine, growing connection and committment). And it is a sign of FEAR. A man who fears to GIVE as much as he takes is a fearful person. It’s the opposite of a braveheart. It’s shallow and fake. It’s the walking dead, not life.

    It’s just unworthy of a real man.

    #cheesy: fromage de Langres ou fromage de Chaumes!

  3. T says:

    Excellent post, HG…..
    It made me realize how much energy N3 stole from me….and how it’s affecting my other relationships…’s like I am almost afraid to connect with anyone…..even safe people…..

    My last non N boyfriend has been trying to see me over cocktails just as friends to catch up.
    I’ve been blowing him off….not sure why….in a way I feel as though I’ve been depleted because of N3….and although my mojo is coming back…my groove is back….I feel I need to guard my heart and energy least they be stolen again?

    Does that even make sense? This ex is safe…and he only cares for me and wishes the best for me….yet, I’ve been blowing him off like N3 did to me…and he doesn’t deserve that.

    This non N boyfriend sent me a text that hurt my feeling this morning….accusing me of not being a good friend…and blowing him off. This hurt my feelings. He was 100% right! I’m making him pay the last N’s freight! I’ve been a bad friend…

    I apologized, and invited him out. I won’t let my ex N’s continue to feed off of me….

    He hasn’t responded yet….I hope N3’s abusive ways didn’t rub off on me …..😟

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thanks T. What you describe there is symptomatic of what I wrote about the other day concerning the five things which we take from you. N3 has taken your ability to trust and this is manifesting in how you treat the non-N fellow.

      1. T says:

        Thanks, HG. I didn’t want to share what N3 did to me with the non N ex. He’d want to hurt him….I don’t want any drama….but I might have to so he’ll understand….😟

        1. malignnarc says:


          1. T says:

            The non N fellow accepted my apology with an explanation, HG! He called last night….he was angry because I had to allude to why I was blowing him off….and he knows N3 treated me poorly…

            I calmed him down and agreed to meet him Friday for dinner and cocktails and he wants details….how do I explain to an ex that still cares what happened to me, HG? I don’t want him going to jail for hurting that idiot N3…

            However, this ex has a popular, daily , 3 hour local talk radio show. Oh….the truth over radio about the N would probably hurt him most….but I won’t let it go there….he doesn’t deserve the attention….

          2. malignnarc says:

            Well, you are right about not providing the attention because no matter how tempting it might be to hammer him live on air, but I wonder whether the non-N ex might do something focussed on you talking about how you overcame the grip of N£3 without referring to him and doing so in a manner which is factual and to the point. If you explained it all like a recipe there would be no fuel involved. Something to consider.
            As for explaining, is non-N fellow really likely to do something if you tell him what has happened?

          3. T says:

            I don’t really know if the nonN fellow would seek N3 out. I have 5 very protective uncles that I haven’t disclosed the whole truth to. I know that if any man ever put his hands on me in a physical abuse situation-my uncles would find them and it would be ugly. This nonN fellow is of the same ilk as the men in my family….as long as I assured him there wasn’t any physical abuse….the worst he’d do would be “out” him on the radio. N3 rarely listens to talk radio….but the tentacles of the show would reach his ears! I’m 100% sure of that!

            You have a good point about going on his radio show as a guest to talk about narcissistic abuse. It’s amazing how many people think it’s just a harmless condition. The nonN ex actually thinks narcissism is good condition to have. He believes Trump would make a great president because of his narcissism?! He feels Trumps narcissism works for Trump….so it must be a good thing? He has a psychologist as a regular guest on the show….and he always feels compelled to call in and correct him and the public about how this condition really affects those closest to the narcissist….people have called in wanting to discuss this subject at length.

            Perhaps I should suggest he explore this subject on his show. I’m sure there are many more victims suffering out there that haven’t a clue what they are going through!

            Thanks, HG!

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Pleasure. Narcissism, as I often said, achieves great things so long as you are unconcerned by the “bodycount” that is amassed along the way. Question of perspectives.

          5. T says:

            HG, at times I wonder if physical abuse would have been easier to heal from? That sounds crazy….but look at it from this perspective: first hit-and I am outta there FAST! However, I’d hit him right back first! I’d call my family and my uncles would have beat him within an inch of his life…..and they’d get probation only in this town…because any judge would understand protecting a recently fatherless niece from an abusive man. They’d do no time for that.

            However, emotional abuse isn’t recognized at the level it should be. I’m still suffering from it…. So are others on this blog…💔

            Had I’d been hit, I would be healed physically. That type of violence against me would have made me so angry-I wouldn’t have had any cognitive dissonance….I’d still be pissed off at him for having the living gall to hurt me like that!!

            Emotional abuse is much worse in my opinion….because if someone hasn’t been through it…they don’t understand….when my sister questioned my experience….and asked if perhaps I just misunderstood him….that completely broke my heart…all she ever saw was the love he had for me….and questioned how I could just give up on him so easily?! I can’t fault her for her perspective….that what he wanted my family to see-and that’s all they ever saw….

            My mom started seeing through his mask….and she saw the raging, angry, crazy man he really was-and all she says is be glad he never hit you-because had I’d stayed longer-he would have.

            What my mom didn’t understand is that the mental/emotional abuse is far worse….and if she really understood what he put me through…my uncles would beat him within an inch of his life….

            …so to my uncles I just tell them that he was into playing “mind games”……and I was tired of them…..
            Because no judge excuse physical violence because he “hurt my feelings”……😟

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed T, you have ascertained any reasons why that forms part of the modus operandi.

          7. T says:

            Perhaps God keeps giving me this cross to bear so I can shine a light on it….because even those that love me most feel that I got out before “things got really bad”. They don’t understand that his abuse ALMOST broke my spirit…..It was as bad as it could have been….

            ….and it’s all legal. Survivors are thought of as weak, crazy, and bitter if they say anything….so many times they don’t…and he just moves along breaking more hearts and stealing everything that made us great….many of us never recoup our losses….

          8. nikitalondon says:

            Hi T

            Last time we spoke you were doing ok. You seemed really recovered. What happened?
            Are you going up and down 😢.. Sorry to hear…🌷

          9. T says:

            Hi Nikita!

            I am doing very well….it’s just that I hadn’t realized that I was pushing good people away from me….an ex nonN BF had been wanting to meet and catch up…and I kept putting him off and being rude…sometimes ignoring his texts and calls. This ex pointed that out to me….and I felt so ashamed of doing that…he didn’t deserve that😟. HG says that my trust had been compromised because of N3….HG was right…and I didn’t even realize it!!!😳.

            I had to explain to this ex what happened. I didn’t give many details…but he knows I was treated poorly….and he wants to meet Friday for dinner and hear all about it…..I don’t know how to handle this…what do you tell your friends about what happened? Will they understand?

            Nikita, I am doing great! I am almost 100% recovered…but I didn’t think dealing with all of this would have hurt those that love me. My ex was so worried when I was ignoring him…that’s not like me….but I knew the minute I met with him and he asked about N3…I wouldn’t be able to dodge the question like I have been with most people.

            I am doing great, Nikita….thanks for asking!❤️🌞

          10. T says:


            I am doing well! Please don’t worry😉….

            I was just surprised when my last ex non N boyfriend confronted me about blowing him off lately….I had NO idea I was treating him so poorly….HG said that I had lost my trust in people because of N3….and he was right….I almost discarded someone that cares about me very much….and I knew I couldn’t tell him the truth about N3…because he might be angry enough to hurt him…and I didn’t think I could trust him with this truth….what if he used my vulnerability against me?

            This ex is a good man and I can trust him. He is safe…I’m meeting him on Friday for dinner…and he wants the whole truth about N3. I just wasn’t sure how to handle it…..but I am doing very well, Nikita!🌞

            Thanks for asking! I’ll keep you posted!❤️

          11. nikitalondon says:

            Hi T
            😃 Good to hear. Yes keep me posted 🌷

  4. mlaclarece says:

    I agree with C.E. this describes the dance and the addiction and craving both have toward each other.
    I know you have said negative fuel is more powerful and I know you certainly don’t mind getting it. But have you ever gone to Hoover someone and really expected a positive fuel reaction. The kind you’ve described as the “tears of happiness, wave of relief to hear from you” reaction, instead to get a negative reaction? Maybe with anger, disgust, venom or just matter-of-fact asking you to leave them alone? Has it ever disappointed you to get the negative if you were hoping you timed it right to get a positive fuel flow? Do you ever interpret it as a source you may be losing and want to prevent that?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Yes there have been occasions where someone has been devalued and I activate a respite hoover and they respond in a negative fashion. It has sometimes surprised me but it is still fuel and therefore I am not disappointed. You are correct that it raises a concern, albeit slight, that they may be considering departure and therefore the respite hoover will be shifted into a more concerted preventative hoover which has worked and brought the positive out again.

  5. Rachel says:

    I have been no contact.. I won’t answer text.. I don’t even open them… I know this silent treatment he thinks he is giving me now is a punishment… Just like when he withdrew sex…
    I am finding other ways to block him from my mind and my life… Hard for me to understand how he can go from love to nothing… But I have come to the realization… I don’t need to know.

  6. Could be any day of the week for me that you write of here; minus the slap…not my style.

    I see the validity in the soul sucking vampire reference and the reference to Nikitas comment in relation to co dependency…The dance!

  7. nikitalondon says:

    Ohhh my I just read the comment above of soul sucking vampires… I dont feel this at all…

  8. nikitalondon says:

    I am sorry that you feel empty inside, but it makes me happy that the emptiness can be filled up with emotions.
    When you feel that your emptiness is being filled up and hence your senses filled up, the other side is feeling alive, you make them flow, because they flow just for you, nobody else can make them flow in that way. Its exclusive ❤️
    This is why it is so perfect 💝💝😘❤️

  9. Cara says:

    A vampire only sucks his victim’s blood. A narcissist sucks his (or her) victim’s happiness, purpose in life, youth, and then chews on the bones the way a jackal does after dining on a rabbit.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Always some fuel soup to make from those bones Cara.

      1. Cara says:

        Always a jackal looking to chew the bones, HG.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      😨😱 the very malignant ones….

  10. Rachel says:

    This is how I imagine this evil person would feel.
    Simply amazing to read this! I could never put into words how I could see him doing this… Soul sucking vampire! Thank you for this article

    1. malignnarc says:

      You are welcome Rachel.

    2. Angered says:

      I totally agree with you about the soul sucking vampire. That’s exactly the way I felt.

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