The Crying Game – Part Three


Hitherto I have mentioned how I have learned to mimic the expressions of upset and pain in order to force tears to flow for the purposes of drawing sympathy and getting my own way. I have witnessed the tears that appear as a consequence of pride, admittedly an alien sensation to me and it is whilst I raise this point that I turn to another aspect where tears are seen. Joy.

The earliest time that I remember seeing tears of joy was when I was at university. One of my girlfriends at that time was a young lady called Trish. It was during the early stage of my seduction of Trish that her birthday arrived. I think we had been seeing one another for a couple of months and along came her birthday. I was keen to impress and ensure that the delightful and vivacious Trish remained bonded to me. Back then I did not know that she gave me fuel, I only knew that she was kind and attentive and that I relished being with her because she looked at me with her round blue eyes as if nobody else in the world mattered to her. It was always an edifying experience.

I purchased a beautiful silver necklace, set with a delicate arrangement of small diamonds around a larger sapphire, which reminded me of her eyes, from Tiffany and Co. I knew this would impress her. Elegant, expensive and scintillating. She could not fail to be delighted with this gift. On the evening of her birthday I took her to dinner in one of the university city’s restaurants. Just her and I. I wanted her undivided attention on this special day. Since what I came to now as the golden period remained intact there was no need to upstage her on her birthday or cause her to be upset by forgetting about it as I have done with so many others since. I can still picture her sat across the table from me, by the window, her sky blue dress and her slender shoulders on display, shoulders that I would always kiss tenderly and cause her to tremble in anticipation. Her eyes shone with excitement as she knew a gift awaited her and I felt her excitement as it flowed over me, it was especially edifying. I had arranged for the waiter to bring the gift over once we had finished our meal and I watched him approach from the corner of my eye as I continued to look at Trisha, both of us smiling. The waiter placed the green-blue box with the white ribbon in front of Trish and she pulled at the ribbon, letting it fall as she lifted the lid on the box and then looked at the contents with her mouth falling open. She lifted the necklace from the box as it glinted and it was then that I saw her eyes were welling with tears. Her mouth was still open, caught between a gasp and wanting to say something but her eyes were filled with tears. I watched as she stared at the jewellery, the sapphire spinning and flashing as it caught the various lights, both candle and electric in the restaurant.

“Don’t you like it?” I asked puzzled at her reaction. A tear trickled down her cheek.

“Oh HG, I love it, it is so beautiful. Thank you, thank you so much. It is the best gift that I have ever received.”

“Why are you crying then?” I asked perplexed. Her words seemed genuine to me, laden with appreciation and thanks, but the appearance of tears cast some doubt on this. It was important to me to ensure that she was delighted and thrilled with the gift that I had purchased for her.

“Because I am so pleased with what you have given me, I’m not upset,” she said smiling as she gave a short self-deprecating laugh and brushed the tear away although it was soon replaced by another.

“These are tears of joy, happiness, I am so overwhelmed,” she explained.

I remember the surge that arose as she told me this. I had heard of people crying tears of happiness but I had never seen it. I was naturally pleased that she was so delighted with my gift but what I remember most about that evening was the effect on me. Once it was confirmed that these were indeed tears of joy, the sensation that shot through me was immense. I had made someone cry because they were so happy, so joyous and so delighted. I had only ever previously seen the tears that came from pain, misery, upset and chastisement and this was something new.

“You like it then?” I asked.

“I love it. Oh I love it so much, you are a wonderful boyfriend, thank you,” she gushed, effusive in her delight.

That moment, when I first witnessed tears of joy has always remained with me. Not only because of how it made me feel, how powerful and invigorated I felt that I had made someone cry in circumstances which I had never witnessed before. New ground was broken that evening. It also, however stayed with me because I have never shed tears of joy myself. Indeed, I often got Trisha to recount to me how she actually felt as she opened the box and looked on the gift. She articulated the sensations which washed over her, a sense of amazement, disbelief at first and then a warmth which spread across her.

“It was as if an angel had touched my heart,” she explained, “and I just felt really happy, really delighted at how the person I love the most had chosen something so special for me. It made me feel wanted, special but above all I felt elevated, you know, as if I had been lifted up.”

“Did you feel powerful?” I asked her.

“No, not that, just excited, with a jittery sensation in my stomach but not from nervousness but from being so happy and pleased.”

Ever since then when I achieved my superlative examination results, when I received various job offers, when I have been promoted or a recipient of industry awards or accolades I have never felt the joyous sensation that Trish spoke of. Indeed, I recall when a job offer arrived through the post I read it and did not feel anything as I read the words offering me the position, couched as they were in a straight-forward and business-like manner. The only thing I felt was the sense of anticipation at the reaction of my then girlfriend when I telephoned her to tell the good news. It was her response that I was looking forward to which made me actually feel something. When she squealed down the phone and congratulated me, it was then that I felt the familiar power surge as my achievement was recognised. I was not able to feel that as I read the emotion free letter on my own, I needed the interface with another.

Thus when I have stood on a stage and accepted an award after being voted number one in my industry and the generous applause is ringing in my ears and I shake the hands of the representatives of the award sponsors and smile at their “congratulations”, “well dones” and “thoroughly deserveds” I have felt that familiar surge of power, but nothing akin to what Trish described for me. There is no joy. There are no tears of joy.

I revel in bringing forth those tears of joy for other people during my seduction of them. Indeed, I must always try to achieve this because the power that arises from knowing I have achieved this is considerable. To move someone to tears as a consequence of happiness is power indeed. It still fascinates me. Whilst I of course draw fuel from the tears of upset and frustration and they are potent indeed, they do not hold the same fascination for me as witnessing those tears of joy. I saw tears of sadness and upset many times in the past and understood how to bring that forth, but the experience of seeing those tears of joy was quite the revelation to me and all the more fascinating because I am able to cause something in others that I can never feel for myself. Such is the twisted nature of the power that I wield.


46 thoughts on “The Crying Game – Part Three

  1. Noname says:

    My tears of joy and happiness are related to my son.

    He makes small gifts for me (cards, drawings), brings flowers. He always does it unexpectedly. He just gives them to me and simply says “I love you, mama”. And I feel this very potent feeling of absolute happiness surging inside of me. At such moments I understand what the phrase “to love with all being” means. Mother’s love is powerful, unconditional and if it is mutual, it is something wonderful.

    1. superxena says:

      Noname…This was a lovely post! I totally agree with you!

      1. superxena says:

        @Noname…I just had to add that it is like that for some..and should be like that for all as you stated:”Mother’s love is powerful,unconditional and if it is mutual, it is something wonderful” but unfortunately it is not always the case…

      2. Noname says:

        I know, Superxena. I know.
        My mother wasn’t like that. She was emotionally dead. The strongest feeling she had expressed toward me was contempt.

        When I was pregnant I had some concerns about it. “What if I’ll be like my mother and won’t be able to love my child?”. And when I first saw him, I realized that it isn’t my case.

        Interesting, that this love doesn’t need the reciprocity. If my son didn’t love me back, I would accept it, but this love wouldn’t disappear.

  2. FA says:

    HG I also think peanut butter and chocolate were made for each other.
    I had to come back read this article again . Its beautiful. People who aren’t ashamed of their scars are of my tribe .

  3. FA says:

    HG in my thinking one of the reason you don’t get tears of joys because everything in your life is planned. You think too much and you know what you expect will be the result in almost all your matters. Tears of joys come most time with total unexpected or with total surprise. Something happened which you never imagined .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That’s a novel proposition.

  4. luckyotter says:

    Beautiful post HG. I can actually relate to why this would make you feel powerful.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Lucky Otter.

  5. Yo says:

    Dear defective person, as for me in general i dont give a sh*t what others think about me. I mean somehow it s important but mostly not hehhe.
    That s why for me is very difficult to understand how is possible to have this need to generate emotions in others and all the time to live looking for a reaction. As if u r an empty spot without recognition of others that u exist..
    We all have it inside. No need any external co firmation.

    1. malignnarc says:

      And that is how we differ.

    2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

      I request you to please refrain from addressing HG as ‘dear defective person’ on his own blog. It is offensive and inconsiderate. If you read his other posts, like the ones in which he talks about his parents, you will realize that his inconsistent upbringing resulted in his narcissistic personality disorder. And how do you know that you don’t have any disorders? Borderline, bipolar, avoidant, paranoid, obsessive compulsive, schizoid, schizotypal, histrionic, dependent – oh there are so many that ‘non defective’ people may have but just don’t realize it and have never been diagnosed.

  6. T says:

    N3 would cry one or two tears when describing sad things from his past. When his dog died in a routine surgery…he told me about it and shed a few tears. When explaining the state of his family after his father died…he told me he made his sister pack up all of his father’s things a day after the funeral service and put them in storage so their mother wouldn’t have any painful memories around….and she could move on easier. He and his brother took their mother on a day trip, and when she returned home there were no reminders of their dad in the home. He shed two big tears as he told me that story…..

    When he finally spoke to me after our break up after 6 weeks of silence….and we had a real goodbye…he broke down over the phone and cried. I didn’t understand how he could be so cruel to me….and then cry about it….I didn’t understand how he could torture his family…and cry over them (Before I knew he was an N). I understood about the dog…..he loves dogs. He has complete control over his dogs….and they obey him without question.

  7. Lil one says:

    My new guy puts a smile on my face instantly .. the minute he walks in the door. Happy happy .. it’s wonderful to be happy instantly .. just seeing his smiling face .

  8. Lil one says:

    I was crying happy tears that the lying bastard is out of my life . Tears of joy. Even had a party with friends over to see the bastard off .. good riddence .

  9. mlaclarece says:

    I can’t remember the last time I cried happy tears. I rarely cry much anymore in any capacity. Mostly feel numb. Unless I”m with my daughter. She brings me much joy and I have felt for quite some time, she has the last piece of my heart that is pure and unbroken.

  10. mlaclarece says:

    I found it interesting that you needed confirmation from a close source upon receiving good news of a job promotion, award, etc., before any sort of reaction was truly felt on your part. It’s as if your brain is placed on “pause” or on “hold”. How do you feel leading up to finding out the news of an impending job position or notification for an achievement? Do you feel restless or anxious waiting for the news? Or do you apply for it one day and it is simply compartmentalized and not thought about until you actually receive the news?

    1. malignnarc says:

      It wasn’t the confirmation I was seeking but rather her admiration for my achievement. The fuel. The achievement in itself does not provide the fuel, it is the reaction I want. I am too busy about other matters to be thinking excessively about an impending outcome so as you write, it is compartmentalised.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        I see. It’s odd to me that you don’t let yourself soak in an achievement for yourself on your own merit, proving you don’t need the fuel to acquire it.

        1. malignnarc says:

          I know I am brilliant but more than anything I need other people to know it.

          1. nikitalondon says:

            We all know 😍

      2. Yo says:

        I was thinking.. dear defective person. Might be it could be used as analogy: i told after my experince with MN, i stopped feeling any emotions (except for irritation) once i get sweet words from a man. Now for me it s like an empty sound.
        But i remember that BEFORE i felt emotions as a reaction on sweet words from a man.
        Now i feel zero. Only emptiness and annoying feeling. I think it s an acquired reflex. I hope to overcome it.

        May be, might be.. with MN is the same: the experience in childhood which made u to acquire this reflex of zero emotions.
        So there is a way to try feel it again to learn it again.
        My psyhoterapist said that with MN it can be improved. With psychopath no. So may be they will help u to become less defective.
        In case u want to start learning to feel emotions. (I know u dont hehhe coz u r brilliant as u r))

        1. malignnarc says:

          Thank you and indeed I am.

  11. bethany7337 says:

    I cry tears of joy almost on a daily basis…nothing can replace that inexplicable feeling that rises up from deep within the well of me that is a mixture of wonder and gratitude and happiness simply springing forth from an awareness of being alive. so many experiences can trigger these surges of joy, often though it occurs in a still moment. Yesterday, was walking at dusk during a light Spring rain through the woods and looked upon a glen. The sky was a pink grey and a clear and shallow pond ripe with heavy green foilage gently moved while catching the raindrops. Tiny birds swiveled and plunged in unison singing the sweetest song of praise to their Source.,it was quite a show! Just one moment of seeming ordinary every minute kind of occurance but as I abandoned myself in this present moment in surrender and with an open heart—the unmistakable feeling of Joy flooded through me.

    I am sad you have not experienced that HG. You can.

    1. malignnarc says:

      An evocative description Bethany and one I can certainly appreciate but not feel as you have done.

      1. bethany7337 says:

        I would not trade having this experience if even only one time for a million years of the Golden Period. Joy comes from within and is not reliant on people, places or things. As all human beings, including you, are expressions of God, the Divine, Infinite Source…whatever label you wish to call it…we all have this Inate joy within us. You do too! You are simply disconnected to it from long ago. You can engage it, if you so choose. If you dare be so brave.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Maybe he will one day ☀️☀️

  12. survivednarc says:

    A sad read indeed. I wish for everyone to be able to cry tears of joy as it is the most wonderful feeling. I did it myself the other day and it is so uplifting and freeing that it is hard to describe. I am sorry for you that you do not get to experience this. Be well.

  13. Cara says:

    People have told me I don’t show emotion…I’ve been fired from jobs & not looked sad/dismayed; I’ve been dumped by men & not appeared devastated.

    I learned at a young age not to show emotion. As a child, if my mother directed one of her rages towards me & I showed fear or any upset, she saw that as a reason to double down. But if I didn’t give her anything, she moved on to somebody else in the household.

  14. notquiteanarc says:

    The only time I’ve shed tears of joy is when my son was placed in my arms for the first time. Never before and never after, it was an overwhelming feeling to say the least.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Yes !!! Also 💝.

  15. Lil One says:

    what emotions do you have when a family member passes away ? do you feel sadness and pain .. or at a wedding .. do you share their emotions of happiness and joy. what emotions do you have besides anger and jealousy.. explaining and describing emotions to you is not the same as experiencing it. its like explaining to a person who is born blind what the color red is and how the sky is blue and the sun is bright.. or his wearing a white shirt and black pants.. its not describable. unless it felt. deep inside your core.

    1. malignnarc says:

      If that person was a good source of fuel then I experience a sensation of feeling unsettled and frustrated. I am not sad though I know I must appear so. With some of them I am glad they have shuffled off this mortal coil as they made my life difficult.
      At weddings I do not share their happiness or joy but I do see it as an excellent hunting ground for a new prospect, weddings seems to fry some people’s thinking so they are completely off guard and they are also excellent places for drawing fuel – “Yes of course I was with the bride before she met John, but she wasn’t to my taste so I left him have her, they seem suited.” – usually gets a reaction or two.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Did your ex-wife cry happy tears on your wedding day, for instance, exchanging your wedding vows?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Why do you ask?

          1. mlaclarece says:

            Because if the rush of power you received bestowing a very elegant gift to a girlfriend was such a milestone, I imagine it was off the charts into orbit having that happen in front of a congregation with all of your friends and family witnessing someone crying tears of happiness to vow to stand beside you until death do you part. I imagine that would make you feel like God himself.

          2. malignnarc says:

            I just wanted you to describe it for me, Clarece, thank you. There were a lot of tears on my wedding day both of joy and a few of sadness.

      2. divined1va says:

        I didn’t realize there was an ex Mrs. HG. How long was the marriage? Why did you divorce? Did you cheat on her?

        1. malignnarc says:

          Three years divined. She was ungrateful and unstable. Yes but she let me down first.

  16. bethany7337 says:

    As I look back at the times I cried, I can see his eyes penetrating into mine and measuring the intensity of my emotional reaction.,and here I thought he just wanted to soothe and comfort me with his attentiveness. Attentiveness – in a nutshell- is why I fell so hard for him.

    At the end of the day, it was a swap of my fuel for his attention.

    I had new insight and revealation yesterday as I sought peace and comfort from God. I wish you could understand HG, that there is a much better, richer, meaningful and satisfying way of being in the world. I I know you scoff at such lofty claims but I knowit to be true. I’m sad for you that you choose, so far, to remain shut off from yiur true nature- which is not evil, but love. The Craven Creature’s fate lies squarely in your hands, its power either growing or diminishing depending on your choices. Free Will. I saw that you can change- you need only ask and surrender to God. Imagine the glory and splendor of using your incredible gifts in a benevolent and ️Healing way? You could be so much more than the destructive force you have chosen to be. No, God did not make you this way!

    1. malignnarc says:

      I appreciate your sentiments Bethany, but am I destructive force when I achieve much? My successes keep people in employment, I entertain people, I helped teams succeed in winning trophies through my own personal excellence and that is leaving aside what happens with my work here. I adopt the ends justifies the means and I know that many people do not. It is a question of perspective.

      1. bethany7337 says:

        You know that this blog isn’t about all of those things you mention.

      2. La Dame Blanche says:

        It IS all about perspective. . .

      3. Alison Lehman says:

        You are the type of person I avoid-always looking for attention and accolades-it truly is a weakness that you cannot be content with yourself-I on the other hand gain my fuel from being alone for a short period of time and resupplying myself -that is true power-along with being able to recognize the manipulator and their machinations. I have run into your kind a few times and always, always sense a bad vibe emanating from them. It is the gift of discernment and I am truly grateful to possess it.

  17. nikitalondon says:

    Many tears of joy and sadness I have shed.
    I once had tears in my eyes when I received a message from a special person. The tears came because I did not know what had happened and what was going to happen and the message fulfilled my desire of hearing again from him and when I saw the message coming, I felt tears come to my eyes 😃, they just came very unexpected and surprisingly. Its true that having tears of joy is a marvelous wonderful feeling ❤️.
    The posting is Very very nice HG. I love how you tell a story, and the reader can get a hold of everything, images, feelings, sensations. Its amazing!!! Great! 😘.
    U are Such a skilled and magnificent writer.

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