The Five Reasons To Argue (And What You Can Do About Them)
You will have undoubtedly had some form of argument with the narcissist. Whether it is a heated engage, a verbal tirade of nonsense, a perplexing word salad or that infuriating round and round circular conversation, you will have experienced it.
Why does the narcissist argue with you? What purpose does it serve? What is the narcissist REALLY trying to do when arguing with you and most importantly of all, what can you do about these arguments?
For just US $ 5, understand the 5 reasons why the narcissist argues with you, gain logic and insight to build your defences and find out what you can do about this annoying, irritating and upsetting behaviour of the narcissist.
42 thoughts on “The Five Reasons To Argue (And What You Can Do About Them)”
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I always refused to argue because I had better things to do even if it was just to not argue. If he didn’t stop I would shut off my phone or if I was with him I would gather my things, get in my car and leave without saying a word.
The one time he caught me leaving without saying good bye started a road rage vehicle chase while he texted me with threats. He endangered himself and others on the freeways and luckily gave up after 20 miles (I lived 35 miles away).
seeing perplexed narc watching You walking around the house happy singing along to some song… and thinking : wtf? Why is she so hot happy and confident? And I haven’t even caused that !
This has nothing to do with your excellent post (which was so relateable for me and I “see” this truth often…don’t get me started!)
I just checked in and immediately noticed you changed Malignarc to HG Tudor. It is very preferrable to me…I dislike labels. Silly, but much nicer for some reason.
I can see I have a few posts to catch up on that have peeked my interest. I’ll have to make time for more truth and subsequent healing. And, continue with your books. I have many on kindle. I just need to find the time and energy. Thanks HG 😊
Indeed CE, other than my new friend Yo who has his/her own epitaph for me of defective person, everyone else addresses me as HG so I changed it. It doesn’t mean I have gone soft though! I look forward to your further observations CE.
Agree with CE. Much better name!
Yes, I had noticed they referred to you as such (“defective person”)….
Whilst, I guess, it’s somewhat a kind of affectionate term of some commenters here… HG “humanizes” you; so is most likely preferrable to us “empaths/co dependents”. (I prefer your term…my kind)
It’s use is sensible, on your part, to promote your personalized status as an author. (Useful for amazon searches to find your books etc for everyone, in any case)
I never thought you would be any way other than how you preferred to! (soft or otherwise… at any given moment) Such is your design in your seemingly necessary, controlled world. 😊
I have certain labels attached to me by others also, and I can assure you, I am not soft either…unless I choose to be. Perhaps, “soft” is a term that is open to definition… I can certainly be a little fireball, as you put it with MLA/MLF, when I set my mind to something. I just like to prefer to think of it as being passionate. Time has taught me to be more outwardly passionate.
We all adjust to our surroundings and as adults are in fact all ultimately responsible for “our worlds”. Perhaps not so much in the short term, but we all need to learn that when someone shows us who they really are, that we should believe them and make adult choices for ourselves, and deal with the consequences…or not. Being soft (as a partner etc of an N) may be defined as staying and enduring/actively participating in the “dance”, by some, and by others, running away/giving up or letting go is seen as being soft. There are strengths and weaknesses to both.
I prefer HG, and the terms, “your kind and my kind”, nonetheless.
Thank you for letting me know CE, I appreciate that.
Same here. Catching every instance possible to read.
i get it now.. he was picking fights.. both of us are bullheaded… both of us are stubborn like mules.. either of us was going to back down.. in the end i told him.. no fighting.. (argue) .. he can pick fights with some one else.. not me.. then i would ignore him for a few days.. after a few days he would come around and say to me.. you said no fighting.. oh now im picking a fight because i ignored you…. you do not bite the hand that feeds you your fuel.. that hand can smak the silly smirk of your face my darling.. smak smak..
Omg….yes! You are a “bad mother fucker”….but baby…you ain’t the only one.
Reading this made me physically sick. I understand all of these concepts and what gives my narc fuel but it is so damn hard to keep quiet. I know that he wants reaction all of the time and i of course keep giving it to him.
And so the wheel keeps turning Marie. The emotion which drives you is what causes you to struggle to remain quiet and of course we know this.
Bravo! This is amazing dear defective person, how u r able to monitor ur own feelings and analyze the reasons. Monitoring is the 1st step to be able to control/manage it.
He never argued. He’d always walk away and say “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. We’ll talk when you’ve caned down.” Very passive-aggressive.
This is spot on. My ex did all 5 of these things, and I always asked myself the same questions as to “why.” Now I understand.
I don’t know if I was raised by one but I divorced one And jumped Rt back in bed with a more dramatic one. Tested to my limits I inderstand, feel, see and crave the fuel transference. It’s actually a beautiful experience. the bastard snuffed my light out I was able to break free. Now I need to know do u “people” actually have control when u are in ur blind rage. Do u know when u are actually going to kill someone and just stop. Or do some of u accidentally take it too far.
The lesser lack control whereas the greater can exert control, hence why we tend to use physical violence far less (we also are aware of the ramifications of such evidence also)
Excellent post.
Thank you.
You are welcome
I would never mirror bad behaviour….. I dont believe that brings much added value..
Again Bingo ! Had to deal with all of them but I usually am very patient to ” constructively discuss” but its true pretty exhausting 😖. Thanks for the tips 😘
Now I never mirrored my mother’s narcissistic behavior back to her, but when I was younger I thought I had to be like her to get any respect from others, so I behaved like her towards others.
I know that behaviour Cara.
Our parents are our blueprint for behavior when we are little sponges soaking up all they have to show.
So what becomes the back-up plan when one realizes they are getting caught up in an argument and they start to pull back? I am notorious for wanting to get the last word in with a confrontation (some days it’s an asset, some days not, lol). What is your next move if provoking or trying to frustrate the person is losing its effectiveness and you still want them to build your self-worth? What comes out of the tool kit next?
On a side note, on a recovery site, I was reading about different stages of recovering from the abuse. One step was called “Mirroring” which was explained does not happen to many people, but it does to some. It was explained that when you mirror the Narcissist’s behavior back at them, it effectively scares them off. It allows some to siphon off their anger and project it back to the person who caused it.
Have you ever experienced that or have the doctors ever discussed that type of scenario developing?
There are a whole host of additional manipulations that could be applied as per those in the Devil’s Toolkit which are designed to reinforce our superiority and undermine you.
I don’t subscribe to the mirroring. If I shout at you and you shout back at me, you are giving me fuel. If I do not speak to you and you do not speak to me but I can see the hurt or the fuming resentment in your eyes it is fuel. If I triangulate you with somebody and then you do so with me, you are allowing me a shot at you for your treachery and by drawing someone else into our dynamic I will extract from fuel as well. Mirroring what I do to you does not scare me off because of the emotional content which you attach to it.
Maybe it works with lesser ones? I just had never come across that terminology before. You would see the transparency in it though, Master Sith Lord.
It caught my eye because I remember an exchange with my Narc last fall in which I called him “It” the whole time like you had done to Lesley. Clearly that never scared him off as I got his lame apologies last week again.
Depends the manner by which you called him it.
Lolll, well it’s all perspective. I’d say I was giving him a dose of devaluing. You’d probably say every sentence was dripping with liquid fuel. Haha I say dishes, you say crockery…
Given what I have read, I find the latter more believable my little fireball!
Now you can call me MLF instead of MLA! Lol
Very good.
I almost couldn’t read this entire post…I was so confronted with the reality I have been living. The N that I am dealing with is an Attorney, which makes the arguing even crueler and more horrific. There is NEVER a resolution to any argument we have ever had. And we NEVER argued before my discovery of three years of his cheating with dozens of women. Always during the day or when I was out of town. He has been a hurricane of fury and rage for the entire last year that we have futilely tried to repair this damage. I am done now. I DO NOT deserve this continued abuse. Thank you for helping me to realize that I do not need to continue this insanity. I am now in control of my destiny. No Contact. Period.
You are welcome.
God, an attorney. They suck. Truly.
Bit of a generalisation there against the legal profession!
Isn’t it?
the thing is…
oh, never mind. The story is too long.
But the bottom line is I’ve known my fair share…more than I ever care to! Many are on the N spectrum. Some I bet are malignant. The law has nothing to do with the truth thus I observe them selling their souls in the name of winning.
Are you an attorney HG?
Indeed many are on the N spectrum but others are not. No I am not an attorney.
I have an aunt who was judge of the criminal area ( sorry I dont have the technical vocab) and she was the one to condemn people to so and so many years of prison. She made it to the local newspaper as the woman of iron who did not blink even when she had to condemn single mothers of small babies etc 😭😭😭.
I suppose she belongs in the spectrum. 😓 But not all lawyers are Ns I would say.. Not even the majority.
Right, you want fuel, or to exhaust me, but the argument is never over until you win