Doing the Journey

When I come along in my luxurious and expensive motor vehicle it is too difficult to resist that open passenger door and you hop in without hesitation. I won’t be taking you for a gentle drive through undulating countryside nor for a meandering excursion along the coast. No. It is straight to the motorway. You are pinned back in your seat by the sudden acceleration as we speed away. You let out a laugh, delighted by the surge of excitement as I move straight into the fast lane and the speedometer needle climbs as we go faster and faster. It is exhilarating to be driven along by such a confident and masterful driver.

The motorway I take you on has been purpose built for me. It cuts through the landscape, not going around or under or over but straight through. There are no obstacles for my motorway. It is direct and effective. Its construction bludgeoned everything else out of the way as it made its mark on everything around it. Nothing could stop it as mile after mile it stretched across the land. Nothing gets in the way of my motorway.

You marvel at how quickly it takes you to so many different places. You smile as you press your nose to the glass and watch the signs flash past ‘Desire’,’Heaven’,’Excitement’ and ‘Delight’ are all signposted. My motorway takes you to these places in a matter of moments and no sooner have we visited one place then we are back on my motorway, speeding through the night to the next location. The motorway takes us direct to the best restaurants, the most exotic destinations, the concerts where it enables us to drive right up to the front of the stage and the hitherto exclusive and difficult places you always tried to reach are suddenly in front of you, all courtesy of this expansive motorway network.

My motorway never has traffic jams, is free of roadworks and always takes the most direct route to the destination. It is breath-taking how fast we travel along it, yet you always feel safe, content in the knowledge that I am taking care of you on this modern and well-maintained transport route.

Occasionally you see people that you recognise stood on the hard shoulder. Some of your family who watch as we speed by. You see your friends who are parked to one side as we race along. You raise a hand to wave to them but it is too late. We have already rushed by them leaving them far behind, just a passing blur. You are not concerned however as you see the next sign detailing our destination and the anticipation rises as you await your arrival at this glamorous place. All thoughts of family, friends and supporters have been left behind, as quickly as we drove past them.

Sometimes you think you see a warning sign flash on one of the overhead gantries but I am driving so fast along this wide motorway that you cannot be sure.

“Did that say danger ahead?” you ask as we zip underneath another illuminated sign.

“Oh it just a routine test, you do not need to worry about that,” I smile and you are instantly reassured. You settle back in your seat as the world and your life flashes by but you are too focussed on what lies ahead at the next destination to worry about what is passing you by. This is the ride of your life and you never want it to stop.

The car suddenly brakes to a halt. Tyres squeal and smoke drifts past as the vehicle violently stops. You lurch forward in your seat and almost bang your head on the dashboard. Disorientated you right yourself as the passenger door opens.

“Out you get,” I instruct. The smile is gone and is now replaced by a face you barely recognise as I stare ahead.

“Sorry? What?” you splutter in confusion.

“Time to go. You need to go that way,” I state aggressively and point behind you.

“What do you mean? Why have we stopped? I don’t understand,” you protest.

“Out!Out! Out! ” I bark and suddenly frightened you scramble out of the car and stand trembling on the tarmac.

“Your life is back that way,” I add as the passenger door slams shut and you watch as I roar off up a slip road next to a large sign saying “Fuel this way”.

You watch me disappear from view and then turn to face the silent and empty motorway which stretches away into the far distance. You start walking, confused and upset.

The walk back to your life is just like my motorway.

Dark grey and long.

20 thoughts on “Doing the Journey

  1. Yo says:

    I think the whole blog could be called “a post narcissitic hung over first aid kit”.

    Adfitionally could exist πŸ˜‰ the executive summarise hehh.. a4, as i like

    There could be:
    1) congratulations, if u have found this blog, now u know why u lived with that strange, inexplicable sinking sensation that something wrong but u never could realise “what exactly”
    2) welcome to a real life, if u r here, u already know that HE lied all the time, and yes, he cheatted and yes, he did all those terrible things which u r still going to discover..

    3) first: breath. Just concentrate ur attention on how u get air. Feel it: u take it, it goes to ur lungs… ur blood gets oxygen. I are alive.
    Focus ur attention on it: u r alive. Still. Already. Main systems are OK: u can mantain the existance. For this stage is enough.
    Continuo focusing on how u breath: in, out, in, out. Tranquillity.

    4) check ur systems: hands, legs, body- all in its place. Good.
    Drink water. Eat. Try to walk. Start observing things around u.
    U remember how that smell? Trees are green. Look on the ground: flowers, grass. Breath the air. Feel it.

    5) now u can start understanding what has happened and what was it..

    6) malignarc, hg, a defective one exactly as HIM.
    But up to the moment u still not realise about defectiveness. U r disoriented, learning new terms… gaslighting.. combination of sounds which now let u describe what was happening.. defining that annoying feeling of “something is happening but i cannot understand what… and why…”

    7) give time to urself. Start doing small pleasant things. Enjoy simple things: food, smells, try to touch things, feel their form, texture, play with a dog, do nothing.
    Start reading the blog. Be alone and process the information.
    Stop reading NPD descriptions.. u know it by heart!

    8) do not expect friends or family or ppl around will understand WHAT u r speaking about and “who r they, MNs”…
    Note that once u tried to i ncrease awareness about this phenomenon, that actually u get 2 reactions: 1) what! Why u sent me that article?! U whant to say i am narcissist?! Or 2) zero reaction. Maximum smth like “ah yeah..”
    Later u will need to assure that ppl from the 1st group are outside ur inner circle.

    9) trust to urself: later u will be able to trust to others again. For now do the minimum. Humanity will wait.

    10).. etc))

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Yo, I shall bear this in mind.

  2. I am really looking forward to the Good Doctors, Girl Next Door and the book about the empaths.

    So much food for thought, I shall never starve.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to know thank you

  3. Alison mccabe says:

    Exremely upsetting.. and accurate. However…a driving lesson I have learned from. People like you make people like us wake up. Will never be fooled again.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is indeed the case Alison,sometimes that jolt is what is needed.

  4. nikitalondon says:

    I remember this posting from the past, and I can just think of your impressive writing skills. To make reality in such a story that reflects the truth and the happenings and a perfect way.
    The way back home, either way if we get out or are pushed out is mainly very disorientation. This is why understanding what happened is the very first step to take.
    This blog and HGs book are the answer.
    And yes its also gray very gray because of the pain left in the heart.
    And long… That can be managed. This one depends on us directly, how much time we give to the grieving process and decide to fall in love with ourselves, reconnect with our own hurt and healthy person and move on life.
    It is up to oneself to see the other small things in life that are around.
    After such a ride, everything around is small, but life is definetly made up of small things. So its in a big part, up to us to decide if the gray and painful walk back to ourselves is long or short.

    My coffee is almost finished. As always a pleasure to start my day with coffee as I read on a subject thaf was and is a part of my life.
    Wishing you a fruitful day HG. I have read in facebook and in some comments here you have many books planned ahead.
    So wish you a good writing ahead that we dont have to wait so long for them πŸ˜‰.
    Enjoy your day… Pretty much sure you will to the most, when you do what you absolutely love doing so much, πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜β˜€οΈ

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Nikita, yes there are a number of books in the pipeline, some are more advanced than others, there is Work and the Narcissist, The Good Doctors, Cast Off – Why the Narcissist Discards, a set dealing with each type of narcissist and how they think and behave. The Seven Sins of the Empath. The Girl Next Door,Matrinarc, Exorcism, Little Boy Lost, Defender amongst others. That’s why I have repaired to the coast to forge ahead with the writing for a week or so, so watch this space. I cannot say when they will be available but they will at some point.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Hi HG
        Great! Lookingg very much forward to all of them. All the tittles are sooo captivating.
        The empath book.., makes me wonder what you say about it..
        You wilk have us all on hold until the books come out πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ
        Awesome place to write! You are so lucky to live in a country with ocean ..
        Enjoy your writing β˜€οΈβ˜€οΈπŸ’‹

  5. The way back is not just grey and long.
    The way back is lined with ruins, which I couldnΒ΄t recognise before, because of the speed. ItΒ΄s only destruction behind your back. How could you leave me in this mess? Are there no compassion at all? No feelings? Was all we went through just an illusion, just to give you fuel in your life? How devilish isnΒ΄t this…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That’s a very good point concerning the ruins.

  6. Cara says:

    I do enjoy a free ride, and as my youngest sister often points out, I NEVER drive myself anywhere.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Is your younger sister a Lieutenant of your mother’s Cara?

      1. Cara says:

        My middle sister is the favorite, but my youngest sister (who pointed out that I never drive myself anywhere) is the most cut off from our mother.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Cut off through your sister’s choice or that of yourmother’s?

          1. Cara says:

            Through my sister’s choice

          2. Cara says:

            My mother is a narcissistic borderline personality. My two sisters & I (I’m the eldest) have all exhibited some narcissistic behavior throughout our lives (did we inherit that behavior or learn it…or both?) but as adults, we make an effort to not be just like our mother. How well any of us succeed is…yeah, the jury is still out on that.

  7. luckyotter says:

    I dated a narc man (not my ex) who did exactly this to me. He took me for a ride in his car, and suddenly became silent. I asked him what was wrong, what had I done, and he wouldn’t answer me. After another 15 minutes or so of dead silence, he pulled the car over to the side of the road in a bad neighborhood (of course!) and angrily ordered me to get out.
    The next day, he called me as if nothing ever happened and wanted to meet me again. I think I said no.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      How mean πŸ˜–πŸ˜–.

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