I Vow to Thee

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You will recall saying this when we got married. You said this as a vow. A binding contract witnessed by God. You agreed to it. So, when it all goes wrong (as it will invariably will) what will happen? I won’t divorce you. You can be sure of that. That will take too much of my time and energy and I also want to keep you connected to me (see Fantastic Elastic) . If you decide to divorce me then you will face my full wrath. How dare you have the audacity to take such a step? You are alleging that I have done something wrong when we all know the reason was that you imagined we had problems in our marriage. Admittedly, I had the grounds to divorce you, based on your unreasonable behaviour in moaning, questioning and nagging me, but I persevered. I would not let the institution of marriage be sullied by your behaviour and I ploughed on. Now you have chosen, on false grounds, to divorce me. How could you? I have done nothing wrong. I gave you everything (in the beginning) and now you suggest that I am inferior in some way that you wish to part from me. Not a chance in hell.

If you thought being married to me was torture, try divorcing me. I will evade service of papers repeatedly so the process is slowed down. I will repeatedly change lawyers (because they don’t say what I want to hear and thus they are incompetent) and seek adjournments (continuances) based on those changes. I will reach an agreement with you and then deny I ever did. I will reach an agreement then breach it. I will dig up every and I mean EVERY sleight you cast in my direction and use it against you. You will be staggered at my recall of such (imagined) events which I will list and detail. I will up my charm offensive over your lawyer (who clearly fancies me by the way – he or she) and also over the judge. I will pay lip service in court to orders and soft soap the judge who will be taken in by my façade of calm, pleasant reasonableness (seen this before perhaps?) and you will be the one churning with rage as another hearing is delayed or goes against you. My assets will be hidden. I will not make support payments. I will deny the existence of assets. I will hound you. I will harass you and if you involve the police I shall switch to my charming self again in an effort to paint you as the aggressor. I will strain every sinew and muster every brain cell to outflank you in the hope that you will give up or concede ground to what I want. Divorce me and you will understand the concept of TOTAL war.

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34 thoughts on “I Vow to Thee”

  1. I’ve tried this once with my husband and will now be going through it again. Ugh. The thought of going through a divorce with him is somewhat terrifying. We live in a community property law state which means I will have to take on half of all HIS debt that he continues to occur.

    This post confirms why I’ve waited so long. I simply don’t have the emotional energy left to fight this fight. Not while my father is dying. Do you have any suggestions for how I can get out of this somewhat unscathed? And protect myself without spending tens of thousands of dollars on attorneys?!

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    1. Has the process started or is yet to start? Are there assets to divide up? Am I right in reading that you went through a divorce with your current husband and it is going to happen again/is happening again? Children?

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  2. Yes, I remember this one quite well.

    David and Goliath comes to mind in how my divorcing an N went down.

    He did set out to make it as uncomfortable and aggravating as possible but I stayed the course…with lots of support from Above…and I toppled the giant. I did this with zero financial resources, filing my own papers and appearing on my own behalf. The process was grueling and put a few grey hairs on my head but he actually did himself in all by himself in front of the Court with his rages and insulting of a court appointed mediator.

    Prior to filing, I read many many devastating accounts of N’s taking everything in legal battles. Admittedly, I was fearful but moved forward in spite of my fear. I wasn’t going to let him crush my spirit and intuitively I knew to draw from my inner courage and determination to gain my freedom from his abusive control.

    Never ever fuck with a determined and courageous woman.

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  3. As I ponder this post I recognize that what helped me tremendously during this highly charged and intense conflict with my ex N was to continuously shift my perception to MY perception, not his. When we have been beaten down and our self esteem eroded, we tend to have a skewed belief that the N’s perception IS reality. It helped me to see him in his blustery, maniacal stance as nothing more than a paper tiger. So his threats about winning full custody of the kids could strike terror in my heart…until I actually called upon my own reality and inner resources to KNOW this would never happen.

    Paper Tiger. Mere Mortal Behind The Curtain. It helps tremendously to choose to see the N through the eyes of reality. None of the horrific things I feared would come to pass if I followed through with the divorce and my terms have ever happened. Many difficulties have ensued, but I am FREE.

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  4. My present reality. 😡

    I am finding it interesting how much care and tenderness is expressed to HG. The prayers that are prayed for the Ns that have hurt us with no remorse. Maybe I’m just not there yet?? I’m just trying not to actively hate. It would be so easy to let the hate and rage erupt but I’m playing nice to get through the divorce. Which makes me hate more!!! I don’t want to be nice to him!

    I live in a no fault state so even though he’s an adulterer it doesn’t matter. But we have no kids and no shared asserts, just debts he helped me accumulate in my name that he claims have nothing to do with him. I don’t know what to expect with regard to him slowing the process. He tried to be difficult to serve but it only took a few days. He emails or texts every day to ask when we’re getting back together ( meanwhile the OW posts photos of them on fb).

    It’s never going to end, is it?

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      1. I absolutely do want it to end. Since we’ve seperated my mind has begun working again and I have ideas and plans for myself, like i used to.

        I know its toxic to look on fb but I do it because he insists I’m crazy and making it up, that he’s never been unfaithful, never cheated. But it crushes me every time I find more proof of what I already know.

        A friend of mine suggested I respond to all his messages with, “send money!” Last night I essentially did by sending a list of all the current bills he owes me for (let alone past debts), and he responded that I’m mean, he’s suffering because I left him, and finally….”Don’t threaten me!” Typical progression. I resisted responding but hate that he always gets the last word.

        My fear at the moment is he’ll hire a lawyer to slow things down, although when I told him I was hiring a lawyer he begged me not to. He said he was smarter than a lawyer and it would just be a waste of money.

        I know No contact is the ultimate solution, but during this process some communication is needed plus I’m still a little addicted to the drama. What’s the way around it?

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      2. Everytime you engage with him (which is what he wants) he will extract fuel and he is doing so by countering your moves (suggesting you will hire a lawyer, asking for money).
        Do not communicate with him. Hire a lawyer but don’t tell him you are thinking of doing so. Brief the lawyer on what he is going to have to deal with. Explain to the lawyer that any suggested dialogue your ex will enter into is purely for the purpose of fuel and prevarication and therefore correspondence should be telling your ex what is going to happen. If your ex wants to offer proposals, that is a matter for him. Your lawyer needs to be briefed to use unemotional language, that his aim is to secure the divorce and to do so swiftly and without hindrance.
        Cut through your ex’s responses. Your lawyer will want to take instructions from you but focus on the outcome “You want a divorce now, not in ten years’ time.”
        If you are addicted to the drama that is understandable but process it out. Read and read more, don’t analyse and discuss his replies to the nth degree, he wants that. Make this about what you want and how you are going to get it. Stay focused.

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    1. Absolutely no contact. If you don’t have kids or shared assets, there is no reason to talk to him. Hire a lawyer and let all communication go through him/her until divorce is final.

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      1. Yes. You are all correct.

        Lawyer hired and divorce filed on May 12, 2016. I’m done. He asked today for help filling out his divorce papers and I said to call my lawyer. He asked for her number (which he has) and I didn’t respond. He was supposed to file his half of the papers by end of last week.

        From today, I will not respond!

        I will keep reading. it truly does help, so thank you HG, even tho you are the monster too! The more I learn the more I see through the script. But it still doesn’t stop me from wanting to tell him to go f**k himself. And it doesn’t stop me from wanting to prove to him I know he’s lying. I have so much proof…but so far I’ve not shared it with him. I keep it stored up for sanity check and when this bloody divorce is over I’m burning it all!

        Part of me wants to get him deported, so I never have to see him again. But that’s too much effort and energy (and money!) to spend on him. I hope he rots alone.

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  5. I sometimes wonder what my mother would DO to my father if he divorced her…she tortures the hell out of him while they’re married, you’d think divorce would be sweet relief.

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  6. You give me chills. So glad I didn’t say those two little words. I thank the child friend who almost killed me. In retrospecr he saved my life by taking away my trust. That doesn’t mean he took away my caring and ability to take another’s pain. That includes your kind. It just means that my soul is gone.

    How is your ex wife existing and hopefully living?

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      1. Was your divorce in your more recent past and did it have anything to do with your family insisting on therapy?

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  7. This makes me really want to set up some sort of one stop shop for people divorcing an N !

    Goodness, mine made it hard enough for me to break free and it was a short lived relationship.

    Want to go into business HG ?

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  8. I filed. He fussed and fought. He lied and cheated, and played dirty. My lawyer couldn’t stand him. His, however, was charmed and looked stupid defending him. He thought he’d scare me into backing down. I didn’t. I matched every blow.

    I got half – assets, value of the house and car, his pension – bought a house, a car, and am rebuilding. I also got child support, and will probably get some maintenance as well. That will be a good bit of his check for several years.

    He is pissed. That hussy has cost him quite a bit of money. I hope that fuel is worth it.

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      1. Oh, the hoovers come regularly. I’ve gotten good at not giving him any reaction. I save that for friends and online support forums.

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