Why Does He Make It So Difficult?

 

 

You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.

You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.

You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.

How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.

          We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.

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38 thoughts on “Why Does He Make It So Difficult?”

  1. You say you don`t choose to make life difficult, you have to.

    Do you ever wish life could be simpler? Do you ever wish you could just find a woman who would love you for who you are, treat you like a king and make life easier?

    Because from what I read above, you NEED things to be the way they are in order to survive. So, don`t you ever wish you could change it all and live a simpler life?

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    1. I remain optimistic that the one will appear and be the constant source of positive fuel, which never fades or becomes stake. Until that happens it is business as usual and I am perfectly content for that to be the case. I am content as I am, but if the one appeared, well, even better.

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      1. LOL, nicht try! OK- where shall we all apply then? 😉 And then, what if everything you wrote so far were to be 100% true, which- in your own words – would mean that your Persona were 100% FAKE?

        I’m looking forward to the day when you will find the courage to drop anonymity and come out of the fog – this is when I will believe that you truly are the King of Narcs! 😏

        Meanwhile, thanks for the good work and this challenging, triggering and yet very useful place. When I have a narc craving or feel ‘that pull’, I come here for a placebo, read a couple of your posts, and of course the insightful comments by my fellow commenters. When I’ve done that for a day or a week, I feel much better and can move on without the ‘hangovers’ of break ing no contact with the flesh&blood narc formerly in my life:-)

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  2. Well yes, you HAVE TO make life (the life of everyone else) difficult. I’d say you don’t have to enjoy making it difficult, you don’t have to like the drama you create, but you’re bored without it.

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  3. HG. Excellent. youre just such an enlighted person on the subject and you transmit this knowledge in a way that I saw 14 years of my life pass by me as I was reading this.
    14 years of confusion and trying and I understand now after almost 3 years of having understood that I could not anymore. I did ask him that question. Arent you tired of all this. Arent you tired that nothing works.
    Ive lost my desire to fight for this any longer….. I spoke to him but it was practically to myself.
    For the first time he told me. There is something wrong with me and I dont know if I can fix it. Probably not. There is something very wrong in my mind.
    I told him, Im sorry to hear that, but the problem is the kids are really getting affected… you dont speak to any of us. you can be here days and days and not say one word. you see this yourself dont you ? This hurts everybody. Even you because the kids ignore your prescence.
    He went through the rest of his therapy alone… I know he went through very tough times.
    Only one time he came to me to comment that he had discovered that very painful events during his childhood influenced his behaviour today.
    That was the only conversation we had about it. That was maybe after 1.5 years of therapy.
    I dont know if he continues or not, but he definetly had some significant changes. I cant tell anymore how deep because my our contact is mainly by telephone and just about the kids, but because of what the kids tell me and also the positiveness in his voice and attitudes.
    I do also believe there are therapies that can help change this conflictive – dramatic behavious and it goes much beyond just understanding them.

    This is excellent. I am sure this has resonated on the more than 9000 followers of this blog. ITs so perfectly narrated. <3 <3 <3

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    1. “I love you but I can’t be your wife anymore”
      Said me after more than a decade of “trying”. Exhausted but awakening to the realization there was so much more beyond the present circumstances that called for my attention.

      I feel you Nikita. Did you feel relief in surrender when you told him you were throwing in the towel? I did. It was like all this insanity of the dance comes to a head and one day we say the words we’ve been feeling for a long time. Stop the train. Just stop the train. I need to get off.

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      1. We both did.. I would have not been able to do it without him.. Its a long story.. Everybody was getting hurt and he realized this. The kids 😢

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  4. Great post and observations on OUR puzzling behavior HG.

    Who was that woman who gave so much to the relationship and SETTLED for mere scraps from her partner? Why did she feel there was anything remotely acceptable at waking up day after day, month after month and year after year to that dull throbbing pit in her stomach and dark thoughts that are quickly buried so she can put her feet on the ground and adorn her costume of seemed normalcy?

    These questions help us discover our own selves and early programming that made a relationship with an N an inevitable outcome as we moved through our existence still unawakened. It is a blessing when we reach the precipice and look over at our own demons chasing us in the guise of you and we realize that we must choose between our dying dream or our soul. Leap! The landing is softer than you think.

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  5. Almost Free. He just told me he was thinking of buying me a convertible Aston Martin, but I messed that up because I told him we are no longer in a committed relationship LOL. Oh, that made me laugh. One more hurdle to get over, gonna do it. I can taste freedom. Thanks, HG. This piece was perfection and of course a completely accurate representation of what I have been through, as always. Kind of spooky, really.

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  6. HG- your connection of our confusion to our skewed belief that life should be a bowl of cherries and straightforward is powerfully insightful. We try to avoid life on life’s terms and the realities that are inevitable when dealing with dreams built on illusions. There should be a mandatory curriculum in every school that addresses that life is anything BUT a bowl of cherries!

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    1. Sorry for the delay in replying I was just eating this bowl of cherries placed next to me.
      Indeed, life is not always a bowl of cherries but when it could be we have a tendency to eat all the cherries for ourselves and throw the stones at you

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  7. My ex did this. He loved to stir up drama. He wasn’t happy unless he could cause trouble, usually for me. I even used to tell him that I thought he got bored when he wasn’t creating drama. Of course he denied that he was, and blamed me for reacting to it. He’d say, “I didn’t do anything to make you upset, you CHOSE to feel upset!” Typical blame-shifting. These days I don’t have contact with him. He blocked me on Facebook because of some minor offense but that’s fine with me because he posts nothing but vitriol on his Facebook wall. Since he has no primary source of fuel anymore, he sits around all day living in disability obtained dishonestly, and spends his days trolling websites and abusing random people. He’s always eventually banned from the sites but finds new ones.

    That’s where you two differ. He’s living a useless life getting his jollies upsetting people while you’re educating people about your disorder and are helping others even if that’s not your intention.

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  8. chaos is the norm. The intensity elevates To achieve a reaction. It feels staged. Rehearsed. Tested. But to see the rage evaporate is a surreal site. Out of body like experience. But what’s weird is I see him floating next to me seeing the same performance. And then the back pedaling begins until he runs for the hills from embarrassment. Or is that all staged too?

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  9. Inspired by Flower and Rock’s “Tis the Season” comment:

    Deck the halls with boughs of folly
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    ‘Tis the season to be haughty
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Don we now our cruel apparel
    Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
    lose your soul and hard earned dinero
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

    See the blazing Fuel before us.
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Break your heart and still adore us
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Follow me in seductive pleasure
    Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
    While I tell of Future faked treasure.
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

    Fast away the Golden Period passes.
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Hail the new year, devaluation and chastises
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Sing me joyous, take the sting of my leather
    Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
    Heedless of your pain – to you we tether
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

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    1. Mine was a literal statement that was shining light on the connection between here and there.

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    1. Thank you FA. A combination of ability and the input of the good doctors. Add to that years of practice and the ability to assimilate everything that has gone on around me.

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      1. Add to that … he ability to assimilate everything that has gone on around me.

        This is an ability Narcs and Empath have in common.

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  10. Thank you HG. The clarity we have , the answers the closure our ex never provided but reading your book articles we got what we needed . It has been so much helpful .

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