Victim or Volunteer ? – Part One



I seduced you. There is no doubt that this happened. I was the protagonist and I brought you under my spell. But let us go a little further back. I chose you. I identified you as a prospect and then undertook my investigative work to determine that you had what I was looking for (you did) and then I began to gather the material that would aid my seduction of you. You had no idea that you had walked into my sights. You had no idea that my gaze followed you around the room, that I observed where you worked, where you lived and began the careful assimilation of information about who you are from your friends and your online presence. In fact, your social media contribution was instrumental in allowing me to ascertain that you fitted the profile that I require in those I target. Not only that, your tendency to plaster your life over the internet provided me with a plethora of material to use in my seduction. More than most I felt I really did know you before I even met you. There are enough warnings about remaining safe on-line, plenty of guides about how to be secure in your internet dealings and to chart the waters of cyberspace in an enjoyable yet cautious manner. Not that you paid any regard to this as comments, photographs, location tags and such like were thrown like broadcasted seeds out into cyberspace. You posted photographs which showed inside your home, it was easy enough from your frequent location tags to work out the neighbourhood where you lived and then using the photographs to identify which was your house. You didn’t see me sat in the car outside as I waited one morning for the confirmation that was where you lived. I had a good look through your windows as well seeing as how you opened all the blinds and that hedge meant nobody saw me taking note of what lay within you house. Some might say that such an approach meant you asked for what happened. Would it be uncharitable to suggest that your lax approach to sharing your life on social media caused you to stand out as a ready target?

It was not difficult to engage you. You are after all a bright and vivacious person with many friends. Indeed, those friends enjoy talking about you to people and they offered up more information about you. Perhaps you should re-consider who you trust with information about you. I was always pushing on an open door with you and even the surprising hesitancy you showed when I suggested we sit in a booth together in that bar was soon overcome as I began to mirror you.

Did you not think it strange that I just happened to like jet ski-ing and was apparently a member of the same club as you, that I loved Thai food and enjoyed dance music? Our mutual love of rugby (I had to swot up on that admittedly) provided the opening for a date at a rugby match. Did you not think it was unusual that we clicked on so many levels or were you just swept away by the fact we did and therefore never gave it a second thought? Some might suggest that this was opening yourself up to my charms rather too quickly or are they being unduly critical of you?

We attended the rugby in the afternoon and I had already arranged dinner at a restaurant I knew you often frequented. You expressed such delight at this surprise by planting a huge kiss on my lips. I knew you are an excitable person but did you ever stop to think how, out of the thousands of restaurants in this city, I knew this was your favourite? You actually did ask me, as we dined, how I knew about this place and I explained a client had recommended it to me. When you explained it was your favourite I feigned surprise and added that I just thought you might like it. You did not pick up on how I was able to secure a booking on a Saturday and an excellent table to boot, but then how were you to know about the slipped notes passed to a member of staff. After all, I move with an air of considered confidence so it all fitted together didn’t it that I would command such close attention from the waiting staff through the evening.

You even missed the fact that somewhat inebriated I was able to tell the taxi driver where you lived. I had become somewhat amused at how easy this was proving to be. Your readiness to down glass after glass of wine in the company of someone you had not long ago met. Was that remiss of you or was it understandable given the way I made myself seem so familiar to you through my background work on you. I decided to let slip your address to the taxi driver, even though you had not given it to me, yet you completely missed this. As I helped you into the taxi, ever the gent, you missed the almost reptilian smile I gave. I didn’t. I saw it reflected back at me in the window of the taxi.

I had earlier plied you with plaudits and listened to you offer me up even more information, telling me where you worked, what you did there, information about your colleagues, taking me through your relationships with your family, your favourite musicals and so on. I logged it all as you opened up to me, pouring so much knowledge in my direction. There are those who might consider that to be a natural thing to do, the social lubrication which makes the interpersonal relationship easier and who is to say they are wrong? You accepted my compliments with good grace and returned them which pleased me considerably. I had to stop myself laughing out loud as you declared those phrases which told me that all lights are green.

“I feel like I have known you for years.”

“This is wonderful; we have so much in common.”

“You know me so well, it is fantastic.”

I threw a few of our well-used favourites back at you,

“I think we were fated to meet.”

“I’ve never clicked with anybody the way I have with you.”

“I know it is only the second time we have spent together but I feel a connection with you.”

I may as well have stood on the restaurant table and waved a huge red flag in front of you with klaxons blaring in the background. You did not notice. Was that negligent of you? Ought you, as a self-professed intelligent and independent person, to have seen these warning signs and acted on them? Perhaps you did and decided that the risk was worth taking. If that was the case, I know that there are people who would regard you as consenting to our entanglement with some degree of knowledge that something was not quite right but you were happy to waive this concern, it was too tempting to miss out on someone like me. Was that how it flashed through your mind?

The dates came and went and my tendrils wrapped around you. I stayed over in your house on the second date. You yielded readily to my overtures and we engaged in frenetic, athletic love-making which enabled me to play one of my aces. It was following one such energetic coupling that you held me and with sincerity shining from your eyes whispered that you felt you were falling in love with me. I smiled and nodded because after all, love comes quickly with our type and I was positively delighted that you had given this indication even before I had opportunity to play that particular card. Did you replay that conversation and all the other beautiful ones we had that evening of love-making? Of course you did. You always do because the recall of such scintillating times causes a soaring sensation in your chest. Did you evaluate what this meant? Did you consider it against other relationships in order to benchmark your feelings? Some might suggest that the cautious and sensible would do so and apply some slowing touches and undertake some verification of everything that you were being told, but you did not. Was that slipshod of you? You were given the signs. You were handed the warnings. They were plain enough to see. Many of them were conventional in nature. I only hid them in plain sight, as I always do. Perhaps you are at fault for not paying heed to them? Then again how could you be expected to resist me? I have done this so many times and you (surprisingly) have not been seduced by my kind behaviour. I bet you have said the label attached to my type less than half a dozen times. How could you be expected to put up any resistance when you are being flattered and wooed in such a convincing manner? Why would you stop someone from being so pleasant? Who would? Maybe it is an entirely unfeeling and harsh judge who expected you to know better and remain vigilant?

You let me in. You opened the door and left it open whilst providing me with a key to it and the back door too. You allowed me to permeate every element of your life from your bed to your buddies. Should you have listened to that one friend who cautioned you against moving so quickly? She was just bitter wasn’t she? After all, that is what we told you and why on earth would you have any reason to disagree with us? Your family all felt I was wonderful, even your sister who in the past has been notoriously difficult to please (actually she isn’t, you just need to know what to say but that’s a different story) so you could be forgiven for deeming their reactions as an accurate weather gauge of who I was. How could you have known what was coming? You are no clairvoyant and who would not have taken advantage of being chosen by such a wonderful, charming, magnetic and loving person as I? All my friends spoke highly of me. Did you not pick up on how rehearsed they often sounded when lauding my attributes? No, never mind, it was too much to expect you to do so wasn’t it.

On went our relationship, two entwined lovers, the world at our feet, happiness all around us, a beautiful and enchanting romance. Who would not want such a thing? You have to have an open heart haven’t you otherwise you can never be happy? You have to trust don’t you otherwise you will never find anybody? You have to bare your chest and lift your throat to the world. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and so on. Anybody else would have done the same, surely? Are you to be judged by the universal standard and forgiven for not seeing a predator making his way towards you, snaking his tendrils about you and sinking those sugar-coated fangs into your naïve neck? Or ought you have noticed but became too caught up in your fantasy of perfect love that you blinded yourself. Does that make you culpable? Then again, did you see the signs but actually ignored them, content to brush them to one side because your heart told you this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with me.

Were you a victim?

Or did you volunteer?

22 thoughts on “Victim or Volunteer ? – Part One

  1. Yo says:

    But it s EXTREMELY difficult to recognise signs if u like a guy…

    Coz if a guy really like u he does the same tjings as Narcs..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There are similarities but not anywhere near to the same degree, intensity or frequency. Therein lies the differences.

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Both. This was way before rhe social media to which i don’t subscribe. WP is as gutsy as i get. He used to ask why I changed my skirt or say how it was cute that i ate lunch while waiting in the bank drive through. He happened to be in the area. Volunteer once i ignore the signs…victim prior to then.

  3. Leilani says:

    Clever. Swept her off her feet. Well deserved juicy kiss. Satisfying fuel and supply. One was blinded due to seeking love and longing for a knight and shining armor. Provided approval and oneness to the willing target. To erase Insecurity and loneliness. Did the narcissist engage with a Victim? Or a Volunteer? I say it depends on one’s perception. A very informative post HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

      1. Leilani says:

        You are most welcome.

  4. Jshi Nim says:

    One thought I am thinking is, what past dysfunctional family ‘grooming’ did the woman have. It’s not as easy as she chose to ignore such and such, but out of some strange conditioning we, on one hand want to be free to enjoy, but on the other hand are not as free to be rude as that would be like how we were shamed in our past and avoid it if we haven’t dealt with our past before meeting your kind. Does that make sense? I escaped your type many times (they were overt) but ended up with one simply because he played the “you will be seen as a bitch” card, which I did all in my power to please to not get that label. So, when you look at our kind, there is all this past sort of cultish doctrines we are also bound with. I’m sure you know how easy it would be to use “rules” to your favor for those who are under rules, like religious ones? We may not even know what rules we are following, but its hard to be thought of as a bitch when the charming fellow is so nice to others. That is the hook of hookers… am I wrong?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fair observations

  5. Cara says:

    I volunteer to be my mother’s victim. Of course, others have volunteered to be my victims. It’s a vicious cycle.

  6. mlaclarece says:

    Oh, the girlfriend who dumped him when I spent time with him was only 11 years younger and in grad school, hence why her parents were still helping her with living expenses. He seemed to prefer girls younger than her and always showcasing on FB which also serves up your theory that showboating a relationship on social media is always about the ex and not about the current supply.

    1. So Sad says:

      Agree with the FB postings Clarece. It was the first thing it did after leaving my house , suddenly ALL of his posts were public so I could see them . Initially I was very hurt , but soon found them quite amusing to the point of cringe worthy when I read some of the childish stuff he was posting .. Wish he could’ve seen me laughing at him:)

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Well this particular guy did not have a FB page while he dated this gal 11 years his junior. However he never wanted her listing them as in a relationship on her page and never wanted her profile pic with him in it. She could post other pics. So after their 2nd breakup, he starts a FB page and had another fling with a college graduate posting tons of pics. Within 3 months took her to Mexico and then Vegas. I’m like helloooo, I’m the one whose couch you were crying about being dumped. Maybe I deserve a getaway? But see a peer his own age won’t make the ex jealous. So now, his current gf is even younger. However since professionally his new life in CA has hit a wall, he’s been pretty quiet and on the down-lo.

  7. mlaclarece says:

    Both. If you’re mirroring me, then I’m going to assume you have the same intentions I do which is develop a long-term, healthy, loving relationship, maybe with kids. If I’m into you, it’s just going to be you, and not every cute Tim, Dick or Harry I see.
    I’ve had 4 dates in the last 4 years, not counting someone I saw for about 6 months prior to JN. But we hung out more like break-up buddies while I was going thru divorce and his GF of 5 years dumped him. When she came crawling back, he was gone like the wind, hence making me feel like In-Between girl. We’ve since remained friends. The others were one and done type nights. “Dates” feel more like exhausting job interviews for me. One just wanted a one night stand, so it didn’t go anywhere, although he was the most engaging. The most recent date, last fall, the guy had a gf but wasn’t sure he was ready to settle down. After corresponding for a month and finally meeting (because he travelled a lot for work, uh-huh), the date was nice enough, then the next weekend said gf started tagging him in everything on FB and that was how I found out. A month wasted after accepting his daily texts. Ugh! I married my first boyfriend from college so I don’t have a point of reference from that time period for modern day dating now.
    So to just read this blog at face value and have someone go to so much trouble to get to know me, yeah, sounds pretty freakin’ nice, minus the malign intentions and reptilian smile.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well put Clarece. Looking back and knowing what you now know, do you consider whether you had a brush with any of my kind on those dates?

      1. TheFlowerandRock says:

        I observe Clarece being firmly planted in the now and committed to integrating her experience in part as momentum forward. Questions are only great if there is an awareness as to where they are coming from.

      2. mlaclarece says:

        Actually, the guy I spent time with for about 6 months is most likely a Narc on some level.Image is everything. Restaurant owner. Always had new vehicles, 1 being a sports car. Designer whore for brand names and always dropped dollar amount he paid for things. Had season tix every year for the White Sox. Did a tropical vaca every year. Completely played the poor victim for being dumped Looking back, he treated his then GF like crap for the first 3 of 5 yrs together. She finally got burned out and started pulling away. He was going to propose to her and talked to her parents first. They wanted no part of him and she broke up with him day after that went down. When they reunited several months later, she kept him a secret from her parents and let them keep paying her apartment rent while she was living with him. Allegedly being kept a secret caused their demise.
        He moved to CA a year 1/2 ago with a girl from his IL restaurant. They are 20 yrs apart, he is 41. She is now 21. She is a year younger than his only son which has also caused a slight rift between father and son. Oh, he also played the victim card that he never knew his dad. He abandoned his mom when he was a baby. And he also used the single dad card a lot to gain attention. Incidentally, in his late 20’s he cheated on his then live in girlfriend one to many times. She had 2 older brothers who jumped him and beat him up severely. Gee, who else was checking my closets one time to see if my brother was waiting to pounce? Lol
        Abt every 6-8 months he randomly texts me. I’m guessing now a benign Hoover. Last he told me a month ago, CA has been extremely stressful and expensive and financing for his new restaurant has been delayed do he’s doing work I know he feels is beneath him. I can’t imagine when little Miss Thing wants to marry up and make babies, he’ll be into that when he could be nearing 50 yrs old. My best friend always thought he had an infinity for me but knows I’m the real deal who would challenge his thinking. Not like his now gf, who’s cute as a button, but works in a make-up store, does make-up tutorials on You Tube and has one of those dogs you carry in a purse. But he was completely stimulating and engaging to talk to. He had the whole exciting aura about him.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’ve got him worked out I would say.
          Dog in a purse. Hilarious.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            I know right? How can compete with that? Dog is in a Coach Purse btw.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You were doomed from the outset. Is a coach purse a “bad thing” I feel there is something here for me to learn and add to the arsenal.

      3. KP says:

        I still always read these replies (thank you Clarece, well put Clarece, etc) in Anthony Hopkins’ voice, and every time it makes me laugh. Hilariously creepy. Speaking of creepy..

        “As I helped you into the tax, ever the gent, you missed the almost reptilian smile I gave. I didn’t. I saw it reflected back at me in the window of the taxi.”

        This reads like a thriller. Ever thought of writing a screenplay? If you take pieces from all your stories, you’d probably have a good chunk of it done already. I can see it now.. the movie starts with the good times, the perfect couple, you hear her telling some party guests the cute story of how they met.. then maybe the devaluation stage just barely starts, and that’s when you jump back to the beginning and see the actual story of how they met from his perspective.. then we’re back in the present and he’s totally screwing up her life and reputation, and the audience thinks “wow, this is so unfair for her, her friends and family can’t see what’s really going on”… and they are expecting that things will turn around for her… but he’s got a new cute and young gf, meanwhile she’s alone, depressed, and everyone blames her for stuff he did.. and that’s THE END. I would watch the shit outta that movie.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have thought of writing a screen play but I haven’t had chance to do so. Yes there is plenty of material there. What you kind of describe is part of a book I am working on called Dark Cupid which will take you to some very dark instances of my behaviour. That would probably be the perfect material for the screenplay that you mention KP. Your last sentence made me laugh – when it becomes a film I will use that to promote it!!

  8. Intriguing….

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