Something Like a Nagging Itch
One of the reasons I chose you is that I know you have this overwhelming, almost insatiable need to know. I am fully aware of this and I utilise it to my advantage. When I have cast you aside (or even on the rarest of occasions you decided to leave me) I always find someone else pretty quickly. I need to. I also make sure that you find out about this with one of my Relationship Bulletins (see separate post). I know you will find out about this relationship because you cannot help but keep an eye on what I am doing. You will check my Facebook page, you will follow me on Twitter (with an obscure handle of course). I know you talk to mutual friends and casually try and ascertain what I am doing, pretending that you don’t really care when inside it is eating away at you as you have to know.
Why do you do this? What is it that you desperately need to know? You need to know if I am happy with my new relationship. You are doubting yourself as you wonder why I am in love with her and not you. You cannot help but wonder at that. The thought manifests in your mind repeatedly. You see the pictures of me coiled around my new girlfriend, beaming smiles lighting up the page and you immediately query what has she got that I haven’t? Try and deny it, but I know this is precisely what you are thinking.
What makes it even worse is that my new-found love is posting updates about how happy she is and how wonderful I am. This makes you remember our golden period and I know you still hanker for a return to that. You still want to have that with me again and you wonder if it will be permanent with this new person. Perhaps she has some magic ingredient that will cause that intoxicating, spellbinding honeymoon period to continue forever. You try to convince yourself that she has not and that the wheel will come off eventually. Yet why do you still keep checking and foraging for more information about my new lady and me? What you need to realise is that the reason it did not succeed was down to you. You broke it. You spoilt it. Your obsessive questioning of me and your unbridled jealousy damaged that wonderful relationship we once had and look where it has left you? Alone and obsessing over my every move. It is a powerful, nagging itch and one you cannot scratch away.
28 thoughts on “Something Like a Nagging Itch”
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This is behavior I do not understand. People have said they`ve felt this way about me – felt obsessed to see what I’m up to, who I`m with, etc. long after the relationship, or whatever you want to call it, ends. But I have not experienced these types of intense feelings toward someone else.
I take great solace in the fact that, no matter who my former conquest ends up in the future, she won`t ever measure up to me. I make sure of it. And often, the old flame will call me up or catch me out and I will ask, “So how are things going with you and (insert name here) going” and the answers range from, “Ok, but she doesn’t do this like you used to” or “She’s okay, but I miss you and think of you often.”
It gives me great pleasure to know the fire for me still burns and it wouldn’t take much to reignite it.
I think it’s because the Narc convinces that somewhere deep inside them is a real human being. I believed no one could possibly be so cruel. There had to be a reason for it. Someday he would miraculously change! I do not believe it possible for them to suddenly develop empathy. To comprehend or to care about others. The only way you will understand is to lose your greatest love, yourself. I am impressed you can acknowledge what you do and who you are.
I do acknowledge it freely and honestly, much to the chagrin of some of the people here.
I respect your comments and your view of the situation, Annettek, but I am completely unable to understand or identify in any way.
Perhaps that is where I am different too – for me, people are who they are. I don`t want people to want to change me, and thus, I would never attempt to change them. People don`t change. They are who they are.
HG (and his kind) are just as human as you or I, they just operate on an entirely different plain. One that I happen to respect, admire and identify with.
I am here because I find HGs brutal honesty so refreshing. As much as he imparts great wisdom to those who have suffered at the hands of narcissists, his writings have also taught me a great deal about myself. I owe him a debt of gratitude and I`m not sure there`s anything I could ever do to repay him for what he has done for me through his words and insight.
Am I a Narc if I was the one who did all the seducing and song dedication and many of the romancing actions. He did say he was dumping me before I ended it. Do you think we could be friends.
The fact of engaging in the seduction by reason of romance and the use of songs does not make you a narcissist. There needs to be far more than that.
Could you be friends? Indeed you could be, but that depends on many factors which I am not yet privy to.
Ask what you need to ask. I have no secrets.
Well tell me more about you and your behaviours, especially your interaction with other people.
I Know I married both times for reasons of what I needed from them.
I Know I always created drama when I did not need too. I know I would push a partner away and then pull them back in. I was chaos. I created it for the feelings it created in myself in doing so. I would be on a cycle and perhaps still am.
I do feel, I think at this time of my life. I am told I only want it more if I can’t have it. I do feel pain. I sit across from 99.9% of people and feel nothing. I guess I pretend I do.
I do cry.
I love lust. I am not sure what love is.
I do feel more since having children, who are men now, and some days I see myself feeling nothing again. Disconnected perhaps.
I am loved and many gravitate to me. I do avoid being social more then I should at times perhaps.
Maybe I am not a full blown Narc, but I sure as heck have many of the traits.
I am also careful of what I want to say on this forum.
P.S. I did talk to HIM today and paid such attention to everything. Not one word did I believe and I am not sure if I even spoke the truth to him. He did say he loved me again, but I did not say it to him that I recall. He asked why I had not given up on him. I had no answer. I told him in so many words that he was a slot machine. 😉
The conversation lasted about 3 hours. He is not seeing his doctor anymore. I lied to him too.
He is texting, I need to go for now. Warfare………….I must win.
I asked him from the very first time we interacted that a friendship is best for me. He still says he could not be just my friend. I find this silly as he could still draw fuel from me.
He said he could not be in the same place with me without wanting to be in my bed, which I find odd since a narc doesn’t really like sex. Personally I could not feel the same with him knowing this. I feel a bit grossed out when I think of his touch now. Besides my touch is so much better and it goes with me. Meaning I can be this way with anyone I choose to be intimate with.
I could be his friend to be a travel partner.
I was lucky. The last day i saw him was before my flight to vacation. Lying on the beach i was finally separated from him and asked google “pathoogical liers, reasons” and … u shouls see my shock… when i discovered the book “when love is a lie”
I did checked his profiles for around first 5 days during my vacation. But once i finished that book and related resources, he was blocked for ever.
And i remember how easy it was to block.
But the shock to find out that NARCs exist was too strong..
Some weeks later i found this blog of a defective person himself and it did helped me with No contact during all this time.
Now the 3d stage: to learn to walk again..
Well, you are wrong. I never looked, peaked, or asked anyone about him after discard. I don’t want to know. It’s time for me to get on with my life.
The pharmacy does not have ointments for that type of itch.
May I suggest a quick listen to Depeche Mode’s “Shake the Disease” instead? Oh, that was our song was it? Must have slipped my mind and awakened yours……
I never need a reason to listen to DM. Well played, HG! I consider them our group, since we can relate to so many of their songs, from different perspectives of course.
Incidentally, a hungry mosquito bit my arm near that place in the pic so I’m literally scratching.
I feel like you are in my head. The first person to understand what I have been going through for almost 5 years. It’s very reassuring!
Hello Annettek, yes I should imagine it does. Do you mind if I stay awhile? You are welcome.
No thanks! Only one allowed in here now.
I swear I feel as though you are the first person to understand me. It’s uncanny. I have a twist to my story that is unusual. My Narc used NLP and hypnosis on me. He literally brainwashed me. It started years ago and is still affecting nearly my every waking moment. I am getting stronger every day and better at no contact every day, except when something triggers me. I am aware now when something triggers me and I analyze what it was. I usually figure it out and then avoid those things afterward. I truly felt I was losing my mind and have many times thought of suicide to get some peace. That is all I want, peace. I want to be left alone. I want to not think of him. I want him dead to me. He craves my attention. He cannot stand losing control. He may not want me but he wants me to pine for him and be miserable.
Indeed he does want that. We do use NLP to a greater or lesser degree during seduction and it is interesting that you mentioned hypnosis because that is something I considered a number of years ago but I rejected it. The reason for this is that the fuel you provide must be genuine, namely it is your honest response to what we say and what we do. That is why if you try to fake certain emotional responses we are able to tell because it does not have the same effect for us in terms of powering us. Admittedly,some of us are better at “sniffing out” those false emotions than others but we are able to do it. There needs to be an element of free will involved for the fuel to be potent and therefore I disregarded hypnosis as a means because the responses, to my mind, would not be given freely. In addition to that, I am rather proud of my ability to seduce and using hypnosis would remove some of the pleasure from the seduction by adopting such a short cut. I can understand why someone of our kind would want to deploy it for the control that it provides but I would not find the subsequent fuel of any satisfaction. Out of interest, how did the hypnosis manifest? How did he achieve it? What did he have you do? How did you realise you had been hypnotised?
That’s very interesting HG. I’m by aware that mine used hypnosis. But he most definitely used NLP.
I found him physically and personality wise rather repulsive in the beginning and it was only after much use of what I now know to be NLP that he managed to seduce me, coupled with a highly intensive pity play. Mine was much more physically attractive when he shaved his hair rather than having a sort of balding comb over !! I told him this but he insisted on the balding comb over. It was almost as if he ‘got off’ on the fact he could seduce women being as physically unattractive as possible ???
He clearly enjoys the fuel that flows from such a challenge.
I was discussing a phone conversation I had with Him, with my therapist. I told her about what a wonderful calming effect he had on me. She suggested hypnosis. I immediately knew she was correct. The hours of phone conversations, all the questions about my life. Gathering ammunition. He told me, at a much later date it was NLP and hypnosis. I already knew about the hypnosis, he had a Facebook page for his business as a hypnotist. His arrogance was colossal.
Ah yes well I think the FB page might have been something of a clue! Thanks for expanding.
Dear Annettek,
This was a touching comment – I can relate to that feeling very much!
But it is possible to get out of the dark and hopelessness! There is the NARP Programme, which really works, and other Therapie such as EMDR for trauma recovery. All of those tools made a great difference for me!
All the best – you can and will unhook one day, if you do the work of looking, uplevelling and healing your original wounds (inner child work).
xx
This is a very good posting as it can be very true for some women .. In my case not at all.. Goodbye was goodbye and I did not ever look at the social media nor interested about their lives.. Really really not
Wow, that’s truly admirable! How comes you did not want to know? Did you get enough clarification and closure by interaction face-to-face with them?
I guess we could all get that closure by simply looking at and evaluation their actions; or rather: How their actions do *never* match their words. 😑
Yes Alice I got closure. My marriage took me two complete years ( the last two) to mourn.. We mourned partly while being married and them after those two years it was clear was not going to work.
The othef relationahip the abuse was so clear and I felt so destroyed and was so trapoed that I even had to look for help to get out and never looked back.
N3 is a special story .. The closure I had to give myself with this blog and other stuff. He has no social media at all so there is no where to look but if there were I would not look. I wanted to move forward and commited and focus on that. Looits like if you want to loose weight but you only eat bread with butter .. That would equate looking at the social media.
Anyway useless to think about because there is no social media 😃😃
Nothing can capture this better than a shining example taken from the book of Clarece and her JN. Hot off the press Ladies. In an email exchange, about 48 hours ago, behold the interrogating questioning that I apparently subjected JN to. His email to me as follows:
“Quick roundup of your typical conversations with me:
– why did you do X?
– you did X because… (Insert dime store psychology here)
– remember when you said Y exactly 8 months and 4 days ago?
– what were you thinking when you said that 8 months and 4 days ago?
– you’re lying about (insert literally anything here)
– you’re lying about it because (insert literally anything again that sounds right in your mind)
– I don’t do X because of Y that you did to me exactly Z months (or years) ago.
– I still want you.
– why don’t you want me?
– when are you going to take me out to a game or dinner etc etc etc
And you wonder why I don’t want to take you out.”
Maybe if he didn’t have monologues with himself to me and actual dialogue where a conversation takes place at the time it needs to, then things would get resolved and dealt with instead of dragging on incessantly. This is the end product of when you have close to 3 years of anytime something happened and I asked a question he didn’t like, I was doled out a silent treatment from anywhere from 1 week to now it could be almost 2 months. So we have layers like an onion peel.
Of course, here is a blaring example of everything is my fault, I’m crazy and all accountability is projected on me.
I’d like to add that over this last year where he says I use “dime store psychology” I would like to refer to it as “HG psychology” and he has never responded well to it. lol
This has been a PSA brought to you by MLA!