The Racing Mind
Of the many consequences of becoming entangled with our kind, there is one which is always present. This is the racing mind. The racing mind begins in the hinterland between the seduction and the devaluation as we start to create doubt in your mind, create ambiguity and generate concern on your part. There are hundreds of ways of creating this uncertainty and it only increases when the devaluation proper begins. Our various manipulations are designed to not only draw fuel from you but also to create this pervasive sensation of doubt. You find that you are always asking yourself questions.
“Why did he say that?”
“What did that mean?”
“Why has he done that?”
“What did he do that for?”
“Why is he being like this?”
“Has he really said that about me to somebody else?”
“Would he see somebody else?”
Your day is made up of a succession of attempts to understand why we are saying and doing certain things. Everything becomes analysed as you desperately look for evidence to explain away the thing that you fear most; the loss of the golden period. The impact of our seduction is massive. Owing to our mirroring of you, we are your other half, the you that you have always wanted in your relationship. A perfect love. As a consequence, you do not want to lose us and anything which hints at that happening causes you considerable concern.
As with much of what we do, we apply stealth tactics. We adopt an insidious approach which utilises the typical salami-slicing methodology so that we steadily encroach into your well-being but we do so with such subtlety you fail to notice it. At first you will wonder why we arrived back an hour later than we said we would, but you rationalise it away as we mutter something about traffic. Once we would come and see you and arrive early at the weekend. Now we do not turn up until mid-afternoon. What have we been doing in that time? Why do we no longer want to spend the whole day with you? Is there somebody else? You hope that there is nothing to be concerned about but you cannot help but be concerned as you scrutinise everything that we say and do. After a while you are keeping a tally of how many “xs” we place after our text messages. We usually put three but it has gone down to two. What is the reason for that? Did we simply forget? Did we jab the “x” button but the third one did not appear? Does it mean something? You watch us carefully when we speak to you. Do we seem less happy now? Are we laughing less at that daft but endearing nickname that you labelled us with? Perhaps that is just because we have become used to it but what if it is not and it is down to something else? We made frequent mention of getting married but that has not been mentioned now for, ooh, 17 days, not that you are keeping an exact record of this type of thing are you?
We know that this repeated and frequent questioning has you unable to focus on anything other than you and I. You struggle to concentrate at work because you are ruminating over the ambiguous comment that we made as we left that morning. It saddens you and the nervous sensation in your stomach makes you feel sick. You try to tell yourself that it is nothing and you are over-thinking matters but you definitely heard us say that we needed more space. Were we talking about a larger house, a bigger office or was it a reference to drawing back the relationship with you? You want to ring us up but you do not want to seem silly or anxious and therefore you do nothing. On the few occasions where you pluck up some courage to ask about the latest ambiguity you are patronised, laughed at or receive an irritated glare for having troubled us with such nonsense. We will bat away your concerns only to reinstate that two hours later with some other act or comment.
You are left on edge. You talk to friends and family about it but you can see that they are becoming bored with these repeated scrutiny sessions. Your mother smiles and tells you that you are reading too much into it and it is just the relationship settling down. Your best friend will sit and listen, allowing you to espouse your various theories as you select the evidence from the weekend which in your mind suggests that we are no longer interested in you. She does her best to explain to the contrary but you can see she has become fed-up with such conversations as you pick through what she considers to be minutiae. Your repeated discussions never find any resolution. You feel a moment of calm and then the doubts return. There is nothing concrete to point to. We have not shouted at you and called you names, that is to come, we have not told you that we do not want to be with you anymore, there is nothing so obvious and direct. No, instead it is a litany of inferences, suggestions, nuances and subtleties which when viewed in isolation are meaningless but when you string them together, well, the collective effect leaves you fearing the worst.
We purposefully engender such a state of affairs. Placing you on tenterhooks causes you to provide us with fuel. Making you uncertain has you working harder to remain with us. Creating doubt prevents you from moving forward. By causing you to obsess on the details you miss the bigger picture caused by this racing mind. You fail to notice that it is deliberate. You fail to notice that it is signalling the devaluation proper. You fail to recognise that this the preparatory work for creating a state of uncertainty on which we will base an array of further manipulations. This starts to drain your energy, wear you down, prevent you from doing other things as you relentlessly focus on us and the relationship that you have with us. Everything else becomes background noise as your default setting becomes one by which you must check that everything is alright between us from the moment you wake and if you perceive that it is not, you spend the day with your mind whirling as you catastrophise and worry which only goes on to make it worse.
We bring this to bear in order to control you. We cause this to happen because we can see your worry, sense your concern and gauge your nervousness which provides us with fuel and signifies that this campaign of created uncertainty is working. There is however one particular element which drives the racing mind more than anything. Whilst we behave like this on purpose for the reasons outlined, the creation of the racing mind relies on a particular characteristic that comes from you so that it is particularly effective. It is this attribute, this state of mind, this belief which is central to the racing mind. The occurrence of the racing mind and the sensations of dread, anxiety, nervousness, bewilderment and fear that always accompany it are driven by one core belief of yours.
You believe that your reaction shows just how much you love and adore us.
The existence of worry and repeated analysis convinces you that this is because the love that we have is ultra-special and thus you must fight to retain it.
This notion, understandable as it is, is a fallacy.
You feel like this because you have been manipulated.
63 thoughts on “The Racing Mind”
Thank You for writing this. I thought this more times than I care to admit. I have just started reading these post and I do have to say You H G have a gift when I comes to writing. I feel so much but often can’t find the words to express myself especially now! I lost my voice but I have to get it back .
BEST ONE EVER. And that is REALLY saying something, because all of your posts are Brilliant. Haven’t seen him in 50 days and hopefully just had my last conversation with him. Must remove this EVIL from my life completely. I am ready to stop the tears and suffering and create a happy life again. Thank you so much for your insight. Every word is SO TRUE. You Rock. 😃
Thank you DDD that is appreciated. You are doing well at 50 days but there is time yet. Keep reading to maintain those defences.
You are still talking about US most of the time: How WE feel, think, suffer, struggle…
What about YOU? And what about The Creature?
Or is there really NOTHING THERE – not even a creature?
When I talk about how you feel think and suffer, I am talking about me because I am telling you that I know how you feel, that I know how to cause that and I know what will happen. It is about me. As for the creature, oh he is there alright, you will get plenty of him in The Creature when it is published.
My father is a narc, I married a narc and stayed for 22 years…. I didn’t know what I was dealing with up until 3ish years ago… I went through this stage and it took a dear friend saying to me ” look, I love you and I support you! But I am really sick of hearing this over and over… This is getting old!! When we talk again, I want to hear something different, I want to hear what YOU are going to do about it. It is time for change, this is abusive. What are going to do?” The next time I called her, I had made a choice to get a lawyer and file ” legal seperation” See, I have strong convictions about divorce and didn’t want to be in the wrong. Well 2 months out I wish I just would have done the whole shebang. He got so much worse after I filed.
Next month we should be finishing up and I will be the first one signing to make it a divorce.
Anyway thank you for your insight, I share your thoughts with a lot with people I come across that are just learning about narcissism and dealing with someone like this. Your page has been instrumental of my understanding of narcissism!
One thing I am learning a lot of it is about ego and attention…. I hate to say this because it is not in my nature to be manipulative, but I have come to the point that I can manipulate a situation based on the knowledge I have learned. Does it always work In my favor… Not always… When it doesn’t, I don’t let on. When it does… I don’t let on either. Make it seem like it is his idea and for his advantage. And the little things that I don’t win… It’s okay! Small sacrifices need to be made. But I have come along way and I am never looking back!
Hello Melissa, thank you for your post and your kind comments, they are appreciated. It often takes a friend to bring some awareness but also requires the victim to actually listen and this often does not always happens (rarely because of the victim’s fault but because they have been indoctrinated in the way I have described). People manipulate every day and often even though they are nowhere on the scale of what we do, it is called the little white lie, so you using the situation to your advantage when you do cannot be considered a mortal sin.
HG, from where you say “People manipulate every day and often even though they are nowhere on the scale of what we do, it is called the little white lie, so you using the situation to your advantage when you do cannot be considered a mortal sin” reminded me of John Spence’s quote “If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past. If you lie, it becomes part of your future”, I liked (and agree with too) the analogy of those words. Your words ‘confirm’ to me why I should not feel guilt for applying ‘manipulation’ especially when I recognise I am dealing with a fu*ken Lesser in a fu*ken supermarket 😉
Having said that, I felt ‘guilt’ for so many years, when in fact it was not ‘applicable’. At all. I had not realized this until I came here.
There is a large part of the conversation on this thread that would be beneficial for some people who may be going through a similar ‘thought and / or feeling’ process.
What it is interesting though, in my case, I did not realise the ‘position’ of my emotional thinking ‘state’ was in around 2 years ago, compared to the sudden ‘failed attempt’ at suicide when I was 19. Neither of those ‘occasions’ were ‘planned’, or even ‘considered’. I now know that the ‘threat’ will not ‘surface’ again because I no longer have that ‘dark baggage’ within me, just teeny weeny little bits of ‘residue’ that no longer has any major impact, or future threat.
It was good to come across this thread on this article. Thank you, HG.
Excellent! True healing comes from this blog… Brutal and educational… The more you fill your mind with the truth, the closer you are to full clarity and healing…
Well said, Evan ❤️
Libertygal please don’t say that. You are not alone in how you’ve been made to feel, and it was DONE to you, it is not reality… You were played and victimized… Your reality is yet to come, dear. I have been as devastated as you are, and these past couple weeks are the first in a few years that I have been able to get through my days without a lump in my throat. There IS another side, and you WILL get to the other side. I wish you could contact me directly.
We are nevr alone in our struggles, reaching out for help is a wonderful start. One step at a time and keep moving ❤️
Thank you Miss S.
You will find much support here, please seek mental health assistance as well for any suicide ideation. If feelings persist and you feel unable to cope.
Thank you Miss S.
I sent you an email.
I now believe that there is a boot camp somewhere that all N’s have attended. And I believe that you are their drill sergeant HG. 🙂 Let me give you a progress report on mine… He is a most compliant soldier, out here maneuvering in almost EXACT accordance with the manual.
(Disclaimer: This is pure sarcasm. My way of saying “spot-on”. Lol!)
Drill sergeant?! I’m the five star general!!
My apologies, General! I stand corrected. Lol!
That’s more like it!
Hi HG, this post brings awareness with simplicity. The illusions that the appliance create in their mind sets the stage overly vulnerable repeatedly back and forth to grief and fear for hooks under a narcissist spell. Is the fallacy chosen by the appliance to be as one a mere self- distraction seeking external “love” in result, a narcissist delicious, scrumptious food and fuel?
From my HTC Amaze 4G on T-Mobile. The first nationwide 4G network
Is this an episode of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy?
And then … if we dare to question what’s going on – we’re told we’re “overthinking” and we’re too sensitive. I’d reached a point where I barely spoke my opinion to him because no matter what I said, he’d say I was “overthinking.”
And the shrinking x’s in texts! Plus, no emojis anymore. 🙁 That was all part of his manipulation.
Fantastic post. Much needed! Thank you, HG.
You are most welcome Hope.
Oh yes it’s the managing down so they can add more fun during their silent treatments and return to even less questioning. Emotional abuse pure and simple.
Yes MLA, he damned me on the questioning and then blasted me with the silent treatment as punishment…it was habitual. Well I never knew it was that as I believed he was depressed and introverted at the time….silly trusting me 😞
If I got called silly boots one more time….for asking a. Question or worrying. I was tempted to ask him to run me a bubble bath and fetch my blankie and teddy for me.
Omg… Like I’ve said before, this specific similarities in all of these scenarios is mind-blowing. Mine was XOXOXO!!! Always, consistently, exactly… during the golden period for 3 years. (Three of each and three exclamations). When it would drop to a mere xoxo, or xox, or whatever version… I now know I was entering the devaluation phase. He knew the significance of that. I didn’t know it was a manipulation then, but now I know.
That picture is hilarious. Look at those skinny legs. The reality of it isn’t funny (although to you it is). Yes to much of that. Ye who must control. “You’re not wearing those shorts bc you gained a couple pounds.” Translation, “My brother said your legs were damn hot in those shorts, you slutbucket. You can’t wear them.” So many different nuances. Then one day a lightbulb went on and I challenged him. He previously told me how fun it was to manipulate people. Then a small voice said, “stupid Jaded, you are people.” The dynamic changed a bit. The anxiety subsided just a bit, and it was replaced with clarity.
Clarity is the first step forward.
I agree. The Tubster is what he is; he did not choose to be this way, nor can he change it. That is the big takeaway for me here.
I want it to stop. I want all of it to stop. I have tried multiple times to end it. I cannot live with him and I cannot live without him. I cannot live like this much longer. I am trapped. I only see one viable option to stop the pain.
Actually you have several options available to you. You also can live without him, we just make it seem like you can’t and we certainly make it feel like you can’t. But you can. You can tackle it by understanding it and by understanding it you will lessen the emotional impact it has on you. You are not trapped. You are made to feel like you are trapped. This is the entire design that we create but take if from one who creates this and who has written about the ways you can tackle it, it can be overcome.
If i never take another thing away from this blog, I will take away this. It is a summary of life with your kind. This sounds so much like a compassionate response coming from you. If not, at least it is honest.
Honesty not compassion. The honest and brutal truth is what is delivered here.
Wisdom knows that anything that does not hold a compassionate component is not honest. Honesty requires compassion.
I don’t like sushi. That’s an honest statement. There is no compassion in that statement
I like Finlandia vodka. That’s an honest statement. There is no compassion in that statement.
We are not talking about sushi and we are not talking about vodka and that is an honest statement that holds compassion towards the fact that you are not able to recognize that.
HG, you should consider posting this paragraph on the homepage of your site, and maybe even at the start of each of your books.
This statement is so powerful and it is exactly what all of us entangled with a narc need to hear. Again and again.
Liberty, please keep posting on this site and get out all the hurt and fear and anger you have. I agree with what others have said about seeking help, but remember no matter what you’re not alone. I feel like every other day (or week or month) I am going through the same kinds of things you’ve described. Coming to this site will not make it stop, but it will help you regain even an ounce of sanity and we’ll be here to help encourage and support you along the way.
I know you all are smart enough to figure out that the paragrah I was referring to is the one where HG says: Actually you have several options… Not the one about sushi and vodka. 🙂
Seriously, HG, the “several options” paragraph is gold. We should all get it tattooed on our foreheads- except backward so we can read in the mirror. 😉
Please reach out to your local or regional mental health authorities, or go to the emergency department of the hospital which is closest to you. If you are unable to access the above for whatever reason, exercise the courage you have here and tell a stranger that you need help. The abuse that has been inflicted on you is serious.
That’s just it…. I cannot be helped. He is the one who breaks me but he is also the thing that fixes me. So I run willingly to him, time and time again. I break my own heart….knowingly….again and again. I have lost every shred of pride and self respect I ever had. I am stripp
Any person that abuses you is not what fixes you. It sounds to me as if you are in the deep throes of the dependency that is created by – the abuse – with help you can break free. It may well be the hardest task that you undertake in your life.
I am here for the brutal honesty. I need it. Thank you HG and folks who post here. I appreciate your thoughts and support.
Liberty, please don’t hurt yourself or worse. Your finding this blog is perfect timing. Please read through. Take the time. It is worth it. You are worth it. He is not worth taking your life.
I am hanging on by a thread but I am hanging on… And I will keep doing so because there are 2 little people who need me. Thanks for your kind words.
Immerse yourself in their love of their pure little hearts. They will be your anchor through it.
You are worthy of love, care, attention and respect just as you are, even if you are feeling hopeless, weak and helpless at this stage of your life!
You are worthy of help, understanding and healing. xx
It is very hard to see this because one year ago on this holiday weekend, I dealt with yet another crashing blow and abandonment by mine. I felt as low as you. Don’t think about dying though. It won’t phase him. He won’t regret it. The sun will rise and set like always and he will carry on as always. Don’t make a permanent ending about him. Slowly wean off of him and learn to live again in spite of him.
You could be pleasantly surprised what you could be planning and doing a year from now too. I will be taking my daughter to Disney World in 2 months for a vacation with my cousin that I am ecstatic to do. It’s absorbing in the good love in your life and learning how to purge out the bad. I still have very sad days sure, but then I say F**K him!
Well expressed MLA, they do not care for what we feel or if we feel. Unless it provides them with fuel, it is of no consequence when it relates to us alone. Unplug him and replug yourself into you ❤️
You keep hangimg on. I see your strength. You can conquer this.
I know ur feeling dear LG1776
We all passed through it.
Please DO, ACT. i know how it s difficult because u r paralysed.
Start from a veeery small thing which does not require any strong movemwnt from ur side: GO to psychotherapist.
And remember: ” what hurts u cannot heal u”. It means: start having ur space with a help of psychotherapist and possibly pills.
But DO NOT share it with the deffective person who hurts u.
Try NO CONTACT. It s the only solution.
Realise that he is ill, defective.
And that viable option is: abandoning him, instead of youself!
Reading this just makes me flipping angry to hear details of cold calculated CRUELTY. This is inexcusable and pathetic. Truly only a depraved person lacking any sense of conscience would plan and execute such detrimental ways of controlling another human being for their own purposes. I’m sorry, I just can’t say anything remotely humorous or flattering in response to this lengthy and triggering reminder. Racing mind Indeed. Y’all have a great Sunday.
Thank you Bethany.
Agree totally Bethany
Thank you for this post. This puts into words exactly what the last 24 hours of my life has been. He is so sick and obviously so am I. 🙁
Yup, because I have been manipulated.
I have spent the entire past week doing exactly this. Most of my friends have completely given up on me with this endless obsessing about what N really means. It’s intentional??? That’s outrageous, but of course you are right. Thank you HG this was helpful to me.
I found a somewhat successful coping strategy. I utilized a friend, the only friend who can still tolerate my endless questions about what N really means by x,y,z. With permission I texted friend several times a day this week asking him what N meant by x,y,z. He is like a 12 step sponsor. I have to do this every day because I go into denial so easily and forget the bad times. I actually need people to remind me how I was abused. I forget.
Why is it so darned hard to let go of a ridiculous situation like this?
Because he still NEEDS me, how can I possibly abandon him???
It’s intentional. I never manage to hold onto that truth. Poor helpless dear. Ruthlessly manipulating me. Poor dear. Tearing me down and wearing me down intentionally. Poor sick dear…..
As I was reading there was just one word, or better 2 words in my mind.. Which is the last sentence of this blog
Higly manipulative. All pure manipulative.
Extremely dangerous.. All done on purpose and calculated. 😢😢😢