Asking the Question

 

 

You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.

“You look really well,you have lost weight.”

“That skirt really suits you.”

“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”

“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”

“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”

She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.

“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”

“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”

“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”

“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”

She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,

“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”

She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“What are you thinking?”

“Where is your mind today?”

“What’s going on upstairs?”

Repeatedly throughout the day, as  we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.

 All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?

One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.

“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”

I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.

After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask

“What are you thinking about”

She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?

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23 thoughts on “Asking the Question”

  1. I’m a lot like Sophie in my relationships. I can see all of the attempts by my narcissists ale to hurt me and lower me. I attribute it to the fact that they hate themselves underneath and I move on. No need to make things unpleasant.

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  2. HG , what are your thoughts on this ? I have read something saying that N’s don’t feel emotions in the same way and the article also said they often say things like they don’t understand emotions or they are emotionless (mine claimed to be emotionless). This article said , that narcissists claim to not have or understand emotions just so they can get away with doing what ever they want , so this is not true , just the excuse they use for bad behaviour . What are your thoughts on this (excluding the empathy subject ) because that does not cover all emotions and feelings

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    1. Hello Lisa, I can understand that someone might think we pretend not to have or to understand emotions in order to get away with doing what we want, but that is an incorrect assertion. We experience many negative emotions, anger, fury, hatred, envy, frustration, irritation and jealousy to name several. We do not experience emotions such as remorse, joy, happiness, guilt or sorrow. We do understand those emotions and we also understand how to mimic them so it appears as if we are experiencing them. We understand how it is necessary to feign them for the purposes of fitting in, to con those around us and to draw the appropriate responses and fuel.

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  3. poor happy go lucky Sophie what did she do to deserve meeting you. I hope she is back to the person she was before you played your game.

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  4. What was it about thinking that caused Sophie so much consternation? She probably was told men don’t like women who are very opinionated, so she forced herself to be the woman of no opinions.

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    1. Maybe she was an air head. Maybe thinking hurt her head. Maybe thinking hurt her heart. Maybe she had been conditioned to do, rather than think. Most likely, she had been moulded as a Stepford.

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    2. I am told that Cara, it doesn’t stop me 😊 too thinking, too knowing, too questioning…too much. It would hurt my head not to think lol
      Yes a stepford, are they not the Narcisisists ideal? What a coup for a man who could turn me into one, he would be powerful to commit such a feat. I am too wilfully defiant, despite my love and loyalty. Challenging and. Submissive, a paradox that confounds and frustrates, I am sure. Fuel wise, a Narcisisists dream, based on my emotionalness, but the other side of me the fact they can not abide my Enquiring mind. Would make me unreliable and no doubt, deem me faulty. I am a shock risk or fire hazard, perhaps.

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  5. HG, one of my earlier questions was if someone just gave you nice continuous fuel that wouldn’t work either ? You implied that it would ? And to try it ? Sophie did but it did not satisfy you ? She could be described as the perfect appliance ? And yet , no she was not ? Interesting ? Why do you think you could not just accept that the appliance was working very well ?

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  6. Ah poor Sophie. I so wanted her to not get upset over anything.

    Now that I know all about Ns I literally don’t think there is anything at all ever that could upset me anymore – no matter what. When you understand why people behave the way they do. It makes that impossible. Whether they’re being fake nice, nasty or ignoring.

    Hahhaha now there’s an invite HG 🙂

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    1. Some people just have an instrinsic way to distress me and they know this. I need to change this in me. I know how they behave, but my diffulty lays in how I react.

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  7. How sad HG to have provoked all that range of neg fuel instead of enjoying the positive one. Did you discover what was so bad about thinking? Did she then have obsessive thoughts?

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