Darkness

 

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Do you feel the darkness as it coils about you? Do you see those midnight black tendrils as they slither towards you? Do you recognise that encroaching cloak of nothingness as it begins to wrap around you? Do you see how the inky murk blots out parts of your life as your friends become obscured by the gathering darkness? Have you any idea what is waiting for you in the shade as the pools of despair begin to form at your feet? Can you feel the icy embrace as the levels of gloom start to rise, swallowing you up bit by bit? Are you aware of the advancing chasm as it swallows up your family, wrenching them away from you consigning them to oblivion? The engulfing darkness causes them to vanish and even their desperate cries and shouts become muffled and then extinguished. Do you remember what held your interest before this fog arrived? Can you recall those hobbies and past times that entertained you and gave you a sense of who you were as you enjoyed engaging in them and with other people? Can you or is the fog too thick so that you doubt if you ever did undertake them at all? Have you noticed how the air has become thicker and cloyed with poison or do you breathe it in oblivious to the toxicity that comes with it? Are you aware how the twilight has percolated into your ears so that everything you hear has become twisted and distorted? Do you recognise what is patently before you or do the shadowy shapes and figures make little sense when they once did? Have you realised that your words have become dust in your mouth as the fur of the darkness fills your mouth and slides down your throat, strangling the sounds you try to make? Do you feel the icy embrace of this impenetrable wall of darkness which advances to you and over you? Do you recognise this glacier of despair as it slides over you, subsuming you and sucking you deep inside, preserving you in a dark, icy tomb? Do you even see your reflection in the mirror anymore or has that become masked in darkness too, the glass dulled so that everything becomes obscured and shows something else entirely? Do you see those shades which come and torment you, their sinewy fingers pulling at you as they strip you piece by piece of what you are? Do you observe these wraiths as they devour you, sucking what you are into their dark maws? How does it feel as this corrupting night brings permanent darkness to your world? Do you see how nothing grows anymore when touched by the gloomy taint? Do you smell that foul stench which accompanies this unending blanket of murk? The acrid fumes which waft into your nostrils and eradicate anything sweet and pleasant. Do you notice how your tongue lies flat and useless in your mouth, little more than a cold slab? Do you even acknowledge how everything tastes like ash? Do you feel the leaden weight of this darkness pulling at you, slowing you and seeking to engulf you? Do you recognise how it prevents you from breaking free, this glue-like morass which has fastened on to you and will not yield? Do you notice the fatigue that now wraps around you, leeching at your energy and vitality? Do you hear anything other than the whispers of malevolent control that rattle about your beleaguered brain? Do you know who you are or has this vast amorphous darkness eradicated your sense of being? Do you remember what it was to feel uplifted, joyous and happy or have you become accustomed to the flat, perilous embrace of this total darkness? Do you even feel anything anymore other or has the cosseting black cloud anaesthetised you, numbing and freezing? Do you feel the darkness? No, you ever do. You never see the darkness until you have seen the light.

 

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61 thoughts on “Darkness”

      1. But every darkness has its light. You have your own light HG. Even a blind would feel your light. Maybe you had a past which took you to shine darkness ( circumstances) but like dawn I can feel it in your words and in your laughter. 😍🌔

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  1. I was fortunate that narc #1 was never able to isolate me from friends and family, most didn’t live close by anyway. Also my job meant I travelled away a considerable amount of time thereby escaping his influence.

    The thing that coloured my world was shame. I was ashamed that I allowed the abuse and that prevented me from telling anyone. Also I’ve always prided myself on handling problems myself which made it impossible for me to ask for help.

    It was in some ways like being in a fog. I could just about make out the person I used to be in the distance but I could never manage to catch up with them.

    I read, in a psychological text recently that sTTome narcissists have a void experience in the chest area, also described as a darkness, as though no feelings are being generated. Is this something you feel HG?

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      1. What exactly do you call the light if you’re the darkness? I feel like I’m talking to the joker

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      2. I ask this because I’m Christian non Catholic and this is conflicting I don’t believe in exorcism

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    1. They will out the blame on you letting know you to know think believe swallowing their word with the trust they build in you making them look like fell be with fake evidence reliable in every way these are the worse specially at church were the one who allowed their wrongdoing to control you is another scheme to make you feel at fault and destroy your seizes term which “gives them power” and fuel its all about fuel and destruction which is more fuel and their win even before Jesus himself

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      1. Ouch in your book exorcism do you mean actual exorcism or is it just a word to metaphoric ? Btw Jesus is my light

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  2. Very very dark HG! It is also very very deep! I think perhaps this will go down as one of my favorites! I love your writing!! Xxx

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    1. At least he’s being honest boy I know a few people who could learn from his honesty Garbage of human being narciccist who are garbage people what Americans call shirt people the worse human puss is what I call

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  3. I have seen and felt both. I have faced the darkness, felt it’s pull to bring me to it’s side, I’ve fought and overcame, burned to ashes and rose again. The darkness does not mess with me. I have the sword of light and the light will always cut through, and guardians stand beside me for the battles to come, I know longer fear the darkness, and it knows this, and for that I am hated, and will be sought to succumb but I need not worry.

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  4. Count Dracula,
    A couple things…..how creepy is it that your post had 666 words in it? On purpose? Other thing at first I felt like I was at a pajama party and we snuck boys in and we are sitting around in the dark you all emo like with a flashlight under your chin telling us this creepy ghost story. Then it got scarier and I went back to the cut up body parts thing and felt my spine tingle. I get up to run and just like in the movies I trip, fall down and say ow my ankle as u with a hockey mask grab me and drag me off into the woods. Never to be seen again. The problem is I want to believe (Mulder) that being around u would be all unicorns and rainbows. Then I read something like this and think, who is this guy? Why are we here?

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    1. That’s something the joker would say Heath leaders poor guy rip he was hit one of my favorites still in love with him

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  5. This is beautifully written, though I’m not afraid of darkness. I posted a poem how I embrace darkness. This is more like sinister but even that isn’t the word I’m trying for.

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  6. “Do you remember what it was to feel joyous, uplifted and happy…..” – well this sentence certainly rang true for me!! I know very much so how this feels. I’m in throws of trying to get through this one as i write this!! I am struggling to remember this feeling… parts of me want to give up… throw the towel in as such!! But ill keep on fighting… coz at the end of the… struggling to remember it now still affords me hope!! Hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! However if i let her back in…. all hope goes and know that all that’s left for me is to drown in the cest pool that is her abuse and the pain she rains down me!!!

    “Can you recall those hobbies and past times that entertained you and gave you a sense of who you were as you enjoyed engaging in them and with other people? Can you or is the fog too thick so that you doubt if you ever did undertake them at all?” – and yes… i do very much so doubt it!! I doubt it a lot!! I cant recall with clarity the joys that existed before her and this fact frustrates me more than i care to admit!! I spend countless hours walking around in circles… going from one task to the next, trying desperately to remember that feeling of knowing who i am… feeling lost in a never ending sea of near madness. Who am I?? Where has C gone?? Why can’t I enjoy any of the tasks that im sure i used to find pleasure doing??

    Fingers are crossed with wishes for a better day to come… for her fog and her darkness to dissipate into the return of my clarity and my pleasure…. my happiness and contentment!!

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    1. If she can not infiltrate and destroy your happiness again,you will find all those again for yourself and within yourself.
      The last paragraph was lovely CJ.

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      1. I do seem to have a wee knack for writing expressively usually lol. Was always good at it through out school etc too.
        😉

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      2. Me too!!

        Oh btw…. surprise… im up again and its only 3.27am lol!!! YAY!! Lol

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  7. Is there a sense of love In That darkness that craves to grow in the light? I can see In the darkness, like a cat, walking around, never bumping into anything. I find darkness calming. It feels like a warm blanket over me, conforting me and covering me. Love feels the same way.
    I dont feel those things, you speak of in the darkness, I feel them In the light, it is In the light, I may see you coming. I am aware of what will happen. I am safe In the dark. It is in the darkness I am offered protection. In The dark you will wrap your arms around me and we shall sleep. For In the light, everything shall change. You will change. You will change me, Darkness obscures the truth. The light reveals it.
    Yet, Even in the light I can create my own darkness, when I close my eyes. As I shall do soon, for sleep.

    This is one of the first writings I read of yours HG, it is just as evocative to read now, as it was when. Beautiful.

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    1. MS aka Little Miss Sunshine….u r so positive. Love that.
      I too love the night. It starts at twilight. I love sunsets. I like the painted sky they bring. I love the moon and stars. I like the quiet. The calm stillness. I think at night. I cannot sleep. I suffer insomnia. I don’t need much sleep. I feel safe because my husband is good. A provider a protector. He gives me freedom and his trust. The problem is me. I wait for him to turn bad. He doesn’t. I don’t know this. How do I deal with this? Why are you nice to me? Why don’t I have to think 10 moves ahead in every direction?. Narc aftermath at its finest. So, I have to learn to live in the light and not think. Just be me. And people will actually like that. I don’t need to be what they want. Or be what they need. I’m free to be me…whoever that is…I’m still getting to know her. HG are you feeling me? No? Your technique is still available but their are choices and course correction. Jus sayin.

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      1. Definitely not little miss nightlight lol
        No one should be what someone else wants them to be 2mpathetic…..if others cannot accept us, as we are then that is their issue, not ours. Especially based in their reasoning for finding fault.

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      2. Thanks MS. I am used to being a chameleon. I reflect what others need. I read them and give to them. I receive accolades. But I care immensely to please. I want everyone to happy all the time. I use comedy and being the fun governer as a shield. But I can also disassociate and walk away If I need to. Especially if you anger me. I walk. What am I? Thoughts anyone, especially the master of this area??? Enlighten me HG. Btw it’s freakin hot as hell here like 98 degrees by the water.

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      3. I don’t like lying, misrepresentation, disloyalty, people taking advantage of others, injustices. If someone got in my face screaming abuses I would sometimes let it go other times I would attack back. I would pick the battle. But I’m not afraid to fight emotionally or physically. Thoughts?

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      4. So what are you? I would say that you are an honest, decent and empathic person judging by those comments. You also fountain with fuel with some of your responses but not if you let it go.

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      5. Haha tricked you….no u won’t be fooled. So they do like me. Hmmmm. I don’t trust them. They are all like you, except Dr. M and my husband. I’ll still be your friend HG because I like to hear u talk. But I can’t trust you. I’m cool with it if you are. I like your stolen personality.

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      6. So you are an empty void ? Filing yourself with the praise and attention and reaction of others. Attention seeking to mask self esteem issues and the need to be desired and liked? Using bawdy humour to deflect that need, but also highlighting it. For what aim do you care to please? To fill your own void primarily or to please others?
        These are not criticism by the way, you opened it up to questioning to me. So I am obliging as I am a questioner. What do you think you are ? How are you In the quiet and silence of your own space and mind? How are you when you are not the centre of attention? Do you feel invisible ? Do you entertain others to make your self know to tie hrs or to yourself? It is always vital to understand oneself and why we engage and behave as we do. I am always looking to understand myself. This is wonderful that you seek the same for yourself.

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  8. MS,
    Yes I like to please people. I think im a hollow bunny. My husband says im a chocolate bunny filled with caramel. Caramel because its sweet and gooey. I get filled by people being happy. I like to give joy to people. I often ask people, “did you have fun?” When they say yes, “I say that’s all that matters”. When I am not around others I am not gregarious. I am quiet. I am a bookworm. I like being alone. I do enjoy people immensely. I like to know their stories and views and every other thing they offer. Not to fill me, but to feel what they feel. I often make “friends” everywhere I go, seriously, in line at the bank, bartender last night, went to Summerdance in the park last night, made friends on the dance floor. Like they give me their phone number or address or ask to meet me somewhere. This is without knowing what I do for a living. Wherever I go i meet and make friends super easy. My husband has to pull me away sometimes, he’ll say come on friendly let’s go. I don’t need the attention, it just comes. I listen to others, ask questions, ask why do they feel that way. Make them feel valued, validate their views when I agree, and make them laugh and have fun. I do feel that the persona is put on, but Dr. M says no that it is me. That I couldn’t be that if I didn’t possess it. I say what about acting? He says greatest actors draw from real emotion. Am I really that person? Am I really beautiful and funny and extremely bright like people say? Do they mean it? It really doesn’t matter if they do. There will always be a new person no matter where I go to say those same things and I’ll not know what to say and change the subject to focus on them.

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      1. So H
        U think my acting comes from my real emotions inside me? and for u, you would get your acting skills externally from me or someone else? Dr. M says I have great acting skills but can pull out emotions like trying on clothes. But I feel them. I can think of situation and pull out that emotion. Is that how you do H or your a mockingbird or a Mockingjay cuz your in the hunger games?

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      2. Indeed. The Hunger Games, you mean Battle Royale with Cheese? I know the books and film (although I only bothered with the first one and thought it was pants) are popular but it is a blatant rip off of Battle Royale and the author claimed never to have heard of it. Of course and I never tell lies.

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    1. I agree with Dr M, it is your Persona. Look how people,, including yourself and myself and host of others are drawn to Narcissists, it is their persona that they present to others to achieve what they need in themselves. You need to be liked and your persona obliges you.
      If you are not hurting others and being malicious then there is nothing wrong with that. If it fulfills you.
      I like what your husband says about the Carmel Inside the chocolate bunny. That is a sweet and loving sentiment. He gets you.
      Yes, all that matters is how you feel in yourself. If you feel good, then it is as it should be.
      Thank you ABB for answering all those questions so honestly.

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    2. Hi ABB…. i was just reading your comment and im not sure if im right or not but it almost sounds like your happiness is dependant on others being happy???!

      If thats the case…. i can truly 100 % understand that as i have been like this for as long as i can remember. I am actually BPD and this is almost a given for borderline’s… we put ppl up on a pedestal perse and then yea… our happiness becomes dependant on their happiness!!!

      I have learnt finally however that this will NEVER lead you to achieving true genuine happines!!! You can’t be truly happy until you can be happy with yourself… an example would be that you can be when you are alone doing things for yourself… not a single thought of others and if they will lie what your doing etc etc. Happiness… true… GENUINE happiness has start with you… not be dependant on everyone around you being happy. What happens when the does comes that something forces you into a position of isolation for example… some sort of situation where your forced to be with you self only??!

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      1. CJH03,
        Thanks for responding. I am fine with being alone. I quite like it. But I do want others to be happy. In the beginning I would go to the task even if was detrimental to me. Now I have learned to say No. It was a transition with many variations in between, but I can say no now without worrying.

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      2. That’s awesome ABB that you can now say no. I still at certain times with certain people, struggle to say no when it comes to doing anything possible (within my sphere of influence) for these people. I would probably attempt to walk thru fire for them!!! (Such is the Borderline’s way of thinking when they are in the throws of idolising someone!! It’s actually quite horrible to know that i would go to this extreme when I am in that state and that i more or less have no control over it!!! Thats how strong this disease is that i have. However, since walking away – or still trying to – from this last relationship with the narc ex girlfriend, I won’t let anybody close enough to me that i risk the borderline behaviour rearing its ugly head and going thru the pedestal and idolising stuff again. I’m working extremely hard in therapy to get control over this because I hate that aspect of myself!!! It makes things so extremely painful when people end up inevitably leaving!! So yes… spending a great deal of time alone right now lol.

        Thanks ABB for being ok with my responding. I’m very glad that you infact can do the alone thing.

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      3. Chh03,
        I can go on with life because new people enter in and out of my sphere of reference. I met 4 couples tonight and some younger girls. Got all their phone numbers and sent concert pics 2 them. I had to learn 2 say no. It took me about 10years of therapy to say that, but I’m OK now and I’m not going to hurt myself to make another person happy. Thanks for listening. 😊😉

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  9. 🎧Hello Darkness my old friend🎧 I’ve come to talk to you again.. 🎧 Haunting and gripping! Seems I was born into The DARKNESS where DENIAL has been KING!!! Thrown into the MANY BLACK HOLES!! BASHED back down by the nearest Narc at any emerging from them!! Tunneling around in the darkness trying to find a way out! Whenever I spotted a “Light at the end of a dark tunnel (hope, love, and a bright future), it was just a FREIGHT TRAIN coming my way! (ANOTHER NARC!) I was forced into the darkness until it was my abode. No choice. So, I would take my Bible down there and look for Jesus in all of it.. WHERE IS HE in ALL of THIS??? ! Pretty soon HIS LIGHT was with me! I could see the TRUTH and HE would give me peace and comfort in “The Hole” that I was forced to dwell. Pretty soon I found that THOSE HOLES became my FOXHOLES to jump in and ESCAPE when the BOMBS were blowing up all around me and I could dive in and HIDE!! My safety and my refuge! Then I realized I had found the “Secret Place of the MOST High God” found in Psalm 91 that covers and protects us from all things EVIL!! Who wouldn’t WANT to KNOW this Beautiful Saviour? Turns out not ANY of the Narcissists wanted to know my Prince of Peace..(They sure like to USE Him by putting on the Sherpa clothing!!) I always found myself thrown into much thicker darker darkness when I’d WILLINGLY follow the Narc Pied Pipers into many traps.. Or that HANDSOME DEVIL with the big toothy grin enviting me off the path for promises of adventure and excitement! Psalms 91 only covers the ones that “stay under the Shadow of the Almighty Who’s powers no foe can withstand!”.. Which are BOUNDARIES!! Boundaries between me and stupid choices! ! It’s ME who has RUN INTO the darkness chasing after Devils trying to save them! Convince them! Revue them! It’s ME that stepped out on what I KNEW was NOT Gods plan or Way.. It was ME that kept CLOSING MY EYES to the OVERWHELMING evidence that told me the TRUTH! Yes I was lied to. Yes the Narcs pulled the wool over my eyes at FIRST.. But I could SEE that these people weren’t lining up with the “love walk” where I was concerned!! I kept going BACK to them for MORE! This place here is shedding the light on MY behavior! MY insistence to KEEP being a dungeon dweller!! Jesus warned me not to hang with Angry hotheads! That 2 can’t walk together unless they are in agreement.. I didn’t listen. Darkness is the only consequence when you don’t accept the LIGHT that you KNOW AND WALK IN IT! How can I see the light when I keep closing my eyes? Or turning a blind eye to what I see? He said the TRUTH would set us free! Joyce Meyer (my t.v. Mom) was RIGHT! It’s the TRUTH ABOUT what I’M DOING in LIGHT of the TRUTH that will set me free!! Jesus brought me here so you can shed THAT LIGHT ON THIS DARKNESS that has tried to swallow me whole chew me up and spit me out! Denial, delusion, was MY walk! Why else would I run after HATE to receive Love? Thank you for helping open my eyes to MY own ignorant prideful willingness to follow the darkness expecting to see the light! HG😎 Thank you for this place.

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