The Mid-Range

 

Image result for picture of a gas station

 

Meet Malcolm the Mid-Range Narcissist. Say hello Malcolm.

“Hello.”

Ever obliging is Malcolm, part of his charm. He doesn’t have the ubermensch mentality of the Greater and nor is he governed by the almost rash instinctive behaviour of the Lesser. Malcolm is not so much defined by what he is, but by what he is not.

“Isn’t that right Malcolm?”

“Isn’t what right my dear?”

“You are a Mid-Range Narcissist.”

Malcolm laughs. It is an affable laugh. He knows that a veneer of self-effacement is effective to get what he wants. He is not prone to the wild outlandish boasts of the Lesser (based on what he thinks he is and therefore says as such as a matter of immediate response) or the Greater (who actually has the achievements and accomplishments to back up those boasts, but boast about them the Greater always must).

“Hey, what can I say, I like to look good and you know, you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else, that’s what I always say.”

You see, Malcolm thinks that is what a narcissist is. Somebody who loves themselves. He lacks the higher function to know what it really means and lacks the cunning to know it himself but to deny it to those who would seek to topple him. He has some understanding so the comment does not present as a criticism to him, but since he has a moderate degree of function, he knows enough to use it to maintain his façade of being a decent, likeable and reliable fellow.

“You are a likeable chap, I must say.”

“Why thank you and may I say how lovely you look today.”

“That’s most kind, mind you, you are not the first person to compliment me on my appearance.”

Let’s see how he responds to that little piece of provocation. Did you see it? There was a flash of the inner fury but he kept it under control Watch again. You see the sudden frown and the narrowing of the eyes as his jealousy started to climb inside of him as he felt the injury from this criticism. My comment suggested that someone else might be interested in me, that I am not just Malcolm’s. Of course, it was just a well-meant and polite compliment, but like all of their kind, Malcolm views the world from a position of suspicion and wariness. Wariness is an apt description for Malcolm. He doesn’t erupt in the way Lee the Lesser might have done if I had made the same remark. Lee would have responded with insulting questions to my comment. The Greater would show no sign of concern but file the remark away to be used at the appropriate time, when the moment is exactly right. Anyway, let’s get back to Malcolm. There is that flash of fury but he has enough control to keep it held back. For now. He won’t let it go though, he cannot.

“Oh really, who said that?”

He asks in a tone of relative disinterest but he is dying to know. He wants to know because he feels uncomfortable at this revelation. He does not know precisely why, although he knows he has to be wary about someone interfering with his partner because after all, he wants to maintain his façade of family man with the dedicated wife and so forth. Steady Malcolm who knows he is not amongst the elite of the world, but he is also far from the underclass too. He has abilities and people should recognise that. Okay, he is not the best, but he is still good, very good actually.

“Oh you know the attendant at the petrol station, he chats to me every time I am in there, he probably fancies me.”

There it is again. The brief look of consternation. The fury is rising but he is managing to keep a grip on it, but he won’t be able to do so for long. He does not want to erupt, he knows that will not do, that is not how he behaves, but he knows he needs to do something to counter this threat. He does not like the fact that I am accepting compliments from this interloper, I should only receive them from him.

“Yes well, I was told by Lucy at the florists that I look ten years younger than my real age.”

There we are. He is switching to an alternative fuel source. His level of function allows him to rely on a past event and still draw fuel from it. The Lesser would not be able to do that. Firstly, his fury would have erupted already and secondly even if it had not, he would struggle to bring up the previous compliment. His mind does not work that way. Malcolm can though and this is his way of switching the spotlight back on to him. He is also looking to get a reaction from me as well to provide him with some fuel. Let’s pretend I haven’t heard him.

“Yes the guy at the garage, Luke he is called, strapping lad, so pleasant. He always tells me that my hair is looking nice or that I smell gorgeous. He fair makes my day.”

“Yes well he can’t be too bright though can he if he is working in a garage.”

Malcolm doesn’t say it as a question but it’s a statement. He is losing control; the fury is coming. His comment had a dual purpose. You see, his mid-range function provides him with some weaponry in that regard. He wanted to cut down my comment in order to provoke a reaction from me but also by stating that Luke is not very bright he is undermining the compliments that Luke has sent my way. He’s a little bit clever with it you see.

“Oh, he just works there in between his studies. He is going to be an architect, he wants to show me some of his designs, I think I might do that.”

Let’s push it a little more. You can see Malcolm’s face is now set in a frown. He doesn’t like it at all that I am not giving him any fuel and moreover by fawning over Luke I am implicitly criticising Malcolm, at least in his mind that is the case.

Malcolm won’t respond in an outwardly aggressive manner. It’s there is he is really pushed, if he feels cornered in some way or has a frantic need for fuel then the fury will erupt as heated fury and he will lash out. He can only keep the fury under control for a short while. The Lesser can barely do so. The Greater can and will or will not, dependent on how the Greater has calculated whether the unleashing of the fury will provide him with the greatest return at that instant. Malcolm is caught between the two. He can exert some control but not enough to really deliver and savage aggression is rarer with him. Watch now and see how his ignited fury manifests.

Do you see? He has snatched up his ‘phone and rings one of his secondary sources. He knows he does not like this feeling of being ignored and he knows that to deal with it he needs attention from somewhere else. He does not know it as fuel of course, only that when this happens, if I, his primary source, is letting him down, he has to either up his game with me and/or draw attention from somewhere else.

“Hi Janice, just wondering if you were still on for lunch today?”

There’s no arranged lunch but he knows that Janice likes him, he makes sure that this remains the case and she is usually available. Notice the sideways glance to ensure I have heard him. There are not the bold assertive moves of the Lesser (through instinct) or the Greater (through calculation) but the wary steps that are the hallmark of the Mid-Range Narcissist.

Janice is cooing down the ‘phone and he feels better already but he also wants a reaction from me.

“Who are you calling?” I ask in a loud voice.

“Yes I thought so too Janice, thanks for saying that, I appreciate that.” He is ignoring me. I repeat the question but there is no response as he continues to talk into the ‘phone and lap up the fuel from Janice whilst enjoying my irked expression. This is a silent treatment from him as he refuses to acknowledge me. The Mid-Range uses the silent treatment more than any other cadre of narcissist because the Mid-Range is a creature who is passive-aggressive. The Lesser uses them, of course he does, but they tend to be short-lived. The Lesser will storm out of the house and disappear to a friend or a bar for an afternoon. The Greater will organise the silent treatment and apply it for maximum effect, it will not be a knee jerk reaction. The Greater will apply them for a long time as well but does not use them as often as then Mid-Range. The silent treatment is the main method of manipulation for the Mid-Range Narcissist. This is because it allows him to exert control, it can be used whilst preserving the façade (there won’t be a sudden eruption and storming away with slammed doors and cries of “You’ll never see me again”) but rather he will quietly depart for a period of time, or more likely use the present silent treatment. The Mid-Range is a sulker. He has enough control to sit and say nothing to you and drink up the fuel as you keep badgering him. He can sit and sulk for hours, days if need be. He can breeze around the house as if you aren’t there. Yes, Malcolm the Mid-Range Narcissist revels in the effect of his silent treatments and his dual approach here is providing dividends for him.

I walk over to him and stand in front of him, hands on hips. He sees the gesture and this fuels him further but to the victim it is as if I am not there. He just looks through me. Again this is some of the discipline that I afforded to him by virtue of being Mid-Range.

He ends the call and walks off ignoring my comments as they drift fuel-filled through the air to him. He won’t shout back (he rarely does) he knows it is more effective to sulk and also then the neighbours won’t hear so he remains seen as pleasant, good neighbour Malcolm. He will probably head next door and hide there with Margaret for a couple of hours. He is good at cultivating a wide range of fuel sources. The Lesser keeps his circles tighter, lacking the discipline to operate too many fuel lines. The Greater of course has hundreds of fuel lines because he can draw them in through his outlandish greatness, his achievements and golden accomplishments. The Mid-Range doesn’t shine as bright but he has charm and ability which he uses to develop many different fuel sources and he can always rely on them. He does not have a high turn-over, keeping many of them in the golden period for years. The Mid-Range is most likely to have long-standing friends going years back. The Lesser and Greater may have as well, but not in the same number of the length of time as the Mid-Range.

So, Malcolm will be away giving me the silent treatment as he draws fuel from Margaret and then Janice. He knows how his silent treatment affects me and that is why he also uses it so often. Oh well, that’s my day spoiled already and he knows it. I suppose I had better go and fill up the car with fuel. I know a good garage and a sympathetic ear to hear my woes.

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70 thoughts on “The Mid-Range”

  1. Another cousin HG? I love the way you are guiding us through this! I understand now how some narcs can have certain traits of other narcs! For example I thought my ex ( who just left here by the way) was a lesser, which I’m sure he is. But he used the silent treatment often like the mid range. Thank you so much HG! I couldn’t do this with out you!!! Xxx 😘

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    1. No not a cousin this time Fool me. Thank you for you compliment. Yes, a narc may be on the cusp of two schools but overall lean more to one than another as you describe.

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  2. Well, sounds like “my”Malcom in the middle range. Passive aggressive, a sulker indeed and the King of the silent treatment. He also preserved appliances for years for further usuage, retained long term friends as part of the facade. Mind You many a silent treatment was preceded by the proverbial door slam and slew of curse words.

    Yes, “Malcom” tried to manage the facade, but the jealousy and preceived criticism to his Self esteem would rise from within him. And viola the reveal.

    HG, what about socially, does the mid range depending on which class they are, are they more active socially, whereas some prefer to engage in solitary activities, spend time with their primary source and few close friends? What say you, of alcohol usuage….is it more predominant in a certain cadre?
    Excellent article, I saw many similarities to the CN. Next up, Gabriel the Greater? I have my own choice name for him though.

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    1. I don’t relate it to social class, although if there was empirical evidence ever obtained I am sure that a distinct pattern would emerge. The social element varies in terms of the depth and frequency. In broad terms lesser have tighter social circles with whom they repeatedly socialise, mid-range have a wide social group and whilst they will socialise they only do so within clusters with the spectrum of their social group eg see one set of a friends once a month, another set say work colleagues every Thursday, golfing friends once a month etc, it all adds up but across different groupings. Greaters draw larger groups at one time with frequent socialising – e.g. hosting a dinner party, throwing a BBQ, taking a group to a concert etc, frequent and wide exposure. As with all of these there is “bleeding” between the groups.

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      1. Yes, this is great, thank HG. He fits in that dynamic socially,as you described. Recall he used Introversion as way to explain his limited social interactions, but it was most likely just part of his operating system. He uses the same as excuse for my silent treatments. Passive aggressive technique, shutting off communication for me. Radio silence as he called it.

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      2. Missy….stressy….my ex was a “D” and would call it radio silence….coincidental? It’d be hilarious to find out was same guy. Here’s a give away….He is a pilot.

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      3. Or is he? Mine wrote software for fun. Also was an Engineer. Now I find he is posting videos of his escapades on Internet and making money that way. Made $24,000 off some girl giving him head in a hotel room. Didn’t show his face, she has no idea and he laughs. Then asks me if I got any video from us. Uh not that I know of, fucker. Don’t get any ideas HG, just keep making money off of books. Or are you a porn king?

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      4. Excuse the delay in answering ABB I have been busy. First I had to compose some incidental music for a little film I have in production, some wah wah guitar licks and plinkety plonk piano together. Then I had some lines to learn, “Hello I’ve come to fix the boiler. My, it is hot in here isn’t it? Shall we take our clothes off?” Think I have nailed it.

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      5. Bow chicka bow bow. Written, composed, arranged, produced and starring HG Tudor. Narcissist Pictures presents….see email I sent you last night…lol

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      6. He did software as well but as part of his profession. Sadly, could see him making those videos….luckily he has none of me. My ex MN did, he ensured I nevr made that mistake again…he posted them as revenge as well. That was last time I trusted that way….thinking such intimate things would remain private.
        HG is far too respectful to stoop to such lesser level tactics…

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      7. Why did you originally say he was a pilot? I just noticed you changed your name. These N’s will not be the same man. Mine is English, not American.

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      8. He is a private pilot now. When we were together he was lead engineer on stealth bomber program. Writes software and apps for fun. Pilot when I was with him for fun. Now makes great money flying private jet. works like max 10 days a month. Lives with wife in vegas, unlimited fuel in Vegas, California, Cabo, st. Martaan, Florida, New York, London, Paris. Great profession for greater narc. Major cities so hookers, email Internet at hotels, employer pays for him to stay at resorts they own. Can film in room. HG u getting your pilots license online? Yes, why didn’t you think of that? And I wanted to get hoovered? I’m effen brainwashed. But he has a HUGE talent! Thank goodness HG talked me out of it….now let’s see if HG can talk me into something or out of something else….oh, repairman is here. Be right back.

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      9. Yes, a successful man is not always a kind, decent man. So, I for one am glad you didn’t fall into bed with him through hoovering.
        You are lucky to have a good thoughtful and caring man, focus in that blessing in your life. N does not deserve you.

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      10. Miss Stress, I would bet that the alcohol abuse is more prevalent in the lessers and mids, because they don’t exactly know what is wrong with them, so they are just constantly seeking to “feel better”, to soothe themselves. The greaters are much more aware of who they are, and usually self-righteous about it, thus less “depression-prone”. For my mid-ranger, he wasn’t the type of alcoholic that was a maintenance drinker, he drank once or twice a week, but in full blown excess. The front was to “have fun” and “be the life of the party”… but I know that it was to 1)self-medicate, and 2) get liquid courage for all of the behaviors would bring him attention and fuel (he was outgoing, but somewhat of an introvert). Anyway… my guess is that the incidence of substance abuse would be more likely in the lessers and mid-rangers. Grade me on this, HG! Lol!

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  3. Yep. Mid-Range. That’s the one I had. Passive-aggressive, and the silent-treatment (ignoring, disappearing, not replying, standing me up) was his frequent, signature punishment for my tiniest (unknowing) infractions of simply being a little less doting (usually due to my suspicions of his “fuel-seeking activities”, or God-forbid my OWN little life challenges like house projects or car trouble or even the common cold) right up to my major infractions of actually calling attention to his escapades and suggesting we talk. And any anger was not overt, it was only visible in glimpses… a pissy attitude, the contemptuous expression, snarky comment, the narrowing eyes (as you mentioned). And of course, as soon as I saw those, I knew that the silent treatment was coming, followed by the hunt for more alternative fuel. That’s how his current plaything was recruited… after one of these cycles happened toward the end of my tolerance. Quite an accurate depiction, there HK. Would expect nothing less from you 🙂

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    1. Thank you Sherry for Input on alcohol use. HG must have missed my question.
      It is as I thought from What you stated and my own experience. Both MN and CN had issues with alcohol. CN citing abstinence though, only previous issue. My ex who is bi polar used alcohol as well to self medicate,
      Ironically one might think a N would want to remain in Control of his faculties, knowing alcohol can loosen tongues and enhance aggressive behaviour and thusly assist with the Facade and mask slipping. Especially a Greater who has substance abuse issues, ie drug and or alcohol.

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  4. I actually felt drained from texting and talking to the Narc in my life. I asked if he wanted to join me in Sweden and it is a waiting game for his answer, but we know (therapist and I) he is not going. He doesn’t know that I moved forward in plans to meet up with others there and when I return to the States I will move forward with a new healthy interaction with a great person.
    It is a game, a ride and I am ready to just get off this bus full of Bozo’s and as long as I stay in it, my nose seems to turn more bright red and round and my feet grow. I do not like the look of a Bozo.
    Yes, “we are all Bozo’s on this bus”. Who know where that line came from?

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  5. I am a bit perplexed. I thought my ex was a mid-ranger, he isn’t adding up to the lesser or the mid-range, there’s traits of both in him but not spot on yet. I do think I know a mid-ranger in my life though, this really explains things to me. I like the style you are writing about the types of Narcs, its very useful and helps me grasp it all on a very logical level. Once again, Thank you!!

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  6. Nicely done! It’s been interesting to recently adapt to associating a silent treatment with a pause button. I always projected silence with finality because if I truly go silent with someone, I am done with no return. I have a few in my life I’ve had to do that with. JN is mid-range. I never have to worry about physical harm or that kind of maliciousness, but the ongoing hurtful silent treatments and reappearances make do much more sense reading these types of posts.

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  7. Looking back over the last 11 years I see the Lesser and the mid range traits. C seemed to change certain behaviors over the years but that could have been the result of me changing some of the ways in which I responded. What you explained in this shows C normal behavior. I am wondering how do I know which type he is ?

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  8. Thanks for yet another valuable narrative HG. It has confirmed what I suspected that several of the narcs that are flittering about me at the moment, moths to my flame, are Malcolms.

    There is Malcolm Somatic who sulks like a three year old when I rebuff his attempted hoovers.

    Also Malcolm Cerebral who has been trying to hoover me on a bi monthly basis by reminding me how much he loves me. It just took him having an affair with his previous girlfriend to work that out.

    And finally Malcolm Elite Pretender this one I’m sure is more of a Cerebral but thinks he Elite. He thinks his machinations are clever but I worked out he was a manipulator early on and have been keeping my distance ever since. I thought he’d gone for good but he reappeared a fortnight ago.

    This all from the world of online dating. I have deleted all my dating profiles since starting to read your blog…it really is a jungle out there so I need to stock my weapons arsenel if I’m ever to venture out there again!!

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  9. Hello HG,
    You truly are a godsend to me. I am trying to make sense of what I have experienced and without you sharing your expert knowledge I would still be in the dark as it were. So you DO shine light! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    I have identified my ex N as a mid range somatic. I want to know how malicious they are. I understand that they will deliberately do things they know will hurt, upset and anger in order to gain the desired negative fuel. But do they ever set out with the aim of destroying someone? Or is a victim’s breakdown just a by-product of the need for negative fuel?
    Do mid-rangers realise just how different they are to most other people? I know they feel superior to others but in terms of how they need fuel to sustain them and non-Ns do not.
    Sorry HG if you have already answered these questions before, but just as you have a thirst for fuel, I have a thirst for knowledge and understanding. Thanks to you I have replaced my addiction to my ex N with a daily fix of your writing. It is always a pleasure to read. Please don’t stop creating, educating, entertaining and illuminating!

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    1. Hello Rainbow, thank you for reading and your kind comments. The Mid-Ranger will, as you identify, do things which hurt, upset and anger in order to obtain fuel but they will not have the aim of destruction. We as a whole prefer not to destroy somebody because if we do then there is nothing to come back to and hoover somewhere down the line, when you are recovering and your own fuel levels are rising again. We will suck you to the point of being nearly dry and then allow you to recuperate as we seek fuel from another source. The breakdown that arises from this process is very much collateral damage. We want the fuel, the impact caused by how we achieve this fuel on you is regarded as a side effect. Since we feel neither guilt, remorse or compassion we are like a machine that attaches to a host and draw the fuel until it is nearly all gone. Then we detach and move elsewhere allowing your levels to rekindle. If the outcome of this attachment results in you suffering from anxiety, insomnia, stress and so many other deleterious outcomes it does not matter to us. We do not set out to make you have a break down – we set out to gain your fuel, but it is often the case that the breakdown accompanies our relentless pursuit of fuel from you. Where might destruction happen? There are three instances. The first is where a Lesser loses control and destroys the person through the ignition of his or her fury and the inability to control it. The second is where the capacity of the victim has been misgauged and they destroy themselves in order to escape what has happened to them. The third is where a Greater has deemed that there is no interest in allowing you to recuperate and have your fuel levels increase again. The Greater has written that future fuel off (indeed he will seek it from others) but he has decided that the destruction of the victim must take place as punishment. It is only the Greater of our kind who have the malice, energy and commitment to do this.
      Mid-Rangers have an awareness that they need responses and that those responses make them feel “better” they also are able to discern which responses prove better than others and they have a capacity for organising their fuel supplies in a structured way (contrast with the chaotic and knee-jerk actions of the Lesser) but they are not as overarching in their strategy as a Greater would be.

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  10. Hg I have a question. The man I was with has completely destroyed me. Manipulative, cheated, lied turned everything around on me, left me homeless at one point, we finally broke up and after 2 months he calls and sucks me back in. I stood by him through rehab and everything. I’ve been paying his cell bill and even bought him a new phone for his birthday and then he got distant and said he didn’t know what he wants anymore. So I told him I would make his decision easy and to go find someone else. He said fine and hung up. I tried texting him the next day, no response. Is this typical and is he done or going to try to suck me back in

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    1. Hello CJ, you criticised him with your comment about finding someone else. His response was to give you a silent treatment, hence the lack of response to your text. Yes this is typical. Do not try to contact him. He will try to suck you back in at some juncture. If you do not respond to his silent treatment he will look to draw fuel from you in a different way and thus will try to suck you back in. If you resist he will be forced to seek fuel from elsewhere and to leave you alone.

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  11. HG,
    Is the Greater going to be named after the “G” in your name? Did anyone else in your family write a book? Or books? Got 2 b specific otherwise u will couch an answer. 😗

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  12. Thank you HG for taking the time out of your busy schedule to provide such a detailed response to my questions. I do wonder if my Mid-Ranger ex N is out to punish me due to the following circumstances…
    My beloved (non-N) partner committed suicide last year. He was under the care of the mental health crisis team, one of whom was this N. He came to the funeral and insisted on ‘supporting’ me afterwards which turned into a campaign of seduction and love-bombing. As I was shocked and raw I was clearly a vulnerable and easy target. I was never in love with him, and made it clear I did not want a proper relationship as I was still in turmoil and grieving. Also he was married so I just saw it as a fling. The mind-blowing sex of which the Somatic of your kind are so renowned, helped to distract me from my pain. However I soon became addicted to it and felt obsessed with him, even though I knew it wasn’t real love.
    I finished the relationship after about a year, even though I had no idea what he was. I was just starting to be devalued. He would stand me up repeatedly. I realised he was lying about certain things, and when I confronted him about this and certain aspects of his behaviour he responded by putting the phone down on me. I was fed up with him and so the silent treatments only lasted a day as they did not affect me and he always was the one to re-engage. I told him I could not continue with a relationship when trust is an issue. He asked if we could remain ‘close friends’ (now I know this was a demotion to inner circle, with the possibility of promotion to intimate partner if I behaved in the way he wanted me to!). I do not have friends who I do not trust or who do not treat me with respect, and so this was a no-no for me, although I didn’t spell this out. However said I no this was not going to happen, we can’t be just friends. I finished the relationship respectfully saying that it was special at the time but I really could not see a way forward and maybe see him in another life. Now this may be rather unusual, but I actually asked for no more contact without knowing what he was! It was something inside of me telling me I did not want him anywhere near me ever again.
    I confessed all to my psychiatric nurse and he identified what this man was. I had not mentioned it before, as I felt a lot of shame that he was involved in my partner’s care (he would do home visits and I was present) and because of the age gap (he is 31 years my senior). He said he had no choice but to break client confidentiality and inform the N’s manager at the crisis team as this was an inappropriate relationship. I was worried about how the N might react to this and refused to give his name, however he was identified by the fact he was the only member of the team who attended my partner’s funeral, and he had to ask his manager’s permission to attend. When the N’s manager questioned the N about this apparently he handed in his immediate resignation. Then my window was smashed.
    I have been 4 months no contact and have stood firm in spite of 9 hoovers (thank God and HG for his book ‘Black Hole’ ! He has been working his way through the various methods). I have not directly encountered a smear campaign as we have no mutual acquaintances, him being married, although I have no doubt he has painted me as a crazy stalker who is in love with him to anyone who will listen.
    How perfect for him to have had a job with every day access to women who have already been diagnosed with mental health issues and are in crisis, they will clearly be ‘delusional’ and never believed! I have greatly damaged his respectable façade of having a caring job and as a faithful husband (although I am sure he has managed to lie in order to cover up and repair this). His manager has told my psychiatric nurse that I am welcome to contact her at any time to discuss what happened. However I have not done so yet and I am reluctant to do so. I am sure he would have maintained the façade and charmed everyone at work, and most people have no idea of how Ns operate. I am also aware that if it gets back to him somehow that I have spoken to his manager, this will give him fuel to show that he has affected me, and/ or make him furious at my treachery and make him seek revenge.
    I have caused a major cessation in his supply of fuel from work colleagues and potential vulnerable targets, so I can imagine he is furious with me. There is no way I will break No Contact, thanks to what I have learned from HG, even though he is trying everything. However I am in a dilemma as to whether to risk speaking to his manager, as because he has resigned he can use any old reason for doing so to pontential employers, rather than suspected gross misconduct. I dread to think of him working/ volunteering in a similar role. He is of retirement age and says he can afford to retire, however he did not wish to (now I know this was due to access to victims, give him respectibility due to the nature of his job, and to relieve his boredom). If there is further investigation he will no doubt have a record on his DBS check to stop him working with vulnerable people, and this will save future victims. However it will ignite his fury and surely he will seek to punish me?

    I would really appreciate your thoughts on this HG as I know you will give the most accurate prediction of his reaction. I want to save others from his clutches but I am also aware I am in a fragile state at this time.
    Also, even if I do nothing and maintain No Contact, will he seek to have his revenge and punish for me causing him to lose his job? I know you said it is the Greaters who seek to punish, but would a Mid-Ranger do this in such circumstances where there has been a significant loss in supply and damage to the façade?

    Thank you for reading. Venting my story has been very cathartic!

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    1. Hello Rainbow, thank you for sharing your situation. Not only does this exhibit a text book method of a hunting ground for one of our kind you also show an admirable application of what you have learned and now understand with regards to your situation. You need to look to your own defences. You understand what you are dealing with but remain vulnerable. You didn’t dodge the bullet but it didn’t maim you either since you got out. Your innate instinct and the fact that you managed to listen to it saved you from a worse entanglement. His targeting of you in the manner that he did is not surprising at all. He will have ensnared others in his care as well, of that I am certain. As to your dilemma in meeting with his manager and what to do. My observations are as follows:-
      1. See my answer to Fixated in respect of why it is so difficult to get those who have not experienced the full horror to understand. You will face this problem with the manager.
      2. He resigned and as you identify he will have given any old reason for doing so. He will also have charmed through his façade colleagues etc. You face an uphill battle with those people.
      3. It sounds like he was/is employed by the NHS. More than likely, since the immediate problem has ended, they will do what I call the Tidy Garden. So long as the relevant trust has its own garden nice and tidy, they will not care too much where he goes and pollutes instead. As long as he is not in their garden they do not really care. They may say that but the reality is different. Trying to get something done will prove problematic, will open up old wounds for you and ultimately you need to look to yourself.
      4. I know because you are a decent person that you will not want others to suffer in the way you have or worse. That is understandable but you are unlikely to succeed. If any action is taken (and it may not) it will take time, he will charm his way out of the firing line and I suspect any sanction will not be serious enough and he will be ushered towards retirement. He doesn’t work for money, he works because it is his hunting ground. If you try to have him held to account, he will come after you. He will regard your action as unwarranted (he tried to help you remember) vindicitive and you are the one who has the mental problem, not him. He will smear you, lash out at you and look to make your life seriously unpleasant. I know you will feel bad about not putting a stop to him but I doubt you actually can and trying will only harm you. Not is isn’t fair, no it isn’t just, but you need to look to yourself.

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  13. Thank you for this HG! I can relate to and recognize so many of these behaviors in this post and the comments.

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  14. Thank you so much for your thoughts on my situation HG. Please can you point me in the direction of where to find your answer to Fixated (the first observation you made)

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  15. I believe the N in my life might have been a mid-range as well. Like mlaclarece, I never had to worry about being physically harmed either. But the silent treatments and vanishing acts were awful. Especially after a wonderful weekend together, or a few days or a week of deliciously sexy texting. Then to be met with indifference or coldness whenever I expressed a need, or if I asked for clarification or even just “tell me what you want” only to get led in circles. I just couldn’t understand. I know I’d interact, and mostly it would be ok, sometimes good or unpleasant, occasionally great or awful, and always after I’d feel down and drained, then start to feel better, then interact again. A couple of times I even thought “I’m happier without him. That doesn’t make sense. How can that be? I can’t find a cause, an explanation.” I’ve never felt that or that cycle with anyone else. I’m still doubting myself. I knew something was wrong, I wanted to talk, negotiate, figure it out. “What can I do to make you happy?” just led to things getting worse and him getting more and more distant.

    I could see how the required level of effort to hook me would be low, so that’s probably why I got very little love bombing and mostly in words. I only ever got one physical “gift” that was used for him anyway. Any more than that just wasn’t necessary. I was (at least at one point) an intimate partner, and despite all his insistence that he wasn’t getting any other play even up until our final words, I never believed that, nor would I have cared. I’ve never been monogamous. Having a wide range of appliances set to give high bursts of energy with a long recharge time, or multiple, intense but infrequent partners, just makes sense so that he’s getting maximum fresh shiny stimulus at his required intervals. I don’t know how aware he might be or how deliberate his actions were/are. But it seems like that’s been the result, anyway.

    I guess I’m post discard now, or walked away. He kept telling me he’s had to let other girls go when they tried to ask more of him and whenever I expressed a need he told me to find someone else. He’s too carefree, too old (early 30s) and been through too much to not do whatever he wants. His words. That all sounded to me like pushing me away and telling me he was going to get rid of me anyway so I got scared and preemptively struck. In that, I kinda out of the blue one day finally texted and told him to go F himself, don’t be an a-hole to the next girl. Poked him further into an argument, then said “goodbye”. Whether he was unaware and trying to warn me because that’s what’s happened in the past or unconsciously/consciously trying to manipulate me into breaking it off so he didn’t have to, I don’t know. Either way, dead silent from that moment on. Of course I immediately apologized in text, and spent these few weeks since then first in one email begging forgiveness, then in a second begging “just tell me you’re done with me, tell me to f off, anything”, but not one word. And that is the absolute worst possible punishment he could have doled out to me.

    It sounds stupid to feel so intensely but at the time sending those it was as if he had a gun to my heart and I was begging him to pull the trigger, saying this is killing me, please just end it or put it down, tell me one way or the other. Give me some kind of confirmation, closure, haven’t I earned at least being granted that? No. For all I know the emails were just routed to the junk folder anyway while I’m beside myself torn apart. So that makes me think he’s probably written me off for good especially when he told me he’s done so with others and when I came out of left field with pretty strong words, which is entirely out of character for me. At the time I just had this instinct of kill it with fire, it’s gonna go down in flames anyway… only to immediately regret it. I would have gone about it differently if I’d known about all this stuff sooner. But I didn’t. It’s only been during this alone time afterward that I’ve found out about all this stuff and have been pouring over blogs and sites and connecting all kinds of dots. There has been so much stress relieved from just that. Just understanding even a little bit. I feel so much better.

    So perhaps I should be thankful he’s ignored me. It’s what got me looking around in the first place, actually. I wasn’t getting answers or any kind of feedback from him so I had to seek it out somewhere else. If he hadn’t waited this long I’d still be blundering in the darkness of my own discarded shell, depleted of its light and warmth down to a tiny, useless, ember. But now I found a light to help me find my way, and help dodge the traps that were laid in my head and heart while I was distracted. Reading some of these other comments, I think he was actually really benign. It was all mostly mental. Nothing financial or material objects or alcohol or physical abuse, or kids, none of that. Even more so a reason to be thankful. I’m actually not even mad at him.

    Truthfully I don’t feel like I deserve his forgiveness. I pretty much went no contact before reading about it, not to shut him out but instead cutting myself off most things because I knew I would keep trying and I was scared of bothering him. It’s been a struggle, and now I even find myself questioning, maybe he wasn’t a N. Wait, maybe I’m the N? Am I trying to hoover? But if as you say in Chained, co-dependents are stunted Ns, then maybe there’s some truth to that.

    There have been definite moments of wanting to be recognized as His so I could more easily turn away other people, since I have so much trouble saying no. It makes me feel vulnerable because now that I’m “free” on the market, so to speak, other men that I had been turning away up to this point are trying to get at me and I don’t want them and they won’t take my no for an answer. One of them even straight up said as much. So it’s just a matter of releasing myself (metaphorically) rather than hoping he’ll release me, completing the task of severing ties, and then I guess also going no contact with those dudes because they’re probably narcissists as well. Or at least that one.

    Yep. Sure. No problem.

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    1. Hello Lily, thank you for sharing your experience which I read with interest. Your questions and doubts are entirely representative of the position you have found yourself in. You are trying to do the Hamlet which is understandable but just like that Prince of Denmark, such a route leads only to tragedy.

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      1. Thank you for reading and replying. I don’t understand “doing the Hamlet”. Asking am I dead or not, the whole “To be or not to be” soliloquy? Long ass flowery post? I imagine some new wacky dance craze with the performers wearing tights and puffy pants. But that’s just me always trying to find humor/happiness/whatever, you’re right of course it’ll only lead to tragedy to continue dwelling on it. I reached out to old friends and family members and am reconnecting. Just that little bit is already starting to help me feel stronger and re-centered. Beginning my recharge.

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      2. Ha ha some good guesses Lilly. I referenced it in terms of cutting yourself off from people. That is what Hamlet did. He cut people off and built a wall around himself. Still, if you find out your uncle bumped off your dad and then slipped a crippler to your mum before dad was in the ground, you would probably respond in the same way.

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    2. Wow, so similar to me and my story. So similar; I read with great interest. I’m trying to break off with my sociopath/narc but it’s like giving up an addiction: “just tell me you’re done with me, tell me to f off, anything”, but not one word. And that is the absolute worst possible punishment he could have doled out to me.” I could so relate to that 🙁 It is so fucked up. I do wonder if I’m a stunted-narc, because I’m certainly seeing my codependence now, in this situation. I almost want to drive him crazy, because of how he’s driven me crazy, let me down, shortchanged me, ignored me, given me the silent treatment, not been there when I’ve needed him, lied to me, never answered my questions with a REAL answer. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, it’s invaluable.

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  16. Aha, I have now found your reply to Fixated. I appreciate your detailed response, thank you HG. I am taking some time to digest all that you have written…
    .

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  17. Thank you HG, yes I am aware that I have had a very lucky escape and got off lightly. A combination of listening to my instincts and acting accordingly, and someone else recognising his behaviour and correctly identifying what he is. Then my hours of research where I stumbled across your blog and your books which have been pivotal in my understanding of your kind. I wouldn’t be in such a position had I not found you. Even specialists and experts in this field do not fully grasp how your kind operate. I have no doubt the doctors involved in ‘treating’ you are absolutely fascinated with the way your mind works and the nature of your machinations. This is surely the first time that such an opportunity has arisen for understanding your kind’s perception, as you are a rare exception who is completely self-aware and also able to articulate your thought processes so honestly, clearly and vividly. It is understandable therefore that anyone who has not read your work will have no chance of understanding what a victim of your kind has endured, unless, as you have so rightly pointed out, they have experienced such an entanglement themselves. It is also near on impossible to conceive that there are those out there who see people as tools to be used, toys to be played with, or obstacles to be crushed. Therefore I am so fortunate to have had a response to my dilemma from the Master himself! Expressing my situation here, where I know I will be understood by you and the other others reading, has been enormously therapeutic for me. Your answer resonates with me on an intuitive level. I do see that to take any action would be an uphill battle and result in chaos and punishment for me, when more than anything at this time I need peace and time to heal. Even though I escaped when I did, all this has had a considerable impact on me. I can’t imagine the damage caused to those who have been entangled in the cycle for years, with no idea what they were dealing with, and how could they know? I have insomnia and I have shut off all emotion. It is like my soul has been sucked out of me. I have some insight now of what it is like for you to have no feelings of love, empathy or compassion, as at this time I feel nothing at all. Just like a robot (at least I’m a useless appliance to Ns!). I don’t know where I have gone to and whether I will return at all.

    I will take your wise advice and look to myself (wherever that is).
    I will keep my head down to keep out of his sphere of influence, and continue to weather the hoovers. I wonder if he has ever encountered such a stubborn and resistant appliance, one who escaped and will not give any response whatsoever! He is running out of hoover tactics. Hopefully the smashed window has relieved some of his fury and he is busy fuelling himself elsewhere. This station has dried up.

    You correctly identified he works in the NHS. It is like having a shark in charge of a swimming pool. Plenty of vulnerable ‘crazy’ women ripe for easy gaslighting and who would never be believed or taken seriously. I am coming to accept there is no point in talking to his manager. He has surely always had her on side so he can get away with things at work. As she is a woman it is not beyond the realms of possibility she is unknowingly part of his harem. He did mention that he used to have lunch with her and that she thought a lot of him, which I now know is triangulation. Also if she is one of his intimate partners then the resulting negative fuel from her finding out he has been intimate with me would be delicious for him. Maybe she is dying to know exactly what occured between us, as his resignation in itself is surely an admission that something did happen, otherwise he would have challenged it. That is not to say he has come up with a plausible and charming reason for the accusation. I am going to stay well out of the situation. I have now come to terms with the fact that whether he works somewhere else/ volunteers/ retires/ spends his time down the pub, he will always find suitable targets.

    I will continue to absorb your writing HG, I can’t thank you enough for enlightening us all with such precious information. You say you have been called ‘satanic’ and other such names by those who have been on the receiving end of your quest for fuel. I think ‘Lucifer’ is more appropriate, as yes you are a dark soul, but it means ‘bringing light’. And although this is not conveyed with the usual negative fuel attached to it, it is laced with positive fuel of great admiration for your talents and with much respect for how you are using them. Those doctors are extremely fortunate to gain understanding of your kind from you. I do hope you gain something groundbreaking for yourself from attending the sessions, other than the securing of your inheritance.

    Thank you HG.

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    1. Thank you Rainbow I enjoyed reading your comment. With the additional information that you have provided concerning the lady manager I suspect that he has her charmed and may well have engaged in a liaison with her as well which means she is unlikely to act on what you would tell her and probably has her own agenda for wanting to speak to you. It is evident to me that you have absorbed and applied what you have read and learned in a commendable fashion as you move forward through the emotional sea. I suspect that your dinghy is now more akin to a small liner. Watch out for those large waves and rolling seas.
      You are right that he will always find his targets, he will smear you to them, they will be in his thrall and the cycle will continue. It always does.
      If you engage with us on our terms you can never win. Ever.
      If you engage with knowledge, understanding and logic, you change the terms and you will secure your withdrawal although we will not be defeated.
      If you choose not to engage at all, we neither lose nor win, but you secure your platform for moving forward. That is the most notable step and the most important on your onward journey.
      Lucifer it is then!

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    2. Rainbow, what you just wrote was very articulate and praising of HG! Although he is extremely wonderful and we all including myself owe him so much! You can not forget that HG is giving you the tools to understand and heal, but it is you doing all the work! By listening, reading, and doing, you are away from that abusive individual! Keep going and do not look back!!! As for HG and his inheritance, I am sure that is why he started this venture! But in my heart I do not believe that is the reason he continues!! Much love and respect to you Rainbow! And you also HG! I know your there, your everywhere!! Xxx ⚽️ Soccer ! Lol

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  18. Thanks for your encouraging comment Fool me 1 time, you sound like a cheerleader! It’s wonderful that we can all get understanding and support from each other here. It really is a stormy sea and long voyage to recovery, I hope you can see the shore from where you are, and that you are keeping on course.
    How fortunate we all are to have HG as our coach! Although we can never win this game, he has taught us to know our opponent and the tactics involved to cause the least injury. I have chosen to sit this particular game out on the bench.
    As much as I respect and admire HG and he is my Prince of Darkness, bringer of light, I would certainly not wish to encounter him in the flesh!
    He has taught me too well…
    I do hope that he is getting more out of his sessions with the doctors and this blog than he ever imagined. Perhaps one day he might even share any unexpected outcomes from his experience with us. You clearly have many adoring fans here HG, and quite rightly so! May your empire of enlightenment continue swiftly on its course of world domination…

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  19. I started out knowing this was about discarding everything I had and I worked on that – painful and exhausting work, clearing emotions, beliefs and attachments with constant questioning, always pushing onwards to find the answers until I got to the point now where I have no more questions.
    That should be “job done”, shouldn’t it? No more questions. I don’t even have any questions on this situation I find myself in today. It’s the end of seeking apparently but it turns out it is not the end. For all my discarding, I have managed to accumulate a new lot of baggage from the seeking. Every question I ever asked, got answered and brought me here and yet it’s those answers now which stand in the way of going further.

    It’s like I am a plane which set out on a long journey with a full tank of fuel. The fuel got burned off on the way and I reached the destination. I’m ready to land but the control tower has other ideas and has put me in a holding pattern circling the runway.
    It says that no one lands at this destination with anything on board and while my fuel tank may be nearly empty, I am still full of passengers and baggage. I don’t have enough fuel to turn around and go back. To land I need to kick all the passengers and baggage off the plane. Now the baggage may be easy ….but the passengers? And if I don’t kick them off, then I am going to run out of fuel and crash anyway.
    So what is seeking? Pointless.

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    1. Interesting analogy Entertainment, tell me how do the answers stand in the way of going further. I felt little shudder when I read the words, ” I don’t have enough fuel”.

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      1. I knowing all this about Narcs/ Social paths. With realisation/awakening and I am still asleep; stuck somewhere mid air. Do I seek revenge? Knowing there’s no real revenge. Do, I move on in fear? with little expectations of having a happily ever after because of my inability to trust and will suspect everyone of being this type. In this case too much knowledge can be an hindrance to living a healthy lifestyle.

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  20. Thank you, HG. N2 is much of this post. I wouldn’t say to him that so and so complimented me…the compliments would come out at a party or grocery store or where-ever and I would cringe. He would do the phone call thing to a girl…shortly after. I had silent treatment from someone who may or may not be a parent growing up. It didn’t work much when he tried. I had protection from both so it didn’t matter

    I guess I’m confused again. He was (and likely is) so calculating. I’m now wondering if he might be on a cusp of a mid to greater. Looking forward to your post on greaters.

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  21. Yes, after reading this, and several of your other posts, I feel nearer to believing that the first one I was with was a Lesser, and the second one, whom I met offline, was a Mid-Range. I have also thought the second one to be a Vulnerable Narcissist, as well, but upon thinking it out now and then, I am beginning to wonder if the “Vulnerability” was just an act for fuel, and that he wasn’t a Vulnerable Narc at all, but rather a Mid-Range, Covert Narcissist…possibly along with Cerebral, as opposed to Somatic. Intimate talk seemed to make him angry and even scare him much of the time, except for those exceptions where he appeared to be very amorous in very explicit ways, all via of Messenger, Email, and Videos. Yet, when he’d be on Facebook, in public, he wanted everyone to believe that it was, I, who was after him, and that he was just “putting up” with me. Yet, off of Facebook, he acted like he was so very much in-love with me and claimed he would “die” without me in his life. My head is still spinning from all the contradictions, head-games, baiting, antagonizing, smearing, ETC, ETC…. Ummm, are you a Greater Narcissist, yourself? Due to your insight, I cannot imagine you being anything less than such.
    Tamara

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    1. Greater Elite. Bear in mind that all narcissists use the concept of being a victim to gain what they want. The Victim Narcissist goes further and that is what distinguishes him or her from the other cadres of narcissist who just use pity plays and playing the victim as part of their manipulations rather than being a way of life.

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      1. Thank you very much, Greater Elite 🙂 Yes, he was a chronic victim and used the same “victim act” in smearing me, and also in LoveBombing me, and Devaluing me, as well. Most everything we ever talked about was to do with his being a victim of something, and someone, constantly, in his life. I am terribly sorry for any trauma he truly did experience in life, as I do not know the truth, and I feel for everyone who has a life of trauma, as many people in this world sadly do. But, the difference is that he used his victim mentality to bait, hook, gaslight, triangulate, manipulate, and falsely smear me.

        I am not merely saying this because you are a Narcissist, (as I know that it would be true for you whether I said this, or not, but I do admire you for getting therapy, and in turn “helping others” to see more clearly through the murky lens of Narcissist abuse.

        I wish to keep my eyes open to the upcoming release of your book concerning the Vulnerable Narcissist. I will purchase it through Amazon, most likely.

        Thank you for your time and your replies,

        Tamara
        http://www.miracayblog.wordpress.com
        http://www.yancoskytamarablog.wordpress.com

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  22. Not sure which my ex was. I see more evidence of the lesser, though he was incredibly passive aggressive. I saw *lots* of silent treatments though I didn’t realize that’s what they were. I always got the excuse “I’ve been so busy.” When I said surely you have time to respond to a quick hi he would get angry.

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