Going Nowhere

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How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explain how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us; some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again. I know that you will stay. Again.

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61 thoughts on “Going Nowhere”

  1. There comes a moment where we do walk away even if we stayed 100 times. I see it from the readers .. Some state 20 years, 25 years.,.
    Somewhen the force and the understanding is there ..

  2. Hi HG, if everyone detach I mean truly detach from the “emotional” sea, would it not be a better freedom retreat? -yours truly.

    1. You cannot detach from the emotional sea, you have to cross it. Swimming will not work. You will drown. You need a vessel, a vessel forged from logic and understanding that will withstand the tempest,the storms, the tidal waves and tsunamis. Your vessel will be broken, it will sink and you will drown but then you will aim to build a bigger vessel, a better vessel and you will repeat the process until one day you cross that sea. It may take one attempt, it may take a hundred, but it can be done even with me as the kraken waiting to wrap a tentacle around you and drag you down into the foaming emotional brine once again.

  3. Whenever my Nex got the idea that I had (almost) had enough, he would simply state that “we love each other, and we are not splitting up”. And that was that.

    I had nowhere to go, because there are children involved and my circle was small even before I met him. He simply wouldn’t leave, and I couldn’t make him go. I had no proof of his abuse, and his name was on the lease of the apartment we rented.

    This went on for years.
    Then, he got the idea to rent a small, cheap place for himself. He wanted to scam social security into providing us a double income so that he could “finally put away some money to start a business”.
    I suspect he also wanted to meet the other woman there.

    And then, then I was suddenly in control. He was no longer on the lease. And when I told him to leave, he did.

    1. Hello Kay, he created a bolthole and used it to secure the new primary source. Once she was embedded he allowed you to end it by way of a reverse discard. Note how in his mind he allowed it, you did not choose it.

      1. Well, it wasn’t as easy as I made it out to be but, in the end, that doesn’t matter. He’s gone.

  4. I felt all these things but I left and went no contact. I never gave him the satisfaction. Some days it wasn’t one day at a time but one moment at a time. Some days I thought I would never survive. I cried until I was numb and couldn’t cry anymore. I repressed feelings and thoughts. Now he has another source and I am discarded. When I saw him two weeks ago to help him he would hardly look at me. He knows it hurts me but that’s o.k. because it was only the living part and the promise of better days that kept me wanting to stay. The more he withdrawals silent treatment the further I can go. It might be with tears in my eyes but I am going still the same. Honestly I don’t think I will ever get over it but I will be free.

    1. No you may not truly get over it, that is the power of the infection but there is much you can do to drive as much out of it as possible. You are still very much adrift in the emotional sea Karen and you need to continue to build your ship of logic and understanding which will become larger and better so you cross that sea to a better place.

      1. Thank You HG. I intend to do that. The information that you provide is blessing. It helps me . After years of manipulation lies and abuse I lost my voice. I was dying inside. I didn’t understand and I blamed myself. Now I am finding my voice again. (Hugs)

    2. You have to give it time.
      When I separated from my Nex, I didn’t want to live anymore. Fast forward 10 months, and I don’t even remember why I felt that way. I am glad that I am discarded, life is great without that sourpuss.
      See if you can go “No contact”, why would you still help him anyway, he has his new supply.
      You have no idea how far you can go if you just give it time. You may need more than 10 months, you may need to find someone to talk to.
      But try to avoid seeing him. I don’t mean to avoid places where you might meet him in public, but avoid contact when it’s not needed.

    1. So, then I can assume, the simplistic and brevity of such a reply to that falsified speech to garner more time to reap fuel, would not please the Narcissist?
      To give such a speech which the narcissist deems to be utterly convincing to achieve his goal and the other person, simply looks at them in the eyes and says, one word…Good-bye ….then proceeds to walk away.
      What will the Narcissist do next, seethe? Stand there? Go after her? Plan revenge, after seeking secondary source fuel to seal wound created?
      Does that explain the one word , better, HG?

      1. Can you explain how a narcissistic would resound to a one word reply? What would he be thinking or feeling, et cetera….thanks HG.

      2. I posted a reply earlier on it, explaining what would you feel or any N, for that matter. If you gave that speech and all you received back was …goodbye and she left your space?

      3. I not not confused at all, the speech in your article asking her to stay……what if she simply said goodbye and nothing else….that was my question?

      4. “I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

        The short speech is delivered with true brilliance

      5. Thank you HG… for that nicely demonstrates my question. He would react critically. Role play, is equally beneficial to demonstrate response. You are brilliant in your approach.

      6. I do not wish to argue the point, I was only referring to my question regarding one word responses and narcisisistic wounding or rage. You were most helpful, even without answering my question.

      7. I tend to argue my point, but the method was such a useful approach. Well done HG. One word responses seethe the narcissist , when they are seeking a more affirming response.

      8. Well narcisisists as you say are economical, so if she replied with one word only …such as with goodbye, it would be seen as a criticism? As the aim is for her to fall into his arms again.

      9. ĆN emailed me, I will avoid reply….but I did wonder, if I used that approach. If he would disappear again? I want to do it. But. I will ignore his email.

      10. I concur with ignoring the e-mail, that is the better course. A curt response of “goodbye” would be effective in a face to face scenario, but the e-mail is like a landing party. It seeks to garner a response so that more will follow.

      11. Yes, excellent point, it won’t have same effect. Okay, no reply. He is seeking acceptance, it is always the same. Yet always in past I would reply. My non reply will wound plenty. As I nevr delay in a reply, I always reply as soon as I get a message. Plus, I gave nothing more to say to him, I only replied back I march to get answers. I dont care now, with what I know.

      12. HG! Reminds me one time on return of silent treatment he sent me an email, I replied with a blank email….you know what he did…guess?

  5. HG thank you! I told him no tonight for the first time ever. 20 minutes later he was knocking at my door. I sat very still and waited him out. He left and 10 minutes later I got the fuck you text. I did nothing. Wtf?

    1. You did everything. Your use of the word “no” and the refusal to answer the door criticised him, ignited his fury and caused him to lash out with the text. That was an attempt to draw fuel from you to heal the wound you have caused. I take it you did not reply to the text. He will come again but you have taken a considerable step forward. Keep reading and build those defences.

  6. I know why! I have HG’s blog to keep me busy for now. Again another win for me………….and HG.

    1. HAHAHAAAAAA very good distraction and busyness are important very important key in this point don’t go back keep up the good work

    2. HAhahahaha very good distraction and busyness are important very important key in this point don’t go back keep up the good work

  7. Zzzzzz ok if that’s what he thinks he’s seriously tripping in ketchup like we say in our country which means delusional most of this has happened to me I left I didn’t listen to his word in my ears that he needed me so…… When’s the next red sox game?????? HAHAHAAAAAA I DONT CARE

  8. NO CONTACT! Day 2. So for today I will not reach out. Please do not reach out to me as I might not be strong enough yet.
    Today I did not. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Today was a win for me.

    1. THE beginning of Day THREE of NO CONTACT!!!!! Oh the fresh air, the beautiful sunshine. Conversations without untruths entwined. The joy of communication between healthy minded people. This we crave.

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