I Could Not Love You More


Image result for picture of woman on a pedestal


I have always adored you. It is true. You did not realise it. How could you? I kept my adoration confined to something distant and something remote, always living in hope that one day I would be able to pour my adoration all over you. How long has this condition lasted for? I would suggest over ten years. Yes, that long. It was when you first joined the company. We worked in separate departments but I saw you arrive one day and from that moment I felt this adoration for you. It was strong and powerful and flowed from deep inside of me. I knew in an instant what it was and I just knew that I had to provide it to you. I had no idea when that opportunity might arise, when I might be in a position to furnish you with this potent and unending adoration. You did not know this but I managed to copy your photograph off the company website and I would lie on my bed or sit in a chair and stare at your picture wondering when I would be able to provide you with what you deserve. I contemplated listening to you lying beside me and whispering my name, the sensation of your hand in mine, the delight in sharing experiences. This adoration has remained, churning and growing inside of me. I have sustained it and nurture it for all this time. That surely shows just how powerful it is and just how special you are to me. Yes, I know you had no idea. How could you? I kept it to myself as I wanted to save it all for you. Of course there have been others during those ten years but they were just practice for when I would be able to provide that adoration for you. I was fond of those supposedly significant others but let’s not you nor I delude ourselves; they came nowhere close to evoking the adoration that I have for you. I was not surprised. I understood that from the instant I laid eyes on you that you were the one. I could not make my move though until I had tested myself. You see, I had been let down so many times before. I thought I knew and understood what true adoration was. I had been deceived by imposters and found that they promised much yet delivered so little. I did not doubt you but I had to be sure. Accordingly, I kept my distance, adoring you from afar and pushing my resistance. Each day that passed where I denied myself the chance to give you my adoration was another day where I tested whether that adoration would remain intact and it was. I came through the test. I asked many questions of myself and I found that I was not wanting. This time was the reality. This was true and honest adoration, nothing more and nothing less. I realised as the months became years that the longer I waited the surer I would become and moreover, like a grand whisky maturing, the longer I waited then the more powerful this adoration would be. I understood that to allow this adoration to grow and build, to test it, to determine whether it had any boundaries and shortcomings would ultimately mean that I would be able to dispense adoration like nobody else could ever do so. I could give you what you deserved and in return you would provide me with what I wanted and needed.

This may seem strange but there almost came a point when I thought that perhaps I would never provide this adoration for you. I wondered and considered whether I would be better served by keeping it within myself. Locking my adoration away as I always wondered whether it would come undone after another day of waiting and testing, but then I realised that since I adored you so, I could no longer keep this adoration hidden. What person would I be if I did not provide you with the very thing which you deserved? I would be failing both you and I. Thus, that is why I made my move. There was nothing distinct which triggered this need to make my approach and provide you with this adoration. There was no catalyst other than the realisation that the time had come. There was nothing more to be gained in keeping this adoration confined to myself. I had to release it and lay it on you. I had to pour it over you, spilling over you and coating you. I needed to provide this most perfect adoration and allow you to bask in it, delight in and know that this is what I will also provide to you. How can that now be the case? I have waited so long to give this to you that there can be no outcome other than this permanent state of adoration which will allow us to become one and preserve that state of affairs forever. Ten years may seem like a long time but it is but a blink of the eye when compared to the infinite adoration I will give you and that shall keep us together. We shall not crumble, we shall not fall. I promise you this, just as promised the same to her last month and her the month before that and her the same last year.

166 thoughts on “I Could Not Love You More

  1. Heather says:

    H.G 😎 Oh my! I am still a gullible target! Ands I don’t like it! I’m being hoovere today.. Guess who’s fault all of this is!! Me oh my.. It’s more fun to listen to you amuse yourself and for once it’s NOT AT MY EXPENSE!! Sorry for that pretty gal tho. Hope one day these will be stories of your past and not your future intentions I appreciate the humor! I’m drained

  2. luckyotter says:

    Clary – no option for a reply to your last comment but any stories HG would write for children couldn’t possibly be any scarier or darker than Grimm’s fairy tales.

    1. Clary says:

      You just did without replying…. Same thing

    2. Clary says:

      I trust no one so you never know what evil crazy story hg can come up since he’s such a good writer and good with words . I’ve learned in life not to rely in anyone but God or trust blindly no matter how charming polite funny generous or gentle even if they’re being genuine because unfortunately for the rest of the kind humanity people are fickle and fall easily on the temptation of comfort and laziness not to do what’s right and the important things in life that value and count period

      1. luckyotter says:

        You’re probably wise to be wary. I’m too trusting, but people always disappoint me. With HG though, here’s what I think (HG can correct me if I’m wrong). I think he does do this for the fuel. Hell, he’s a great writer, he knows it, and also knows he can show just enough vulnerability to keep all the empaths here interested. They also are attracted to the darkness. He’s the star of his own reality show here! Of course he does it for the fuel.
        But! I don’t think that’s his only reason. I think there’s a part of him (maybe a big part?) that really does want to learn how to love and feel real emotions. So I think that motive is there too. While he’s learning from us, we learn from him, and he gets fuel too! It’s a win/win situation for everybody!

  3. Lisa says:

    I’d be interested to read about Karen and Amanda is there a post about them ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There are a few and there will be a lot more about them in the Asylum of the Grotesque.

      1. Lisa says:

        HG I’m going to re read those , why that awful title , what does it mean asylum of the grotesque ? It’s the most horrible title ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well I am not going to call it Sparkling Unicorns and Laughing Pixies am I?! Read the blog post of the same name and it will make sense to you. I rather like the title.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            Save that title for when you start writing children’s stories.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, I don’t think they would thank me.

      2. Clary says:

        Wow I love the association interesting ouch for I don’t know if you’re talking about them or yourself

      3. Clary says:

        HAHAHAAAAAA this made me laugh in order for you to understand Tudor you have to know he is real he is raw and straight forward is part of his personality

      4. Clary says:

        I don’t think they would thank you either Tudor you’re too Maquiavelic however you write that you would probably scare the children not with your perfect articulation and elocuency but with your stories us too tempting not to scare and be evil

    2. mlaclarece says:

      Look up “Caretaker” and “Voice of an Angel”.

  4. Soldmyselfshort says:

    *high five* Heather! you ARE an awesome human being. Sending positive vibes your way. πŸ™

  5. Lisa says:

    I think one of my comments questions got lost . Regardless of what you are or are not you have a talent for writing and I’m sure many other things , I hope one day they become your only talents. HG I am still struggling with the shock of all of this and the realisation that someone I was with for nearly 2 years on and off is someone with a disorder . Can you tell me your take on the following , when I was verbally breaking up with him on the phone because he was withdrawing YET again , he told me that he was scared of getting hurt AGAIN. My response was , how will you get hurt by me when you seem to feel nothing for me ? He then went into say that even the mediocre relationships can hurt when they end . So I am therefore in the mediocre category . He then said that he had never had that high feeling with me ? Why he stuck around for 2 years ? I just don’t know ? Can you translate for me what all of this means and is he telling the truth ? And does this mean I will never be hoovered ? Due to not giving highs !!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No it was waiting in moderation Lisa. It tends to be a rather crowded place these days. Thank you for your kind words.
      1. He wasn’t telling the truth.
      2. He said what he said to draw a reaction from you.
      3. You gave great fuel, that’s why you were chosen and he kept you and will continue to do so intermittently subject to the building of your defences.

      1. So Sad says:

        I wonder HG as your blog is growing at a massive rate , rightly so πŸ™‚
        Have you thought about how you will handle it ?

        In a way I feel like I’m about to loose a best friend but you doing great x

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Handle what, the blog?

          1. So Sad says:

            Yes HG . So many comments to reply to & moderate ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ah I have the advantage there So Sad. I have toiled in the dead of night, applying my dark and malevolent mind to the solution and lo behold it lives! RoboNarc HG1, programmed to moderate and reply, the future of Narc Enterprises! And guess what, he needs fuel too!

          3. So Sad says:

            Byjove HG you really are resourceful !!!

        2. nikitalondon says:

          At a massive rate. Right words. We were like 10 or a bit more in the beg. Back in sept/oct 2015.
          Way to go HG !!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you.

  6. Cody says:

    Heather, you are NOT a loser. The things that you have done for others? Don’t think those things go unnoticed or unappreciated. What, you’re a “loser” because you’re not a “captain of industry” like our friend, HG? Only the narcs of the world see empaths this way, but you well know by that they are DISORDERED. And even HG has said that while the narcs may be the CEOs of hospitals and charities, it is the EMPATHS who do the “dirty” work of helping and healing. So come here to grieve your narc and the pain he’s caused, but don’t you dare call yourself a loser again! πŸ™‚

    1. Heather says:

      Cody. Thank you for your appreciation. Truly, they all left me on the scrap pile after they were done with me or I was drained of them or set a 1st boundary!! All in the MEANEST most HORRIFYING ways they could wound me before they left like I’m not even human! Used abused abandoned. Used abused abandoned. I gotta believe I’ll come out of this grief better than when I was pouring my life into Narcissists. Your substitute appreciation is appreciated!

  7. So Sad says:

    I agree with everyone about the way you write HG BUT if someone said that to me you wouldn’t see me for dust !! lol . Like blugh , bugger orf you stalker !! πŸ™‚

  8. I am running out of synonyms to adequately describe your brilliant way with words. Soon I will quite likely run out of vowels and consonants too.

    I, too, absolutely adore you, HG.

    In honour of your magnificence, let me bestow some of my creative alliteration upon you, all of which came to me last night while sleep was evading my restless mind and body.

    You are:

    The Purveyor of Pure Panic and Pandemonium
    The Magically Mysterious Messiah of Machinations and Mayhem
    The Oracle of Ominous Omnipotence
    The Rabbi of Rabid Ramifications
    The Salacious Saviour of Souls
    The Duke of Dastardly Dark Deeds
    The Fuhrer of Formidable Fuel

    There are more, but this is just a taste for now. πŸ™‚

    1. HG Tudor says:


  9. Heather says:

    Great depiction H.G. 😎 These beautiful words iINFURIATED ME!!! WHAT A CROCK of BULL!! This is the amount of time, (plus one year) my last Narc took to “adore me from afar”!! The PATIENCE you Narcs have to WAIT, and play it like you are a respectful friend and co-worker BLOWS MY MIND!! My HEART was won over by this “adoration”!! This PATIENCE to wait til I had been driven to the brink of insanity by the LAST Narc that was abusing and torturing me!! THREE in a row!! One to another!! 32 years of doing this to wind up with a body broken down by your MIND AND HEART FUCKERY!! Each of these took me away from a house of pain to a “brighter future” that promised me love, and devotion. SAME BULLSHIT LIES!! ALL OF THEM!!! Seductive spirits!! Liars! You clearly stated this is going on with others at the same time!! FUCK YOU!! I don’t know how I am ever going to be able to trust another man or my own judgment of another mans intentions or sincerity ever again!! USERS! ABUSERS!! I have known NOTHING ELSE but to FALL for it!!! Romance and feelings that make me “tingle all over” SCARE ME BECAUSE OF YOU!! Not sure I can ever feel like that again!! I love to light up a room with my smile to make people HAPPY!! I love to laugh and joke and be sweet and kind to people!! Now I am none of those things and have none of those places to go anymore. All gone! I am unsafe to be my TRUE SELF because EVERYONE IS a STRANGER to me now!!! Why? Because you captured me with this BULLSHIT 3 TIMES over 32 years!!! Stole my life!!! My freedom! My family, My happiness!! My health!!! My ESSENCE!! I gotta walk around now looking for the boogy man to avoid because of you!! THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!! You patiently WAITED for YEARS to finally get me alone behind closed doors so you could sink your teeth into me!! You devour woman!! Chew them up and excrete them!! I was sweet, and kind to everyone around me. That just made me prey!! A fucking Narc target! FUCK YOU!! The whole time you were “adoring me from afar” you were just learning about ALL the ways you could RAPE MY JEART AND MY SOUL of everything that you “adored” about me!! You BASHED, at my virtues and values and every little thing that made me ME! You split my mind!! All just to USE as “Fuel” for your SELF!! And DESTROY BEAUTY in ME!! FUCK YOU NARCS EVERYWHERE!! Thank you for this place! Thank you for helping us unplug these FUCKERS from our POWER SUPPLY!! I am so tired of being an object with no other use.. I’m not a stepford wife model 748!!! No! Fuck your adoration

    1. Miss_stress says:

      And that is it right there, the communication of feeling and hurt, that I dare say everyone of us who can feel and honestly communicate our feelings, has felt at such betrayal.
      They are thief and what they steal May never be returned…but I am bound to replant and regrow and harvest a bounty once again, that will be for myself, not him or others like him.
      Yes , your essence was absorbed by him, it is not lost. You feel heightened in emotion from what he has done to you, you breached to the other side of self. Where you protect and heal yourself. Where you express outwardly, as I tend to push inwardly.
      It is through. Feeling, expression, learning and understanding, you move past the place you are in now. They wish Us to sit in sorrow and anger, because….it disallows us to move on and free even our minds of them. I have released the anger for myself, it is the saddness I am working on purging now. It is the unloveableness of self that consumes me. He never put it there, he just nurtured and reopened it by his final act. I now have to close it and bury it again.
      Yes, Heather, unplugged.

    2. mlaclarece says:

      Oh yes, I recognize all these emotions. On top of everything, the understanding and enlightenment adds the element of grief for the lost time, the lost and rejected person. At its peak of the anger phase all I could see was wanting revenge. It’s starting to subside. I hope you have some family (children) or close friends to maintain a support network and just immerse yourself in them for the time being. Hugs to you!

      1. Heather says:

        Thank you mlaclarece. I have a wonderful son I barely see busy with work, college and his girlfriend. And my 12 year old daughter that I never wanted to see me THIS WAY!!! My sister who was my very first bully, fought her way through the goblin city with me and came out my greatest ally! We talk on the phone each day about the things I study. We both have to tip toe through the mind fields of Narc territory. She listens and is learning . Taking the principles of boundaries and practicing them. I get my own kicks out of watching her grow and succeed. I’ve helped MANY people to grow, succeed, got them kick ass jobs, even a pass into my country.! Built people’s credit, blessed their children, housed many people until they could get on their feet. All usery. No real love. I am alone with no friends, unable to work, with no prospects of a future that I can carry on my own. A total loser in life and love. No poetic justice here that I can see.. Hence MY RAGE!! I have to believe I CAN RECOVER the things that have been stolen and not give up hope! Thank you.

    3. Heather says:

      Thank you Miss Stress. I have been screaming into black holes my whole life! I have to keep reminding myself that just because someone is blind, or closes their eyes, or is deafened by the noise in their mind that doesn’t WANT to hear me, or just WANTS to ghost me, it doesn’t make ME INVISIBLE! This place is MORE PROOF that I AM REAL. I am validated here. It’s so cool to know and be known that it ALL IS HAPPENING JUST THE WAY I not only just suspected, but perceived and EXPERIENTIALLY lived out my life in my flesh and blood body as a fellow citizen of planet earth! And in FACT it was my body that was being used; enpowered by the positive energies of MY LOVE that drove my body to be used up for all of the valuable resources that LOVE PROVIDES! So? YES! My broken body is still walking around. My mind is seeing MORE CLEARLY THANKS to H.G. 😎 My emotions are defrosting and I can FEEL again! My Bible taught me principals in parables and stories and word pictures over a life time. All but one church I have found to sit in on has been full of nuts! Narc pastors/Victim congregations. I have weeded out the phonys as far as I can see.. My friends have been preachers and teachers on t.v. and books and tapes who don’t know me (sad) who taught me in stories and word pictures while isolated at home sick and abused daily. I was fooled by many masked men. But God is NOT people and HIS WORD stands APART from people! H.G. SPEAKS my language! I am reading about MY LIFE here! I’ve been TRAPPED on the INSIDE of HELL! TORMENTED and TORTURED by these very real demons described so vividly by this gifted writer. Finally being shown the inside of the other side!! . The flip side. The inversion. The antithesis. Mirror world! I am more acquainted with darkness alone with Jesus as my only true friend and source of light and love that I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that THIS PERPETRATOR of every evil act against me is SAVING and RESCUING ALL of US?? I am a Child of the Living God! I find it wonderful and delightful and amusing that HE IS USING H.G! (A Malignant Narcissist) to bring me BACK to HIM!! !πŸ€“ ❀️ To take me away from ” THEM”!! To pull me OUT of HELL! To validate me even when he isn’t answering me! H.G. talks in terms of Devils demons God and Jesus. That is ALL I SEE!! It’s WAR!!! The DESIRE to return to my own vomit and give myself away to the guy I couldn’t stop obsessing and spiraling down into the abyss over and over just a week ago has been KILLED!! THANK YOU!!!! There is some poetic justice going on here and I am eternally grateful for this TREMENDOUS SERVICE TO JUSTICE!! All you guys ROCK the FREE WORLD!! I love you H.G!!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I know.

      2. luckyotter says:

        Your rage is healthy. Let it out, there’s no shame in it. Cry. Scream. Break stuff (just make sure it’s stuff you don’t give a damn about). Stick around here and vent all you want. We’re all here to support you. Things will get easier and the rage will subside but you will find you can keep your power source heretofore pristine and untouched–and all that power will flow back into YOU, which is where it should be.

      3. Heather says:

        Hi H.G.! I’m just curious. Did my raging at your post yesterday offend you? Or Is it fuel? Is it amusing? Annoying? Or neutral? Indifferent? Of course I’m worried I may have hurt your feelings! πŸ™‚ Then, for your sake I kinda think if I did, that might be a good thing for you! Wasn’t my intention! The thing here that you are doing for me and all these beautiful people is taking this monster apart piece by piece! One bite at a time! One thought, one feeling, one experience after another! You are helping to straighten out the file boxes of our minds. Cleaning up the mess! Shredding the lies! Putting our valuables into a safe instead of spewn all over the place! Purging the clutter! I couldnt think straight like this! It was all jumbled together in my head! I never know what you are going to bring out of me next? But thank you again and again for doing it! I could never explain this mind fuckery in a million years to a therapist that I payed and payed to understand what the HELL I’m talking about! I tried! Can’t afford that anymore. I used to tell my Narc in the golden stage that he reminded me of a beautiful shiny diamond with many facets! That I wanted to spend my life discovering each and every one. I told him during the discard phase I was wrong! It wasn’t a diamond! It is a shattered mirror! Distorted and mocking! My brain has shattered like this with each and every one I have loved. Along with my heart. You are helping me look at those pieces and see them 1 by 1 as together we are making a mosaic! Integrating all the broken pieces back into one whole work of art! It is beautiful what you are doing! Thank you for letting us bring ourselves here! I never know WHAT I’m in for when I pick up this device to read your brilliant writing! It’s ALL GOOD!! And I’m not alone in my torment anymore! 3 men never did the job of covering me and keeping me safe! You are doing that for all of us! 😘

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Heather, no you didn’t hurt my feelings. It is not so much as my feelings being hurt but rather the fury being ignited. If someone rants and raves at me it is fuel, but most of the time it is directed at the N in that person’s life rather than at me directly. It is interesting, I was travelling on the train today and a fellow passenger was stroppy (and unnecessarily so) at the stewardess. He was bouncing up and down in his seat such was the extent of his agitation and he was firing out the insults. The poor lady didn’t know where to look. I sat watching this fuel spilling and thought what a complete waste. She doesn’t want it and he is pouring it over her. I intervened and told him to mind his language, show some civility and apologies as she was only doing her job and if he wanted to discuss it further with me then he could do so at the next stop. I hoped at the time he would turn his tirade on me so I could absorb his fuel but he bottled it. Still the nervousness in his eyes, his retreat and proferred apology whilst glancing at me provided some fuel as did the effusive gratitude of the stewardess. I shall be sure to look her up again the next time I travel on that route.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            H.G. plays the hero card…tbc. lol

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You should see the other cards I have Clarece.

          3. mlaclarece says:

            Is that an offer? Haha

          4. HG Tudor says:

            My door is always open (trapdoor too).

          5. mlaclarece says:

            Ah yes Professor Tudor and his open door policy!

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha.

      4. Miss_stress says:

        Never cease to express what you feel Heather, it an avenue to healing.
        HG, is not an implement of God, he serves a different master. But, nonetheless, in serving the need of another and himself, he also manages to meet the Needs of those abused by his kind. Through imparting his own understanding of self and ways we can become victorious and unchained from deception and narcissistic abuse.
        So,we can overlook the one to reap the benefit of the other, to forge ahead in your own healing journey, while still maintaining your own faith. Knowing you are supported, validated and heard.

      5. Heather says:

        Wow! For a minute there you had me thinking you were being heroic! Til you mentioned looking her up. I will be praying she is WISE to your devices! Thanks for your reply

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Of course I was being heroic, that was the reason for the intervention. I of course will be looking her up to ensure she is well and has paid heed to my direction on the maintenance of boundaries. Tsk, what do you take me for, some kind of predatory self-centred narcissist?

    4. So Sad says:

      Such raw emotions Heather I can feel them all . I’m 18 months narc free after over 14 years .
      Given time I can tell you that things do get gradually better . Keep reading & posting here my darling , there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise you xx

      So Sad xx

      1. Heather says:

        Hi So Sad! Thank you for your encouragement! All the lights at the end of MY tunnels have been another Narc driving a train!! I’m exhausted. I am finally crying again. A lot! I was scared I may have lost my ability to feel my pain. (The #1 thing the Narcs are afraid of AND avoiding) !!! I’ve been a numbed out zombie for a while. Watching videos for 2 years. Other than that No where to turn with this reality until now. Who else would understand? I don’t know where I belong? I feel blown apart, torn apart, snd shattered into a million pieces! But I’m FACING IT AND SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!! The main things I was denied in my life consistently is my voice and my feelings and my own honest perceptions and validation of this reality. My very self has been hijacked and I’m stuck in a body I can’t count on to serve me in taking care of myself. One day at a time.. One tear at a time. One choice at a time…

        1. So Sad says:

          Hello Heather πŸ™‚ & (( hugs )) albeit virtual x

          I felt the pain behind your last post, been there, done that & worn the proverbial T shirt .

          It’s so hard to explain the emotional pain you are left with, I was a zombie too .
          I tired my hardest to cry , but I was numb . Tears are good sweetheart , they heal . You will heal .
          I know it seems impossible right now I thought the same it was like ” how can someone tell me I’m going to get better when I feel like I’m dead inside ?
          I was Just about functioning that was it .
          Let those healing tears flow, shake your fists! do whatever makes you feel a little bit better about your self .

          As you say it can only be one day at at at time , sometimes hour by hour .

          Always here if you ant to talk . I promise you that xx

          1. Heather says:

            I want to thank all you guys for your support. You are my life line right now. I was hoovered 1/2 the day today. The adrenaline is killing me. He came to get his tool box yesterday. His switch was on OFF. He flailed around nervously all over the place acting like he was busy and left! I was a quiet gray Rock. Peaceful. He’s been blowing up my phone all day with projections, blaming and shaming me with Bible scriptures. All over the place crazy without fuel. He still has heavy stuff here in my basement. I held my ground. Broke no contact tho with stated boundaries and understanding of his point of view which I told him I do not subscribe to! I took responsibility for volunteering by coming back so many times. Told him I KNEW there was a person hiding in there! That is the door that Jesus is knocking on! He’d do well to open it. Told him I’m hiding in Gods heart now and the only people that can find me now will have to go in there!! It’s been quiet the last hour. I haven’t been sleeping well.. I’m exhausted! Feels good to tell him no and that I’m glad to say NO! . And the answer is NO!! thanks all you beautiful people! Thank you my dark and mysterious angel. 😎

        2. mlaclarece says:

          It’s very difficult to read your post in that I recognize the state I was in last summer. And somewhere in this last year, I turned a corner. Not sure exactly where. Maybe H.G. has a better hanfle on that by how I question or respond. Being here definitely was the saving grace finally feeling validation. All is not ok yet, but part of the healing may be just adjusting to things not bring ok in the sense you thought. But not feeling devalued, ignored, given silent treatments, I can tell you is amazing!! Getting back to socializing with friends and planning a vacation with my daughter, feels amazing. I have a running joke with my co-worker on stressful days in the office, the gravity is measured if we are on the day-to-day plan, hour-to-hour plan, minute-to-minute plan, or if at Deafcon 5 status, the second-to-second plan. It sometimes feels like this recovering and especially following it for 32 years. The second-to-second days will slowly spread out. You do still have your 2 kids. And who made them wonderful? Huh? That was you! They still need you. Especially your daughter on the brink of the angst ridden teenage years. If you have breath, you fight.

    5. Clary says:

      I can imagine why you want to see her again Tudor she was pretty or positive fuel

  10. Lisa says:

    HG, I think it’s irrelevant what your disorder is you are a talented writer, regardless. When I was breaking up with my narc this time yet again due to him withdrawing . He then gives me what I now know to be the wedge both face to face and then via text . He said to me that he doesn’t want to get hurt ? When I then said , well you are apparently emotionless , so how can you get hurt ? He said even the mediocre relationships can hurt when they break up with you ( you can see he was a great romantic !!! ) He also said that he had never felt that high feeling with me , to which I said , why has this been going on for nearly 2 years then …. My question is since I was mediocre and didn’t give him a high feeling, will he not come back as I was not a very satisfactory victim ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You were satisfactory.
      You worked it out when you wrote – He also said that he had never felt that high feeling with me , to which I said , why has this been going on for nearly 2 years then.
      You are of course deemed to be worthless for the purpose of reconciling what he wants in his own mind.

  11. Dear Ouroboros,
    Lying in bed looking at photographs. Thinking about you. Fantasizing about you. Listening to When 2 R in Love by Prince. I’m a sucker for your words. Yes a sucker for your love. Why do you torture me so? I need you with me. To make two halves a whole. Can you feel it? I can.

    Your answer is No.
    My Dream shattered.
    Your Fuel tank filled.

    Let’s go back to the beginning you say. This time you really mean it.
    I believe you. But, it doesn’t make it stop. Until the end of time it is on and on and on…….

    1. Miss_stress says:

      Hi ABB, you have been rather quiet in the blog, your presence is missed, hope you are well?

      1. MS…..u are sooooo lovely! Working dear…be done by this coming Monday. Then I will come back to haunt the blog!!!

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Okay, ABB. Good luck with work projects..

      2. HG has me down the well.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It stays quiet or it gets the hose.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            Or lotion for its skin? Lol

        2. Miss_stress says:

          You would do well, to get thee out of there.

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    Beautiful writing. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop…and it did. Still, beautiful writing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you 1Jaded.

  13. karen519 says:

    HG You are a gifted writer.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Karen.

      1. karen519 says:

        You are most welcome HG

  14. Jessica says:

    For some one unknowing this would be flattering but unfortunately I know too well…..

  15. Elizabeth says:

    Wow. So I was correct in literally bursting out in laughter every time the victim lesser mid narcissist would tell me the story of how we met and the first time he saw me over and over and over. The funny part was that he didn’t tell the part about how smug, rude and short (as in NOT tall) I thought he was and that I wasn’t even remotely impressed by or nice to him, because that’s the part I remember.

    Great picture, on your knees narc. No matter what level they are or how wonderful they are with words, on their knees and using that mouth in a way that shuts them up for a while is when they are truly at their best.
    Now tell me the one about the epiphany you had about measuring love by how much you can hurt someone and I will show you how I can cry huge tears any time anywhere anyplace to get you back on your knees.
    Jeezzz women and men, take the sex leave the narc. Sex is sex. Enjoy the theatrics, don’t drink the purple cool aid. Sex does NOT equal love, it’s just a lot of twister with delicious brain chemicals. Just make sure your twister partner gets checked for STDs and has all their shots.

    I’m really hoping you right romance novels HG! I mean no disrespect, you are a gifted writer, and that voice. I’ve never read a romance novel but I’ll bet yours would be in high demand. Another digital venture, low overhead on audio.
    After that perhaps an audio webinar on publishing, writing and releasing your own digital books, at $200. American dollars a shot.

    Again thank you HG for so eloquently DEMONstrating just what a glorious verbal love bomb the high level narcissist can drop. There is freedom for so many in your work.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thanks for the post Elizabeth. I gain the impression that whilst the romance market is crowded no doubt there is a massive demand for them, so watch this space. Thank you for your kind compliments, they are appreciated.

    2. luckyotter says:

      I can’t help it. You are too funny. Im rolling. πŸ˜†

  16. mlaclarece says:

    Honestly, if someone told me they have adored me and followed me that intensely for 10 years (a whole decade), I would be completely creeped out and would advise him to keep adoring from a distance. I don’t do well with over the top mushy. Lump that in with poetry. I appreciate the creative writing. Genius as always. But as a real life scenario, run and hide!

  17. luckyotter says:

    I’m just parroting what everyone else has said, but HG you are a magnificent writer and should be a bestselling author. Your writing puts most professional writers to shame, it’s so good.

    I can completely understand why so many women here adore you, because your writing makes you worthy of adoration and you show just enough vulnerability to keep the empaths here wanting to nurture and heal you.

    If only your beautiful words in this post were true. But someday they will be. I know one day you will find the right one and the love will last because it will be the real thing. I have faith in you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you LO and your continuing kindness and optimism is not only indicative of your kind but appreciated as well.

      1. Clary says:

        Good luck and to be clear not just because I barely know you I don’t adore you’re find you adoring like many here I’ve been confronted by strong selfnot loving creatures therefore in immune to charm thank god but I do hold respect towards thee like anybody else I would for I respect everyone πŸ‘

    2. nikitalondon says:


    3. Cody says:


      1. Cody says:

        As excellent as your writing is, HG, my comment was not directed toward your post. But I’m sure you already know that. πŸ˜‰

      2. luckyotter says:


  18. Eowyn says:

    HG I have a question for you.

    I recently became reacquainted with a boy I knew & loved in grade school. This boy always seemed very unemotional and had empty eyes.

    We moved away when I was 11. The next time I heard about him it was in high school. He told some boy that he wanted to be a serial killer.

    I’ve been talking to this man again, both of us are in our thirties. He claims to be an introvert yet he does things that seem contrary to this. He also may have done some of the tactics you have described with me.

    He may have known something about me, very personal & not common knowledge. I did not tell him this. He would have had to ask somebody else in authority.

    My question is is it normal for a narcissist to desire to be a serial killer or even lie about such a thing or is this something even more deadly than a narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I think the best way of answering this is to state that not all narcissists are serial killers but all serial killers are narcissists or have strong narcissistic traits (e.g. being a blend of narcissistic traits and anti-social ones). A comment made in high school is not entirely indicative in itself (teenage boys are notorious fantasists and there is a world of difference between saying it and doing it) but I would certainly consider other indicators to gauge whether the individual forms a risk to other people.
      How did you become reacquainted? How often do you speak? Is it in person or not? When you say he may have done some of the tactics I describe, has he or hasn’t he and if he has which ones? In terms of “he mya have known something about me” does he or doesn’t he? When you explain he does things contrary to the claim of being an introvert, what do you mean?

      1. Eowyn says:

        The worrisome thing about the serial killer remark is that he said it during the time of Paul Bernardo. My man has always been smart & read the paper since he was a child. If this inspired him, he’d know the ugly details.

        It’s complicated. I found him on twitter. I never fell out of love with him, never been with anybody else. I was hoping, as you said, the remark was just a teenage mistake.

        He’s asked me where I live but we haven’t met in person. He lives far away, has a busy job & a partner & kid. He comes to his hometown occassionally which is closeby. We spoke every week. Here’s the thing, a lot of it is subtweets & messaging in code. It’s like a game. He likes games. At the start, I thought it was all in my head so I left last October. I couldn’t get him out of my system so I came back. In my absence, he’d been to his hometown & taken a pic of our old school. This was before he knew where I lived. One of my last tweets had been a song called Back to School.

        I learned for a fact that it wasn’t all in my head. I made my page private. It was dedicated to him, full of memories, love notes & pornography.

        First came the silent treatment. He’d ignore me. I’d have a breakdown. I’d say I was going to leave he’d turn up & everything was fine. He told me he wasn’t online but I knew that he was. Once he tweeted somebody moments after I tweeted. I had the feeling he did it to show me he had been lying & was online.

        He claims to be a feminist & into human rights but he’s made & seen me grovel, beg & apologize without telling me to stop.

        I left after he may have tried triangulation. There’s a girl whom he’s friends with but they used to be lovers. She knows stuff about my page to him. Since it’s private, he’s the only one who could have told her. On Friday I had done some silly tweet about the word whole. On Saturday this girl wrote a poem about how her & this guy were the only whole. This man knew I pay attention to this girl’s twitter & Instagram. He’d know that I’d see it.

        I became scared, hurt & left.

      2. Eowyn says:

        I’m answering your other questions right now, HG, so give me a few minutes before replying.

      3. Eowyn says:

        My mom died shortly before I reconnected with this man. This man’s dad knew about it. However, this man never mentioned it at all. No “I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing” or anything. She taught him piano. My mom & his mom were close.

        On the anniversary of when my mom went into palliative care, this man retweeted an article on palliative care & the right to die. It was about a woman starving herself. That’s what my mom tried to do. Minutes after, he subtweeted me the song You Are My Sunshine. You see, the day before had been hard for him. I subtweeted that I wanted to hug him. I subtweeted a pic from Little Miss Sunshine of a hug & said 4 some1, my nickname for him.

        How did he know about my mom? Was it a coincidence? He works for a paper.

        He says he’s an introvert & doesn’t like being noticed. He wrote an article about it once. Him being quiet was one of the reasons why I loved him. Yet he stood in line to see a film with a boom box blaring, he does tweets aimed to draw attention to himself, he walks around the office yelling about his sport teams & his attention span is short.

        Another thing that confuses me is his LinkedIn. It only lists his grade school. I wonder if he did things in high school & college that he is trying to hide.

        Last September he said the song of the summer was Jane. The lyrics to Jane are about a game, a cat & mouse game. I contacted him in the summer. In December, after the previous day subtweeting involving horoscopes & cats, he chose Jane as the song of 2015. He said that was it for his list for 2015. That was the only item on his list.

        Somehow I feel like I am the mouse & this man is the cat.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You need to be very careful with this individual. He knows more about you than you realise. He has been gathering information about you behind the scenes. He is not introverted but rather he plays to that type in order to attract you. He has targeted you and his use of the information that he has and the “coded” texts and tweets etc are a method of manipulating you. He knows you understand what he is actually saying so it affects you but to anybody else you sound like a conspiracy theorist. He is able to see refuge in the uncertain, maintain plausible deniability and in turn the more your protest “look at what he has done” the more you will appear as the crazy one. Other people will tell you that you are reading too much into his behaviour. You are not. He knows precisely what he is doing and sees you as a repeated source of fuel that he can readily manipulate. He is enlisting others to assist in this. You need to instigate No Contact forthwith and shut down all methods by which he can communicate with you since technology is going to be his favoured medium given the distance factor. He will react to your NC and will do so unfavourably and he will smear you. Read Departure Imminent, No Contact and Smeared in order to assist you. You are dealing with a calculating individual and you must immediately look to your defences. Ask any questions if you require additional clarification.

      4. Eowyn says:

        I hope the 2 too long replies answered the questions. There was one other thing. He has a review for a book. The book is about a woman that murders the men who have wronged her. My man said that everybody has moments like that. He went on to say that sometimes you think a girl is sweet and then she does something terrible and for a moment you wish she was dead. That’s probably neither here nor there but I thought I’d mention it. It sounded like he was talking from experience but then everybody probably *does* have moments like that.

        BTW my email got screwed up here. There should be a d after the 2 es. Sorry.

        Thank you for your time.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It all forms part of the manipulation.

  19. Miss_stress says:

    As an aside: the image you used for the article. I find it strikingly intoxicating. She is on a pedestal. Where we all have been when we began our dance with a Narcisisist.
    For curiousity sake, what type of relationship would A Narcissist not place her upon a pedastal? Where he would not love bomb , where there is no Golden period. I wonder about the MN compared to the CN? The approaches were vastly different, MN had a clear agenda where he fast tracked all phases and where CN interjected love bombing even throughout devaluation. MN Never gave me a silent treatment, CN did far too often. I feel CN tried to keep me on the pedastal, where MN never had me there to begin with.
    Any thoughts , HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your CN provided respite periods through devaluation which is common. There is always a placing on the pedestal because we idealise you at the outset. Of course the height of the pedestal and the period for which you remain on it before being unceremoniously knocked from it varies.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Would you say your ex-wife had the longest run on the pedestal? Hence why you married her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, Karen did, although the ex-wife was not too far behind. You may recall Clarece that progression and convenience were also factors in those nuptials.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            And yet Karen was not your Amanda?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No, but she tried her damnedest.

          3. mlaclarece says:

            Would Karen take you back still? I’ve always noticed your tone was softer in blogs or comments about her vs. the other appliances (like IT girl, Lesley). If she would, could you overlook her “treachery” to really try again? Or did she escape you rather than discard?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            She cannot take me back.

          5. mlaclarece says:

            There has also been such an ominous tone as to what state she was in past the relationship ending. It is unsettling with me.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            I can imagine you thinking so Clarece.

          7. mlaclarece says:

            Had you been excessively savage towards her?

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Towards who? Karen?

          9. mlaclarece says:


          10. HG Tudor says:

            I would not say excessive, in fact, just right.

          11. mlaclarece says:

            Hmmmmm, but she is one you have said you can no longer Hoover either.

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Correct. Why the hmmmmm?

          13. mlaclarece says:

            I think her world view and your world view on “just right” savagery may differ slightly.

          14. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed, but we both know who is right.

          15. mlaclarece says:

            Oh hush

          16. HG Tudor says:

            Are you asking for silence Clarece, I have oodles of that available…..

          17. mlaclarece says:

            Watch it…ST’s may get you a fiery paper airplane aiming at your head…

          18. HG Tudor says:


      2. Clary says:

        How many times have you been married? I thought you were a soloist no marriage for me no way I’m living life single free flower plucking God I am type of guy why did you “settle”?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Once. Fuel and residual benefits.

      3. Miss_stress says:

        Thank you for reply, HG.

      4. Fool me 1 time says:

        HG, what happen to Karen?

      5. Clary says:

        Wow ouch yeah what happened to her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You will see eventually.

  20. Miss_stress says:

    HG! Have you written poetry on here? Foolme1 time, I missed that tidbit. Can you share some of the poetry with us?

    1. Fool me 1 time says:

      No Miss! I just meant that I’m sure with his talent, HG would be able to write anything.? Ha,Ha, oh Miss. Go to sleep! Lol xx

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Lol, I misread what you wrote fool me 1 time, I do adore poetry. To clarify, I won’t be swayed and wooed by it again, though.

      2. nikitalondon says:

        He must write the most beautiful poems ever.

    2. Clary says:

      Poetry one if the lost arts right now it would be convenient for us to stay away from it for it tends to draw us back in hooverland looneytown with the aftermath and aftermarket if the damage if our abs I say this between my teeth precious narcs. Yes I’m mad I’m furious and when I’m furious I’m uncontrollable abs u pretty much can do anything won’t ever in my life hold myself responsible for the cjvsecuebces you reep what you sew. That’s life for you high minister when I say high minister in referring to my ex by talking to myself just finally getting rid of all the negative toxic emotion that is killing me abs poisoning me to the point of no existence

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Yes Clary, I have written poetry since I was twelve . So, to find a man who claims he loves me and also writes me poetry.I truly felt a soul destined connection. It was just a rouse to appeal to what appealed to me. I still adore poetry, but not HIm.

      2. Clary says:

        Hold responsible for the consequences I meant to say I guess people who read this think I speak gibberish

      3. Clary says:

        Very good miss s well done that’s how you do it people like us have tu be very protected because if out sensitivities

    3. Miss_stress says:

      I guess HG, you do not write poetry, although I sure you could if you so desired to.
      I have only written poetry for two men and given poetry to two men. Several men and relationships have Inspired poetry, but they have never seen or received such poems as they would not have appreciated the words.
      So only two men who could appreciate the love and sentiment of the words I wrote for them received them. It is not love bombing from me, it is the expression of heartfelt love and devotion. A gift. From the heart.
      For those I have written poems for, they are the few whom I have felt a deep affection and love. Both for different times and reasons.
      Poetry, for me is an outlet for expression of emotion. Mostly love, but it can be sorrow as well. This is why, when D wrote me fifty poems during our time together, I felt his love cemented in my heart. Through his words. If such expression does not resonate with you in the realm of love, it would be impossible to fathom their worth.
      Some of us, do use words for good.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I have done so. It proves quite the hook.

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Indeed. A hook…..aka lure.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Not in blighty it’s not.

          2. Miss_stress says:

            And I am not in Kansas anymore, either 😏

          3. HG Tudor says:


          4. Miss_stress says:

            I am not in Uk at present, nor am I under the illusion of the Man behind the curtain any longer …CN.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            That reads better.

          6. Miss_stress says:

            I preferred the initial statement. But, I also aim to please.

      2. Clary says:

        You are very sensitive just like me for what I see and I would definitely love to see your poetry miss s I’m also very emotional and sentimental passionate strong intense that’s why I have a lot of followers pretenders but I’m too selective although I fall in love because I’m intense and I know what true love us I’m also genuine gentle and delicate on the inside

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Yes, I am sensitive and also aware. Outside the realm of love, I can see quite well the cunning and manipulative behaviours of others at play. Being sensitive, that too saddens me.

      3. Clary says:

        Yes exactly totally agree totally feel you my dearest πŸ˜€πŸ˜„πŸ€—πŸ€” I have a question don’t get it wrong I’m just trying to be clear does your name mean you’re in stress?

        1. Miss_stress says:

          It is a double meaning, Clary, one is related to my ex N, who created a great deal of emotional distress within me. The other relates to a quote I like….
          I will have here but one Mistress, and no Master.
          Elizabeth 1 to the Earl of Leicester

          Obviously I wouldn’t spell it mistress, as that has a false connotation for my situation. But, I was thinking of it in this context as well. My CN would say he felt we were reincarnated of the two. How true, defined to never remain together in love.
          I am my own mistress, in such there is no need for. A master.

  21. Miss_stress says:

    ​I will not let thee go save thou makest me a promise that whenever I call thee, thou wilt come and sing to me…..Oscar Wilde

    That quote makes me think of the Narcissists words just to ensnare and then Hoover.
    And through his pretty words, I did sing. The CN is so magnificently adept at creating the facade of love through his words. Words captivate me and he was able to make me believe more through his words then actions that he had loved me from afar for years before we came together. That he had loved me in past lifetimes and will love me in future lifetimes.

    HG! Would it take a Narcissist that long to ensnare someone he desires? Why the long game plan?
    This would work in specific types, I am not ashamed to admit it would and did work on me. Well read, articulate men, who can express themselves with words are my ideal. We had mutual friends, I am sure one of them I formed him what would work in me, he began with the writing of poetry. He played his initial game wisely and strong.

    That was beautiful HG, despite the true Intent of the message.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Miss S. Yes he probably did use a lieutenant to ascertain what would work best for the purpose of seducing you, in fact, I regard it as a certainty.

      1. Miss_stress says:

        I figured as much, I have a good idea who , as well.

  22. Clary says:

    Exactly you could NOT HENCE NOT I GOT IT THE FIRST TIME I READ IT. I wish I was at a hotel right now vacationing from all this crap . What a load of crap

  23. Clary says:

    HAHAHAAAAAA confessions of a player wow you should write another book about this Tudor just canbe very powerful virus bit love one must not confuse love adoration abs just three different things I want a long lasting serious relationship with a mature person ready to be married not some child playing with your feelings like he’s riding a horse that won’t go nowhere and plays with our kinda yuck disgusting makes me crawl

  24. Fool me 1 time says:

    Beautiful if only it were true!

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Even if its a lie for 10 woman one per year its beautiful words.

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Very beautiful words Nikita! They would be even more beautiful if they were true. HG is certainly a gifted writer! He could write love stories, horror, poetry, I’m sure there is nothing he can not write! Have a good night. Xx

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Yes he does indeed write about everything.
          Favorite are the blog about teachinf love, red ridding hood, the 3 storms, the yatch, one about crossing the bombed lands…
          So amazing. Sleep well

    2. Clary says:

      I don’t wish it were true that ending is creepy and disgusting ugh

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Yep, the bit we never get to hear or know. Leaving us to believe it is only us, he adores.

      2. Lilly says:

        The whole thing is creepy. I would have already been backing away at the start, and have turned and ran by mid-way through.

    3. Miss_stress says:

      Exactly, Foolme1time, when my CN would say and write such for me, I believed him. I wish I could find some of the things he wrote, I still have all his poems. I suppose I believed him because I wanted to and because I do feel those things inside me.

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        I know Miss, I so wanted it all to be true! I also believed. There was no need for him to make things up or lie! I didn’t ask him too! Good night Miss xx

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Yes, Foolme1time, there was no need to lie, but in the fulfillment of their own need. They know what we will believe why they use it in us.

    4. Clary says:

      Not only that us highly disrespectful to yourself as a woman but as a person abs that myrtles is an absolute no where’s theocracy that you deserve? No no he can go to hell and take all his little demons with him including his mother abacus new fiancΓ© abs jus my beautiful white puertorican ass and take all the love I ever felt for him I don’t need it it’s disgusting and is ibtixicating but in his case he maybe nor would probably be delighted to do so but maybe not because if fuel and Hoover etcetera he’s such an ass so my answer for me for that would be no because I have dignity and value abs becayse I’m a woman if power highly feminist not to mention highly genius in the aftermath of human behavior and everything else he doesn’t fool me anymore the glass has been broken for done time now and all I feel for him is puking and repulse there I gave back all the hatred and ejection he gave me stupid moron behavior of a lesser with punishment if greatest Whivthe hell understands that? I think that’s a challenge even for Tudor definitely a sociopath narcicist with paicopata features tendencies non criminal yeah disgusting wish I could rip him out of my heart secretly is too painful the nenories the horror the damage its all not worth it

  25. nikitalondon says:

    I do adore you and I have not said it to anyone else 😍
    You are an amazing writer HG. How you put words in a way that imaginatiom just gets activated. Without any effort, just naturally.
    Im additiom to adoring you, I adore the way you write and I am not able to put in words how much your writing fascinates me or what it evokes in me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Nikita.

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Beautiful! Now only if it were true!!

    2. Clary says:

      Oh boy with all due respect

      1. nikitalondon says:

        I know I know my comments generate reactions.. Is what I feel ..
        The way he writes😍😍 independent if its true or not..

    3. Miss_stress says:

      I think we all want to feel adored by someone we love. Difference is I want to feel adored by one person. HG, by Millions. Was that an underestimation HG? As it helps fill the void he has. HG you are adored. Admired and adulated by so many for the words you write and the truths you share. Admittedly, though one will never be enough for you. So while you are the One for someone. Someone is one of many for you. It isn’t to be harsh, it is merely fact. It is how we differ. My way is not your way and your way is not mine.

      1. twinkletoes says:

        I am HG’s one of, not one in, a million πŸ˜‰

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Well stated, Twinkletoes.

    4. steeviann says:

      I think someone has a crush. How wonderful the fuel.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        ❀️❀️😍😍❀️❀️ Cant help it

    5. McCoy says:

      Nikitalonden *sigh* The picture HG painted is ALL AN ILLUSION! !!

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