Back for More

Image result for gushing oil



I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possible associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –

  1. To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
  2. To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
  3. To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.


It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at us and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.


  1. The Wish You Well

Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.



  1. The Optimist

This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?


  1. The Guilty

You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.


  1. The Navel Gazer

You are obsessed with understand who you are and regard your interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to your again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.

  1. The Healer

You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.


  1. The Nymph

You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.


  1. The Tourniquet

You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.


  1. The Old Reliable

You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.


  1. The Contender

You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.


  1. The Burning Oil Well

Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.


Do you recognise yourself in there at all?

89 thoughts on “Back for More

  1. Nina says:

    Mr H.G
    I am a little hesitatant yet for a consultation with you because I am afraid of how it would affect me psychologically as I am now starting feeling better after a story with one of your kind. I posted to your blog for first time some days but now I feel more ready to say a lot more.

    My story is big and complicated .i will share here lot of things for a start and I hope that soon I can arrange a consultation that will not be proved triggering as I am in my healing procedure.

    The relationship (about 10 years) with the narcissistic sociopath ended on August 2016 as I could not stand it any longer.

    The golden period lasted six years , long distance relationship , an affair on my part.
    I will not provide excuses here , i know well my respossibility and I accept it all.

    Neverheless , the fact is he entangled me very carefully and insidiously. He was the one and only other guy in my whole life apart feom my husband as i never looked for affairs . I loved and I continue to love my husband and children deeply and he always knew that I was very committed to them . I never lied to the N neither gave him false promises or the usual B.S of the unhappy wife. He said he could accept this with no problem or pressure on me.

    We met in a very vulnerable time of my life and after great effort on his part he ensnared me.
    Of course there have been underlying issues inside me that I was then unaware of and I can unravel now in my therapy which contributed in this long lasting dance.
    I know I had been his primary source of supply, weird given the circumstances but I am sure about it. On 2012 he committed a terrible betrayal which ended the golden period (he made up with my best friend of 20 years and they were both betraying me for monts)

    I discovered the treachery under strange circumstances (needs private condultation this). After reading your blog i am about to conclude that that he orchestrated it covertly so as to hurt me deeply without him being on the shot.

    I was cell shocked. First he denied it but after providing him with untractable proofs he admitted it and then played the card of the poor guy who was seduced by her…
    Afterwards he (pretendend ) tried to amend things by supposedly puting her out and wanting to rehabilitate our romance…..
    Shortly after she ( my supposed best friend) tried to make the affair known to my family so she could have him ! She exhibited paranoid behaviour and nobody believed her as she had always been emotionally unstable.

    So my family was not destroyed to his great dissapointment I suppose… He totally failed in this . Only now after reading your blog I concluded that he orchestrated all using her as a puppet while he remained in the backstage unscathed as the great puppet master that he is !
    Until finding your blog i thought that she had done this alone out of jealousy and despair ..but now I see things differently … I need your confirmation in this dear H.G

    At that time I was totally confused , biweldered and deeply hurt. Ok was deeply in a terrible emotional ocean full of cognitive dissonance , heartache, pain and anxiety. It was a shock, but due to the known dynamic in these relationships with everyone of your species I did not leave. In the same time I was trying hard while still in relationship to find some answers for what I was experiencing ( a super empath trait of the truth seeker that characterises me?)
    I discovered intractable truths through his phone that he had a harem of women and it was not only my friend his victim.
    So acting like Serlock holms and being an excellent clinician in my medical practice i connected the dots and i diagnosed him as high functioning narcissistic sociopath while still him being close to me ( I am proud for this H.G I must state)
    After my tragic diagnosis I have made my first big effort to escape while still loving him very much.

    I stayed away for months but unfortunately due to professional reasons total no contact was impossible ( he was one of my PhD supervisors ). On september 2013 i had to meet him.
    At this meeting he out of the blue told me that he established a new woman ( the next IPPS which was not many former best friend , she wad kept as friend with benefits in his harem).
    I wished him well without expessing emotion.
    He then asked me to go for a lunch out with his new woman! ( triangulation), which i refused of course.
    Next days he kept asking me out just to talk for my scientific work.

    Finally i accepted a dinner invitation ( i still loved him deeply you see) and there he pushed me to reveal that i diagnosed him and he proudly admitted it. He asked me to come back crying hard and confessing with great details his inner state( totally identical to your writings H.G , like you and him are the same person).

    For an evening I stayed close to him but my logic took ahead and after the temporary entanglement I refused to go back to him ( i would never be a side dish to anyone, egotistical maybe given my personal situation but this is who I am and and I never lied to him about this)

    Long story short during the next 4 years due to professional reasons ( my PHD) he hoovered in any opportunity.
    Mostly I did not respond, some times though I caved.
    In one occassion shortly after i had not appear in person to meet him for my work ( I posted some papers to him ) he paraded his new IPPS in front of a close friend of mine.
    I reacted without jealousy commenting only to him that he was being rediculous.

    The formal relationship betweem us was never resurrected although he was continually asking me to revive it (his sayings: ohh you are the only one I want to spent my life with, you are the only equal to my brain level, i adore you, i never got bored with you, you hold against me a mirror that I need because not only I am fascinated by you ,(you put me in order with your harsh observations , you are the one to me , blah ,blah).

    Of course nothing was consistent and the IPPS was always in place even though he was trying to persuade me that he was cutting her out as he knew well that I would never come second.
    His harem of IPSS was in place as well . One of his selve IPSS shortly after my first escape told me in a conversation i initiated by phone ( I had kept her number but I never knew her before) without him having no idea about, that I had been the only person in his life he had ever truly loved.
    When I told her about his betrayal she told me that she was aware or it but she insisted on persuading me to stay with him despite all.( ?!!, why this H.G??)

    Another fact I have to mention: after 3 years in the relationship he took a 3 years course to learn my language and in the 5th year he bought a house in my country.( again why??) On opposite parts of Europe we live and I have never encourage such things.

    Other facts : after me escaping ( despite my occasional short lived relapses to his hooves) he covertly and insidioudly made everything possible to undermine the completence of my PhD. I believe he wanted me to drop it ( so he would win??) He failed also in this. I carried out my scientific work totally by myself and I thrived in the end.

    Only after finding you H.G I can clearly see that he orchestrated a lot of things to hurt me ( it needs private consultation for the details)

    Spring 2017 i meet him for professional reasons again.. He tries to play me again and to gather fuel..
    I push him a little more and it is the first time he tells me that he cannot be with me even though he loves me so deeply because I am very unpredictable … so he prefers to keep the IPPS as she is predictable and easier to handle and he feels safe with her because he has no emotion towards her so no danger to get hurt by her.

    I was totally heartbroken. My stupid romantism and the love I still felt for him despite all i knew made my heart win over my mind and I showed him my vulnerability and I revealed my feelings to him.. He of course grabed the chance and he started again the lies that he would put out the IPPS and we would be together.

    My brain never believed him although my heart felt a little better.

    This started the final cycle … After a few months another devaluation took place and I could not take it any further as i could not afford losin more parts of my soul. So in August 2017 after a fight which was followed by another silent treatment from him ( the king of ST) and a terrible incident where he stood me up for something which was agreed long ago between us , I reached him , he answered and I finished all through texting .He replied that our “agentas” did not much for the time being as our lives had diverged.

    Inside me I feel l had been discarded. I loved him deeply with all my heart . So for me it was devastating to finally acknowledge that he never felt love and he never cared about me. He was just playing with me to gather his precious fuel. Your site made me see it so clearly as no clinical textbook or scientific article ( I studied a tone ) has ever made possible to see.

    I suffered from complex PTSD during a year and more after the finale.. I undertook therapy ( not medication). It was very hard and I am a very resilient person , i had accomplished a lot in my life and I have suffered great losses. But this was very very very difficult. Like I had a total emotional and mental and physical break down. I don’t know how I managed to continue to function in my highly responsible job and care for my loved ones . It had been a hell difficult bit I made it!! I survived and I reached this dry land H.G !! After all this time!
    I travelled to hell but I got determined to end this sick think and to get well and be happy again with my loved ones.
    I am doing much better know. My old me reemerges and with therapy and hard personal work I am facing my personsl issues that played under the surface in creating this dynamic between him and me.

    Five months after my ” finish” text to him , December 2017 he terminated his ST by senting flowers and a well written courteous though ambivalent card on my birthday. I did not respond anything.
    On September 2018 my sister received a Linked in invitation from my best friend ( i am not in Linked in) where she unnecessary added her new job position which is very close to him ( he placed her there becouse he is the boss)

    .. Am I right to consider this a malign Hoover that he orchestrated so as to hurt me as he knew that i was sensitive in this?? Only after reading your blog I made this connection, since then I was at confusion thinking she did it to make me jealous but it did not make sense after 6 years.. i did not react in this provocation .radio silence on my part since August 2017.

    On October 2018 by mistake while I was cleaning my Viber contacts and trying to block him by mistake i made a Viber call to him . He never responded back in any way..
    what do you think about this? I was very disappointed for this stupid mistake after 15 months no contact .Given your writings I entered in his third sphere of influence ( after my no contact I remained in 6th only) and he did not made any attempt to hover. How do you explain this?

    Well H.G if you have made it to read all this congratulations ! I hope that maybe you give some input at the overall story so I can feel more prone to a private consultation..

    Thank you for this blog .. it is very enlightening .

    I wish all the best to you.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Nina, a consultation with me will not have an adverse impact on you but rather a constructive one. I can assist with your situation and provide you with insight. It would be fragmented of me to begin to comment here on your position as time does not enable me to provide lengthy input on personal situations, that is what the consultations are for, this allows my time allocated to blog moderation to be applied across more readers consequently.

  2. twinkletoes says:

    Thank you, HG. That means a lot coming from you. 💕💋

  3. Cody says:

    This message is (mainly for) Steeviann in response to your message about your “goodbye” phone call. I know you are hurting, but look at how perfectly the narc bastard set it up. He “did the right thing” by giving you “closure”. He told you about the new date, which he KNOWS will stab you in the heart. And yet, and YET, he is already hinting that this new person has flaws he does not like. What does this do, Steeviann? I can think of two four-letter words. One is HOPE. It gives you that delicious false hope that narcs are (in)famous for! Maybe it’s not going to work out with her! Look how he’s already complaining about her drinking! This was not one of YOUR “flaws” so it’s only a matter of time before he dumps her and comes running back to you!
    You can probably figure out the other four letter word, and it is what narcs are experts at doing to your head (and heart). (Sometimes to other parts as well…)
    P.S. I think someone here called you Stevia by mistake (maybe it was autocorrect’s fault!). Wasn’t that the sugar substitute that was used to kill someone on a TV show? Too bad one hit of Steeviann can’t kill off her narc in the same way! 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Spot on Cody.

      1. Heather says:

        Eveything. It the Stevia part! It’s actually good for you. It’s a natural plant. Walter white slipped poison into it to kill Lidia! All tha other white sugar substites ARE POISON! Switch to Stevia! See? Even food from the grocery stores have to be questioned for authenticity! What looks good isn’t always what it seems. Narcissists are like Sweet and Lo!! DEADLY POISON!! I see this pattern everywhere on this planet

  4. Heather says:

    Guilty on all accounts!! Thank you Judge Tudor 🤓 for your righteous and fair assessments of my 10 violations of a happy life in the FREE WORLD!! Thank you for the mercy of the court that I can walk in accordance with this knowledge! It’s so awesome to have someone show me the mistakes, delusions pit falls and traps to keep me SAFE for a CHANGE! H.G. What a nice change from the tirades over nail clippers! This blog came right after my Narcs Hoover maneuvers today! Thank you for putting this s nightmare and these powers over me into proper perspective in my brain! It’s so sweet to hear you tell me the TRUTH over and over and breaking me out of the Narcissist spell! I could not help my heart from pounding when he broke his silence and sent a mean spirited text message. Yes. I rather enjoyed putting my foot down to any chance of coming back! And no I couldn’t help it! Just a bunch of nonsense and panic attacks because it’s fun to screw with me like that, so you tell us! I don’t like the rush of sudden fears at all. However, I countered Him wth short statements of understanding perfectly where he’s coming from but I don’t subscribe to his paradigm! 😀 Told him two can’t walk together unless they agree! And we don’t agree at all!! . Said it a few ways til he went silent again. But you are spot on again H,G!😎 Right on! And with your insight to guide us through the minefields, and out of the woods and showing us where the traps are laid I have lost the impulse and the desire and drive to persue him anymore! I wish to avoid him the way you say. All 10 You are marking the red flags! I am satisfied with you as my Narcissist! If I must have one, and I most certainly must, it seems, I choose you! I have no need to hear another lie that DECEIVES ME AGAIN!! I HATE THAT! You are making Uus Street wise in Narc Town!! Making it easier to let go! Your Hoover post swooped in like a birdy carrying A note with all I needed to know for right now! I love that! Feels very good to light up here and there for a minute! I wanted to tell you, there is a tall dark and handsome man on our t.v. show “Once Upon a Time ya know? Well, I think if I would picture you the way I see you here? , I picture you as the embodiment of THAT Captain Hook! He is a pirate that makes choices that saves people from a many perils! That show is filled with these dynamics. That hero villain reminds me of you!

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    Number 1. I couldn’t stand the thought that he might not be doing well, mixed in with guilt over the escape. Now, it’s more like I don’t wish that fire ants will crawl up his pantlegs. He is human after all.

  6. centauride12 says:

    I think 1, 2, 5 and 6 are where I would typically be. With narc #1 I was always the healer but finally gave up and he hasn’t attempted to hoover me in 15 years thank goodness.

    Narc #2 is still hoovering on a bi monthly basis but I’m hoping after reading all this I’ll be immune next time he tries.

    This article is really well timed for me HG as a narc I had a very short relationship 2 years ago contacted me yesterday out of the blue. I’ve just responded in a very casual way cos now I’m curious as to what type of hoover he might apply.

    What would your money be on HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, you are curious because you want the contact with him, that is the reality CR12. How many Ns have you been involved with?

      1. centauride12 says:

        I’ve had two serious relationships with narcs where I was the primary source and been involved in casual relationships with three others and all but my son’s father keep hoovering me…I never knew what it was till now though. I find it really difficult to just ignore them when they text even though I now know what they’re doing.

  7. Clary says:

    I feel like I’m at peace with the world

  8. Clary says:

    Like a curse

  9. Cody says:

    Clarece, you capture this so well. For me, every time G comes back is “validation” that he realizes that I’m The One, that we belong together, that he just can’t live without me. It was only after I started reading this blog that I began to see what these “hoovers” really meant. But I still cave every single time. As HG pointed out elsewhere, it is very easy to get stuck in the Heart versus Head Battle. 🙁

  10. Clary says:

    Ladies never ever u set any circumstances believe this from a narcicist is the perfect Hoover specially if you’re the melancholic personality it’s a special sweet trap were braking from they have specially designed for us it’s a blunt lie we should never believe if you don’t want to become a vampire like them trust me when you get bitten by s vampire the venom can turn you into one for whatever manners it always comes back to haunt you and make you become one like witchcraft

    1. Clary says:

      I mean this song listen to Barry manilows could it be magic on YouTube

  11. nikitalondon says:

    8.5/10 .. In the past ( in one or all relationships) but not anymore..
    Its now going to be almost 8 months. Time passes fast..
    Excellent list. I think you have them all perfectly summarized and not one missing

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Welcome. All thanks to you 🌷

      2. mlaclarece says:

        What saddens me about this, is the hoovers really aren’t meant to rekindle the relationship. Only to get attention. My biggest flaw to fix is what I’ve come to learn I do that is complimentary projection. Because for me to reach out and reconnect with someone means I reflected and made a conscious decision to win someone back in my life due to the depth of my caring about them. There are a few people who I did reject, as kindly as I could. I never looked back. If they’ve reached out, I completely ignore. I think it’s more cruel to give false hope and respond then do nothing. So I have automatically operated that when JN resurfaced for the 100th time, it is coming from a place that he realizes he deeply cares and it’s just a matter of time that things will progress in a healthy way. To know now that I would never be more than someone he’ll call on or text just for an attention fix, beyond reprehensible.

    2. Miss_stress says:

      Nikita that is wonderful, eight months with no contact with any narcissists in real life. We won’t count interactions with Hg here on the blog, as then we would all be In that same boat. Well done.xx

      You did that yourself, through informing yourself via HG books and blogs as well. But the work was all YOU.
      That is a blessing no hoovers in all that time. I am hoping when I ignored the last Hoover attempt he will give up, for now or for good. I would Never ignore him, will be a huge sign for him.

  12. Alice Newman says:

    All but nymph, though tempted at times. All with the same narc over the period of exactly one year, the last only a week ago. I lost count, but he probably broke up with me every three weeks. At first he’d come crying and begging to be back, then he could count on me to make myself the Hoover victim. I’m still reeling, but FINALLY see what was going on. Geez! NC and trying to breathe.

  13. steeviann says:

    This I will print out and read everyday. Now I am more determined to end it for life. He can not be well, end of story. It is simple as that really.
    I saw myself in nearly all of them at one stage or another of this 8 month hell. I am embarrassed at this point. I lowered my standards.

    It ends now! I am day two of no contact. I will look at it like a drug, say nicotine. I quit finally 20 years ago for life after many attempts and temporary ( a few years here and there) breaks. He is now called Marlboro. He is poison and he stinks.

    It will never be good on any level so why grace him with my brilliance. He is far beneath me and his calibar lacks.

    I appreciate this post HG……….you did it special for me……again. Whatever would I do without you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. Keep it as watchword to your heart.

      1. steeviann says:

        HG will I have to leave this forum when I feel that I have become strong enough to NO CONTACT ever again with him? Perhaps you can be the only NARC in my life moving forward. My therapist wants me to stop reading about Narcs very soon.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No you won’t. It is your choice what you decide to do. I would point out that once No Contact has been instigated it must be maintained and you will have further battles ahead even during NC which your increasing Narc Craft will be needed for.

          1. steeviann says:

            I could just cry! I actually am! This is flipping crazy! I was responding to my sons linked and I thought he was calling, bluetooth on and cell not in from of me. I even answered it with a crazy hello I do with my kids. It was the Marlboro. I didn’t hang up and of course he hurt my heart once again. He said he had a headache and wondered why and he thought that it might be because he needed to apologize to me as he knows how awful he has been for 7 months. He said he knows all I tried to do was love him and he could not accept it. All the while he was driving to meet up with another women. What a piece of work.
            I did tell him to never call again and he is now blocked. I am sick to my stomach.

          2. steeviann says:

            I failed. Not on purpose, the answering the call was by mistake. The 41 minute conversation was not. He got plenty of fuel so he could smile and be loving to the date he was going to. I get it now.

    2. Fool me 1 time says:

      You did not fail!! This is something that will take time! It won’t happen over night! Stay with the blog, read, read, read, ask questions all that you want! Someone will answer and be here for you! Steev we have all been where you are at!! It will get better! Xx💐

  14. Miss_stress says:

    I WAS everyone of these types and all at once sometimes , what does that mean HG? They all stem from loving someone, missing someone, desiring someone, questioning someone, trusting someone, needing someone, caring for someone and hurting from someone….that list is too long to continue…Pathetic, per usual?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are a supertanker of fuel Miss S and of course a prime target for our kind.

      1. Miss_stress says:

        The operative word, Was..a prime target . I have thusly removed myself from the N range.

    2. Fool me 1 time says:

      Welcome to the club Miss! Xx

      1. So Sad says:

        WAS a target Miss-stress .. I love it !! Hello Fool Me . Happy to be a member too xx

    3. Cody says:

      Not pathetic, Miss S. EMpathetic. 🙂

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Good one Cody!! Xx

      2. Miss_stress says:

        I like that Cody 😊

  15. Cody says:

    The Nymph situation is the equivalent of the dumpee (does not have to be in a narc “relationship”) offering up an FWB deal in the hopes that the dumper, who has his or her reasons for dumping in the first place, will eventually want the relationship back again. As any relationship book or website will tell you, this is super dangerous territory. Because the dumper gets a great deal (sex without commitment), the dumpee remains hooked, and then when the dumper meets someone new, and/or the dumpee pushes for more, the dumper can say with a straight face: we aren’t in a relationship. We are doing the FWB thing.
    This is devastating enough when the dumper isn’t a narc. And when the dumper IS a narc? Ohhh HG I can see you rubbing your hands together with glee.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And twirling my moustache too Cody!

  16. Clary says:

    Lost all hope abs feel like the wind is flowing right through me am I a skeleton?

  17. Clary says:

    I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life and everything inside of me is screaming I feel pain and extinguish as every bone in my body and muscle explode dissolve like dust for I loved deeply more difficult

    1. steeviann says:

      One hour at a time. This too shall pass. Be strong and just know that time is on your side.

  18. Clary says:

    Help I’m drowning in the poison of unmet needs from my narc with the strong desire to annhialate the witch thief

  19. mlaclarece says:

    I had to force myself to laugh at this. It was like a lovely stroll down memory lane at different stages experiencing all on you list. I would assume if one can check off all 10, then you’ve hit the fuel jackpot huh?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I hereby name you supertanker.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Yeahhhh…I own that Sh*t! Haha

    2. Fool me 1 time says:

      Don’t feel bad Clarece! If I would of been completely honest, I would of probably been able to check off all ten also! It just made me sick to think about it!! Xx

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Seriously! But I look at this and think wow, that’s how incredibly loyal I am to prove my love. Someone else will appreciate it at some point as my friends and family do.

      2. Fool me 1 time says:

        Clarece, you love with your whole self, as many of us do!! You will some day find that person that will love you the same way in return!!! Xx

        1. mlaclarece says:


      3. steeviann says:

        Right? I am ashamed of myself for being so weak.

        1. mlaclarece says:

          What? I’m not weak. You’re not weak. I love incredibly fiercely. He’s the weak one who couldn’t handle it.

  20. The convalescent codependent says:

    At one time all but the nymph, I have never missed or wanted sex with him since the day he walked out, its the least thing I miss. Now, maybe a bit of the navel gazer, but its dying out as well…YEAH ME!!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am convinced you did cheerleader routine with that comment CC.

      1. The convalescent codependent says:

        No but now that you mention it I do feel rather perky……….
        Give Me An
        GIVE ME AN
        GIVE ME AN
        GIVE ME AN

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I saw it began with H and I felt a moment of excitement!

  21. So Sad says:

    Interesting but I don’t recognise myself in any of those HG , not anymore anyway:)

    No contact for me was the key & fortunately ( fingers crossed ) there’s been no follow up hoover in 18 months . Yay !

    That doesn’t mean I’ll ever let my guard down , but if he does try he won’t get anything from it ..

    I needed answers & found them here ty ( as always) , as far as I’m concerned ex N may as well be dead..

    The only narc in my life is you, I’m sure there’s some irony there 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’ve seized the power. Dick Dastardley approves.

      1. Hey Dick, uh HG…
        Is it coincidence that I’m 6 9?
        I’m none but it just sounded funnier. Right? I’m none right? 6? Resurrected 6. Yes, we’ll go with that.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Nope. Me neither.

      2. So Sad says:

        Thanks HG 🙂

        Whohooo !

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That came out the year I was born.

          1. So Sad says:

            Are you trying to tell us that you’re only 26 HG Tudor ????? …

    2. Clary says:

      Hahahaaaaaa totally loved this character genuinely made me laugh I’m an extremely genuine and empathetic person this stuff is too hillarious to me because I’m made of humor and music so I’m just afraid the memories of the past with my narc kill me .

    3. steeviann says:

      So happy for So Sad! I can not wait to join the club but two days does not qualify. Give me two months.

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Steevia, do not feel embarrassed for who you are and what you feel!! Remember it is not us that should be embarrassed! It should be them that are embarrassed for the way they treated us!! Oh but wait! Embarrassment and shame is something they can not feel!! Xx

        1. HG Tudor says:

          We feel shame. We just use it to blame you.

      2. Clary says:

        Tudor why his and when you feel shame? What are the causes and it circumstances speaking?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is a more expansive discourse in Your Fault on this point.

      3. So Sad says:

        Thank you steeviann:)

        Sorry for the late reply , I missed your comment .

        Two days free steevianne ? Is that what you mean . ? If so I understand exactly how you’re feeling right now , it’s an awful emotional place to be .

        All I can say is take it a day at a time , hour by hour if you need to . Try to occupy your mind with anything you can as a distraction .
        If you need answers they’re all here in the blog & HGs books .
        I think the hardest part ( well for me anyway ) was No Contact , not that I wanted him back , but being unable to tell people what he really is because he’d done a sterling job of smearing me long before his departure .
        It’s all happening again with his new supply .
        My only regret is that I was unable to implement NC sooner .
        You WILL get through this . It will be painful , but trust me when I say that one day you’ll wake up & realise that life is soooooo much better .

        Be good to yourself right now Steeviann . xx

        1. steeviann says:

          We did talk last night and it ended with a peaceful goodbye. He told me about his date and that he finds it a red flag when they are on their third glass of wine as he does not drink. He goes on to complain that he has not found one that doesn’t drink, as he does not. I am not a seasoned drinker. I choose to not drink 99% of the time. What is he looking for? Who knows but it is not me.
          Starting day one………..again.

          1. So Sad says:

            Forgotten how man ” day ones” I had steeviann & I imagine every single poster on this blog will be the same .. 🙁

            Don’t blame yourself for that, he wants to keep his control over you & as HGs said many times he genuinely thinks you should be happy for him . He was also trying to triangulate you with his date ( more fuel) .

            ( hugs) steviann, I know how emotional it all is right now but todays a new day & a new start. 🙂 xx

    4. Cathy says:

      HG is the only narc in my life too… Gosh he’s amazing isn’t he!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Cathy.

      2. So Sad says:

        He’ll do I suppose .. lol

  22. Clary says:


  23. twinkletoes says:

    Yes, but these all involve direct contact. Even one kind instance of that, closure, would have made me happy. Instead I get this. Its understandable, then, i’d be pleased as punch if he fell off a cliff?

    Some people say its wrong to call this evil, but what else is it then?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      But it isn’t closure.

      1. steeviann says:

        I want closure.

      2. twinkletoes says:

        Well the “wish you well” is the closest I would have gotten to it, and I think I would have been OK with that.

        It appears his hoovers are either attempts to extract fuel (ie: app requests) or to hurt me (i.e: psycho friend). I don’t forsee even a WUW return, and that is disappointing. For 14 years I was a fountain of adoration, empathy and fuel for the little mongoloid.

        Would you have conducted things differently as a greater?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you are the fountain that you describe (and I have no reason to doubt you) I would have hoovered you senseless.

  24. Fool me 1 time says:


    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Some of us just have to learn the hard way!! That has always been the case with me!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          But you are learning Fool Me.

      2. Fool me 1 time says:

        For your information HG, my ex has been in the building all day! I have only said two words to him, good morning!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Excellent well done Fool Me. Seize that power.

      3. Fool me 1 time says:

        Actually it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be! I have know desire to talk to him!! Think I’m finally done with men! I always seem to draw the same type, and since I’m an empath and always will be, there really isn’t any point!

      4. JHW says:

        I cannot work out how to comment independently on this site.
        I believe at one time or another I may have occupied several of these roles before I learnt about narcissistic supply and realised that any interaction was supply.
        Since a long standing financial issue with the N was resolved, (which I dealt with by only responding neutrally and without emotion through email correspondence), I blocked social media, whatsapp, phone, email, so I do believe that the N can’t contact me at all. Therefore, I am relieved to say that he could not reach me to enact a hoover.
        That’s not to say that I’m not still impacted by the whole horrendous entanglement. But it does mean that I don’t have to deal with the N. Much happier to say the least.

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