Back for More

Image result for gushing oil

 

 

I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possible associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –

  1. To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
  2. To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
  3. To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.

 

It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at us and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.

 

  1. The Wish You Well

Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.

 

 

  1. The Optimist

This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?

 

  1. The Guilty

You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.

 

  1. The Navel Gazer

You are obsessed with understand who you are and regard your interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to your again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.

  1. The Healer

You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.

 

  1. The Nymph

You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.

 

  1. The Tourniquet

You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.

 

  1. The Old Reliable

You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.

 

  1. The Contender

You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.

 

  1. The Burning Oil Well

Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.

 

Do you recognise yourself in there at all?

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87 thoughts on “Back for More”

  1. This message is (mainly for) Steeviann in response to your message about your “goodbye” phone call. I know you are hurting, but look at how perfectly the narc bastard set it up. He “did the right thing” by giving you “closure”. He told you about the new date, which he KNOWS will stab you in the heart. And yet, and YET, he is already hinting that this new person has flaws he does not like. What does this do, Steeviann? I can think of two four-letter words. One is HOPE. It gives you that delicious false hope that narcs are (in)famous for! Maybe it’s not going to work out with her! Look how he’s already complaining about her drinking! This was not one of YOUR “flaws” so it’s only a matter of time before he dumps her and comes running back to you!
    You can probably figure out the other four letter word, and it is what narcs are experts at doing to your head (and heart). (Sometimes to other parts as well…)
    P.S. I think someone here called you Stevia by mistake (maybe it was autocorrect’s fault!). Wasn’t that the sugar substitute that was used to kill someone on a TV show? Too bad one hit of Steeviann can’t kill off her narc in the same way! 🙂

      1. Eveything. It the Stevia part! It’s actually good for you. It’s a natural plant. Walter white slipped poison into it to kill Lidia! All tha other white sugar substites ARE POISON! Switch to Stevia! See? Even food from the grocery stores have to be questioned for authenticity! What looks good isn’t always what it seems. Narcissists are like Sweet and Lo!! DEADLY POISON!! I see this pattern everywhere on this planet

  2. Guilty on all accounts!! Thank you Judge Tudor 🤓 for your righteous and fair assessments of my 10 violations of a happy life in the FREE WORLD!! Thank you for the mercy of the court that I can walk in accordance with this knowledge! It’s so awesome to have someone show me the mistakes, delusions pit falls and traps to keep me SAFE for a CHANGE! H.G. What a nice change from the tirades over nail clippers! This blog came right after my Narcs Hoover maneuvers today! Thank you for putting this s nightmare and these powers over me into proper perspective in my brain! It’s so sweet to hear you tell me the TRUTH over and over and breaking me out of the Narcissist spell! I could not help my heart from pounding when he broke his silence and sent a mean spirited text message. Yes. I rather enjoyed putting my foot down to any chance of coming back! And no I couldn’t help it! Just a bunch of nonsense and panic attacks because it’s fun to screw with me like that, so you tell us! I don’t like the rush of sudden fears at all. However, I countered Him wth short statements of understanding perfectly where he’s coming from but I don’t subscribe to his paradigm! 😀 Told him two can’t walk together unless they agree! And we don’t agree at all!! . Said it a few ways til he went silent again. But you are spot on again H,G!😎 Right on! And with your insight to guide us through the minefields, and out of the woods and showing us where the traps are laid I have lost the impulse and the desire and drive to persue him anymore! I wish to avoid him the way you say. All 10 You are marking the red flags! I am satisfied with you as my Narcissist! If I must have one, and I most certainly must, it seems, I choose you! I have no need to hear another lie that DECEIVES ME AGAIN!! I HATE THAT! You are making Uus Street wise in Narc Town!! Making it easier to let go! Your Hoover post swooped in like a birdy carrying A note with all I needed to know for right now! I love that! Feels very good to light up here and there for a minute! I wanted to tell you, there is a tall dark and handsome man on our t.v. show “Once Upon a Time ya know? Well, I think if I would picture you the way I see you here? , I picture you as the embodiment of THAT Captain Hook! He is a pirate that makes choices that saves people from a many perils! That show is filled with these dynamics. That hero villain reminds me of you!

  3. Number 1. I couldn’t stand the thought that he might not be doing well, mixed in with guilt over the escape. Now, it’s more like I don’t wish that fire ants will crawl up his pantlegs. He is human after all.

  4. I think 1, 2, 5 and 6 are where I would typically be. With narc #1 I was always the healer but finally gave up and he hasn’t attempted to hoover me in 15 years thank goodness.

    Narc #2 is still hoovering on a bi monthly basis but I’m hoping after reading all this I’ll be immune next time he tries.

    This article is really well timed for me HG as a narc I had a very short relationship 2 years ago contacted me yesterday out of the blue. I’ve just responded in a very casual way cos now I’m curious as to what type of hoover he might apply.

    What would your money be on HG?

      1. I’ve had two serious relationships with narcs where I was the primary source and been involved in casual relationships with three others and all but my son’s father keep hoovering me…I never knew what it was till now though. I find it really difficult to just ignore them when they text even though I now know what they’re doing.

  5. Clarece, you capture this so well. For me, every time G comes back is “validation” that he realizes that I’m The One, that we belong together, that he just can’t live without me. It was only after I started reading this blog that I began to see what these “hoovers” really meant. But I still cave every single time. As HG pointed out elsewhere, it is very easy to get stuck in the Heart versus Head Battle. 🙁

  6. Ladies never ever u set any circumstances believe this from a narcicist is the perfect Hoover specially if you’re the melancholic personality it’s a special sweet trap were braking from they have specially designed for us it’s a blunt lie we should never believe if you don’t want to become a vampire like them trust me when you get bitten by s vampire the venom can turn you into one for whatever manners it always comes back to haunt you and make you become one like witchcraft

  7. 8.5/10 .. In the past ( in one or all relationships) but not anymore..
    Its now going to be almost 8 months. Time passes fast..
    Excellent list. I think you have them all perfectly summarized and not one missing

      1. What saddens me about this, is the hoovers really aren’t meant to rekindle the relationship. Only to get attention. My biggest flaw to fix is what I’ve come to learn I do that is complimentary projection. Because for me to reach out and reconnect with someone means I reflected and made a conscious decision to win someone back in my life due to the depth of my caring about them. There are a few people who I did reject, as kindly as I could. I never looked back. If they’ve reached out, I completely ignore. I think it’s more cruel to give false hope and respond then do nothing. So I have automatically operated that when JN resurfaced for the 100th time, it is coming from a place that he realizes he deeply cares and it’s just a matter of time that things will progress in a healthy way. To know now that I would never be more than someone he’ll call on or text just for an attention fix, beyond reprehensible.

    1. Nikita that is wonderful, eight months with no contact with any narcissists in real life. We won’t count interactions with Hg here on the blog, as then we would all be In that same boat. Well done.xx

      You did that yourself, through informing yourself via HG books and blogs as well. But the work was all YOU.
      That is a blessing no hoovers in all that time. I am hoping when I ignored the last Hoover attempt he will give up, for now or for good. I would Never ignore him, will be a huge sign for him.

  8. All but nymph, though tempted at times. All with the same narc over the period of exactly one year, the last only a week ago. I lost count, but he probably broke up with me every three weeks. At first he’d come crying and begging to be back, then he could count on me to make myself the Hoover victim. I’m still reeling, but FINALLY see what was going on. Geez! NC and trying to breathe.

  9. This I will print out and read everyday. Now I am more determined to end it for life. He can not be well, end of story. It is simple as that really.
    I saw myself in nearly all of them at one stage or another of this 8 month hell. I am embarrassed at this point. I lowered my standards.

    It ends now! I am day two of no contact. I will look at it like a drug, say nicotine. I quit finally 20 years ago for life after many attempts and temporary ( a few years here and there) breaks. He is now called Marlboro. He is poison and he stinks.

    It will never be good on any level so why grace him with my brilliance. He is far beneath me and his calibar lacks.

    I appreciate this post HG……….you did it special for me……again. Whatever would I do without you.

      1. HG will I have to leave this forum when I feel that I have become strong enough to NO CONTACT ever again with him? Perhaps you can be the only NARC in my life moving forward. My therapist wants me to stop reading about Narcs very soon.

      2. No you won’t. It is your choice what you decide to do. I would point out that once No Contact has been instigated it must be maintained and you will have further battles ahead even during NC which your increasing Narc Craft will be needed for.

      3. I could just cry! I actually am! This is flipping crazy! I was responding to my sons linked and I thought he was calling, bluetooth on and cell not in from of me. I even answered it with a crazy hello I do with my kids. It was the Marlboro. I didn’t hang up and of course he hurt my heart once again. He said he had a headache and wondered why and he thought that it might be because he needed to apologize to me as he knows how awful he has been for 7 months. He said he knows all I tried to do was love him and he could not accept it. All the while he was driving to meet up with another women. What a piece of work.
        I did tell him to never call again and he is now blocked. I am sick to my stomach.

      4. I failed. Not on purpose, the answering the call was by mistake. The 41 minute conversation was not. He got plenty of fuel so he could smile and be loving to the date he was going to. I get it now.

    1. You did not fail!! This is something that will take time! It won’t happen over night! Stay with the blog, read, read, read, ask questions all that you want! Someone will answer and be here for you! Steev we have all been where you are at!! It will get better! Xx💐

  10. I WAS everyone of these types and all at once sometimes , what does that mean HG? They all stem from loving someone, missing someone, desiring someone, questioning someone, trusting someone, needing someone, caring for someone and hurting from someone….that list is too long to continue…Pathetic, per usual?

      1. WAS a target Miss-stress .. I love it !! Hello Fool Me . Happy to be a member too xx

  11. The Nymph situation is the equivalent of the dumpee (does not have to be in a narc “relationship”) offering up an FWB deal in the hopes that the dumper, who has his or her reasons for dumping in the first place, will eventually want the relationship back again. As any relationship book or website will tell you, this is super dangerous territory. Because the dumper gets a great deal (sex without commitment), the dumpee remains hooked, and then when the dumper meets someone new, and/or the dumpee pushes for more, the dumper can say with a straight face: we aren’t in a relationship. We are doing the FWB thing.
    This is devastating enough when the dumper isn’t a narc. And when the dumper IS a narc? Ohhh HG I can see you rubbing your hands together with glee.

  12. I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life and everything inside of me is screaming I feel pain and extinguish as every bone in my body and muscle explode dissolve like dust for I loved deeply more difficult

    1. One hour at a time. This too shall pass. Be strong and just know that time is on your side.

  13. Help I’m drowning in the poison of unmet needs from my narc with the strong desire to annhialate the witch thief

  14. I had to force myself to laugh at this. It was like a lovely stroll down memory lane at different stages experiencing all on you list. I would assume if one can check off all 10, then you’ve hit the fuel jackpot huh?

    1. Don’t feel bad Clarece! If I would of been completely honest, I would of probably been able to check off all ten also! It just made me sick to think about it!! Xx

      1. Seriously! But I look at this and think wow, that’s how incredibly loyal I am to prove my love. Someone else will appreciate it at some point as my friends and family do.

      2. Clarece, you love with your whole self, as many of us do!! You will some day find that person that will love you the same way in return!!! Xx

      3. What? I’m not weak. You’re not weak. I love incredibly fiercely. He’s the weak one who couldn’t handle it.

  15. At one time all but the nymph, I have never missed or wanted sex with him since the day he walked out, its the least thing I miss. Now, maybe a bit of the navel gazer, but its dying out as well…YEAH ME!!!!

      1. No but now that you mention it I do feel rather perky……….
        Give Me An
        H
        GIVE ME AN
        E
        GIVE ME AN
        L
        GIVE ME AN
        L
        HELL YEAH IM FREE!

  16. Interesting but I don’t recognise myself in any of those HG , not anymore anyway:)

    No contact for me was the key & fortunately ( fingers crossed ) there’s been no follow up hoover in 18 months . Yay !

    That doesn’t mean I’ll ever let my guard down , but if he does try he won’t get anything from it ..

    I needed answers & found them here ty ( as always) , as far as I’m concerned ex N may as well be dead..

    The only narc in my life is you, I’m sure there’s some irony there 🙂

      1. Hey Dick, uh HG…
        Is it coincidence that I’m 6 9?
        I’m none but it just sounded funnier. Right? I’m none right? 6? Resurrected 6. Yes, we’ll go with that.

    1. Hahahaaaaaa totally loved this character genuinely made me laugh I’m an extremely genuine and empathetic person this stuff is too hillarious to me because I’m made of humor and music so I’m just afraid the memories of the past with my narc kill me .

    2. So happy for So Sad! I can not wait to join the club but two days does not qualify. Give me two months.

      1. Steevia, do not feel embarrassed for who you are and what you feel!! Remember it is not us that should be embarrassed! It should be them that are embarrassed for the way they treated us!! Oh but wait! Embarrassment and shame is something they can not feel!! Xx

      2. Tudor why his and when you feel shame? What are the causes and it circumstances speaking?

      3. Thank you steeviann:)

        Sorry for the late reply , I missed your comment .

        Two days free steevianne ? Is that what you mean . ? If so I understand exactly how you’re feeling right now , it’s an awful emotional place to be .

        All I can say is take it a day at a time , hour by hour if you need to . Try to occupy your mind with anything you can as a distraction .
        If you need answers they’re all here in the blog & HGs books .
        I think the hardest part ( well for me anyway ) was No Contact , not that I wanted him back , but being unable to tell people what he really is because he’d done a sterling job of smearing me long before his departure .
        It’s all happening again with his new supply .
        My only regret is that I was unable to implement NC sooner .
        You WILL get through this . It will be painful , but trust me when I say that one day you’ll wake up & realise that life is soooooo much better .

        Be good to yourself right now Steeviann . xx

      4. We did talk last night and it ended with a peaceful goodbye. He told me about his date and that he finds it a red flag when they are on their third glass of wine as he does not drink. He goes on to complain that he has not found one that doesn’t drink, as he does not. I am not a seasoned drinker. I choose to not drink 99% of the time. What is he looking for? Who knows but it is not me.
        Starting day one………..again.

      5. Forgotten how man ” day ones” I had steeviann & I imagine every single poster on this blog will be the same .. 🙁

        Don’t blame yourself for that, he wants to keep his control over you & as HGs said many times he genuinely thinks you should be happy for him . He was also trying to triangulate you with his date ( more fuel) .

        ( hugs) steviann, I know how emotional it all is right now but todays a new day & a new start. 🙂 xx

  17. Yes, but these all involve direct contact. Even one kind instance of that, closure, would have made me happy. Instead I get this. Its understandable, then, i’d be pleased as punch if he fell off a cliff?

    Some people say its wrong to call this evil, but what else is it then?

      1. Well the “wish you well” is the closest I would have gotten to it, and I think I would have been OK with that.

        It appears his hoovers are either attempts to extract fuel (ie: app requests) or to hurt me (i.e: psycho friend). I don’t forsee even a WUW return, and that is disappointing. For 14 years I was a fountain of adoration, empathy and fuel for the little mongoloid.

        Would you have conducted things differently as a greater?

      2. If you are the fountain that you describe (and I have no reason to doubt you) I would have hoovered you senseless.

      1. Some of us just have to learn the hard way!! That has always been the case with me!

      2. For your information HG, my ex has been in the building all day! I have only said two words to him, good morning!!

      3. Actually it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be! I have know desire to talk to him!! Think I’m finally done with men! I always seem to draw the same type, and since I’m an empath and always will be, there really isn’t any point!

      4. I cannot work out how to comment independently on this site.
        I believe at one time or another I may have occupied several of these roles before I learnt about narcissistic supply and realised that any interaction was supply.
        Since a long standing financial issue with the N was resolved, (which I dealt with by only responding neutrally and without emotion through email correspondence), I blocked social media, whatsapp, phone, email, so I do believe that the N can’t contact me at all. Therefore, I am relieved to say that he could not reach me to enact a hoover.
        That’s not to say that I’m not still impacted by the whole horrendous entanglement. But it does mean that I don’t have to deal with the N. Much happier to say the least.

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