The Stolen Use of No

Image result for woman hand no



No is a familiar word from our lips and I have explained its extensive use and important value to our kind on a previous occasion. We use no to exert our hold over you. It is not only used in that sense but also as a reminder that you have lost the use of no because we steal that from you and then, when saying “no” to you on a repeated basis we are flaunting what we have taken from you.

We steal your ability to say no very soon into the entanglement. We pluck it away from you with ease and subterfuge so that it seems as if you have placed the use of the word “no” into retirement when actually it has been carefully and quietly spirited away from you. During devaluation, the theft is far more apparent. It has been a brazen burglary, a smash and grab as each time we metaphorically hit you over the head (and in some cases also do so literally) and make off with your use of the word “no”. It is removed from you forcibly and then waved around in front of you on a daily basis, a vicious reminder that we can use it and you cannot. Therein this underlines our superiority over you. The acquisition of the word “no” is an early and key aim of when we ensnare you. We set out to take it from you, acquire it for our own extensive use and deny you the opportunity of using it ever again. Inevitably the questions of how and why we do this manifest. First of all, how do we achieve this pilfering? What forms does it take?

  1. You lose the capacity to say no to our advances during seduction.
  2. You cannot say no to spending time with us.
  3. You cannot say no to the suggestions we make.
  4. You cannot say no to the places we take you.
  5. You cannot say no to the gifts we shower you with.
  6. You cannot say no the first time we take your hand.
  7. You cannot say no the first time we move closer to kiss you.
  8. You cannot say no when we take you to bed.
  9. You cannot say no when we keep staying at your place.
  10. You cannot say no when we invite you to stay with us.
  11. You cannot say no when we turn up unexpectedly and invite you out for lunch or coffee.

Think back to your seduction (or if you are still inside this period consider the ongoing situation) and how readily you accede to all these requests. It is easy because there is always an upside. You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no, because you do not want to miss out on the experience of being with us and being bound closer to us. You do not realise this but we have already stolen your ability to say no. Just in the way that a totalitarian state tells you what to think, say and do, we do the same but it is all wonderful, golden and benign. This is because when we take away your capacity to say no during the seduction of the golden period we are governing you through love. This regime is as controlling as any other but is uses love to achieve governance.

What then of devaluation? How then does the theft of “no” occur?

  1. You do not say no to our demands that you run around after us.
  2. You do not say no to our command that you stay in and do not go out with your friends.
  3. You are forbidden from saying no to our demands in the bedroom, no matter how degrading and humiliating they may be.
  4. You do not say no to our sudden explosions of rage but rather you must deal with them and ride you out.
  5. You do not say no to the repeated crossing of your boundaries through our invasion of your personal space, the occupation of your accommodation, the use of your resources such as time and money.
  6. You do not say no to our coming and going as we please. We are entitled and we remove your ability to say no in order to further this sense of absolute entitlement.
  7. You do not say no to our erosion of your self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem as we whittle them away through the repeated applications of our manipulations.
  8. You do not say no to our isolation of you, as we ensure you spend time with us and do not socialise with friends and family.
  9. You do not say no to the frequent manipulations that are applied to you, but rather you suck them up and deal with them as best as you can.

The totalitarian regime that we implement is no longer one which uses love in order to govern. That has been replaced with fear. Fear of repercussions, of responses, reactions and consequences has the word no evaporate from your vocabulary. Even if you try and say it, it will not come naturally, but rather sticks in your throat until we seize it and pull it away from you once again leaving you with no option other than to say “yes”.


The theft of “no” continues even after you are discarded as well.

  1. You do not say no to our smearing of you to third parties, since you are bewildered and do not have the energy or coping mechanisms to fight back;
  2. You do not say no to our hoovering of you by saying no to our home visits, no to our telephone calls or no to our messages;
  3. You do not say no to the memories of us but rather allow them to fill your mind and continue our infection of you;
  4. You do no say no to wondering what we are doing and who with
  5. You do not say no to spying on us, trawling our social media profile and asking others about us.
  6. You do not say no to the reinstatement of the golden period.

No is denied to you repeatedly. It is taken from your lexicon of words and if you ever try to take it back, it is soon whipped away from you once again. We own your use of the word “no”. We understand the power that comes with its use and that is why we take it by any means possible. At first through the false love and then through the imposition of fear, intimidation and threat.

Why do we do this? Why do we make it our aim to remove your capacity to resist, refuse and thus say no?

  1. The word “no” is powerful. More so than “yes”. It is harder to say but when used it is powerful. We want to remove that power from you and have it ourselves.
  2. By preventing you from saying no to us we can control you and have you do what we want.
  3. Only the great have the ability to say no. We have it. Therefore, we are superior. You do not. You are therefore inferior.
  4. You know you should say it but you cannot. This damages your self-worth even further.
  5. Watching you try to say the word we have taken causes you pain, frustration, upset and anger, all of which lead to the provision of fuel.

The removal of “no” from you to us is a lynchpin in our manipulation of you. How ought you to deal with this theft? It is simple enough. Always remember where you have placed the word “no”, take it out, use it, practise with it, say it to yourself in the mirror and remember that the more you use it the harder it is for us to steal it from you and keep it from you.

125 thoughts on “The Stolen Use of No

  1. Lisa says:

    HG yes the irony that now Mommy Dearest wants you in therapy . The book you mentioned needs to be published to a much greater audience . You said you have an agent , I suppose in a way you wanting to be anonymous hinders how much of your work can really make a mark on this subject . I just think it would be amazing if you became really famous it would be worth going public and being famous just to see the look on MatriNarcs face before she pops her clogs ha ha

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I actually mentioned I am in discussions with a voice agent. I can still make a considerable mark whilst preserving my identity. If I see an advantage to be conferred by waiving anonymity, I shall. The effect of fame would only cause her to ignore it and lash out, I am not interested in her knowing that, I have only one thing that she has to give me before she burns.

      1. MF says:

        There’s no such thing as anonymity in this world. Just like the cake, it’s a lie. I hereby reserve the right to tell you I told you so.

  2. Miss Fortune says:

    It’s a couple of things actually. One of my supervisors at work is using me for fuel. I was involved at something at work which went wrong, it wasn’t even my fault. I got a public execution that went on for days and almost drove me into a burn out. I don’t want to sound paranoid but there’s a few collaborating (Luitenants?). I’d like to know how the game is played so I can prevent it from happening in the future and how I can remove myself as their source of fuel.

    Then there’s another thing. It was a time in my life where I was alone in a new environment, struggling with some issues, I was vulnerable. He became my friend.
    What happened is just too painful for me to type out here, I’m sorry. All of a sudden everything changed. Sadistic is really an understatement for the way he pulled my strings, pushed my buttons and seem to enjoy it, savor it. Your post on vulnerability was an eye opener. At the end my soul was gone, my identity obliterated. I was a piece of meat thrown in the trash. I can still feel his black sharp claws squeezing my heart. He said a couple of things that still hurt, it lingers. It’s a feeling worse than death.
    I’ve been no contact for some time now and resisting the urge to contact him to have some kind of verification on what happened to get closure. I just need to know if he set it up beforehand, if I could have prevented any of it. I’m struggling with shame and self-blame, why does it take so long to heal?
    I’d like some information on how to handle a Hoover, I think I failed to handle one properly.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The workplace is a happy hunting ground for our kind. Of course, those on the receiving end, those who are bystanders and those who may have to be involved in managing the problem do not know that a narcissist is in their midst. They just think that the offender is a bully or has not social skills or is just blunt. I do find it interesting that given many HR positions are occupied by women (who are also in the majority of cases our victims) why it is that those HR professionals remain unaware of the existence and behaviour of narcissists. One would think given HR’s delight in attending courses about how to get the best our of human capital, nobody has explained to them what is actually going on. I see some potential there.
      In terms of what has happened to you Miss F there are two immediate things you can do. The first is to avoid reacting emotionally thus starving the work narcissist of fuel. He or she will then find someone else to pick on. The second is to consider putting in a grievance. This latter step is dependent on where the narcissist sits in the hierarchy and also consideration is given as to whether this will just give the narcissist a further arena in which to operate. Do you have to interact daily with the narcissist?
      In respect of handling the hoover it is about recognising them, countering them and deterring them to begin with. There is much to learn on the topic and in order to save my fingers which are bleeding stumps these days, I recommend you read Black Hole.

      1. MF says:

        Homework 🙂 I’ll read it. I’m sorry about your fingers, it’s becoming quite popular here. I’ll try not to poke you with too much questions.

        I think I’d like to tell you about what happened at work. Maybe you can help me debug my brain a little when your fingers are healed again 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Go ahead.

      2. MF says:

        In the past few days I’ve re-read your previous comment for at least a hundred times. It took some time to sink in….

        I’ve always valued my brain and my autonomy highly. I had to take care of myself since a young age, that’s how I survived.

        Not only did he take my autonomy away, when I tried to get it back (yes, I somehow scraped enough guts together to say no, needless to say it was futile) he nearly broke my mind and tried to drive me insane. He left me in the deepest layer of hell.

        Never thought I’d meet the devil himself, not in a million years I would have expected help. But you’re pointing me a way out and you don’t even know me. Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. Lisa says:

      Miss Fortune, I had a situation at work with what I now know to be a Narcisist . I was a senior manager and he was also in a senior position . He always liked me and was trying to get me to go out with him for 4 years. Anyway very long story but I don’t work there now and I didn’t leave because of him. But the last year of my working life there was utter hell. It is only now that I realise this was my first encounter with a narcissist . He literally went to war with me and it was indescribable . The owner of the business tried to support the situation because we were both key to her business but there is no HR there and nobody even understands it. I was in hind sight his worse nightmare because I did not back down with him . I had no emotional attachment to him and I just battled him daily. No one could really see what was going on and nobody would ever believe me that he was doing all of these things on purpose . He intimidated the whole work place but not me. When I left that job I was literally mentally exhausted it was really quite unbelievable . He did a complete smear campaign on me . After trying everything to reason with him I eventually started to completely ignore him , I treated him like he was irrelevant and invisible and I redirected all of my staff that they could not go to him for anything . I also changed many procedures that shut down knowledge on him. When I look back at it and can see how clear it is that he’s a narc. He’s still there and been getting away with all of his manipulations for years. When I left I deliberately just left without doing notice has I had so much holiday to take . He would have been furious I just disappeared without the control freak knowing . Exactly one year later I got an email from him , I did not know about hoovers . Eventually he came to my house and was on his knees in my living room still asking me to be his girlfriend . I just laughed at him and after chatting for half an hour asked him to leave told him he was boring me and he didn’t interest me in anyway. No body would believe any of this . All the people at the work place would never understand any of this or believe it certainly not the owner. It’s a pity I didn’t video the visit to my house a year later and his begging me to go out with him . I now realise HR DO NOT have a clue about this stuff and I know a lot of my staff started to think I was nuts . Anyway 2 weeks after leaving that job I went out for a drink with a guy that I hadn’t seen from school days. And he’s the narc that brought me to this blog . I was in such a weaken state after my job situation and then straight into a romantic relationship with one . I did not recognise it as they were such different characters . This of course has been terrible because I loved this one . So 3 years of this one way or another. I am now not in a good place at all. The work one I just think , if I’d known I could have maybe been less affected I don’t know I think in away I won with him but didn’t really realise it but the daily battle was beyond belief . But my romantic relationship of the last 2 years has nearly finished me off. I could spot a narc at work immediately now. Although I’m not actually working at the moment . Personality disorders MUST be recognised by HR this is such a problem. By the way I am pretty certain that the industry I am in and have been since I was very young there is always at least one. And generally in the same job role. For me to have had 2 in a row I think that’s why I’m so bad at the moment. You can’t explain this stuff to anyone nobody understands it. And the boyfriend that I now know is one straight after the other work stalker one that actually both fancied me and hated my guts, it’s why I’m struggling so much . I think I accidentally handled a very strong narc at work and got the better of him but the cost to my mental state was high. But when it comes to loving someone in an emotional relationship I didn’t stand a chance .
      HG you should think about this HR training thing and disorders . It needs to start in schools at a very young age as well. I believe Narcisism could be chanelled or mentored as there are aspects of it that make them highly skilled in some areas of life and work without destroying themselves and others . If someone a therapist had intervened with you and your parents around the age of 9 – 16 lets just say for example do you think things may have been slightly different for you ? I’m just curious

      1. HG Tudor says:

        An excellent summation of how narcissism manifests at work and some of the considerations that are associated with it. I agree with you about people learning about it. There are four key areas which we affect. Intimate relationships, familial relationships and working relationship and friendships. The effects are devastating for people. So few people recognise what they are dealing with an what it means, but if people do not know about it beforehand, they will always get sucked in. My book Red Flag gives the lowdown on 50 things to watch out for. It should be something that anybody embarking on dating, the world of work etc should read. If people read that, realised and stayed away they wouldn’t need Escape, No Contact and the rest as they would escape before the seduction was complete and the damage done. People ought to be trained to recognise it in the workplace. People should know about it before they start to enter into intimate relationships.
        I do not see anyway a therapist could have intervened. MatriNarc would never allow it. Oh the irony.

  3. Miss Fortune says:

    It won’t let me reply somehow

  4. Miss Fortune says:

    It was a friend. I’ve been no contact for a few years.

  5. Miss Fortune says:

    The stolen use of no. The manipulation. The sadistic behaviour. The devaluation. The discard. Breaking someone. You know it’s going to happen the moment you lure someone in. It’s planned ahead. You actively pursue it, don’t you? What’s your success rate?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes I do. Every battle is won before it is ever though and as consequence of applying that doctrine every seduction I have embarked on has proven successful.

      1. Miss Fortune says:

        Thank you for your honest and open answers.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome and thank you for your questions.

      2. Miss Fortune says:

        You wrote a lot of books, which ones would you recommend to start with?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Where are you in your situation with a narcissist and who is it? Family member,friend or intimate partner? Are you in a formal relationship with them or have you split up? Your answers will better help me direct you to the relevant books.

      3. Miss Fortune says:

        Due to the nature of my work I frequently run into people who drain me like emotional vampires. I need to know how this game is played so I can protect myself and stay under the radar, information on Luitenants would also be welcome.

        Then there’s another thing. It was at a time in my life where I was alone in a new environment, struggling with some issues, I was vulnerable. He was a friend.
        I tried to type out what happened but it’s too painful, I can’t. I’m sorry. Everything changed. ‘Sadistic’ is an understatement for the way he pulled my strings, pushed my buttons and seem to enjoy it, savor it. I felt like someone ripped the soul out of my body, an empty shell, a piece of meat thrown in the trash. I still feel his black claws wrapped around my heart, slowly squeezing, keeping me bleeding. Suffocating me. He said some things that still linger and hurt, they make me sick. It is a feeling worse than death.

        It’s been years since I started (what I later learned is called) no contact. I’ve been hoovered which I think I did not handle properly. I am resisting the urge to contact him to have some kind of verification on what happened. I need to know; was this my fault, how did I contribute in all of this, did it happen by accident, or was it really planned and set up beforehand, could I have prevented any of it somehow.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No it was not your fault although we of course have to make it seem like it is. That is why we make you out to be the willing victim, the volunteer, why we blame-shift and project. Nothing can be our fault even though it actually always is our fault. It did not happen by accident. You were selected. A greater such as I would sniff you out, regard you, target you and then move in for the “kill”. A Lesser would pick you out through sheer instinct. The only way you could have prevented it would have been to have known exactly what was happening to you and nobody ever does. That is why we are able to do as we do. Keep reading and you will understand more and from that you will acquire freedom.

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    What have you told me about saying “no”? Everything, including the last paragraph of this post. You are the best, HG. I know that word when circumstances hit the point of no return. Now, just need to apply in other areas.

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      PS. That guy has red knuckles. I hope he punched a wall and I hope it hurt his knuckles. Cretan.

  7. Anna Alonova says:

    Both, but your specific situation seems to provide an added layer of knowing willingness it seems. Almost would love to know what gives. Its not like you hide what you are or how you do what you do, but yet many just swoon-swoon. I can almost understand what you do and why better than what drives those people who are willing to play with the cobra that you fundamentally are in almost this lay down and die, self sacrificing or a self flagellating manner.

  8. Clary says:

    What does it mean when a narcicist tells you that what hasxhecdicextintou? You’re destroying him when I’m talking abut the things he’s done to me without being specific to address the issue itself

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Canyou repeat the question please?

      1. Clary says:

        There’s the narcicist who tells you that what wrong did I do to you? You’re destroying me when I tell him what he did to me and he has no idea what it is cause I don’t specify that stuff I tell private at the right moment but I’ve held it against him all this time and I recalled it often before our breakup why would he say that to me why dies he feel “destroyed” if it dies T matter to him since he doesn’t care about me and said so quite repeatedly I never forget that and I have witnesses because his sister was in the car the poor idiot traitor she was the driver he was sitting behind me he’s taller than I am but always gives me the front seat because he has this gentlemen mask which he only uses it but not in how he treats people but like fixing my seat after I got off in a restaurant which actually happened and swept me off my feet because he did it often with everyone but in his soul he usxfarcfron bring a gentleman he’s a vest or therefore being gentle at all I the sense of speaking he’s a bluff

      2. Clary says:

        Autocorrect kicks my ass every time hate it don’t know how to turn it off

  9. nikitalondon says:

    Selflove is saying No when it hurts

  10. Heather says:

    Saying NO and DOING NO have been two very different things for me. Saying no to a tirade while fighting to stop it never worked! Saying no and walking out the door did! Saying no to busting in my house for a tirade never stopped it! Changing the locks to my door did. (And never giving up the new keys)! Sleeping in separate rooms. Driving separate cars. Refusing to go places with a rager.. Filing for Divorce.. That is how I finally said NO. And meant it

  11. Anna Alonova says:

    It is astounding to me how many potential “willing victims” your blog attracts. Is it for the purpose of learning that they do it? Sort of like ‘flatliners’? Is it just a morbid fascination mixed with a hefty dose of lack of self preservation? Or is it just naive blindness that grips the illusory good like a last straw, because to think otherwise is to live in a world they dont understand? It is truly mind boggling. Despite my reluctance to put on my rose glasses in terms of how I see you, your information is very accessible and extremely useful, and I must give you credit where its due. I can imagine you are helping a lot of people. Offhandedly, but still.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Anna. Do you mean willing victims re me or that remain willing victims viz a viz the narcissist they were/are entangled with?

    2. Miss_stress says:

      I am aware and fully sighted now, Anna. I am here to learn from HG and to discuss with other readers who have been through the same as me, in varying degrees.

    3. Miss_stress says:

      I am under no spell or illusion here.

    1. Miss_stress says:


  12. twinkletoes says:

    HG any plans for an article on how to have fun with a FUH?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      As in a defensive action when one is applied to you?

  13. nikitalondon says:

    I am very good at never saying No but learning how to say No and be calm.

  14. Clary says:

    Thank you for this article I see now that’s what he thinks but no one shuts me up and at the hour of the truth if I lose my love for actions really you find out you never lose your no…. Bastard not you Tudor him HAHAHAAAAAA you’re doing a better job than him somehow because you’re doing good to others with this precious sweet like a cherry infirmaries sort of divine justice for victims if you didn’t had idea my ex he’s still running from the law literally. I’m not trying to give you fuel I’m just stAtibg the facts since I’m so good at that learned from the best god I miss my teacher who’s another form of bar I use I’m a survived miracle since I have a conscience

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  15. So Sad says:

    Opps . White van man .. “

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ha ha.

  16. Clary says:

    This is in my case not happening I’m uncontrollable and I can be self defensive when being attacked in every possible considerable way because I feel nothing I’m immune because if the abusevim not cold in immune

  17. Miss_stress says:

    HG! How often were you told NO, as a child? And how much bearing does that have on your need to control the voice of others as an adult? Personally, I was told no as a I child and I just accepted it without question.
    Thank you in advance for your answer.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Only one person was allowed to say no to me. Everyone else had to say yes. I am still being told how much bearing that has on me now as an adult.
      I bet you didn’t, I bet you were always on the naughty step!

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Your sister, by your viewpoint? Your mother, by her viewpoint?
        I was locked in my room by my mother, till my dad came home from Work….if questioning and thinking outside her realm. I said Why more then NO. Naughty step would have been a delightful change.

      2. So Sad says:

        “Only one person was allowed to say no to me. ”

        Everyone else had to say yes. I am still being told how much bearing that has on me now as an adult.”

        That for me says it all HG , I think you’re just as fragile as we all are .
        perhaps I’m wrong x

      3. twinkletoes says:

        Oh god…this sounds like that time he had a crackup at the iphone store….

        “Sorry sir, the new model is sold out”

        Tubby: (ripping display model out of wall)
        i’ll take this one!

        Clerk: sorry no

        Tubbs: no? Did you say no? No one tells me NOO *stomps foot*

        Clerk: I’m sorry sir. You need to give that back

        Tubs: “I DONT WANNA!” *bangs fist, cries scream*

        Clerk: Security!

        Tubs: you can’t treat me like this, do you know who I am? I’m calling my lawyer!

        tell me again what it is I miss?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          His collection of Star Wars miniature figures?

  18. So Sad says:

    Ty HG .

    I was worn down, controlled & manipulated with NO . My mind twisted to the point where my self confidence actually believed that I was always wrong .

    Even now I hate saying no to anyone , but I’m learning to 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and written like the people pleaser that you are.

      1. So Sad says:

        People “pleaser” HG .. ?

        Try telling that to the white man who accidentally on purpose cut me up on a side road .. I’ve found my voice again 🙂 !! Take what the Tw££ got x one million 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Kiity has got claws after all.

      2. So Sad, your comment made me laugh out loud (white man, instead of white van).

        I was thinking to myself, “My, HG’s blog is getting a tad racial now….” LOL!!!

        Thank you for the laugh!

    2. Miss_stress says:

      So sad, me as well We have to learn to empower ourselves, saying NO! is one small step to that goal. We need to learn to please ourselves. You are worth it always xx

      1. So Sad says:

        Thank you MS as we all are . 🙂

        B & T hahah glad I made you laugh out loud 🙂 It’s always good to laugh xx

  19. I think the word “No” is one of the most despicable words in language.

    Unless I am saying it to someone to deny them something they want from me but no longer deserve. 😉

    I can’t imagine saying no to you, HG. It just doesn’t compute.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am pleased you think so.

      1. Unlike others, I don`t think it, HG. I know.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Written with the confidence of our kind.

          1. Absolute confidence. You know how I despise injustice, especially as it applies to yourself or myself.

            “No” is essentially the short form of injustice.

    2. steeviann says:

      NO it is not! 😉

      1. Ha Ha cute, steeviann.

        When you say NO!, I hear YES! 😉

        1. steeviann says:

          Please say it isn’t so. This time my no has to be firm and steady. But I will admit I do want to talk to him. As I said 48 hours to get over the initial cut off.

  20. steeviann says:

    He woould start his crap and I felt like I was trying to hold on from it spinning out of control and I would start with saying No No NO and he would say “STOP SAYING NO!”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It’s a no form us to no.

    2. Clary says:

      In my case he always seemed to enjoy when I congratulated him on his shitted day but he seemed HAPPY and in love all of this with a girlfriend behind my back horrible disgusting backstabber why did I fell for you? It’s your looks that I like now and keeps me hooked with you why did I fell for this fool this immature little asswhole who plays dark games on girls which and his looks aren’t so good anymore I hate it when he looks butter he looks so ugly and repulsive I feel so much better now thanks Tudor fir creating this self help blog god bless you that’s the only thing attracting me to you but I have a weakness for exotic eyes and Asian men which you don’t know about HAAAA and you clearly don’t have even though you have Asian qualities you don’t fit the mold BIGASS LOOSER BAD LOOSER

      1. Clary says:

        My confession of likes us bit for you Tudor hahahaaaaaa and I meant to say I don’t like it when he has a bitter face he’s a bitter man with nothing to offer but good handsome little company if any handsome not even so in other words nothing to offer but a big nightmare to any woman

  21. Lisa says:

    HG how do you know the difference between a sociopath and a narcissist . I know you can read up on the differences . But as so much gaslighting goes on and so much fake feelings , how do you know ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Lisa,have you read my article Narcissist or Sociopath?

      1. Clary says:

        I certainly will more info for me and I keep studying this is fascinating mine is both with registers if cleckly psycipathism ouch for me I cry

      2. steeviann says:

        and where can I find this article HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ghosted and Gilded Steeviann.

          1. Lisa says:

            HG, I can’t find ghosted and gilded ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            It’s a book.

          3. steeviann says:

            Good morning HG, my name is Casper.

    2. Lisa says:

      Hmmm interesting , ironically we were split up last year at his birthday and when we got back together , afterwards . I never heard the end of how he couldn’t believe that I didn’t even text him on his birthday

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Ah now that is a wonderful example of how at the time of his missed birthday he probably didn’t give two hoots about you getting in touch but when you did get back together he used it as an opportunity to take a pot shot at you. Black is white save when it is orange.

        1. Lisa says:

          Well HG this just goes to show how I am still not understanding this , I would have thought he would want the attention like a big baby on his birthday and hope that I would use it as an excuse to contact so he could either continue to string me along or ignore me. There’s nothing he likes better than me being the one to reach out , therefore we are back together but I am accepting of all of his terms , after all , I was the one that contacted him !!!!!

      2. Cody says:

        Hi Lisa. I can’t remember the name of the post (help, HG?) but HG definitely addresses this very subject (birthdays and holidays) and perhaps he would be so kind as to repost for your and everyone’s benefit?
        It made no sense to me either – a person all about “me” should WANT us to be bowing down to him on his birthday, right? Wrong, as it turns out. The pleasure of denying us the opportunity to celebrate their special day is too great. And then, as a bonus, they get to whine after the fact about how we missed it or we didn’t do enough.
        I have a background in event planning and there are few things that give me greater joy than planning a beautiful celebration for the people I love. I always cater it to what I know the person will enjoy and always spend a lot of time picking out just the right gift and just the right meal and/or cake. This makes me so happy. I would guess the same is true for many of us empaths. So when earlier this year I made a huge life change just in time to celebrate G’s birthday, you can imagine how it turned out. 🙁
        No, it doesn’t make sense, and yes, I can understand why you don’t understand, but keep reading HG and you will eventually be able to “get” narc-logic.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is Unhappy Birthday and there is more on this in Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With a Narcissist. Good post Cody.

        2. Lisa says:

          Cody and HG thanks I shall read both . Cody that makes sense now, the way you’ve described it . I know he doesn’t want to spend it with me that’s for sure.

        3. Lisa says:

          Cody have just read it, yes makes sense I guess, in another universe ha ha . Well we have always been split up around both our birthdays mine is next month. He does something with his guy friends (he’s very adolescent ). No matter what they do it won’t be exciting enough so he will have a sulk about that. Yes I understand I’m irrelevant but it’s nice to know from HG’s post that the focus is on the people that don’t bother about them on their birthday ha ha . Mine is such a child though really like a toddler at times . And he likes to store things up , who did or didn’t text him . Absolute nightmare

      3. Clary says:


  22. Lisa says:

    HG it’s my ex N’s birthday this week. We have been split for 3 months and no contact . Do you think he will notice that he will notice when I ignore his birthday ? Or do you think he’s too busy having a good time ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I suspect he will be too busy enjoying himself with new attractions to care whether you notice or not. If anything, he may apply a little hoover to remind you that it is his birthday. This isn’t because he is wounded you have not noticed but rather as an excuse to remind you of him and what you no longer have.

      1. steeviann says:

        He told me he wanted to be with me on his birthday and content. I think not!

      2. Clary says:

        Hahahaaaaaa like he’s worth it yeah right he’s probably just a pig oink oink if he does t like her he misses it of course he doesn’t he’s a narc partially agree with you Tudor but if she established no contact he might Hoover her for that men do love to be noticed and praised during the course of their previous birthday because like every narc all the attention is to them unless he has a twin then the twins get to share the attention mine is a codependent twin bad combination ouch yuck

    2. Clary says:

      First of all my condolences o his birthday to you and if you establish no contact he will certainly know his reaction after that abs you’re fight to it it’s what matters igniting him completely like yes right next to you like a ghost you can’t see us you’re best weapon embargo yourself with self esteem and assertiveness and determination and this will be easier to do this day will be significantly hard because it’s a special day which are the hardest is healthier for you no contact at all like he describes if there’s any hint of codependence towards your part strap yourself to a wall and throw your phone farthest way possible and think of unicorns all day… No in just kidding it takes a person with a lot if free gutting will to do so and personal strength specially if you’re addicted to this person but if it helps remind yourself of all the terrible things he did to you I. The last to destroy you and kill you if he did don’t let self dis encouragement and lack of confidence kills your dignity be assertive and gain self esteem by saying no guard yourself with all your female rights and okay I will survive all day long toodlio hope it helped greetings clary

  23. HG, I think you must be my favourite narcissist. You write more eloquently than Sam Vaknin.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Oscar Dandelion thank you very much. How do we get from “think” to “know” ?!

      1. I think I would have to read more from you to get to an absolute ‘know’ 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Then I invite you to do so and I look forward to hearing more from you. Don’t let a breeze blow you away.

      2. Clary says:

        Hahahaaaaaa ph please humble much tsk tal tsk

    2. steeviann says:

      Doesn’t he though. I bet he looks like prince charming too.

      1. Clary says:

        Hahahaaaaaa totally nailed it steeviann

    3. Clary says:

      Because he’s very articulate and good with words and he has a passion for writing with In the case that he’s genuinely interested in expanding this talent an immense increments in room for vocabulary search and knowledge and aquirements through reading and a very good dictionary and writing helps to develope this talent because it’s necessary to mold this elocuency not only that what he says somewhat makes sense which is good and I like that in a person I don’t like to be driven crazy with things that subtitle sense from a facts yoga point of view which is quite often In narcicist no offense Tudor I’m not talking about you I’m talking about other brethren uneducated in vocabulary range and is necessary , also he’s British of a high class socially speaking so he must probably does must speak this way I’m certain at least in his job but he’s pretty lose with us . Goodnight Tudor no I’m not going to sleep its six o’clock here I’m just saying goodnight being nice

      1. Clary says:

        I meant to say quite again autocorrect beats the words out if me HATE IT I don’t like to be driven crazy with things that don’t make sense from fantasial facts fabricated in their mind in accuracy and accordance with reality don’t violate rate because they made it up
        Like canned food soup and canned tv shows like soap operas . Tudor I bet you’re getting a lot if fuel from this complement I’m not saying you’re the greatest I’ll never will God to me is the greatest but I am complimenting you in a positive healthy way I’m just doing good always have always will in a do good machine that’s probably MY BEST FEATURE AMONGST OTHERS ABD I LOVE IT

  24. “Only the great have the ability to say no”, you claim. A two year old maybe thinks he is great saying “No”. In Holland we have a saying about two year olds: “Ik ben twee en ik zeg nee” (I am two and I say no). With his “no saying” the toddler entries the real world and becomes an individual person, breaking loose from his mother. Stubborn and mad he refuses everything, even the things he likes.

    “Do you want an icecream?”


    Is this the same with the narc? My narc neighbour likes horsebackriding, but is very keen on thank me “no”, when I invite him on a tour. Now I probably know why… Sadly for him that I don’t care…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ineke and thank you for your message. We use no to flex our muscles. We use it demonstrate our power and control by telling people no. This is what your N neighbour is doing when he refuses your kind offer. He probably does want to join you on a tour but he wanted to suggest it first and since you did so, he feels criticised and therefore responds by stating no. I do like the Dutch saying. I think it could be adopted for my kind so it reads ” I am too important and I say no.”
      How did you establish that your neighbour is a narcissist?

      1. steeviann says:

        HG I offered my Narc to join me in Stockholm. No obligations and he would stay for free at this amazing Hotel Grand Stockholm. (I know his finances) he only had to pay to get there which he can do.
        Bottom line, I don’t think he is attracted to me although he says he is. He likes smaller, petite blondes or Asians. I guess his penis looks bigger in the smaller hands. OH THAT WAS MEAN.
        I am 5’6″ @ 138 curvey, muscular woman with dark hair. He always tells me to loose weight. I can bench 75 lbs, which is very good for my age/condition. He busts my ass all the time on my body. 37-30-37 FUCK HIM! Sorry I can’t be a fucking little troll with little fucking hands so your 5 inches looks bigger! AHHHHH That felt so good!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          We seem to be spilling some fuel over here! I felt the seething anger here Steeviann.
          By the way, your second paragraph ought to have read
          “Bottom line I don’t think he is attracted to my fuel although he says he is. He likes fuel from smaller petite blondes or fuel from Asians.”

          1. steeviann says:

            So sex is fuel too? I asked if he liked the physical contact and he said he loves it, needs it.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Sex is a weapon. Read Sex and the Narcissist.

          3. steeviann says:

            I think I have that book too.
            Does this blog help you with the journey of healing to become whole?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            This blog provides me with several things.

          5. steeviann says:

            Oh HG, let’s not dance today with words. Come with the goods. Can I get a few AMENS? Don’t keep me guessing.

            If you come to the States to lecture. I am coming to meet you in person. Also I think you should do a TEDtalk.
            Do you have a agent? 😉

          6. HG Tudor says:

            A TED talk has been mentioned. I am in discussions with a voice over agent at present but for everything else, just see me.

      2. I would like explaining it to you, but because it´s very private, not on a open forum. He happened to land in my bedroom once…;)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Understood. You can e-mail me at

      3. Clary says:

        Tudor good luck with your friend TED send him my regards and a hello you have my full support 👍

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha thank you Clary.

      4. Thank you for your reply, HG. I am new on your blog and find it very inspiring. I would like to tell you about my neighbour, but it´s quite a long story and not suitable for an open site. Who knows who know him…must keep a little integrity.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Feel free to e-mail me, Ineke, at and I look forward to reading more.

    2. steeviann says:

      so spot on.

  25. Miss_stress says:

    I never LOST my power to say NO. No matter how much I was verbally or physically abused for asserting my right to use it. I have declined to use the word, in instances where I felt obligated to another’s whim of will, for the sake of their own need. But, having since utilized the word to my own benefit with those who deem to repress my rights. I no longer decline to say NO for the sake of another. NO. Is my right. By using it, I remove expectation others Place on me. Showing that I respect my rights, even if you do not.
    If I do not say No. Then realize that is my choice, as well.
    No. No thank you. NO, not now. NO, I will not. NO, I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way. No, never again…Is a YES! to me.

    Thorough and well explained article HG. You help put the empowering NO in knowledge.

    1. steeviann says:

      My counter starts today with a NO! I will not talk to him.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Climb in the good ship HMS No Contact, built from logic and understanding and set sail across that emotional sea.

        1. steeviann says:

          I have your book NO CONTACT! Tell that to my flipping brain. This has become habit. Addiction to the need for him to just be nice to me.
          My trainer said I was doing great and then I picked up the phone and he sees the low energy. I need 48hours plus under my belt. So I will be posting and venting on you HG! I am going to drink the damn peppermint tea myself!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Fill your boots Steeviann.

          2. steeviann says:

            Thanks HG. I knew you would be there. Getting the fuel and watching as I melt down.

      2. Miss_stress says:

        Ignore texts and calls….I had to start again too. I binned his email yesterday and never replied.

        1. steeviann says:


          1. Miss_stress says:

            Thank you Steeviann, I appreciate that offer, I will. I plan to ignore and avoid.

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