Secrets

Image result for picture of man in vault

 

 

Do you remember when you were at school and your friends all appeared to know something that you did not? They gave each other knowing looks, made sideways references to “this thing” and smiled and giggled. Unsettling wasn’t it? You asked them to tell you, you pleaded and you may even have become upset or angry, threatening your friends with some repercussion if they did not tell you what it was that they knew. Usually it was nothing. Just a device devised to play a game with you, to provoke a reaction, to cause you to react and it worked. Then you were in on the secret and you could join in and play it against the next unsuspecting individual. Nevertheless, you did not like that sensation of not knowing did you? Few people do. How many times when someone has gone missing, have anguished people declared,

“It’s the not knowing which really gets to you.”

The apprehension you experience when you wait to receive your examination results. You know you studied hard during the year, carried out the revision in the right way and you felt the examination went well, but you can never be sure can you, it is the lack of knowing which gnaws away at you until you receive the result.

Waiting for some test results concerning your health causes anxiety and concern. Even if it is bad news, once you have those results you can then take action, make plans and formulate a way forward but whilst you do not know, you are stuck, paralysed and frozen. It is an unpleasant sensation at best and an utterly debilitating one at worst.

You do not like secrets. We thrive on them.

So much of what we are is a secret. We are like a series of chests, compartments and vaults in which various secrets have been placed. Some have been placed there with the intention of never being revealed, either to you or even to ourselves. Others are those secrets about what we really are or what we actually do and we close the lid, slam the door shut and turn the key in the hope that you do not find them out and expose us for what we truly are. We do not want you to find out that the honey-coated façade is just that as you open a dark box and find the full horror of our true behaviour lurking inside. The past behaviours and historic actions are consigned into the depths of archive storage to prevent you from knowing what we really did to our ex-partner, what was said to our brother that has meant we have not spoken in ten years or the catalogue of infidelities that we engaged in. If you were ever allowed admission to those dark corridors you would pass the vaults, chests and caskets into which the secrets of our kind have been placed. Wife-beater, alcoholic, smack head, fraudster, closet homosexual, expenses fiddler, serial cheater, elder abuser, fence, conman, contemptor of court, distant parent, liar, convict, tax fraud, cross-dresser, sexual degenerate and so much more besides. Many secrets, some which you may eventually look upon, so many you may never know about. So many secrets hidden away, pushed into the recesses, concealed and secreted so that prying eyes do not learn the truth of what we say and do.

Yet, our secrecy goes further than that. We delight in letting you know that we have some kind of secret in order to exert control over you. We revel in giving you a glimpse of something but then pulling it from view. We engage in half-comments, low whispers and veiled comments in order to pique your interest but then we relish withholding the full tale. We take pleasure in these insignificant mysteries that cause you to question and probe. After all, we do know how you behaved when you were so much younger and how the sensation of not being able to know troubles you. It troubles you and your kind more than others. Like the older boy at school, we have snatched your lunch money and now hold it above your head, almost in reach as you hop and jump, frustration increasing as you attempt to recover it. You want to get hold of what it is that we know so you can satisfy your own need to know. We recognise this and therefore engage in the playing of games where we suggest, hint, partially reveal and allude to so that your interest is gained. We tease as we make oblique references to something in the expectation that you will bite. We will sit staring into space, cultivating the appearance of depth and intrigue as you observe us and wonder what we are thinking about. You will of course ask and we will give you some cryptic response which as you pondering and probing further. Whatever we told you is nothing to do with what we were actually thinking about. We may have been admiring the view from the window, we might have been wondering how the match would turn out and most likely we were considering which of the growing stable of prospects to message next. Instead we will trot out some comment or line which gives the appearance of us being pre-occupied with some weighty matter, something possibly beyond the wit of you, something which makes us appear mysterious and heavyweight. The intrigue adds to the allure but it also plays to your desire to need. The keeping back of information, the withholding of knowledge, the cloak and dagger routine is all part of the act. The true secrets will never be revealed to you. The secret we allude to is non-existent. It is just a device to control you. It is a means of keeping you bound to us, asking, wondering and probing. The half-answers and titbits are there to confuse, bewilder and cause your anxiety. The mysterious murmurs, the ponderous gaze and the comments to ourselves which you can only partially hear are mere ruses. They are to give us the appearance of depth when it is lacking. The creation of so many apparent secrets is to keep you away from the real secrets by leading you in a different direction and to make us appear deep and of substance. We look to snatch your consideration and scrutiny and make it belong to us instead.

The playing of secrecy continues after the cessation of our formal relationship. Always when you have been discarded and often even when you escape, how many times are your night bedfellows not some other person but the ghosting questions of how, what, why, when and where? You are given no answers as to what has happened and this is when the secrecy takes on the greatest significance as we have entered you into the maze where you try to find a way through it in order to understand how we could have done what we did, what on earth happened to you, why did we do those things, when will we come back and where did it all go wrong? We condition you throughout your dance with us to be intrigued by us, to wonder, to speculate, to pontificate and so forth so that it builds and builds until when we cast you to one side you can do nothing but keep wanting to learn our secrets, to open those doors, to slide back the bolts and open the portals, to raise the lids and lift the covers. This keeps you coming back to us, it keeps you hanging on in the hope that one day there will be a momentous reveal and it will all make sense. You wait in the expectation that all the secrets of this person that you still love will be revealed to you. But it never happens. Not by him or her. The unmasking comes from another place.

It is now no secret that you have the key to the narcissistic universe in your hands now.

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76 thoughts on “Secrets”

  1. Fascinating. I’ve always wondered this. I think I’ve tried to play the secret game back, and I do get a rise haha, from my ex narc husband, even though now I can laugh after ten years of secrets, and still haven’t gotten to the bottom of any of it. Hmm

  2. Secrets are bound to be kept. Girls hated me with a passion bc i took the term “dont tell anyone” seriously. They wanted me to tell someone and pass the note on. People still do this. Pissed off bc i wont spill the secret. I keep mine buried. I will keep yours too if you tell me. You will never tell and I’m perfectly okay with that.

      1. Yes. True riddle. It’s funnyish. I’ve told you more in two months than I have most people in a lifetime. It’s unsettling.

  3. Ok closet homosexual Tudor? Explain thank you for your heads up still love your writing I’m a fan of writing specially poetry though ironically I hate to read books only what interests me not the concept of reading per se and yes my favorite writer Pablo Neruda poetry my fav but that is a buffers secrt don’t want me wrong. Knowing GIR an unexpected Hoover distasteful

  4. The thought of my suspicions that he could be a closet homosexual is very disturbing. I asked him and he denies it but not with conviction. I have nothing against a man who wants to be with other men, but let me have the choice if I still want you to touch me. I think if I ever knew for sure he was, I would have to kick him so hard in his ball sac that his man friend would have a hard time finding them.

    1. Sorry Stevianne I know I shouldn’t but I laughed out loud at the ball sac comment …
      Ex loved his nuts punched & stamped on . It just brought the image back lol
      How are you ?? x

      1. Really? Your ex was into pain. Sick bastard.

        I am well my Dear. I leave for Stockholm on Monday! I am excited. You are welcomed to join me.
        How are you. I see our favorite Narc (HG) is still giving us some great reads. Gotta love this crazy man.

        1. Hahah Thank you Clarece & Steeviann

          It was more a matter of avoiding conflict & in some twisted way seeing him in pain that I’d inflicted made me feel good .. my way of getting him back for all the times he’d hit me. The number of times I did the” opps” sorry I didn’t mean to kick you that hard ( when I actually did !! 🙂 ) .

          Stockholm sounds lovely Steeviann have a fab time x

          1. Hmmm, I think I could stomach giving a few round kicks to the family “jewels” on mine for breaking my heart.

    2. Does he have a glassy princess’s look in his eye? And he’s too feminine in unexpected reactions to unexpected genuine questions? Then he is no matter how abusive that’s a clear sign of homosexuality in all forms specially princess lol in his eye the look of a woman the expression in his eyes us the sane of a woman then he’s officially gay no matter how much he denies it and dies denying it eventually he’ll come out as they all do and become the true flaming homosexual he is

    3. LOL. Steeviann. I sometimes come back to old posts as a yardstick to measure my progress. I was talking to my best friend today. She hasn’t seen her exN in over a year but still keeps in contact with one of his aunts and uncles. She will be in his possible physical proximity this week (her choice and I don’t like it but her choice). Out of the blue his uncle tells my best that some guy transported some of her ex’s stuff to uncle’s house. He said to uncle not knowing they were related, ” Dude I just picked these up from was totally sizing me up. Creepy.” Uncle asked best if she got those feelings. She didn’t but had the same reaction as you. I’m glad I looked back at this one. I keep telling her about this site and the solidarity.

      1. 1J1

        He called me at 3 AM his time today, midnight my time. I did not pick up. The call was from a house phone so I know he was at his shore house.
        He was coming to spend Thanksgiving with me and played his game and told him he lost the honor of my friendship. Done! So done.
        He creeps me out. I find the thought of him repulsive. Other then this, no feelings no attachment to him.
        As HG puts F.R.E.E.
        Only one Narc in my life and it is my blogging buddy, HG. I am all his. 😉

    4. I agree about HG. Haha…the mean streak in me would have allowed your ex to travel across country…he assumed you would be there…and you decide you were spending Thanksgiving someplace else and be nowhere to be found. Ooops…wasted trip.

  5. The MN hates secrets too. In fact it drives him crazy. The thought of me or someone under his influence doing something he does not know about or is not involved with.

    He was disappointed when I left the watering hold early the other day as he is still in Hoover mode. I said I had to be somewhere, which drove him crazy. He persisted, eventually i smiled and told him I had to go into London and had to be there by a certain time.

    He was desperate to know where and who with but I just smiled and said ‘oh just something I need to do’ he got so annoyed at this and then accused me of living a whole secret life.

    I was only going to pick something up from eBay !!

    How do you think it made him feel HG ?

    1. It will have wounded him because you have criticised him by suggesting that he was not good enough to know about what you are doing.

      1. Haha that’s funny!!

        I’d loved to have known what was going through his head a couple of years ago when I went NC.

        I completely cut off everyone from the watering hole and all means of anyone being able to contact me.

        When I returned a few months later. There were all sorts of rumours that I was some sort of spy. I think because I never really told people what I did for work and kept a lot of things to myself. Coupled with the fact that the majority of people there are PD in some form so love conspiracy theories. Oh and also because I never showed any outward signs of being upset or unhappy, not even to the MN. I just found the whole spy thing all rather amusing !

        1. They are bound to have thought that you are a spy Alexis,the rampant paranoia, innate wariness and prevalent distrust sees to that. I find this watering hole very interesting. It is a pub or a bar isn’t it? Is it part of another organisation, like an on-site bar for say the civil service by way of example?

  6. HG

    I got myself in a very bad situation. As if I hadn’t had enough with ex. So annoyed with myself. I promised myself to not go near A man but I couldn’t resist my boss when he showed interest . We have been working together for two years and I spoke to him a few times about my ex. And he always seemed to have given genuine advice hence when he asked for my personal phone number I didn’t hesitate. I thought knowing what I went through with ex , he will be understanding and friendly . Only to find out after 6 weeks he is another Narc. I don’t know if he knows that I m understanding his inconsistencies and weird behaviour . Obviously thanks to ex and thanks to your blog that I know . But HG what do I do when it is my boss?? How can I escape ? I’m kicking myself for being so desparate that I got involved with him . He gets very angry if I ignore him and one occasion he pretended to be victim with a group of work mates where in fact he had wronged me. I managed to clear the miss understanding he created at that time . But worried how will I deal in future ?? Any advice ? Plz

    1. Hello FA, it is not a surprise that you have been ensnared by another, it is common. I have a few questions which will put me in a better position to comment on your situation.
      1. How do you know he is a narcissist?
      2. Would you say that you are engaged in an intimate relationship with him? Or is more a case of friends or is it still master and servant with him taking a personal interest in you?
      3. What is the hierarchy in terms of your work? Is he your direct line manager or the overall boss? Is he the MD or in partnership with other people. Perhaps you could explain this further.

    1. I asked because if you had read Fuel you wouldn’t have needed to ask the question. The amount of fuel I derive from this blog is low. This is because the proximity of supply is all remote strangers. I do not know anybody who interacts with me here, yes I know their stories, their idiosyncrasies, their attributes and with some of the longer-standing contributors I know something of their lives as well, but I do not know them as individuals and I have never met anybody here. This means that the fuel supplied by them is low. If an outer circle friend visited me and praised my latest achievement that would provide me with far more fuel. The reasons for this are expanded in Fuel. I have always admitted I gain some fuel but it is nowhere near what I gain through my daily interactions with my other sources. I conduct this blog because I love writing, it was suggested as part of my ongoing treatment (which I am obliged to tackle) to increase my awareness and understanding (which it has) and I take considerable pleasure in telling people just how my kind think and behave. I also enjoy the interaction with people here because the readers and contributors are intelligent, interesting and entertaining people who are committed to wanting to know more, post their own observations and experiences which I like to read to increase my knowledge and they provide their own theories, insights also, some of which challenge me, which also is of interest to me. Thank you for asking the question and I look forward to your further observations and queries.

      1. Oh thank you for the complements dear this is a side of you I’ve never seen before I do love more than anything to be complemented on my intelligence for I am a genius and it is my pleasure in being complemented totally accepted you’ve officially made my night gnight , cause it’s s horrible day for me today three years and nine months ago my beloved torture torment left me goodnight everybody pleasant dreams

      2. Hahah HG .

        It’s a long time since I’ve been called ” intelligent, interesting and entertaining ” in the same sentence, you’re such a charmer . !!

        I like it !! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    1. In the sense that I want to have sex with myself or in the sense that I want to have sex with someone because I haven’t before and then my interest wanes?

  7. Having read your books, H.G., I have no desire to speak, see, or have anything to do with my narc; don’t have any desire to know how he’s doing, what he’s doing, or who he’s doing it with; blocked him from my cell phone, don’t answer my office phone when he calls (thank God for caller ID!), and not respond to any of his e-mails. I have been narc-free for 2.5 years. When I started setting boundaries and enforcing them, I knew one of two things will happen – he will either change his behavior or he leaves the relationship. Either way, it’s a win-win for me. He did me a favor and left. He’s been trying to hoover me ever since, but God has strengthened my resolve to not allow him in my life to hurt me again. He unexpectedly turned up at my doorstep a few times and it gave me great satisfaction to tell him that when he took a hike, he lost his privilege to enter my sanctuary and told him to keep on walking. I did have a lot of questions on what went wrong with something that seemed so promising, but I wasn’t about to open that door again by calling him and doing a CSI on the relationship. Who knew that God was going to lead me to your blog to answer my numerous questions?! God is good and always delivers!

    1. Thank you for reading Ann and you have seized the power. You have adopted the correct approaches to keep him at bay and have even managed to get your need to know under control as well. You are very much in the driving seat. As I wrote recently, sometimes you need a wrongdoer to show you that you are doing wrong.

  8. This is a true, on-going struggle with me in that I’m honest and open to a fault with the people I care about. But, after being schooled here, I know to make the conscious effort with new people, if you dangle information but withdraw after me showing interest in asking once or twice and don’t divulge, I’ll be right with you in letting the momentum die and moving on.

    1. It`s true, isn`t it, Nikita. We all have secrets and skeletons in the closet.

      I`ll tell you mine, if you tell me yours. 😉

      I hope you are having a lovely day, sweet one. <3

      1. Thanks alot for your nice message ❤️. I dont really have a secret but its a tweet I often read and made me think about and yes I realize some people do keep secrets of something they did in the past but grew past..
        Let me think what can be my secret.
        Hmmm I cant really think about because its true I was ” l’enfant terrible” , to my misfortune I always got caught 😂😂😂.. But I will thinl about it and if I come up with something I will let you lnow. Now your turn LOL… I know you feel cheated.. But its not my fault if I have no interesting secret to tell Lol. Have a lovely day too 🌷🌷💝

        1. It`s hard for me to picture you as l`enfant terrible, Nikita, because you are so sweet and loving here on the blog.

          Then again, it`s not fair for me to say that since I don`t know you at all in real life.

          I find it exciting to think you have a rebellious, naughty side to you.

          You never cease to surprise me, Nikita. Thank you for being you. 🙂

          1. Thanks again for your message. I was not doing really naughty things but rather funny but yes some could have been seen as naughty. Like ordering pizza for the neighbor 😂😂 without that he knew about it. Was like until the age of 10 or so. Or with my friends making calls at 3 am with the phone book to people we did not know, cutting class, pasting gum on the doorbells of my neighbors and running away, playing ouija during english class where we wished the spirit to let the glasses of the teacher fall down and break. She found the paper.. Those sort of things. 😂😂.
            I can be rebellious towards unfairness yes.., but you are right when you say its difficult to think about that as I evoluted in a totally different person. People dojt believe me when I tell those stories .
            Thamks to you also for being you. Your strnghth amd directness taught me something.

  9. I actually grew up in a household of secrets. At age 8, my mother pulled me aside & said, “Your grandmother is dying of cancer and she doesn’t know…don’t tell her.” At ten, my grandfather insisted I keep what he did to me that summer a secret from everyone.

    I got good at keeping secrets & I can lean in and offer to “tell you a secret” in a way that makes you feel like you’re my new best friend, lover, and co-conspirator. But I never give away all my secrets, I always keep something back.

    1. My God, your family seemed to thrive on such toxic dysfunction. I’m so sorry you had to fear for your physical safety and never had anyone to turn to. My daughter is 10 now, so I guess that makes me hyper sensitive to what you had to endure.

  10. Those secrets… yes its true. I always had the impression of mysteriousness with my exes.. and all of them, so its a common trait.
    But never anything got unmasked so I think it was just pretending to be secret.

      1. Educated guess. I don’t buy that you’re doing it as a part of therapy, you’re doing it for fuel. It’s obviously enough for you to keep coming back at a (very) frequent interval and enough for you to put in the effort and time to write more, the writing is quite good so you probably take some time to think it over as well. You get some fuel from the stories posted of (ex) victims. This provides you with a pool of (ex) victims you can lure in to get more if your pool in real life thins out. You get some fuel from being a famous blogger, you get some from knowing you’re good enough to make money off it.

        So far my guess. Let’s see the answer 🙂

      2. I think you get as much as you want from us. I also think that you get more from some posts at times and not as much from others. It depends on what we respond and what words we use. It is, you are, a moving target.
        You do know how much you are admired here for many reasons. My admiration for you is because you acknowledge each one of us. I can’t speak for others but I feel safe to say that without your books and this blog. I still would be messing up my botox with crying.

        You are loved HG

        1. Thank you for your observations Steeviann and also your kind comments about my books and blog. Thank you for your love, I need it.

  11. Secrets and Lies. Heart of desperation feeds bad dog. Good Dogs needs feeding to keep from fighting one another. The dog that wins the day is whomever is fed the most. So, should I feed my good dog and secretly feed my bad? I know what you are. Throw me a bone master.

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