The Five Fears of the Narcissist

1. You will leave

You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are,Β  you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.

2. I am ignored

There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.

3. I am exposed

Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.

4. I grow weary

I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.

5. The creature escapes

What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..

83 thoughts on “The Five Fears of the Narcissist

  1. shipwreck says:

    Is it true that he doesn’t really love me? He is a religious covert narc who believes that he loves and cares more than other people, yet he is abusive to me when angry and most days anyway spits out hate speeches against most of society as if I am to blame. Yet he claims to love me, we were meant to be etc. It’s like living with 2 different people. I never believed people before when they said that his dark side was the real him, I always thought the nice one just had issues. Can he really be devoid of love? Really?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Shipwreck, he believes he loves you but he does not, not in the way you understand love to be. It is hard to comprehend but it is the reality.

  2. Gem says:

    I almost feel compassion for the narcissists, for narcissists in general, reading this. But that feeling passes and I don’t care.
    In the case of the narc and I, my empathy got drained, there’s no more left. I have empathy for myself. It is not my problem to fix anymore. Besides the narcissist will always find many alternative sources of fuel from others, so I am not needed in that respect. I did care, I did love but it all just got sucked and stamped out of me till all that’s left is, ‘I don’t care’.

  3. nikitalondon says:

    Wow this thread is worth all rereading

    1. HG Tudor says:

      But of course it is Nikta!

      1. nikitalondon says:

        I am at work … But just wow.. I had missed some messages and now see I will read from beginning to end..
        I see lots of new people any lots of interesting comments.. Very sad situations… I put myself in the shoes to comment but I am afraid not to say the appropriate thing … Not knowing the total background.. The story of Alex so detailed and sequential.. Is heartbreaking 😰😰 same as all the others here.. Maybe its because he is new… 😒… Painful..

  4. Janine Gibson says:

    I have been controlled and manipulated by a narcissist for nearly 20 years, married to him for 13 years. It took seeing the affects of his abuse through the eyes of our 6 year old daughter for me to have the strength to escape. I cut off his supply. Ignored the abusive texts, ignored the heartfelt pleas and even the threats of suicide. It all came to a head when he kidnapped our daughter, abused me physically and was arrested. Since then I have faced him in both criminal and family court fighting for justice but even these avenues he has been able to manipulate and has received very little retribution. He has now found another source but still seeks retaliation on me. Will this ever end? Will I ever be free? What will it take for me and my daughter to break free completely? I feel he will drag this on through the court system to punish me. I also fear that if I was to move on and be with another that my safety would be at risk. How can I break free of the narcissist??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Janine, I have written before that in our minds we never let you go but there is much you can do to bring about the effect of having gotten rid of us. Apply No Contact (or if you are unable to achieve that owing to your daughter) minimise all potential instances for contact to occur, keep to one channel of communication and ensure it is done fuel free. Read Escape, No Contact and Fuel for more assistance and understanding. You need to stay out of his spheres of influence and not provide fuel so he looks to obtain fuel from another source (see Black Hole). You can build your defences and make life harder for him to gain fuel from you and so he has to get it elsewhere meaning he is more likely to leave you alone. It may not be total but it will a significant reduction. If you consider that your safety is at risk you need to inform law enforcement or take legal advice concerning an injunction etc. You can break free by building your defences and the purging him from inside you so you no longer react. Thus he will be less inclined to manipulate you and if he tries he will get next to nothing from you, which will in turn mean he is even less likely to want to bother you.

  5. If you don’t mind me asking, would it wound a narcissist’s ego more to block their texts totally or to read it (they know from the read receipt) and then ignore it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Block them. If we know you have read it we can still derive Thought Fuel from the anticipated reaction we know that you will provide based on how you have behaved in the past.

      1. Thank you. I didn’t realise that Thought Fuel was even a thing. I’ve read several of your books this weekend and they’ve helped immensely.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for reading and I am pleased you have found them helpful, please do post reviews on Amazon and spread the word.

  6. Another Cara says:

    Question for you, HG. Scenario: I ask a narcissist multiple times to do something (dinner, movie, etc) and she future fakes me by saying not now but later. I finally invite her and say it’s the last time I’ll ask. I’ll stop asking if it’s no. Does she interpret that as leaving/abandonment? Would it trigger a smear csmpaign?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends how it is said. If you say it angrily or in exasperation she will regard it as fuel. She may also recognise there is substance in the threat and she would then either decide to engage a preventative hoover to stop the dis-engagement or if she wants rid of you, she may decide to further the manipulative behaviour and would embark on a smear campaign before discarding you.
      If your comment is said in a neutral manner then it will be seen as a criticism. He fury will be ignited and you may well find her lashing out at you and engaging in a smear campaign as well.

  7. apocalipznow says:

    Can you elaborate on #5? Without going into a coma, I mean. What happens? What does Number 5 think of you? What does it say to you? Does it flash all your targets/victims in your face? What does it think of your behaviour? Or is number 5 disappointed that you had the audacity to let it escape?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Number five is the reminder of that which we do not wish to contemplate. A reminder of the weaknesses that we do not regard as applicable to us. It is not a general judgement of how we behave now in terms of the treatment of others but it will reference that in part to the past. It is rather a reminder of that which we seek to escape from. Yes, part of that would be the mocking that it has escaped I should imagine because it will remind us of weakness.

  8. Really interesting reading. I’ve often wondered if ignoring my ex really has any impact. I ignore any texts, I walk past him blankly in the street. I refuse to acknowledge his existence after he discarded me and our young daughter. He still tries to elicit a response but I refuse to give one. I hope he gives up!

  9. Indy says:

    oh, I still wonder why I cannot hit “like” on posts. There are lots of great comments, shared experiences, etc….what a great group of people.

    1. Poetic_Me says:

      I still have Reply issues..Indy, I solved some of my issues by directly reading and replying to blog via WordPress reader….try it and see if it helps with likes and replies.

  10. 1jaded1 says:

    You can conquer the beast. You are the best at everything. You will hate me more, but I had to leave…I would have died at his hands and I promised never again. It took too long to leave him. I met you though bc I left and he didn’t kill me, so maybe good for me and not so good for you…People know what you are and they dread interacting with you; however, they don’t fear you. They don’t admire you or love you…of course I can’t see into their brains. What if you lose the powers of abuse? You were on the receiving end of its hand. Why wouldn’t you toss that power to abuse knowing how you felt? You are better than that. The creature can sit and spin on my middle finger. I give it permission. It has ZERO power over me.

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      People would love the real you. Not the abusive you…I’m sticking my foot deeper into my esophagus…trachea or someplace in that region.

  11. Alex Zangriles says:

    What happens if your supply gets you first, unintentionally(for instance they cheat on you before you can do it to them bc they can no longer take your insufficient “love”)? Can the monster inside get worse or better depending on the circumstances of your life? Does this make you want to discard the supply or hold on even tighter and keep them trapped forever?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Alex, it is very rare for this to happen. Why? Firstly, the people we choose as our victims are not ones which have a propensity towards infidelity. Secondly, the people we target are more likely to want to fix their relationship with us rather than go elsewhere. Thirdly, our infidelity usually arises during devaluation and therefore we will not have given you any reason to want to go elsewhere before we do. Consequently the likelihood of you cheating on us first is very rare. Of course there will be limited exceptions (perhaps another narcissist comes sniffing around you and lures you away). If this happens and you are unfaithful to us and we know about it this will ignite our rage. The response depends on the type of narcissist. The Lesser will lash out, hurt you and probably kick you out and immediately hunt down a new primary source very quickly. The Mid-Range will feel sorry for himself, apply a silent treatment and expect you to come begging back as he relies on fuel from supplementary sources in the meanwhile. The Greater will charm you back into the relationship with a promise to change, false contrition so that you remain in place and provide fuel. He will then secure a different primary source and make your life hell to punish you for this almighty criticism in seeking solace in the arms of another.

      1. Alex Zangriles says:

        Well then HG, I have no clue what type of narc my ex is then bc he did ALL three of those things in that order.
        Lesser -When he found out he went into a rage, kicked me out for a week, brought me back home, gave me the silent treatment for a couple weeks then started an affair with new supply that he kept quiet for awhile then purposly told me about and left giving me the silent treatment for months.
        Mid – In reaction I did beg and plead to save us and our marriage and when he finally did return I doted him, loved him, and like a big child he ate it up for months constantly reminding me of the pain I caused. Going into these modes of extreme hatred to intense “love”. At the time I thought these were normal reactions to an affair and purhaps some of them were. It wasn’t until after we divorced(he secured a new fuel line, left me, and asked for a divorce) and he kept trying to lure me back with promises (Greater) literally like clockwork every two months. And it seemed like he knew just when I was feeling down or lonely. The one time he almost got me was right before Christmas (2 years ago) when I ended it with someone else. I seriously think it wasn’t even a week later he was at my house begging for me to come back. I said I wasn’t ready at the time and a week later he proposed to his new fuel (by which he said he could hardly stand…hmmm)
        He continued hoovering me and trying to lure me, promising change, begging me, telling me how much he loved me and not really loving her. As I’ve mentioned a little in other posts, last summer he finally sucked me in for about a month (engaged at this time) then spit me out and went silent. Did it again last December, really got me this time. Even left his current wife (the scenario was your Married blog almost to a T and I was now the other woman). Golden for 4 months but then something changed(i now know exactly what it was but thats another story). He started the devauation phase but this time I wasn’t going to sit back and take it. I knew something wasn’t right with this man. When I began to question things (he was triangulating big time with me and wife fuel ) he turned the table, said he just couldn’t ever trust me again, didn’t know what was wrong with him…If I hadnt….he should never have…I deserve better…never mourned our marriage and gave his new one a chance. This time I kicked him out but believe it was only moments before he was going discard me…again. And that is why I’m here. For so long I thought my affair is what made him act like this. But now that I know about narcs I’ve looked back prior to the affair and all of the signs are there..just not as extreme as they have been the past few years. So I really don’t know what he is. At this point I guess it doesn’t matter. Just curious if the “type” can change based on life events.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The type does not change. Bear in mind that although Lessers are more prone to losing control and lashing out, it is not a reaction that is their sole preserve, it happens with Mid Range and Greaters as well. There will be instances where a Greater will decide that the ignited fury should be unleashed as heated fury in order to achieve an aim. Often this is done when nobody else is around (thus preserving the façade) and just the primary source is the recipient. The ignited fury of a Greater may be worse than that of a Lesser because of the calculated release involved. Mid-Range can also lose control although they are more likely to resort to cold fury. Based on the snippet you have provided he is not a Lesser, there is calculation involved beyond the basic. He may well be an upper mid-range.

        2. nikitalondon says:

          You really went through lots of abuse… Somehow your Story hurts .., I hope you are really recovered or on a good recovery way . β˜€οΈβ˜€οΈβ˜€οΈ

  12. Lisa says:

    Interesting that we have different views of the creature . If I look at my ex narc for example . His whole story is built around that he is a wounded commitment phobic now due to all the terrible girlfriends he’s had that have damaged him . Apparently he tells me he was normal once but is now damaged . He completely appears to believe this story . He’s a lesser to mid but may have more awareness than I give him credit for or maybe better at gaslighting than I give him credit for . So if he had to face the fact that this is all nonsense and it’s him that is the problem and he’s a liar a cheat an abuser and a user . Would that be the creature . Would he have to face that he is that horrible creature a person with no morals or regard for other living things , just an empty monster . It could be looked at that way for my narc as he would deny this to the death . But if he somehow was forced to face the reality of it , would he be able to cope . I doubt it . How do you live with the guilt of that if you have a conscious . Maybe that’s why it’s easier for them just to stay as they are and pretend to themselves until they die

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed he will believe it Lisa, it is reality for him. He would ever face it. As a lesser he would just instinctively deny, deflect and reject any suggestion that he is the one who lies and cheats. He will project,he will lash out, he will blame shift in order to ensure that it is you who is the problem and not him. He will respond as a knee jerk reaction. He would not have to face the creature because he does not even know that it exists.
      We don’t have a conscience. Guilt is alien to us.

      1. Lisa says:

        HG you say guilt is alien to you . I know this is probably lies but depending on the type of narc . Mine would say he always feels guilty . For example when we were talking about us breaking up again , he said again He always feels guilty and starts dissecting it all and feeling bad ” could this be true . In the way that he has failed yet again to have a normal relationship and he doesn’t care about the woman as an individual but cares that he is unable to have a normal relationship ? He has text me this . That’s it’s his inibility to have a normal relationship . Is this all gas lighting ? Also I keep reading that they don’t look back we are deleted and yet they come back ? Also mine spoke about all his exes constantly so they are by no means deleted . However I appreciate this was being done on purpose I guess . But he talks about them all constantly . They are all Harpies like yours HG 😜

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The guilt is a pity play. The exes are deleted in the immediate acquisition of a new primary source of fuel but are then reinstated for the purpose of triangulation and further manipulation. Yes they are harpies, I am glad you recognise that, I am most hard done to you know.

    2. Poetic_Me says:

      They have no conscience, no regret, they do not look back, only forward. I would say he uses that line about past girlfriends to justify being a. Commitment phobe and cheating, same way CN lied about being introverted to excuse his silent treatments , all a means to an end for them.

  13. CC says:

    I have heard that the “creature” is the fear of who you are, what you are, you keep the beast hidden from you, to allow the beast out is to break the illusion of how “special” you are, the beast will make you ordinary, like everybody else, the beast will take your power away, the beast will show you, your true form. Even as you are aware or claim to be aware HG, I do not believe you believe it, you actually see yourself just as you often describe, you actually see no need to change, you don’t see anything wrong with the way you live, and you do not feel bad for the hurt you have caused, you keep this creature away because you do not want to see the truth, and it’s more than that, I don’t think your psyche can even handle it, and so the creature will stay where he belongs, locked away hidden deeply….for as long as you breathe.

  14. Cathy says:

    So many of us are so in love with you HG, me included.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    2. Alice says:

      Well, I am not but I appreciate him because he is the first and only narcissist who doesn’t act as a narcissist- at least not with us, not in this blog. Instead, he is showing up genuinely here, sticking to rules (his 5 own rules, but at least he is sticking to them) and most importantly he is consistently treating us with respect!

    3. nikitalondon says:

      😍😍😍😍😍😍 yes

  15. Poetic_Me says:

    1. If so fearful we may leave then why test us so extensively with your own absences, especially when you know we suffer abandonment issues? Do you not even think that your silent treatment , where you physically absent yourself from us for months on end can result in a self fulfilling prophecy of us leaving, because you left us first? Or are the silences really an uncommunicated hope that we remain and and do not leave,?
    He referred to me as patient to remain and wait for him….like he expected I would leave and no longer want or love him. Or did he actually hope I would leave him, so he wouldn’t have to discard.? Can in answer that question for us HG?
    I think he is incapable of discard, based in things I observed.
    If we leave. We leave because you hurt us and ignored us for so long. Because YOU let us down.

    2. I never ignore, I never silence. Regardless of stranger or loved one. I do not what the spotlight, I abhor it, actually. I would think a NArcissist would know this of his chosen one before securing them as primary source? He ignored and silenced, nor did he seek the spotlight. He preferred to plot the background, I observed.

    3. Do Narcissists fear that nice we realize what they are, we will expose them to others? So they must then act against us see us as traitors? I never planned to expose him, I only wanted him to know I knew so he could know I accepted him As he is. He didn’t know what he was though, so acceptance was futile.

    4. So many what’s if’ s Hg? What if you simply were and existed as you are. With no questions? You stated you do not wish to stop many a time, that you are content in your role and life. So. The what if’ s are moot. What if you were happy? A foreign emotion, then what?

    5. What if someone can tame your creature, akin to a maiden and a Unicorn from age old lore? What if the Creature desired Someone, what then? Must you obey the creatures desire, when he becomes powerful within you? Or can copious amount of fuel subdue his desires? What if someone desired the Creature, then what? What if someone can see that deeply within you and appeases that which you must keep at bay? A weird question, but, I thought it and asked anyways.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. For Fuel and for control. Of course early on we do not believe you will leave but as time goes on and the further we push matters then the greater the risk becomes that you may decide that enough is enough and leave us.
      He described you as patient in order for you to thank him and thus he gains fuel from your response to his compliment. I doubt he hoped that you would leave because in his mind you belong to him anyway and he would just draw you back in.
      2. Again there is always a risk no matter how good the groundwork and the sustained abuse may bring about this as well.
      3. It is a concern.
      4. I have no need for happiness. I have power.
      5. It is not a case of obeying the creature but keeping him away. Why would anybody desire the creature when they have the alternative? Do you think it is capable of appeasement? It has been with me for a long time and it has not happened yet.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        Thank you for your reply HG. Because the ” creature” is part of you, anyone who accepts you must acknowledge and accept all parts of you. I think it is capable of abatement.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I understand the point you are advancing.

  16. Fool me 1 time says:


  17. nikitalondon says:

    Never let your fears move you. Fears dont take you anywhere.
    I pray for you that
    instead of loosing supply you desire truelove
    Instead of the fear of being ignored you can give so that you desire to receive alot in return
    That you can make it a way to show the different path you took so that being exposed is not a fear and thaf if thaf should happen you can proudly show ” yes it was but now its different”
    That you can lead a balanced life so that weary will never come and you keep your marvelous skills uphill
    That the beast never scapes and that it grows smaller in its cage to a size that you can leave with her prescence πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

  18. Ami says:

    The empath in me wants to hold the creature in my arms. He can derive his fuel. It doesn’t bother me anymore because I know now what he is.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Written like a true empath.

  19. Evan711 says:

    Great post, HG… I remover sitting across from G as he did everything in his power to demolish me and provoke me to run from him, but his fear was also very evident… I felt it….

    1. Evan711 says:

      * remember..

  20. Lisa says:

    HG , I’m not sure what the creature is and I know that you are writing a book about this but I think the creature is the true self but that true self is now so under developed maybe it is not that ? Or I think the creature is emotions all the emotions that the so called creature (true self has) love , attachment , weakness etc etc . All the things that the false self does not have to deal with . If the creature is the void as someone mentioned then I’m barking up the wrong tree . Maybe it is the void but I thought that was there all the time anyway as that is constantly trying to be filled . HG can you write this creature book quite quickly ha ha πŸ˜€ I wonder if it is possible to reconnect with the real self and the false self is no longer required . Do you know what the statistics are on that HG. Sam Vaknin is of the opinion it is impossible however he is not a doctor

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thankyou Lisa. I do not know the statistics. I am working on the book you mention, it is in progress.

      1. Lisa says:

        HG you haven’t written anything about any sessions with the good doctors for quite a while . πŸ€”πŸ€”
        I wonder why …..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have. Some of the posts arise from my reflections after sessions with them I just don’t write it as an exchange between them and me. Some posts utilise what has happened in a session, something I’ve shared with them which I then share with you but I don’t refer to having discussed it with them.

    2. traveler1965 says:

      This is good. I’ve have wondered about this too especially since I’ve come into my own awakening these last couple of years.

    3. Indy says:

      Lisa, that is a great question. What is the inner “beast”?

    4. nikitalondon says:

      With love everything is possible lisa. With God and the will to change.. To some people that light one day comes. I do believe im the bible of the multiplicatiom of the breads… The impossible is possible when you really desire it. That is the message.

      1. Indy says:

        Nikita, I too believe it is possible to heal from narcissism. I really believe, with determination in the individual, a desire to heal and a healing team that has hope and willingness to both teach and learn from the person in treatment (which is sounds like this is what HG has–I don’t know) that it is possible. Sending hopeful vibes for healing for all in this forum (yes, you HG too :)~~~Indy

        1. nikitalondon says:

          Indy Lovely message πŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’ž
          Of course you just have to believe it will happen and want it to happen..
          Very nice wishes Indy πŸ’

      2. Alice says:

        I agree Nikita!

        Think of Phan Thα»‹ Kim PhΓΊc. She is the naked girl in the picture of the US napalm bomb attack on that small village.

        Did you know that not only did she survive, she also managed to become a wife and a mother, she built a happy life in Canada, became an Ambassador for peace and she forgave the person/Commander in Chief of the US operation. He had fallen into depression and alcoholism ever since. But she agreed to meet him and forgave him whole-heartedly! Thereby, she not only saved his soul but her own too.

        I recently looked up her story because I am currently working on practicing forgiveness (self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness)

        She impresses me so much!

        If she can forgive the man who multilated her body, killer her little brother and erased half of her home-village, we too can forgive the narcissists in our lives for victimizing us, and ourselves for staying in the victim-role for too long.

        Likewise, HG can forgive his mother/parents, allow re-parenting to happen, forgive himself and integrate the Creature into his self. Maybe the Creature is just fear? Fear of feeling small, powerless, unloved, unworthy, unseen, unheard, not enough?.

        What if the Creature is just a creature with a miniscule “c”?

        Maybe HG is in fact missing the creature because it is the part of himself he suppressed or denied long ago?

        Likewise, it is crucial that empaths embrace their own shadows instead of playing the ‘Well are good – they are bad’ game. Narc behaviour is indeed very bad and addiction to hope can be very dangerous! It is not our job to fix them or HG or any other narc. It is our job to fix ourselves. But a person is not their behaviour and I believe that under specific conditions, healing can happen. Not for all narcs but for some – most likely the Elite type.

        There are so many choices we have as humans. It is all about choice. Sometimes, the choice means surrendering to a Higher Power. I am not a religious person but I do believe in a Higher Power, call it Love, the Universe, whatever. I have learned that working against that Higher Power and other people makes me feel miserable. Working towards live and unity makes me feel good πŸ™‚

        I am aware that there are also the shadows (creature) within myself and they are valuable too. There is no light without darkness. I acknowledge that part of myself and no longer suppress it. I am learning to accept the shadows and deal with them. I am not done with it, but I am on my way- one step at a time, one day at a time:-)

    5. Magia says:

      In a Faustian pact with the devil, they (Narcs) have sold their soul to the highest bidder, having allowed themselves to be manipulated by β€œdarker forces” so as to continually feed their own narcissism, all the while hiding from themselves the depravity of what they are doing…as victims we pay the price.

  21. Amy says:

    Is it possible for one to be truly moved by their supply, or is it just that they must preserve it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Preserve it.

      1. Amy says:

        Thank you. Twenty years in, I feel your answer in the pit of my stomach every day.

  22. Lisa says:

    HG what’s your email please ?

      1. nikitalondon says:

        I have just sent you an email ❀️❀️❀️

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Okay thank you.

  23. Natasha says:

    Very profound insights there, HG. Hope this isn’t too personal, but have you ever wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have the creature/emptiness lurking, ready to strike at any time?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I never used to. Recently I have considered it more often.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because I keep getting asked about it.

  24. Indy says:

    HG, what a scary place for you. “What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled?”

    What if, HG, you wanted this? I wonder….we can drive ourselves crazy with “what ifs”. What if you remained with that feeling for a little bit and build a tolerance to this feeling before you shake it off? Treat it with curiosity instead of dread. Linger for a minute or two. Stare it in the eyes. I wonder….

    I return to that question you posed, what was it that made me realize I am not my resume….it was my parents dying in my 30’s. I no longer had the praise for those achievements and felt I ceased to exist or have a purpose. I had to figure out who I was, not what I did or what role I play, and I still am. Lots of bumps and stumbles and cuts along the way…..including the lessons that led me here. It really never ends, this journey of finding self.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am being exposed to more “what ifs” with each passing week.

      1. Indy says:

        I worded my response poorly, I’m sorry about that. I was asking about letting go of “what if” thinking. What if thinking often results in avoidance of the unknown.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I agree with your comment Indy.

      2. Lisa says:

        Hi HG , you are being exposed to more what ifs every week ?? Is that from all your groupies on here or other sources ?? Or are you doing a little bit of gaslighting on us , so that we hold out hope for you to conquer your demons πŸ˜‰

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A little from people here, more from the good doctors.

      3. Indy says:

        Was my challenge to dropping th “what ifs” of the future and be in the present moment to witness the “protected you” within too much? Didn’t wish to cross a line. I’m sorry, it’s not my place.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not at all Indy, I have been about other matters and therefore delayed in dealing with the various questions that have been posed by people.

  25. Lisa says:

    Hi HG, I know you are busy with your blog and I know you have endless messages to answer but could I possibly email privately regarding this post ? Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Be my guest, Lisa.

  26. traveler1965 says:

    That’s interesting. I find it a little surprising. There almost seems to be emotion there 😒

    1. HG Tudor says:

      People think we are devoid of emotions. We are not.We just have fewer and tend to operate more in the range of negative emotions.

      1. traveler1965 says:

        But yet you are unable to love??

      2. Christine says:

        Great post πŸ˜€ I exposed jhm to some friends – wait a minute , his friends ☹ as they turned out . And he deflected , projected ,called me crazy etc and got his new supply from out of our area .
        Learning everyday HG and it’s really hard falling out of love with my illusion πŸ˜’ I can feel a shift reading your posts daily . I e mailed you recently , looking forward to your reply when you have time , thanks HG 😊

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you. Did you identify yourself as Christine in the e-mail?

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