After the storm has passed you will no doubt be sat one hand raised to your head, still numb with shock and a bewildered expression on your face. Where on earth did that come from? You were experiencing blue skies and a golden hot sun which blazed brilliantly in the sky. All was calm, no wind, not even a breeze as you enjoyed this beautiful weather. Everyone was happy and seemingly content. You had only minutes earlier checked to see if you could see dark clouds on the horizon, a gathering storm, but there was nothing to be seen in whichever direction you happened to look. Out of nowhere it arrived. Now as you sit amidst the destruction you play back in your mind what happened which appeared to cause the storm to appear with terrifying ferocity. Enjoying the warmth of the golden sunshine you suggested that you would cook a steak since we enjoyed the one you cooked this time last week so much. You enjoy making delicious meals for us. You are good at it and you like to show how you care about us by ensuring we enjoy our food. It was a simple and innocuous suggestion and surely a fair and logical one. We commented about how good that steak was when we sat down to dine last week so it made sense to do it again surely? Yet as soon as you made the suggestion you heard the words which signalled that the storm was about to erupt.
“I don’t like steak. I don’t want steak. You should know this by now. I want lasagne. I told you that earlier on but you never listen to what I have to say do you? Oh no, what I say is not important enough for you to pay attention to. You never do what I want, always what you want to do. I am sick of it. You are so damn selfish and I have had enough.”
None of this made any sense but you were not given any time to consider the veracity or otherwise of what we had said. Already the wind had got up and was whipping around you, pulling at your clothes and sweeping through your hair. The sky darkened as it became filled with ominous black clouds. You felt the first heavy drop of rain on your face, or was it a tear, you somehow cannot seem to remember. This always happens. You feel punch drunk afterwards and your ability to recall the precise detail of what happened seems to have been affected. The deluge began as a torrent of rain lashed down, driven by the powerful gusts of wind that now tore through your environment. Lightning flashed, great jagged forks which rent apart the churning black clouds followed by the terrifyingly loud thunderclaps which made the ground shake. You seem to recall us continuing to shout at you but you cannot remember what was said for the noise of the whirling wind was too great or was that us making such gale force winds. Again, although it was only moments ago you find yourself struggling to remember exactly. Hailstones the size of golf balls began to hammer down on to you, forcing you to curl up into a ball in order to try and shield yourself from the onslaught. You had no time to run to a shelter. You never do. The unpredictable and sudden nature of these storms always meant you were caught in the open, exposed to the full range of elements. The temperature dropped and you remained curled up, shivering with cold or was it fear? Sodden and frightened as the whirlwind continued. You lifted your head and through the sheets of rain you saw the destruction raging through your home as the whirlwind began to smash and destroy. Holes were punched in walls, crockery smashed, books ripped open, curtains torn down as this violent vortex damaged and demolished. You cried out begging the storm to stop but your pleas were like those of a child and could not be heard over the furious storm which raged about you. You curled up tighter, willing it to pass, as the sounds of destruction continued, mixed with the howling wind, the lashing of the rain and your own fearful sobs.
Suddenly it stopped. The noise and the fury was gone. You waited lest it was just the eye of the storm, a brief respite before the raging continued but nothing more came. Slowly you unfurled yourself, water trickling down your face as you felt the soreness on your arms and back from where the hailstones had slammed against you. You sat up and in dismay looked at the carnage around you. Destruction and damage meets you wherever you look. The suddenness by which the storm arrived and departed might cause you to question that it ever happened, yet the broken possessions and damaged furnishings confirm that it was too horribly true. You raise a hand to your mouth to stifle the cry of alarm which is trying to sound. You know better than to invigorate the storm to return when it has just passed. The wind has died down, the rain has stopped and the fearsome dark clouds have rolled away towards the horizon leaving behind blue sky once more. The sun is there yet you feel no warmth from it as you sit amongst the debris from the storm which rampaged around you only a few moments ago. It arrived without warning and did so with great fury, as it always does. Then it was gone. We are nowhere to be seen having left the room and you know better than to seek us out. Instead you rise unsteadily to your feet, the nervousness and anxiety caused by the arrival of such sudden violence having left its mark on you. You begin to try and tidy up the aftermath of the storm as you wonder to yourself how long this break in the clouds will last.
34 thoughts on “Aftermath”
Cycles of Abuse – I’ve just used a software program to print off all of his text messages I am purging my phone of everything. And I can clearly
see the pattern in our conversation…
Normal day to day convos then
the imagined slight
over one of my texts
the silence deepens
my panic rising
me pushing for him not to let it go dark him evading and projecting – the FIGHT !!!!! My past used against me …pleading
Come home please please come home
the reset button pushed by some random comment about an unrelated subject from him that lets me know he’s ok and the storm has passed
The honeymoon and deviant sex that followed – he needed to do it I can tell !!
Heaven and burning Hell (every few weeks)
Spirituality physically mentally exhausted
My final ..discard from him is firmly set in place he’s never left me for someone else before …⚰️🏺🖤 good riddance to bad rubbish
Thank you Victoria! It helps to put to it all into perspective to move on. It’s just so freaky all of it.
I’ve really been thinking a lot about “the relationship reset button” …my gosh how I used to wait on pins and needles for it to come …(I still do )
Like out of nowhere a text about the price of eggs or whatever Lol ! and you just knew 🌈 storms over …..the relief flooding over you …ah I can breathe again …
I now firmly believe the key is to go no contact during the silence…before the reset button gets pushed to take your power back and start healing from that point onward … do not go back for another ass kicking essentially that’s what you’ll get lol 😉
I feel both a sense of sadness and relief in knowing the truth; the cycle will always take place and the insanity will always come when dealing with them. You’re right No Contact is the only way! I made the mistake of speaking with him, answering the phone by mistake, and knowing what I know from HG’s work, it was horrible to hear his words with lies and manipulations for what they were! I felt terrible for 2 days just hearing that fake and toxic voice. Your article stated it beautifully, thanks again!
HG! I’m in the middle of reading “Exorcism”, your best work I’ve read so far….I actually can feel my old happy, contented and peaceful self return as I read it. And then I read a line you wrote that smacked me between the eyes and took all remaining feelings of remorse away; “we are the perfect intimate partner. This is because all we have done is mirror you and caused you to fall in love with yourself.” I think of the love letters I wrote to my ex Narc in which I listed all the wonderful qualities I saw in her….was I then, in fact, listing all the wonderful qualities in myself? Powerful stuff! Makes me think of the Narcissist Prayer you wrote a few days ago….Perhaps going through an experience with a Narcissist is a kind of gift? A shakeup that, although painful, heals us in some way? Am i off the mark here?…Somehow I don’t think so…and if not…please write more about this aspect of the “VIctim” Narcissist relationship. Oh and don’t worry….I will be writing a glowing book review.
Hello Magia, I am pleased that you are finding that particular work of use to you and I look forward to seeing your review. Yes you were listing all the qualities that you have and what you wanted to see (and which she conned you into thinking you saw) in her. I think that regarding the experience of your entanglement with our kind as an opportunity to learn and move forward, perhaps understand more about yourself is a positive way of dealing with an otherwise negative experience.
I don’t want him back, HG. I want closure, for this to stop turning in my mind. I blame myself for missing the opportunity when he sent the app. I could have forwarded the spam along in an email. I know it sounds perverse. I don’t want him back, I think I want relief. Am I misguided to think I can manipulate the situation to get it? I try to distract myself and have been NC for some time….I admire you HG, you are the expert. Are you advising against it?
I must download that book
It is understandable that you want to achieve the relief and this is in fact engineered by us so that you will keep presenting yourself to us. You will not get any resolution or closure from us because we do not want you to have that TT. We want you emotionally all over the place, unable to make clear decisions and thus susceptible to further manipulation. I would not recommend that you try to engineer such a situation because of the risk of it backfiring. You are better placed by looking to your own defences. Yes, download the book, it will assist you.
I just finished NO Contact and Exorcism-both excellent! H.G. will describe in detail all the full proof methods to banish the ghost and memories. I have been in no contact mode for 2 months and have thrown out everything he gave me except the jewelry which I will sell asap. The thoughts are the most difficult to ban, but H.G. speaks of those as well. We are all in this together and thanks to this blog becoming whole again. Thanks H.G.for your books, your articles and most of all for taking the time from your busy day to advice all of us-this shows a wonderful and unselfish act! Bravo!!!
Thank you Victoria.
How do I exorcise the ghost?
Reading Exorcism will be a step in the right direction.
Agreed!!! Exorcism is a great book. I cleaned my house out of “ever presence”, felt damn good. Except my kitty, who I love, it was his but gave to me when a kitten a year ago. It’s the only presence left. I can deal with that though as the kitty didn’t like him over time.
This is the truth isn’t it, HG? I was an interm just like the fat girl. A backup to a backup. I had to have been…why cant I accept it?
You are all transitional, just some are more than others, for a variety of reasons. Why can you not accept it? You are not meant to, so you will not move on, so you will not cross that emotional sea, that you will not progress. It is for all the reasons I have advanced in Exorcism, but you are able to accept it, eventually, but it takes take.
🙁 He has friends and an active social life. No need to hoover. Any attempt I make will just look pathetic and go unanswered and honestly at this point thats exactly what I am.
I blocked mine on facebook. I give up, maybe his life really is better now without me in it. Maybe I am unworthy of peace.
Somehow I doubt it will be, although of course he will not accept that.
Those feelings of worthlessness and self-defeating thoughts are the kind of thing they hone in on. I’m pretty bad about that myself, but knowing that something isn’t true logically and internalizing it are separate things.
You are a person who deserves love and respect the same as anyone else does. The same as any living being. I think you are worthy of peace, and protecting yourself online as well as the other ways HG suggests will help achieve that. Hopefully some time away from that toxic environment will give you space to breathe and see things differently.
Something I’ve noticed a lot on this blog and elsewhere is that we tend to say “my” and “mine” when referring to the Ns we’ve tangled with. I wonder if this makes letting go harder.
That’s a good point Lilly. I think it is only natural though because people will of course recount from their experiences. A reference to “the” rather than “my” would create a shift in thinking though.
Thank you, Lily! How long NC for you?
The first one, years. I can’t remember specifically, to be honest. The second, a couple of weeks. From what I understand he’s likely distracted by his new toy. So I’m using this time to learn and to pare down the other people who were talking to me, since I can now see similar warning signs.
I was Pretty sleepy when I wrote my comment 😂😂😂 I meant your writing is so perfect that you can clearly see how it happened, and make your thoughts on the way. Your writing is magical 😍😍😍
HG, do you throw and break things?
Only parties and hearts.
Ha,ha great answer! Xx
LOL – what kind of parties?
Bacchanalian in nature.
I like those parties!! Am i invited?
😍😍😍 thank you 😍😍😍
Sounds terribly sad. That was what my exhusband did so that Ieft for the first time. Broke 3 times something. That was it.
No tolenrance to violence 🚫❌
Ilike this one HG.. I could illustrate the situTion in my mind 😘
HG, I wondered how you knew these details to such exceptional degree. Then I hit my forehead, I forgot, you went through this too…this is how you know. You’ve been on both sides. I’m sorry you have the two sided battle.
@Indy: Spot- on!