Ten Ways to Make Him Hoover


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In the majority of cases, once you have  have realised what we are, you need to get away and stay away from us. If you have been discarded, the emphasis is on staying away from us. If you have to have some kind of interaction with us (because of children or work) then the aim is one of minimal interaction and the reduction of the provision of fuel as far as possible. I have warned you about the types of hoover we deploy, when they happen and how they happen so that you are able to look to your defences and ensure they cannot be breached. I have identified the forms of hoovers so you know them when they happen and also how to either put yourself beyond the reach of them or how to best repel them. Nevertheless, there are occasions when you want a hoover to happen. To be blunt, the reason for wanting to run the risk of being exposed to our machinations once again and possibly be drawn back into our false reality is often not a sound one. Yet, in the same way when somebody is told not to open a box or go through a door, they cannot help but do it, there will be those who will want to pre-empt a hoover from our kind. If that is the case, then on your head be it, but here are ten ways to bring about a hoover.


  1. Turn Up

The simplest way to ensure we hoover you is to present yourself on a plate before us. We are unlikely to turn down such an opportunity to gather fuel from you when you make it so easy. Of course, you may find that we seek negative fuel from you because we are infatuated with your replacement and therefore we want to punish you for letting us down and we remain dedicated to your replacement. Assuming you are able to find us (which should not prove especially difficult since even when we discard you, we usually do not go to huge lengths to make us impossible to contact) by turning up and seeing us we will hoover you. There is a risk if you turn up at one of our “fortresses” (home or work for instance) we may not admit you, preferring to garner Thought Fuel from your upset at being denied entry, therefore for best results approach us in public places such as a restaurant or a bar.


  1. Provide your contact details

You can do this as part of an apparent round robin which has been sent to all of your contacts.

“Here is my new number. Thanks. A Victim.”

The receipt of this, be it e-mail address, Skype handle or telephone number is a green light to us. You are opening the gate and we will use this information to hoover you.


  1. Message Us for Help

We once rode into your life as a white knight to save you from misery, loneliness and a score of different serpents which sought to hurt you. We don’t offer true support but we do enjoy being in attendance when help is required in order for us to drink in your fuel from your upset and neediness and to appear as the all-conquering hero. If you send a message requesting our help, you are playing to our sense of omnipotence and we will find it hard to resist responding by way of a hoover. The message must be specific about the type of help that is required and be something that we could help you with, if we chose to. Something straight forward which can be done in a flourish (after all we do not like to expend energy and certainly not on actually helping somebody with something arduous). We appear not because we want to help you, but because we want the fuel that will flow from us showing how omnipotent we are, for example by lending you money, tuning your television for you or explaining a letter from the authorities. Play the damsel in distress and we will appear.




  1. Proclaim Your Misery

As the idiom states, “misery loves company” accordingly if you announce that you are unhappy, upset, lonely and miserable and even better if you link it to the fact that you miss us, cannot be without us and similar declarations, we will appear to hoover you.  This is different from the third entry. That is requesting help with something specific, something practical. This relates to your emotional state. There are two reasons why this works. First and foremost, you are providing fuel by being upset about missing us. We want that. Secondly, we regard the world as a hateful place and thus our negative outlook to that means that we want to see other people upset as well. Thus we will flock to you in such a state. Be warned however that there is a significant risk that we will perpetuate your misery in order to draw this fuel further from you.


  1. Post a Picture

Post a picture where we are likely to see it of you and an apparent new love interest. We will not like this. We will feel criticised and with the ignition of fury we will want to lash out at you. You are not allowed to be happy without our permission and approval. We must be the source of what you feel, not somebody else. When we see this picture we see fuel being wasted and we want it for ourselves, thus we will come hoovering. We also delight in the omnipotence felt by running someone else’s relationship.

  1. Involve a Friend

Send a friend to let us know how much you miss us, how  your days are empty without us, how you never stop mentioning us. That alerts us to the fact that there is a tanker of fuel waiting to be sucked dry and this will certainly pique our interest to come and hoover you at the mention of this green light.


  1. Spread a Rumour

Use your supporters to spread a rumour about us. Make it detrimental without straying into the realms of defamation otherwise you won’t be hoovered and instead you will receive a letter from a lawyer instead. Suggest that you got rid of us first even though we discarded you and you did so because our performance in bed was below bar, or that we never changed our underwear, or that we said our mother’s name a lot in our sleep. It is sufficiently petty that it will irk us and we will come looking for you in order to set you straight and to draw some fuel from you by way of recompense for your criticism.


  1. Anniversary Pop-Up

We imagine that you remember that it was so long since we first met you, first kissed you, first took you away for the weekend and so on. Often you do because that is the extent to which we infect you so that you reminisce a lot. If you remind us of a forthcoming anniversary and thus by implication that it remains special to you, there is a good chance that we will use that anniversary to hoover you because we will regard you as more susceptible on that special date and likely to provide more fuel through your heightened emotional state.



  1. The Bootie Call/Text


If you get in touch with a suggestive call or text, then this will attract a hoover from us. Nothing says “game on” than sexual content in a message. The Somatic of our kind see a chance to rekindle those passionate couplings. The Cerebral will relish the chance to exhibit his seduction techniques even if there is no actual consummation. The Elite will see both as entirely appetising. Even the Victim will respond since it is easy to do so and if framed in a way that appeals to his submissive sexual outlook. Dangle such a text in front of us and the hoover will follow.


  1. Unleash a Rant

You know by now that fuel, whether positive or negative is what we need. If you want to provoke a hoover, show off some of that emotion through a rant in a voicemail message to us, a vitriolic e-mail, a series of hate-filled messages or just a hysterical monologue on your Facebook page. We will be attracted by this outpouring of emotion and want more of it, so we will come hoover in hand to draw more of the same.

64 thoughts on “Ten Ways to Make Him Hoover

  1. Lilly says:

    HG, thank you for opening up to educate us empaths to the ways and means of NPD. I’ve been with my narc off and on for about 9 yrs. We’re in our 50’s and he is dying of congestive heart failure. He no longer bans me from coming over (his room mate is my friend/coworker). There has been no women’s items left behind at his place (or any sign that he still has a harem) for a few years now.. He says he is done running around, and only wants and loves me. I dont believe him. But Is there ANY possibility that with our age and his failing health that he has changed SOME of his ways? Or more a matter that no one is answering his calls?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, all that will change is the manner of his manipulations which will con you into thinking that he has changed (for the better) when he has not. If you need more assistance understanding this Lilly, please book a consultation.

  2. Anabelle says:

    What would happen if the victim will cause hoovering and will give impresion, that she or he is still naive and full of fuel and in fact she will take her revenge? For example she puts his vigilance down and get evidences for his friends or she will contact with different perspectives blinding him with fuel at the same time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will invite being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork as you are being led by your emotional thinking. GOSO.

  3. DM says:

    This sounds like two Narcissists engaged in flip-flop manipulation. A Hoover begets a Hoover. I was caught up in a similar dynamic. Was I the Narc? Or was she? I think we both were, but at times she was in charge and at other times I was. I hoovered, she hoovered. And on it went…

  4. Vee says:

    It’s been 5 weeks since discard.
    I’ve sent him a sexual text but no respond 🙁
    He’s online on FB, IG and dating sites flirting with other women. Telling them he is done with me and referring to me as “that woman”.
    He has blocked me on everything.
    Does this mean he will never Hoover or come back?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Vee says:

        What more can I do to get him to Hoover?
        I’ve offered sex without respond.
        I’ve emailed about dropping off his Xmas presents without respond.
        Could it be the injury of his family knowing about his abuse is too severe?
        How else can I convince him to give me another chance?

        1. MB says:

          Vee, you need to book a consultation with HG, stat!

  5. Shola says:

    My narcs obsessed with me. He throws tantrums. Projects and generally makes himself very obvious. I just don’t react. I react selectively. And he’s jealous. Very jealous. If he’s stonewalling me…I just chat to some chap on fb and he comes running, even if we’re just chatting about mundane things lol.
    I find treating him as though he were my eldest child keeps him in tow.

  6. Ashley says:

    Hi i have wondered this for ages but no one could answer it. Finally someone who understand this all. So mine NARC has never ever hoovered me , it has been 3 years now. I went NC and never broke it. he discarded me for a stupid reason, i wore to revealing? Anyway what does it mean when a NARC respect your wishes not to have sex? i was religious therefore. What kind of supply was i then?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If he respects that, your gratitude and appreciation provides fuel.

      1. Ashley says:

        Oh, so by saying thank you that’s enough fuel for someone to travel 2 hours 3 times a week to come see you and, spend crazy amount of money on me? Isnt that crazy?

  7. Hurt says:

    Will he still hoover even if he has a new primary source?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      During devaluation yes.

  8. Alex Zangriles says:

    It is wrong now that I want him to Hoover a little just so i can “in your face” him if he ever tries to seduce me again? Am I just stupidly playing the game…again? I know he Hoovered before bc he stole my tablet for two months that had all of my social media on it, admitted that he stalked me, and had a strange way of knowing more about new people in my life than I did. I think he also took my old phone.. it went missing this summer one morning when he was at my house…hmmm

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is understandable that you would want him to hoover. Whether you ought to is an entirely different matter. The problem is that allowing a hoover means engagement and given the way we are able to manipulate you and the fact you may still be mired in the emotional sea, there is more likelihood of the hoover backfiring that it advancing your cause. Remaining in No Contact is far more effective for you for many reasons.

      1. Alex Zangriles says:

        Very valid point, HG! I feel like however until I sell “our” house I am going to have to have some contact with him. So until I completely disappear (which I’m planning to do)…why not have some fun! This sight it not only helping me realize exactly how he truly feels, its helping me build my narc wall so I can play the game with him any other soul snatcher that comes along. Of course I’m an empath so most likely this is all talk…but you never know😈

  9. Indy says:

    And will likely give said borrowed Apple back as a core, because even if it is borrowed, it’s his. 😉

    1. Indy says:

      Realized this comment may have sounded harsh, sorry! Meant more humorously toward you….Something my ex would do…and those hair products he used up on me were expensive! 😜

    2. Leilani says:

      Indeed. Ate the surface to get to the core.

  10. Magia says:

    Since my recent relationship with a Narc I’ve found myself reviewing memories in the light of what I’ve been learning about Narcs and realizing that nothing was a it appeared at the time…..I’m certain every victim go through this. I wondered why I didn’t experience a Grand or Preventative hoover but looking back on it…I did…in an act that was staged to make it look like my narc was breaking up with her boyfriend in front of me (i’m sure now he is another narc and they help each other out and are not in a relationship)…but get this….I’m such an empath that upon seeing my narc upset at the breakup I offered to do what I could to help her get back together with him!….even though I was desperately in love with her….actually because of it. She looked at me and said nothing for a few moments an then said “No”…and left. In her case I believe her sense of entitlement is so profound that she is only willing to be chased by a man…won over by him…in my experience, she would never try to convince a intimate partner to come back through pleas.

  11. Jewels says:

    I contacted the other women he kept denying he was seeing and finally got the truth so he lost two supplys in one day. Of course she went on a rampage of revenge which he says is my fault she now wants to lay charges of abuse and report him to the ppl hes been stealing from business wise and report him to tax man. So i bust him for lying and cheating and he tells me I cannot be trusted and im psycho and a devil haha. Hows that for projection. Hes been in my life for more than 10 yrs and its never gotten this bad. This is the worst hes spoken to me. Says he wants me dead bla bla!! His mask completely came off this time. He now knows iv seen all of him. He immediately went man whoring on social media and stated hes in a relationship within 10 days of losing us both. I cant see how he wud even think it’s possible to try hoover me back at any point ever!! Its too far gone. Irripairable! Surely he knows that right? Or am I delusional? Cud he possibly try to hoover me again?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It may seem that there is no reason to hoover but remember, you are looking at this from your perspective and not from his. His perspective of events is different to yours. There will come a point when he will look to hoover you, should circumstances facilitate that happening, because he may want to draw positive fuel from you, triangulate you with the primary source of fuel that he then has or even to lash out and punish you for what has happened now. Not all hoovers are pleasant. There is a significant risk I would suggest of you being subjected to malign hoovers in the future based on what you have done.

  12. Leilani says:

    What a lovely picture, is that you HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Naturally. I borrowed the apple though.

      1. Leilani says:

        You are charming and pleasantly funny. A borrowed Apple.

      2. mamaenfp says:

        That picture is really you?!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, it isn’t me.

  13. 1jaded1 says:


  14. Alice says:

    Good list! I used a couple of those ‘tricks’ in the first year post break up and I can confirm they all worked. He hoovered. But the other truth is: It always hurt me in the aftermath. There is no point in using these ‘techniques’ because it is all fake (on both sides), and what is FAKE HURTS!

    I think that it is crucial to remember that the hoover is not a compliment  
    So I stopped that and went ‘grey rock’. I am now sticking to 100% no contact. He is free and so am I. Thereby, I have gone completely out of his radar. I am concentrating on living my own, beautiful life:-)) THIS finally works! And it also broke the addiction to figuring him out and analysing the ‘Whys’ and the ‘What ifs’. I finally got it: there is no fair game, no genuine emotion, no joyful future with a narc. They are nobody you can count on for anything – except for the hurt. So there is point igniting a hoover either – unless you are addicted to pain, d
    rama and turmoil. If so, be it! If not, get out and stay away for good! I know it’s hard but it’s worth it. There are sooo many other people and opportunity es out there! After all, they are NOT that special:-)

    Please also remember that if you are in the position where you have to ignite a hoover, they are usually love-bombing and/or otherwise ‘working on’ the new target. So do you really want to stay in line 2, 3 or 4 of the harem? You know there is no way he is every going to give up the harem either. So it is truly a waste of time. And we are smarter than the girls from the Manson family, aren’t we? 😘

  15. Ami says:

    I have to admit I tried most of those strategies to get my narc back. Of course he was probably lapping it up as fuel. He didn’t hoover me. But he never told me to go away either, that was until his new, shiny supply came along…then he just upped the silent treatment and finally told me he wanted to be left alone. He never told me he had a new woman. I found out from 3rd party. Narcissist moved on away.
    I don’t expect a hoover.

  16. Poetic_Me says:

    Hmm….a Volte face. After so long encouraging readers to avoid and ignore hoovers and go no contact. You now suggest ways to encourage one. Interesting contradiction… what would be the reason?

    1. Poetic_Me says:

      I choose to remain no contact and resist hoovers. I made that mistake once and that was one too many times. I never felt better after the Hoover, mind you I never encouraged or invited it either. I am content to let him play with his robots and drones and leave me alone. And for them to leave me alone too.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      As you will have doubtless read at the start of the article I point out the aim to avoid hoovers and also question the basis for inviting one. No volte face there.
      I was asked by numerous readers to write about how a Hoover might be provoked. So I did.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        I didn’t read the article, I responded to the title only. Thank you for clarification.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Noted. Don’t consider a career in professional services!

          1. Poetic_Me says:

            You already know what my career is HG 😊. Good thing this blog, is public and not professional. Standard wise. As it allows anyone and everyone to address any and all topics even far reaching from the subject of Narcissism. Which facilitates interesting and unusual conversation. A Garden, of sorts.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I was making the point that it is never a good thing to comment on something when you have not read the thing that you are commenting on.

      2. CC says:

        Yes I noticed that HG, there were some people asking how to get a hoover, it dumbfounded me, though it is true some don’t know how to function without being abused, it’s probably a very scary feeling, a ship on a dark night, a stormy sea, with no light to guide, no anchor, just lost in the dark abyss, so they seek the monsters that lurk beneath, at least they know what to expect…..

      3. traveler1965 says:

        Thank you for writing the initial statements of DANGER!!DON’T DO IT!!!!! STAY AWAY!!! RUN !!!!! Paraphrased of course. I wrote myself text messages regularly like these whenever I felt like I was starting to weaken. I have so appreciated this website. Strength in numbers 😊

  17. Ciao Baby says:

    I’m almost positive that my ex-narc boyfriend will NEVER hoover me! He told me (hundreds of times) never to contact him again, has blocked my cell phone number, home number, email addresses (I have several), blocked me on all social media, and although he says he doesn’t “hate” me (he only hates “my actions”), his eyes look like the devil when we see each other and make eye contact.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You do realise that when you see each other and he gives you the devil eyes that is a malign hoover to draw a reaction from you.

      1. Ciao Baby says:

        I really don’t think so. He’s made it pretty clear that he never wants to talk to me again. He’s blocked me EVERYWHERE! But last weekend he was facilitating an event that my youngest son participates in (how the ex and I met a few ears ago) and of course saw me (and I saw him). I broke the ice by telling my son (in front of my ex) “Say hello to K” and he did say hello to my son but not to me. After the event I walked over to talk to him and it looked like he became physically scared of me. Those eyes, again! And I emailed him afterward and we went back and forth via email the rest of that evening and a good part of the next day. The same circular conversations and he can’t and won’t “forgive” me for what I did?! What I did buddy, how about you? He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I forgave him a long time ago and have told him as much.

      2. Ciao Baby says:

        Me again….OK so what exactly is the prationalization for a “malign hoover”? Just to get a reaction from me, positive or negative? Do malign hoovers ever become benign hoovers? Thanks for your response, HG!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The rationale CB is to punish you and derive negative fuel from you. We may recognise that there is no or a limited prospect of resurrecting the Formal Relationship with you and therefore instead we will still want to get fuel from you. Your defences may be set to reject any benign hovering and therefore in order to prompt that emotional reaction we go down the route of a malign hoover. Yes they can change into benign hoovers at a later stage in the same way during devaluation we suddenly stop and reinstate the golden period by way of a respite period.

  18. Fool me 1 time says:

    Great post HG but not for me! Don’t want him to Hoover, just want him to leave me alone! Think I might of caught someone else’s eye! This one makes him really stand out to be the looser that he is!!! Xxx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I should imagine that to be the case.

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Thank you HG!! 😘

  19. Cara says:

    As a female narcissist, I play at being seduced/I let the man think he seduces me, but I pretty much always know what’s going on.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Cara cara manipulation is not good *smh*

    2. Magia says:

      This was my experience…I chased after my Narc girlfriend (not knowing what she was) doing all the work of seduction while she played disinterested and hard to get.

  20. nikitalondon says:

    Great list HG. 😘
    Never made any of them because when I left the relationship I intended it to be finished…
    I feell into the hoovers which is something else 😖😖😖😖😖

  21. Narcaddict says:

    I’m talking about #10. I feel as if my narc would take that opportunity to further punish me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Dependent on his type that it is a distinct possibility.

  22. Steeviann says:

    1) NO
    2} Maybe
    3) Maybe
    4)No No Not anymore
    7)Can’t as it would involve lawyers
    8)NO, there is only one……The day I told him to piss off so if there is no contact, then no anniversary.
    9)NO WAY! I rather play with myself!
    10)I will save those for here on the blog.

    Anything else?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Just making a note, thank you.

      1. Narcaddict says:

        HG, I think lashing out would prolong the silent treatment, no? Don’t you love to further punish us?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Who lashing out? You or us?

  23. Maddie says:

    Great as usually! now it’s a turn for 10 ways how to seduce a Narcissist 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We do the seducing Maddie, you just need to turn up.

      1. Steeviann says:

        Really HG? Are your kind the only ones who seduce? I think not.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          We are when it comes to the dynamic of us versus victim. There are of course plenty of other people in the world who seduce but that is not who I am referring to. They do it differently.

      2. Maddie says:

        name a place and time 😉

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