7 Sorrows

 

1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

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49 thoughts on “7 Sorrows”

  1. This is rage from a victim…. When does it end???? Never you keep going and tormenting until one of dies by their own hand or walk away in solitude… Picking up the pieces of the shattered heart that you and your kind broke. I am very angry but dare not show because you souless humans need your precious fuel. How pathetic.. Oops provided you with fuel because I am angry…. I know I will be a lifeless corpse because that is what we all end up being…that is what you want… Right

  2. Dear Alex,
    I asked him if HE thought the road to be weak or powerful. Notice it’s quotation marks. The other question I asked is, did he imagine she had no choice, but that is in spam, moderation, land of nod…etc.
    In other words that question doesn’t exist and will be used as an irritant. But it doesn’t bother me. I’m used to HG and his antics.

    1. I see ABB…I see! I am still learning so much and soaking all in. My apologies for misinterpreting your response.
      You seem extremely intelligent and I’m confused as to where you would place yourself in the spectrum of all of this? This is a serious question not meant too offend…just curious.

  3. ABB, it bothers me that you assume The narc road is more “powerful” than the codependents “weaker” one. The narc road may be the more powerful road at first but it is not true power and eventually that road is going to end. As far as codependents go, I don’t feel its the weaker road unless you don’t ever figure it out. I believe any codependent empath can change their path once they learn to love themself more than the narc. Then the roads shift gears!

      1. Why was there only one road available? She kept looking to you. You could have helped her choose. Influenced her to take a different way. She could’ve walked away like you did. She could have got approval from you. You would have been the proxy for your parents approval. All it would have taken is one person to show her real love….to give her a different perspective on which way to go. Thoughts?

  4. HG,
    How do you feel about the road your sister took as a codependent? Do you regard her as lesser for taking that “weaker” road instead of the “powerful ” road?

    1. It was the only road available to her. She is strong in the sense of enduring what she has to endure but she is weak for having to endure it in the first place.

  5. Hi H.G!😎 Geezo Petes! That last one sounds like how I feel after 48 years of Narc abuse! ! That’s pretty crazy! Cracked me up when I thought about it! I don’t want to be pitiful! Or envied. Or all that YUCK! But I feel tired of battling it! The Entitlement markers of the 3 Narc men in my life was the GOLIATH I wanted to take down! Do I dare say the SAME Monster that is keeping all of them from GROWING UP? Arrested development at “That age, or moment of the first SURGE!!” A brain wired by chemical addictions of Narcissism? A retardation of the brain? I know these chemical pathways CAN be turned on and re-wired! It’s spiritual sickness for sure! I’ve known SO many little children of all ages running these survival mechanisms.. Entitlement #1. Whether spoiled or deprived no matter what it all is just the worthless SHAME being passed down and around on this planet.. “Sorry” is something I have seldom ever heard from my Narc 3.. Not surprisingly neither were the words “Thank you”.. You know what I am grateful for? I am grateful for The WALL they built between them and me! Each Narc built their own Wall brick by brick. Their threat became my boundaries! . I’m not locked in! They are! I am free to walk away! You want to go? Go! You want “that”? Have at it! Don’t let me get in your way! Each Narcissist has my permission to go do what they want!! They can have it ALL! All but me! I hear them all pounding on the other side now! Calling to ME! Sending notes over it! They can’t come in! What a reversal! I’ve beat my head on that Wall for years! Narc 3 is taking a CLASS at my church that it took me 17 years to find! Oh the lengths.. 😀 Good! He can keep going! I think it’s funny! Got a post card through a 7 year old flying monkey girl (little Narc FULL BLOWN) her Mom called me on my birthday last year just to tell me she “figured I would have committed suicide by now! Guess not!” Click! Had 2 of them trying to wreck my Birthday that way. (I said “No” too many times poor babies) . Now we get a post card stating “I miss you” to my daughter.. It’s so sad. Not submitting my kid to that hot mess! We are not toys.. My daughter is not her daughters plaything.. So. I gave them each and everyone what they asked for the last time I’ve seen each one with parting gifts and a blessing!! 😘 I enjoyed stepping off that little girls stage! (The Mom) All with dignity and a good example ! FINALLY!!! .. It took 9 months for the first flying monkey with the girls and it’s been on going a year and 1/2 totalling 2 hoovers and a grenade! I’m so glad I won’t have to always hear them crying on the other side of those Walls tho! It hurts me from here. .Very hollow empty sounds from the deepest darkest blackest hole of nothingness from a very far away miserable place.. I am the LAST person they need.. The best chance I can give any of them is to not ever go back to try and save them from the consequences of treating me like shit. Let them sit in it alone and maybe they’ll all find themselves in a class! Thank you for helping me face reality..

  6. Centauride touched on a topic that I was thinking. You are in non toxic relationship with a brother. I can’t think of a better way to put it. Why him? What does he have that you maintain the bond? Is it fuel or family ties or something else and if so, what? So many questions.

    1. He provides fuel. Occaisonally I lash out at him but it is only by reference to the good doctors and he deals with that in his own way. Largely he stays inside a golden period with me because he hasn’t behaved like the rest of those traitors.

      1. Will you be elaborating on the family dynamics in future posts, one family member at a time or all at once (no matter)? Or, is it too major fury triggering? Thanks again.

      2. When I was way little, I rode in cars without seatbelts…and rolled around the back seat. Not sure if you were a part of that era.

        Anyhow, I will be reading. As with everything you write, I will be riveted.

      3. You are one wild person 1jaded! I bet you used to put eleven people in the lift when it would only take ten didn’t you!!?

      4. No. I would pass that ride…and glare when people stepped in. Crashing to my death in an elevator wouldn’t be the worst way to go. Not a preferred choice. Wild…hmm. Yes and no.

      5. Come to Detroit and let me take you for a walk…or Chicago..either place…our hands entwined. Could you handle it?

      6. You can be HG..and I will be me..fingers entwined..Everyone draws their lines in the sand. No offense taken regarding the walk in Detroit. It’s where people are eaten. Have you seen Chicago lately?

      7. I have not seen Chicago lately although I did see the show of the same name 4 years ago. 80 per cent of the audience was female.

      8. I’ve never seen the show. Not one for musicals. Did you go to impress someone or look for bait?

        On one of my night drives, someone dragged a lady out of a car while it was stopped at a red light. Another time a dude blocked the middle of traffic with his car and started ranting. Oh and if you’re taking a drive to Midway, be prepared to have people randomly hit the hood of your car. Better drive your beater, HG. None of that happened to me…just 3 random wtf moments witnessed while driving in the city. I actually prefer Detroit to be out and about. Robonarc has a ring to it. The film, while set in Detroit, was filmed in Texas…or somewhere other than Detroit..wussies.

  7. Hmmmm lets see.., its so assertive .. All of it that there is not much to comment.. Yes its like this.. The last one is fascinating.. But I know you dont think that one 😍😍😍

  8. I understand what you are saying FM1time but I don’t think it is a concious choice. NPD like so many other mental conditions is genetic as well as a result of upbringing and environment. It takes a lot of work as well as determination to change as it is so ingrained.

    Talking of which how is the therapy going HG. Out of interest I am wondering if any of your siblings have the same disorder as yourself?

  9. Might want to. change that tune to I apologize. If you say “I’m sorry”, someone might retort, “yes…you are sorry…a sorry excuse for a human.” Has anyone came back at you with that retort?

    1. PS…that was said by one of my classmates to another, when I was 8. He heard it said by one parent to another. It always carried weight.

      1. You are welcome. It really is the least I could do. It was more to benefit you and not add another layer of criticism. I hope you don’t use it against others, hut I can’t stop you…I wish you could heal…I know you can heal. Your soul is alive.

  10. You need our pity? would not pity suggest you are not powerful, but weak. Would that not amount to a criticism? I don’t pity you one bit. But, I suppose pity garners more fuel then acceptance would.
    He would say some of these seven statements/ siNs of omission. Lie to me, honest with himself.
    Do you really feel sorry for yourself HG, or it that a lie too? We believe these statements, because when we state them they are genuine expressions. We remain when you state them, because we believe you at the time.
    I recently switched to Tears No More, a much better brand.

    1. Some of our kind do need your pity, it is fuel and also a useful method of control to get you to do what we want. The Victim Narcissist feels most sorry for himself and the Lesser and Mid-Range of Somatic and Cerebral will do so as well if matters do not go their way. I do not feel sorry for myself, I have no need to feel sorry for myself, but if I know it will garner fuel and enable the exercise of control, I can deploy a pity play like the best of them.

      1. Thank you for your response HG. I prefer sympathy, pity is such a lesser emotional response to me. It tends to look down upon another. Where sympathy, compassion and Empathy, lifts another up. Thank you for explaining, I didn’t think you felt sorry for yourself. Do you feel any pity for another person or do you just deem them pathetic?

      2. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I have reason to given the treachery I am surrounded by, but I can appear sorry for myself if it will create an advantage for me. I do not feel pity. Just contempt.

      3. It’s pathetic to see it play out, “funny” I wish what I now know my ex narc to be a MR (lower at best) were a greater. Less pity play and passive aggressive bs. Just exhausting. Be a straight up son of a b. I’d respect that more.

  11. You are human! And in being so should know that not everyone is out to get you!! In fact it is the other way around isn’t it? You cannot blame everyone you see or meet! We are not her!! And neither are you!! You are much better then her, you would think you would not want to be anything like her? Don’t you think it is strange that you want to be like the person that has hurt you the most? Are you still trying to get her love and approval? You don’t need it! You are a wonderful intelligent man and you start believing that you will be so much better off and happy!!🌻😘

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