5 Reasons We Discard You

 

 

 

The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are given the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.

The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.

Then comes the discard and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be.  There are however reasons why you are discarded. These are those reasons.

 

  1. You Have Wised Up

You have worked out, usually as a consequence of some external assistance that we must provoke you and make you react in an emotional fashion. You may not entirely understand why this dynamic occurs, you may not realise why it is so important to us, but you know that we want to make you react and you have stopped doing so. You have learned to respond in a neutral fashion and thus deprive us of our fuel. We apply our machinations in a harsher fashion, increasing the pressure to cause you to react as we feed on our secondary sources in the meanwhile but your resistance is substantial. You have not walked away, perhaps you are unable for financial reasons, children or the inconvenience of seeking a new home, but you have turned off the tap and we realise that it is not going to be turned back on anytime soon. We do not want to be in this weakened state and we do not wish to apply the energy we need to finding or embedding a new primary source to be used up on trying to squeeze fuel from you. Thus you are dropped.

 

  1. The New Source Is in Place

We began our devaluation of you as we sought a replacement for you. This explains the repeated affairs and now we have settled on your replacement as a primary source of fuel. He or she has been seduced and embedded into our supply chain. We are confident that they are functioning well, pouring forth delicious positive fuel in significant quantities and in a reliable manner, far better than you ever did. We have been fuelled by your negative fuel but there is no longer any need to keep you in play now that we have our new bright and shiny plaything. On to the scrap heap you go. We will come back later for a hoover of course, but for now it is adios.

 

  1. You’re Broken

Although it may seem during devaluation that we are trying to destroy you, that is actually not the case. Yes, we are driving you downwards through our repeated application of horrible manipulations but we do not want to finish you off. Just like somebody’s head we are holding under water, we will let you surface spluttering and gasping for air, by way of a respite period before plunging you into the icy water once again and holding you under. In and out, up and down, push and pull. We will have you bouncing along the bottom but not destroyed. Sometimes we go too far and the avalanche of abuse takes its toll on you resulting in you becoming broken. You are left numb, barely functioning or even hospitalised as a consequence of a break down. You provide us with no reaction any longer. Unlike the first instance above, this is not by choice, but as a consequence of our behaviour breaking you. Knowing now that you will not provide us with any fuel, we show our callous nature by taking no interest in your broken state but instead we shift our focus to embedding the new prospect that we have been cultivating and drop you.

 

  1. Major Exposure

You may have us worked out but your shock and horror at this, along with your desire to actually try to help and change us, means you continue you to spill out fuel towards us. You have the knowledge but you are not using it effectively, so we see no reason to go elsewhere. You may be trying to tell other people about our terrible behaviours but we have got in first, launched the smear campaign and maintained the façade. It is business as usual. Occasionally however you might just outflank us and manage to tell other people what we are like before we can do anything about it. These people see some incontrovertible evidence that you have obtained (admittedly usually obtained when dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind) and take your side. News spreads and those people we thought we could rely on either turn their backs on us or worse take your side. The façade is crumbling. The fuel has stopped and the energy required to change people’s minds (with no guarantee of success) is too great. We have been exposed in a major fashion. Rather than face the music and allow ourselves to be destroyed we drop you like a stone, saddle up and ride out of town in order to find a new place which hasn’t heard about who we are.

 

  1. Wounding with Intent

You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap but you know how to obtain the ultimate revenge against us and your emotion-free criticisms are launched at us. These criticisms wound us repeatedly, burning and hurting us and with no way of getting fuel from you, we are being beaten. You have been well schooled by somebody and applying those learned lessons you are starting to attack the very pillars of our existence. We are under a serious attack and fighting back is not an option. We need to flee and quickly. We don’t want you any longer, we know we cannot succeed at this moment in time and therefore we need to beat a retreat and promptly. You don’t want to let us off the hook because you want answers and you want to punish us for what we have done to you. You are not going to end our connection. We are not going to hang around however and we will discard you as we beat that retreat so we can recover, replenish and then look to strike back at a later date when your guard may be down.

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100 thoughts on “5 Reasons We Discard You”

      1. Thank you ….n knowing you hurt the only one that saw the best in you…n instead of trying to be a better man?
        So much easier to exploit n destroy than step up…n be a decent human being…..

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  1. I may have asked this before, but does it seem that an N targets a certain type of person, one who’s possibly more fragile emotionally, one who’s insecure & desperately needs to be in a relationship? Clearly I could be completely wrong, I just happen to know of one N in particular who is smart, intellectually, but clueless socially. He continually ‘love bombs’ and chases women who make it obvious that they’re bi-polar, or extremely needy/desperate, who reveal too much personal information on social media.. women who most people who look at and say, ‘they’re a train wreck”, but an easy target to be used, and the types that are going to jump into bed w/ them the moment they’re given ANY attention. This isn’t to insult anyone, it’s the one example that I’ve watched play out on several women by a particular N, that I know, over and over again. It’s almost like he’s ‘attracted’ to those who are not playing w/ a full deck, then he discards, then mass hysteria ensues on social media by the girl who’s discarded. You’d think by now some of these women would’ve witnessed enough publicly to know to avoid him, but there always seems to be a new ‘victim’, never a classy, mature, hard to get type, but always the same emotionally manic, histrionic type (you’d think he’d know by now he’s going to be ‘slandered’, though he deserves it, but you’d think it would teach him to grow up, mature, seek help, etc.) My point, are N’s naturally attracted to lots of immature, relationally dramatic peeps.. is there some kind of ‘high’ in it for them?

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    1. Hello Kris, absolutely the case. These are low-hanging fruit and those people regarded as “damaged” prove to be succulent targets for our kind. If you haven’t already, read Sitting Target and you will learn more about this.

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      1. Hello. Just so I don’t take offense, are there other characteristics of the victim? I’m a independent, intelligent, self-sufficient, ambitious, and well rounded individual. I’m also nurturing and supportive. I don’t have low self-esteem and I’m extremely picky. I had a brief 3 month relationship with someone whom i believe whole-heartedly to be a narcissist. I started picking up red flags with him when i started to second guess myself. I did everything and he made me feel as if my best wasn’t good enough. The harder i tried the worse it got until ii started pushing back. I started calling him out and i believe that’s when i stoppex being useful to him.

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    2. No, I don’t think they do!
      I am a strong independent woman, very confident, out going, happy go lucky type of person and still, he got me! I have never felt soo hurt in all my ĺife……18 months later and constantly reading facts and blogs, I still can’t get him out of my mind 🙁

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      1. I just got out of an 18 month relationship with a narc 2 weeks ago. Im crushed. Did your narc ever try to come back at all during these months? Have you had strength to move on a at all?

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      2. Jane,

        I’m right there with you. I was with him less than 4 months and I still feel the same. I discarded him first, completely ignored him. He didn’t take it too well and it ended abruptly and ugly. It’s been about 16 months of no contact. He’s never made an attempt to contact me. People say they always come back, but I don’t ever think he will….not that that is a bad thing.

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    3. I think the quality of supply matters too. Just like us, they’ll settle for what’s easily available during a dry spell, but they prefer better. Predators do tend to seek out the weak, but only because the target is easier, not better.

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  2. Is this how narcs will live for the rest of their lives?
    Experiencing this turmoil with a narc I deeply loved was traumatic enough for me. Yet I also sensed it was traumatic for him too.
    This insatiable appetite for fuel is a never ending cycle.
    Will you ever stop? Will my ex ever stop?

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      1. Because it seemed to take so much out of him mentally. And because it was a cycle of devalue-discard-value-devalue-discard- value…. the energy, lies, running around, memorising lies, keeping up with fabricated stories. My ex always seemed tormented, exhausted and deeply unhappy. I knew there was always something he was searching for. He was never content, never stable.

        Every fix, new and old, could not satisfy his addiction to God knows what . I think even he didn’t know what he wanted.

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      2. Yes those who are Lesser/Mid-Range can find the situation taxing if they have not honed their skills in terms of supply. There is also the volatility which affects them as well so that they explode (Lessers mainly with heated fury, Mid-Range with cold fury) so they essentially bugger up their own fuel lines. Not a problem that we Greaters experience but you describe it well Ami.

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    1. I feel the same. I firmly believe he is tired of chasing but knows no other way. God knows you can’t actually talk to them about any of it. The heartbreak is hard but I have such a deep sadness for him as he is my friend. Watching a friend

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  3. You never discarded her; you discarded me. You disengaged me til you wanted and til you want more. I discarded you way before though. Why do we need to continue this tete a tete? Why can’t we just be together in harmony? Better yet, let’s let the guard down (of course we won’t) This is a serious question. You may laugh. I’m sure you hate me bc we are alike. We are outer shells. She sees the good in the real you.

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  4. Oh im not even going to bother reading or writing into this blog again. Whats the point since u only post and respond to the same old followers every time no matter how insignificant their msg is. Typical narc behavior anyway! I hope u realise by doing so it appears as tho u only have about 7 followers. Not so intelligent after all !! Also in ur section of private msg it says ” typicaly replies within a few hours”. Haha yea ok, if u say so!!

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    1. Hello Jewels, I think I am going to have to call you Rough Diamond after that little outburst. In case you didn’t know I have other matters to attend to as well as responding to people’s questions, which are of course always welcome and of interest to me. From time to time a backlog will happen. I read every post that is sent to me and where people ask for an answer they get one. Sometime I allow posts through which are more recently posted because there is no question for me to address or it might be answering someone else and if it is short in nature. They get posted as I deal with the longer posts and also those with questions. I answered your two questions yesterday but if you have flounced then you won’t know that. Yes just seven followers they have done some serious clicking to enable me to hit over a million hits in under a year. If you want a competition on intelligence I would be delighted to face off with you.

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    2. He responded…have not been to that section. I am guilty of doing the same when an answer isn’t prompt. HG has so much to offer. I’m NOT kissing his ass. He has taught tons.

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    3. LOL is this Claudia? How sad you feel the need to burst out in this manner. The only person who has no intelligence is you.
      He has followers that come and go but will return for reference and further knowledge.
      If you are going to come and play in this arena, you better be well equipt and one more word of advice, do not insult HG or his followers. We are a fierce group.

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  5. How painful this sounds… It makes me even fearful to read this… Not even all the mindfullness in the world would stop pain and fear in an unhealthy way when thinking longer than a one second on this..
    Neverthless as always and everything that you write.. Its excelent, assertive, educational.. 😘

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  6. Hi HG

    Very detailed thank you. A question for you. First as you can imagine as my own layers are being folded back I am struggling with my creature more so then ever before. My explosiveness is embarrassing and so childish. It’s knee jerking for me and when this creatures head pokes out it it gets out watch out. I am working ever so hard in therapy and it can be learned to be delt with.
    1. Do you feel that all your planning for fuel and the way you operate is stuffing your feelings down. they do not rise to the surface were they then need to be delt with? I have a very active mind like you it can’t stop. I just wonder if that construction site you have built in your mind, stuffs any emotion. Are you aware that the creature your running from is your Pandora box of emotions trapped. I just figured this out.

    2. I can understand how seeing us once we no who you really are, would make you sick. Is it possible that sickness, that I believe may be what you felt when your mom was on your case, how you really feel about what your have done to us?

    3. Last burning question. Because it’s a missing piece in my life. You have traced 3 solid generations of narcs. Your maternal grandmother was not. Did she suffer a personality disorder?

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    1. Hello SII,

      1. I think that a combination of keeping a racing mind occupied and also the provision of fuel acts in tandem to keep the creature at bay.

      2. If I was to see somebody who understood what I was the only way it would affect me would be if they provided no fuel and/or criticised me in a manner which caused wounding. Otherwise it would not make me feel “sick”. The sickness is now what I really feel about the things I have done because I have no concept of guilt or remorse.

      3. Not that I am aware of no.

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  7. HG, can you be of “the lesser kind” but be a severe narcissist? Mine is not very intelligent, has no idea what he is, but he is so severe in his traits.

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    1. Hello Narcaddict, I do not categorise someone as severe, the fact that he is a narcissist to begin with suggests that his narcissistic traits are rather severe to begin with. I note he has no awareness and is low-functioning which points to him being a Lesser Narcissist, what are the other traits that you see as severe, perhaps you could expand?

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    1. Two ways. If you do not provide us with fuel. Also if you criticise us (in an unemotional manner otherwise it is fuel). Have a read of Fury for more Cat Of Nine Tales.

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      1. Every time I ‘criticised’ i.e disagreed with, was neutral or unemotional, contradicted or questioned…the narc would accuse me of harassment or say he was calling the police and tell me not to contact him! So he didn’t seem ‘hurt’ as such. But, the reality is, the perceived transgression was so slight. It wasn’t even criticism, just me having my own mind. I realised that I was not allowed to have a voice or any equality in the ‘relationship’. How can one have a relationship on these terms?!

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      2. TEACH US HOW TO NOT FEEL. HOW NOT TO BE EMOTIONAL. I hear you but cannot compute. It would be like teaching someone to roll their tongues or wiggle their ears. ITS SO HARD. Scratch that. IMpossible not to feel or be emotional. Working this out is a beast. Ok. Feel and have emotions. Behave as if not (which feels like acting and fake) and there is nothing I pride myself more on than being authentic and HATE in others (fakeness – my mother is the ultimate faker and ginormously successful at it). Maybe that’s why all this while I thought my narc (and all the rest) deep down inside felt as deeply as I do. They were just imposters. And it tortured me to no end. Their lack of and my overage of “emotion.” I don’t want to be like “them” yet I am over here in a pile of goo wondering what the f why can’t I be like “them”. And just an hour ago I was worried — omg — maybe I am a narc. Because clearly it’s all about me me me. I am here reading for ME. And feel guilty. Ikr. Weird. Do empaths often question themselves and think maybe it IS me? Good god.

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      3. Empaths repeatedly question themselves owing to the trait of self-flagellation. You also question yourselves because of the way we treat you, so your critical evaluation and self-worth is eroded.

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  8. I’d like to pose a question if I can about discard and devaluation.
    I will try to be concise.
    As to be expected, I was discarded suddenly after a short, intense love bombing period. As I had not encountered or did not know about narcissists before, this was shocking and traumatic, particularly as just weeks before it had seemed or been implied that the Narc was falling in love with me.
    I literally felt sick like the wind had been punched out of me. Not understanding what had happened. The next day, I freaked out, as in felt desperate, was calling and texting (but being ignored), which in turn made me feel more desperate and ashamed. I even called from a different number.
    Fast forward, and a hoover or two later, I’ve been relegated to secondary supply; a ‘friend’ but not a friend to have sex with, a sort of murky enmeshed emotional ‘girlfriend’. However, I still wanted a relationship.
    The narc said, ‘I would never be in a relationship with you’, and then went on to say that this decision specifically hinged on the fact that on that day I had been calling and texting him desperately.
    Of course, I felt like I had failed, it’s my fault, bitterly regreted what I’d done, ‘if only I’d handled it better’ and other such torturous thoughts. I have looked back on that day and thought ‘why did I do that?’. It has felt hard to take the full blame, I felt that there were something wrong with me.
    Elsewhere in one of your books you wrote something along the lines of, ‘stop analysing the situation, you got involved with a narcissist…end of story’.
    My question is: so the Narc says to me, the reason he won’t be in a relationship with me is because of my behaviour on that day. But…could it be that he is a narcissist? And he is fickle. And he says meaningless things to shift blame or to hurt me, or to see what my reaction is? Or he wants to make me the ‘wrong’ one? Could it actually be that I wasn’t ‘wrong’ on that day? That I was acting out of stunned desperation in response to a discard which I didn’t know about? That in fact, the Narc had conditioned me, (as he has others)? That he knew that my response would be desperate? That, in fact, part of him wanted the desperate reaction? Do Narcs just like rubbing salt in the wounds?
    Can I disbelieve him, in terms, of he says anything to put the blame for the impossibility of a relationship onto me? Therefore, what he says is just not true. Turned out to be a longer post than I meant. Thank you for reading, if you do.

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    1. Hello Gem, your reaction is one which has happened millions of times and will happen millions more.
      1. You are love-bombed. You fall in love. This is the desired response. Yours is an understandable and predictable response.
      2. The golden period ends. From YOUR perspective there is no valid reason. This is deliberate. If there was a valid reason you could accept (or find it easier to accept) what has happened. This will allow you to move on. You are not given a valid reason so you keep asking “why?” and therefore you remain stuck.
      3. You keep asking the narcissist but get no proper answers. Any answers given just do not make sense in your case this was saying you handled the situation badly. Your response of calling and texting is an entirely understandable response. You do not understand what is going on and therefore you want to get in contact with the narcissist to find out what is happening.
      4. This situation is engineered. Firstly it results in the provision of fuel. Secondly it allows the narcissist to blame-shift by saying as you found out, “Your reaction caused the problem.” No it did not. You acted as you wrote out of stunned desperation in a predictable and intended manner. You were conditioned. You responded as anybody empathic would and we count on this. We create the reaction and then blame you for having it.
      5. He will project and blame shift repeatedly. It was not your fault. It never is. We make it your fault though to serve our purposes. Have a read of Manipulated and Your Fault.

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      1. Thank you Mr. Tudor for your lengthy and considered response. (I realised I have posed this same question on a different blog post, as I thought I had lost this one, please ignore the second one).
        It really does help me to keep moving forward, (I am over 18 months minimal and complete NC), and also to have my intuition and feelings validated straight from the mouth of a narcissist no less!
        As you wrote in your, ‘questions answered’ book, it is these unanswered questions that snag and hook in the mind, the wanting to know, ‘why?’, that seems to keep one psychically, if not physically, attached to the narcissist. This seems to create a lack of resolution, this makes it difficult, at times, to move forward. As you have written, this is the desired outcome of the Narc’s machinations.
        I am grateful to have it confirmed that i was the one behaving in the expected and ‘normal’, (if there is such a thing), manner.
        I do have another question but I will leave it for another day, as I have asked quite a few.

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    2. Gem,
      I’m a little late to the party here, but I could write a book on everything my narcissist told me wouldn’t happen because of something I did- something normal in my eyes, blasphemy in his.
      For instance, he told me he could never trust me again because in the beginning of our relationship, when I thought he held the same feelings for me as I did him, I told another woman (the woman I now understand he was triangulating) to keep her distance because there was something going on between us. I basically told her he was cheating on me with her… I didn’t know he was physically cheating, but she sure as hell had an idea. And looking back, I’m sure he was.
      Isn’t that something? I became unworthy of his trust because of HIS cheating.. nonsense.
      He eventually “trusted” me again over the course of the next 2.5 years. But still used a twin line – “I would have done ____” or “I was going to do ___.” This last time, I told him if I waited around for him to do ____, I’d be dead before it happened.

      I wouldn’t be surprised if your narcissist’s initials are CLG.

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    3. Mine did the same with the harassment and police threats. I would panic and cry. Now, I know what’s going on. He tried the grand Hoover exactly a year later to the day. Thank HG for the books and blogs…wish I had read more of the blogs. But, I didn’t go back….and for not wanting him, I was threatened with a restraining order. Just like the woman before me got. You never get a straight answer…I would find after his blatant lies that I would be apologizing to him. There’s no amicable way out. You’re with them, putting up with lots in a crazy relationship or you’re discarded. He knows I’ve figured him out…he immediately started lining up others while devaluing me and the second she was in place, he went silent. The closest he’s ever come to owning anything h
      Is he calls finding someone new “survival”. Ugh. I’m out and never going back but no closure makes it hard to stop ruminating on it…even though I know that’s What he wants. I feel like there’s no closure so he can come back if things don’t work out with new girl. Any suggestions welcome. Happy New Year‼

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  9. Wow! Thank you HG you just cleared up a mistery. Number 2. Struck me. That sickness that you feel I had very twisted and confused with guilt and remorse. I now see it as very diffrent and as you describe, remorse. I can not wrap my head around the fact your so connected and aware of what’s connected to emotion and how it should feel and yet you feel none of them. I am so unaware of them because I have kept so busy my whole life I never needed to understand why I could not feel anything within me. If I even stopped to think I was afraid of what might happen. I could feel others pain so I thought I was normal. If I was criticized I felt the sickness. I never felt anything I did to others. Worse I was always puzzled why what I did was such a big deal. I can see it all now. I was a horrible wife. I regret many of my actions. Luckily I was truly forgiven. this has taught me what forgiveness is so I can start on my mother.
    number 3. Also very interesting and your nature vs nature thought? Maternal grandparents, if grandmother had no personality disorder and I am not sure of maternal grandfather. Was your mother a narc. Product of nature or nuture then? Assume as it looks now there was no personality disorder on maternal side prior to mom, do you no what happened there? It seems obvious the generation took a turn in your mothers generation. So was this 2 just inherited genes from 2 people or was there a parenting issue?

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    1. One can understand something without feeling it. I make it my job to understand because then I become a more effective unit. I do not need to feel. Most feelings create weakness and hinder.
      My mother is MatriNarc, her father was most likely the cause of her behaviour. I believe from the work with the good doctors it relates to upbringing rather than genetics.

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  10. I brought my A game everytime he acted incorrectly towards me. Nothing he did upset me, got me to chase or weaken. He tried every angle he could and when he realized none of them would work rage and then his disappearance always followed. I’m hoping he’s finally realized it’s pointless to try to come back. I just have this odd feeling he’s going to try again which I’m upset with myself for not being able to ignore the feeling, not care and accept that it won’t matter even if he does because it’s out of my control.

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    1. Hello Reversed, you are right and you are wrong. You are right that you can enter the sixth sphere of influence without doing anything which may trigger a hoover. You are wrong because there are many things you can do to minimise the likelihood of the hoover being executed and if it is, to minimise it being effective in any way.

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  11. Hi I’d been with my n partner for nearly 3yrs. Not knowing at first what he was but noticing things weren’t right. I started to do a lot of reading on narcassists/sociapaths and started realising he ticked nearly every box. The constant vileness what I was subjected to was to much to bare and everything I done was wrong. I made it clear I knew what he was and last straw was when he was in a rage I told him to leave my house after many attempts previous he always refused to leave keeping me in fear. He was constantly saying “when I leave you” then when he was OK with me he would say “I’m not going anywhere” I couldn’t carry on like this so enough was enough!! He left but I’ve heard a couple of times since but it’s just mind games so I’m going “no contact” do you think I was on discard? But me asking him to leave first must have been a bitter blow for him. Do u think his trying to hoover me back so he can get final discard in? May I say I love this man very much still :-(.

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    1. Hello KK, whether he hoovers or not will not be about getting a discard in against you, it will be about fuel. I suspect he is subjecting you to a silent treatment borne out of your criticism of him through telling him to leave. Use this hiatus to establish your no contact and build your defences as he will hoover you if there is a trigger and the execution criteria are met. You have a headstart available so make the most of it.

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  12. Bloody Brilliant! Thank you for sharing the insides and outs. (and explaining that wicked break-up 😉 ) A good read actually – do you have any books published? Maybe even a steamy novel. I do have a question since these people exist and we do have to share the planet with them (or as they would say, “them with us”) is it possible to bring out the best in the narc and get what you want as well and live in harmony without being a food supply that is suckered dry to the vampy creatures? Do you know of any books on that topic? Because they can make great bosses and leaders (speaking from having bosses like that) I also have another question, can they realize they are Adonis or are they truly trapped in their own world forever to stay there? Thank you again for the great read, very helpful and look forward to reading other topics on this page as well. Very informative.

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    1. Hello Long Beach, thank you. Yes I have over 40 books published which you can find on amazon here
      https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=dp_byline_sr_ebooks_1?ie=UTF8&text=H+G+Tudor&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=H+G+Tudor&sort=relevancerank
      All various topics are covered.
      As for steamy novels, I have some plans in that direction as a consequence of what people have asked me but in the meanwhile Seduction and Ensnared will give you a taster in that direction.
      You can see the better qualities of our kind, yes, but there is a substantial price to pay. You cannot remain around us without having to make significant compromises on your part.
      Some of our kind have little going for them and it is all imagined, others of us do have many talents but we still exaggerate them nevertheless. I am pleased you have found my work informative and hope you continue to contribute.

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  13. this is the best blog ! It helps me sooo much.
    @HD you write “We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.” What are the reasons why you choose us? I think it is because we are so weak and emotional and therefore easy to manipulate. I think it is not always about the looks as I was having awful skin problems when I met my ex. I was always wondering why he felt attracted to me, and I think it was also because I was so unsure at that time, and also because a friend of him was interested in me…I think narcissist love to have something someone else wants even if they are not really attracted to the person…

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  14. this is the best blog ! It helps me sooo much.
    @HD you write “We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.” What are the reasons why you choose us? I think it is because we are so weak and emotional and therefore easy to manipulate. I think it is not always about the looks as I was having awful skin problems and gained a little bit weight when I met my ex. I mean I do look okay but I was always wondering why he felt attracted to me, and I think it was also because I was so unsure at that time, and also because a friend of him was interested in me…I think narcissist love to have something someone else wants even if they are not really attracted to the person…

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  15. this is the best blog ! It helps me sooo much.
    @HD you write “We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.” What are the reasons why you choose us? I think it is because we are so weak and emotional and therefore easy to manipulate/use. I think it is not always about the looks as I was having awful skin problems and gained a little bit weight when I met my ex. I mean I do look okay but I was always wondering why he felt attracted to me. I think he was not attracted to me at all he just saw an unsure person and knew I would be easy to get. The other reason was also because a friend of him was interested in me…I think narcissist love to have something someone else wants even if they are not really attracted to the person…
    I also think the other reasons have nothing to do with us, because we have no real value as persons to them, so they might just choose the next person around, the easiest and quickest way to get new fuel. As soon as they realize that you are interested they are kind of into it. I always had the feeling my ex was even a little bit bored when we got together.

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    1. Hello Roxfr and thank you for your kind comment. We choose you for the fuel you will provide us, the character traits we can use for our construct and residual benefits. We choose you based on the empathic traits, class traits and special traits. To understand more about that do read Sitting Target, it is all in there.

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  16. Thank you for writing this. I’ve gone no contact and now he’s destroying my reputation at work. He’s told me so many things about other people that we could both go on a revenge rampage and destroy each other at work. I don’t want that to happen but I want him to stop spreading rumors. Do you have suggestions on how to handle this? I no longer speak to him but he knows that if I’m antagonized I will retaliate. I no longer care if we both go down.

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  17. I had a fight with my Narc less than a week, it’s the second time he pushed me away, first time was I said he sounds like different people as before. This time, I told him if he did something would hurt me, but he still did it and laugh at me. I gave him no contact and broke it. I told him about he never listens, he said he will listen and he will leave me alone, quoted from my own blog. I was so angry that I posted something there. I asked him whether he wanted me to leave him, he said no. so what does this mean? They never say what they mean. is this a silent treatment or new supply coming? Thanks!

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  18. Hi, well written Sir.
    I have been abused by a NPD for 1 year. They have discarded me and now the problem is after 5 months I am still unable to connect with anyone. Hav I myself become an NPD???

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  19. HG, your blog is amazing. I recently encountered a mid-range narc (disappointing really; I figured a well-off, very educated executive would be a greater, not a mid-range): a whirlwind “romance” that was amazing for the first two weeks with his love bombing, then he subtly started shifting/changing – little periods of no text response (at first a couple hours, then four, then eight); odd little texts that seemed slightly out of context; slight changes in behaviour (arriving later and later, complimenting a bit less, not as attentive); etc… I did react exactly as he wanted at first, but this didn’t last. I questioned his tactics within a couple days – he mistook me as being unarmed, and much more vulnerable than I really am.

    My long-term ex is a greater narc. He was a very upstanding citizen of the community; had entire well-respected organizations fooled, not just me. He pushed too far however, and he was his own undoing in the end. I’ve been no contact with him for four years now. He was MY undoing. It took me the four years to rid myself of his machinations and the resulting effects. He was patient, cautious, clever and subtle. This new one however, is a mid-range, and I could see the impulsiveness – no finesse in playing the long game, impatient, but just different enough to initially throw me off guard – and I questioned him blankly, with no emotion. He had a hard time giving me answers when I approached with logic, instead of emotion. When I confronted him about his disappearing at Christmas (no surprise, I see now) and then a day later about him being caught with another woman at Christmas (again, no surprise) – and I didn’t act emotionally, he didn’t quite discard me, but put me on pause. This did shock me, and he got the fuel he needed as I started to waiver and cry. (I think it was a pause: I’m hoping it was a discard.) It’s been only four days and I know he thinks I’m sitting her crying and pining for him. By ignoring me however, it was the BEST thing he could have done. I shook my head, wizened up, and the very next day, unbeknownst to him, he was on “no contact”. I feel great. I don’t miss him. I don’t look for texts. I just don’t care. If he does come out of the woodwork, he’s going to be surprised as the “no contact” will hold. But, I’m glad he came into my life because he alerted me to your blog. Your writings have been completely eye opening and have provided so many answers about my greater narc that I never thought I would get, which has provided me with closure. I thank you greatly for that!

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  20. I love each and every one of your articles and I have downloaded almost all of your books. My narc husband and I (I’m a BPD) have been really beating each other up for years. I was unaware of my real issues, not sure if he actually knows or if he and I have been together for so long that he never let me see him all the way like this last time.

    I never admit to anything being my fault, however I will admit to this last one being at least half of mine.

    After a major insult, from me, and he has the stupid (never used before) silent treatment, in which every time I get him to open back up (even if it is evilish) I do something else that shuts him back down.

    How can I tell if this is the real discard? He has some new person but she will never be me and he knows it. I love his entire package we are just really doing some serious damage to each other (or have this past year) and it is making him look elsewhere.

    Tell me how to be aware of a full discard.

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  21. H.G.
    Per usual, great article. As you explained in #1, I, without knowing as much as I do now, 10 books later, I stopped letting him push my buttons because It is not in my nature to argue and by defending myself attach him back. I always felt sick afterwards, which of course he new. I ended up by saying, “No matter what you say or do, I will not argue with you” He then pressed harder and would resuscitate some event from 10 years ago that I did. I would say to him, do you really want to go to the past, do you really want to go there? He would stop and viola, silent treatment. This worked 8 out of 10 times. The other two times I would react. Question. . . Is knowing, as you state above, that there will be very limited Negative fuel a red flag for those of your kind? Also, on a different note, when will your book: Little boy lost and Matriarch be coming out?
    Thank again.

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  22. I found your article incredibly interesting.

    I was duped by a N for 2.5 years; question everything that didn’t make sense but still accepted his responses, choosing to believe him. I found out by thorough investigation he had a girlfriend for 4 years and I exposed our relationship to her. I have grown on a lot of knowledge about him now! Would you consider it safe to say this outing would eradicate me as a supply source?

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    1. It would be likely to lead to dis-engagement with you and would, subject to other considerations, act as a raising of the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria but it would not eradicate you as a fuel source forever.

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  23. @HG, 1) if someone sees through you quite quickly (few days to a week) would you respect them more than an ‘easier target’ who might take months or years? 2) could N’s have a relationship where everything is out in the open? (knowing who you really are and being able to deal with it, without wearing the mask)
    Thanks

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  24. Thankyou ….. my question is about money … my ex husband set up the money in a way that I have ended up now having to work for the rest of my life to pay my mortgage … I have been deeply hurt and he set things up in a way that my children ( not our children ) friends etc see me as a broken weak idiot … they ( my children ) see him as someone who does not care about me at all and I am an idiot to be broken financially , emotionally etc etc .. He now works with my brothers company … he some how has come out wealthy , with an amazing job and pay and I look like an idiot … I have started to learn about N and read about the control , twisting truth to others etc … but I have not read much about money … is it known for N .to destroy their wife’s money ? I think he did that so he could justify to my brother that I was bad with money ? so he would keep his job even though he screwed his boss,s sister over ? I am so confused . he even got me to sell things which did not add value to his money but maybe to make me look bad with finance ? do you know if destroying a wife,s finances so the N becomes wealthy and she looks bad with money is a part of being a N …. or would he have done it to be even more destructive ? have some evil pleasure knowing I was set up financially forever but now I am not . do N feel important knowing they have caused destruction or are they known for stealing ? but making me look bad with money so he doesn’t look like he stole mine ? thankyou

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    1. Yes money is another tool of manipulation. Your resources are our resources and this of course includes money. Not only will we use our financial muscle to seduce you, we will then use it to devalue you which will include not supporting you, painting a picture of your being useless with money, a gold-digger or profligate. We will steal, siphon funds away, divert profits, hide assets, asset strip and so forth since we have such a sense of entitlement and no concept of accountability.

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  25. How bad of a narcissistic injury would be caused if you are just ruthless with the narc once you’ve figured out as far as them not changing and being a lying worthless cheater, then you have sex with them and tell her something like, “finally I got something I wanted, it’s too bad I have to go through so much to get a little from you when you give it away so easily to whoever else wants it.” Then, you catch them talking to their next target on the phone, wait until they leave the room, then let the new target have it, meaning you ask them does it feel good to break up a happy home. Then, the narc calls you like a coward to discard you but you flip it on them with pure rage because you’re tired of their nonsense and tell them you never want to see or talk to them again. Then, they come back to try to throw it in your face they’re with a new target but you just take a huge dump on them to tell them how worthless and slutty they are, you don’t care, you don’t want them anyway, the loser they’re with can have them, etc… And, the final time you talk with them on the phone you once again but much more brutally tell them you don’t ever want to talk to or see them again. Would that cause a pretty bad narcissist injury to them?

    The Narc ended up marrying a child molester the same year. I feel bad I might have had something to do with that because of just how brutally I discarded them, pulled the old switcharoo on them. I don’t think they actually wanted to break up the when they called to break up with me so much as they just wanted me to beg them to stay with them. lol Yea right, they were cheating and thought I would beg them to stay again, no, I’d had enough. Probably not though, they knew I knew what was happening, they probably didn’t want to put the effort in to try to lie to me because they knew it wouldn’t work anyway, but they did pause right after they finished their weak emotionless breakup script as if they were waiting for me to start begging or something. They didn’t last long with the child molester, like 2 years, then he went to prison for raping a little girl.

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  26. Hi HG
    So if a narc is getting older and also has Llosa much of his wealth does that impede his ability to seduce? Thank you sir😊

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      1. True HG, but since they love to impress and exaggerate what they are and what they have (not you, of course) I would think that showing how much they were worth was important.
        My ex always talked about making it big again, not in the millions but billions. I was always surprised at how unrealistic it sounded not just to me but to anyone listening. I wonder, do they really believe what they are saying?
        Thanks as always for a great article.

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      1. I know why you are asking Lori, but don’t get your hopes up.

        A narcissist will be faithful to a person in a social, familial or work relationship (NISS) in that they will usually grant those individuals elongated golden periods.
        A narcissist will be faithful to the IPPS during the golden period.
        You may get a Cerebral or Victim Narcissist who will not be physically unfaithful to an IPPS or IPSS even during devaluation but they will sext, flirt online and be emotionally, financially and intellectually unfaithful.

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  27. Thank you, HG. Can you elaborate on types of relationships where this is possible? I am missing a component in the formula to fully accept that I am dealing with narc. For 5 years together I have never experienced any signs of my partner looking for another supply, cheating or being dishonest. Is it possible in narc’s scenario?

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  28. Would you please clarify the acronyms for me? NISS, IPPS, IPSS. And thank you for the work you do in helping us all understand Narcissists and Narcissism. I have appreciated reading your posts which I have only discovered recently. I’d like to ask another question if I may. Why do we (as ‘victims’) feel the need to stalk our ex Narc when all is said and done. I’m baffled by this weird phenomenon.

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    1. Non intimate secondary source, intimate partner primary source and intimate partner secondary source. Please see the article Always Watching to answer your question

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  29. I was ghosted after New Years day 2016. Last time I saw him. He was acting strange and I wondered if he cheated from his behavior. I knew him over 30 yrs ago. He married a friend of mine at an young age and has since been divorced and remarried but now divorced for a little over a year aft a 17yr marriage. He has nothing positive to say about any of the women when I would inquire was there anything you liked about them? No response. We dated for over a year but when I started to ask which direction the relationship was going in he accused me more then once of “being pushy” He has property in Hawaii and is there now. I made the mistake of calling him and he did not want to speak to me but told me he did not like my “attitude” before that it was “I did not develop the property like I said I would” Then, it was some money I owed him. Always something different about me I failed to do. Reminded him he was not talking to me so how could I develop the property?? NO RESPONSE. He got off phone with me and told me to say bye 3x. I was so mad I text him some expletives. It will be a year Dec 31st 2017 with no explanation or reason why he won’t speak to me. Is this the longest silent treatment/discard EVER?! I made the dumb mistake of over texting and writing from being angry to forgiving because this is how badly it messed with my head and I am much older and experienced but this was one doozy of a game. The worst of it all was I have been in love with him since I was 16 (he never knew it), and was so happy when I found him. He treated me well but said he never would get married again and sick of 50 yrs of women! I was not pressuring him into marriage but that is the excuse he used and maybe he really was afraid after a recent divorce (rebound). But I am sure he has new supply now. I was so happy and never felt that much joy in my life from being with someone even though I am very independent and have not been in a relationship for several years (by choice). The last thing he said to me on the phone was “I do not want a loving relationship” Last time I saw him in person, he told me, “you’re gonna miss me” Any idea what any of this crap means? Sorry for the length of this post. Oh and age has nothing to do with the game. Hurting people, hurt people.

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