Total Collapse of Your Heart

Music. One of the most powerful ways of conveying feelings and emotions. From the tension inducing strings used in the shower scene in Psycho, to the ominous double bass as the shark theme from Jaws (my ring tone incidentally) and to the uplifting melodies of Walking on Sunshine, music has a formidable power to instill sadness, joy and fear. From the earliest days of our existence as we delight in the sung nursery rhymes of Three Blind Mice or the excitement of a toddler recognising the theme tune to his or her favourite television programme through to the regal Entrance of the Queen of Sheba at a wedding or the accompanying sounds to a funeral,music is all pervading and all powerful. Music creates the urge to dance and to sing. It inspires and motivates. Think how much further you can run on that treadmill when you listen to some up tempo dance music or your favourite pop tunes.Supermarkets alter the music played over the tannoy to influence the speed at which shoppers move about the store, advertisers look for that annoyingly catchy jingle that is always associated with a particular product and if you are placed on hold some soothing strings are played to you in order to maintain its patience (although I must concede that does not always have the desired effect). Music has the capacity to change moods in an instant, to heighten feelings and manipulate emotions and of course it is this last characteristic of music that is so useful to our kind.

We use music extensively in the way that we manipulate. We may exhibit our proficiency with a musical instrument to lure you to us, this being a particularly favourite step of the cerebral of our kind. Our somatic brethren use the breathless excitement of a frenetic and popular entertainer at the sold-out concert to draw their prey. We ensure that we create a catalogue of songs which will generate Ever Presence when we have discarded you or you try to escape us through the application of no contact. Every time you hear the opening strains of The Power of Love, your mind is taken back to the times we held one another as we listened to that song and I pledged to ‘protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door’.You are engulfed in sadness at such a memory and music has taken you back to that time in an instant. We of course always look to create ‘our song’ which we use at first as a device to hook you, hold you and then repeatedly remind you of what we once had and torture you in the months and years following the cessation of our relationship. Naturally, when assessing you as a target,I had regard to the songs you posted late at night, perhaps when you were mulling over a previous relationship, on your Face Book news feed. I worked through your social media, making a note of the songs you refer to and the context as I begin to compile that playlist for use when I commence my seduction of you. I may use a Lieutenant to gain access to your CD collection or to scroll through your Itunes list. He or she will have particular regard to how often certain songs have been played, when looking on Itunes and feeding that information to me. I make use of your list of songs and then supplement that list with the stock lists which I have and repeatedly use. I have such ready-made playlists of my favourite songs dependent on your favourite genres, accordingly I have a pop one, a rock one, a dance one, a classical one, a soundtrack one and so on. All except rap. Rap is no use when trying to seduce.

If you revel in the disposable joy of pop music I will have a set of tracks for use with you when I seduce you. I know these are effective because I used them with my last pop-loving victim. One of my favourite methods of seduction is to not tell you how I feel about you directly but always convey it via the power of music. I will send you a text with a song title which will implicitly suggest that you look it up on YouTube or Itunes and in so doing you will sit and smile as the music washes over you and the seduction begins to envelop you. I may send you the link for the song, or I may purchase the CD and leave it on the passenger seat of your car for you to play. I may feign that I was so hurt by my last relationship that I struggle to tell you how I feel and can only do so through the medium of music. This makes you feel special and each time I provide you with the details of a song I provide you with a concentrated blast of delicious and addictive seduction.

By contrast, during my devaluation of you I will deny ever liking certain songs that I once professed to love, in order to confuse you. I will change the type of music that I prefer and claim I have always loved that music. I will denigrate your music choices, complaining loudly if you play certain music or leaving the room. When I know you are struggling and feeling weak I will then revert to the seduction tactics and suddenly fill the room with the sound of a particular song which is so very significant to you and just stand and stare at you waiting for the inevitable tears to start to flow along with the fuel that I desire. Music is a powerful tool in our hands, it allows us to seduce, it allows us to denigrate and it allows us to seduce once again.It lifts you up, it makes you feel cherished and special because we know exactly the right pieces of music and songs to  play to you. We know, just like that catchy song, how to ensure that every time you hear certain songs you remember us and the pain and longing flows once again. Music is a major weapon that we are able to us. As Bonnie Tyler sang, “Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart.”

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136 thoughts on “Total Collapse of Your Heart”

  1. He was constantly posting Love Songs to me, on my own Facebook Timeline, (which he probably had his settings to block out his ‘friends’ from seeing, yet allowed a few select to view). The songs were soft, love songs for the most part; very deeply moving and instrumental. I found out later in his Devaluation Stage of me, that he loved extreme Heavy Metal Music, and was very arrogant in his expression to me on just how much he loved extreme Heavy Metal, and considered me very much below him for not having any taste for Heavy Metal music whatsoever; he even texted me a pic at some very odd hour of the night/early morning to boastfully “show me his brand new Heavy Metal Hoodie” that his Enabler had sent to him thru the mail. I just responded back in a text, “Oh, that’s a nice-looking sweatshirt, and a very nice pic of you.”

  2. One of my favorite moments with my therapist was when I asked her if he had a Queen, meaning one woman he would put on the peddle stool, the one he would put before others. Her response was so profound. “(my name), he is the King, the Queen, the subjects, he is the whole kingdom! Does this answer your question?” really Another line one time was. “What I had for lunch today was wrong to him. You will never win, you will never do it correctly and most likely the way you will die will be wrong in his mind.”
    I wish you could hear her say these things. It is funny but not as it is 100% the truth.
    I think I like my crazy more than your crazy HG. I mean this is the most respectful way.

    “I think we are all Bozo’s on this bus.” Firesign Theater

  3. Going back to Cali, to Cali, to Cali (happy vacation dance, off to Southern Cali for a much need break)…couldn’t resist posting a song by mr sweet lips.

    1. If I call him after this intense Hoover, it will just reward bad behavior, right? I am feeling guilt that I know is not justified but it is sooo hard when you are being called essentially a cold unforgiving witch. HG and bloggers, I feel a little more vulnerable as I’m half way cross the country from my home….I wonder if he knows….but how….I don’t want asshole to impact my vacation…..thinking I need drinks by the ocean, massage….and some input from you kind folks and expert HG….

      1. I’m strong, I am not calling him. At this point, if I reward him after 140 calls, he will up his efforts to worse maneuvers next time.

  4. HG, I know this post would probably be best posted somewhere else, but I used this one because I was responding to the music portion, and I couldn’t stop there. 🙂

    I recently started talking to a guy I knew from my Jr High years (we’re now 52) since leaving/being discarded by the ex-Narc 5.5 months ago.

    I’m not sure if I’m just being paranoid and overreacting, or if certain traits are “always” indicative of a Lesser to a Greater Narcissist. I know you’ve said we all have some Narcissism in us, but what the hell are the signs that differ from the regular Joe?

    This new guy has sent me 3 YouTube songs in just the 6 days since we’ve been talking. He’s called me princess, babe and sweetheart before even knowing me, and even after I asked him not to. He has since stopped. He sent me an email (“The Story”) describing why he’s so excited to see me again and has sent me a list of Broncos games he wants me to choose from (2-3) and he’ll fly me out to Colorado to attend.

    We were just good friends in Jr. High, but according to his story, he had a deeper crush on me than I realized at the time. Since running into each other again and talking more, I’ve had to put him in check a few times just to get him to take a step back and chill out. I’ve told him I have no plans of going to see him in another state before I really even know him. So far, he’s been pretty good at honoring my requests.

    HG, I don’t want to go through life being afraid and paranoid with everyone I meet, but at the same time, I don’t want to be in denial of what’s lurking out there in the shadows. How can one tell if they’re going into a danger zone, or if the individual (like this guy) is just sincerely overly excited to have his damn dream come true?

    What can I say to this guy to find out whether I’m being paranoid or if I have legitimate reason to be concerned? I know by reading what I said, some might think the answer is a given, but it really isn’t as easy as it might seem.

    Back in the early years, he was always nice, kind, respectful and fun. From what I can tell, he’s still that same way and I think he’s good person. However, when I asked about his parents and siblings, he said his parents were divorced when he was a baby. His father was abusive to his mother. How far, if at all, that went into his childhood, I’m not sure yet. He said his dad is an asshole and both of his parents tend to play him as the favorite against his other siblings (he’s the last of 6) and he’s told them to stop doing it because his siblings deserve the same recognition. I see and hear Narcissistic possibilities more than I care to, but again, am I being paranoid?

    One last thing, he is in the military, if that means anything at all.

    1. Hello Sharon, let’s break this down.

      I recently started talking to a guy I knew from my Jr High years – an historical link is often used by our kind for the purposes of establishing a connection. How did the contact resume? Did you contact him or did he contact you?

      This new guy has sent me 3 YouTube songs in just the 6 days since we’ve been talking. – what were the songs out of interest? Nevertheless, this is a classic narc move.

      He’s called me princess, babe and sweetheart before even knowing me, and even after I asked him not to. – assigning a nickname is not in itself of concern, but I wonder if he ever uses your name. The use of a pet name in this way (which probably has been used by others) is indicative of the lack of recognising you as a separate person. He does not recognise boundaries since you asked him to stop but he has continued to do so.

      He sent me an email (“The Story”) describing why he’s so excited to see me again – if this was a one sentence compliment, no issue, but if it is a story this overpowering and love bombing

      and has sent me a list of Broncos games he wants me to choose from (2-3) and he’ll fly me out to Colorado to attend – grand gesture and controlling

      We were just good friends in Jr. High, but according to his story, he had a deeper crush on me than I realized at the time – classic narc comment

      Since running into each other again and talking more, I’ve had to put him in check a few times just to get him to take a step back and chill out – he hasn’t recognised boundaries

      I’ve told him I have no plans of going to see him in another state before I really even know him. So far, he’s been pretty good at honoring my requests – he has enough awareness to pick up on your discomfort and change the approach

      However, when I asked about his parents and siblings, he said his parents were divorced when he was a baby. His father was abusive to his mother. How far, if at all, that went into his childhood, I’m not sure yet. He said his dad is an asshole and both of his parents tend to play him as the favorite against his other siblings (he’s the last of 6) and he’s told them to stop doing it because his siblings deserve the same recognition – referring to his family in this way so early is questionable

      There are several red flags.

      I recommend that rather than ask things to flush him out, keep intermittent chatting and observe his responses and how he handles you not committing to meeting up. If he remains interested after a month and he has switched to talking about his life, asking about your life, chatting about day to day things then proceed with caution. If he lays on the charm thicker, walk away. If he disappears, he has taken your cool approach as a criticism and doled out a silent treatment.

  5. Oh yeah, right from the start, I received two CD’s containing a total of 20 songs from, The Rose – Bette Midler (every rose has a thorn) to I Want To Know What Love Is and Waiting For a Girl Like You – Foreigner. It’s amazing how hind site makes everything so clear. I always wondered how he was able to remember so many songs, and their artists, from years ago, but now I know, theyre ingrained in his memory just like a library card catalog.

  6. 1)…You stated in your response to my letter that you have “referenced many a song lyric here…and that “you simply think in song lyrics, movie quotes and the like”…I am referring to “that type of person…not stating I know which Genre you fit…but it is also a well known fact that both Em-paths and Narcissists seem to fit that criteria…of using music to speak positively or negatively for them so if that pair of shoes fits us both too…then I guess we both wear one…I am assuming you have narcissistic tendencies though…it is apparent due to your seeming to take offense to my claims…and asking so many questions at once here…and probably as you suggested don’t really care if I answer…or waste a great deal of valuable time answering these questions you really don’t want to know the answer to them really due to some of the cheekiness in the tone…but I will still humor you…cause my Momma may have raised a fool but not a quitter…

    2) I would assume that others… do not speak…when sometimes they might want to…but remain silent for their own reasons…some of HG’s posts can inspire and lift you up…as they are meant to…and make you want to pour your heart out…while others can leave you breathless…struggling for air all over again…as they too are meant to…no matter how educated or learned or experienced you are… this all too familiar up and down & push & pull…will make some unable to articulate .nor would you want to…as that is what they are intended to do as well…I actually wanted to respond on 2 other posts…from last week first…but had been away 3 days’ and when I returned…this one was up in the q next…and I responded to it first because there it was …and after reading the article and the comments…it was proving itself to be true… again by what I saw in the comments after this post too…like it did previously…as I said… At this time… when he now chose to make it his choice of topic…as I knew he eventually would…I chose to speak about my previous thoughts and insights I had then… I was patient and it’s time came…yes…I could see that coming…the references and use of this medium…was every where …throughout the whole forum and archives and comments…and was starting to show up more in his own postings and responses back to some of you…but the need for this articles birth… had been in the back of my mind since my 2nd post where I spoke about having left my own musical references…after I noticed this pattern… and… obviously it was being noticed by HG too before me or at the same time…because he chose to write about it…even though I know one member did specifically ask him to touch on the topic of music…I too… only speak at times on certain things…or hint at things that I am seeing or feeling as themes that I am starting to see emerge…..secretly…like I said…to see who’s actually paying attention and learning…& not just havin some fun…at the expense of others…this shit…is not just all fun and games…for some…this is life…and death…and some…of you, need to take this a lot more serious than just the fun game of cat & mouse you think it all is… when it catches up to me…I respond…when you see family members nearly drown or beaten to death…by the lesser types…many times before your eyes…and you yourself are repeatedly tortured over & over psychologically for another 30 years by a greater on top of that…you can some days only state your rank and serial number…you have a tendency to take this just a bit more seriously than some…especially the ones I see here that are masochistically begging to be the special one…love you to death…takes on a whole new meaning…if you hear anything I say…hear that…I have family members that do not function properly any more because of this life time of torture…including myself…so you go ahead now…and keep making light…of it all and me… while I get busy answering you…in full measure…

    3)…doesn’t take a genius or someone gifted to ask questions before they enter a room or watch others entering or leaving first…or make inquires so as not to give rise to suspicion of discomfort…so yes…I am capable of many ways of deduction…and using a lost commodity called “common sense”…do that enough…and there is no need to ask…it becomes second nature…a skill that you hone.

    4)…That riddle is like…if we are all on earth to help others…what are all the others here for…I only sometimes come up with answers…only because I cant be looking into everything at once…only some things at a time…and the others…don’t know to look…or don’t seem to know they are supposed to be…they too busy playing games and telling porky pies…I was being polite …

    5)…Genetics…DNA…ancestors…family dynamics when in-utero…and after…all play a role…so does…the type of narcissists you deal and the types of trauma and bonding you go through with their help…and you either develop it to this degree…or you don’t…you might develop…other skills…like envy jealousy and sarcasm…only…and nothing else…no insight to save your soul.

    6)…The minute that you start to have a desire to try to fix the situation for others…by thinking that you can be what that person needs in order to try take the heat or harm off of others or yourself…when you first desire to please…or think it is your responsibility to be the answer to whatever ails…you start at a very very young age…looking for answers…clues…hints…patterns of what they do…their routine…you get down pat…trying to stay one step ahead…because…you think you have to in order to survive… for not just you…but everyone else…because they can’t seem to do it…and what ever they are lacking in…that can’t please them…is causing you your grief too…you pay attention to what they like…how they like it…when they like it…and you always try to be there with what they want when you can sense or know they usually need something…& you try to ensure they have it…but children can not give adults what is missing…so this behavior starts to set us up to be always second guessing and thinking what is needed in advance to pull off anything big or small…people pleasers…perfectionists,advanced thinkers,good spouses,good employees…because the forward thinking and protection of assets…never stops…and you become good at everything out of necessity and the desire to be the best…to avoid abuse…you become a multitasking superwoman…but…you can not sustain that forever …for over time…their appetite becomes insatiable…and they see over time that you have nothing else to sustain this…as much as you both come to rely upon and need it like the air you breathe.

    7)…to share the info?…you say that you do not seek personally or set out yourself personally with this apparent mindset when you use musical references yourself… meaning that what I wrote about seeing some doing. That is good,if true,but I beg to differ on that by your tone in your questions and sheer amount of them…that you do play games like the others…maybe you too…are not aware…or like an N… would just deny if you were, but then you would just go ahead anyway regardless and show that your actions speak louder than your words…for all to see…and… you are sure you don’t have that problem, so then that statement I made about them…was not for you…& if you can not see what I did…or was trying to say to them or do for them as a favor…to them…and not you…(cause you don’t have this problem right)…then you lack insight…for some to not recognize these patterns that might set them up for more abuse…they needed to possibly know for their own sakes possibly?…that they may be still playing with fire…and setting themselves up in ways and patterns and behaviors they are not aware of that could cause then further harm…in future

    8)…don’t know if it was necessary to comment again on something we had both agreed on and I thought I had explained why adequately enough so as not to have to repeat a given…that…is…common sense…it didn’t need repeating…it was only done so that you could reemphasize your point…to make again…what point exactly then… a derogatory one then?

    9)…if you knew your stuff…you would also know then that fragmented writing also can go with the territory…and is mostly used for emphasis…and the fact that you have to actually…interrupt your own thoughts at times as they come out too fast…so…it has to be broken down that way at times…and I also have to sometimes break it down for some…because they are THICK…and can’t follow the thought process and yes…for all these talents I “claim to possess” they usually only come from a tormented soul such as my self for that long of a duration…which denotes…weakness in some areas…yes…absolutely…but I have gained strengths that help compensate…like no others… in some…

    10)…I must say how thoughtful it was for you to have taken the time to comment on my post and come up with all those clever questions…you know… and all of them thank goodness the kind that will not have you thinking ahead…you know…cause I’d be thinking that one over… given that statement… you have no reason to ask any of these in the first place…as you have no reason to guess ahead…therefore all of this was and is redundant then…right?…give me the luxury to respond or not…truly generous of you for sure…you are one cheeky madam…and are you really so sure that you will never again be tricked or fooled or taken in ever once again…by another…after…you were once…for how long again…prey tell…what is your story again…cause I with my photographic memory as well…I have apparently forgotten…everything I have read now about you it seems :)…

  7. Music has been a powerful force in my life with the ability to flash me back to instances in time! Music helped save my life! Rock music and it’s raw angry energy to filter my rage into and it doesn’t hurt anybody! It’s always hard to hear “our songs” or albums but I know that I am in those songs to! And that makes them mine just as much! I just play the songs and feel the feelings no matter what! Good or bad! Music tells our stories! We are in the songs to! We all live on with each other in music.unavoidable

  8. My exes liked country and smooth jazz. I hardly have any memories bc I don’t listen. Yuck! I would play DM, New Order and RAP. Today, the younguns and I debated the best. They are into Drake and that young stuff, which isn’t awful…I’m of the Old School 80s RAP.

    HG, if you had to pick a rapper (of course you don’t have to do anything) who would it be? Humor me, please? Then I’ll tell you mine. You may or may not be surprised. You can guess too, if you want.

    On an unrelated note, it would be so nice to have that ESP thing…lottery jackpot and all.

      1. Never would have guessed, thank you. Mine is Slick Rick. There can only be one Ruler. Even though he is raunchy with capital R, he is an excellent and hilarious storyteller.

  9. Yay,mrecovery play list ideas that I have used: “Brush your shoulders off”, “one less problem”, “another one bites the dust”, “fighter”, “let the bodies hit the floor”….just a few….

    1. I almost forgot—Sorry by Beyoncé is a great FU song too….love this one “I ain’t sorry…..hell no.”

      1. That sucks, Indy. No. I never filed a police report. It sounds like you have compelling evidence in case you do. Tell your HR and apartment management that you are being harrassed. You are entitled (yes that word) to a safe workplace and place to live (especially if you are renting). Ignore his outreaches. You are strong.

      2. Thanks Jaded and Persephone, well 250 calls now. I called police while on vacation as he left messages saying he’s got my cat and staying at my place til I return. Police said they couldn’t do anything as I’m in California and receiving calls here while he is calling from Georgia…that I’d have to send someone over to check physically to see break in. I have to file charges here in Cali too. It’s stupid. I sent friend over and my cat is not found and I have texts claiming he entered. Now I have to wait til I return to Georgia to file a protective order. I changed locks today via a family member thank god and hid my car. My HR, security at home and police know. I still have to keep him unblocked for MORE evidence for Georgia. I’m strong and I haven’t contacted him since our break up 2 months ago….I’m scared….is this sociopathic or just bad narcissism or….

      1. Totally, Persephone!!!! I love HGs take on 99 problems, might give JayZ a run for his money😊 on vacation in Cali now and listening to west coast vibes too 😉 unfortunates I am receiving a second round of hoovers😔 guilting me and demanding I call him to let him know if I “forgave him” yet and that he gave me two months to five him”. Citing that we were engaged and insinuating that he deserves this. it’s stressing me out, the texts and voicemails that I should have blocked way back but I foolishly wanted to know what was up…..feeling a little like a biatch but strong. No one tells me when to forgive, fucker!!!!!!

      2. Indy,
        I will call your attention (indirectly to the scene stealer) to the fact that I made that comment waaaaayyy b4 HG wrote his rap. Stealing my thunder anyone? What do you expect when dealing with N.
        Anyhoo….I lived in California for a few years. That was with N1 aahh, good times…bad times.
        Your N is a little biatch. He wants fuel not forgiveness. I was engaged to several Narcs. It means nothing. So your a little foolish…you checked your guns at the door but what he doesn’t know is you have hand grenades and chains. Lets go out on an Eminem note shall we?
        From Lose Yourself:
        No more games, I’m a change what you call rage
        Tear this motherfuckin’ roof off like two dogs caged
        I was playin’ in the beginnin’, the mood all changed…..
        Note that last line Indy. 🙄

      3. Cool, what part of Cali? I’m visiting family in Escondido. HG did what!?! Oh for shame! Naughty! Hey HG, how about giving some cred to Persephone, or “inspired by” 😜 Thank you for the encouragement with this recent onslaught of intense hoovers….called me 10 times and texted multiple times In a two hour period. He didn’t do this for the entire two months since I left, I got mini hoovers about two weeks after. He said “I gave you two months to forgive me”….boy please. “We were engaged” …..duh, I know that. Then it progressed to more irritated, “do you have someone else.” “Please just call me” “I can make it work” blah blah blah…then guilts me for not calling him…..I broke up with him face to face and he seems to forget….wth ….

        Yes, I need some angry woman power…..give me Lemonade album. Beyoncé…🐝🐝🐝 and pissed off Eminem⚡️

      4. Not a chance. The post was written three days ago and was placed on the scheduled list. Even if it hadn’t, I don’t dole out credit so freely!!

      5. I just re read your replay, you were engaged to several too? Thank you, it helps be feel better about no contact with him. I was feeling guilted bc he made it sound like I was acting cold and heartlessly. Where was he when I needed him? Yeah, F him!!!!!!

      6. I knew what they were and enjoyed playing. I used to like to see if….
        You are not heartless, just aware. I could think of a number of ways to be really heartless. But, I don’t do that anymore.
        Yes that’s right and the horse he rode in on.

      7. Thank you, Jaded1, he has now called over 100 times in a 24 hour period, left 30 texts, saying everything from threatening to come to my job if I don’t respond, threatening to break in my appartment and get my cat, and stating that “we’re engaged”….really???? where does I broke up with your sorry ass face to face 2 months ago with no contact afterf from me fit in there? He has also involved his parents Texting me and tried to connect me through LinkedIn. WTF? I thought I was done. HG was right about many things….I’m scared to block him as I want to know what he is up to so I can take protective measures, such as telling security at my work, appartment complex and my next step is calling police and filing harassment charges….have you or anyone here ever file harassment for phone calls in excess and how did the person respond???? Please advise? I know I am opening myself to grief by not blocking phone yet but I’m strong not to answer. The need to know is strong so I can protect myself. Please advise…

      8. Hi Indy. I am truly sorry for your troubles. Many of us have gone through very similar situations. Br grateful that you caught on in time. Be thankful you did not marry him. I am sure like the rest of us, that you experienced moments of great joy and great sadness. You broke off your engagement to him and managed to go no contact for 2 months. This says loud and clear that you are strong. You have therefore broken the 2 most important rules in his silent contract with you. If anyone leaves, it has to be them first along with their usual antics,and you are never allowed to turn your back by disengaging and must be available to him in any way he chooses.You have robed him of that future right, so he can’t help being angry at the present situation and that which you robbed him of in the future. If he believes that he really loves you, (his version of love remember) then yes, he is angry. If he does not know who he is and why he does what he does, he will be more hurt and bewildered for what he thought was a sure thing and lash out. They all do, just each does it slightly different. You were the answer to all his prayers remember this. The lesser and mid range get upset outwardly in this way. The further you had gone along in the charade, the harder that ability to leave and provide them with no contact would have become. So, in this respect, you are way ahead of the game than most of us. most of the greater types are very careful not to ever leave such evidence of their upset as he is now. The greater like mine also are better at postponing their reactions and methods of doling out punishment. Be thankful you are not me. I dated my mid range to greater for nearly 3 years, was married to him for just shy of 25 years, and have been separated now after leaving him over 4.5 years ago. My life is not much different on the whole though without him around constantly there. He assures this.The only things that are different are my surroundings (his friend that I live with) and further education on who we both really are to each other and others and why. I am now living in a totally different kind of purgatory. I can’t get back in, & can’t get out, he sees to it, and my steps toward independent survival are still being sabotaged at every interval by us both as usual due to what we have both become over time due to all this. We live in Canada. Due to our particular situation, the authorities have chased him through 6 provinces and as many jobs and houses you could think of. Triangulation?, anything and everything as usual but much worse since separation, but he does have his favorites like they all do. Agreements? yes, Registered, yes, follow them, no. Divorce, pretends he wants one, will continue to ensure that never happens. He comes home to our province about once a year feigning cooperation, when he needs my help to get the authorities off his back. but usually only stays long enough (but never with me) to get this help and make scouting visits for future moves. He is really only home to get that help because he has to, and to torment me because has no choice. He has intentionally set it all up that way for us both. He does what he wants to us both, and then uses me to get him out of most of the consequences. always did. And I loved him to death, just didn’t know he had mine intended first. That is what happens when you allow yourself to love them and be tied to them. I say most because they always have to leave something dangling or unfixed to assure future contact from me or the authorities and this is his process of getting help. Really he is only here to get that help that he needs and cause more heartache and grief to us both. Just like the past, he does give in some in order to get some help, but then as usual finds a way to take some of that back too before leaving again on another one of his solo adventures and starting the process all over again. Expecting me to heal in between this and his onslaughts because he knows I am a survivor. He is what our systems refer to here as a 1-5 % er. He still , and always will ensure that we both have “Clowns to the left of us” , “Jokers to the right” and that I will be stuck in the middle with him. Be grateful today…& Enjoy your vacation. I lost my father to lung cancer in April and my mother is suffering from full dementia. They were the start of all this. The further my mother regresses since his passing, and takes on her child persona, the more I can see how she and he both became ill and therefore more into myself and spouse as well. I am convinced that many of the long term abused develop dementia over time. you do loose your mind. HG…I need major help with this constant riddle. I’m not surviving this time, I can’t carry the cross any more like my devoted catholic mother. Isn’t it apparent and also the norm or a “given” is all I can say. What I would like to know is,did you finally let your wife go? or back in?. how and why if you please. If not here, then where?. if not now, then when will you write about this aspect more. you know this dance is killing me. Real help as they label it , out there in the so called real world for this situation you know I am in, as you are well aware, it doesn’t exist. I have searched for it all and done it all. But now it’s all just so like a cancer that I am just shy of finding a cure for. Many thanks for all you are doing and any insight you would be willing to share here or in person regarding that particular aspect of that situation in your life.

      9. Thank you Elaine and a useful reminder of the incessant nature of the Narcissistic Relationship. To answer your question, no I have not let her go. Nobody is allowed to go.

      10. Thank you EBS for the reminder of gratitude. Indeed, I am so grateful that I was not bound legally to my ex upper mid range cerebral narcicist (phew, what a long label just to say a smart manipulative jerk with an obsession to get a hold of me). He still is hoovering and stalking. Calls at least 50 times a day since Sunday. Texts several times too. I have to hide my car when I’m home. I’m scared as I know the statistics for battered women, it is most dangerous when you leave and a man is most likely to get violent then. Ive worked in the Mental health field for 20 years, I know.

        I wish you the best of luck in your very difficult situation. I wonder, can you disconnect and disappear from your ex so he doesn’t get help from you when he’s in trouble? I’m sorry about your parents. My parents have passed (cancer and heart attack) and I’m grateful no dementia. It’s a continual loss. I think you are onto something with the hypothesis that dementia like can be triggered or worsened by abuse/trauma. It is known that trauma can also set off other severe disorders, such as schizophrenia, cancers, physical illness, mental illness etc. It makes sense.

  10. Oh my ex used music all the time. One that he used was very Erie and at the time was in his throws of seduction.

    Possum Kingdom by The Toadies. One line he whispered in my ear “I can promise you
    You’ll stay as beautiful
    With dark hair
    And soft skin…forever
    Forever”…

    This now gives me chills every time I hear it!

  11. “One of my favourite methods of seduction is to not tell you how I feel about you directly but always convey it via the power of music.”

    OMG HG.!! This…this… where have you been all my life.?!?! deep sigh…what a great post.!

    My N always used music to bind us together. Even when we fought, he would sometimes call me and just sit on the phone in silence while he played a song in the background. Thereby, alerting me to how he felt about “us” in that moment. When he came back after 2 decades, every time he messaged me, he would mention Sinead O’Connor’s “Troy”. It worked :-/ Damn…

    1. CN was forever sending me songs, not just the titles, but the links to YouTube videos, through Skype, through email , through Fb, he would buy me music as well. The song he continuously sent me was No ones Gonna Love You by Band of Horses. He sent it to me before we were even in a relationship. I asked him was he trying to tell me something with the song, he said no he just thought I would enjoy it. Then admitted later whilst dating, it did have significance. That he loved me then and before then. I still enjoy the song. I sent him specific songs when he gave me silent treatments, he ignored them too.

      1. Yes, I’ve sent my N songs before when he gave me a silent treatment. He would never reply. But when he would return, he would casually play the song which is when I knew he had gotten the message. Oh..but no more. I don’t do anything anymore. Unfortunately, I love music. And of course, music in a love relationship for an empath is everything. Hard to listen to some songs that I love, so I don’t. Too soon…maybe later.

      2. Yes,it probably is to soon to Listen to those songs. I enjoyed the songs between Cn and I before Cn, so that helps, I don’t relate them soley to him, with the exception of a few.
        Yes, I agree about music in a love relationship, they even use that against us.

      1. Ha! I’ve actually been thinking lately that to be singled out by HG was a lot like the Eye of Sauron being focused on you.. spotlight of fury and fire…

        *I love looking through the archives of HG…

        *haha at hobbit 🙂

  12. Fortunately none of my exes were as sophisticated as you HG so I have no ear worms that remind me of them.

    This is a well timed article as I’m in the process of creating my recovery playlist which so far includes:

    I’m doing fine now – Pasadenas

    Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri

    Rise – Gabrielle

    and of course the classic

    I will survive – Gloria Gaynor.

    Any further suggestions greatly appreciated.

    1. CR12,
      Drive – Incubus
      …”So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive. Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh. It’s driven me before, and it seems to be the way. That everyone else gets around. Lately, I’m beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found…”

  13. Hey 19, ..Steely Dan
    That is soooo 80’s…was 80s your prime? You reference it so much I really do wonder your age. Oh, I wonder you….prince. The Arena knows I love and think in music…..this is detrimental as it will be used against me…sadly. I’ll go back to enjoying the silence.

  14. I was the one who sent songs, at least 20 and then I received two from him. This is what I do. I am sure he took this and the songs I sent to pass them on if you know what I mean.

    His songs
    David Gray “Please Forgive Me”
    and Walk the Moon “Shut up and Dance”

    My songs? Just know that once I assign a song to someone, I rarely recycle. So as of late, anyone who was lucky to get a song from me, it is theirs alone. 🙂

  15. lol. Fm. 😂😂😂😂

    I’ve was wooed with music by the three narcissists I was intimately involved with.

    The first one, the ex husband in our early twenties compiled a Motown play list and introduced each song in a manner that would have been the envy of any DJ. He introduced each song as a way to express his feelings. I was Cinderella held hostage by the cruel step mother and he was Prince Charming to the rescue. The song Ain’t No Mountain High Enough provoked memories long after I understood his type. He was a cerebral victim narc, who did the most damage to me because he flew under the radar of therapists in our six year marriage and ten year divorce because he did not curse, hit or name call. The paragon of virtue. I have to say now in his late 40s he’s perfected his techniques and now gathers fuel by using everyone else, family, courts and school system, church and mostly his wife who’s certainly a lesser type with strong bordeline traits. In the lengthy divorce I was also a strong fuel source because I had no knowledge of your kind.

    The second was a much older lesser type who’d previously relied on sex, charm and looks. He too used music. French, German and other languages I’m not conversant with. He’d get upset if I didn’t like the music he wanted me to listen to and sulk. He didn’t realize that with me being a loner, I didn’t mind the silent treatment for it gave me peace of mind and distance from his constant need for being around others and showing me off which I hated. I never lived with him. He loved picking up fights for makeup sex and needed constant validation that he looked 20 years younger, and was the envy of his friends. He gained fuel by showing me off to ex wives and by having multiple online affairs and porn. His greatest Hoover was a brilliantly worded email which I later found online, someone else’s copyright. Fortunately he didn’t ruin Max Raabe for me. 😎

    The last one was probably the most damaged. He masqueraded as a shy hypersensitive codependent victim of everything including the weather. By this time I’d already met your type and you HG. Your writing about his type gave me the clarity to break up with him 2 months after a fast engagement. He used the 80 and 90s music to express each thought I needed to hear but when we finally got together I was perplexed he didn’t seem to like the music he’d previously claimed to like. Reading how you describe the use of music had me laughing out loud. I had no idea that was a devaluation. In the most recent of 7th Hoover attempts he confessed to hurting me and asked me to change my email address as he still has access. He also told me he was in a treatment facility having ingested a strong ego dissolving psychedelic. As usual I did not respond though I’m curious if this mode of treatment works for your type.

    None of the those narc’s used rap music like you’ve noted.

    Thank you HG for giving me the opportunity to wander down memory lane with laughter instead of pain and tears. While I still can’t stand Motown, I can still enjoy 80s and 90s pop music.

    If I believed in the existent of a supreme deity, I’d say you were his messenger but I don’t. What you are HG is a man who is doing a lot of good, facilitating healing and on a greater scheme of things, helping reduce the numbers of codependents and narcissists in the next generation. You know what I mean. You’ve turned yourself into a gift to humanity. Kudos.

    1. Thank you CNM that is most kind of you, of course I am his instrument rather than messenger and thank you for sharing your experiences in such detail, I found that interesting to read. Your experience with the e-mail being someone else’s work is not unlike PM’s experience with a poem she received from CN.

    2. CNM,
      1jaded1 and I will have to take offense to the comment about Motown, we both have lived there. Detroit Rock City!
      Got my back 1J1?
      I am clearly playing here, don’t be hatin’

      1. Lionel Ritchie: “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”

        CNM: – click.

        Closes door to wrong memory archives.

      2. Lol Persephone. I don’t like the person who caused CNM to have bad memories of Motown. May his eyebrows singe off.

  16. (S0)…Mercy Street…I swear they moved that sign… ;)… Hi HG…this message of yours, is once again as usual… timely…When I first started subscribing to your site…I noticed that Quite a few of the members were using song lyric references / titles within their posts… I thought… in fact that it was quite normal behavior at first as I have seen this habit / ability / behavior?… most of my life & I assumed at first that it was mostly to help them to have another way to express themselves here too through “others” words at their disposal… as we all do at times…when we only have so many ways within our own spheres to say or convey the meaning of anything we are needing to,to any listener …but what stood out mostly was the sense that they were searching for…or trying to emulate… a closeness or the suggested sense to themselves and you…perhaps of a somewhat more personal relationship between you and them…if… only you and they got the reference…that is…then perhaps they would stand out to you…or have got to you…or “in”, in a way that some others possibly can not…I also see it being done only among themselves too at times…and then they are doing the opposite in that they are hoping that…YOU…might not get the reference…and that they then… along with all the other posters and responders that get it and reply…( that are not you)… (that they can then I guess feel a bit validated…and smart…and sure of themselves…and yes…a little bit narcissistic)…(cause you are teaching them to take back their power)…lol…they think singularly then collectively then …that they “think” they might have something they can feel superior about…meaning…if you possibly don’t know “everything”…as they believe you do now…so they have to test you…and their relationship with you……”(so)” they test the relationship in the hope that you will put in some time to research it… and then your response back to them to their remark will be one of your usual witty reply’s which will then make them feel extra special for you having worked so hard for them…lol…(another real song title thrown in now) “oh The games people play”……………so in homage to what I was feeling…then …when I saw this & (believe me I had by then read almost all archives and comments to date at that point and am continuing)…a couple weeks ago I participated along with this…most natural of phenoms I was seeing…(prior to this post)…I stuck one in of my own in during my second comment post…mostly…to make fun of us all…and don’t worry HG and other members…like they say lol… “I am a pro…don’t try this at home … when they stick their head in the lions mouth…unless HG immediately knew the reference…that I had given mostly to him…and then to you all as a clue into myself…and yourselves too…he does not know me from Eve as they say…only my type…& I am smart enough to know that I had not given him enough fuel to date so as to even be under the impression that he ever would have done “(S0)” in exchange for only the few measly words of praise that I had offered him to date at that point…compared to what he… has…given me…in return…( my statements to him of any praise are legit I can assure you all…no fooling around there with those statement of true praise)…but that did not matter to me…if he did see it and get the references intended…or if he respond…with even the slightest hint of acknowledgement you see…because… I was merely being bad…shame on me…and testing the waters again…like I do…in only the ways I can… everywhere I go too…like anyone else…seeing who is paying attention…the word (S0)…that I kept using all the time then…and like I did here again in this post…was a hint at the title of a Peter Gabriel solo album…simply titled…SO………………the last stanza of the song lyrics I had given before …as the other clue… It was not just into me…as I said… the truth be told…it is into us all…even HG……”Anne with her father is out in a boat…riding the waves …riding the waves on the sea…The song…was…Mercy Street…Tks for another great article…HG…”YOU da MAN”…bam x’s

    1. Thank you Elaine, that was an interesting analysis of the use of songs here and I think there is force in what you have written both in terms of the conveyance towards me but also between other posters for the reasons you have advanced. Perceptive.

      Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

      1. Why…thank-you for asking …yes sir HG…but…alas…I have recently found out that contrary to both mine and Huey’s original beliefs…apparently…I (don’t)…wanna new Drug !!… x’s

    2. It use song lyric And poetry in a relevant sense, directly relating to the articles posted as well as my own likes. Sorry Hg. Mine are never aimed at you. Shame on me, I suppose.

    3. EBS,
      I understand your point. I have referenced many a song lyric here. For me personally it is NOT to see if HG will react, it is NOT to feel “in” and it is definitely NOT to see if HG gets the reference. I simply think in song lyrics, movie quotes, literature quotes and the like.
      I had a very good friend who was an VP at a major car company. I went to the auto show with him and sat in a vehicle that his team designed. I asked if the gauges were lit in red because your pupils dilate less with red light, thus making night driving easier. He cracked up and said…uh sometimes the lights are just red. He knew me well enough to know that I overthink.
      So even though I see the possibilities in your statement but, don’t overthink it.

      1. Hi Persephone…I too…am an extreme audiophile and Movie buff…on that note…many of our types are…everything I eat sleep & breath is a song or movie title waiting to be slipped in somewhere……….I did not write that particular letter for any reason unlike yourselves in that I speak… when I feel a need to speak…I am touched and moved by everything I see and hear… to a hypersensitive degree and therefore because of that I do pertain the gift of forerunners and insight and ESP…that… for some of us seem to go hand in hand… I am also prepared to do leg work…and research that gives me I guess…somewhat of an advantage over others to help possess this insight as well… so…I just get to these conclusions well before others do sometimes…and rarely do I point this out as an advantage to others…it was mostly to admit that I too am guilty of the same use of music lyrics at times …so they can also see how they act…and how their actions might bee seen by others…I’m in others words…always doing a quick study…of my surroundings and who I am dealing with…this insight and sixth sense is due somewhat to abused woman syndrome…for some of us… this is where the hyper vigilance comes from…and like a Narcissist …it is usually without being noticed that I am doing this…I most likely would have an opinion to offer on everything written by HG himself and all the posters…but I do not post often…believe me…I could be as prolific as our beloved HG himself here…but…it’s not my forum…and I am here to learn as well…because…yes… for even me there are some very valuable oh hell…PRICELESS blanks being filled in here for me too…so…everyone else here in my opinion…has so much more of a further way to go to understand themselves and Narcissists than I do…the way I do… to state to a borderline (supertanker)…that has been living with and been doing dance a thon dancing with severe narcissists for over 51 years now…to not overthink things…you really think “I” have not heard that before?…no such a thing anymore…you are barking up the wrong tree I’m afraid here…(and believe me that is not meant to be mean or obnoxious that statement) not possible for me to not be that way…my mind is like a hamster on a wheel…24/7 …some… cognitive behavior techniques can help at times…but all my life I have had to learn to think ahead and be ready for what anyone needs before they know they need it in order to always stay on track…ahead of the game…no different than a true Narcissist will ever help the way they turn out… or how they have to be prepared for their next move…….to no longer do that which you suggest…means to lose any advantage…I may have had at any time in my life…there…(not trying to get one here)…for believe me…as any Narcissist will tell you obtusely..”.there is no competition here”…to NOT have that perception …perspective… and insight that I pertain now…I would not know how to function any other way…and like a N…feel I would no longer exist…and am only trying to share that information with others… that may not have seen this aspect…in the others here …or themselves… nor would they ever understand that this exists…this dance…with all others…all aspects of their life…or that it can be seen and researched on this blog to the degree that I have…now…how can that be a bad thing to write about…or do…for myself or others…In one of my other postings I stated that I very much enjoyed reading many of the other members /posters comments but that I was not going to ever most likely respond to anyone individually… or point out anyone personally in posts… mainly because I believed that each one of us has something valid to say…big or small…right from lower to elite…each through their own tells and so called testimonies…individually and collectively…to point out someone in particular…is usually in order to narrow them down for a reason…because you think you need to say something to them…or teach them a valuable lesson…or…ask them a question…and…I see no questions to me from you ??…so…in lieu of one…I will add that your red light question to the dealer…I see as absolutely valid…lol…you see…everyone else in my opinon…”under thinks”… everything…X’s

      2. 1. How do you know what type I am, is your esp telling you?
        2. Do think that nobody else speaks because they need to speak, or can we surmise that when you don’t feel the need to speak you keep quiet?
        3. Being hyper – sensitive, can you tell what the temperature of a room is before you walk in it?
        4. So being you said that “you draw conclusions more than others some of the time”, does that mean that others draw occlusions more than you most of the time?
        5. On what basis have you developed your superiority or were you just born with it?
        6. Just curious, at what age did you gain the ability to engage in a dance-a-thon? This is just so “I” will know when “I” will be able to engage in a dance-a-thon and not fall behind.
        7. The information sharing that you’re referring to, is that thinking ahead or is it just not paying attention? (i.e., it was not a dealer)
        8. This is a statement. I agree with you. You are an overthinker.
        9. Hope I’m not underthinking here, but do you fragment your writing because your thought process is staggered?
        10. This is a statement. Thanks for stating that you would “never point out anyone personally in posts”. This is helpful because I don’t posess the luxury of ESP. I have no reason to guess ahead in this forum, because I feel confident about myself.
        In summary, questions were provided for you to peruse and answer if you feel inclined. I am guessing with your foresight and ESP you already knew that or perhaps, this is just me feeling the need to speak and it not directed to anybody.

    4. I’m still digesting this. It takes awhile with my simple mind. You have been on the receiving end for 51 and plus years and you have found your way here too. Please don’t discount those of us who are not as seasoned? We are trying to heal too, even though we may not have been on the receiving end as long.

      I’m just going to say that this is NOT a playin sorta thang. When my ex sends me a text when a sequel to a film comes out 20 years after the original film and gives me a back handed compliment of how things were in good times, well, it reminds me that this shit never goes away.ever. When we were together, drive bys and incessant phone ringing was commom. More sinister events as well. Innocuous? Not quite.

      Regatding music, i have earbuds permanently afixed in my brain.

      The last time I was in the in crowd was when I picked Steve as the manager of my soccer team. I was 8. I’ve said more than once that if I saw HG i would run. Masochist? Only to my sadist self.

      When I was 3, I asked a lady why her red toenails didn’t match her shoes. When I was 6, I was small for my age and a lady commended me on how I tied my shoes. Duh lady…I was 6 and I told her. When I was 7, I developed sailor mouth and a diet of soap. He snuffed that smartassery out when I was 9. HG allows me to dip my toe back in. If he objects, I will stop. Like you said, it is his forum. I don’t pretend to be any more than an appliance.

      Music has been there for me every step of the way when people haven’t.

      I hope you continue your healing.

  17. He courted me with musical quotes via texts & on FB, but what confused me at the time were his choices. Most were songs and quotes from artists I didn’t listen to at all. Bands from the 1980’s. I would Google the quote to respond to him, having never heard the song before. The songs themselves meant nothing to me.
    Guess he was recycling the same songs over and over.
    Last I checked, he was still doing that online to his newest supply.
    Same songs – interchangeable ladies.

      1. It hasn’t, you can still make mixed CDs, HG. He made me many. I loved them best of all. When he chose music that made him think of me or us. I still play them when driving in the car. Because they are songs he knew I liked,
        BTW, that is how boys show they like/love you, or narcs pretending to show they love you. HG back in your youth, did you make any girls mixed tapes? I bet you did .

      2. I prefer CDs, books and actual photographs, I am tactile. That is lovely gesture young man….he wasn’t like you. Music is always a wonderful gift.

  18. The night I walked and disappeared he brought the subject of narcissism. I believe he was trying to provoke a reaction out of me. It didn’t take but a few minutes to put it all together, I will never forget the tone of his voice when I looked into his eyes and heard him tell me ever so quietly to never go against him. It was the first time I ever felt fear. He always had a hard time provoking me. He got a reaction just not the one he was expecting. I disappeared and from everything I have read I cut him deep. I took almost everything from him, hence forth why I believe he took everything from me.

  19. Dear Music Lover,

    We here at The Loving Heart Foundation have found it most troubling at your intent to use music to manipulate. We not only love music at our foundation, we wish only to have it used in a positive way.

    We have found and agree that music is a powerful tool. However, it is never EVER to be put into the devil’s tool kit. Doing so will result in creating an elastic heart.
    Please heed our warning. This would not be compatible with your nefarious acts of using said music, as you seek a malleable heart. One you can pound or coerce into shape.

    As this is a foundation with unlimited membership, we wish you to join us. There is no cost to you.

    If you act now we will send you the greatest hits of the 80’s. This has been selected especially for you, as we have tracked your past musical preferences. It contains hits like:
    Poison Arrow – ABC
    Tainted Love – Soft Cell
    Secret Lovers – Atlantic Starr
    The One I Love – R.E.M.
    Don’t You Want Me – Human League
    Pictures of You – The Cure
    Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)- Journey
    And much, much more!

    This is a limited time offer.
    Don’t miss out.

    Sincerely,
    I.M. Thickskinned

    1. Dear I.M. Thickskinned,

      Thank you for your thoughtful gesture. I am always delighted when somebody takes the time to select music for me. By way of thanks, I have compiled the following playlist for you.

      – Depeche Mode “Enjoy the Silence ”
      Simon and Garfunkel ” The Sound of Silence”-
      Exitmusic “The Silence”
      Crystal Castles “Year of Silence”
      Pavement “Silence Kit”
      Portishead “Silence”
      Mazzy Star “Mary of Silence”
      Delerium – “Silence”

      I think you will get the message.

      Cheerio

      H G Tudor

      1. O.M.G. (insert image of steam coming out of Clarece’s ears)
        Bonk goes the paper airplane into H.G.’s head to the tune of The Heavy’s “How Do You Like Me Now”.
        So maddening!!

      2. That is a favourite song of mine. It plays in my head as I stroll away from handing out an HG Howitzer to some epsilon semi-moron at work.

    2. Made me laugh all the N romance song from the 80s…well played. Literally. Add culture Club, do you really want to hurt me…and my personal favourite, when love breaks down, by Prefab Sprout, I know you don’t like that song HG.

      1. I’m more a King of Rock and Roll kind of guy as er my uncle used to play it to me because he liked Prefab Sprout because I am only 19.

      2. I like Elvis as my other grandfather liked him and he played that music for me. I was referring to PM mentioning Prefab Sprout. Any song which refers to hot dogs and jumping frogs gets the Tudor thumbs up.

      3. My ex husband MN is called Peter, my daughter still refers to as the one who ends in R…for me k. Now I think we are referring to something else lol

      4. I like that term, Naricmum….mine didn’t want children. Ended up with twins.
        You are a jewel, P. Music can save your soul….well, if you have one….sorry, HG. You can still sing and dance to it. Tap finger, tap foot and tap Into the core of an Empaths heart

      5. So many demons, seen and unseen. Ha ha Persephone, btw love the name change, the Gravatar image…not as much. Matches HGs evil banner though.

      6. Thank you. Thematic photo. Goes with the decor here. Have to keep some kind of flow. It reminds me of the core of the arena….a warning to myself.

      7. Burning desire and questions….CN liked me to use the two burning flamed hearts as my cover photo on fb, he said it signified us as twin flames.

    3. Brilliant! Where do I order? Can you add Harry Nilsson’s “You’re Breaking My Heart”
      Perfect lyrics!

      1. Steeviann,
        I will add that to the list. In fact i see your song and raise you one….Breakin’ my heart (pretty brown eyes) by mint condition. Although that was narc fiance number 5s song to me when I broke up with him. Aahh memories, I gotta listen to that now.

  20. Is this the article you wrote for me HG? But I didn’t get to see it as it was posted when I was way from blog? Thank you so very much.
    It is wonderful and and see you mentioned the “song” as well.
    I have no negative connotations or memories to music, we shared such similar music tastes. Music was something beautifully shared between us, it will only make me smile to hear certain songs. Not to mention we bought each other much music so, that sphere of influence is definitely effected in so many ways, with music.

      1. What about the one on co dependents? A breakdown on the fuel factor of the different types of empaths and co dependents, similar to the different schools and cadres if Narcissists? As you know I am trying to figure myself out, as well, as the CN.
        Thank you again.

      2. Thank you PM, there is a publication called The Seven Sins of the Empath which envisages what you have described, it is about 10% written so far.

      3. Fantastic, I shall wait for the book then. Unless you plan to premise it with an article pre release? Which book is due to be released next, ACON or Little Boy Lost..are you still writing Dark Cupid?

      4. I am working on a few. The Lesser Narcissist or 24 Hours will be released next. Yes I am still working on Dark Cupid, but that is only for those of a strong constitution.

  21. Ahh, Total Eclipse…one of my first favorite songs (thank God it wasn’t with DN so I can still enjoy it). So many others are forever tainted though….I’ll still Rock on!

  22. Luckily I never got this with my most recent ex. But after leaving, I found that I started adding a lot of songs to my own soundcloud that reflected various stages of the relationship. Some sad, some sexy, some more empowering/f-you.

    1. Make sure you add Alanis Morissette, “Oughta Know” to that f-you playlist. Timeless!! 😉
      My ex-husband and I had such vast tastes in music, I gave up really listening or attaching myself to music in anyway. It really does not phase me in the slightest to be sent a song. Post-divorce for 3 years straight, I only listened to Eminem, probably in retaliation of him. And Eminem is not about romance at all. Channeling anger more like it. Lucky me!

      1. Do you know I cant find it, I think I must have pushed it in the river although it made strange noisse as it went beneath the cold, cold water, it was a banging noise and a muffled voice said something like,
        “But I still love you.”
        Odd.

      2. You parted with your beloved vehicle? A complimentary extension of your sinister power? That’s not like you.

      3. Some of mine were Echoplex and Discipline by NIN, They Fuck You Over by Le Butcherettes, Wing Clipper by Whilk and Misky, Letting Go and Phoenix by Fmlybnd, Do You Feel It by Chaoschaos. Renaissance by Steve James.

      4. That is one of my favorites and I listen to it often with the rest of “Jagged Little Pill”

  23. OMG… I’m am sitting here crying after reading that article… I have read about how you use music as one of your tools but reading how you send a text of one of the song titles and suggest that you look it up on YouTube was the exact same thing that was done to me. I had never come across anything like this before and did think it was a little strange at first. I would get up to ten a day. She was also clever to hit every genre so now when I scroll through the radio I hear one of those songs on every kind of station. But I did learn from you HG to quickly change the station when I hear the first chord. They really are powerful triggers for me. Thank you. It really does help…. Have you ever used a song to give a warning? She had “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift as my ring town. I never listened to all of the words til after I left and I broke down listening to them. Are you familiar with the song? I really do think you are incredible for answering everybody’s questions. 🎼

      1. How early in the relationship do you use the “threat” song? Does everyone get the same one?

  24. …There`s nothing I can do….total eclipse of the heart.

    It gives me great satisfaction to know that when someone hears a certain song, they will forever and always think of me.

  25. Music yes, incredibly powerful tool to say the least.
    For a long time I couldn’t listen to certain songs then I started playing them and everytime thoughts of him would come I stopped them immedatatly and changed what I was thinking while listening to the song. It was painful yet necessary to rewire my thinking.
    HG does your kind give hints as to what you are to a source?

    1. Not directly. There will be things that might be said which give some inkling but you have to deduce it from behaviour and what is said generally.

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