Naturally everything has to be about me but in order to reinforce the fact that I am such a generous and magnanimous chap, I do like to let you join in as well. I still have much to share with you about the manipulations and machinations of my brethren and I. There is plenty to tell you about my ongoing interaction with the good doctors, the origins of what I am and the conflict that is to come with MatriNarc. The articles that await publication and which wait to be written are burgeoning. Nevertheless, if there is any particular aspect of the narcissistic dynamic that you would like me to expand on I would be grateful to receive your suggestions. Have I touched on something you would welcome some expansion on? Is there an unfulfilled part of your questioning mind that keeps gnawing away? Is something still not making sense to you and you want to know more? Perhaps there are further revelations you have unearthed about your own experiences and you would like my observations? Maybe you want to hear more of a particular type of behaviour? Whatever it is do let me know and I will give careful consideration to writing about the topic for you. I look forward to your suggestions.
254 thoughts on “Speak Up!”
Just think about it, that while I am embarrased to cry in public, movie/wedding/anything that touches, the narc will exhibit his tears triumphantly, and make you feel cold hearted and inconsiderate, if you even doubt his public exhibution of “sorrow” or “happiness”.
It happened to us at a wedding.
And today, long time after that, I was moved by reading something on the net while working, and was so embarrased to be seen like this.
Bur not the narc.
He even came here at my office with flowers and tears and almost kneed.
But I know he is such a big forgery. He wanted to have a house to live in because he is a gambler with many debts.
One on “super empathy” please
Thank you TC, I have added it to the list.
There are some truly great suggestions here, but I`m going to go out on a real limb here and add my idea to the list…..
I think you should write an article describing your personal care routine à la American Psycho, as I mentioned before. If anyone can give Brett Easton Ellis a run for his money, it`s you.
I`d also like to state for the record that I like your business card best.
Ha ha, thank you B&T, I shall certainly bear that in mind when I have finished my stomach crunches, I can do a thousand now.
Well HG making you famous would give me something to do now. Lol.. Sounds like a project!
Marvellous, I shall await your business plan!
Have u done an article on tha narc and their word salad yet?
It is in the list Jules, thank you.
A while back, we conversed about the concept of “splitting” and how your brain will only process everything in black or white / good and bad.
It would be interesting for me and hopefully some of the other readers, if you wrote more in depth on this in actual practice. Meaning, give an ex-girlfriend story where she went from good to bad in an instant through an action that probably would seem completely ordinary to us, but was a major wounding to you, so then the fallout from that action was whatever the outcome was. I love your ex-girlfriend stories. It gives a point of reference for our scenarios we are coping or coped with.
It is in the list, thank you Clarece.
The long fingers are only beautiful on a hand that is well proportioned. I know as I have looked at hands my entire life.Beautiful hands is a must for me to be attracted to someone. Beautiful, well formed and proportioned hands. What a turn on. Long skinny fingers with no substance, pencil appendage. I don’t know but it seems like it to me. Just in my experience. But we also know that it is NOT true for what they say about men of color.
But what do I know? I am just a victim over here.
Question for HG – The cycle. Love bombing, devaluation, discard. Could you elaborate on different types of discard while you are still in the relationship? I see the love bombing and devaluation phases but how can I identify the discard. Unless is isn’t a phase just an action such as the silent treatment. I feel like I’m just constantly in devaluation.
Thanks Exhausted,I understand you confusion and of course it is deliberately done. I have made a note and will write something to accord with your request.
Not a bad idea. We should definitely be writing something. Many talented writers here. Only One Master Writer of course….but yes a Collaboration would be nice and fun.
Its the better of 2 evils, for lack of a more appropriate explanation. Either my s*×t for brains, retarded lab money narc or being on the sidelines here. Its intriguing, otherwise we wouldnt crave for more. Basically it keeps me from the opportunities that I can leave myself open to vulnerable for the next encouter.
HG i have a question for u. Which, may possibly lead to a couple others depending on ur answer. Should i ask here or email u?
If you are comfortable with others reading them do post them here as other readers will no doubt be interested in your experiences. If not, you are welcome to email me.
When a Narc is in their late 80’s and primary sources are not so easily available, does the Narc over time then treat the secondary or tertiary source the same manipulative and controlling way they would treat a primary source? If they can’t find a suitable primary source due to their age what kind of mental state would manifest?
If there is an absence of a primary source then the N must rely on the supplementary sources(both secondary and tertiary) in order to obtain fuel. If this situation persists then the N may well discard secondary and tertiary sources and replace them once their fuel provision has become depleted (by relying on it for too long) or the N may decide to devalue the secondary and tertiary sources in order to extract negative fuel instead. Energy levels will be lower.There may be periods of rage and then depressions as fuel levels fall too low.
Your blog has been illuminating! The craziness and confusion of the past 11 years finally make sense. Thank you! I feel like the only choice is for me to leave him. How do I begin no contact without creating fuel or ghosting? With gratitude!
Hello Italian Girl and thank you for your kind words.
To establish an effective No Contact I recommend you read Departure Imminent and No Contact, then arm yourself with Black Hole, Smeared and Exorcism. Reading the content of those books will assist you in your stated aim and save my fingers!
The responses alone are enough to keep someone coming back. Its like a soap opera. U guys are a trip. Lol.
If possible, an article about different forms of narcissism (the con man, the lazy one etc)
Maybe one about the difference between psychopathy and narcissism.
I’d like to know more about Luitenants, how do you select them and maintain them.
One on consent.
One on that creature inside of you
One on sexual ‘deviant’ behavior (I’m reading a lot of stories of victims being pressured into humiliating things) – something like your “Hush” article
Narcissism across different cultures?
That’s seven things… I’m not even getting started lol
Thanks TC some good suggestions there. I have added them to the list. The creature gets its own book which is wittingly entitled The Creature.
HG have you ever had a primary source who had children? If so, how did you interact them. I am also curious to know how the narcissist view their own children. Do they feel real love for them? Can they feel empathy when it comes to their own children?
Yes. I was charm personified because I could always put them down again.
Narcissists regard children as appliances in their own right from which they can draw fuel, they can use to triangulate with the IP primary source (Daddy loves you more than Mummy doesn’t he?/ I would let you but your Mum says no) and to claim their child’s achievements as their own (He gets his brains from me/ of course he is great at football, I coached him).
No they do not feel love for them as you understand love to be.
No we do not feel empathy for them.
Some Ns consider children as threats to their own fuel supply by taking up the attention of the IP primary partner.
(Daddy loves you more than Mummy doesn’t he?/ I would let you but your Mum says no) and to claim their child’s achievements as their own (He gets his brains from me/ of course he is great at football, I coached him)
I always pointed out to my ex when he said like statements how damaging and twisted it was, he always laughed said I took everything so seriously just joking etc…it never felt right to me, from my own childhood I should of known, all those pesky red flags!
I wonder if Narcs can ever be real Christians In church. Confused !
Churches attract our kind NFM but our kind are not Christians in conduct.
When I watch a television drama or film ( I only ever watch British ones) i used to really enjoy them as long as the acting was outstanding and convincing.
The more I learn about Ns, I still enjoy them but, I’m always observing evryone very closely now and somehow some actors are not as versatile as I had previously thought.
An example, Stephen Graham (this is England). Loved him, brilliant actor. But I was watching him tonight in the watchman and it seemed hard for him to act certain emotions. I’d never noticed this before.
Anywya my point, do you notice this with some actors ? Does it ruin your enjoyment ?
Thanks. I kneo my questions are a little obscure but you have so generously answered most things though your books and blogs
I still think Stephen Graham is a decent actor, although I have no watched the programme to which you refer. I certainly do notice that certain actors have a limited range and always have noticed this. It does not ruin my enjoyment because it provides me an opportunity to triangulate their shortcomings and draw praise for my observations/disdain for my observations from whoever I am watching the programme with. If I am alone I will text somebody to make the point or call them.
For me HG, I’d really love to know more about the creature. How does it manifest? How does it make it’s prescence felt. What would happen if it were to escape it’s confines? What would happen if you were unable to keep it under control?
I know these scenarios are probably horrific for you to contemplate, however I ask as I think that more than one of the narcs I have been involved with has not had the creature fully under control.
Also all your advice is about going no contact and/or avoiding emotional interactions with your kind. I totally get why this is best for the empath. However there is no lesson learned by the narc when we do this and they will simply continue their behaviour with another.
So I am wondering if you would try coming at it from the angle of how we as empath’s can encourage the narcs to change or to try to get help and also the kind of help that would be beneficial. A kind of handbook to aid in the narcs recovery.
I ask this as all the services currently working with my son are focused solely on managing his behaviour. What is really needed though is to help him effect change to allow him to function well as an adult and live a fulfilling and well rounded life.
Thank you CR12, the information about the creature will be contained in a book entitled The Creature. It will comprehensively deal with those aspects you have raised.
I will give some thought to your other suggestion although I suspect that may well be contingent on what happens with my ongoing interaction with the good doctors.
Why are Ns so obsessed (not all, I realise this) with superheroes ?
Sorry about the delay in replying Alexis, my underpants were stuck on the outside of my suit.
I have made a note. Thank you.
Hahahah that made me laugh really hard. now that I’d like to see !!
Actually I think id like to see that too hahahahaha!!
PM…how could you partner???
I’m left by myself with……HIM!
The beast is waiting for me In the parking lot, said he will whip me with his tail,if I am good. Ooh, the anticipation. Here’s my notebook, look at the spell in back.
Query…..your real name starts with J?
Yes, my name starts with a J.
I would LOVE you to give me a Game plan – I am certain this will be come effortless for your master mind of manipulation?? I would very much like the N in my world to resign. I want him out of the company! He is very well liked by the MD (and especially by his next victim) but for me to move on, I need him gone – FOR GOOD! I am his boss so have to be careful! Attempted the suttle hints of Criticism like you suggest in your books ie praising people with ambition but need the ugly rat out?? Help me HG, I know you have the knowledge! X
Hello ITSY, are you wanting an article about compelling the withdrawal of a narcissistic individual at work so they resign and go elsewhere or something specific to your circumstances?
The comments on the long fingers made me laugh…I have watched too many horror movies, I automatically assume vampire…..oh wait, yes, that’s right, energy vampire. I have long fingers and have been referenced to the other type of vampire for being so fair, I wouldn’t be sucking blood , though. Maybe the book is shielding his face from the impending sun.
Persephone, I assume. He refers to things( people to rest of us) in sexual terms, so E for erection and O for orgasm. I may be wrong and of course, he will say I am.
And again if you were paying attention you would know what the initials stand for.
Of course I will say you are wrong. Because you are.
I do recall. It is one of the many books I have, but I don’t focus on that information when I read your words. Good thing one of us didn’t mind being wrong.
What is it then since you do recall?
I replied before you ask, oops wait that may signify functioning, best stop that.
I believe you as it did appear rather quickly. You can wave at the epsilon semi-morons who have been kept back. Off you go!
So harsh….let me gather up my books and scurry off then.
Earnest and Obsessive
Correct. You are excused detention.
Ha ha, I wasn’t aware there were demerits or detention. Just for me, I suppose. For riling the Beast.
Oh there is no prejudice here PM.
I hate everyone equally.
I love everyone equally.
Geez, glad I ditched class yesterday and skipped this little pop quiz. I didn’t realize they weren’t actually their initials… 😳
Omg me too! That reference completely flew over my head. I thought he had doctors probably named Dr. O’Malley and Dr. Emmons. Lol. Chalking it up as a blonde moment for me.
I don’t even have that excuse. In school I was the one hiding off to the side or back of the class and doodling in the margins of my notes. :-p
Yes, it was rather harrowing, Lilly.
I am still interested in the fact two individuals from the same family or from different families can suffer identical or like abuse as young children let’s say by the age of 6, and one will develop into a narcissist and the other will develop into a codependent. I know you have touched on this a bit, however maybe as you have with the lesser to the greater write how a narcissist feels and acts to situations and compare it to the codependent so other’s can see although the two have different motivations the hunger and need to keep a beast at bay is eerily similar. The narcissist beast being dark and hungry for other’s to fill the void and keep the creature from breaking free, the codependents beast attacking the self and seeking others to continue the attack to keep the pain of trauma from being realized as the codependent rescues, saves, and denies or hides and clings to illusions to emotionally function, often times functioning as a whole for the couple or family unit.
Or perhaps write about the Codependent’s addiction to abuse, the need only a narcissist can fill, as you do describe the codependent is the prize of the narc, naturally the narc is the prize for the codependent. A codependent is key to keep the abuse cycle going as we know as soon as no contact is implemented the abuse is subsided substantially and eventually stops. I think there needs to be a deeper understanding the marked difference between being empathetic and codependent.
I feel like I am a recovering addict and will be one for the rest of my life, I have to make disciplined choices everyday, I have to fight the urge to relapse, I have to continue to re-train my brain and I know I can never stop this, or I will find myself spiraling on the roller coaster high I know and disgustingly love so well. I am not blaming the victim, I just think there is an awareness that can be useful here that seems to be less expressed.
Hello CC, thank you for the suggestions you have made, I have added them to the list as they will certainly provide some different perspectives.
I agree with CC. I would also like to see or learn more on the levels of empathic and co-dependent. My idea is that having a self test available for the victims, would be a great tool for everybody to determine if they vulnerable or not. This may be also a great marketing avenue.
Thank you Dee, I have made a note and will be applying my mind to this in due course.
O stands for obsessed. ..with HG 😉
Correct Maddie. Someone has been paying attention. Have a gold star and sit at the front of the class.
I predict pain in your future……glue your pedestal….hope you are not an amateur, it’s going to be fun to watch….I’m making popcorn!
Just because you got it wrong. Tut tut!
Come up to the major leagues then talk that trash.
I don’t understand.
Play opponents with no skill…you can knock off quick. Play in the big leagues, game is harder. Can’t handle a harder game?
Got you. Oh I enjoy a challenge.
Little alzheimers my friend? Challenge accepted?
U need a tougher opponent.
You can’t respect someone who kisses your ass…Ferris bueller
I have a question to ask:
The relationship I had with the narc wasn’t straightforward, (is there such a thing with a narc?). When it began I had usual love bombing etc, then abrupt discard. Then a friendship on/off, then a partial rekindling about a year later. But he always said we were only friends etc. But I was an emotional support, cleaning up his messes, lent him money and so. So it was a longish involvement of some kind, or enmeshment. I always hoped for more and was hanging in, thinking if I did ‘better’ he might change his mind. Obviously during this time there were lots of women.
So to get to the point: we went for a weekend away. We’ve always got on in an intellectual way, good company and chemistry. Or so I thought. However, whilst he shared a bed with me, and we were sexually active, he would never go actually have full sex with me. (I’m being straightforward because I can’t be bothered with euphemisms). Now I know he was attracted to me but he wouldn’t do that. Now I’m talking about a man who has definitely not been fussy in the past. He’s slept with hundreds of women and also prostitutes. And I’m the ONE person he can’t have sex with. WTF?
The reasons he gave were vague, ‘I’m not ready’, ‘we can be lovers of friends’. I felt rejected, unattractive, humiliated, it felt withholding, hurtful, as though I weren’t good enough. It was horrible for me. I felt like, ‘is there something wrong with me?’.
However, he wanted to maintain a friendship, was happy to borrow money from me, I’d take him out for his birthday, he talked to me about emotional problems etc.
1. What I don’t understand is why go only so far in sex and not all the way in that moment?
2. Why even get into that situation, as in going away with someone for a weekend, someone you know loves you, in the first place? Why share a bed with them?
3. And why not just say something like, if he didn’t want to have sex with me, ‘I don’t fancy you’. That, I can understand. That makes sense. I respect that.
But why all the vague, wishy washy non answers.
4. Why all this ‘friend’ v. ‘Lover’ nonsense?
I just found the whole thing incredibly insulting actually. And it does really niggle. It doesn’t make sense to me. Why couldn’t he just make sense?
Thank you in advance.
From what you have described I suspect that your N targeted you as an intimate partner and commenced the love-bombing but then identified that you were not matching his expectations in some way as an IP primary source. Don’t think this is a criticism of you. You will not have done anything wrong but you will have from his perspective. Rather than devalue you, you were discarded as he decided that you were not going to fulfil the role. However, he still saw merit in your and therefore demoted you to an inner circle friend. This is what you became. You provided fuel and residual benefits (lend him money, take him out to places) but he did not want you as an IP primary source. The failure to engage in full sexual intercourse is indicative of this friend status but he is also punishing you for failing him as a prospective IP primary source.
Turning to your questions.
1. Going so far sexually drew fuel and accorded with your status as an inner circle friend. Denying you full sex was a method of drawing fuel by punishing you.
2. To gain fuel and then to gain further fuel through punishing you.
3. Why would he does so when he knew he could do as he wanted and gain fuel.
4. As explained above.
Great! Thanks for taking the time to reply.
So it sounds like I was relegated. I went from the Premier League to Second division, I went from Chelsea to Luton because of a barely perceptible infringement, (invisible set of rules).
The withholding of the consummation of the ‘relationship’, such as it was, was in itself a source of fuel? This is how I read your answers.
So the power of withholding, the ‘punishment’ was in itself a source of fuel. As well as serving the purpose of an actual ‘punishment’ because I didn’t do as well as I should have in the premier league, therefore, I didn’t deserve sex?
Plus in not being straightforward, by plainly stating, ‘I don’t find you attractive’, I could be kept on a string, still responding to his machinations as he willed.
If he had been transparent, then he would run the risk of me abandoning him, and he would lose a source of fuel.
yes, think I got it.
The power of withholding or withdrawal will draw fuel from your surprise, hurt, frustration and so on. The wielding of negative behaviour is just as powerful as wielding it through commission.
Yes you have assessed the situation and my observations correctly Gem.
I thought I’d replied to this to say thanks for your thoughts on my situation as described.
You are welcome Gem.
Then….that is you. Let me have my friends at FBI have a look at that…muhuhaha!
Oh and one more one more thing….the picture, guy has black red notebook…..stolen from Dr. E, or are you really Dr. E. writing about the mind of your past patient? Plot twist?
I’m not Dr E, I have charisma and I am interesting. That is my journal in which all my best ideas are placed.
Stolen from Dr E or left at your house by hot Dr. O? Btw does that O stand for what I think it does?
You should know what it stands for if you’ve been paying attention!
*hits with ruler* OW! I do know and I am paying attention. I’ll replay the Silence playlist in the corner. 😛
Oh one more thing…..in the beginning you said that you had 20 sessions with the good doctors….are you now every week for the duration or are you finished?
Not finished. It is every 10 days or so at present.
Are they still forbidden to read your blog or do you share more with them now?
They remain barred although I talk about it to them. They will read it, I am not stupid. Hello Dr E and Dr O, no doubt you were amused by the labels you were given?
20 sessions is not very long for a lifetime of NPD
Hence why it has now been two years.
Hi HG. If uv written about it already pls direct me to which book or blog ill find the answer to this. So far iv read that the narc loves to invade our space, disrupt our girly meetings,keep tabs on us at all times and pretty much just be invasive in every way. Yet in other books of urs it says u do not include urself in family gatherings and dont go on holidays.
So my best friends narc husband is invasive constantly for 17 yrs. Hes forever finding reason to interupt our conversations or visits. He times her grocery shopping spree and counts the items she returns with and calculates how long that should of taken to buy and calculates the milage from their house to the shops and then proceeds to cross examine where has she really been and then accuses her of fitting in a shag with someone in between. My narc ( i had an extra marital affair with)was nothing like this with me or his wife and found any excuse to cancel on me. I put it down to us both being married. Now hes divorced and his ex wife had the same problem i had. Never attending anything. Holidays , partys , functions etc. she said she felt like a single mom as he just never got involved in his wifes life or mine or the “other OTHER “women like uv described. The only sign my narc showed me of being invasive was consuming me the whole day with calls and text. He also kept stating he didnt want to be responsible for me getting divorced because of him and said he wud never ask me to leave my husband yet he sucked up my whole day and nite with text but wouldnt meet for lunches or coffee or weekend away. Hed only meet for a 3 min shag ( yes he was an awful lover, again not like uv described that they can be awesome lovers) and then make every excuse to have to leave. So is there two types here with regard to this behavior or do we only get invaded when we in the golden period? He fits every red flag and have no doubt what he is. My golden periods were crap in comparison to how u describe them. I cant figure if hes a lesser/ mid/ or greater as i see all 3 in him in various departments.
Sorry i dont know how to ask a short question and u must have tons to read 😞
If your golden periods were crap (I think I may have to call them bronze periods instead as somebody suggested) that is indicative that you were most likely ensnared by the Lesser. The Lesser just about manages to keep the beast hidden during the seduction. He will do a few pleasant things but there will not be the love bombing of the Mid Range or Greater because the fuel you give during seduction is being used to keep the beast under control and owing to his low control threshold, it takes almost all of his energy to do this, therefore he has little or no energy for the love bombing.
In terms of invasive behaviour and withdrawn behaviour we will, in accordance with our usual contradictory behaviours, use them in the same relationship if necessary. For instance, we will keep tabs on you, interrupt conversations, hang around you and your friends listening in etc in order to exert control. Then when we decide not to attend something say a family gathering, there are two reasons for doing this. The first is that we have decided that non-attendance serves our interests better. We can spoil the event by turning up and causing a scene or we can spoil it by not going, making you unhappy that you have to attend alone when other people are there with spouses, family etc. We therefore may choose not to attend in order to spoil it for you. It also means that when you return we can commence the invasive behaviour by quizzing you about how long you were gone, who was there, pretending someone has telephoned us and said you were flirting with someone and so on. Being invasive is a form of control, using non-attendance is also a form of control and both allow the extraction of fuel.
Hope you are handling your workload, u need to hire some minions? I type 90 words a minute.
Anyways, Do you consciously sit and think which would be the best way to bind this person to me? Is a one size fits all or tailored to each prospective target? Do you bind some loose and some tight? I know there are varying degrees of fuel, a hierarchy, but wondered if you got like 4 emotional affairs, 1 primary, friends, family, collegues, does each individual in each group become bound to you at different strengths, is that the goal? Or is it just crossed the board everyone is mine, not in varying degrees?
Glad that you are writing, just don’t over do it. Be careful with yourself.
When does the third book in your series come out? I loved the first two! Can’t wait to see the ending.
Hello SW, in about six weeks with a fair following wind. I am pleased you enjoyed them.
HG…how about one about how to avoid/not attract narcissists in the future. I always feel after one leaves, another one tries to take their place. Whether it’s a prospective lover or friend. Since I left my N, I feel several women who are trying to be friends with me are narcissists. I’m doing my best to leave them effervescently rather than aggressively if already in my circle or not engage with them at all if they haven’t made it in.
But how do I keep the wolves at bay forevermore? Thank you!
Good idea Chirose thank you. Something along the lines of acquiring the same thing that will keep us at bay as garlic and a cross will with a vampire.
That is an awesome idea, Chirose! Yes, I would love that too as I think I am now realizing I have a pattern in my life with various toxic relationships and I need to end it. One thing I know is good boundaries. So, yeah, boundaries made with garlic, holy water and a salt ring would be awesome!!
Yes, exactly.!! Get out of my head HG.!! haha…. Not that I’m looking to be a vampire/narcissist hunter. But a protection necklace or charm of some sort would be swell 🙂
I feel the same way Chirose. I feel like a walking target. Like I am branded with “victim” all over me or ” narcs come get me. HG do u have a list of words that you use that we should recognize? I would love to hear more… My ex used the word “mine” all the time. She always told me I want u to be mine and I can’t wait til your mine forever. Thanks
You can see key phrases in the books Evil and From the Mouth of the Narcissist, lots in there to recognise and digest.
Hello Christine. Minefield is a great description. Lol.. Every minute of every day.
Hello again snow white ,
Jhm would say i was his and he was mine , that “they where mine”etc .
Its a minefield we have to go thru
Of understanding and emotion – in my opinion —
Might i be so bold HG
– you are my last hope , my only hope , and you should be recognised for your work — you are helping us , the unregognised victims – we are played down as –😔
Thankyou HG – i know you gain from this – bit so do we – the survivors —
Thank you Christine, I appreciate that. I was starting to think I was Obi-Wan Kenobi then (the Ewan McGregor rather than Alec Guinness version seeing as how I am a young whippersnapper)
*eye roll* How did that white streak get on my left Temple? Hair club for men here he comes….lol
I keep telling you I’m as bald as a coot. I get to wear syrups then.
Syrup Hoodie, fashion forward gramps…lol
Adult diapers? Lol
You probably don’t understand what I am referring to by a syrup do you? It is a slang term.
British slang…pfft. of course u make me work for the answer….I know I should know what you mean as soon as you say it! Checking urban dictionary…slave driver.
Get on with it!
OK. Here that’s called grape drank. Found in da hood or at my house on occasion. Lol
No that’s cough syrup, I am referring to something else.
Urban dictionary…..1. Truffle syrup….lol 2. Syrup trap…..lol
3. Hairpiece for your bald ass head…Ding ding ding…we have a winner!
She got there. Hallelujah!!
I got there without your help….sadly. I think I called to God too.
How to get rid of wolves? Stay out of moonlit areas, carry CCW and gun, silver bullets.
It is the ones who are hairier on the inside you need to look out for Persephone.
Thx H.G., let me right that down in this black and red notebook I picked up from my doctor…..
I’m interested in the role mom plays in all this. Your title little boy lost…so right . I think my narc is trying to get that unconditional matriarch love from me! He relates to me as a boy at times trying to please mommy and punishing her when the response isn’t to his liking, rather than a full grown man to a woman. Also, your interactions with Dr. O as she is “in love” with you!
Well observed Rose Marie.
Thank you so much for your valuable work, HG. Ever since I heard about your books and blog, I have been reading as much as I can to find out why I am targeted by people with Cluster B personality disorders in different places I have lived so far since I moved to a small town abroad after setting boundaries and saying NO to inacceptable demands.
Sitting Target, Smear, Fuel and Fury (I am still reading the last two ones) are of great help and I am very grateful that you are helping us, victims, to understand what is going on. I will continue reading more of your works as soon as I am finished with the previous ones.
Even though I have made some mistakes giving negative fuel (showing my anger while complaining about their inappropriate behaviour) to two different people on two different occasions, which ignited their fury, there is a third case in which I cannot figure out what I have done wrong. I said no to their demands indirectly and politely and I have also let them win when they came up with reasonable demands. These strategies did not work either. They still see me as an enemy to be destroyed.
It would be interesting if you could write something about how to say NO to narcissists when they come up with inacceptable demands (e.g. “Let me have your [property], if you don’t use it”) without igniting their fury. If you have already written about it, please let me know.
Thank you for reading. Your help would be much appreciated.
Hello EB, thank you for reading and your kind comments. In light of what you have suggested I would suggest you read Your Fault and also Outnumbered but not Outgunned you will find them useful.
Thank you for your suggestion, that is an interesting one and I have added it to the list.
Thank you very much for your quick reply and advice.
You are welcome.
Do you feel like you are making any personal progress with the good doctors or are you simply educating them so that they can, in turn, help others?
And do they believe you are making progress?
I am making progress viz a viz my awareness. I suppose I am giving them plenty of insight as well which they presumably will use elsewhere.
Yes, they do believe I am making progress.
Hey.. i messaged you on fb with my story… could you please check it out. thanks
Hey ! By all means.
I feel greedy asking for more, you already wrote one about objectification that I am so grateful for. Pondering….what about Work and the Narcissist? this could have many options, such as the kinds of employment that attracts the various levels, the level of importance work success means to the various levels, when work becomes more important that the intimate relationship? What do you think?
You can ask for as many as you like Indy.
There will be a book about the Narcissist and Work and how to handle our kind’s machinations in that environment.
I will do articles however about the link between the roles at work and the types of narcissists attracted to them, as well as the work v intimate relationship dynamic within the narcissistic interface. Thank you.
Sounds interesting. I have many colleagues at work that seem N.
We are everywhere Nikita.
I have another topic I would really love to see covered: common comorbid conditions with narcissism and sociopathy and tried treatments….pleeeeeaaaasssseee….pretty pleaseeeeeee
It’s in the list.
Yes, Nikita, me too! And, I hear that certain types of work draw narcicists more than other types and was curious if that was what HG has noticed. I think depending on the level and talent, some are drawn to certain professions more than others. I’m curious about the psych field as one would guess it would draw many empaths though I think that is a generalization….
hi Indy. did not understand the empath part. what did you mean? a field of work drawing empaths?
I see so many different types of victim on the blog! This is wonderful of you to do!! Btw, the gentlemen holding the book has really long fingers!! Someone you know HG? Xxx
You read my mind, Fool Me!!! I was drawn to the long fingers as well!
Ha, ha, ha! First thing I noticed! Kept going back to them!! Lol xx
Absolutely!!!!! Me too! Great minds, Fool Me!
Why does long fingers mean something else could be also long ??
😂😂😂 of course that is what I tought. How about your socks? Also long?
My socks only ever come from TM Lewin, I refuse to wear them from anywhere else.
That was not exactly what I mean but I googled that brand and they look very nice. Very posh. !!! So I see you are very fond of brands in socks ..
I am and they are devilishly comfortable.
I use Nike socks from the sport shops and they are also very comfortable. sometimes you can but packs of 2 for 3 and it’s even better 😉
Not necessarily….long fingers have their uses on their own, Nikita. Not to mention they are beautiful!
Really handy for getting the last gobstopper from the bottom of the jar if it is stuck and won’t move.
Oh my god, so funny you mentioned Gobstoppers. They were one of my favourite candies as a child, and in fact, I love them to this day.
I love how they change colour when I suck on them. 🙂
I’ve never seen or eaten a gobstopper…are these European candies or was it because I grew up in a really small town?
Open your mouth and I will show you what to do.
Looks over her glasses, stern look. Points to the naughty stair-
They are beautiful indeed.
Haha! Well picked up on Fm1t. I must say, I noticed too lol! They were very hard not to notice as they nearly engulf the book in hand!
One track mind I dare say is my problem… i do try so very hard to behave – but some things are just too damn easy. Long fingers being 1!
HG…. i would like to add to the list if not already there: how to maintain a somewhat ‘equal’ relationship with a narcissist (i know this concept may be laughable of me to ask! Can only hope I guess). And if not equal as such, one that is at least mutually beneficial for BOTH parties and one that does not require devaluing to need to occur?! Again, this may also be a laughable thought – i do not know? However I am thinking of perhaps your inner circle. Surely you don’t feel the need to devalue all of them?
Is there any way for an empath or akin to maintain a relationship with your kind that does not result in them feeling a loss in self-respect (e.g. does not require ‘kissing narc ass’ 24/7 for fear of retribution, igniting narc fury, silent treatment, and all other forms of ‘punishment’?). Is there any way to maintain this relationship all the while being able to stand up to the narc when they think you are wrong? Even challange in healthy debate (with chance of even maybe being right in the end lol!). Simply maintain a friendship of mutually beneficial means that does not result in soul destroying behaviour on your part towards the person?
Thanks CJ I have added your requests to the list.
You are so magnanimous, HG! That is what I love about you! I get your post in my inbox and I do enjoy reading them!
I do have a question. I don’t answer blocked calls or unfamiliar numbers. I get at least two blocked calls per day. On Monday, I did answer a call from a blocked number….why do I think it was N3?
I just do….it wasn’t a political call which is so common these days with the upcoming election….it was a male…that was stunned I answered…he started to speak, but then hung up. Now, I have at least 3 N’s from my past….but I don’t think they would be contacting via phone. They are the types that would contact me via email or text to test the waters….N3 wouldn’t text or email….he wouldn’t be able to control things if I chose to ignore that form of communication. He’d call, for no other reason to know if I did or didn’t answer. I won’t block any of my exes. I need to know when they have an interest in contacting me….it gives me a heads up to know what to expect from them.
Since the last malign hoover I received from him breaking my car window at work, I have installed security cameras at my home. Something tells me I should check the video daily……because I have the feeling I might be being watched.
I checked his dating profile (without logging in-I DO have him blocked on Match), and he is still active daily. He isn’t the type that can stand having more than one woman around…..one woman and his mom is the maximum amount of feminine energy he can tolerate in his life AT ANY GIVEN TIME (that even includes his sister…who gets his wrath if she is around too much). We had one mutual friend in common (a handyman from my church that did some work at his rentals), and this man just sent me a friends request on Facebook….
What I want to know is this: What does N3 want? I know…”fuel is the rule”…..but let’s be honest. On paper, he is a great catch….most women would be happy and proud to date him (before they got to know him). I have been dating others and have been in no contact with N3 since Jan. 6th, 2016!!! I was very angry with him when I went no contact. I called him out for his abandonment during my time of need (my father’s AND stepmoms deaths in Oct./Dec.). He decided after they died to give me a silent treatment?!! It was cruel and made no sense! I told him I NEVER WISHED TO SEE OR TALK TO HIM AGAIN IN LIFE!! I meant that….
Our “breakup” anniversary was on August 9th. I have noticed an increase in hangups from blocked calls since then….
Thanks in advance, HG!
What can I say, I am a generous kind of chap! It certainly sound like N3 is hovering you through the telephone call and also the handyman FB friend request. As you identify, he is after fuel and I suspect that you entered his sixth sphere of influence (given the anniversary) and therefore he has decided that there is some juicy fuel to be obtained from you and it is worth his while trying to get it.
I will have to read up more on the spheres! He always bragged about being able to “cut” people out of his life without regret/looking back (huge red flag-I know!), but he never shut up about his last recent ex that broke his heart by breaking their engagement! He’d talk about both good and bad times….like it was just yesterday for him(it had been 3 years). His ego never really recovered from that….he broke up w me last year….but I put an end to communication in January.
It’s kind of strange w the Hoovers at a distance…that last malign one really scared me…because I know his temper…and his need to “get even”.
Thanks so much for being here for us, HG! Congratulations on reaching a million views on the blog! I’m so very proud of you and you deserve all the success you have–and so much more is in the way–because you’ve worked so hard and helped so many!
I’m still down for #teamtudorlasvegas when you do your US book tour! I know the others are as well!😀
Thank you T, always a pleasure to hear from you.
After the smear campaign and the dust settles do I trust your flying monkeys or not?
Hello John, I have added that to the list of prospective articles. Thank you.
My Narcissist Mother & Narcissist Step Dad have played cat and mouse for over twenty years.
They have not lived with each other for 15 years.
My Mother has been played by her own games in regards to him(you cheat, I cheat) My Step Dad discarded her for about a year at one point. He has since been in and out of her life as he lives with his wife & child (whom he keeps separate). My Mother has had countless affairs also, What bewilders me is she knows all about his other family & continues to put him on a pedestal!
It almost like he’s controlling her.
My question is why is that?
Hello Ally, how do you know she puts him on a pedestal? Is it not that she is using your step father as much as he is using her, or would you say that whilst she idealises and devalues him but he has the upper hand. Do you know about the affairs for certain? Just fact finding before offering my view.
Thanks for your reply.
What you’ve saying has altered my perspective I think she’s most definitely using/devaluing him so my view of her putting him on a pedestal must be that her priority is getting her fuel (she becomes hyper when he rings her phone).
It did seem that he was controlling her, but I suppose he has the upper hand now (she’s not able to attract as many men as she used to)
Initially they both had affairs behind each others backs I was there when he caught her, he moved out after that never living with her again. They have both continued to do this over the years not bothering too conceal it over time. I know understand it’s all for the fuel.
You are welcome Aly.
Yes. Could you please tell me if a Narc can have a fuel source, say a strictly physical/friendship and not devalue them. Can a Narc have a mutual respect for this type of interaction?
It has been added to the list, thank you.
I want to know more about your childhood and how you came to be. What upbringing determines if you are a lesser or a full blown narc.
Also i would like to know more about the aging narc and mid, later life behavior when their looks start to fade and they are at the end of careers.
There will be further blog articles about my childhood. There will also be plenty to digest in the forthcoming books Little ACONS, Little Boy lost: The Creation of a Narcissist and MatriNarc.
I shall write an article on the age factor and also the upbringing influence on the type of narc. They have been added to the list. Thank you KMP.
Omg can’t wait! ♡♡♡
GREAT SUGGESTIONS! My ex-Narc is definitely a Greater. He grew up in an extremely small town, on a farm, with no one around for miles. His dad was older when he was born (50ish) and his mother was 35 and had been adopted. He had one brother 7 years older and they did not have a close relationship due to age difference, according to him. He said when he was 13, his brother died in a house fire (smoking?) and 25 years later, his parents died in a house fire (electrical), shortly after discovering his father was diagnosed with terminal heart disease. He told me it was a blessing in disguise because he didn’t know how he was going to tell his mother.
Towards me, he was never physically violent (always love-bombing), but I have seen the evil in his eyes, saw the quivering of his lip, and heard the shaking in his voice when he would get mad, or in his case, furious. I know I never saw the half of what he’s probably capable of because I was only his part time supply. What concerns me now is what is wife has endured (and still endures) over an 18 year period behind closed doors. I work with her and when I looked at her closely for the first time the other day, all I saw was a walking Zombie with the worst resting frown face I have ever seen. This woman has been considered by others as strong and confident, and I know she was pretty and happy at one time because I saw a photo of her with him during, what appeared to be, their dating period. I also saw a photo of them just a few years later and it’s almost eerie because they both looked stone cold.
So now that he (and his wife) are in their mid 50’s, is their a possibility he’s gotten worse, especially since he’s lost me as his supply, or do they mellow out with age? Is their anything odd to you in regard to how his entire immediate family died in house fires?
The house fires may just be an artifice for the purposes of drawing sympathy and should be regarded with suspicion until you receive independent verification.
Whilst your empathy towards his wide is understandable, she is not your concern.
Am I right in reading from what you have written that you were seeing him whilst he was married? If that was the case, he may well have sought out an alternative supply to triangulate with his wife. Age has differing effects dependent on the nature of the narcissist and I shall be writing an article about that in due course so do look out for that.
I would like to know more on how to win against the narcissist I know they say no contact but how do I hurt them is my interest
Hi Esther, read Revenge for the answer for that question.
I have loved every topic that you have written about. It shows that there is a reason for everything that you do. It’s always calculated. From the simpliest thing as a smile, kiss, song, silence, and even your car, which I just read about in one of your books. Btw I don’t know what a bonnet is. Lol… Do you know what Pinterest is? That was one of the first accounts she set up for me. Besides sending me songs daily, quotes from Pinterest became a daily thing and it is still being used during no contact to try and tell me that she is a different person and that she will be waiting for me. I now recognize all the projection quotes that she is using because of reading your books. I would like to know if use that and what other literature and technology works for you. She also would send me poems that ” she wrote”. They were someone else’s!… Also I would love to hear more about how you think when you are setting up your ever presence for us. You are excellent at it.
Bonnet is a hood in your parlance.
Yes I know Pinterest.
The magpie behaviour of quotes and poetry is extensive, that is also why we use songs so much. Somebody else has done the hard work so we may as well utilise that and use it to convey our (supposed) emotions and save energy. It also works so well as the recipient feels special and it makes us seem a little different, possibly mysterious.
I have made a note of your suggestions thank you in respect of ever presence and technology/literature.
Thanks again HG! You do make me laugh in between all of my crying. My vocabulary is expanding. Lol.. I wish you were in the States holding support groups. I would attend daily.
You are most welcome. Spread the word and make me famous enough and I will do it.
I would like to tell you my story of almost 19 yrs of Living with a Narcissist, from 3 generations Pakistani/Muslim Narcissis, which is completely a taboo subject.Now my children all have signs of it. If possible could I meet you or call you? It would really help me
Unfulfilled part of my questioning mind that keeps gnawing away? Damn right!!! I don’t know where to start!…… Hmm You’re very clever HG
Glad you noticed.
Make a list and then tell me.
Personally I would just be content if you answered my blog questions, as I ask relevant questions relating to Narcissism and my own personal experience. See, I Object post in moderation. That is a topic that would be of interest to myself and numerous another readers based on reader input on that article. Where you can perhaps devote an article to the similarities and differences of varying disorders as they relate to Narcissism. To help readers better determine the cross over signs of these disorders. So we can better meet our end results with these individuals.
Your questions do get answered.
I have added the suggestion to the list. Thank you.
You do make me laugh. Thanks for adding to the list.
Hello Poetic Me!
I see you are prodding HG about answering blog questions again. haha Having been one true, consistent, loyal reader since day one last August, I can absolutely attest that he does answer everything. I do believe you ask many insightful questions. There are also questions you ask, that I have read that other readers or even myself have asked and he’s answered. You did leave for a chunk of time and I am not sure if you ever went through those months to read the articles and comments from that time period.
I suggest to everyone who is a newcomer, to definitely take the time and go back to August 2015 and start from the beginning on this journey with H.G. At one time or another, almost every type of question has been asked in some way, shape or form and H.G. has answered it or offered one of his books which will have a plethora of answers on the topic.
It really has been quite a positive experience watching how H.G. has evolved in what he shares, how he shares it in his writing from the early months up until now. I’ve been able to see how I’ve evolved from where I was at a year ago and the types of questions I asked to where I am now.
In fairness to him, he does have his real life and professional life to attend to and this is on the side. He has taken sometimes up to a week to answer some of my questions if they posed something to him which cause him to reflect on how he wants to answer. I’m always flattered if I ask him something that actually churns his wheels.
If something truly wasn’t getting answered, it may be how the question was asked to him.
Thank you Clarece, well put. I am obliged.
Hi Clarece. Thanks for writing. I have enjoyed reading your posts about your experience. It helps to see where everyone is in there journey and how far they have come. This blog makes me feel that I’m not alone. HG you are the best teacher.
Thank you Snow White, I appreciate that.
Thank you Snow White!! I appreciate your kind words!
I just wanted to say that I can atest to PM’S questions not getting answered. No… not all of them obviously as PM does, as you said, ask many insightful Q’s. But there are some that have been “moderating” for a number of months now!! Perhaps before jumping on somebody you should consider the facts or consider that perhaps someone else is correct?? I’m not trying to cause argument here… i just think what you wrote is a little unfair!!……..
Now, YES, I do realise that HG is a very busy man and that he may well have answered similar questions in the past. I also say that if he has not answered/approved them, there is a reason why. I understand all this completely and i have no judgement of HG here. He is doing a fantastic thing for others (even if the motives behind why he is doing it are purely selfish…. sorry HG…. brain is still waking up and i truly could not think of a nicer word for selfish lmfao!!! So i apologize for the harsh sound of that sentence lol 😜)……
However, to suggest that people go all the way back to blog entries a YEAR AGO to see if similar questions have been asked and answered is a little crazy i say. HG is not the only person with a busy personal and professional life!! I know that I certainly will not have the time to go back to a year ago and read HG’s journey from the start!! How many blog entries has he done since that first one?? Think about it MLA…. i know he posts on average at the moment 4 new blog entries a day. I struggle to find time to get through those 4 and often times don’t get to them all. So yes… to suggest that all new comers or others to go start back at the beginning is unrealistic!! Oh… and don’t forget to factor in here, time to read his books too!! That’s lovely for you if you do infact have this sort of time on your hands… i would love to be able to go back and read HG’s beginning peices!! But….. its sooo not going to happen lmfao!
(Sorry Grand Master, HG…. but there has to be a choice made here…. sit and read all entries on blog since this time a year ago?? OR, continue being the champion of OZ???! I’m sure you can appriciate now why I don’t have time to read a year’s worth of entries….. im too bust with PR and and organising fuel tank shirts and I heart HG tattooed… on me backside 😉 hahahahaha).
I apologise again MLA if this has come across as rude or… i dont know… just come across negatively!! That’s not my intent… i just am not on the ball just yet when it comes to wording etc. Not long of waking lmfao!! Have a good 1
That’s very thoughtful of your consideration to PM. I would think if she had been bothered in the slightest she would have spoken up herself. However there is no need for that because I meant it to be helpful as I’ve recognized many of her questions posed and answered by HG prior with others. It’s to help her get the answers she seeks. I made a suggestion CJ, not a command. You speak of having no judgment towards HG, yet you surely are holding me in some.
Firstly. Thank you CJ for speaking up regarding my right to ask questions and anyone’s right to a voice in matters that concern them. I agree as well with what you said about reading back through a years worth of blog articles would be of a time consuming nature. I have read back in past articles and comments, not so I can mechanically store previously asked questions, so I do not duplicate them. But, to further my knowledge and awareness in my own healing and understanding of narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
Secondly, MLA . I did not respond the other day, because I was hurt and embarrassed by your comment. I debated whether I should reply. But was too emotional to do so at the time. Because this is the third time for such comments by yourself to myself In the three months I have been On this blog. You have replied to me previously, on posts for HG about moderation of MY own posts, saying the same thing.
The first two times, I thought you were trying to be helpful, so naturally I was appreciative. But when you did it yet again, for the third time almost verbatim to the previous two times. With the addition that I should read all articles and comments from a year ago, to ensure I do not repeat questions to HG. As well as the undertone that it is my fault my questions do not get answered. I found that not as being helpful on this third occasion, but, instead as being dismissive and condescending. That is the the reason I did not reply the other day. Also, I did reply to your two previous comments of the same nature, back in July and March.
How is it you can attest to what occurs for me On the blog regarding MY questions being answered? . Obviously you can only attest to the things you know and You experience related to yourself On This blog . As can any of us. Which I do, in regards to myself only. Even On this occasion that you chose to revisit this same message to me, I actually stated I am pleased when My blog questions get answered. I was not asking why they were not answered. Which quite a few other readers expressed concern over. I see posts from many readers, asking why their comments are not posted and still In moderation. Yet, You Only address it with me and no other readers on the few times I make any mention of it to HG. Do you not wish to extend your helpfulness In this area to other readers as well? I have done so, to assure them that HG can hold back comments at times and that to wait and see if he lists them or replies and if not to repost them , if they require answers. I don’t tell them he answers all questions, in a definitive manner, as he does not. He does answer most and many questions, of most and many readers. He chooses and determines which questions and comments he will post and reply to as moderator. Which is his right as blog Master. If we want our questions answered then we must ask HG.
But. It serves no good to make those who seek answers to Questions and why they haven’t received them to feel even worse by blaming them for how they asked or that they had asked previously answered questions.
As well, Your suggestion to other readers to direct them to read all previous blog articles and comments, so they also do not ask repetitive questions. That is an unreasonable request. I have seen HG answer numerous questions by new readers that have been posed and answered before, some I have even asked. He does not place such an expectation on his readers. People have similar questions, relating to different life experiences. In fact, HG seems to be very understanding of the issue around repetitive questions. HG seems to understand that new people to the blog don’t have the time to sit and read a year’s worth of articles. Which, as you know, is why he repeats those articles In the present, so that new readers are continually availed of them. I appreciate greatly that HG gives me his time in answering questions I ask him and always ensure I thank him for replies.(when they are not lost in the Bermuda triangle known as moderation). It is a gift he gives of himself to all readers who ask questions.
I am requesting that you please respect my wishes and no longer reply by telling me to stop asking HG about moderation and posting. Akin to scolding a child in a public setting. The first times, I took it as helpful advice and concern, but the fact you continue to do this, I now view it otherwise. Especially since I have only been respectful to you On this blog and replied to many of your comments in a thoughtful manner. I realize you represent a matriarchial presence in the blog having been here so long and have also provided valuable insight through your own experiences into narcissistic abuse for readers.
This reply incorporates the reply I had originally wrote and did not post several days ago In regards to your original response to my reply to HG on blog topics. As well, as well as to your response to myself in your reply to CJ. I am hoping you can understand my feelings concerning this and how it makes me feel when you continue to send these messages to me regarding a dialogue I have with HG. I felt it was best to address the issue, then avoid it.
Right of reply exercised fairly. We will draw a line under this now, all people concerned have been able to make their feelings known. Thank you for your contributions.
Thank you Hg. That is fair indeed…I almost forget I replied as it was days ago. I wasn’t planning on replying any further on the matter, as it was directed towards myself.
The inability to stay faithful and madonna whore complex
Thank you The Survivor, they have both been added to the list.
Q1:How to warn quickly (without having time to read Your blog or books ) a friend who goes down the drain thanks to a narcissist who she just met? He’s brainwashing her love bombing etc. I have seen his eyes once and I know he’s one but not the greater one though. I’m having sleepless nights since I have discovered that.despite providing her with red flags she’s blind….
Q2:when are You planning to show me Your bedroom? 😉
1. There is only so much one can do if somebody is in the grip of one of our kind. If she will not listen, she will not listen. I note you have provided her with Red Flag already. I recommend pushing the article Power of Illusion under her nose and then if she still will not listen well you tried didn’t you? Be ready for the fallout later down the line.
2. Which one, I have a few.
No one else appears to have asked .
Im in the statfa cat , i have stayed away from any spheres apart from my mind ! And as far as i know he has stayed away from me –
Why is this HG ?
Hes a mid range or higher mid range .
Why has he stayed away from you?
1. You’ve stayed out of the first five spheres of influence;
2. When you pop up in the sixth there is a trigger but no execution because you have been designated STATFA;
3. He will also recognise being MR or HMR that there are difficulties in getting hoover fuel from you.
Accordingly for now, he is staying away. For now.
Your favourite bedroom of course G! When then?
Ps.thank You for an advise. I’m prepared for the fallout…it will be hard for me looking at her in a state I used to be. … bur she’s like my lil sis. ♡and what am I scared of if I got You? 😉
You are scared of nothing Maddie.
2. What !!