Naturally everything has to be about me but in order to reinforce the fact that I am such a generous and magnanimous chap, I do like to let you join in as well. I still have much to share with you about the manipulations and machinations of my brethren and I. There is plenty to tell you about my ongoing interaction with the good doctors, the origins of what I am and the conflict that is to come with MatriNarc. The articles that await publication and which wait to be written are burgeoning. Nevertheless, if there is any particular aspect of the narcissistic dynamic that you would like me to expand on I would be grateful to receive your suggestions. Have I touched on something you would welcome some expansion on? Is there an unfulfilled part of your questioning mind that keeps gnawing away? Is something still not making sense to you and you want to know more? Perhaps there are further revelations you have unearthed about your own experiences and you would like my observations? Maybe you want to hear more of a particular type of behaviour? Whatever it is do let me know and I will give careful consideration to writing about the topic for you. I look forward to your suggestions.
254 thoughts on “Speak Up!”
more about the difference between somatic and elite would be helpful.
See Sitting Target
HG, I know you hate to think and write about your mother but it is so helpful when you write about the parent child dynamic. In my opinion, most people are here because of romantic relationships but I also think a lot of your readers don’t even realize their mom or dad is a narc as well.
You are correct. I know a number who I have consulted with have told me that they worked this out from my work/consulting with me, with regard to a parent being a narcissist.
Yes indeed. Correct and unfortunate realization.
Yes all 13 had involvement in my life. My biological father was my mother’s first husband. They were married a little over a year and divorved shortly after I was born due to his drinking problem. The third husband is the only one I do not remember. They were only married for one month and divorced after he tried to drown me in the bathtub. The only reason I remember husband number two is because they remained friends remarried 5 years ago. She claims that he will be her last husband and will not divorce again lol. Husband number three was the first to adopt me. He is who I called dad growing up and remained so after the three years of marriage. It wasn’t until my adult years that he walked out of my life… due to alcohol. That door has been slammed and I will not open it to him again. Husband #2 also known as current husband has since adopted me. He asked to do so because he always considered me as his daughter. I agreed, mostly for his and my mother’s happiness, but the word “dad” really has no meaning for me anymore. I am learning to open up more about my life experiences as it helps me to understand myself and others on a deeper level. So with all that being said and as weird as it may sound I believe one reason I hold on to this toxic relationship is because I see him as a father figure.
HG, I am learning more and more everyday through your teachings and continue with my homework, but I am far from finding my conclusion. Have you wrote anything on drug/alcohol addiction with a narcissist? If so can you point in the right direction. This is where I am struggling the most in understaning what exactly I’m dealing with. A narc or an alcoholic, or both. After reading more on the different types narcs I would say he would probably a lesser. He has never been much on the sweet talk or has he tried to charm his way into or out of anything. He is very real with who he is almost like he is straight out telling me he is a narc. He even told me once during an argument that I know what role I play. He has told me that he has kept me around because I seem to be trainable. We have been together for a year now, if you don’t count all the silent treaments in between. I have learned to “play my role” and also have learned a few of my own tricks. I have learned to use reverse psychology to get what I want. It doesn’t always work, but more so than not. I have learned to not feed his rage, but to ignore it or change the subject. I have learned most importantly not to ever tell him what I cherish the most with him because if he knew he would use it as a form of punishment by taking it away from me. I think one of the things that actually helps us is that we are both somewhat loners. We don’t interact our circle because we don’t really have one. I make it easy for him to isolate me because I was already like that. It’s just who I am. I am also a very private person especially with relationships. I have my art to help me vent. I do this through my drawings. I know the reasons why I have chose this relationship and I also know that I can deliver a door slam like no other. Right now I’m just trying to figure out which demons I’m fighting so I know what armor to use. Thanks again for taking the time to read my questions and comments.
Hello B, do excuse the delay in replying, I have been away. I have not written much about drug/alcohol addiction and the relationship with narcissism, this is for future works, although there is some in Confessions of a Narcissist to keep you going in the meanwhile. From your description he sounds like a Mid-Range to me as there is an awareness of something, he shows some calculation and he uses silent treatments. You clearly have the measure of him and you are equipping yourself to deal with him. Do you intend to depart at some point? It is highly likely that he is a narcissist and the drinking is an adjunct to this. You do not mention in your post the extent of his drinking and his behaviour when he does drunk. Perhaps you might expand on those points?
Welcome back HG. As always, I appreciate your reply and answers. I would classify him as being a binge drinker and a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks heavily every single day. I would say close to a 12 pack a night. He will switch over to whiskey occasionally. When that occurs he can finish off a gallon of Lord Calvert in about a week. I say he is a high functioning alcoholic because it doesn’t effect his work or everyday tasks. As far as his behavior when drunk, not much different from when he is sober… depending on his mood and what has set him off. Maybe a little more aggressive to what has set him off while drinking. I am well educated on alcoholism, having 13 step dads including my biological father there were bound to be a few to encounter. I recognize and know these traits well, but I believe his goes much deeper in a way that I don’t know or understand. He is like a jigsaw puzzle that I’m trying to put together as I study each piece closely. I love it when I read one of your post and able to connect another piece. There are a lot of things I still question and somethings I’m not sure I even want to know… like behind the way we met, or shall I say how he found me. There are a few things that seem strange and coincidental to this. I try to not think about it much because quite frankly it creeps me out when my mind wanders in that direction. I try to keep my comments and questions short as I know you are a busy man catering to our need of knowledge so I apologize for the lengthy reply and will save these other things for another time. Finally last, but not least, to answer your question, do I plan to depart at some point? I have not yet decided. I know myself well and know if I decide to depart I will disconnect all feelings, emotions and memories of him forever. He will indeed be dead to me. It is odd I know, that someone of our kind is capable of doing such thing, but I am capable I am not ready to make that call yet. I will say the silent treatment is my weakness and could be the deciding factor. I have not learned how to prevent them. I know what causes them as he has told me. It is my mouth that gets me in trouble every time, but I have not learned. When the silent treatment occurs and it occurs a lot, it is complete silent. I am blocked from texting and facebook messenger. We are not friends on fb and I want to keep it that way, but we do use messenger. I am currently on silent treatment now so I just have to wait it out and if he is lucky I will have not made that decision to depart. You may ask, why I connect myself to a person of your kind? Well that’s simple… it’s because I’m quite fucked up myself.
thank you for the kind wishes B.
Did those 13 stepdads have actual involvement in your life or did you just happen to know your mother had 13 partners after your biological father who were referred to as step dads? I would be interested to know.
You evidently have more to learn and investigate but your response shows a considered response to doing so.
Dear Matrinarc. Can you please address your own deficiencies without involving those around you? I would address HG, but the root cause is YOU!
Dear Creature. Can you please leave HG so he can have peace? I’m putting this question politely. Jaded had spew prepared.
Dear HG, can you please reflect on how things might be if you weren’t a person diagnosed with NPD…A post..maybe three paragraphs. You are a gifted writer so it might or might not be difficult…I woke up to you and smiled as you slept. The thought of blowing or tickling your ear to wake you up never crossed my mind.
I don’t assume life would be perfect…just a life without NPD.
I still have more questions.
Matrinarc does not consider you worthy of an answer 1jaded.
The Creature is silent. For now.
That is a good point and I have made a note to write an article along these lines, thank you for this excellent suggestion.
You made me laugh about blowing into my ear although most likely you would have found that I was already up and out of the bed by the time you awoke.
Keep the questions coming.
Hi Matrinarc. Are you masking your deflection with fear? No answer mean yes to me.
Hi petulant Creature. Why won’t you leave HG? You are the parasite.
Hi HG. Thank you. Someday i hope life as a someone who used to have NPD, or has it under control, is possible for you…
He blew in my ear and tickled it in the rare event he caught me sleeping. It was fun to him. I did it a couple times in retaliation. At least he didn’t pinch as a wake up call.
That is a great question, Jaced1! I would love to read this too. AND, I am grateful that you, HG, are here helping us and if you were not a Narcicistic Sociopath, then you wouldn’t be here in this blog and writing this. Further, I am grateful for my tangle with my ex narcicist (MCN), as I now am stronger, have MORE empathy for those that do not and can effect change. I am also grateful for my diagnoses as well, they’ve made me stronger and more perceptive (depression and anxiety).
How are you doing, Indy?
I’m doing ok, hanging strong. He still hoovers daily, but less this past 24 hours. I’m hoping he will fade with no every coming from my silence. How are you?
I’m ok, thank you Indy. Keep hanging in. With your knowledge, he will lose.
I’m happy your cat is okay.
Coparenting, because it’s absolute hell at times. We can’t escape.
It has been added to the list KD.
– The ultimate career guide for the lesser, mid and greater N
– How to survive your N boss, N colleague and N subordinate
– Differences between male and female N’s
– How the world would look like without N’s or without E’s
– What I would do if I had world domination by HG Tudor (couldn’t resist haha)
I’m starting to enjoy this giving you homework thing ^.^
Thank you TC, the fifth suggestion has the making of a best seller wouldn’t you agree?
How could I not?
Either way and all levels. Cast the net wide.
Keep your peepers peeled for an article on the same, it is in the pipeline.
There has been one of the most disturbing child abuse / murder acts that has been reported this past week out of New Mexico. I absolutely abhor, loathe and get a sick physical reaction from these kinds of stories and I am wondering when you hear of a true life act committed on this level of vile, heinous evil, if it provokes any reaction within you?
Victoria Martens, on the night before her 10th birthday last Wednesday evening, was shot up with meth by her MOTHER and new boyfriend of 1 month (off of the Plenty of Fish website), so that she would “calm down” in order for boyfriend and his female cousin, also over, to rape her, repeatedly. She was then strangled, stabbed in the stomach, dismembered, wrapped in a blanket and set fire in the bathtub. The responding police were traumatized by the scene upon arrival.
10 years old. Mother assisting and watching. There are no words for this. It is beyond, incomprehensible, evil, horrific – it is indescribable.
Please tell me, despite your label, you have a threshold for respecting human life. Not for the reason, it is for a lower level brethren to do or because you don’t want the ramifications of dealing with the law.
Let me clarify, I am not implying or saying I think you could commit murder. I’m wondering if you hear a story like this, and although you can’t feel empathy, you know how wrong and unwarranted this kind of act is? Or, do you just move on to the next headline?
There is contempt for the cretins behaving in this manner and giving the rest of us a bad name. I naturally respect human life because my victims serve my purposes far better alive and functioning than dead. I know that the act is wrong because I know the difference between right and wrong. I also know how the world would expect me to react and I would duly do so in order to fulfil my own purposes.
Hmmm, cretins (I like that) giving the rest of you a bad name? Can you really even consider them your lower brethren? You just said you know the difference between right and wrong. There is morality in you. Talk about a void inside these people, they have no impulse control, they steamroller over boundaries.
As the boyfriend was being arrested, he was telling police he didn’t do it, yet her blood was all over him. What dimension is his brain functioning on (besides being a meth head)?
Well it remains to be seen what those people are but if they are of our kind then they still deserve my contempt for being morons. Of course I know the difference between right and wrong. I am not bothered by the application of this judgement, that is the difference. A psychopath does not know the difference. I do, I just do not care for it. I am morally bereft.
The bf may well have been in a stupor and if he was not it is entirely consistent for our kind to deny something despite there being the evidence there because of our different perspective.
😢😢😢😢 OMG .. how can this things happen..
These kinds of stories have me reeling for days. Every day with my daughter is such a blessing and such a gift. I have no stomach for these kinds of atrocities. At all.
What is your thoughts on narcissist and sociopath as a primary relationship?
Do you mean with one treating the other as a primary source or both treating the other as primary source. Also which kind of narcissist?
Great question P, I asked the same a while back, I will keep a look out for his answer to you. As I am curious as well based Hg and this blog.
I had a situation occur yesterday On Messenger. It relates to a topic perhaps you could address via an article, concerning the sixth Sphere of influence and its prevalence in narcissistic hoovers?
My friend contacted me out of the blue, after two months, not hearing from him, he lives in Spain, currently from the Uk.
His message was J, are you okay? Are you happy and content?
Right away, that struck me odd for not hearing for him for two months to send that message. So I messaged him back.
I asked him why he contacted me last night. He said he had a dream about me. Ie sixth sphere.
I told him I removed the Narcissist from my life finally since we last spoke. He replied this…your boyfriend, or me?
I said P, why did you say that. He said I might be one too. Fact is, I had previously thought that of him. He like you and your Amanda had a Sarah. When he was 18 and in college. Same type of scenario. He showed me letters he wrote Sarah when he found she many years later and they reconnected. Sarah is the ideal he holds all women to.
My point, I know he was teasing, but was he really? He obviously knows through our conversations I have thoughts on him and he communicated them in a joking manner. Do you think he might be one of You?
I asked if he was drinking, he said a little.I can tell through dialogue when someone has been and he is more inclined to say certain things.
He did not tell me what the dream was. But, it obviously sparked him to connect with me again.
I know you say we have no control over the sixth sphere. But, in my experience it seems if we do enter there, the likelihood of them contacting is increased and inevitable. Is this correct?
Thank you for your reply in advance.
I see what you did there.
It is difficult to conclude whether he is a narcissist based on what you have written as I don’t know anything about his behaviour, however you do and you suspect that he is so let us assume that is correct. You are correct that him dreaming about you (or saying that happened – he may just have thought about you and used the dream as an excuse) is you entering the sixth sphere. The likelihood of being contacted is increased when you enter the sixth sphere as compared to not entering any sphere, that is a given. The appearance is the trigger. Whether there is any execution of the hoover following this trigger depends on factors which are discussed in “Hoover Time – Sphere One”. Evidently,this individual recognised that there was sufficient fuel potential.
What is your relationship with him now (as per the Proximity of Supply) ? Is this different from what it once was?
Yes, I found the dream slightly dubious when I asked about it and he wouldn’t tell me. I have a vivid dream recollections, so if I was asked I could retell it like watching a film.
He is in Spain, he invites me to visit him in Barcelona. I decline. He makes Indiffernt comments to me, like I sort of like you, I think about you often, I miss chatting with you and always at some point in conversation he will insert something sexual, I know when he will do it, as he premises it by saying my name and pausing. Which is why before I answer him, I ask if he has been drinking.
The only differnce, i can see regarding relationship, is he now knows I am single. He called MCN, a fool. But. Didn’t elaborate as to why he thought that.
He can go months and not hear from. Him and then just out of blue I hear from him. That is red flag to me.
HG, I would like to know how the relationships usually end? A post on “the final discard/great escape”. I’m just wondering at what point does the final discard or escape occur? Is it when the narc no longer feels like doling out respite hoovers? Does the victim have a limit? Have the abuse cycles become so tight over time, that there becomes no relief? Is there an point where the narcs mask is totally gone and he is not even able to contain the beast?
Thanks Narcaddict,I have touched on some of this in the 5 Reasons Why We Discard and the Spheres of Influence but I will draw these strands together in an article to address the queries you have raised.
It is funny how people see things differently in s picture! Those hands and fingers to me were anything but skinny and misportioned! To me they looked like very strong, gentle, and perhaps talented hands!! But that’s just my observation. Xxx