The Last Word

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I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

          The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

          The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had bene entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

          Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

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81 thoughts on “The Last Word”

  1. Luck then, but I needed to see that. The thing is, when she ran off crying and the new bloke ran after her, she will probably only gain fuel by playing the victim with him anyway. Presumably she would have told him how terrible I was and he’ll listen to her lies, in the same way I listened to her about how ‘badly’ her ex-husband treated her. Incredible behaviour.

  2. I got the last word, after bumping in to her with her new bloke coming out of a bar two days after She had completely devalued, and projected her awful behaviour on to me, (I’d been with her 4 years). This was 3 days before we were due to move in to a place together. She looked horrified, threw his arm off of her, said ‘I’ve known him for 20 years!’ And ran off crying with him running after her. I sent her a text, simply saying ‘you are a mess’. Then blocked her on everything. I know she won’t change, but it gave me a bit of comfort. And I’ll never, ever forget the look on her face when she’d finally been exposed. Karma maybe?

  3. Something offensive in foreign language (in Klingon maybe) …. !!!
    LOL!! Imagine his face!!! … and then blocked him!!!

  4. Do Ns ever live alone ? Or at least without an intimate partner on a long term basis?

    I’m thinking of two people – one is overtly narcissistic and would certainly appear to get her fuel from bullying on the nth degree of the scale.

    The other is outwardly friendly and charismatic to a degree. Everyone likes her but I have observed a lot of passive aggressive and other behaviours consistent with being an N.

    Neither have had an intimate partner, ever, one is well into middle age and the other early 30s. The second is always, always surrounded by people and although no intimate partner, is never alone.

    1. A narcissist may indeed live alone but would have access to a primary source on a regular basis. Would they be without primary source on a long-term basis? Potentially with some difficulty as I wrote in Fading Star.
      You note they do not have intimate partners and assuming that to be correct, but that is not the test; it is whether they have a primary source or not and the two people you know may not have intimate partners but they may still have primary sources (often a family member).

      1. As always makes perfect sense HG. Yes one of them definitely has a family member as a primary source. I don’t know enough about the other, all I know is no intimate partner.

        You know everything !!

  5. Ahhhh the famous Last Word. I learnt the hard way to just let the N have the bloody Last Word. Take the Last Word!! Now I’m a person who likes to have the last word too, but that was a big mistake because the N got so enraged my ‘last words’, that he then commenced to make my life hell for a few months.

    Much better to pander to the ego, ‘yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir’. Then they are placated and don’t give a amuck trouble. Then you can dance on your merry no-contact way.

  6. I used to always say that he had to win at all cost. He would accuse me of wanting to win. It’s a never ending circular argument! He always had to deny, turn it around, blame me or change the subject. His last jab at me when I kicked him out of my house was to take me to court. Again…..your kind has to win at all costs. Ugh….

  7. HG , when he sent the message happy birthday Lisa X he broke no contact after 3 months . But it’s a statement not a question . So who had the last word him texting that or me ignoring . Obviously I mean in his narc brain ?

  8. Hmm well I did have the last word. I discarded him, my last word, ‘you’re just my leftovers’

    But what I wish I’d said ((context first) and I’ve given this a lot of thought)). We never did anything more than kiss (due to his illness), despite this he made me out to be a slag to everyone. For the record I’m not, (nothing wrong with slags though) but as everyone beleived him, no point in denying this so I play up to it and all the guys now constantly come on to me (this places doubt in his mind as to whether or not I’m sleeping with them – I’m not) So ….. What I wish I’d said ……

    ‘Oh you were just an aperitif’

      1. Yes i am – such is the power of an Ns manipulation Nikita. He lovebombed me for six months. I was tricked into being his friend because of his illness in part and also because of his obviously crazy wife and I thought I could help him with his problems, as I thought his wife was really nice.

        I’ve never cheated before nor was I looking to and have not since. I am a massive flirt, always have been, one of the reasons my husband loves me nikita. My husband is the most wonderful man alive and I told him everything, knowing I did not have to as he would never have found out but I couldn’t live with myself. I also offered him everything the house and A monthly income (that would have been an Ns dream come true haha). I truly am the luckiest woman as he stood by me and we are very happy.

      1. I think the experience with my sister helped me deal with this in a manner that didn’t give him very much fuel. Don’t be hard on yourself, your reaction was perfectly normal!

        I fuel mine now hahaha but I get it in return plus he gets no negative fuel from me whatsoever

      2. Well, I have no further contact with Narcissists, thankfully. Other then limitedly , here. Unless , my friend is one, still awaiting that verdict from HG…but personally to me, they only deserve negative fuel, not positive. Which they crave.
        Keep slaying, Alexis. Xx

  9. My favourite last words were uttered not by me but by my son to narc #2.

    When the relationship my son was aware of all the transgressions of my ex and wanted an opportunity to say goodbye to him.

    As I had to pick up some of my belongings from my ex’s flat I arranged for my son to accompany me.

    On leaving my ex said to my son “Be good for your mum”. My son turned round and replied “I’ll be better than you!”.

    I had to stifle a smirk, I was so proud of him. Priceless…out of the mouth of babes.

      1. It was HG, as my son is autistic he tends not to show emotion frequently. I know it hurt as my ex had to excuse himself and go into the kitchen to smoke and compose himself before concluding our business.

  10. I don’t get this one. In my last email exchange with him, I had the last words, and at least in my mind they were pretty nasty ones. I quoted some of his own writings to insult him. Being that he’s mid, could he have just gone off and sulked rather than tried to argue back? Or just laughed at my attempt? Either way, I did it to try to make him stay away so I guess it’s working.

  11. I had so many last words, and good ones too. One of my favorites was “the best thing you did for society was get fixed as then you can’t perpetuate your genes” Your name is stupid (he dies with this one)
    You never finished one song on the piano ( he had to Skype and go play a song I am learning, Fur Elise, in its entirety)
    So many good ones I can lay on to the point my Therapist said I was mean. But it felt so good.
    “I know what you are” and sending literature on sociopaths and this blog too. He then called to ask if I was ill because he saw a picture where I cut my hair. He is nuts! Then he reminded me a sociopath would not call to see if I was sick.
    So today my last words would be “PISS OFF”

      1. what do you mean? Yes, I am Steeviann and the name was posted. It was an auto fill and I sent it before I realized

  12. And then her reply “Hahahahahahahhahahahahaha. Oh man. I didn’t know you were a comedian. As I have not been attracted to you since years ago. I just wanted to ask a simple question. But of course Debbie downer and the arrogant person you are still has not changed. Thank god I left you. Too does. ”

    Mine : yes well I’d be concerned if you were considering how horrid the girls are you are attracted to. I mean not only am I not attracted (because let’s face it that was gone for both of us) i wouldn’t touch you with a 10 foot pole. STDs and everything. I have high standards what can I say call it arrogance if you want. I thank god you left me everyday. i love myself now and have met someone who gives me happiness in ways I haven’t had in years. So sorry if I don’t want to let your darkness back in and you think that’s me being a Debbie downer. I always tell her she’s my light and my summer. I don’t need rain clouds hooveirng. Prettiest, sweetest girl I could have met. Blue eyes to stare into for days. hopefully for a very long time.

    I’m glad we are on the same page. it’s been 10 months. it’s over and done and there is no reason to ever contact each other again. Goodbye

    Her response : wish you the best & all the great things that life has to offer you. I have always believed in you. Im sorry for contacting you, that ring meant the world to me and I did not know then what I know now. You know whenever we fought from morning until night, or when you drive my crazy or things get tough, I always looked down at my hand and was reassured that everything was going to be okay because I had the one person who has once loved me more than herself. I will bow out, hand on my heart- I am very happy you found someone who is pretty and has all the qualities you’ve been searching for that I did not have. It’s comforting to know you are not alone. Ive always said that there are always good things and bad things. Had I stayed I would never know what it is on my own with no one to lean on, had I stayed I wouldn’t know how sick I am, I spend more time going to doctor’s appointment and pick him up bIf nothing more, i don’t take the years that we were together a joke. Yes, I lost my way, but please know I took care of you the best I knew how, I tried.
    This is the last time I will ever reach out to you. Life is short, even if you plan every single day-my only wish is to see you and the kids one last time, but I know you won’t let me. You don’t have to see me and that is okay but I think about the dogs – just wanted a chance to play with them one last time. I don’t Regardless, I will absolutely respect your wish.

    I will be happy to see you happy. With that said I will bow out as graceful as possible. Or in my case utterly impossible to be graceful.

    I am sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I am sorry for being cold hearted for leaving you, for abandoning you, for ruining our love. Your love. For leaving you by yourself. I am sorry I was not there for you I hate myself when I think of you. You deserve the world, someone who will love you to the moon and back. I know you hate me, if it makes you feel better then I will take it. If calling me names or saying you wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole, or that I have STD, like I said whatever you like because I know it is my fault. I wish you all the best, even if whatever happiness you’ve found is not with me. I don’t regret meeting you. I loved you from the first time you held my hand & the very first time we were in the car from DC- we drove & talked for all 3 hours.

    Thank you Cara for loving me, thank you for always making sure I was safe and thank you for always protecting me.Thanks, I have cried and am still mourning what we had. It’s always been you Cara, I don’t think I will ever be able to love someone the way I love you. And honestly I never stopped loving you Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve done.

    I promised myself that I’d make you proud, I told myself whatever I do, I’d give it my all because I sacrifice us & that I had to let you go. As you wish, I will never reach out to you again.

    I sware she copy/pasted every other apology. It sounds nice doesn’t t? The second I accepted it (a few times lol) she will be back to her cruel scheming self. idk she’s delusional and repetitive and she must think I am stupid. it’s all bullshit and we both know it. sad attempt at a Hoover. she fucked me over really well with the last one .. this is closure. knowing she and her words even when she is “nice” have no effect. Her response literally is a carbon copy so it’s like no ones home in her head.

      1. eh I don’t think she’s feeling anything. She just repeats that nonsense every few months. Just doesn’t want me moving on.
        I have no feeling towards her. I am good with her getting the last word like that. I am never replying back. The stuff she says I don’t know if she has a brain sometimes. Dunno what satisfaction she gets out of life when nothing is real or genuine .

  13. My ex found out I sold the engagement ring .. 6yrs together broken engagement.

    She emailed me (only way to contact) and said seriously ?? You sold the ring Cara?

    My reply ”
    I seriously think you need to seriously ask yourself that. you and I are done. I’m not attracted to you because you’re so easy and there is nothing you have to offer in other qualities. you have no job, no money no goals you don’t even have your own room. you are not Loyal, youre cruel and heartless and only think of yourself you’re a pretty shitty person and you speak like your 17. the only thing you have going for yourself is your family so don’t ruin that. I mean you got your sarcasm too so .. 2 things. and some people like easy so 😳
    If you wanted to know that’s your answer. maybe you should ask what you already know. ”

  14. My last words were in my mind as he left the house without a word. Those words were …what could have been. I don’t hate him. I just have a smudged of self respect and to thine own self be true.

  15. HG so this means that when somebody ALWAYS wants to have the last word. He/she is a narcissist ? there are people who always have to have the last word, always have to be right and cant stand other opinions. Are they N ?

    1. Well it is an indicator rather than a determinative factor in itself Nikita. You would need to look at the other behaviours as well before reaching a conclusion.

  16. Interesting, although it’s easy to have the last word with your kind. I have done it on several occasions with the Scociopath. In addition I tricked him into giving closure. I saw him quake and qiver with fear. Of course he deserved nothing less.

      1. Why thank you Fool Me, you`re sweet to say so!

        Here I am just trying to mind my own business and yet, there are those who just can`t seem to leave well enough alone.

        I am well enough – leave me alone.

      2. Funny your mind went to me suggesting that you kill yourself, when that`s not at all where I was going.

        And the comment about my IQ coming from someone who regularly employs use of the word “seen” instead of “saw.” Tsk, tsk, tsk.

  17. Oh the fuel I gave him when we would have an argument!! He would get me so fired up! He always had to have the last word or text!! I remember the end of one of those arguments. We went back and forth each of us trying to get in the last word! Finally I pissed him off enough to scream loose my number! My reply, I lost your number 2 hours ago! Fuck off! And I blocked him! Lol.

      1. I wanted to tell you Clarece that I agree with you on the comment you made about HG always answering questions. He has always answered my questions, it takes awhile sometimes but then there are so many of us and only one of him! He does have a life outside this blog. There have been times earlier on and even now that a question has popped into my head to ask him and usually someone else has asked the same question. So going back and reading over the posts and comments will definitely help someone new to this blog. Xx

  18. The last word , yes I have mentioned in my posts he always had to have the last word . Even when there were no more words necessary even in a text exchange I would get an OK. From the mental case . It’s not that I want the last word it’s just that you’ve listened to so much jumbled contradictions and what ever choice they are making is always a ridiculous one that you are trying to make them see that they are talking mixed up nonsense . Now I have to think that mixed up crap was deliberate although in my N’s case I don’t think he’s that intelligent. I think he just lies so much and makes up so many justifications for things that he is naturally talking nonsense constantly . When I look back on it now it’s indescribable . It’s like once you know you can’t imagine how you never knew. So everytime I think why didn’t I say this why did I tolerate this crap. I just despair at myself . And yes I blame myself because narc or no narc he was a terrible boyfriend so if we are putting up with this then we have to take some responsibility for it . We have a choice to walk away . But I kept trying so there’s something clearly wrong with me . Even now I think what would I really like to say to him now face to face knowing what I know and half of me would like to just actually discuss it all with him . This is what you have, this is why you do what you do , mystery solved , go and be mental somewhere else . There is no more confusion . And see if he would just accept it . Even if it was done in an understanding way not an acusing way. He used to say all the time “you will never understand me because I don’t understand myself ” well he may know more than he claims . I’m not sure . Certainly he doesn’t know in medical definitions he’s too stupid . The other half of me thinks of all the times I tolerated his bad behaviour and just wish I’d spoke up more at the time . Well I’m going to come face to face with him soon as we are both attending a funeral in about 3 weeks. I really don’t know what it’s going to be like seeing him or if there will even be any words exchanged . Maybe he sent that birthday message as he knew eventually this funeral was coming up and he wanted to break the ice or something . Although no one knew when it would be . I still wish he was normal I still wish he wasn’t a N. I think this whole thing has sent me a bit mad . He will never Hoover me again as I’ve ignored a Hoover and he knows I’ll never take him back again if he goes on that holiday again which he will. So it is over for me forever . He’s never chased me anyway . I was so dumb I was usually chasing him or would just get back with him if he sent one text . I’m just ranting now and I think im the nuts one now

    1. HG like to affect us for what ? So we are so confused we don’t see what you are ? So confused we think we are nuts and not you ? Or to keep us hanging on and never leave ? So we remain trying to solve the puzzle ?

  19. I could write a book just on what happens to a survivors entire perception and reality of the world/who we are/who others are/language/emotion/human nature ect. but we all have experienced the shattering of it (without even sensing the point at which it imploded). I don’t think we realize how bad it is at first but eventually it’s clear every little detail has to be analyzed as to whether the “old” is still true or if it’s false (or half true) and needs to re-established. Like what love means.. What it means to us, to them.. To other people. It requires accepting that even though we cannot understand how someone with npd can have the thought process/acceptable behaviors they do .. They really fucking do lol. it’s real. Just like we can’t understand complex science .. It’s still real. We accept it as a truTh because there is enough evidence to support it. (If that changes ok) Just recently I am able to group concepts and that makes it easier to continue no contact and be satisfied without a feeling of lose ends. Even though I accept as a truth what the word love means to different people .. My meaning is still the same. the word closure is a bit harder to end in terms of cognitive dissonance because not only do we have to accept it does not mean what we thought to a narc. It doesn’t mean what we thought to us. once we redefine it .. We can begin accepting what we are experiencing is closure.

  20. I feel I had plenty to say and now I have nothing to say. Maybe,
    ‘Why are you such a c***?’
    More of a rhetorical question really.

  21. To quote myself:

    “I’d let you have the last word if you had anything of substance to say. But, since we want this conversation/situation to end on a high note, you’d better leave it to me.”

      1. just alot 😉 I admire You Are so Frank. But I am relaxed and rarely get into a Bad mood so there WE differ But this means just that WE could Plan something together Thats it.. 😃😃😃

      2. You know, reading this, I identified my x-alcoholic spouce! He was the embodiment of this script on The Last Word. He was very much that way. I do recall I learned not to participate in getting my feelings or thoughts out because it simply didn’t matter to him. What was more important to him than the truth was yelling over me to assert control, or claiming he was right and that I didn’t see things clearly. I learned that the alcoholic is an abuser and it is all about them all the time and if you have anything to say to them in defense, when they decide to attack you due to something not going right for them, you may as well be talking to a brick wall. This is simply because no matter how true your words or analysis of the situation is, their primary goal is to downplay the truth and try and twist everything out of proportion so they can validate their insanity. This allows them to continue on their self destructive path with no consequence. However, in reality, the greatest consequence is that they will never grow emotionally because they are so determined to hold onto their insanity. In fact, they have convinced themselves that they are right, all knowing and at a great level, much smarter than most of us, thus justifying their insanity even further. If only there was a way to break them out of their emotional prison so that they can grow and see the light and truth for what it really is. Come towards the light…come towards the light, you don’t have to be afraid, it’s warm and safe over here.

      1. Well at the end of the day, we do have one form of common ground – we’re both #TeamHG. Haha

    1. Why B&T… your always so capable of illicit ingredients a smile from me!!

      Your blunt, direct approach is only all too refreshing and even somewhat charming!!

      I do not doubt that you have any issues when it comes to “ending a conversation”…. nor do I doubt your ability to end ithe on a “High note”!!! Im sure many people…. myself included 😉 lmfao…. would be more than happy to “high note” it with you any day??!!!! Hahahaha

      Why where have you an ur slightly inappropriate banter been B&T??!! Lmfao 😜

      Cheers!!

    2. Why B&T… your always so capable of illiciting a smile from me!!

      Your blunt, direct approach is only all too refreshing and even somewhat charming!!

      I do not doubt that you have any issues when it comes to “ending a conversation”…. nor do I doubt your ability to end it on a “High note”!!! Im sure many people…. myself included 😉 lmfao…. would be more than happy to “high note” it with you any day??!!!! Hahahaha

      Why where have you an ur slightly inappropriate banter been B&T??!! Lmfao 😜

      Cheers!! (Sorry HG… other one had a big typo in it… stupid auto correct lmfao!!)

  22. It is not the last word, is is for our words to be heard and acknowledged, regardless of the order they are voiced or written. It is the RIGHT, that we have to say what we feel and think. The same right that they have. So, yes, shouting at us, talking over us, ridiculing us and ignoring us, denies us that RIGHT. It doesn’t matter that you think we have no right, you are self absorbed Narcissists, of course you think that way. As you always state, we and you, have differnt perceptions.

    My words were my first, my middle and my last.
    I love you. I do not wish to leave you. If only you could have accepted yourself, as I accept you. Goodbye.

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