Derailment
It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.
You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied out primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.
Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?
Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.
- You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
- You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
- You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
- You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
- You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
- The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.
We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who prove an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.
However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?
The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?
- You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
- You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.
“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”
“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”
“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”
“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”
“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”
“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”
“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”
- Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.
“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”
“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”
“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”
“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”
“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”
“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”
“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”
- Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to out behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
- Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just now worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”
We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.
31 thoughts on “Derailment”
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Ladies… Are you sure you’re “empaths”? Because this particular being needs you to spit in his face and take a shit into his empty eye sockets so at least something will be in there.
Oh wait… Nevermind, he’d like that too much. Just tell him he’s stuck at the oral/anal phase development. Maybe Fraud, I mean Freud, can suck his own dick….?
Interesting, thank you.
Oh, I think I found your gmail.com email address…
I have a question that has been nagging at me terribly. I don’t know whom to ask. I cannot ask it here for fear one day, this comment will show up publicly. It’s not an obscene question of any sort, or rude, whatsoever. Still, due to all the Flying Monkeys and enablers, I cannot ask… It’s so frustrating.
Then ask by emailing me.
Thank you for the invitation to do this, but I cannot find an email address for you- which is probably due to my lack of common sense, and it’s more than likely staring me right in the face. But, I’m sorry; I cannot find it. I’m a bit new to blogging 🙂
Tamara
Nice article..to say the least!
Wow… Spot on!! The accusations are draining . they are so paranoid an jelous it’s sickening! I’m struggling to even look at any man I see now . I don’t trust anyone. I don’t trust my own judgement anymore. I can’t imagine ever having another relationship again! But I do want to wound my evil ex. I’m very tempted to unblock him on what’s app just to update my picture.. So he sees it . because I have a photo of me and my son stood with a waiter in a restaurant taken last week and the waiter is the double of a man my evil ex accused me of cheating with. I know this would cause him fury and wipe that smug look off his mask… and that would give me pleasure BUT…am I putting my life in danger again by doing so? And the smearing… Well I’ve had a whole shit load of that already!… (Nearly killing me wasn’t enough!) he just continues to dig the knife in. Hmmm I’m very tempted to take the risk . HG?
Given his propensity to mete out physical violence against Kerri I would suggest you ensure you stay well away from this individual no matter how tempting it might be to wound him. He is a Lesser and his ignited fury will mean he will lash out, most likely at you.
Hi. HG. Iv messaged u privately on fb messenger about this pls
Okay, will be picking up those messages in the course of tomorrow.
So narcs don’t want us, but don’t want anyone else to have us either .
Selfish Ba%%ards !!!
SS, you almost write this as if it has come as a surprise. Now, pass the Frosties, no I don’t want them, I am full, but I don’t want you having any so I am pouring them on the floor.
Lol! Maybe I’m a Narc. I thrive on your responses. So, what happens when two narcs get together? I see a massive clash!
Hello Sonya, is depends very much on the type of narcissist involved and the environmental situation. There are different permutations and I shall be writing some blog pieces under the title “When Narcs Collide” so keep any eye out for them.
Haha.. I did,didn’t I. Nothing,but nothing should surprise me anymore .
Thanks though for sharing this HG. I’ve no intention of meeting anyone else for the reasons you’ve given, BUT I just might change my relationship status on my next birthday or even on Christmas day.
Thought fuel for me . I like it 🙂
I just st burst out laughing. Hilarious analogy.
What happens when you’ve kept me hidden from your wife and the rest of the world for 5 years and there’s absolutely no one you can roll out the smear campaign to?
You chose to discard me, and apply the silent treatment, but 5 months later, you discover I’m over you and moving on with someone else. What do you do when you can’t even smear me to him because I’ve already told him all about you and your Narcissistic personality?
Whatever do you do when no one cares about your fury?
If you have been kept hidden so there is no point in smearing you, you have been discarded and pushed away, we may still try to smear you to your new partner by causing doubt in their mind about your behaviour. We are very good at doing this. If ultimately we try and it does not work, then we would seek fuel from other sources and consider doling out an intermittent malign FUH against you.
For sure, that list is spot on. I felt like I pretty much worshipped him, and got ripped apart and thrown to the wolves for my efforts. All the offers I’ve gotten have been met with huge resistance. I just want everything and everyone to go away. Don’t know about the rest yet since I haven’t started anything with anyone and he hasn’t come back around. With my first ex though he flat out threatened to smear me to my new partner, just straight up, “I will destroy your relationship.” Even though we had already been broken up for a while, he still insisted I was choosing my new partner over him, and he was very pissed off about it. I could practically feel him getting all wild eyed and shaky over the phone.
sorry for my typos. sucks we can’t edit.
This has great points.
But for me, I initially felt all the above, my ego beat the hell out of me. But I have moved on for the most part. He still crosses my mind but not with the control he had from afar.
I can say I am very lucky he is on the East coast and far enough away that I do not have to see any of the BS he would do to me. I think he is still doing this to his ex-wife. Lucky her.
Does he care I would move on? No, he does not as he can’t see it and I accept he does not care. He prefers blondes with pink nipples (yes he did folks, his way of devaluing me with something I can’t change) I am a with dark hair and if you see my lips on the moniker picture, well they are not pink.
Have I moved on, yes and meet a few and due to our sweet teacher, the demon himself, I have learned to spot men with issues I do not care to deal with. I have had one that came on strong that I had the interest in but he was too much too fast so he is out.
What I want now, it just a playmate with no expectations. Nothing more than a mutual respect and hot physical contact. Easy you think to have? Nope, the pickings are slim in my arena. My sister says I am too picky. Well then I have to live with this in myself and just keep on keeping on. I have to like his scent and this is not easy to find for me. It is a chore to talk to them (men). I have nothing left to say except “can you please bite me here?” 😉
I have been single for 5 years and lived separately from my ex-husband for 6 years prior so I am well versed in being on my own. All this is my choice. I like it, I must.
TMI?
I think it’s funny and quite ironic that the lines/lies that the narc tells the new beau are the truths/realities of the people the abuse.
Projection at its finest.
Just out of curiosity, what’s likely to happen if the ex girlfriend lies to the narcissist and tells him she has a new partner?
A Lesser would erupt in a heated fury, the Mid-Range would , most likely erupt in a sulk, The Greater would seek verification and if exposes the lie use it to his advantage.
HG you are right on! I chose to remain in my marriage instead of marrying my narc fiancé and she is saying everything that you wrote above in 4. Have you ever gotten one of your women to leave there husbands and if so were you confident from the beginning that you would succeed? We started out as best friends but I believe she had other intentions. She had confidence in her skills. I didn’t see it at all. The truth is I would have divorced my husband and married her because I really did believe we were soul mates. 😓.
Oh HG, as much as he tries with all of his charming ways( since I am back in his sight once again) he will never win me back!! I don’t want him!! It feels positively wonderful to say that!! Thank you brilliant man!!! Xxx
You are welcome FM.
Yes but not always… only the most toxic cases I would say… But yes sometimes you see when somebody cant let go and speaks bad about the ex and the new and plots against….
Must be tormenting not to be able to let go and start a new life with happiness and love. <3
Dear Agent Provocateur,
This post made me laugh. Sometimes I wish I could tell you all my stories.
Cake xxx